1 00:00:00,751 --> 00:00:06,876 This summer I was back in Ohio for a family wedding, 2 00:00:07,784 --> 00:00:09,175 and when I was there, 3 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,588 there was a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from Frozen. 4 00:00:13,478 --> 00:00:18,812 Not the Anna and Elsa from Frozen as this was not a Disney sanctioned event, 5 00:00:18,813 --> 00:00:23,703 these two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties. 6 00:00:23,704 --> 00:00:25,157 Your kid is turning five? 7 00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,674 They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. 8 00:00:29,554 --> 00:00:32,858 And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity 9 00:00:32,859 --> 00:00:35,803 that was the phenomenon and that was Frozen, 10 00:00:35,804 --> 00:00:37,700 so get hired by a local toy store, 11 00:00:37,701 --> 00:00:39,457 kids come in on the Saturday morning 12 00:00:39,458 --> 00:00:42,756 buy some Disney swag, get the picture taken with the princesses, 13 00:00:42,757 --> 00:00:43,830 call it a day. 14 00:00:43,831 --> 00:00:46,856 It's like Santa Claus without the seasonal restrictions. 15 00:00:46,857 --> 00:00:48,462 (Laughter) 16 00:00:48,463 --> 00:00:52,910 And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece Samantha was in the thick of it. 17 00:00:52,911 --> 00:00:58,162 She could care less that these two women were signing posters and coloring books 18 00:00:58,163 --> 00:01:03,266 as Snow Queen and Princess Ana with one 'n' to avoid copyright lawsuits 19 00:01:03,268 --> 00:01:05,122 (Laughter) 20 00:01:05,123 --> 00:01:09,818 according to my niece and the 200 plus kids in the parking lot that day, 21 00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:13,852 this was the Anna and Elsa from Frozen. 22 00:01:14,852 --> 00:01:16,364 So, let me paint the picture: 23 00:01:16,365 --> 00:01:21,597 it is a blazing hot Saturday morning, in August, in Ohio. 24 00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:24,872 We get there at ten o' clock, the scheduled start time, 25 00:01:24,873 --> 00:01:27,105 and we are handed number 59. 26 00:01:27,106 --> 00:01:31,673 By 11 o' clock they had called numbers 21 through 25; 27 00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,426 this was going to be a while, 28 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:37,891 and there is no amount of free face painting or temporary tattoos 29 00:01:37,892 --> 00:01:41,396 that could prevent the meltdowns that were occurring outside of the store. 30 00:01:41,397 --> 00:01:42,971 (Laughter) 31 00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:47,113 So, by 12.30 we get called, 32 00:01:47,114 --> 00:01:50,306 "56 to 63, please." 33 00:01:50,316 --> 00:01:53,677 And as we walk in, it is a scene I can only describe you 34 00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:56,567 as saying it looked like Norway throw-up. 35 00:01:56,568 --> 00:01:57,947 (Laughter) 36 00:01:57,948 --> 00:02:02,333 There were cardboard cut-out-snowflakes covering the floor, 37 00:02:02,334 --> 00:02:07,252 glitter on every flat surface, and icicles all over the walls. 38 00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:09,572 And as we stood in line 39 00:02:09,573 --> 00:02:12,135 in an attempt to get my niece a better vantage point 40 00:02:12,136 --> 00:02:14,270 than the backside of the mother of number 58, 41 00:02:14,271 --> 00:02:15,879 I put her up on my shoulders, 42 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,978 and she was instantly riveted by the sight of the princesses. 43 00:02:19,979 --> 00:02:22,519 And as we moved forward, her excitement only grew, 44 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,853 and as we finally got to the front of the line, 45 00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:28,497 and number 58 unfurled her poster to be signed by the princesses 46 00:02:28,498 --> 00:02:32,097 I could literally feel the excitement running through her body. 47 00:02:32,098 --> 00:02:35,062 And let's be honest, at that point, I was pretty excited too. 48 00:02:35,063 --> 00:02:36,457 (Laughter) 49 00:02:36,458 --> 00:02:39,456 I mean, the Scandinavian decadence was mesmerizing. 50 00:02:39,457 --> 00:02:40,625 (Laughter) 51 00:02:40,626 --> 00:02:42,535 So we get to the front of the line, 52 00:02:42,536 --> 00:02:45,545 and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says: 53 00:02:45,546 --> 00:02:47,365 "Hi honey, you're next! 54 00:02:47,366 --> 00:02:49,655 Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay 55 00:02:49,656 --> 00:02:51,912 on your dad's shoulders for the picture?' 56 00:02:51,913 --> 00:02:53,399 (Laughter) 57 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:57,261 And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen! 58 00:02:57,262 --> 00:02:58,873 (Laughter) 59 00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:03,666 It's amazing that in an unexpected instant we are faced with the question, 60 00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:04,997 Who am I? 61 00:03:04,998 --> 00:03:08,465 Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate? 62 00:03:08,466 --> 00:03:12,296 Millions of people have seen my video about how to have a hard conversation, 63 00:03:12,297 --> 00:03:14,613 and there one was, right in front of me. 64 00:03:14,614 --> 00:03:15,685 At the same time, 65 00:03:15,686 --> 00:03:18,595 there's nothing more important to me than the kids in my life 66 00:03:18,596 --> 00:03:22,543 so I found myself in a situation that we so often find ourselves in, 67 00:03:22,544 --> 00:03:25,766 torn between two things, two impossible choices: 68 00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,793 Would I be an advocate? 69 00:03:27,794 --> 00:03:32,341 Would I take my niece off my shoulders and turn to the clerk and explain to her 70 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:35,479 that I was in fact her aunt, not her father, 71 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,848 and that she should be more careful 72 00:03:37,849 --> 00:03:42,604 not to jump to gender conclusions based on haircuts and shoulder rides 73 00:03:42,605 --> 00:03:43,740 (Laughter) 74 00:03:43,741 --> 00:03:45,597 and while doing that, 75 00:03:45,598 --> 00:03:50,386 miss out on what was, to this point, the greatest moment of my niece's life. 76 00:03:51,116 --> 00:03:53,205 Or would I be an aunt? 77 00:03:53,206 --> 00:03:56,343 Would I brush off that comment, take a million pictures, 78 00:03:56,344 --> 00:04:01,321 and not be distracted for an instant from the pure joy of that moment, 79 00:04:01,322 --> 00:04:02,840 and by doing that, 80 00:04:02,841 --> 00:04:06,223 walk out with the shame that comes up from not standing up for myself, 81 00:04:06,224 --> 00:04:08,606 especially in front of my niece. 82 00:04:08,607 --> 00:04:10,409 Who was I? 83 00:04:10,410 --> 00:04:15,228 Which one was more important? Which role was more worth it? 84 00:04:15,230 --> 00:04:18,218 Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate? 85 00:04:18,219 --> 00:04:21,435 And I had a split second to decide. 86 00:04:22,235 --> 00:04:23,813 We are taught right now 87 00:04:23,814 --> 00:04:28,112 that we are living in a world of constant and increasing polarity. 88 00:04:28,113 --> 00:04:32,684 It's so black and white, so us and them, so right and wrong, 89 00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:37,861 there is no middle, there is no gray; just polarity. 90 00:04:38,851 --> 00:04:40,131 Polarity is a state 91 00:04:40,132 --> 00:04:43,482 in which two ideas or opinions are completely opposite from each other; 92 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,126 a diametrical opposition. 93 00:04:46,127 --> 00:04:48,710 Which side are you on? 94 00:04:48,711 --> 00:04:52,765 Are you unequivocally and without question anti war, pro-choice, anti death penalty, 95 00:04:52,766 --> 00:04:56,124 pro-gun regulation, proponent of open borders, and pro-union? 96 00:04:56,824 --> 00:04:58,367 Or are you, 97 00:04:58,368 --> 00:05:03,641 absolutely and uncompromisingly pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty, 98 00:05:03,642 --> 00:05:06,027 a believer that the Second Amendment is absolute, 99 00:05:06,028 --> 00:05:08,311 anti immigrant and pro-business? 100 00:05:08,312 --> 00:05:12,446 It's all or none, you're with us or against us. That is polarity. 101 00:05:12,447 --> 00:05:17,190 The problem with polarity and absolutes is 102 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:22,764 that it eliminates the individuality of our human experience 103 00:05:22,765 --> 00:05:27,061 and that makes it contradictory to our human nature. 104 00:05:27,867 --> 00:05:30,006 But if we are pulled in these two directions, 105 00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:33,686 but it's not really where we exist, - polarity is not our actual reality - 106 00:05:33,687 --> 00:05:35,368 where do we go from there? 107 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:38,367 What's at the other end of that spectrum? 108 00:05:38,368 --> 00:05:42,407 And I don't think it's an unattainable harmonious utopia, 109 00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:45,841 I think the opposite of polarity is duality. 110 00:05:45,842 --> 00:05:48,675 Duality is a state of having two parts, 111 00:05:48,676 --> 00:05:51,729 but not in diametrical opposition: 112 00:05:51,730 --> 00:05:54,675 in simultaneous existence. 113 00:05:54,676 --> 00:05:56,662 Don't you think it's possible? 114 00:05:56,663 --> 00:05:58,333 Here are the people I know: 115 00:05:58,334 --> 00:06:01,501 I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs, 116 00:06:01,537 --> 00:06:03,201 and veterans who are anti-war, 117 00:06:03,202 --> 00:06:05,986 and NRA members who think I should be able to get married. 118 00:06:05,987 --> 00:06:09,022 Those are the people I know, those are my friends and family, 119 00:06:09,023 --> 00:06:11,999 that is the majority of our society, that is you, that is me. 120 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,657 (Applause) 121 00:06:20,717 --> 00:06:25,885 Duality is the ability to hold both things, 122 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:30,007 but the question is: Can we own our duality? 123 00:06:30,008 --> 00:06:33,730 Can we have the courage to hold both things? 124 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,776 I work at a restaurant in town, 125 00:06:36,792 --> 00:06:39,411 I became really good friends with the busser. 126 00:06:39,412 --> 00:06:43,989 I was a server and we had a relationship, we had a really great time together. 127 00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:47,608 Her Spanish was great 128 00:06:47,609 --> 00:06:49,450 because she was from Mexico. 129 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,312 (Laughter) 130 00:06:51,313 --> 00:06:53,746 That line actually went the other way. 131 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,668 Her English was limited, but significantly better than my Spanish. 132 00:06:59,848 --> 00:07:03,677 But we were united by our similarities, 133 00:07:03,678 --> 00:07:06,837 not separated by our differences. 134 00:07:06,838 --> 00:07:10,107 And we were close, even though we came from very different worlds. 135 00:07:10,108 --> 00:07:13,318 She was from Mexico, she left her family behind 136 00:07:13,319 --> 00:07:16,765 so she could come here and afford them a better life back home. 137 00:07:16,766 --> 00:07:21,825 She was a devout conservative catholic, a believer in traditional family values, 138 00:07:21,826 --> 00:07:23,932 stereotypical roles of men and women, 139 00:07:23,933 --> 00:07:26,727 and I was, well, me. 140 00:07:26,728 --> 00:07:28,632 (Laughter) 141 00:07:28,633 --> 00:07:32,318 But the things that bonded us were when she asked about my girlfriend, 142 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,787 or she shared pictures that she had from her family back home. 143 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:38,415 Those were the things that brought us together. 144 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,002 So one day, we were in the back, 145 00:07:40,003 --> 00:07:43,682 scarfing down food as quick as we could, gathered around a small table, 146 00:07:43,683 --> 00:07:45,412 during a very rare lull, 147 00:07:45,413 --> 00:07:48,984 and a new guy from the kitchen came over - who happened to be her cousin - 148 00:07:48,985 --> 00:07:51,787 and sat down with all the bravado and machismo 149 00:07:51,788 --> 00:07:53,949 that his 21-year-old body could hold 150 00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:55,771 (Laughter) 151 00:07:55,772 --> 00:08:00,744 and said to her, (Spanish) "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" 152 00:08:01,904 --> 00:08:05,856 And she said, (Spanish) "No, she has a girlfriend." 153 00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:10,911 And he said, (Spanish) "A girlfriend??" 154 00:08:10,912 --> 00:08:14,024 And she set down her fork, and locked eyes with him, 155 00:08:14,025 --> 00:08:19,047 and said: (Spanish) "Yes, a girlfriend, and that is all." 156 00:08:19,048 --> 00:08:23,940 And his smugged smile quickly dropped to one of maternal respect, 157 00:08:23,941 --> 00:08:27,143 grabbed his plate, walked off, went back to work. 158 00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:28,878 She never made eye contact with me. 159 00:08:29,668 --> 00:08:31,383 She left, did the same thing 160 00:08:31,384 --> 00:08:34,654 - it was a 10 second conversation, such a short interaction. 161 00:08:34,655 --> 00:08:37,320 And on paper, she had so much more in common with him: 162 00:08:37,321 --> 00:08:42,289 language, culture, history, family, her community was her lifeline here, 163 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:46,460 but her moral compass trumped all of that. 164 00:08:46,461 --> 00:08:50,123 And a little bit later, they were joking around in the kitchen, in Spanish, 165 00:08:50,124 --> 00:08:52,024 that had nothing to do with me, 166 00:08:52,025 --> 00:08:54,469 and that is duality. 167 00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:57,333 She didn't have to choose some [politically correct] stands 168 00:08:57,334 --> 00:08:59,337 on gayness over her heritage, 169 00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:02,133 she didn't have to choose her family over our friendship. 170 00:09:02,134 --> 00:09:04,408 It wasn't Jesus or Ash. 171 00:09:04,409 --> 00:09:06,376 (Laughter) 172 00:09:08,556 --> 00:09:10,493 (Applause) 173 00:09:15,183 --> 00:09:19,760 Her individual morality was so strongly rooted 174 00:09:19,761 --> 00:09:23,142 that she had the courage to hold both things. 175 00:09:23,143 --> 00:09:26,324 Our moral integrity is our responsibility 176 00:09:26,325 --> 00:09:30,556 and we must be prepared to defend it even when it's not convenient. 177 00:09:30,557 --> 00:09:34,009 That's what it means to be an ally, and if you're going to be an ally, 178 00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:36,157 you have to be an active ally: 179 00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:40,045 ask questions, act when you hear something inappropriate; 180 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,074 actually engage. 181 00:09:42,075 --> 00:09:46,508 I had a family friend who for years used to call my girlfriend 'my lover.' 182 00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:50,975 Really? Lover? 183 00:09:50,976 --> 00:09:53,000 So overly sexual, 184 00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:55,046 so '70s gay porn. 185 00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:56,253 (Laughter) 186 00:09:59,293 --> 00:10:01,788 But she was trying, and she asked. 187 00:10:01,789 --> 00:10:03,572 She could have called her my friend, 188 00:10:03,573 --> 00:10:07,707 or my 'friend,' or my 'special friend' 189 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,092 (Laughter) 190 00:10:09,093 --> 00:10:12,058 or even worse, just not ask at all. 191 00:10:12,059 --> 00:10:15,689 Believe me, we would rather have you ask, 192 00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:20,931 I would rather have her say 'lover,' than say nothing at all. 193 00:10:20,932 --> 00:10:23,963 People often say to me: "Well, Ash I don't care, 194 00:10:23,964 --> 00:10:27,756 I don't see race, or religion, or sexuality. 195 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:30,600 It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it." 196 00:10:31,910 --> 00:10:37,244 But I think the opposite of homophobia, and racism, and xenophobia is not love, 197 00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,858 it's apathy. 198 00:10:38,859 --> 00:10:42,962 If you don't see my gayness, then you don't see me. 199 00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:45,948 If it doesn't matter to you who I sleep with, 200 00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,134 then you cannot imagine what it feels like 201 00:10:48,135 --> 00:10:51,040 when I walk down the street, late at night, holding her hand, 202 00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:53,888 and approach a group of people and have to make the decision 203 00:10:53,889 --> 00:10:56,174 if I should hang on to it, or I should I drop it 204 00:10:56,175 --> 00:10:58,493 when all I want to do is squeeze it tighter. 205 00:10:58,494 --> 00:11:01,011 And the small victory I feel 206 00:11:01,012 --> 00:11:03,719 when I make it by, and don't have to let go. 207 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:08,838 And the incredible cowardice and disappointment I feel when I drop it. 208 00:11:08,839 --> 00:11:10,787 If you do not see that struggle 209 00:11:10,788 --> 00:11:17,263 that is unique to my human experience because I am gay, then you don't see me. 210 00:11:17,264 --> 00:11:22,678 If you are going to be an ally, I need you to see me. 211 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:28,621 As individuals, as allies, as humans, we need to be able to hold both things, 212 00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:32,899 both the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, 213 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:37,371 you don't learn how to hold two things just from the fluff, 214 00:11:37,372 --> 00:11:39,773 you learn it from the grit. 215 00:11:39,774 --> 00:11:43,158 And what if duality is just the first step? 216 00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:49,137 What if through compassion, and empathy, and human interaction 217 00:11:49,138 --> 00:11:51,532 we are able to learn to hold two things? 218 00:11:51,533 --> 00:11:53,847 And if we can hold two things, we can hold four, 219 00:11:53,848 --> 00:11:55,858 and if we can hold four, we can hold eight, 220 00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:58,099 and if we can hold eight, we can hold hundreds. 221 00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:02,361 We are complex individuals, swirls of contradiction. 222 00:12:02,362 --> 00:12:05,887 You are all holding so many things right now! 223 00:12:05,888 --> 00:12:09,330 What can you do to hold just a few more? 224 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:14,416 So, back to Toledo, Ohio, I'm at the front of the line, 225 00:12:14,417 --> 00:12:18,519 niece on my shoulders, the frazzled clerk calls me dad. 226 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:23,110 Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender? 227 00:12:23,111 --> 00:12:25,309 Not even that. 228 00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:29,759 Have you ever been called something you are not? 229 00:12:31,509 --> 00:12:34,039 Here's what it feels like for me: 230 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,113 I am instantly an internal storm of contrasting emotions. 231 00:12:38,114 --> 00:12:43,656 I break out onto a sweat that is a combination of rage and humiliation, 232 00:12:43,657 --> 00:12:46,617 I feel like the entire store is staring at me, 233 00:12:46,618 --> 00:12:49,178 and I simultaneously feel invisible. 234 00:12:49,179 --> 00:12:52,122 I want to explode in a tirade of fury, 235 00:12:52,123 --> 00:12:54,716 and I want to crawl under a rock. 236 00:12:54,717 --> 00:12:57,819 And top all of that off with the frustration that I'm wearing 237 00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:01,757 an outer, characteristic, tight-fitting, purple T-shirt, 238 00:13:01,758 --> 00:13:03,695 so this whole store can see my boobs, 239 00:13:03,696 --> 00:13:06,457 to make sure this exact same thing doesn't happen. 240 00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:09,539 (Laughter) 241 00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:13,171 But, despite my best efforts to be seen as the gender I am, 242 00:13:13,172 --> 00:13:14,803 it still happens. 243 00:13:14,804 --> 00:13:19,496 And I hope with every ounce of my body that no one here heard: 244 00:13:19,497 --> 00:13:24,699 not my sister, not my girlfriend, and certainly not my niece. 245 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,190 I am accustomed to this familiar hurt, 246 00:13:27,191 --> 00:13:31,246 but I would do whatever I need to do to protect the people I love from it. 247 00:13:31,906 --> 00:13:34,440 But then I take my niece off my shoulders, 248 00:13:34,441 --> 00:13:36,615 and she runs to Elsa and Anna 249 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:39,182 - the thing she's been waiting so long for - 250 00:13:39,183 --> 00:13:44,979 and all that stuff goes away; all that matters is the smile on her face. 251 00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:50,637 And as the 30 seconds, we waited two-and-a-half hours for, comes to a close 252 00:13:50,638 --> 00:13:55,841 we gather up our things, and I lock eyes with the clerk again; 253 00:13:55,842 --> 00:13:58,978 and she gives me an apologetic smile and mouths, 254 00:13:58,979 --> 00:14:01,275 (She mimes) I am so sorry! 255 00:14:01,276 --> 00:14:03,385 (Laughter) 256 00:14:03,386 --> 00:14:09,242 And her humanity, her willingness to admit her mistake disarms me immediately, 257 00:14:09,243 --> 00:14:14,415 then I give her a: "It's OK, it happens. But thanks!" 258 00:14:14,416 --> 00:14:17,406 And I realize in that moment 259 00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,444 that I don't have to be 260 00:14:19,445 --> 00:14:23,643 either an aunt or an advocate, I can be both. 261 00:14:24,903 --> 00:14:30,251 I can live in duality, and I can hold two things. 262 00:14:30,252 --> 00:14:33,189 And if I can hold two things in that environment, 263 00:14:33,190 --> 00:14:35,542 I can hold so many more things. 264 00:14:35,543 --> 00:14:39,295 As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands and skip out at the front of the door, 265 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:42,039 I turn to my sister and say, "Was it worth it?" 266 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,814 And she said: "Are you kidding me? 267 00:14:43,815 --> 00:14:47,702 'Did you see the look on her face? This was the greatest day of her life!" 268 00:14:47,703 --> 00:14:48,800 (Laughter) 269 00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:51,758 It was worth the two and a half hours in the heat, 270 00:14:51,759 --> 00:14:56,146 it was worth the overpriced coloring book that we already had a copy of 271 00:14:56,147 --> 00:14:57,854 (Laughter) 272 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,509 it was even worth you getting called dad 273 00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:02,615 (Laughter) 274 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:10,919 and for the first time ever in my life, it actually was. 275 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,098 Thank you Boulder, have a good night. 276 00:15:13,099 --> 00:15:14,619 (Applause) (Cheers)