0:00:00.751,0:00:06.876
This summer I was back[br]in Ohio for a family wedding,

0:00:07.784,0:00:09.175
and when I was there,

0:00:09.176,0:00:12.588
there was a meet and greet[br]with Anna and Elsa from Frozen.

0:00:13.478,0:00:18.812
Not the Anna and Elsa from Frozen[br]as this was not a Disney sanctioned event,

0:00:18.813,0:00:23.703
these two entrepreneurs had[br]a business of running princess parties.

0:00:23.704,0:00:25.157
Your kid is turning five?

0:00:25.158,0:00:28.674
They'll come sing some songs,[br]sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.

0:00:29.554,0:00:32.858
And they were not about[br]to miss out on the opportunity

0:00:32.859,0:00:35.803
that was the phenomenon[br]and that was Frozen,

0:00:35.804,0:00:37.700
so get hired by a local toy store,

0:00:37.701,0:00:39.457
kids come in on the Saturday morning

0:00:39.458,0:00:42.756
buy some Disney swag,[br]get the picture taken with the princesses,

0:00:42.757,0:00:43.830
call it a day.

0:00:43.831,0:00:46.856
It's like Santa Claus[br]without the seasonal restrictions.

0:00:46.857,0:00:48.462
(Laughter)

0:00:48.463,0:00:52.910
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece[br]Samantha was in the thick of it.

0:00:52.911,0:00:58.162
She could care less that these two women[br]were signing posters and coloring books

0:00:58.163,0:01:03.266
as Snow Queen and Princess Ana[br]with one 'n' to avoid copyright lawsuits

0:01:03.268,0:01:05.122
(Laughter)

0:01:05.123,0:01:09.818
according to my niece and the 200 plus[br]kids in the parking lot that day,

0:01:09.819,0:01:13.852
this was the Anna and Elsa from Frozen.

0:01:14.852,0:01:16.364
So, let me paint the picture:

0:01:16.365,0:01:21.597
it is a blazing hot Saturday morning,[br]in August, in Ohio.

0:01:21.598,0:01:24.872
We get there at ten o' clock,[br]the scheduled start time,

0:01:24.873,0:01:27.105
and we are handed number 59.

0:01:27.106,0:01:31.673
By 11 o' clock they had called[br]numbers 21 through 25;

0:01:31.674,0:01:33.426
this was going to be a while,

0:01:33.427,0:01:37.891
and there is no amount[br]of free face painting or temporary tattoos

0:01:37.892,0:01:41.396
that could prevent the meltdowns[br]that were occurring outside of the store.

0:01:41.397,0:01:42.971
(Laughter)

0:01:42.972,0:01:47.113
So, by 12.30 we get called,

0:01:47.114,0:01:50.306
"56 to 63, please."

0:01:50.316,0:01:53.677
And as we walk in, it is a scene[br]I can only describe you

0:01:53.678,0:01:56.567
as saying it looked like Norway throw-up.

0:01:56.568,0:01:57.947
(Laughter)

0:01:57.948,0:02:02.333
There were cardboard[br]cut-out-snowflakes covering the floor,

0:02:02.334,0:02:07.252
glitter on every flat surface,[br]and icicles all over the walls.

0:02:08.130,0:02:09.572
And as we stood in line

0:02:09.573,0:02:12.135
in an attempt to get[br]my niece a better vantage point

0:02:12.136,0:02:14.270
than the backside[br]of the mother of number 58,

0:02:14.271,0:02:15.879
I put her up on my shoulders,

0:02:15.880,0:02:19.978
and she was instantly riveted[br]by the sight of the princesses.

0:02:19.979,0:02:22.519
And as we moved forward,[br]her excitement only grew,

0:02:22.520,0:02:24.853
and as we finally got[br]to the front of the line,

0:02:24.854,0:02:28.497
and number 58 unfurled her poster[br]to be signed by the princesses

0:02:28.498,0:02:32.097
I could literally feel the excitement[br]running through her body.

0:02:32.098,0:02:35.062
And let's be honest,[br]at that point, I was pretty excited too.

0:02:35.063,0:02:36.457
(Laughter)

0:02:36.458,0:02:39.456
I mean, the Scandinavian decadence[br]was mesmerizing.

0:02:39.457,0:02:40.625
(Laughter)

0:02:40.626,0:02:42.535
So we get to the front of the line,

0:02:42.536,0:02:45.545
and the haggard clerk[br]turns to my niece and says:

0:02:45.546,0:02:47.365
"Hi honey, you're next!

0:02:47.366,0:02:49.655
Do you want to get down,[br]or you're going to stay

0:02:49.656,0:02:51.912
on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'

0:02:51.913,0:02:53.399
(Laughter)

0:02:53.400,0:02:57.261
And I was, for a lack[br]of a better word, frozen!

0:02:57.262,0:02:58.873
(Laughter)

0:02:58.874,0:03:03.666
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant[br]we are faced with the question,

0:03:03.667,0:03:04.997
Who am I?

0:03:04.998,0:03:08.465
Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?

0:03:08.466,0:03:12.296
Millions of people have seen my video[br]about how to have a hard conversation,

0:03:12.297,0:03:14.613
and there one was, right in front of me.

0:03:14.614,0:03:15.685
At the same time,

0:03:15.686,0:03:18.595
there's nothing more important[br]to me than the kids in my life

0:03:18.596,0:03:22.543
so I found myself in a situation[br]that we so often find ourselves in,

0:03:22.544,0:03:25.766
torn between two things,[br]two impossible choices:

0:03:25.767,0:03:27.793
Would I be an advocate?

0:03:27.794,0:03:32.341
Would I take my niece off my shoulders[br]and turn to the clerk and explain to her

0:03:32.342,0:03:35.479
that I was in fact[br]her aunt, not her father,

0:03:35.480,0:03:37.848
and that she should be more careful

0:03:37.849,0:03:42.604
not to jump to gender conclusions[br]based on haircuts and shoulder rides

0:03:42.605,0:03:43.740
(Laughter)

0:03:43.741,0:03:45.597
and while doing that,

0:03:45.598,0:03:50.386
miss out on what was, to this point,[br]the greatest moment of my niece's life.

0:03:51.116,0:03:53.205
Or would I be an aunt?

0:03:53.206,0:03:56.343
Would I brush off that comment,[br]take a million pictures,

0:03:56.344,0:04:01.321
and not be distracted for an instant[br]from the pure joy of that moment,

0:04:01.322,0:04:02.840
and by doing that,

0:04:02.841,0:04:06.223
walk out with the shame that comes up[br]from not standing up for myself,

0:04:06.224,0:04:08.606
especially in front of my niece.

0:04:08.607,0:04:10.409
Who was I?

0:04:10.410,0:04:15.228
Which one was more important?[br]Which role was more worth it?

0:04:15.230,0:04:18.218
Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?

0:04:18.219,0:04:21.435
And I had a split second to decide.

0:04:22.235,0:04:23.813
We are taught right now

0:04:23.814,0:04:28.112
that we are living in a world[br]of constant and increasing polarity.

0:04:28.113,0:04:32.684
It's so black and white,[br]so us and them, so right and wrong,

0:04:33.524,0:04:37.861
there is no middle,[br]there is no gray; just polarity.

0:04:38.851,0:04:40.131
Polarity is a state

0:04:40.132,0:04:43.482
in which two ideas or opinions[br]are completely opposite from each other;

0:04:43.483,0:04:46.126
a diametrical opposition.

0:04:46.127,0:04:48.710
Which side are you on?

0:04:48.711,0:04:52.765
Are you unequivocally and without question[br]anti war, pro-choice, anti death penalty,

0:04:52.766,0:04:56.124
pro-gun regulation, proponent[br]of open borders, and pro-union?

0:04:56.824,0:04:58.367
Or are you,

0:04:58.368,0:05:03.641
absolutely and uncompromisingly[br]pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,

0:05:03.642,0:05:06.027
a believer that the Second[br]Amendment is absolute,

0:05:06.028,0:05:08.311
anti immigrant and pro-business?

0:05:08.312,0:05:12.446
It's all or none, you're with us[br]or against us. That is polarity.

0:05:12.447,0:05:17.190
The problem with polarity and absolutes is

0:05:17.191,0:05:22.764
that it eliminates the individuality[br]of our human experience

0:05:22.765,0:05:27.061
and that makes it contradictory[br]to our human nature.

0:05:27.867,0:05:30.006
But if we are pulled[br]in these two directions,

0:05:30.007,0:05:33.686
but it's not really where we exist,[br]- polarity is not our actual reality -

0:05:33.687,0:05:35.368
where do we go from there?

0:05:35.369,0:05:38.367
What's at the other end of that spectrum?

0:05:38.368,0:05:42.407
And I don't think[br]it's an unattainable harmonious utopia,

0:05:42.408,0:05:45.841
I think the opposite[br]of polarity is duality.

0:05:45.842,0:05:48.675
Duality is a state of having two parts,

0:05:48.676,0:05:51.729
but not in diametrical opposition:

0:05:51.730,0:05:54.675
in simultaneous existence.

0:05:54.676,0:05:56.662
Don't you think it's possible?

0:05:56.663,0:05:58.333
Here are the people I know:

0:05:58.334,0:06:01.501
I know Catholics who are pro-choice,[br]and feminists who wear hijabs,

0:06:01.537,0:06:03.201
and veterans who are anti-war,

0:06:03.202,0:06:05.986
and NRA members who think[br]I should be able to get married.

0:06:05.987,0:06:09.022
Those are the people I know,[br]those are my friends and family,

0:06:09.023,0:06:11.999
that is the majority of our society,[br]that is you, that is me.

0:06:12.000,0:06:13.657
(Applause)

0:06:20.717,0:06:25.885
Duality is the ability[br]to hold both things,

0:06:25.886,0:06:30.007
but the question is:[br]Can we own our duality?

0:06:30.008,0:06:33.730
Can we have the courage[br]to hold both things?

0:06:34.880,0:06:36.776
I work at a restaurant in town,

0:06:36.792,0:06:39.411
I became really good friends[br]with the busser.

0:06:39.412,0:06:43.989
I was a server and we had a relationship,[br]we had a really great time together.

0:06:43.990,0:06:47.608
Her Spanish was great

0:06:47.609,0:06:49.450
because she was from Mexico.

0:06:49.451,0:06:51.312
(Laughter)

0:06:51.313,0:06:53.746
That line actually went the other way.

0:06:53.747,0:06:57.668
Her English was limited,[br]but significantly better than my Spanish.

0:06:59.848,0:07:03.677
But we were united by our similarities,

0:07:03.678,0:07:06.837
not separated by our differences.

0:07:06.838,0:07:10.107
And we were close, even though[br]we came from very different worlds.

0:07:10.108,0:07:13.318
She was from Mexico,[br]she left her family behind

0:07:13.319,0:07:16.765
so she could come here[br]and afford them a better life back home.

0:07:16.766,0:07:21.825
She was a devout conservative catholic,[br]a believer in traditional family values,

0:07:21.826,0:07:23.932
stereotypical roles of men and women,

0:07:23.933,0:07:26.727
and I was, well, me.

0:07:26.728,0:07:28.632
(Laughter)

0:07:28.633,0:07:32.318
But the things that bonded us[br]were when she asked about my girlfriend,

0:07:32.319,0:07:35.787
or she shared pictures[br]that she had from her family back home.

0:07:35.788,0:07:38.415
Those were the things[br]that brought us together.

0:07:38.416,0:07:40.002
So one day, we were in the back,

0:07:40.003,0:07:43.682
scarfing down food as quick as we could,[br]gathered around a small table,

0:07:43.683,0:07:45.412
during a very rare lull,

0:07:45.413,0:07:48.984
and a new guy from the kitchen came over[br]- who happened to be her cousin -

0:07:48.985,0:07:51.787
and sat down[br]with all the bravado and machismo

0:07:51.788,0:07:53.949
that his 21-year-old body could hold

0:07:53.950,0:07:55.771
(Laughter)

0:07:55.772,0:08:00.744
and said to her,[br](Spanish) "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"

0:08:01.904,0:08:05.856
And she said,[br](Spanish) "No, she has a girlfriend."

0:08:07.386,0:08:10.911
And he said,[br](Spanish) "A girlfriend??"

0:08:10.912,0:08:14.024
And she set down her fork,[br]and locked eyes with him,

0:08:14.025,0:08:19.047
and said: (Spanish) "Yes,[br]a girlfriend, and that is all."

0:08:19.048,0:08:23.940
And his smugged smile quickly dropped[br]to one of maternal respect,

0:08:23.941,0:08:27.143
grabbed his plate, walked off,[br]went back to work.

0:08:27.144,0:08:28.878
She never made eye contact with me.

0:08:29.668,0:08:31.383
She left, did the same thing

0:08:31.384,0:08:34.654
- it was a 10 second conversation,[br]such a short interaction.

0:08:34.655,0:08:37.320
And on paper, she had[br]so much more in common with him:

0:08:37.321,0:08:42.289
language, culture, history, family,[br]her community was her lifeline here,

0:08:42.289,0:08:46.460
but her moral compass trumped all of that.

0:08:46.461,0:08:50.123
And a little bit later, they were joking[br]around in the kitchen, in Spanish,

0:08:50.124,0:08:52.024
that had nothing to do with me,

0:08:52.025,0:08:54.469
and that is duality.

0:08:54.470,0:08:57.333
She didn't have to choose[br]some [politically correct] stands

0:08:57.334,0:08:59.337
on gayness over her heritage,

0:08:59.338,0:09:02.133
she didn't have to choose[br]her family over our friendship.

0:09:02.134,0:09:04.408
It wasn't Jesus or Ash.

0:09:04.409,0:09:06.376
(Laughter)

0:09:08.556,0:09:10.493
(Applause)

0:09:15.183,0:09:19.760
Her individual morality[br]was so strongly rooted

0:09:19.761,0:09:23.142
that she had the courage[br]to hold both things.

0:09:23.143,0:09:26.324
Our moral integrity is our responsibility

0:09:26.325,0:09:30.556
and we must be prepared to defend it[br]even when it's not convenient.

0:09:30.557,0:09:34.009
That's what it means to be an ally,[br]and if you're going to be an ally,

0:09:34.010,0:09:36.157
you have to be an active ally:

0:09:36.158,0:09:40.045
ask questions, act when you hear[br]something inappropriate;

0:09:40.046,0:09:42.074
actually engage.

0:09:42.075,0:09:46.508
I had a family friend who for years[br]used to call my girlfriend 'my lover.'

0:09:48.531,0:09:50.975
Really? Lover?

0:09:50.976,0:09:53.000
So overly sexual,

0:09:53.001,0:09:55.046
so '70s gay porn.

0:09:55.047,0:09:56.253
(Laughter)

0:09:59.293,0:10:01.788
But she was trying, and she asked.

0:10:01.789,0:10:03.572
She could have called her my friend,

0:10:03.573,0:10:07.707
or my 'friend,' or my 'special friend'

0:10:07.708,0:10:09.092
(Laughter)

0:10:09.093,0:10:12.058
or even worse, just not ask at all.

0:10:12.059,0:10:15.689
Believe me, we would rather have you ask,

0:10:15.690,0:10:20.931
I would rather have her say 'lover,'[br]than say nothing at all.

0:10:20.932,0:10:23.963
People often say to me:[br]"Well, Ash I don't care,

0:10:23.964,0:10:27.756
I don't see race,[br]or religion, or sexuality.

0:10:27.757,0:10:30.600
It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."

0:10:31.910,0:10:37.244
But I think the opposite of homophobia,[br]and racism, and xenophobia is not love,

0:10:37.245,0:10:38.858
it's apathy.

0:10:38.859,0:10:42.962
If you don't see my gayness,[br]then you don't see me.

0:10:42.963,0:10:45.948
If it doesn't matter to you[br]who I sleep with,

0:10:45.949,0:10:48.134
then you cannot imagine what it feels like

0:10:48.135,0:10:51.040
when I walk down the street,[br]late at night, holding her hand,

0:10:51.041,0:10:53.888
and approach a group of people[br]and have to make the decision

0:10:53.889,0:10:56.174
if I should hang on to it,[br]or I should I drop it

0:10:56.175,0:10:58.493
when all I want to do[br]is squeeze it tighter.

0:10:58.494,0:11:01.011
And the small victory I feel

0:11:01.012,0:11:03.719
when I make it by,[br]and don't have to let go.

0:11:03.720,0:11:08.838
And the incredible cowardice[br]and disappointment I feel when I drop it.

0:11:08.839,0:11:10.787
If you do not see that struggle

0:11:10.788,0:11:17.263
that is unique to my human experience[br]because I am gay, then you don't see me.

0:11:17.264,0:11:22.678
If you are going to be an ally,[br]I need you to see me.

0:11:22.679,0:11:28.621
As individuals, as allies, as humans,[br]we need to be able to hold both things,

0:11:28.622,0:11:32.899
both the good and the bad,[br]the easy and the hard,

0:11:32.900,0:11:37.371
you don't learn how to hold[br]two things just from the fluff,

0:11:37.372,0:11:39.773
you learn it from the grit.

0:11:39.774,0:11:43.158
And what if duality[br]is just the first step?

0:11:44.308,0:11:49.137
What if through compassion,[br]and empathy, and human interaction

0:11:49.138,0:11:51.532
we are able to learn to hold two things?

0:11:51.533,0:11:53.847
And if we can hold[br]two things, we can hold four,

0:11:53.848,0:11:55.858
and if we can hold four,[br]we can hold eight,

0:11:55.859,0:11:58.099
and if we can hold eight,[br]we can hold hundreds.

0:11:58.100,0:12:02.361
We are complex individuals,[br]swirls of contradiction.

0:12:02.362,0:12:05.887
You are all holding[br]so many things right now!

0:12:05.888,0:12:09.330
What can you do to hold just a few more?

0:12:10.100,0:12:14.416
So, back to Toledo, Ohio,[br]I'm at the front of the line,

0:12:14.417,0:12:18.519
niece on my shoulders,[br]the frazzled clerk calls me dad.

0:12:18.520,0:12:23.110
Have you ever been mistaken[br]for the wrong gender?

0:12:23.111,0:12:25.309
Not even that.

0:12:25.310,0:12:29.759
Have you ever been called[br]something you are not?

0:12:31.509,0:12:34.039
Here's what it feels like for me:

0:12:34.040,0:12:38.113
I am instantly an internal storm[br]of contrasting emotions.

0:12:38.114,0:12:43.656
I break out onto a sweat that is[br]a combination of rage and humiliation,

0:12:43.657,0:12:46.617
I feel like the entire store[br]is staring at me,

0:12:46.618,0:12:49.178
and I simultaneously feel invisible.

0:12:49.179,0:12:52.122
I want to explode in a tirade of fury,

0:12:52.123,0:12:54.716
and I want to crawl under a rock.

0:12:54.717,0:12:57.819
And top all of that off[br]with the frustration that I'm wearing

0:12:57.820,0:13:01.757
an outer, characteristic,[br]tight-fitting, purple T-shirt,

0:13:01.758,0:13:03.695
so this whole store can see my boobs,

0:13:03.696,0:13:06.457
to make sure this exact[br]same thing doesn't happen.

0:13:06.458,0:13:09.539
(Laughter)

0:13:09.540,0:13:13.171
But, despite my best efforts[br]to be seen as the gender I am,

0:13:13.172,0:13:14.803
it still happens.

0:13:14.804,0:13:19.496
And I hope with every ounce[br]of my body that no one here heard:

0:13:19.497,0:13:24.699
not my sister, not my girlfriend,[br]and certainly not my niece.

0:13:24.700,0:13:27.190
I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,

0:13:27.191,0:13:31.246
but I would do whatever I need to do[br]to protect the people I love from it.

0:13:31.906,0:13:34.440
But then I take my niece off my shoulders,

0:13:34.441,0:13:36.615
and she runs to Elsa and Anna

0:13:36.616,0:13:39.182
- the thing she's been[br]waiting so long for -

0:13:39.183,0:13:44.979
and all that stuff goes away;[br]all that matters is the smile on her face.

0:13:44.980,0:13:50.637
And as the 30 seconds, we waited[br]two-and-a-half hours for, comes to a close

0:13:50.638,0:13:55.841
we gather up our things,[br]and I lock eyes with the clerk again;

0:13:55.842,0:13:58.978
and she gives me[br]an apologetic smile and mouths,

0:13:58.979,0:14:01.275
(She mimes) I am so sorry!

0:14:01.276,0:14:03.385
(Laughter)

0:14:03.386,0:14:09.242
And her humanity, her willingness to admit[br]her mistake disarms me immediately,

0:14:09.243,0:14:14.415
then I give her a: "It's OK,[br]it happens. But thanks!"

0:14:14.416,0:14:17.406
And I realize in that moment

0:14:17.407,0:14:19.444
that I don't have to be

0:14:19.445,0:14:23.643
either an aunt[br]or an advocate, I can be both.

0:14:24.903,0:14:30.251
I can live in duality,[br]and I can hold two things.

0:14:30.252,0:14:33.189
And if I can hold two things[br]in that environment,

0:14:33.190,0:14:35.542
I can hold so many more things.

0:14:35.543,0:14:39.295
As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands[br]and skip out at the front of the door,

0:14:39.296,0:14:42.039
I turn to my sister and say,[br]"Was it worth it?"

0:14:42.040,0:14:43.814
And she said: "Are you kidding me?

0:14:43.815,0:14:47.702
'Did you see the look on her face?[br]This was the greatest day of her life!"

0:14:47.703,0:14:48.800
(Laughter)

0:14:48.801,0:14:51.758
It was worth the two[br]and a half hours in the heat,

0:14:51.759,0:14:56.146
it was worth the overpriced coloring book[br]that we already had a copy of

0:14:56.147,0:14:57.854
(Laughter)

0:14:57.855,0:15:01.509
it was even worth you getting called dad

0:15:01.510,0:15:02.615
(Laughter)

0:15:05.205,0:15:10.919
and for the first time ever[br]in my life, it actually was.

0:15:10.920,0:15:13.098
Thank you Boulder, have a good night.

0:15:13.099,0:15:14.619
(Applause) (Cheers)