1
00:00:00,588 --> 00:00:02,318
When I was three years old,

2
00:00:02,342 --> 00:00:05,493
I was transracially adopted
from South Korea

3
00:00:05,517 --> 00:00:08,662
by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.

4
00:00:09,507 --> 00:00:14,124
I arrived in America with a mysterious
tattoo on my left forearm.

5
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,849
The tattoo was so large and noticeable

6
00:00:16,873 --> 00:00:20,218
that my adoptive parents
had it surgically removed right away.

7
00:00:20,826 --> 00:00:23,861
They were worried that other kids
would make fun of it.

8
00:00:23,885 --> 00:00:26,667
Today, there's only a light scar
where the tattoo once was,

9
00:00:26,691 --> 00:00:30,659
so I've redrawn it in permanent marker
so you can see what it looked like.

10
00:00:31,651 --> 00:00:36,842
Korean adoption records in 1976
were notoriously incomplete.

11
00:00:37,365 --> 00:00:39,993
I didn't have any information
about my background

12
00:00:40,017 --> 00:00:41,401
or my birth family.

13
00:00:41,882 --> 00:00:46,095
I didn't even know if my name
or birth date were real

14
00:00:46,119 --> 00:00:47,618
or if they were assigned.

15
00:00:48,422 --> 00:00:51,106
And no one knew what my tattoo meant.

16
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:56,153
Transracial adoption is where a child
from one race or ethnicity

17
00:00:56,177 --> 00:01:00,079
is adopted by parents
from a different race or ethnicity.

18
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:03,549
In my generation, children
who were adopted from Korea

19
00:01:03,573 --> 00:01:07,780
were assimilated into the culture
of their adoptive parents.

20
00:01:07,804 --> 00:01:10,187
So I was raised as if I were white.

21
00:01:11,117 --> 00:01:14,378
Growing up, occasionally my family
would eat at a Korean restaurant,

22
00:01:14,402 --> 00:01:16,176
or we'd go to the Asian festival.

23
00:01:17,184 --> 00:01:20,477
But I did not identify with being Asian.

24
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,350
Looking back now,

25
00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:26,657
having my tattoo removed is symbolic
of losing a connection

26
00:01:26,681 --> 00:01:29,817
with my Korean ethnicity and culture.

27
00:01:31,042 --> 00:01:32,193
And I am not alone.

28
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:37,067
Since the 1950s, almost 200,000
Korean children have been adopted

29
00:01:37,091 --> 00:01:38,608
all over the world.

30
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:43,531
A growing body of research shows
that children experience trauma

31
00:01:43,555 --> 00:01:46,147
when they're separated
from their families of origin.

32
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,835
My story includes such childhood trauma.

33
00:01:50,879 --> 00:01:53,081
I recently found out that my birth mother

34
00:01:53,105 --> 00:01:55,710
left my family shortly after I was born.

35
00:01:56,587 --> 00:01:59,743
When I was two years old,
my birth father became injured

36
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:02,083
and could not provide
for my brothers and me.

37
00:02:03,073 --> 00:02:07,201
And so my two older brothers and I
were sent to children welfare services.

38
00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:12,760
And there, someone decided,
because I was younger,

39
00:02:13,772 --> 00:02:15,839
that I was more adoptable.

40
00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:20,064
And so, I was sent
to a separate orphanage,

41
00:02:20,088 --> 00:02:23,228
separated from my brothers
who cared for me.

42
00:02:24,768 --> 00:02:26,997
My adoption records say
that I wouldn't play

43
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:30,371
with any of the other
children at the orphanage,

44
00:02:30,395 --> 00:02:31,979
and now I know why.

45
00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:38,857
My adoption photos show the picture
of a frightened, malnourished little girl.

46
00:02:39,462 --> 00:02:43,908
Just imagine my culture shock
a short and lonely nine months later,

47
00:02:43,932 --> 00:02:45,481
as I arrived in America,

48
00:02:45,505 --> 00:02:48,243
where everything was different:

49
00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:49,996
the people,

50
00:02:50,020 --> 00:02:51,257
the buildings,

51
00:02:51,281 --> 00:02:52,766
the food

52
00:02:52,790 --> 00:02:54,116
and the clothing.

53
00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:57,476
As a three-year-old child,
I quickly figured out

54
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,846
that no one spoke
the Korean language that I spoke,

55
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:04,760
and so I stopped speaking
altogether for six months.

56
00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:08,383
And when I started speaking again,
it was in full English.

57
00:03:09,159 --> 00:03:10,949
One of the first phrases I said

58
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:14,306
as my parents showed me
my orphanage photos

59
00:03:14,330 --> 00:03:16,960
was, "Sara sad."

60
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:22,083
Children who are adopted
often put up emotional walls

61
00:03:22,107 --> 00:03:24,799
to protect themselves
from being hurt again.

62
00:03:24,823 --> 00:03:26,510
I certainly did this,

63
00:03:26,534 --> 00:03:28,742
and like many transracially
adopted children,

64
00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:32,219
there were many moments growing up
where I wished that I was white

65
00:03:32,243 --> 00:03:33,951
like the other kids around me.

66
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,566
Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.

67
00:03:38,222 --> 00:03:41,199
Now, the '80s styles were
particularly brutal to me,

68
00:03:41,223 --> 00:03:43,305
with glasses that didn't fit well,

69
00:03:43,329 --> 00:03:44,756
hairstyles --

70
00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:45,829
(Laughter)

71
00:03:45,853 --> 00:03:48,525
that looked ridiculous on me.

72
00:03:48,549 --> 00:03:50,173
(Laughter)

73
00:03:51,381 --> 00:03:55,885
This narrative of adoption might be
uncomfortable for you to hear.

74
00:03:56,505 --> 00:04:00,569
The narrative that we usually hear
is that of a new parent,

75
00:04:00,593 --> 00:04:04,043
who is eagerly awaiting a child
that they've been wanting for so long.

76
00:04:05,552 --> 00:04:08,785
The parent's story is told with love,
joy and excitement,

77
00:04:08,809 --> 00:04:12,102
and as they bring a newly adopted
child into their home,

78
00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:15,592
family and friends celebrate
and congratulate the parents

79
00:04:15,616 --> 00:04:18,443
on their wonderful decision to adopt.

80
00:04:19,622 --> 00:04:24,310
My parents' adoption story was like
a beautiful blanket that kept me warm.

81
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:29,596
But after a while, it felt like
the focus was more on the blanket,

82
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:32,622
covering me and my point of view entirely.

83
00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:35,183
I couldn't emotionally breathe.

84
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:38,892
My parents would say things to me like,

85
00:04:38,916 --> 00:04:42,770
"I fell in love with you
the first time I saw your photo."

86
00:04:42,794 --> 00:04:44,645
My heart broke.

87
00:04:46,430 --> 00:04:50,434
They love me, I know that,
and I was wanted.

88
00:04:51,861 --> 00:04:56,276
But I wish that the only birth
story I had wasn't so sad,

89
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:57,953
so humanitarian.

90
00:04:59,009 --> 00:05:01,466
I would often confuse love with gratitude,

91
00:05:01,490 --> 00:05:04,706
especially when other people
would say things to me like,

92
00:05:04,730 --> 00:05:08,154
"You're so lucky to be
adopted to America,"

93
00:05:08,178 --> 00:05:11,968
or, "Your parents
are such angels to adopt you."

94
00:05:13,284 --> 00:05:17,009
To a child, it felt like these comments
were constant reminders to be grateful

95
00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:18,727
to my parents' charity.

96
00:05:19,157 --> 00:05:21,770
I resented that I couldn't
tell these adults,

97
00:05:21,794 --> 00:05:24,907
"I don't like being reminded
all the time that I'm adopted.

98
00:05:24,931 --> 00:05:27,961
I just want to be a normal kid,

99
00:05:27,985 --> 00:05:31,578
and maybe even be ungrateful
once in a while."

100
00:05:31,602 --> 00:05:33,189
(Laughter)

101
00:05:34,153 --> 00:05:37,824
But I learned to smile
without really smiling,

102
00:05:37,848 --> 00:05:40,194
and as I grew older,
I wanted to be able to say,

103
00:05:40,218 --> 00:05:42,815
"Sara is still sad."

104
00:05:43,808 --> 00:05:46,640
But I buried my feelings,
and it wasn't until later in life

105
00:05:46,664 --> 00:05:50,818
that I realized I'd never really
grieved my own adoption.

106
00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:54,189
While many of us understand
that adopting a child

107
00:05:54,213 --> 00:05:57,924
from a different race, culture
or country is never simple,

108
00:05:57,948 --> 00:06:00,450
we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions

109
00:06:00,474 --> 00:06:02,873
that children who are adopted
can experience.

110
00:06:03,444 --> 00:06:06,669
Some children experience feelings of loss,

111
00:06:06,693 --> 00:06:08,538
feelings of rejection,

112
00:06:08,562 --> 00:06:09,940
grief,

113
00:06:09,964 --> 00:06:11,536
shame,

114
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:12,810
guilt,

115
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,215
challenges with identity,

116
00:06:15,239 --> 00:06:16,694
difficulty with intimacy

117
00:06:16,718 --> 00:06:18,389
and control issues.

118
00:06:18,413 --> 00:06:20,586
Just ask my kids.

119
00:06:20,610 --> 00:06:21,968
(Laughter)

120
00:06:21,992 --> 00:06:27,630
Children who are adopted
can still love their adoptive parents

121
00:06:27,654 --> 00:06:31,306
at the same time as experiencing
these complex emotions.

122
00:06:31,330 --> 00:06:34,777
And many of us wonder:
If we had had safe emotional spaces

123
00:06:34,801 --> 00:06:39,009
to own our own stories
when we were younger,

124
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:43,410
would we still be struggling to come
to terms with adoption as adults?

125
00:06:44,381 --> 00:06:49,119
Where do we find the emotional oxygen
to own our own stories?

126
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,679
Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,

127
00:06:54,703 --> 00:06:58,675
researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have
focused on different parenting techniques

128
00:06:58,699 --> 00:07:00,527
for transracial adoption.

129
00:07:00,551 --> 00:07:03,822
The hope is to help children
and their adoptive parents

130
00:07:03,846 --> 00:07:07,894
better adapt to their unique
racial and ethnic circumstances.

131
00:07:07,918 --> 00:07:10,146
There's more inculturation encouraged,

132
00:07:10,170 --> 00:07:12,971
that exposes children to the people,

133
00:07:12,995 --> 00:07:16,735
places, languages and culture
of their birth families.

134
00:07:16,759 --> 00:07:20,015
Some parents focus on racial inculcation

135
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:24,408
to specifically work with their children
on the racism and discrimination

136
00:07:24,432 --> 00:07:27,328
that they will experience
outside of the home.

137
00:07:27,352 --> 00:07:30,669
And some parents allow children
to choose as they get older

138
00:07:30,693 --> 00:07:34,456
the level of exposure to the culture
of their birth families.

139
00:07:35,064 --> 00:07:37,252
Now, we might look
at these signs of progress

140
00:07:37,276 --> 00:07:41,370
and think we've got it all figured out
when it comes to transracial adoption.

141
00:07:42,489 --> 00:07:47,460
The Korean adoptees were the first
massive wave of international adoptions,

142
00:07:47,484 --> 00:07:51,347
almost 30 years earlier
than most other countries,

143
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:54,833
and so there are entire generations
of Korean adoptees --

144
00:07:54,857 --> 00:07:59,380
from children all the way
to adults in their 70s --

145
00:07:59,404 --> 00:08:02,188
dealing with the impact
of their assimilation,

146
00:08:02,212 --> 00:08:05,056
and there have only been
a handful of studies

147
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,114
that follow transracial adoptees
over a lifetime.

148
00:08:10,260 --> 00:08:13,860
I know that people around me
could not understand my adoption grief.

149
00:08:14,692 --> 00:08:18,136
Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee,
expressed what I was feeling

150
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,356
when she said,

151
00:08:20,324 --> 00:08:23,293
"Loss is especially confusing to measure

152
00:08:23,317 --> 00:08:26,894
when it appears as if
I haven't lost anything at all.

153
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,022
It's not missing like an organ.

154
00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:34,076
It's missing like wherever dreams go
when you blink awake

155
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,718
into the morning light."

156
00:08:36,707 --> 00:08:39,761
Every year, hundreds
of South Korean adoptees

157
00:08:39,785 --> 00:08:41,395
search for their birth families.

158
00:08:41,930 --> 00:08:46,579
Korean agencies report
that less than 15 percent are successful.

159
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:52,103
Last year, I found my Korean birth family
in just three months.

160
00:08:53,119 --> 00:08:57,241
I posted a photo of my redrawn
tattoo on social media,

161
00:08:57,265 --> 00:08:59,500
which Korean groups generously shared.

162
00:09:00,778 --> 00:09:03,442
A friend of my brother saw the photo,

163
00:09:03,466 --> 00:09:06,886
and he knew instantly
what the tattoo meant.

164
00:09:08,665 --> 00:09:11,947
When my father decided to send us
to children welfare services,

165
00:09:11,971 --> 00:09:17,400
he was worried that we would be separated
and even adopted into foreign countries.

166
00:09:18,055 --> 00:09:22,397
And so he took the unusual step
to place a large tattoo

167
00:09:22,421 --> 00:09:24,389
on each of our arms

168
00:09:24,413 --> 00:09:27,002
and on his own,

169
00:09:27,026 --> 00:09:29,494
so that we could find each other someday.

170
00:09:30,912 --> 00:09:32,888
And he tried searching for me.

171
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:35,421
And he was right:

172
00:09:36,232 --> 00:09:41,157
the tattoo did eventually lead me
to find the family that I had lost.

173
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:47,468
Unfortunately, he passed away nine years
before he could see his children reunited.

174
00:09:48,229 --> 00:09:52,738
But last year, I traveled to Korea
to meet my two older brothers,

175
00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:54,847
my aunt and uncle,

176
00:09:54,871 --> 00:09:57,089
and I learned a lot
of new things about myself,

177
00:09:57,113 --> 00:09:59,088
including my real birth date,

178
00:09:59,112 --> 00:10:01,642
which actually makes me
seven months older.

179
00:10:01,666 --> 00:10:03,524
(Laughter)

180
00:10:03,548 --> 00:10:07,209
This middle-aged woman
did not love hearing that she is older.

181
00:10:07,233 --> 00:10:09,086
(Laughter)

182
00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:12,831
And that explains all those gifted
and talented classes I had in school.

183
00:10:12,855 --> 00:10:15,709
(Laughter)

184
00:10:17,654 --> 00:10:20,029
But the most important
thing that I learned

185
00:10:20,926 --> 00:10:23,933
was that I had a loving family in Korea

186
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,541
who remembered me as a little baby

187
00:10:27,565 --> 00:10:30,011
and had never forgotten me.

188
00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:34,433
I wasn't abandoned,
like my adoption records said.

189
00:10:35,747 --> 00:10:37,281
I was wanted.

190
00:10:39,495 --> 00:10:42,760
It's time to reframe
our views on adoption.

191
00:10:42,784 --> 00:10:47,198
A healthy adoption ecosystem
is one in which children,

192
00:10:47,222 --> 00:10:50,554
adoptive families and birth families

193
00:10:50,578 --> 00:10:53,021
each own their unique stories.

194
00:10:53,494 --> 00:10:56,961
When these narratives
are placed side by side,

195
00:10:56,985 --> 00:11:01,831
it creates better empathy and policies
for the lives that adoption impacts.

196
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,188
Here are two things that adults can do

197
00:11:05,212 --> 00:11:08,140
to better protect
adopted children's stories.

198
00:11:08,581 --> 00:11:13,831
First, give children safe emotional spaces
to express their emotions,

199
00:11:13,855 --> 00:11:16,228
both positive and negative.

200
00:11:17,713 --> 00:11:20,642
Phrases such as "tell me more,"

201
00:11:20,666 --> 00:11:22,593
"what do you wish for,"

202
00:11:22,617 --> 00:11:24,981
and "those feelings are normal"

203
00:11:25,005 --> 00:11:30,367
are ways that parents can grant
emotional oxygen to their children.

204
00:11:30,970 --> 00:11:35,167
Second, validate a child's adoption story.

205
00:11:35,959 --> 00:11:39,319
Children may express emotions
that may feel hurtful

206
00:11:39,343 --> 00:11:42,048
or worry an adoptive parent.

207
00:11:42,072 --> 00:11:45,475
As a parent, work to hold
and manage your fears

208
00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:47,579
separately from your child.

209
00:11:48,413 --> 00:11:52,952
Always acknowledge your child's story
as valid and important.

210
00:11:54,091 --> 00:11:56,835
Now, it's natural to want
to protect children

211
00:11:56,859 --> 00:11:58,663
from experiencing pain.

212
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:05,508
But my tattoo is a poignant reminder
that every adoption starts with loss,

213
00:12:05,532 --> 00:12:08,413
and every child is affected differently.

214
00:12:08,909 --> 00:12:12,807
Children who are adopted
can live full, rich lives,

215
00:12:12,831 --> 00:12:18,022
as we accept and build upon this unique
set of cards that we were dealt.

216
00:12:18,547 --> 00:12:21,058
And as you listen
to our narratives with empathy,

217
00:12:21,082 --> 00:12:23,484
you will hear other things as well:

218
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:27,417
childlike curiosity,

219
00:12:27,441 --> 00:12:28,814
grace,

220
00:12:28,838 --> 00:12:30,539
resilience,

221
00:12:30,563 --> 00:12:31,731
courage,

222
00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:33,825
love

223
00:12:34,771 --> 00:12:37,906
and yes, even gratitude.

224
00:12:38,468 --> 00:12:39,635
Thank you.

225
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:42,587
(Applause)