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I first tried online dating[br]my freshman year of college,

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which was in 2001,[br]in case you can't see my wrinkle.

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Now, as you may have noticed,[br]I'm six-feet tall

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and when I arrived at my chosen university

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and realized our men's division three[br]basketball team averaged five-foot-eight,

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I abandoned the on-campus[br]scene and went online.

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Now, back then, online dating[br]was pretty close to the plot

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of "You've Got Mail."

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You'd write long emails[br]back and forth for weeks,

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before you finally met up in real life.

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Except, in my case, you'd realize[br]you have no chemistry

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and so now you're back to square one.

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So, while online dating[br]has changed a lot in the last 17 years,

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many of the frustrations remain the same.

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Because here's what it does well.

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It broadens your pool of potential dates,

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beyond your existing social[br]and professional circles.

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And here's what it doesn't do well.

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Literally everything else.

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(Laughter)

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A few things you should know about me:

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I'm an action-oriented overachieving[br]math and theater nerd,

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who ended up with an MBA.

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So, when things aren't working out,[br]I tend to take a step back,

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apply my business toolkit[br]to figure out why and to fix it.

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My love life was no exception.

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The summer before I turned 30,[br]I took myself on a relationship off-site.

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Which means I went camping solo[br]in Maine for a week,

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to do a retro on my track record[br]of mediocre relationships.

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Because the thing was,[br]I knew what I wanted in a partner.

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Kindness, curiosity, empathy,[br]a sense of purpose.

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And yet, here's what I chose for online:

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Ivy-league degree, sex-feet or taller,

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lives within 12 subway stops of me.

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It's not that I intentionally[br]prioritized those things,

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it's just the easiest to vet for online.

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It kind of is like a resume review,

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which is why these guys[br]looked great on paper

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and never quite fit me.

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So when I went back[br]online in the spring of 2016,

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I decided to re-engineer the process[br]through some classic business tools.

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First, I went to OkCupid,

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because I wanted to avoid[br]the gamification of swipe-based apps.

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And also, because I wanted[br]a writing sample.

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Next, I set up a sales funnel,

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throwing out any sense of my type,

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and instead defining the criteria[br]that would qualify a lead.

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An inbound message had to do three things:

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had to be written in complete sentences[br]and with good grammar,

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it had to reference[br]something in my profile,

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so I know it's not[br]a copy and paste situation,

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and it had to avoid all sexual content.

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I figured this was a pretty low bar,

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but it turns out,[br]of my 210 inbound messages,

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only 14 percent cleared that hurdle.

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(Laughter)

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Next, I wanted to meet in real life[br]as quickly as possible,

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because the things I cared about[br]I couldn't see online.

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But the research and my experience

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shows you only need about 30 seconds[br]with someone to tell if you click.

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So I invented the zero date.

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The zero date is one drink, one hour.

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With the goal of answering one question:

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would I like to have[br]dinner with this person?

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Not, are they the one?

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Literally: would I like to spend[br]three hours across the table

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from this person?

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You tell them you have a hard stop --

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drinks with girlfriends,[br]a conference call with China --

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it doesn't matter, they don't know you.

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The point is one hour.

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If it's awesome,[br]you schedule a first date.

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And if it's now awesome,[br]you downshift into entertainer mode

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and you workshop a few new stories[br]for your next networking event.

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Plus, because it's just an hour,[br]you can squeeze up to three in one evening

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and then you only have to do your hair[br]and pick out one great outfit a week.

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The zero date also gave me a chance[br]to see how they responded

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to me asking them out.

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I figured, not everyone[br]would dig my moxy and I was right.

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Of my 29 qualified leads,[br]only 15 replied to my message,

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and of those, six scheduled a zero date.

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My first zero date[br]was with a set designer.

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And we were both into yoga

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and preferred our bagels[br]with peanut butter,

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so it looked pretty promising.

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But two minutes in, I could tell[br]it wasn't going to be a thing

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and I was relieved not to be[br]spending dinner with him.

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After that, I was a little nervous[br]about going to my next zero date.

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But we had agreed to meet[br]on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade

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with a flask of whisky[br]to watch the sunset,

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and honestly, it was two blocks[br]from my apartment.

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Plus, this guy had a podcast,[br]I have a podcast,

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worst case scenario --[br]we can talk about our podcasts.

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Then, Chaz set down next to me.

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And this kind and empathetic man

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told great jokes and asked[br]even better questions.

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He was a lawyer and a writer,[br]and his eyes twinkled when he laughed

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and they squeezed tight when I kissed him

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and at some point in the evening,[br]our zero date became a first date.

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And two years later, we have a washer,[br]dryer and two house plants together.

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Now, I can't promise you're going to[br]end up with house plants.

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But the point of this story is that[br]online dating doesn't have to suck.

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Don't treat it like a game[br]and don't treat it like a resume review.

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Instead, use it to source[br]and qualify leads

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and then get offline as quickly[br]as possible with the zero date.

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Because the point of this isn't swiping.

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It's finding your person.

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Good luck.

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(Applause)