0:00:08.194,0:00:12.272
(Portuguese) I want to tell you

0:00:12.272,0:00:16.352
why I'm interested in listening.

0:00:16.352,0:00:18.514
When I was 17 years old,

0:00:18.514,0:00:21.844
I started to suffer[br]from a pain in my throat.

0:00:21.844,0:00:25.768
Psychiatrists called it globus hystericus,

0:00:25.768,0:00:27.828
completely psychosomatic.

0:00:27.828,0:00:31.142
Eventually I developed depressions,

0:00:31.142,0:00:34.992
and even considered suicide,[br]and I could not relax.

0:00:34.992,0:00:37.754
At the age of 25 when I tried yoga,

0:00:37.754,0:00:41.542
I felt as if somebody was putting[br]a nail into my throat here

0:00:41.542,0:00:43.964
and it was coming out[br]from the other side.

0:00:43.964,0:00:46.349
So I learned to cope with the pain

0:00:46.349,0:00:50.440
by working many hours[br]and ignoring what was going on inside,

0:00:50.440,0:00:53.081
so I couldn't feel anything[br]from here down.

0:00:53.081,0:00:56.132
And in this way,[br]I was able to raise a family,

0:00:56.132,0:00:58.221
succeed in my career,

0:00:58.221,0:01:01.363
and things were as if they were OK,

0:01:01.363,0:01:03.909
until by the age of 46.

0:01:03.909,0:01:05.389
I was hit by a crisis

0:01:05.389,0:01:07.765
that was sparked by a consultant

0:01:07.765,0:01:10.765
using questions[br]from an appreciative inquiry.

0:01:10.765,0:01:11.956
She asked:

0:01:12.986,0:01:18.626
"When were the relationships[br]between men and women ideal?

0:01:18.626,0:01:22.429
And could you please tell us a story

0:01:22.429,0:01:26.979
about a moment at work[br]in which you felt full of life?"

0:01:28.019,0:01:29.775
I was stunned.

0:01:29.775,0:01:34.124
First, I realized how much[br]little joy I had in my life,

0:01:34.124,0:01:39.565
and second, I realized that answering[br]this question is changing me,

0:01:39.565,0:01:42.721
thanks to somebody listening to me.

0:01:45.611,0:01:49.120
Then I allowed myself[br]to try a variety of things

0:01:49.120,0:01:53.491
such as: massage therapy, psychodrama,

0:01:53.491,0:01:57.036
storytelling classes, voice classes,

0:01:58.491,0:02:00.542
Zen Buddhism workshops,

0:02:00.542,0:02:03.491
and more recently[br]dialectical behavior therapy

0:02:03.491,0:02:06.371
and things started to change for me.

0:02:06.371,0:02:11.247
First I could feel the pain again[br]but I didn't run away from it.

0:02:11.247,0:02:13.273
Eventually I even started to feel anxiety,

0:02:13.273,0:02:16.892
which I didn't know [br]what it was until that age.

0:02:16.892,0:02:23.493
But later on, I won some moments[br]of tranquility, quietness,

0:02:23.493,0:02:25.053
and moments of joy.

0:02:25.053,0:02:28.849
And I started to ask myself,[br]"What made it possible?"

0:02:28.849,0:02:32.044
And my answer was that I was so lucky

0:02:32.044,0:02:36.699
as to raise myself a village of people[br]who would listen to me.

0:02:37.772,0:02:42.748
So, then I decided to research listening.

0:02:42.748,0:02:48.580
And today I would like to share[br]with you the results of this research.

0:02:49.600,0:02:52.627
So, I first looked[br]in the professional literature

0:02:52.627,0:02:55.722
in my field of management[br]and organizational behavior,

0:02:55.722,0:02:59.644
and in one top journal,[br]out of 3,000 papers,

0:02:59.644,0:03:02.762
I found zero discussing listening.

0:03:02.762,0:03:04.248
In other top journal,

0:03:04.248,0:03:08.009
out of 4,000 papers,[br]two discussed listening.

0:03:09.289,0:03:11.482
And while it reflects something

0:03:11.482,0:03:15.432
about the disinterest[br]of researchers in listening,

0:03:15.432,0:03:21.305
I think it reflects the disinterest[br]of humans in listening.

0:03:21.305,0:03:23.002
Watch with me this graph.

0:03:23.002,0:03:27.388
This shows what people[br]are searching in Google

0:03:27.388,0:03:31.138
from 2004 until 2015.

0:03:31.138,0:03:35.299
The red is the amount[br]of searches for the word "talking",

0:03:35.299,0:03:37.846
and the blue is for "listening".

0:03:37.846,0:03:40.626
This is what people are interested in.

0:03:40.626,0:03:44.828
And you speaking Portuguese[br]do not have to worry about

0:03:44.828,0:03:49.499
(Português) "talking" in red[br]versus (Português) "listening" in blue.

0:03:51.119,0:03:56.623
So I started to look at what theories[br]exist out there about listening[br]

0:03:56.623,0:03:59.653
and I'll show you three,

0:03:59.653,0:04:01.478
starting with the idea

0:04:01.478,0:04:07.908
that, actually, the listener dictates[br]the speaker's speech quality.

0:04:07.908,0:04:12.445
If he's going to listen to you,[br]naturally you'll talk more,

0:04:12.445,0:04:17.675
but you'll talk more coherently[br]and you'll tell more interesting stories.

0:04:18.845,0:04:21.069
And if this is not enough,

0:04:21.069,0:04:25.089
if you tell more and more[br]interesting stories

0:04:25.089,0:04:30.992
you commit whatever[br]you have said to your memory,

0:04:30.992,0:04:33.982
so you know more about yourself,

0:04:33.982,0:04:38.827
such that if a child comes home[br]and tells the parents,

0:04:38.827,0:04:41.421
"Oh! We did this and that in school,"

0:04:41.421,0:04:45.845
and the parents say, "Not now. [br]Have a shower and we'll have dinner,"

0:04:45.845,0:04:47.566
the child will remember

0:04:47.566,0:04:50.876
that whatever he or she did in school[br]was not that interesting.

0:04:50.876,0:04:53.499
That will be commited to memories.

0:04:53.499,0:04:59.722
Thus, the collection of our listeners[br]slowly, imperceptibly,

0:04:59.722,0:05:02.722
changes our self-knowledge.

0:05:02.722,0:05:05.893
If this is not enough,

0:05:05.893,0:05:10.877
listening in a special way[br]could even change personality,

0:05:10.877,0:05:15.483
a listening that is[br]nonjudgmental and emphatic.

0:05:17.013,0:05:21.669
Let me explain to you how could it be[br]that listening would change personality.

0:05:21.669,0:05:25.691
For that, I have to paraphrase[br]Pirandello from his book:

0:05:25.691,0:05:31.356
"Uno, nessuno e centomila" or [br]"One, No One, and One Hundred Thousand".

0:05:31.356,0:05:33.709
From now I'm going to act,[br]so don't get scared.

0:05:33.709,0:05:35.441
I see that you're laughing at me.[br]

0:05:35.441,0:05:37.981
That is fine, continue to laugh at me,

0:05:37.981,0:05:39.517
but do me a favor.

0:05:39.517,0:05:41.782
Do you remember the case that you had

0:05:41.782,0:05:45.288
that in your home there was[br]a good friend sitting with you

0:05:45.288,0:05:48.995
and, suddenly, a new friend [br]was knocking on the door,

0:05:48.995,0:05:50.983
and you, what did you do?

0:05:50.983,0:05:53.450
With an ugly excuse,

0:05:53.450,0:05:57.800
you asked the old friend to go home,

0:05:57.800,0:05:59.994
because you were afraid

0:05:59.994,0:06:04.064
that the old and the new friend[br]will not get along.

0:06:04.624,0:06:08.442
I see that you remember this case,[br]so do me one more little favor.

0:06:08.442,0:06:12.474
What do you think would have happened[br]if, instead of throwing out from your home

0:06:12.474,0:06:16.343
the good old friend, and let me add,[br]the stand good old friend,

0:06:16.343,0:06:20.275
you had left home for half an hour

0:06:20.275,0:06:26.668
and, within this half an hour, [br]asked them to sit in your living room?

0:06:26.668,0:06:30.146
Tell me what do you think[br]would have happened

0:06:30.146,0:06:31.356
when you came back home?

0:06:31.356,0:06:33.036
Don't you think it's possible[br]

0:06:33.036,0:06:36.804
that one of them would say,[br]"Wow, what an interesting person!",

0:06:36.804,0:06:41.718
and the other one, "You don't believe it![br]Thank you for this introduction!"

0:06:41.718,0:06:46.280
So, you see, that is exactly[br]what would have happened.

0:06:46.280,0:06:48.435
So, now, let me ask you one more question.

0:06:48.435,0:06:53.472
Who the hell do you think [br]you kicked out from your home?

0:06:53.472,0:06:58.501
It is not the good old friend[br]because he or she

0:06:58.501,0:07:01.711
"will not get along with the new one."

0:07:01.711,0:07:04.551
We've just established [br]they'd have gotten along just fine.

0:07:04.551,0:07:05.548
Let me tell you.[br]

0:07:05.548,0:07:10.672
You kicked out from home the character[br]that you present to the old friend

0:07:10.672,0:07:15.533
because this one has absolutely [br]nothing to do with the character

0:07:15.533,0:07:18.669
that you want now to present[br]to your new friend.

0:07:18.669,0:07:22.746
And now that we discovered[br]that you have two creatures in your mind,

0:07:22.746,0:07:24.897
who knows what is the truth?

0:07:24.897,0:07:27.317
How many creatures do you have inside?

0:07:27.317,0:07:33.368
Is it scores, hundreds or,[br]perhaps more accurately, thousands?

0:07:34.698,0:07:38.274
So, I thank to Pirandello two things.

0:07:38.274,0:07:41.124
First: (French) Congratulations!

0:07:41.124,0:07:43.538
Seventy years before the psychologists,

0:07:43.538,0:07:48.488
you described the self as a multitude[br]and not as a unity.

0:07:48.488,0:07:53.958
We say "my self-esteem",[br]as if there is one self there.

0:07:53.958,0:07:56.619
But the second thing, Mr. Pirandello,

0:07:56.619,0:08:01.625
what wrong did the people[br]attending TEDx do to you?

0:08:01.625,0:08:03.148
And now we'll go home and think,

0:08:03.148,0:08:06.258
"I have this character[br]and this character, and I'll get crazy,

0:08:06.258,0:08:08.868
like your book's hero."

0:08:09.698,0:08:12.305
And here comes listening.

0:08:12.305,0:08:16.704
My understanding[br]is that when you really listen,

0:08:16.704,0:08:23.116
a person will start to hear[br]hidden characters inside him or her.

0:08:23.116,0:08:28.023
But not only recognize[br]different parts of the self,

0:08:28.023,0:08:31.277
but it allows to build[br]bridges between them.

0:08:31.277,0:08:34.302
So the elements of the self[br]could live together.

0:08:34.302,0:08:36.879
So let's see what is the evidence.

0:08:36.879,0:08:41.952
Now to collect the evidence, you know,[br]some people collect stamps.

0:08:41.952,0:08:44.707
I collect scientific papers on listening.

0:08:44.707,0:08:47.591
And every paper that has numerical data,[br]

0:08:47.591,0:08:52.844
I take it and put it on a pile to see[br]the overall picture of what we know.

0:08:52.844,0:08:55.265
And this process is called meta-analysis.

0:08:55.265,0:08:57.625
I've done many of those on many topics,

0:08:57.625,0:09:00.723
and let me first summarize[br]to you the results.

0:09:02.213,0:09:03.653
This is the result.

0:09:03.653,0:09:09.448
One person listening creates[br]two people with benefits:

0:09:09.448,0:09:11.478
the listener and the speaker.

0:09:11.478,0:09:13.390
Let's go into details.

0:09:13.390,0:09:14.690
For example,

0:09:14.690,0:09:20.552
experiments show that a poor listener[br]indeed creates poor speakers.

0:09:20.552,0:09:24.122
My own team shows that a good listener

0:09:24.122,0:09:31.215
indeed makes speakers who have[br]more complex attitudes and less extreme.

0:09:31.215,0:09:37.741
And finally, research on training[br]suggests that listening could be taught.

0:09:37.741,0:09:39.881
Let's see more data.[br]

0:09:39.881,0:09:42.149
There is also evidence

0:09:42.149,0:09:46.855
that good listeners are also[br]good performers, for example:

0:09:46.855,0:09:52.177
physicians who listen well [br]tend to have less malpractice losses;

0:09:52.177,0:09:57.891
detectives who listen well tend[br]to listen to new information

0:09:57.891,0:10:01.252
unknown to the police, from the suspect;

0:10:01.252,0:10:05.747
salespeople who listen well sell more;

0:10:06.891,0:10:10.511
principals who listen to their teachers,

0:10:10.511,0:10:15.471
their students have [br]better grades in school;

0:10:15.471,0:10:20.932
and finally, supervisors who listen,[br]their employees have less accidents.

0:10:20.932,0:10:23.130
Let me show you even more.[br]

0:10:23.130,0:10:27.279
Let me explain[br]this graph of meta-analysis.

0:10:27.279,0:10:33.169
On the first line you see that I found[br]in this collection 13 studies

0:10:33.169,0:10:37.976
that are accumulating information [br]of almost 8,000 people

0:10:37.976,0:10:41.686
and it suggests that if you[br]listen to other people,

0:10:41.686,0:10:45.229
especially if you are the boss,[br]they'll think you are a leader of people,

0:10:45.229,0:10:49.876
that you know how to lead[br]the people aspects in leadership.

0:10:49.876,0:10:51.804
You will feel more psychological safety,[br]

0:10:51.804,0:10:54.486
you'll say what is in your mind,

0:10:54.486,0:10:56.376
you will trust the listener.

0:10:56.376,0:10:59.584
If it's your boss, [br]you have higher job satisfaction;

0:10:59.584,0:11:02.808
if you're a physician,[br]your patient will be more satisfied;

0:11:02.808,0:11:06.802
if you're a boss, your workers[br]will have more commitment;

0:11:06.802,0:11:10.353
if you work in a hospital [br]and listen to your patient,

0:11:10.353,0:11:13.092
there will be less violence [br]against the staff;

0:11:13.092,0:11:17.784
if your manager listens to you,[br]you'll have less burn out,

0:11:17.784,0:11:22.313
your performance is higher and [br]maybe a little bit even less depression.

0:11:22.313,0:11:23.698
And let me tell you

0:11:23.698,0:11:26.708
that everything[br]to the right of the line here

0:11:26.708,0:11:30.632
is considered a strong[br]association in my field.

0:11:30.632,0:11:33.674
Let me explain what I mean[br]by strong association.

0:11:33.674,0:11:37.057
Let's take the case[br]of job satisfaction as an example.

0:11:37.057,0:11:41.188
If I want to predict, to focus [br]on your job satisfaction

0:11:41.188,0:11:44.460
and I know how much you're[br]being paid relative to other people,

0:11:44.460,0:11:47.850
I can slightly predict[br]your job satisfaction.

0:11:47.850,0:11:51.498
But if I know whether [br]your boss listens to you or not,

0:11:51.498,0:11:57.325
I have a predictor that's 13.5 [times][br]stronger and more accurate than your pay.

0:11:58.885,0:12:01.724
Next, in my research, in past years,

0:12:01.724,0:12:05.706
I was studying the destructive[br]effect of feedback on performance.

0:12:05.706,0:12:12.599
I found out that, out of 607 experiments,[br]in close to 40% of them,

0:12:12.599,0:12:17.667
after feedback, whether positive [br]or negative, performance goes down.

0:12:18.437,0:12:20.331
In 38% in listening, in contrast,

0:12:20.331,0:12:24.511
I didn't find any evidence[br]that listening can cause damage,

0:12:24.511,0:12:28.620
perhaps 5% of them showed[br]it doesn't produce anything effective.

0:12:28.620,0:12:31.474
My most conservative estimate

0:12:31.474,0:12:38.340
is that giving feedback is 7.5 times[br]more dangerous than just listening.

0:12:39.241,0:12:42.656
Talking could cause you trouble.

0:12:42.656,0:12:47.839
So, if listening is so useful,

0:12:47.839,0:12:52.429
why is it that most of us[br]have difficulty in listening

0:12:52.429,0:12:54.079
most of the time?

0:12:54.079,0:12:58.463
I want to introduce to you[br]the enemies of listening.

0:12:58.463,0:13:05.111
These are boredom, dominance, [br]fear of intimacy, trauma and cost.

0:13:05.111,0:13:09.042
Let's talk about each of them, alone.

0:13:10.128,0:13:14.237
My approach is: let's collaborate[br]with the enemies of listening

0:13:14.237,0:13:16.114
rather than fight them.

0:13:16.114,0:13:17.703
The first enemy is boredom.[br]

0:13:17.703,0:13:20.057
Some people may talk your ear off,

0:13:20.057,0:13:22.327
and you say, "I can't listen[br]to this anymore."

0:13:22.327,0:13:24.964
You want to leave the room[br]or want them to leave.

0:13:24.964,0:13:27.264
What can you do?

0:13:27.264,0:13:30.631
You can ask them to tell stories.

0:13:30.631,0:13:32.531
Instead of asking, "What's your name?",

0:13:32.531,0:13:36.114
"Could you tell me something [br]interesting about your name?"

0:13:36.114,0:13:38.702
You can ask these people, and in general,

0:13:38.702,0:13:41.285
after they say whatever they say,

0:13:41.285,0:13:44.695
"and what else", and wait.

0:13:45.845,0:13:49.151
Sometimes the boring person [br]will start to tell you the truth

0:13:49.151,0:13:50.798
or what's really important.[br]

0:13:50.798,0:13:53.278
And it's not going to be boring anymore.

0:13:53.278,0:13:57.083
Next, all of us[br]want to gain social status.

0:13:57.083,0:14:00.555
It's perhaps an evolutionary[br]force that we cannot fight.

0:14:00.555,0:14:03.027
But we can do it in two different ways:

0:14:03.027,0:14:04.619
we can dominate other people

0:14:04.619,0:14:07.619
by intimidating them[br]and instilling fear in them

0:14:07.619,0:14:11.890
or we can have some skill that people [br]want to imitate to get from us

0:14:11.890,0:14:14.120
and we build prestige.

0:14:14.120,0:14:16.511
And we found that if you listen,

0:14:16.511,0:14:22.645
you’re going to lose [br]social status based on dominance,

0:14:22.645,0:14:26.676
but you will gain social status[br]based on prestige.

0:14:26.676,0:14:31.169
So it's up to you to choose[br]how do you want to build your status.

0:14:31.169,0:14:34.495
And then some people,[br]when you try to listen to them,

0:14:34.495,0:14:36.135
they get nervous.

0:14:36.135,0:14:39.231
You ask them questions[br]that are not comfortable.

0:14:39.231,0:14:44.618
For those people, try to talk to them[br]at first only about technical things.

0:14:45.444,0:14:51.353
And then, when you listen to people,[br]you may start to hear horrible stories,

0:14:51.353,0:14:54.661
about the Holocaust, about rape,

0:14:54.661,0:14:59.261
about cancer, death, premature death.

0:14:59.261,0:15:04.864
You may feel burdened that now you need[br]to help the person who shared the story,

0:15:04.864,0:15:07.378
but you should know that often

0:15:07.378,0:15:12.438
what the other person wants[br]is nothing but your listening.

0:15:12.438,0:15:17.635
If you listen and believe it is helpful,[br]you will not have such burden.

0:15:17.635,0:15:22.820
And last, listening is a cost,[br]it's an effort.

0:15:22.820,0:15:24.682
So that's what I suggest to you:

0:15:24.682,0:15:27.582
spread your eggs, don't start[br]right now to listen to everyone,

0:15:27.582,0:15:28.989
it's impossible.

0:15:28.989,0:15:33.476
Every day choose one, two people[br]to listen to just a little bit more.

0:15:33.476,0:15:39.046
Then, you should respect your limitation[br]of how much you really can listen to.

0:15:39.046,0:15:41.238
And to build your energy to do that,

0:15:41.238,0:15:45.188
you will need somebody[br]to listen to you as well.

0:15:49.628,0:15:52.768
Actually, everything that[br]I have said is not that new.

0:15:52.768,0:15:56.757
Let me show you what is written [br]in the Book of Proverbs in the Bible:

0:15:57.719,0:16:03.105
"Counsel in the heart [br]of man is like deep water,

0:16:03.105,0:16:07.686
but a man of understanding[br]will draw it out."

0:16:07.686,0:16:12.593
That is, each of us[br]have an advice, a counsel,

0:16:12.593,0:16:14.843
to our own problems and challenges

0:16:14.843,0:16:19.289
and the value of this advice

0:16:19.289,0:16:22.729
is like water which is a source of life.

0:16:22.729,0:16:26.362
That is, the advice that we have[br]for ourselves is a source of life.

0:16:26.362,0:16:32.405
But a man or a prisioner[br]of understanding will throw it out.

0:16:32.405,0:16:37.207
This is the other that will bring[br]our own wisdom outside.

0:16:37.207,0:16:41.520
So, I'd like to conclude[br]with two dreams that I have.

0:16:41.520,0:16:45.887
One, I wish that in 20 [br]or 30 years from now

0:16:45.887,0:16:51.834
every child in every school[br]will learn reading, writing,

0:16:51.834,0:16:54.624
and listening.

0:16:54.624,0:16:56.473
And my other small wish

0:16:56.473,0:17:01.182
is that, during the break,[br]the breaks here today and tomorrow,

0:17:01.182,0:17:03.846
you will go and ask somebody around you,

0:17:03.846,0:17:07.306
"Could you tell me[br]a story about good listening?"

0:17:07.306,0:17:08.873
Enjoy it.

0:17:08.873,0:17:11.865
(Applause)