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Alright.

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I'm going to show you a couple of images

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from a very diverting paper
in The Journal of Ultrasound in Medicine.

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I'm going to go way out on a limb and say
that it is the most diverting paper

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ever published in
The Journal of Ultrasound in Medicine.

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The title is "Observations
of In-Utero Masturbation."

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(Laughter)

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Okay. Now on the left you can see
the hand -- that's the big arrow --

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and the penis on the right.
The hand hovering.

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And over here we have,

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in the words of radiologist
Israel Meisner,

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"The hand grasping the penis in a fashion
resembling masturbation movements."

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Bear in mind this was an ultrasound,

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so it would have been moving images.

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Orgasm is a reflex
of the autonomic nervous system.

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Now, this is the part
of the nervous system

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that deals with the things
that we don't consciously control,

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like digestion, heart rate
and sexual arousal.

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And the orgasm reflex can be triggered
by a surprisingly broad range of input.

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Genital stimulation. Duh.

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But also, Kinsey interviewed a woman

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who could be brought to orgasm
by having someone stroke her eyebrow.

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People with spinal cord injuries,

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like paraplegias, quadriplegias,

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will often develop a very,
very sensitive area

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right above the level of their injury,

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wherever that is.

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There is such a thing
as a knee orgasm in the literature.

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I think the most curious one
that I came across

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was a case report of a woman

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who had an orgasm every time
she brushed her teeth.

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(Laughter)

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Something in the complex
sensory-motor action of brushing her teeth

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was triggering orgasm.

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And she went to a neurologist,
who was fascinated.

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He checked to see
if it was something in the toothpaste,

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but no -- it happened with any brand.

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They stimulated her gums with a toothpick,
to see if that was doing it.

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No. It was the whole, you know, motion.

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And the amazing thing to me

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is that you would think this woman
would have excellent oral hygiene.

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(Laughter)

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Sadly -- this is what it said
in the journal paper --

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"She believed that she was
possessed by demons

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and switched to mouthwash
for her oral care."

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It's so sad.

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(Laughter)

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When I was working on the book,

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I interviewed a woman
who can think herself to orgasm.

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She was part of a study
at Rutgers University.

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You've got to love that. Rutgers.

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So I interviewed her in Oakland,
in a sushi restaurant.

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And I said, "So, could you
do it right here?"

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And she said,

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"Yeah, but you know I'd rather
finish my meal if you don't mind."

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(Laughter)

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But afterwards, she was kind enough
to demonstrate on a bench outside.

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It was remarkable.
It took about one minute.

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And I said to her,

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"Are you just doing this all the time?"

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(Laughter)

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She said, "No. Honestly, when I get home,
I'm usually too tired."

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(Laughter)

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She said that the last time
she had done it

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was on the Disneyland tram.

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(Laughter)

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The headquarters for orgasm,
along the spinal nerve,

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is something called the sacral nerve root,

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which is back here.

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And if you trigger,
if you stimulate with an electrode,

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the precise spot,
you will trigger an orgasm.

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And it is a fact that you can trigger
spinal reflexes in dead people --

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a certain kind of dead person,
a beating-heart cadaver.

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Now this is somebody who is brain-dead,

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legally dead, definitely checked out,

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but is being kept alive on a respirator,

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so that their organs will be oxygenated
for transplantation.

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Now in one of these brain-dead people,

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if you trigger the right spot,

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you will see something every now and then.

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There is a reflex called
the Lazarus reflex.

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And this is -- I'll demonstrate
as best I can, not being dead.

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It's like this. You trigger the spot.

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The dead guy, or gal, goes... like that.

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Very unsettling for people
working in pathology labs.

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(Laughter)

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Now, if you can trigger
the Lazarus reflex in a dead person,

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why not the orgasm reflex?

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I asked this question
to a brain death expert,

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Stephanie Mann, who was foolish enough
to return my emails.

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(Laughter)

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I said, "So, could you conceivably
trigger an orgasm in a dead person?"

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She said, "Yes, if the sacral nerve
is being oxygenated,

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you conceivably could."

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Obviously it wouldn't be
as much fun for the person.

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But it would be an orgasm --

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(Laughter)

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nonetheless.

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There is a researcher
at the University of Alabama

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who does orgasm research.

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I said to her,
"You should do an experiment.

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You know? You can get cadavers
if you work at a university."

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I said, "You should actually do this."

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She said, "You get the human subjects
review board approval for this one."

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(Laughter)

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According to 1930s marriage manual author,

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Theodoor van De Velde,

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a slight seminal odor can be detected
on the breath of a woman

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within about an hour
after sexual intercourse.

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Theodoor van De Velde was something
of a semen connoisseur.

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(Laughter)

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This is a guy writing a book,
"Ideal Marriage," you know.

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Very heavy hetero guy.

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But he wrote in this book,
"Ideal Marriage" --

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he said that he could differentiate
between the semen of a young man,

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which he said had a fresh,
exhilarating smell,

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and the semen of mature men,
whose semen smelled, quote,

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"Remarkably like that of the flowers
of the Spanish chestnut.

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Sometimes quite freshly floral,

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and then again sometimes
extremely pungent."

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(Laughter)

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Okay. In 1999, in the state of Israel,
a man began hiccupping.

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And this was one of those cases
that went on and on.

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He tried everything his friends suggested.

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Nothing seemed to help.

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Days went by.

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At a certain point, the man,
still hiccupping, had sex with his wife.

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And lo and behold, the hiccups went away.

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He told his doctor,
who published a case report

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in a Canadian medical journal
under the title,

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"Sexual Intercourse as a Potential
Treatment for Intractable Hiccups."

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I love this article because
at a certain point they suggested

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that unattached hiccuppers
could try masturbation.

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(Laughter)

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I love that because there is like a whole
demographic: unattached hiccuppers.

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(Laughter)

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Married, single, unattached hiccupper.

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In the 1900s, early 1900s,

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a lot of gynecologists believed
that when a woman has an orgasm,

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the contractions serve to suck
the semen up through the cervix

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and sort of deliver it
really quickly to the egg,

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thereby upping the odds of conception.

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It was called the "upsuck" theory.

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(Laughter)

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If you go all the way back to Hippocrates,

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physicians believed that orgasm in women

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was not just helpful
for conception, but necessary.

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Doctors back then
were routinely telling men

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the importance of pleasuring their wives.

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Marriage-manual author and semen-sniffer
Theodoor van De Velde --

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(Laughter)

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has a line in his book.

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I loved this guy.

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I got a lot of mileage
out of Theodoor van De Velde.

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He had this line in his book

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that supposedly comes
from the Habsburg Monarchy,

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where there was an empress Maria Theresa,

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who was having trouble conceiving.

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And apparently the royal
court physician said to her,

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"I am of the opinion that the vulva
of your most sacred majesty

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be titillated for some time
prior to intercourse."

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(Laughter)

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It's apparently, I don't know,
on the record somewhere.

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Masters and Johnson:

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now we're moving forward to the 1950s.

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Masters and Johnson were upsuck skeptics,

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which is also really fun to say.

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They didn't buy it.

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And they decided,
being Masters and Johnson,

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that they would get to the bottom of it.

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They brought women into the lab
-- I think it was five women --

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and outfitted them with cervical caps
containing artificial semen.

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And in the artificial semen
was a radio-opaque substance,

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such that it would show up on an X-ray.

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This is the 1950s.

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Anyway, these women
sat in front of an X-ray device.

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And they masturbated.

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And Masters and Johnson looked to see
if the semen was being sucked up.

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Did not find any evidence of upsuck.

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You may be wondering,
"How do you make artificial semen?"

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(Laughter)

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I have an answer for you.
I have two answers.

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You can use flour and water,
or cornstarch and water.

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I actually found three
separate recipes in the literature.

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(Laughter)

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My favorite being the one that says --

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you know, they have
the ingredients listed,

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and then in a recipe
it will say, for example,

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"Yield: two dozen cupcakes."

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This one said, "Yield: one ejaculate."

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(Laughter)

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There's another way that orgasm
might boost fertility.

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This one involves men.

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Sperm that sit around in the body
for a week or more

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start to develop abnormalities

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that make them less effective
at head-banging their way into the egg.

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British sexologist Roy Levin
has speculated

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that this is perhaps why men

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evolved to be such enthusiastic
and frequent masturbators.

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He said, "If I keep tossing myself off
I get fresh sperm being made."

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Which I thought
was an interesting idea, theory.

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So now you have an evolutionary excuse.

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(Laughter)

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Okay.

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(Laughter)

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All righty. There is considerable evidence
for upsuck in the animal kingdom --

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pigs, for instance.

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In Denmark, the Danish National Committee
for Pig Production

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found out that if you
sexually stimulate a sow

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while you artificially inseminate her,

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you will see a six-percent increase
in the farrowing rate,

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which is the number of piglets produced.

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So they came up with this five-point
stimulation plan for the sows.

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There is posters they put in the barn,
and they have a DVD.

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And I got a copy of this DVD.

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(Laughter)

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This is my unveiling,
because I am going to show you a clip.

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(Laughter)

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So, okay.

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Now, here we go, la la la, off to work.

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It all looks very innocent.

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He's going to be doing things
with his hands

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that the boar would use
his snout, lacking hands. Okay.

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(Laughter)

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This is it.

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The boar has a very odd
courtship repertoire.

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(Laughter)

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This is to mimic the weight of the boar.

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(Laughter)

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You should know, the clitoris
of the pig is inside the vagina.

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So this may be
sort of titillating for her.

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Here we go.

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(Laughter)

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And the happy result.

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(Applause)

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I love this video.

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There is a point in this video,
towards the beginning,

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where they zoom in for a close up
of his hand with his wedding ring,

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00:12:13,886 --> 00:12:15,983
as if to say,
"It's okay, it's just his job.

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He really does like women."

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(Laughter)

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Okay. When I was in Denmark,
my host was named Anne Marie.

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And I said, "So why don't you just
stimulate the clitoris of the pig?

244
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,976
Why don't you have the farmers do that?

245
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,976
That's not one of your five steps."

246
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,023
I have to read you
what she said, because I love it.

247
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,476
She said, "It was a big hurdle

248
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,976
just to get farmers to touch
underneath the vulva.

249
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,976
So we thought, let's not mention
the clitoris right now."

250
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,976
(Laughter)

251
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,429
Shy but ambitious pig farmers, however,
can purchase a -- this is true --

252
00:12:52,453 --> 00:12:53,976
a sow vibrator,

253
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,339
that hangs on the sperm
feeder tube to vibrate.

254
00:12:56,363 --> 00:13:00,976
Because, as I mentioned,
the clitoris is inside the vagina.

255
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,976
So possibly, you know,
a little more arousing than it looks.

256
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,976
And I also said to her,

257
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,477
"Now, these sows. I mean,
you may have noticed there.

258
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:11,076
The sow doesn't look to be
in the throes of ecstasy."

259
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,243
And she said, you can't make
that conclusion,

260
00:13:13,267 --> 00:13:17,187
because animals don't register
pain or pleasure

261
00:13:17,211 --> 00:13:19,258
on their faces in the same way that we do.

262
00:13:19,282 --> 00:13:21,976
Pigs, for example, are more like dogs.

263
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,096
They use the upper half of the face;
the ears are very expressive.

264
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,976
So you're not really sure
what's going on with the pig.

265
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,532
Primates, on the other hand,
we use our mouths more.

266
00:13:32,488 --> 00:13:35,976
This is the ejaculation face
of the stump-tailed macaque.

267
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,976
(Laughter)

268
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,976
And, interestingly, this has been
observed in female macaques,

269
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,976
but only when mounting another female.

270
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,976
(Laughter)

271
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,263
Masters and Johnson.

272
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:53,474
In the 1950s, they decided,
okay, we're going to figure out

273
00:13:53,498 --> 00:13:55,976
the entire human sexual response cycle,

274
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,976
from arousal, all the way through orgasm,
in men and women --

275
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,000
everything that happens in the human body.

276
00:14:01,024 --> 00:14:03,976
Okay, with women,
a lot of this is happening inside.

277
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,976
This did not stop Masters and Johnson.

278
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:10,976
They developed an artificial
coition machine.

279
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,976
This is basically
a penis camera on a motor.

280
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,976
There is a phallus,

281
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,976
clear acrylic phallus,
with a camera and a light source,

282
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,976
attached to a motor
that is kind of going like this.

283
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,976
And the woman would have sex with it.

284
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,000
That is what they would do.
Pretty amazing.

285
00:14:27,024 --> 00:14:28,976
Sadly, this device has been dismantled.

286
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,524
This just kills me,
not because I wanted to use it --

287
00:14:31,548 --> 00:14:33,976
I wanted to see it.

288
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,976
(Laughter)

289
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,976
One fine day,

290
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,882
Alfred Kinsey decided to calculate

291
00:14:43,906 --> 00:14:47,032
the average distance
traveled by ejaculated semen.

292
00:14:48,501 --> 00:14:49,976
This was not idle curiosity.

293
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,976
Doctor Kinsey had heard --

294
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,476
and there was a theory going around
at the time, this being the 1940s --

295
00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:00,976
that the force with which
semen is thrown against the cervix

296
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,976
was a factor in fertility.

297
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,976
Kinsey thought it was bunk,
so he got to work.

298
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,976
He got together in his lab

299
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,976
300 men, a measuring tape,
and a movie camera.

300
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,976
(Laughter)

301
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:21,976
And in fact, he found
that in three quarters of the men

302
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,976
the stuff just kind of slopped out.

303
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,976
It wasn't spurted or thrown
or ejected under great force.

304
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,976
However, the record holder

305
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,858
landed just shy of the eight-foot mark,
which is impressive.

306
00:15:34,882 --> 00:15:35,976
(Laughter)

307
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,077
(Applause)

308
00:15:37,101 --> 00:15:38,976
Yes. Exactly.

309
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,077
(Laughter)

310
00:15:40,101 --> 00:15:42,976
Sadly, he's anonymous.
His name is not mentioned.

311
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,944
(Laughter)

312
00:15:45,968 --> 00:15:49,239
In his write-up
of this experiment in his book,

313
00:15:49,263 --> 00:15:51,976
Kinsey wrote,

314
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,976
"Two sheets were laid down to protect
the oriental carpets."

315
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,976
(Laughter)

316
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,976
Which is my second favorite line
in the entire oeuvre of Alfred Kinsey.

317
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,976
My favorite being, "Cheese crumbs
spread before a pair of copulating rats

318
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,341
will distract the female,
but not the male."

319
00:16:09,365 --> 00:16:10,976
(Laughter)

320
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,976
Thank you very much.

321
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,976
(Applause)

322
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,000
Thanks!