WEBVTT

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John Wetzel: Hope is such
an important commodity in here,

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but I think there's another
commodity in here

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that we as a society -

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and maybe we as a department
and maybe we as all of us people -

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don't do real well,

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and that's the notion of forgiveness.

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I think somebody earlier talked about
judging somebody from their worst day.

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And we're really good
at that front end of the piece,

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but that back end of the piece -

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forgiveness -

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we're not so good at.

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So to talk about that, it's my honor
to introduce Heather Lavelle.

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(Applause) (Cheers)

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Heather Lavelle: Nine years ago,

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as a result of depression,
alcoholism, and drug addiction,

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I killed a good friend of mine.

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This isn't somebody whose name
I didn't know before that night.

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This was somebody
I knew well, who I loved.

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I knew his hopes
and his dreams for the future.

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I knew he loved me.

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That's why this is so difficult.


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How do you come back from this
after committing such a horrible crime?

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This is a story about the serendipity
of events that led me on a journey

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of self-discovery
and, ultimately, self-forgiveness.

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At one point in my life,
I was successful in business.

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I had graduated from college.

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I came from a loving family,
had supportive friends.

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It all looked good from the outside,
but there were chinks in the armor.

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And when things started
going wrong in my life,

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I started to sink into a depression.

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I hid it from everybody
and started drinking heavily,

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which made me more depressed.

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I felt like I was living a double-life.

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There was the me that my family saw,
who didn't drink in front of them

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and was successful, happy,
kept up a good appearance.

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Then there was the me who was
full of anger and bitterness

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and drank until I passed out every night.

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My increasing level of depravity
was fueled by drugs and alcohol.

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I started letting the important
things in my life slip,

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and I couldn't hold it together anymore.

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Those two worlds
started crashing together,

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and there was nothing
I could do to stop it.

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I started using cocaine,
then smoking crack.

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Once I was smoking crack,
nothing else mattered.

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My world became very small, dark.


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My life no longer mattered to me,
and neither did anybody else's.

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All I'd ever known was using drugs
and alcohol as a protective barrier

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to insulate me from my emotions
and shut down my feelings.

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After my arrest, that protection was gone,

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and I was left to face
the reality of what I'd done.

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I hated myself.

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Coming back seemed impossible
after becoming so evil.

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I felt dead inside, like my soul was gone.

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Once you're dead, where does
the spark of life come from?

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At this, the lowest point in my life,

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God made his presence known
to me in a powerful way.

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Without his intervention,


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I may not have ever been able to move on
from that bleak point in my life.

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I learned that the district attorney

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was going to seek
the death penalty in my case.

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That sparked something inside of me.

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For the first time in many years,
I wanted to live.

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It was really just an angry reaction.

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How dare you think you can tell me
when I'm going to die?

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Whatever the reason,
my life started to matter to me.

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Not knowing if anyone would ever
want to speak to me again,

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I gathered the courage to call my mother.

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Before I could say anything,

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Mom said,

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"Heather, you're
my daughter and I love you.

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I don't know what happened,

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but you're my daughter
and I will always love you."

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I'll never forget that conversation
for as long as I live.

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It did something to me;
it opened my heart.

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When I called my father, he said,

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"All you can do now is redeem your life."

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Those words stuck with me.

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This idea that my family had forgiven me
and that God had forgiven me

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began to allow me to move on.

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It blew my mind that people
were willing to forgive me

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for something
that I considered unforgivable.

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I started to believe that maybe
there was hope for me.

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Over the next few years,
people were placed in my life

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for reasons that I couldn't
understand at the time.

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A lot of friends helped me along
the way: some new, some old.

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New friends like Ginger would listen
to me cry in those early days

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when I couldn't imagine
telling anyone what I'd done.

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Ginger was such a beautiful woman,


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and I can remember telling her
that she was so good

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and I didn't want to contaminate her
with the ugliness that was inside of me,

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like a black ooze coating my insides.

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Then there were old friends like Myrna,
who I'd known from A.A. many years ago.

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Myrna heard about my arrest
and she contacted me.

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And before she passed away,
she worked the steps with me.

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And she made sure
that I was going to be okay,

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by connecting me
with other members of A.A.

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My friends were helping me
to come to terms with who I was,

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my addiction, my childhood,
all the other issues in my life.

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But I was allowing a wall of denial
to build up around my crime

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and why I was in prison.

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It was easy to allow people to think
it was all my co-defendants' fault.

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I didn't correct people when they
made that assumption.

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It wasn't until I participated
in a violence prevention group,

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that that wall of denial
started to crumble.

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That group made me confront
the reality of who I am and what I'd done.

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I would say, "I'm not a violent person."

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And they would say,
"But you committed a violent crime."

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I began meeting with
a psychologist, regularly.

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At first, I couldn't even
say my victim's name,

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but I knew I had to face what I'd done.


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It was time to come to terms with my past.

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Somewhere along the way,
I made the decision

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to do the hard work necessary
to come to terms with my past

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even though it was one of the most
difficult things I'd ever done.

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I stopped brushing aside
the psychologist's suggestions,

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and I began actually doing the work.

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I did the work of facing
my guilt and shame.

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I talked about how I got
to that point in my life.

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I talked about how I could assure myself

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that I would never
arrive at that point again.

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I journaled about my feelings
and things I wanted to say to my victim.

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I talked about the events of that night


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and of the preceding days
in excruciating detail.

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I had to experience that night
from my victim's perspective.

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It was gut-wrenching work,
but necessary for my survival.

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The pain and anguish were killing me.


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I had to come to a place of acceptance.

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I could no longer pretend

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that the part of me that committed
this horrible, violent act

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didn't exist.

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After years of not feeling worthy
to address my victim's family,

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I wrote them a letter. 


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Mailing that letter
freed something in me.

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It allowed me to start sharing
about my experience.

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When women come to me
with their guilt, shame, and remorse,

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I can tell them about how much
writing that letter helped me

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and encourage them to start
doing the work necessary

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to put themselves in a position
to write a similar letter.

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I would never have been able to write
such an honest, introspective letter,

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had I not done all the work
that led up to it.

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I met a man who had forgiven
his son's killer.

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I was amazed that anyone could have
such a capacity for forgiveness.

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Meeting him has allowed me

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to express my thoughts
and my feelings about my crime.

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He symbolizes my victim's family,
who I may never get the chance to meet.

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I've been able to talk
about what I did, why I did it,

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how it made me feel then,
and how it makes me feel now.

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He told me that it's okay
to ask for forgiveness.

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He also told me that I live my life
as if I've forgiven myself.

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He's right.

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I no longer hold back
out of guilt and shame.

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I care about the people in my life.

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My physical, mental, and spiritual
health are valuable to me.

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Life is precious.

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I'm engaged in life, and I live
with intention and deliberateness.

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I have hope for the future.

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I'm not the same person I used to be.

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Forgiving myself
doesn't mean that I forget.

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I could never forget.

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What I did is a part of me,
but I can move on.

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I don't have to remain stuck
for the rest of my life.

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I believe that something
more than luck or fate

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has placed all these people in my life.


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They're all woven into my journey
of self-discovery and forgiveness.

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Each of them, placed in my life
at the exact time I needed them,

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has offered support, guidance,
compassion, strength, wisdom,

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and forgiveness in their own way.

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All of them are like threads
woven into the tapestry of my life.

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Each thread woven at the right time
and in the right place

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to form a unique and beautiful design.

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You can come back from such
an unimaginable low point.

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I'm living proof.

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Ladies and gentlemen,
don't ever give up on yourself,

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no matter how broken you are.

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Create your own path
of healing and redemption.

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May God bless you.

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I am Heather Lavelle.

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(Applause) (Cheers)