Well, howdy! I’m Cletus!
Welcome to Heaven!
Guess you did something good to get here, and good
people deserve to give loved ones special blessings!
Doesn't it make you want to cry
When your loved one has to die?
Does it hurt you through and through
When their face is turning blue?
Well luckily for you…
There’s something we can do…
We can help keep them alive…
You so can watch them thrive!
‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.
We’ll save your honey bun from dying violently
‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.
No we never even ask a fee
Because good people spread the love
And we’re here for all above
We do the paperwork for you
And the heavy lifting, too
So sit right back and let us bless a soul, for you!
Oh we are the C.H.E.R.U.B-
Nice one, B!
Give me another, Mox!
Nah, I’m not feeling it. Next!
Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!
I say! I say! Are you
looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?
Well call me at Wacky Wally Wallford’s Wacky Idea Factory!
Where you can make the things and I make the money!
Please, I’m very desperate!
Bingo!
Woo! You’re on a roll, sir!
Guys, do you feel that?
Oh shit, is that a hell-shake?
That’s possible?
Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!
I’m not “panicking,” because hell-quakes don’t happen
Stop getting hysterical, fatty!
Do not be afraid
And please tell me you got that insurance thing
Who are you and what do you want?
I’m Loopty Goopty!
Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!
Could’ve just used the door, dude
Doesn’t need to be this whole thing
I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit
Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world
Did you just die?
Yes! Moments ago, in fact!
Which just brought me here!
Just saying: the front door would’ve gotten you here fine
Shut up, dear furry
This is the man I’m gonna need you to kill
Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and he’s already plotting revenge?
I can respect a man with that sort of passion!
I’m Blitzo, the “O” is silent
What “O”?
Oh thank you
Now what’s the tea-sis?
The tea?
Guys, help!
Yeah: why’re we killing this guy? I mean what did he do to you?
He was…my business partner!
You see, I was not always an old man
My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!
Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop or reverse the aging process!
It could’ve saved all three trillionaires!
Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor like we usually do
We were too sure of our own genius
But the machine was accidentally set forward
By the time we managed to get out, it was too late
At least, for me
Now that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire we built together
Without me to share it with him, he’ll make all the god damn money in the world
and become the fourth trillionaire and get all the credit!
Yeah, that’s not really evil
It’s evil towards me!
Everything…is going…down
Now get your crimson asses up above
and send that thoughtless no-good son of a bitch to Hell where he belongs!
You do know, Poopty…
Loopty!
Of course, of course
If we do kill him though and he ends up down here, you know,
you’ll be stuck with him. Forever
Oh trust me! I’m counting on it!
That’s kinda hot
Gee, I wonder whose house this is?
And to your right is the home of famous inventor Lyle Lipton
Let’s do it, gang
Let’s kill this rich guy!
And here you’ll find
three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder!
Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!
Wow, that machine really did a number on him
Goodbye, my one true love
All the riches of the world can’t fill the emptiness I’m feeling now
that my shitty old body can’t do anything of value
Oh fantastic!
He’s going to do our job for us
Should we go in there and tie it for him?
Oh lord, I’m being haunted by ugly orphan children now!
Who the fuck are they?!
Oh no! Sir those are…
Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!
I hate filthy stinking orphan children!
We’re here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir
To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those in Heaven
benefited by your amazing technological advances
Oh hell no!
Don’t forget…
Lyle Lipton, it is our -
- humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die
I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you’re old…and gross?
Is that a serious question?
He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world
And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled
No!
He could pay for new hospitals and schools
Why won’t you let me die?
Oh, sounds like you need help offing yourself, buddy
Moxxie, what have we got for this fella?
I have some assault weapons, crossbow, honey bow, tommy gun
old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas…
He’s classier than that!
There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle
Yeah, right. Smells like he ain’t been out of bed in months
Love can be beautiful at any age
And we’ll show him! Yeees!
No!
Look around, Lyle
God’s gift of nature
is a wonder to behold
Regardless of age...or will
If you were to end your life, you’d be missing all of this
You’re gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?
That is so inappropriate!
Oh kiss our ass, prude!
Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius
Nature is no picnic up close
Oh no!
S-stop looking!
I can’t stop!
I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now!
Let’s go check out someplace else!
Oh lord, where are we now?
Let me perish!
We’re here to show you another thing life is worth living for
Childhood of wonderment
Why, look at those sweet disease-ridden vermin
Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood
and their middle-class existence
Such simple joy they have
It is inspiring
Thank you for showing me this
Hey dipshit!
Wanna see whose lap you’re sitting on?!
Wooh
This place reeks of teenagers.
Lover’s Lookout, sir!
We’re here to remind you about possibly life’s greatest joy of all
Money
No. Love!
I’ve never been in love before
I imagine it’s quite nice
It’s not too late sir! You can still find…
Ah, nice try, ugly
Hey horny lovers! Which one of you would fuck this old man?
You know you three are so utterly…c-cruel
We’re just trying to give hope to someone in need
Oh and you three are so superior to us just because
we want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian
capitalist to kneel over dead
You’re making things too real now, Moxxie
Behold, the wonder of art and music!
Something always there to comfort, entertain and live for
So, how do we make this bad?
We can’t. There’s literally nothing bad about opera. And that's fact
Unless we ruin it somehow
She's not very good
Oh, at least we made it bad
That’s it! I’ve had it!
You three monsters have messed with us enough!
We are just trying to do our job!
Well so are we!
Enough!
We are saving that shitty old man’s life
whether he wants it or not!
Well someone wants that fucker dead, okay?
And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this…
…so he’s gotta go!
You all are such disgusting loathsome beasts!
Your kind is nothing but dirt
that shitty dead people tread on!
And now you’re trying to meddle with the lives of humans?!
So are you!
So why don’t you shut your trap,
you judgmental, cotton candy, tit-Heaven bitch?!
Filthy demon crap!
It’s all starting to make sense now
Life is worth living because we only get one
We must cherish it
If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life
then suddenly it’s worth living
Killing myself is not the answer
Plus, I’m still rich!
I can just buy all the things
I no longer crave death!
Ah! You fucker!
Well, well. Would you look at that?
You did our job for us
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my god!
Get a hold of yourself, Collin!
And do not use the Lord’s name in vain!
This isn’t over!
What the?!
Yeah, no sorry Cletus but
I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human
I’m afraid you can’t renter Heaven. Yeah, no
What?!
Yeah, um, sorry. Yeah, no
Is there anything we can do?
Yeah, no! Oh no, no no
Oh no
But we didn’t mean to!
We never! It was all…
all…
Anyway, sorry guys
But those are the rules, yeah! Bye!
Wait!
Well, the old man wanted to live again
and we didn’t kill him, so we failed
Thanks to those fucking cherubs
he’s probably up in Heaven now, so...
...it’s a shame
All our client wanted
was eternal revenge on his business partner
and now the two are forever separated
and now we gotta face the fire of fucking up
Sir, when are you going to tell the client?
Oh, I already sent him a text and we’re in good hands, because texts don’t make people angry
Blitz!
Loofa! We can explain everything. I was…
Lyle Lipton?!
I don’t understand. We thought you went to Heaven
Heaven? You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by
not experimenting on the poor!
Oh, you no good heartless son of a bitch!
Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!
The only question now is:
what do two old genius robotic inventors do, now that we’re in Hell?
Did someone say, I say, inventors?
Name’s Wally Wackford
and I am looking for creative new people to exploit
…I mean employ
Everyone, stop fucking up my walls!
Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit
Oh chill out, Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder, you’ll go right inside me
Satan’s balls, first we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?
I guess...
you can say, you say,
you have a holy operation here, Blitzo!
Get out
I say, oh oh oh
No, I’m serious, get the fuck out!