[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.51,0:00:19.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You may have noticed by now
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.62,0:00:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'm really fat.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.71,0:00:22.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's okay;
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.74,0:00:24.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you wouldn't be the first.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.58,0:00:27.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Back in 1997, when I was in seventh grade,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.26,0:00:31.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I heard a question posed about me\Nin the locker room of my middle school.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.44,0:00:34.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sat hidden in a bathroom stall,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.52,0:00:37.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hunched over, not wanting\Nto give myself away,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.23,0:00:39.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I heard a girl ask,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.14,0:00:42.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"When was the last time\NWhitney saw 90210?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.68,0:00:46.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like more of\Na Saved by the Bell girl myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.21,0:00:49.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd actually never seen\Nan episode of 90210.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.81,0:00:51.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I clenched my muscles and held my pee
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.72,0:00:54.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and waited with bated breath\Nfor the answer.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.19,0:00:55.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when it came -
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.87,0:00:58.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"When she stepped on the scale" -
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.23,0:00:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the girls erupted into laughter,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.92,0:01:05.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I felt the familiar sting\Nof embarrassment seeping into my cheeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.26,0:01:09.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took me back to my fifth-grade year,\Non the soccer field,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.07,0:01:12.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where the boys had taken to singing\Na song about me called "Baby Beluga"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.45,0:01:15.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that ended with\N"She's got a whale of a tail."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.13,0:01:20.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You might be picturing now\Nhow fat I probably was.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.84,0:01:22.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy to conjure up a mental image
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.96,0:01:25.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of an awkward girl\Nspilling out of her shorts,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.38,0:01:28.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,running up and down the sidelines\Nlike, "Hey, I'm open!"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.34,0:01:32.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you have that mental image,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.12,0:01:33.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you would be wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.36,0:01:38.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in 1995, when I was 10 years old,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.25,0:01:39.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I looked like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.22,0:01:42.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I look at that picture now,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.84,0:01:43.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my heart aches
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.85,0:01:47.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when I was just\Nbecoming aware that I had a body
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.46,0:01:50.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that other people\Nhad opinions about my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.99,0:01:53.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became a statistic
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.05,0:01:58.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like eight out of ten 10-year-olds\Nwho, today, are afraid of being fat.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.50,0:01:59.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,10-year-olds!
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.56,0:02:01.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a real statistic.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.83,0:02:06.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I bought the lie that diet culture\Nsold me when I was 10 years old
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.12,0:02:09.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that told me if I am thin,\Nthinner, thin enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.53,0:02:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I will be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.18,0:02:15.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at 10 years old,\NI felt the furthest thing from happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.99,0:02:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so the emotion that I most connected\Nwith my body was shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.10,0:02:23.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After that,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.51,0:02:25.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shame followed me like a shadow.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.66,0:02:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And after the 90210 incident,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.98,0:02:30.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew I had to take action.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.63,0:02:33.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I grabbed the handle\Nof my father's toothbrush
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.19,0:02:35.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and shoved it down my throat\Nuntil I vomited.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.91,0:02:39.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thus began my nearly lifelong battle\Nwith eating disorders.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.31,0:02:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I continued to excel in school,\Nto play sports, to dance.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.38,0:02:48.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shame and I won\Nlots of awards and trophies.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.17,0:02:52.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes, shame was like\Na really overbearing adult
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.49,0:02:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,begging for a piggyback ride.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.46,0:02:55.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And other times,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.57,0:02:58.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shame trailed a few feet behind me,\Ndragging its leash
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.58,0:03:01.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a faithful dog\Nnever leaving my sight.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.27,0:03:07.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By the time I was 18 years old, in 2002,\Nand becoming a young woman,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.48,0:03:12.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shame had solidified itself\Nas my most faithful friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.48,0:03:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It accompanied me\Nto every dance performance,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.78,0:03:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to every soccer tournament;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.07,0:03:18.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was even there in the bathroom\Nwith me at my prom
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.73,0:03:21.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I hunched over a toilet\Nand threw up my dinner
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.24,0:03:24.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just minutes before being\Ncrowned prom princess.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.84,0:03:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I moved to college that fall,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.91,0:03:30.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I brought shame along into my dorm room,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.57,0:03:33.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I noticed that my body was changing.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.40,0:03:35.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By the time I went home\Nfor Christmas break,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.45,0:03:37.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd gained 50 pounds.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.64,0:03:38.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm thinking, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.75,0:03:40.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Okay, I'm an overachiever,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.09,0:03:43.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so clearly the "freshman 15"\Nis just not enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.11,0:03:44.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.80,0:03:48.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was getting mysterious bruises\Nall over my body, and I was like,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.15,0:03:50.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why am I bumping\Ninto doorways and furniture?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.56,0:03:52.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When did I get so clumsy?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.09,0:03:55.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I realized I wasn't clumsy:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.93,0:03:57.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my body was expanding so quickly
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.88,0:04:01.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I had lost all\Nkinesthetic awareness of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.77,0:04:05.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My body literally didn't know\Nhow to fit in its physical space anymore,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.32,0:04:08.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and similarly, I didn't know\Nwhere I fit in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.44,0:04:13.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To say that my weight gain was difficult\Nwould be an understatement.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.54,0:04:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By the time the second\Nsemester was finished,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.08,0:04:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd gained nearly 100 pounds.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.58,0:04:21.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was the sympathy\Nfrom the pretty girls
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.63,0:04:24.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who asked me if I'd, like,\Never had a boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.46,0:04:26.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was that one frat boy
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.94,0:04:28.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who'd taken me\Non a dinner date in August -
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.94,0:04:32.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,granted, it was to Ruby Tuesday,\Nbut it was a dinner date.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.40,0:04:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when he saw me in March,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.03,0:04:38.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he looked right through me\Nlike I didn't even exist.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.78,0:04:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was like I'd been forced into\Nsome social experiment against my will,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.62,0:04:45.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to put on a fat suit\Nand parade about in public.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.19,0:04:47.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The differences in the way
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.43,0:04:52.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people treated "average Whitney"\Nand "fat Whitney" were striking.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.45,0:04:57.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Suddenly, I was assumed to be lazy,\Ndesperate, sloppy, stupid.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.94,0:05:01.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with every single pound that I gained,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.09,0:05:05.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my self-worth continued\Nto shrink further and further.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.16,0:05:08.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I became a different person after that.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.21,0:05:10.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quit my dance classes;
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.82,0:05:13.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I failed a lot of my academic classes;
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.25,0:05:17.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in a world where it felt like\Nbeing a fat woman was the biggest taboo,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.07,0:05:19.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't have anyone to talk to.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.79,0:05:22.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sure, there were times\Nwhere I pulled myself up by the bootstraps
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.84,0:05:24.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said, "I'm going to go to the gym
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.70,0:05:26.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or I'm going to venture\Nout to this party."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.74,0:05:29.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there was always a whisper,\Na dirty look, an insult
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.67,0:05:34.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to remind me why I didn't deserve\Nto be in those spaces.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.57,0:05:37.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I would come back home to my apartment
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.02,0:05:39.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the only friend\Nthat had never deserted me:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.95,0:05:41.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.81,0:05:44.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We would stay up late\Ninto the night commiserating,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.19,0:05:45.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,getting drunk to numb our pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.98,0:05:48.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd order takeout for us both
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.26,0:05:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and do anything to avoid going out\Nin a world that didn't want me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.08,0:05:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And of course, all the things\Nthat I had done to cope
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.04,0:05:58.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only compounded the problem,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.75,0:06:00.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I continued gaining weight.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.84,0:06:04.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In 2005, I weighed 280 pounds.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.86,0:06:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my nurse practitioner\Nswiveled her stool
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.96,0:06:08.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from in between my legs in the stirrups,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.87,0:06:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,checking her chart
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.07,0:06:12.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and announcing a little too cheerfully
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.88,0:06:15.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she thought I had PCOS.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.88,0:06:16.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.88,0:06:18.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mind started reeling
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.39,0:06:20.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I did not remember\Nlearning about this STD
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.72,0:06:22.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my seventh-grade sex ed class.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.39,0:06:23.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.43,0:06:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the more I learned
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.60,0:06:28.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I pored over the brochures\Nand the pamphlets -
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.40,0:06:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,PCOS wasn't an STD.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.95,0:06:31.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a syndrome,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.95,0:06:33.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a grouping of symptoms with no cure
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.66,0:06:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that affects one out of every ten\Nwomen in America
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.60,0:06:39.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and is the leading cause of infertility.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.57,0:06:43.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, like putting together a puzzle,\Nother stuff started to make sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.63,0:06:46.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The handfuls of hair\Nthat had come out in the shower,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.12,0:06:49.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the coarse dark hairs all over my face,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.05,0:06:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my period that had visited me only twice\Nwhen I was 15 and never again,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.04,0:06:55.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, of course,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.04,0:06:58.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my sudden and severe weight gain\Nin my freshman year of college.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.52,0:07:02.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't have an explanation for it then,\Nbut I had an explanation for it now:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.28,0:07:04.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was insulin resistant.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.62,0:07:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So would life with PCOS\Nmake it impossible to lose weight?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.85,0:07:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely not.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.46,0:07:12.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would it be even harder?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.44,0:07:14.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.59,0:07:16.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And for a woman who wanted\Nanything but to be fat,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.99,0:07:19.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this felt like a death sentence.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.47,0:07:21.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I got pissed off.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.96,0:07:22.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wondered,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.96,0:07:25.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why have I never heard of this thing?"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.38,0:07:26.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to know
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.38,0:07:29.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why I'd always been dismissed\Nwhen I went to the doctors,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.05,0:07:33.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,told that I was "young and irregular"\Nor I was drinking or I was on Prozac.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.48,0:07:35.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But out of all those emotions that I felt,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.67,0:07:39.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one I felt the most of was shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.27,0:07:41.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So after college,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.61,0:07:43.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I packed two suitcases -
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.72,0:07:45.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my clothes and shame -
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.94,0:07:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I set off for Korea to teach English.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.86,0:07:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got promotion after promotion,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.88,0:07:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I traveled the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.90,0:07:57.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shame and I made it all the way\Nto the top of the Great Wall of China;
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.36,0:07:59.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we ate sushi together in Tokyo;
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.42,0:08:02.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we vacationed in Malaysia and Vietnam;
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.46,0:08:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we even sunbathed in Bali.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.22,0:08:08.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But all of these experiences\Nthat should have been so wonderful
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.17,0:08:11.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were tinged with that\Ndisgusting, insidious shame
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.19,0:08:14.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sucked the life and the color\Nout of my memories
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.30,0:08:17.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and left me nothing but black and white
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.19,0:08:21.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a never-ending wish to be thin\Nso that I could really start my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.100,0:08:24.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, living abroad wasn't all bad -
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.67,0:08:27.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had some of the best experiences there.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.06,0:08:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the discrimination I faced
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.60,0:08:32.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was so much more overt\Nthan anything I'd had at home.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.43,0:08:35.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got laughed at, pointed at,\Nand called a pig every single day
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.61,0:08:38.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the street, in the store,\Nin the nightclub.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.54,0:08:40.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll never forget when I got in a taxi
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.35,0:08:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the driver snorted\Nat me for every mile
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.42,0:08:44.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until we reached our destination.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.79,0:08:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was the guy that swerved his bicycle\Ndangerously close to me on the street,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.86,0:08:50.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stopped pedaling,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.20,0:08:51.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looked at me, said "pig,"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.100,0:08:53.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then spit.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.36,0:08:56.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I chased him,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.37,0:08:58.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was a futile effort\Nbecause he was on a bike,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.90,0:09:02.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I hurled every Korean insult\Nthat I could remember
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.39,0:09:05.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until I saw him vanish in the dark.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.11,0:09:08.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I headed back\Nto my apartment to cry.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.58,0:09:12.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it wasn't until ...
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.92,0:09:14.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was assaulted in a bar -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.57,0:09:16.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a man raced up behind me
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.56,0:09:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to start punching me\Nin the back of the head -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.10,0:09:20.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I realized,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.56,0:09:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hold up.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.94,0:09:25.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't deserve this."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.31,0:09:28.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took such an aggressive, abusive action
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.64,0:09:32.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to jolt me into the realization\Nthat I was a fat human,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.78,0:09:34.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I was human.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.02,0:09:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I told myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.60,0:09:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm going to go back home to the States,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.56,0:09:41.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to prevent this\Nfrom ever happening to me again.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.86,0:09:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to lose weight."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.58,0:09:48.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I moved back home in 2011.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.01,0:09:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In 2011,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.90,0:09:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I weighed 329 pounds.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.55,0:10:00.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I lost 100 pounds in eight months.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.92,0:10:04.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I worked out for 12\Nto 15 hours every week;
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.30,0:10:05.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I counted my calories;
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.67,0:10:06.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I obsessed;
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.90,0:10:09.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I hid my shame\Nfrom my personal trainer
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.69,0:10:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and from my family and from my friends,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.92,0:10:13.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even from strangers who said,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.100,0:10:15.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You're remarkable.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.85,0:10:18.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the hardest thing\Nthat anybody could ever do,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.46,0:10:19.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and look at you doing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.87,0:10:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've never been more proud of you\Nsince the day you were born!"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.28,0:10:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pretty soon, I was eating\N500 to 1,000 calories a day,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.52,0:10:35.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was throwing up everything\NI ate on Friday, which was my "cheat day,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.57,0:10:39.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my eating disorder\Nhad returned in full force.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.23,0:10:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One day, I walked out of the gym,\Nhaving run a few miles on the treadmill,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.70,0:10:47.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a car drove by slowly\Nand lowered the windows,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.13,0:10:48.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they yelled at me,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.42,0:10:50.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Fat ass!"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.22,0:10:55.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I climbed into my own car,\Ndripping with sweat,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.39,0:10:58.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what happened next was nothing\Nshort of a nervous breakdown.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.32,0:11:00.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had literally been working my ass off
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.17,0:11:03.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do the one thing\Nthat everybody told me would fix it,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.26,0:11:06.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one thing that everybody told me\Nwould make me worthy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.94,0:11:08.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that guy in\Nthe parking lot didn't care;
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.99,0:11:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he didn't know who, why, where I was\Nor what I had done to change.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.76,0:11:15.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I fantasized about losing\Nthe rest of my hundred pounds
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.67,0:11:17.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and thinking about my goal weight.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.29,0:11:20.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then all I could see\Nwere sagging breasts and loose skin
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.74,0:11:23.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and crow's feet around my eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.34,0:11:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I knew, intellectually,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.62,0:11:28.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that as long as I let my self-worth\Nbe determined in the eyes of others,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.93,0:11:31.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would never be content.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.17,0:11:36.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I could not disengage from the belief\Nthat I had to be thin to be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.76,0:11:41.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so in that moment,\Nall of my hope was extinguished.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.96,0:11:45.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had grown tired of the calorie counting,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.27,0:11:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the weight loss,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.54,0:11:50.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the obsession with everything\Nfood and exercise.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.43,0:11:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted something more to live for.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.95,0:11:55.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, naturally, I got a job in radio
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.99,0:11:59.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I had to wake up at four\Nin the morning every day for minimum wage.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.56,0:12:00.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.64,0:12:03.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And like the vast majority of people
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.99,0:12:06.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who lose a substantial amount\Nof weight in their life,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.51,0:12:07.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I started to gain it back.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.75,0:12:11.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And within a year and a half,\NI was the heaviest I'd ever been.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.16,0:12:13.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was 350 pounds
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.47,0:12:16.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the deepest place\Nof depression I'd ever known.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.59,0:12:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't have any money\Nto pay my own rent,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.61,0:12:21.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I'd moved back in with my parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.38,0:12:25.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And on my 29th birthday,\NI found myself sobbing in my mother's lap,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.39,0:12:30.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,lamenting about the dismal direction\Nof both my professional and personal life.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.69,0:12:31.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I asked her,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.69,0:12:35.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Mom, how can anything ever change?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.80,0:12:38.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my mother produced a pendant,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.46,0:12:40.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and on it were the words
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.23,0:12:42.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Something good is going to happen."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.96,0:12:48.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in my misery, I was hyperfocused\Non one detail and one detail only:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.97,0:12:50.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.81,0:12:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I started to reevaluate my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.48,0:12:55.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought back to when I was\N10 years old and 90 pounds,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.60,0:12:57.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and now I'm almost 30 and over 300,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.73,0:12:59.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it hadn't mattered.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.49,0:13:00.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd never been happy;
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.66,0:13:02.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd never loved myself;
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.21,0:13:05.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd always carry the weight of shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.10,0:13:07.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I decided to try an experiment,\Nand I made a promise.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.73,0:13:11.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "Whitney, if there is something\Nthat you get asked to do
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.98,0:13:14.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and your only reason\Nfor declining is to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.44,0:13:16.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'because I'm fat,'
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.38,0:13:18.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you are going to do\Nthat thing anyway."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.96,0:13:21.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The universe was listening
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.68,0:13:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you'd better believe -
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.10,0:13:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,three days later,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.74,0:13:26.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got a message from a local photographer
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.70,0:13:30.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who told me she wanted to take\Nsome boudoir photographs of me for free.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.36,0:13:33.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote back to her immediately:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.88,0:13:39.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Sister, I would never in a million years\Ntake my clothes off in front of a camera.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.14,0:13:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when should I meet you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.96,0:13:42.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.66,0:13:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A bottle of wine\Nand a designated driver later,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.92,0:13:48.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.12,0:13:50.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got an unexpected result.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.89,0:13:53.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I looked at this picture,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.71,0:13:59.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the first time in my entire life,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.37,0:14:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't dissect every flaw,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.72,0:14:02.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't cringe,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.72,0:14:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in fact, I thought I was beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.54,0:14:09.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I decided to keep the experiment going.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.07,0:14:14.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My co-workers at the radio station\Nwere trying to ask me to do a dance video
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.25,0:14:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and call it "A Fat Girl Dancing"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.78,0:14:17.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put it on YouTube.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.01,0:14:19.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at first, my reaction\Nwas "absolutely not"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.88,0:14:22.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because no one has seen me\Ndance since I was 18 -
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.24,0:14:23.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fat girls don't get to do that -
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.98,0:14:26.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm still balking at the word "fat."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.00,0:14:28.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I had to ask myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.36,0:14:30.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Whitney, of anyone on the planet,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.60,0:14:33.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't you know that being fat
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.12,0:14:37.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,isn't synonymous with worthless,\Nlazy, stupid, undeserving?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.77,0:14:40.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasn't sure that I knew,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.16,0:14:41.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I wanted to find out if I did,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.92,0:14:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I said yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.77,0:14:48.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I posted this video onto the internet,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.61,0:14:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a few days later,\NI started getting a lot of phone calls.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.70,0:14:55.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they weren't normal calls
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.09,0:14:57.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like from my dad asking me\Nif I had toilet paper and stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.54,0:15:03.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was like Steve Harvey and CNN,\NGood Morning America, and the Today Show,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.46,0:15:06.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they all told me they wanted me\Nto come on their programs,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.60,0:15:08.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,talk about my dance video,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.16,0:15:09.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and explain this new lifestyle,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:09.89,0:15:13.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this new "body positive" lifestyle\Nthat I was leading.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.11,0:15:15.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I couldn't understand -
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.40,0:15:19.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like what is so special or subversive\Nabout a fat woman dancing?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.69,0:15:21.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I went on the shows,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:21.28,0:15:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I did my little dance.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.87,0:15:26.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the letters started coming in.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.24,0:15:29.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got an email from a boy,\Na teenage boy in Lebanon, and he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.88,0:15:32.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Whitney, it's illegal to be gay here,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.17,0:15:33.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm gay.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.76,0:15:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when I watch your videos,\NI feel like my life is going to be okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.02,0:15:40.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.44,0:15:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.44,0:15:44.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.03,0:15:48.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then after that, some more letters\Nstarted pouring in.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:48.55,0:15:52.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This one was from TLC, and they asked me\Nif I would consider doing a reality show.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:52.40,0:15:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mulled it over and thought about how\Nit could ruin my life and reputation
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.92,0:15:57.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all the ways it still might.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.24,0:16:01.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I thought\Nabout that boy in Lebanon,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.55,0:16:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for every other person
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.84,0:16:05.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who had never turned on a TV\Nand seen someone who looked like them,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.98,0:16:07.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who struggled like them,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:07.44,0:16:09.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I said yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.72,0:16:15.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't before long\Nthat even more letters started pouring in.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.86,0:16:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And many of them were from fat women,\Nbut just as many of them weren't.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.36,0:16:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was talking to little girls,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.90,0:16:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anorexic women,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.90,0:16:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people with different abilities,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.44,0:16:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,grandfathers that had always\Nhated their noses.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.48,0:16:31.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I realized, like,\Nit's not about the fact that I'm fat;
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.22,0:16:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's about the fact\Nthat I am living a shame-free life
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.83,0:16:37.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in spite of a society\Nthat tells me I don't deserve to.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.11,0:16:42.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have something that society\Ntells us we should feel shame about.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.72,0:16:44.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, it's visible
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.56,0:16:48.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a world where thinness\Nis championed above all else,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.23,0:16:50.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we tell women in no uncertain terms,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.46,0:16:53.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"If you are not young enough,\Nthin enough, and pretty enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.34,0:16:55.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're disposable"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.16,0:16:58.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Living in that world,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.51,0:17:03.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,deciding to love my body\Nhad become a radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.39,0:17:07.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And doing what I loved in that body\Nhad become powerful.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:07.88,0:17:11.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then came the inevitable\Nquestions from everybody:
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.30,0:17:13.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How is this doable?"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.69,0:17:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never used to know\Nhow to answer this question,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.98,0:17:19.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I didn't know\Nhow to tell someone to be like me.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.53,0:17:23.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now I think I know how to tell people\Nto be more like them.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.26,0:17:26.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We think that we have to magically\Nhave confidence before we do something,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.95,0:17:28.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this is backwards.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.57,0:17:32.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Confidence is a product of action,\Nnot the other way around.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.55,0:17:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I had to wait to have the confidence,\NI'd never get out of bed to do anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:37.72,0:17:39.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to do the hard stuff -
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.28,0:17:42.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my case, posing\Nhalf-naked and dancing -
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.37,0:17:44.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then the confidence came as a reward,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.96,0:17:47.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the confidence\Ncame as a building block.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.18,0:17:52.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But living authentically shame-free\Nis not sunshine and roses.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.36,0:17:54.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every day on the internet\Nand in my real life,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:54.50,0:17:57.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm told that I am disgusting, delusional,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.67,0:18:00.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and should hurry up and have\Nthat heart attack I'm bound to have
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.67,0:18:02.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so the world will be rid of me.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:03.33,0:18:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But living shame-free
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.62,0:18:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has also brought more joy into my life\Nthan I ever could believe existed.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.46,0:18:11.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It has connected me
Dialogue: 0,0:18:11.46,0:18:14.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with millions of people\NI'd have never met face-to-face
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.03,0:18:17.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and injected the color\Nand happiness back into my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.00,0:18:20.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I often think\Nof one of my favorite quotes
Dialogue: 0,0:18:20.47,0:18:22.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from my favorite feminist, Audre Lorde.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.55,0:18:26.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "I am deliberate\Nand afraid of nothing."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.96,0:18:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I think\Nback to this picture - 1989.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.72,0:18:33.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Five years old,\Nbefore my first dance recital,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.86,0:18:36.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this little girl was deliberate\Nand afraid of nothing,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.38,0:18:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,serving up all the face\Nand sass in the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:39.88,0:18:43.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,completely unapologetic about what\Nshe knew she was put on this earth to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.29,0:18:47.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think we get discouraged\Nbecause we've all been that little girl
Dialogue: 0,0:18:47.38,0:18:50.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then the world\Nbeats and breaks us down.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.25,0:18:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We think that being confident, being happy
Dialogue: 0,0:18:52.92,0:18:55.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,should be as easy as putting\Non a light switch, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:55.71,0:18:59.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just do it, just be happy,\Njust love yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:59.46,0:19:02.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it isn't that easy, and I know that.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:02.59,0:19:04.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not like a light switch.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:04.13,0:19:05.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Living authentically free of shame
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.84,0:19:10.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is more like stumbling toward\Na motion sensor light in the dark.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:11.09,0:19:15.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to advance forward\Nto a target that you can't see
Dialogue: 0,0:19:15.48,0:19:17.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but trust that you'll\Nultimately get there.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.60,0:19:18.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the universe is funny
Dialogue: 0,0:19:18.79,0:19:21.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the only thing\Nthat will turn that light on
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.17,0:19:24.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is your movement and your action.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:24.06,0:19:25.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you live this way -
Dialogue: 0,0:19:25.42,0:19:29.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you know that every time you're\Nstumbling and spinning and scrambling,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.47,0:19:31.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are actually doing the hard part,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:31.63,0:19:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are actually doing the work\Neven if you can't pinpoint your progress -
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.76,0:19:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you make a commitment\Nto live a shame-free life
Dialogue: 0,0:19:38.44,0:19:41.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and know that it's an undertaking\Nthat you have to do every single day,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:41.77,0:19:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,day in and day out,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:43.09,0:19:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you are deliberate\Nabout choosing that life -
Dialogue: 0,0:19:46.92,0:19:49.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will find yourself illuminated.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.79,0:19:51.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you're like me,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:51.47,0:19:54.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it'll probably be\Nwhen you least expect it.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:54.34,0:19:55.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:55.34,0:19:57.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)