WEBVTT 00:00:00.229 --> 00:00:05.460 Hi it's Emily from Bite Size Vegan and welcome to a very atypical vegan nugget. 00:00:05.460 --> 00:00:09.290 I’ve been debating whether or not to make this video for quite some time and kept pushing it back 00:00:09.290 --> 00:00:12.720 so that I could at least post one more solid educational video first. 00:00:13.040 --> 00:00:15.320 But I feel it’s come to a point where it’s necessary. 00:00:15.340 --> 00:00:18.680 I want to let you know a little bit about what’s been happening in my life, what will 00:00:18.689 --> 00:00:22.769 be happening with the channel and why, as well as tell you something about myself that 00:00:22.769 --> 00:00:24.519 I’ve never shared publicly. 00:00:24.519 --> 00:00:28.100 As those of you who’ve been watching my channel awhile know, I’ve gone from releasing 00:00:28.100 --> 00:00:33.000 2-3 videos a week consistently for about two years without fail—even down to the exact 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:37.710 publishing time—to announcing that starting August 2016, I would be reducing to one video 00:00:37.710 --> 00:00:43.260 most weeks, to the past few months wherein I’ve posted hours or even days later than ever before. 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:47.760 As I said within the announcement video I published in July, the reduction in posting 00:00:47.760 --> 00:00:52.870 frequency wasn’t a vacation, but rather a strategic—albeit painful—decision arising 00:00:52.870 --> 00:00:58.109 from the mounting unmanageability of an ever-increasing workload and ever-decreasing sleep. 00:00:58.109 --> 00:01:02.440 Having long ago reached the point of being unable to answer every comment, message and 00:01:02.440 --> 00:01:08.050 email—which I abhor more than I can possibly explain, and wish so desperately I could reply 00:01:08.050 --> 00:01:13.180 fully to each and every one of you—recently I’ve been increasingly more behind, overloaded 00:01:13.180 --> 00:01:15.590 and decidedly absent from social platforms. 00:01:15.590 --> 00:01:20.361 I greatly value accountability and have always been someone who makes good on my word, even 00:01:20.361 --> 00:01:24.900 when the other party has no expectation. The first time I was five minutes late posting 00:01:24.900 --> 00:01:28.760 a video, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. But after having uploaded a few videos 00:01:28.760 --> 00:01:33.280 recently explaining and apologizing for why a video was not ready, I’ve found that what 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:38.530 I perceive as an unacceptable failure to keep my word, is by and large not that big of a 00:01:38.530 --> 00:01:40.460 deal to those of you who have commented. 00:01:40.460 --> 00:01:45.100 Still, I’ve felt the need to try and explain why I’ve been failing to keep up. 00:01:45.100 --> 00:01:48.690 One of the primary reasons I mentioned for shifting to one video a week was to dedicate 00:01:48.690 --> 00:01:53.330 more time to building the necessary foundation for a functioning team, upon which the long-term 00:01:53.330 --> 00:01:57.710 sustainability of Bite Size Vegan and expansion of resources depends. 00:01:57.710 --> 00:02:02.070 Yet I’ve continually run into the Catch22 that in order to take on the help needed to 00:02:02.070 --> 00:02:06.890 realistically continue this work, I must put in more time and more energy than ever before, 00:02:06.890 --> 00:02:11.340 at a point when my body and mind are refusing to be pushed any further and I’ve literally 00:02:11.340 --> 00:02:17.159 run out of hours in the day, averaging 0-4 hours of sleep the last two plus years. 00:02:17.159 --> 00:02:22.150 Precisely because time is so limited, it’s all the more vital I use it as wisely and 00:02:22.150 --> 00:02:26.530 effectively as possible. Part of this entails re-evaluating the priorities and structure 00:02:26.530 --> 00:02:31.180 of Bite Size Vegan. Taking the time to move forward with forethought will accomplish far 00:02:31.180 --> 00:02:35.860 more than maintaining a semblance of regular video output while driving myself into the ground. 00:02:36.100 --> 00:02:39.920 Perhaps this will mean a shift in focus from YouTube videos to speaking in Universities 00:02:39.930 --> 00:02:44.079 and schools, like the incredible opportunity I had to speak in a New Jersey high school 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:48.320 class recently, part of which you can see in this video, which is also linked below. 00:02:48.480 --> 00:02:53.140 Regardless of the direction Bite Size Vegan takes from here, I cannot continue to do 00:02:53.140 --> 00:02:54.690 everything on my own all at once. 00:02:55.220 --> 00:02:59.780 I’m trying to fit too much in this video. To stay somewhat focused but still offer more 00:02:59.780 --> 00:03:04.730 information for those interested, I published an additional video in a public post on Patreon, 00:03:04.730 --> 00:03:10.129 which anyone can access, linked here and below. It goes into more detail about team building, 00:03:10.129 --> 00:03:13.260 why I’ve not simply issued an open call for volunteers, 00:03:13.300 --> 00:03:17.240 how and why I started a Patreon page, and more about the financial end of things. 00:03:17.800 --> 00:03:21.940 In striving for transparency and accountability regarding the requirements and demands of 00:03:21.959 --> 00:03:25.389 Bite Size Vegan’s expanding workload, I feel I’ve yet to find a balance between 00:03:25.389 --> 00:03:30.930 making an excessively boring multi-hour tutorial and another overly abbreviated task list, 00:03:30.930 --> 00:03:34.540 or indecipherable mess, which always fail to convey anything comprehensive. 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:38.100 But, that’s not even what this video is really about. 00:03:38.580 --> 00:03:42.640 Today I want to try and communicate something very important about who I am— 00:03:42.980 --> 00:03:45.960 though it has been infinitely more challenging to put into words. 00:03:46.380 --> 00:03:47.760 I’m Autistic. 00:03:48.320 --> 00:03:52.520 I’ve never shared this publicly and I want to be clear that in talking about my experience, 00:03:52.530 --> 00:03:57.469 I am not and cannot speak for other Autistics; nor is this video intended to be an in-depth 00:03:57.469 --> 00:03:59.639 educational overview of autism. 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:04.950 For anyone unfamiliar, I highly recommend referencing autistic activists and self-advocates, 00:04:04.950 --> 00:04:09.779 not Autism Speaks, which, like so many of the organizations I’ve covered in my videos, 00:04:09.779 --> 00:04:13.819 harms and misrepresents the very individuals for whom it purports to advocate. 00:04:13.819 --> 00:04:18.239 I’ve provided links to several resources in the description below and on the blog post, 00:04:18.239 --> 00:04:22.770 including Autistic activist Lydia X. Z. Brown of the blog Autistic Hoya, who effectively 00:04:22.770 --> 00:04:28.110 introduces autism as “a neurological, pervasive developmental condition. It is a disability…not 00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:33.221 a disease [and] is a lifelong condition that spans from infancy to adulthood. Autistic 00:04:33.221 --> 00:04:37.850 people usually share a variety of characteristics, including significant differences in information 00:04:37.850 --> 00:04:42.150 processing, sensory processing, communication abilities or styles, social skills, and learning 00:04:42.150 --> 00:04:43.450 styles.” 00:04:43.450 --> 00:04:47.920 Despite prevalent stereotypes, there aren’t any visible markers for autism and no two 00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:52.540 Autistics are the same. An incredibly concise yet surprisingly helpful analogy I’ve come 00:04:52.540 --> 00:04:57.580 across is that “autism is not a processing error. It's a different operating system.” 00:04:57.580 --> 00:05:02.850 I’ve spent my whole life trying to understand and operate in a world that seems completely 00:05:02.850 --> 00:05:07.320 foreign. I’m only now even barely beginning to understand how I’m “wired,” so to 00:05:07.320 --> 00:05:11.880 speak, and slowly learning how to work WITH instead of AGAINST my brain. 00:05:11.880 --> 00:05:16.100 Despite having worked with autistic individuals and people with varying abilities for over 00:05:16.100 --> 00:05:20.350 a decade, and passionately vocal regarding issues surrounding disabilities as well as 00:05:20.350 --> 00:05:25.080 mental health, I've had a huge blind spot for myself, believing and being told my whole 00:05:25.080 --> 00:05:30.360 life that aspects of who I am were wrong or bad—and that I just needed to try harder, 00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:36.140 do better, stop being so difficult, and for the love of god, stop asking so many questions. 00:05:36.140 --> 00:05:40.740 There are two main reasons I’ve never shared this about myself. First, I was only diagnosed 00:05:40.740 --> 00:05:45.050 just over a year ago haven’t really had a spare moment to take the time to process 00:05:45.050 --> 00:05:50.860 everything, and second—as I’ve said many times—Bite Size Vegan isn’t about me. 00:05:50.860 --> 00:05:54.680 There are a lot of things in my life that I don’t include on the channel. Not because 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:58.930 I’m ashamed or trying to hide anything—in fact, I actually tend to grossly over-share 00:05:58.930 --> 00:06:03.420 by societal standards—but because that’s not what Bite Size Vegan is for. 00:06:03.420 --> 00:06:07.900 I’m sharing this with you now for a few reasons, the most pressing being that I’ve 00:06:07.900 --> 00:06:11.770 reached a point of what’s called “autistic burnout.” I’ve linked here and below to 00:06:11.770 --> 00:06:16.900 a very helpful video on this topic by Autistic blogger, public speaker, advocate, and activist 00:06:16.900 --> 00:06:21.861 Amythest Schaber. It’s part of their fantastic video series “Ask An Autistic,” and really 00:06:21.861 --> 00:06:26.314 speak to where I am right now with a clarity I can’t express at the moment. I mean it’s 00:06:26.314 --> 00:06:30.810 taken me over two weeks of writing, editing and re-writing, to finish this video. 00:06:30.810 --> 00:06:35.530 Another reason I decided to try and communicate my experiences in such a public manner was 00:06:35.530 --> 00:06:41.020 the hope that doing so might—even in the smallest way—help break through the misinformation, 00:06:41.020 --> 00:06:45.220 disinformation, and stigmatizing of autism, as well as let any of you out there facing 00:06:45.220 --> 00:06:50.060 similar challenges know that you are not bad. And you are not broken. 00:06:50.060 --> 00:06:56.160 It’s okay to be yourself fully and find what tools and help you need to be healthy. 00:06:56.160 --> 00:07:00.900 I for one have always had to reach a place of extreme over-exertion to even consider 00:07:00.900 --> 00:07:05.490 dialing anything back. And with the animals being my central focus every day the last 00:07:05.490 --> 00:07:10.000 few years as a full time activist, it’s taken me pushing myself even further beyond 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:12.410 exhaustion than ever before. 00:07:12.410 --> 00:07:16.550 But I have to start listening to what I’ve said in to all of you in many videos: in order 00:07:16.550 --> 00:07:21.670 to help others, you must first help yourself. If there is to be any hope for me to continue 00:07:21.670 --> 00:07:26.090 with the work I desperately want to keep doing every minute of the day, I have to step back 00:07:26.090 --> 00:07:30.680 from certain aspects for the time being in order to learn and put into place the necessary 00:07:30.680 --> 00:07:31.930 supports for myself. 00:07:31.930 --> 00:07:36.630 I’ve driven myself to a point where my ability to be an effective advocate for the animals 00:07:36.630 --> 00:07:42.270 is progressively decreasing. Yet I keep stubbornly forcing myself onward, when even so many of 00:07:42.270 --> 00:07:45.120 you have told me to please take time off. 00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:49.860 To be honest, time off, relaxation and self-care are very foreign to me. 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:54.460 In fact, the one time in my life I really made a concentrated effort to relax, 00:07:54.880 --> 00:07:58.020 I ended up getting sick from the stress of trying to relax. 00:07:59.740 --> 00:08:00.800 I’m that good. 00:08:01.620 --> 00:08:03.660 My brain has never been a quite place. 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:09.380 Even when I try, I can’t disconnect any single element from its myriad of connections and contexts. 00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:13.480 I seem to lack any inherent filter for prioritization, 00:08:13.540 --> 00:08:20.160 so essentially every new concept, variable, thought, change or sensory input adds to the existing chaos— 00:08:20.440 --> 00:08:22.480 everything all at once all the time. 00:08:23.020 --> 00:08:26.860 You can kind of hear this in my unscripted Q&A’s, where I’ll take the scenic route 00:08:26.860 --> 00:08:32.140 to an answer, speaking somewhat rapidly in an effort to keep up with my brain. 00:08:32.140 --> 00:08:35.639 Communication has always been demanding. The challenge is navigating through the shifting 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:40.560 chaos and deepening complexities while attempting to harness them long enough to translate them 00:08:40.560 --> 00:08:44.709 into a linear, simplified progression of thought, designed to help others make the connections 00:08:44.709 --> 00:08:46.100 for themselves. 00:08:46.100 --> 00:08:49.940 Throughout my life, my art, and my activism, I've made decisions based on what would be 00:08:49.940 --> 00:08:54.550 most effective for the message or purpose of my work, regardless of my own comfort. 00:08:54.550 --> 00:08:59.790 Almost every aspect of Bite Size Vegan involves the very things in life I find most difficult—even 00:08:59.790 --> 00:09:06.671 terrifying: learning and utilizing technology, using social media…at all…reaching out 00:09:06.671 --> 00:09:11.589 to people for interviews, asking people to share my videos (or trying to even though 00:09:11.589 --> 00:09:16.769 they’re a free resource), asking for anything from anyone in any capacity, dealing with 00:09:16.769 --> 00:09:22.459 unexpected change, dealing with expected change, making business decisions, networking, traveling, 00:09:22.459 --> 00:09:28.189 structuring and organizing, anything regarding schedules—especially when out of my control—navigating 00:09:28.189 --> 00:09:34.649 basic human interactions, and—most absurd of all and the very purpose of Bite Size Vegan: 00:09:34.649 --> 00:09:39.390 simplifying complex issues into clear, linear, easily-accessed and understood educational 00:09:39.390 --> 00:09:40.879 resources. 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:44.810 But the truth is, if my mind didn’t work the way it does, and I hadn’t been through 00:09:44.810 --> 00:09:50.040 what I have, I wouldn’t be the person I am. As utterly exhausting and taxing it is 00:09:50.040 --> 00:09:54.320 to go through this process with the way my mind operates, every comment or message of 00:09:54.320 --> 00:10:00.839 change from new and existing vegans makes every ounce of effort more than worth it. 00:10:00.839 --> 00:10:05.899 Being autistic is not a tragedy. Looking back, I believe it’s been an integral factor in 00:10:05.899 --> 00:10:09.990 my connecting with non-human animals from such an early age. I’m far from the first 00:10:09.990 --> 00:10:15.310 autistic person to draw this connection. In a perfect example of no two Autistics being 00:10:15.310 --> 00:10:20.259 the same, take Temple Grandin, the most well-known autistic woman in the world. Dr. Grandin has 00:10:20.259 --> 00:10:24.830 written how autism allowed her to really put herself in the place of the animals and understand 00:10:24.830 --> 00:10:29.410 how they think, what scares them, what makes them feel safe. And she used that profound 00:10:29.410 --> 00:10:34.970 connection to design “better” and “friendlier” ways to systematically murder them. 00:10:34.970 --> 00:10:41.259 I, on the other hand, arrived at a different conclusion. From an early age, the experience 00:10:41.259 --> 00:10:46.260 of give everything I have in an effort to communicate clearly or to ask for help, only 00:10:46.260 --> 00:10:51.540 to be dismissed, ignored, or misinterpreted, made me all the more passionate about and 00:10:51.540 --> 00:10:56.290 determined to fight for the animals who are also screaming at the top of their lungs but 00:10:56.290 --> 00:11:02.410 are not just denied their voices and their freedom, but also their very individuality—living 00:11:02.410 --> 00:11:06.709 every moment in a hell infinitely worse than I could ever imagine. 00:11:06.709 --> 00:11:11.410 I will never not be autistic. And wouldn’t want to be if I could. As I’ve said many 00:11:11.410 --> 00:11:16.470 times in my videos, we need as many varied and unique voices speaking about veganism 00:11:16.470 --> 00:11:22.149 as possible. You will reach people I never could, just as I may reach people others have 00:11:22.149 --> 00:11:23.149 not. 00:11:23.149 --> 00:11:26.740 I’ve heard from so many of you that you don’t feel qualified, smart, or well-spoken 00:11:26.740 --> 00:11:31.259 enough to get active, or don’t look how you think you should. That’s a major reason 00:11:31.259 --> 00:11:36.600 I make sure to share what I perceive as my total incompetence, and the fear I feel every 00:11:36.600 --> 00:11:41.250 step of the way. Because we all have a tendency to compare our insides to other people’s 00:11:41.250 --> 00:11:45.709 outsides. I think if we could all see what was going on behind the scenes in each other’s 00:11:45.709 --> 00:11:49.649 lives, we may find that the people we think have it “all figured out” are—in a lot 00:11:49.649 --> 00:11:55.069 of ways—just as lost and scared as we are. I for one intend to keep fighting through 00:11:55.069 --> 00:12:02.870 the fear, imperfect as ever, learning with every fall, and wearing my scars with pride. 00:12:02.870 --> 00:12:06.440 Before wrapping up, I of course want to spell out what all this means logistically for Bite 00:12:06.440 --> 00:12:07.990 Size Vegan and the channel right now? 00:12:07.990 --> 00:12:12.509 Well, I’m not going to drop off the face of the earth and I’m still not going on 00:12:12.509 --> 00:12:16.519 vacation. Honestly, I’d likely go insane were I to stop working entirely or even have 00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:18.329 a stereotypical “day off.” 00:12:18.329 --> 00:12:24.300 I still have upcoming speeches—two already confirmed are VegMichigan and Cleveland Vegfest—as 00:12:24.300 --> 00:12:29.059 well as slaughterhouse vigil trips and volunteer time at farmed animal sanctuaries, among other 00:12:29.059 --> 00:12:30.059 things. 00:12:30.059 --> 00:12:33.690 I will post any events open to the public on the “About” page of BiteSizeVegan.com, 00:12:33.690 --> 00:12:37.629 where you can also sign up for my newsletter to be informed of announcements and updates. 00:12:37.629 --> 00:12:39.610 Plus you get a free ebook to boot. 00:12:39.610 --> 00:12:44.029 I’ll also be focusing intently on building the team structure and figuring out what changes 00:12:44.029 --> 00:12:48.019 and supports need to be in place for the long-term maintenance and growth of Bite Size Vegan. 00:12:48.019 --> 00:12:51.760 Again, please see the video on Patreon linked below for more details. 00:12:51.760 --> 00:12:56.430 There’s an insane amount of backlog to be addressed on many fronts, not the least of 00:12:56.430 --> 00:13:02.220 which is the email inbox disaster. And of course finally sleeping! 00:13:02.220 --> 00:13:06.389 At least for the time being, I will not be posting regularly on YouTube, and will be 00:13:06.389 --> 00:13:10.640 far less present on social media in general, though I will likely still post on Instagram, 00:13:10.640 --> 00:13:14.790 Facebook and Twitter, so feel free to follow me on those if you like. 00:13:14.790 --> 00:13:20.550 Also, given YouTube’s ongoing shenanigans, it’s always a good idea to click that bell 00:13:20.550 --> 00:13:24.600 and choose to enable notifications for the channel, so you’ll know when I do happen 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:26.110 to bust something out. 00:13:26.110 --> 00:13:30.190 As always, I’ll be the most present on Patreon checking in with and running things by my 00:13:30.190 --> 00:13:35.069 Nugget Army family, without whom there’d be no future to plan for Bite Size Vegan. 00:13:35.069 --> 00:13:41.379 Though this may seem like a retreat or surrender, it is anything but. I’ll never stop fighting. 00:13:41.379 --> 00:13:46.390 And this is the time to do so from a place of grounded strength, no longer a crumpled 00:13:46.390 --> 00:13:50.699 mass, bruised and broken and swinging at shadows in blind desperation. 00:13:50.699 --> 00:13:55.769 I hope you will continue to learn about and help promote veganism by perusing the 350+ 00:13:55.769 --> 00:14:00.480 videos on my channel. Please share them far and wide, in conversations with friends, families, 00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:04.550 on social media. Both my channel and website have a search feature and I have an excessive 00:14:04.550 --> 00:14:08.810 amount of playlists grouped by topics and themes. I bet there are some you’ve never 00:14:08.810 --> 00:14:14.769 seen before! …and some you never care to see again. 00:14:14.769 --> 00:14:18.389 It would mean the world to me to know they are still being utilized for spreading the 00:14:18.389 --> 00:14:24.290 truth through education. I cannot overemphasize the power of sharing—its impact should never 00:14:24.290 --> 00:14:25.699 be discounted 00:14:25.700 --> 00:14:31.800 Last but by far not least, I want to say that my supporters are unbelievable. You have sustained me, 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:36.280 made my life livable through the sleepless nights of overworking my complicated mind. 00:14:36.680 --> 00:14:38.180 Thank you for standing by me. 00:14:38.520 --> 00:14:43.420 And thank you for accepting me as I am, long before I could begin to start accepting myself. 00:14:44.040 --> 00:14:47.060 Now go live vegan, and I’ll see you soon.