WEBVTT

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[Applause]

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You are encouraging me way too much.

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But I'm lovin' it.

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Uh, you know, you think about this whole, this whole

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era politically and, you know, that there's been a

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Bush in the White House for 30 years, and it's

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specifically Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton, and

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a lot of poeple think it's like a conspiracy, someone

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thought of this shit, you know, some kind of,

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you know, Matrix, sci-fi kind of thing, some kind

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of oracle, like you know, Ronald Regan in some

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summit in 1988 - 88 - planned the whole thing,

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you know, [impersonates Regan],

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"Well, I'll be president until 1988, and then George, um, well, you can be president."

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[impersonates George Bush Sr.]

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"Well, thank ya." [cheers and applause]

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"Lovin' it, lovin' to be prezzer, been a veeper

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for a while. Love to go up to the big boy table.

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Be a commander in chiefer. Wanna be a dos-a-termer."

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[Regan] "Well, no, you'll have one term, and

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then we'll put in that Arkansas governor,

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the really hearty one." [cheers and laughter]

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[impersonates Bill Clinton]

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"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm lovin' it.

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Thank you, Regan Oracle, I can't wait

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to be president."

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[Regan] "Well, don't get cocky. Everyone knows you've

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got a zipper problem." [laughter]

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"Comedians will still be making jokes

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about your horniness in the year 2008."

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[Clinton] "Get the fuck out of town!"

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[Impersonates Al Gore]

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"My name's Al Gore. Could I be president,

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Regan Oracle? Could I be president of the

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United States of America?" [laughter]

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[Regan] "Well, you'll win the popular vote, but you

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won't be president." [laughter]

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[Gore] "How does that work?"

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[Regan] "You'll find out. But you will win

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the Nobel Peace Prize."

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[Gore] "The Nobel Peace Prize! What will I

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win that for?"

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[Regan] "It doesn't really matter."

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[Impersonates Ross Perot]

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"This here's Ross Perot! Can I be president

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[jibberish, fast talking]

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[Regan] "Stand down, little man."

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[Perot] "Can I get a Nobel Prize, can I get a Nobel Prize?"

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[Regan] "Stand down, you little munchkin freak."

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[Perot] "Can I get a Nobel Prize, can I get a Nobel Prize?"

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[Regan] "No, you can't."

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[Perot] "Why not?"

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[Regan] "Because they don't give them to nut balls."

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[Perot] "I'll get you, Regan Oracle.

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You can't put a porcupine in a barn and set it

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on fire and expect to make licorice!" [laughter]

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[Impersonates John Kerry]

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"I'm John Kerry. I'm John Kerry and I want to

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be president of the United States of America."

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[Regan] "No, you can't be president."

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[Kerry] "Why not?"

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[Regan] "Because you look like Herman Munster!"

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Your face is 19% longer than anatomically

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thought possible. Now get the fuck out."

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All right, where was I? Bill, Mr. Clinton, well,

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you'll do two terms. Then George, we'll bring in

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your son."

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[Bush] "Well, thank ya. Thank ya for that.

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Jeb Bush, ready to go. Jebbers on deck."

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[Regan] "No, not that one. The drunken one

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with the coke problem." [cheering, laughter]

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[Impersonates George W Bush]

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"All right, you hear that, Daddy? Imma

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be president of American. I can't wait

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to be the commander in hankerchief.

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I'll make all kinda of presidential speeches,

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check one out. God bless American.

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We're gonna pro-tect [...] here at home

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and on abroad. Make no mistake, we're gonna

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pro-tect [...] against all our em-in-em a nies.

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Like the floundering fathers proclamatted in the

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declaration of impedence, all men are secreted

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equally."

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[Regan] "Is he retarded?"

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[Bush Sr.] "Well, not the crunchiest chip in the

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bag there."

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[Impersonating Arnold Swartzineger]

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"Ya, this is Arnold Swartzinager, movie star.

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I'd like to be president of the United States of America."

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[Regan] "No, you can't be president."

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[Arnold] "Why not?"

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[Regan] "Because you sound like those fellas we

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fought in World War II."

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[Impersonating John McCain]

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"My name's John McCain - "

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[Regan] "My God you're old! It's father time,

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come alive. Be gone, crypt keeper."

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[Impersonating DIck Cheney]

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"This is Dick Cheney. You don't have to

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worry about me ... I never wanna be president."

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[Regan] "That's a good thing because you're

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a bit creepy."

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[Clinton] "Well come on, Regan Oracle, who's

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gonna be president? We wanna know!"

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[Regan] "Well, we won't know til we know,

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that's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye

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on a nice African-American gentleman from

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Illinois, a wonderful speaker. Kind of looks

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like a cross between the Mad magazine guy

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and Urkle."