WEBVTT 00:00:00.961 --> 00:00:02.861 (salesman) Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle 00:00:02.861 --> 00:00:04.052 and beat it like Michael Jackson. 00:00:04.052 --> 00:00:05.952 That's why your neighbor said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage, 00:00:05.952 --> 00:00:08.817 'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds. So watch this right here, Dad, look. 00:00:08.817 --> 00:00:10.437 Who does this the most on the window: 00:00:10.437 --> 00:00:12.939 the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys that eat fried chicken? 00:00:12.939 --> 00:00:14.641 -Now you see these water spots? Look! -(customer) Yeah. 00:00:14.641 --> 00:00:16.354 (salesman) They get whiter than my elbows without lotion. 00:00:16.354 --> 00:00:17.724 Watch this [indistinct] 00:00:17.724 --> 00:00:19.636 'Cause Stevie Wonder says "seein' is believin'," 00:00:19.636 --> 00:00:22.661 and I got a disease called enthusiasm, so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard. 00:00:22.661 --> 00:00:24.316 Watch this, though. Don't laugh too hard, 00:00:24.316 --> 00:00:26.421 'cause the neighbors gonna see this black kid scrubbin' your window, okay? 00:00:26.421 --> 00:00:27.137 (customer laughing) 00:00:27.137 --> 00:00:29.607 But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi. Remember the Karate Kid? 00:00:29.607 --> 00:00:32.421 Now watch this-- the air dry, look, it puts a coating on your window. 00:00:32.421 --> 00:00:35.421 No water spots, no fingerprints, no streaks. 00:00:35.421 --> 00:00:39.044 That's why we can't sell it to criminals. Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay? 00:00:39.044 --> 00:00:40.692 (customer laughing) High five there! They been lovin' this stuff! 00:00:40.692 --> 00:00:44.592 Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all, would agree -- oh my god! 00:00:44.592 --> 00:00:49.074 You see this right here! Who did that?! Who did that?! 00:00:49.074 --> 00:00:50.614 -(customer) I did. -(salesman) Okay, watch this. 00:00:50.614 --> 00:00:53.181 Now, my mom said if it's darker than me and it don't pay the bills, 00:00:53.181 --> 00:00:54.192 it shouldn't be there, right? 00:00:54.192 --> 00:00:56.492 (customer laughing) Salesman: God bless you, hahaha. 00:00:56.492 --> 00:00:58.723 Now look, this right here-- we just upgraded like Beyonce. 00:00:58.723 --> 00:01:00.345 This is our new surfactant. 00:01:00.345 --> 00:01:02.228 Hold this and watch this, 'cause this should be the main reason 00:01:02.228 --> 00:01:04.952 why you get the HBO special. You know what "HBO" means? 00:01:04.952 --> 00:01:05.668 (customer) No. 00:01:05.668 --> 00:01:08.623 (salesman) You get to help a brother out. (both laughing) 00:01:08.623 --> 00:01:10.015 Yeah, I've been on the roll like toilet paper. 00:01:10.015 --> 00:01:11.876 Half of your neighbors in the community-- they said they just gonna get it 00:01:11.876 --> 00:01:13.544 'cause I'm funny, 'cause this stuff sells itself. 00:01:13.544 --> 00:01:16.661 Look, you just go back and forth like a argument. 00:01:16.661 --> 00:01:19.544 Now I ain't Jesus, but look how I split that like Moses did the Red Sea. 00:01:19.544 --> 00:01:21.223 Paint me green and call me a pickle. 00:01:21.223 --> 00:01:24.046 And look at this right here, look. Goes good with chicken. 00:01:24.046 --> 00:01:25.784 Don't drink it, though, or it will give you the Hershey squirts. 00:01:25.784 --> 00:01:28.544 But look, that one bottle will last you longer than my last relationship. 00:01:28.544 --> 00:01:29.753 Y'all got water, right? 00:01:29.753 --> 00:01:30.983 (customer)(laughing) Yeah. 00:01:30.983 --> 00:01:33.168 High five, you qualified to use it! Over here, mama. 00:01:33.168 --> 00:01:35.122 Now, this is my last demo and I'm out your hair 00:01:35.122 --> 00:01:36.575 quicker than your favorite shampoo. 00:01:36.575 --> 00:01:38.377 Y'all familiar with these right here-- Sharpies? 00:01:38.377 --> 00:01:39.452 (customer) Yeah. 00:01:39.452 --> 00:01:41.691 Now, watch this-- even though I'm black, it ain't black magic. It just work. 00:01:41.691 --> 00:01:43.983 'Cause look, say you got this in the clothes or the carpets or the laundry. 00:01:43.983 --> 00:01:45.253 Would you agree that's hard to get out? 00:01:45.253 --> 00:01:46.161 (customer) Probably. 00:01:46.161 --> 00:01:48.346 (salesman) Would you throw it out, Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out, 00:01:48.346 --> 00:01:49.366 Mike Tyson to bite it out-- 00:01:49.366 --> 00:01:50.242 -(customer 2) Throw it out. -(salesman) --Kobe Bryant to-- 00:01:50.242 --> 00:01:53.397 -(salesman)(indistinct) -(customer 2) Oh, okay, you weren't done. 00:01:53.397 --> 00:01:55.161 (salesman) It was a multiple choice funny joke. 00:01:55.161 --> 00:01:56.804 'Cause you know you can't throw bleach on colors, right? 00:01:56.804 --> 00:01:57.667 (customer) Sure. 00:01:57.667 --> 00:01:59.229 (salesman) Look at this. This is safe on colors. 00:01:59.229 --> 00:02:00.897 That's why we can't sell it to Sammy Sosa. 00:02:00.897 --> 00:02:02.697 (customer laughing) But look, you just spray the spray, right? 00:02:02.697 --> 00:02:07.199 Now, this right here takes out ink, blood, coffee stains, grass stains, 00:02:07.199 --> 00:02:09.667 Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax. 00:02:09.667 --> 00:02:11.544 Would you say that's whiter than the Colgate smile? 00:02:11.544 --> 00:02:13.211 (customer laughing) 00:02:13.211 --> 00:02:15.013 Oh my goodness, you see that? 00:02:15.013 --> 00:02:16.421 (customer) Can I use it on my teeth? 00:02:16.421 --> 00:02:17.866 (salesman) It ain't Jesus in a bottle. 00:02:17.866 --> 00:02:19.791 I use it on mine, they turn brown. No, I'm just kidding. 00:02:19.791 --> 00:02:22.074 But no, you just use it on-- for your house. 00:02:22.074 --> 00:02:23.336 What's the hardest thing to clean? 00:02:23.336 --> 00:02:26.075 Would it be carpet, the tile, barbecue grills, the shower doors, 00:02:26.075 --> 00:02:28.304 that oil and rust in the driveway that's blacker than my mother 00:02:28.304 --> 00:02:30.683 but not as beautiful, or that calcium right there? 00:02:31.693 --> 00:02:34.921 -(customer 2) Can I put this on YouTube? -(salesman) Yes, ma'am. 00:02:34.921 --> 00:02:37.365 -(customer 2) What are you selling? -(salesman) Personality. 00:02:37.365 --> 00:02:39.324 -(customer) Show them. -(salesman) But this sells itself, though. 00:02:39.324 --> 00:02:41.921 It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner, best thing since cake and ice cream. 00:02:41.921 --> 00:02:44.013 Now, unlike Madonna, it's never been touched, 00:02:44.013 --> 00:02:46.428 so when you put two caps in a bottle-- (customer laughing) 00:02:46.428 --> 00:02:47.641 Well, I just come-- most of your neighbors, 00:02:47.641 --> 00:02:48.982 they just get it 'cause they like me. 00:02:48.982 --> 00:02:50.304 Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins? (customers) Yeah. 00:02:50.304 --> 00:02:51.574 (salesman) See, I'm takin' his course 00:02:51.574 --> 00:02:53.544 'cause this how Jamie Foxx started off, door-to-door. 00:02:53.544 --> 00:02:55.612 And he said two years of door-to-door sellin' 00:02:55.612 --> 00:02:58.105 is the equivalent of four years of college communication, 00:02:58.105 --> 00:02:59.365 how you interact with different people, 00:02:59.365 --> 00:03:01.173 that's why half of the neighbors don't buy it 'cause it work; 00:03:01.173 --> 00:03:03.081 they just buy it 'cause they like my tenacity, 00:03:03.081 --> 00:03:04.952 'cause they said it ain't an easy task goin' door to door. 00:03:04.952 --> 00:03:06.273 (customer 2) How much is it? 00:03:06.273 --> 00:03:08.421 I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach ain't never knocked on ya'll door 00:03:08.421 --> 00:03:11.396 and made you laugh while Mom went and got the camcorder just to tape it, right? 00:03:11.396 --> 00:03:13.774 High five, that's all I'm sayin'! 00:03:13.774 --> 00:03:15.952 But what y'all do for a livin'? Y'all must be in sales too! 00:03:15.952 --> 00:03:17.427 Kind of. We-- 00:03:17.427 --> 00:03:19.273 I know, 'cause your house bigger than my whole neighborhood! 00:03:19.273 --> 00:03:22.104 Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson buy from a good one," right? 00:03:22.104 --> 00:03:24.742 God bless you. But that's why I said, just try the one. 00:03:24.742 --> 00:03:26.575 You don't even gotta buy the case today like Madeline. 00:03:26.575 --> 00:03:28.227 My mom said if you can't get the whole chicken, 00:03:28.227 --> 00:03:30.712 at least get the wing, right? Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal. 00:03:30.712 --> 00:03:33.336 But like I said, you only put two caps, twenty ounces of water, 00:03:33.336 --> 00:03:35.304 so that one bottle make you 68 sprayers. 00:03:35.304 --> 00:03:38.074 But you should just save my autograph because by the time you run out, 00:03:38.074 --> 00:03:39.711 you probably see me on Last Comic Standing, 00:03:39.711 --> 00:03:41.681 and then you go to eBay and get your money back. 00:03:41.681 --> 00:03:42.351 (customer laughing) 00:03:42.351 --> 00:03:44.123 Well, 'cause even Jesus said if you give a person a fish, 00:03:44.123 --> 00:03:45.865 you could feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, 00:03:45.865 --> 00:03:47.142 you could feed him for a lifetime, right? 00:03:47.142 --> 00:03:47.774 Sure. 00:03:47.774 --> 00:03:50.243 God bless you, but if y'all had it, what would you try it on first, 00:03:50.243 --> 00:03:53.365 that right here, or the hard water spot, or just-- just something fun? 00:03:53.365 --> 00:03:56.731 Huh, what? I don't know. How much is it? 00:03:56.731 --> 00:03:58.914 Well, the one bottle is just $36 a bottle, 00:03:58.914 --> 00:04:01.212 and you get a spray bottle-- it makes you 68 bottles. 00:04:01.212 --> 00:04:03.501 I just get 50% of that, because if I don't sell nothin', I don't get nothin'. 00:04:03.501 --> 00:04:04.624 That's why your neighbor, he said, 00:04:04.624 --> 00:04:05.982 "I'm just gonna get it 'cause you're funny," 00:04:05.982 --> 00:04:08.952 'cause the one thing that your neighbors didn't say-- look, right here. 00:04:08.952 --> 00:04:11.214 You know, all of these cleaners-- 00:04:11.214 --> 00:04:13.050 this is another joke, though, so tape this one. 00:04:13.050 --> 00:04:14.712 But do you know all of these cleaners right here y'all use? 00:04:14.712 --> 00:04:15.426 Uh-huh. 00:04:15.426 --> 00:04:18.004 They said this stuff is like a pregnant lady on welfare-- it don't work! 00:04:18.004 --> 00:04:18.743 Okay. 00:04:18.743 --> 00:04:22.106 You get it? 'Cause you know there's Clorox, Simple Green, 409, 00:04:22.106 --> 00:04:24.865 Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pine Sol-- y'all probably use a lot of those, right? 00:04:24.865 --> 00:04:25.575 Mm-hmm. 00:04:25.575 --> 00:04:28.421 Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier? 00:04:28.421 --> 00:04:29.737 -Dollar. -High five there! 00:04:29.737 --> 00:04:31.702 See, you sharper than a Gillette, that's what I'm talking about! 00:04:31.702 --> 00:04:32.483 (laughing) 00:04:32.483 --> 00:04:33.941 Now, this should be really the check test for y'all, though. 00:04:33.941 --> 00:04:37.136 Now, Mom, you see our door handle? That brass? 00:04:38.506 --> 00:04:40.661 Oh my god. Pull the door. Watch this. 00:04:40.661 --> 00:04:43.082 This should be the main reason why y'all get the get-rid-of-me special. 00:04:43.082 --> 00:04:43.988 (customer) Alright. 00:04:43.988 --> 00:04:45.488 (customer 2) Can you sell it for $30? 00:04:45.488 --> 00:04:47.550 I'll get fired right now, but what you can do, Mom, 00:04:47.550 --> 00:04:49.212 you can write this off for fundraising, though. 00:04:49.212 --> 00:04:50.482 That's what most your neighbors been doing. 00:04:50.482 --> 00:04:51.612 (customer 2) What? What? What? 00:04:51.612 --> 00:04:52.804 -(salesman) You get the right-- -(customer 2) Was that a yes? 00:04:52.804 --> 00:04:55.020 (chuckling) I like you, Mom. You must be a teacher. 00:04:55.020 --> 00:04:56.305 (customer 2) No. 00:04:56.305 --> 00:04:58.234 'Cause you got a lot of class. (customer laughing) 00:04:58.234 --> 00:05:01.075 But you see right here, though? For real? No, you get to write it off, though. 00:05:01.075 --> 00:05:03.014 That's why a lot of your neighbors don't do it from they pocket; 00:05:03.014 --> 00:05:05.483 they do it from they heart. But I'll tell you what I can do. 00:05:05.483 --> 00:05:07.482 If y'all get the one bottle, I'm going to throw in a free 00:05:07.482 --> 00:05:10.729 Mary Kay / Christian Dior / Calvin Klein / Louis Vuitton spray bottle to go with it. 00:05:10.729 --> 00:05:12.181 But this should be the check test, though-- 00:05:12.181 --> 00:05:13.384 you see this brass right here? 00:05:13.384 --> 00:05:14.873 Now I'm gonna be all-- when the last time 00:05:14.873 --> 00:05:16.774 y'all seen this look shiny like a baby heinie? 00:05:16.774 --> 00:05:18.106 When y'all first bought the house? 00:05:18.106 --> 00:05:19.731 God bless you. Watch this right here. 00:05:19.731 --> 00:05:21.743 (customer) It's so old. 00:05:21.743 --> 00:05:23.136 (salesman) I know. Now it's about to be brand new. 00:05:23.136 --> 00:05:26.365 It's gonna go from 79 to 2010. 00:05:26.365 --> 00:05:28.913 Look at that! Oh my goodness! 00:05:28.913 --> 00:05:30.383 (customer) Are you shitting me? 00:05:30.383 --> 00:05:32.336 (salesman) There-- that's worth a bottle right there. 00:05:32.336 --> 00:05:33.365 (customer) Can you wipe that off the door down there? 00:05:33.365 --> 00:05:34.581 (salesman) Now don't panic; it's organic. 00:05:34.581 --> 00:05:36.201 Remember, I told you, it won't fade color. 00:05:36.201 --> 00:05:37.181 Remember, that's why we couldn't-- 00:05:37.181 --> 00:05:38.927 that's why we could sell it to Michael Jackson. 00:05:38.927 --> 00:05:42.489 Well, our product meet OSHA, USDA, EPA, and PETA. 00:05:42.489 --> 00:05:44.743 You know this is safe around dogs, unlike Michael Vick? 00:05:44.743 --> 00:05:47.106 And it's safe around kids, unlike Pee-wee Herman. 00:05:47.106 --> 00:05:48.834 High five! Oh yeah! 00:05:48.834 --> 00:05:51.711 Would you say this show alone worth me getting a commission off that one bottle? 00:05:51.711 --> 00:05:52.866 (customer) Hell yeah! 00:05:52.866 --> 00:05:54.550 (salesman) Well yeah, that's why you should do it from your heart. 00:05:54.550 --> 00:05:55.982 You think I could do standup comedy? 00:05:55.982 --> 00:05:56.743 Oh yeah! 00:05:56.743 --> 00:05:58.607 That's the only reason why I'm doing this. This is a stepping stone for me! 00:05:58.607 --> 00:06:00.698 Because I get a commission to pay for my acting school. 00:06:00.698 --> 00:06:01.743 That's why a lot of your neighbors-- 00:06:01.743 --> 00:06:02.681 Are you from around here? 00:06:02.681 --> 00:06:04.459 I'm from my mama. Don't tell my daddy he a faggot, but I-- 00:06:04.459 --> 00:06:06.906 we stay out here now, yeah. We stay on-- 00:06:06.906 --> 00:06:08.136 (customer 2) What's your name? 00:06:08.136 --> 00:06:09.482 Kenny Brooks. Watch, you gonna see me on TV. 00:06:09.482 --> 00:06:11.106 Make sure you tape that: Kenny Brooks! 00:06:11.106 --> 00:06:14.712 (customer) Well, 'cause, uh, 'cause I think, if you're around, 00:06:14.712 --> 00:06:17.866 'cause we play music and bands, and we have a-- 00:06:17.866 --> 00:06:20.941 it'd be perfect to have you come up and, you know, 00:06:20.941 --> 00:06:22.952 between bands, and say some shit. 00:06:22.952 --> 00:06:25.075 High five there! Why y'all so nice, man? 00:06:25.075 --> 00:06:26.743 Y'all cooler than the other side of the pillow! 00:06:26.743 --> 00:06:29.637 Dang, if I had y'all hands, I'd cut my hands off. 00:06:29.637 --> 00:06:31.743 'Cause your neighbors been workin' me like I'm black 00:06:31.743 --> 00:06:33.523 and payin' me like I'm Mexican; that's what I'm trying to get off, 00:06:33.523 --> 00:06:35.366 where I had one neighbor try to make me clean the toilet. 00:06:35.366 --> 00:06:37.989 (both laughing) I was like, "Dang." 00:06:37.989 --> 00:06:39.637 But that's what I said, just try one, 00:06:39.637 --> 00:06:41.698 'cause I know that ain't gonna take the cheese out y'all macaroni, 00:06:41.698 --> 00:06:44.274 and Mom, it ain't like you can't use it, though, 'cause you use it on everything. 00:06:44.274 --> 00:06:47.213 Only thing you can't use it on is dirty man, dirty soul, and nosy neighbors-- 00:06:47.213 --> 00:06:49.136 that's why we ain't calledl it "Jesus in a bottle." 00:06:49.136 --> 00:06:51.835 And there, you know them bugs that commit suicide on the front of your car? 00:06:51.835 --> 00:06:52.637 Yeah? 00:06:52.637 --> 00:06:54.415 They told me the bugs out here are as bad as the morning breath. 00:06:54.415 --> 00:06:56.304 Watch this right here-- 'cause see, it's unisex. 00:06:56.304 --> 00:06:56.959 But, but-- 00:06:56.959 --> 00:06:58.305 -It's made for-- -I have to leave, though. 00:06:58.305 --> 00:06:59.274 Okay, we'll just try one. 00:06:59.274 --> 00:07:01.211 You can do cash, check, or chicken wings, 'cause you're gettin' this right now. 00:07:01.211 --> 00:07:03.681 You don't even have to wait on it. We faster than UPS or FedEx. 00:07:03.681 --> 00:07:06.365 Most your neighbor just been doin' cash or makin' it out to the company. 00:07:06.365 --> 00:07:07.593 Could you get it right now? 00:07:07.593 --> 00:07:09.015 And I'm gonna get y'all a spray bottle 00:07:09.015 --> 00:07:11.233 just 'cause you ain't makin' me clean the toilet. 00:07:11.233 --> 00:07:12.197 (customer 2) Okay. 00:07:12.197 --> 00:07:12.982 God bless you!