WEBVTT

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle
and beat it like Michael Jackson.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's why your neighbor
said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds.
So watch this right here, Dad, look.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Who does this the
most on the window:

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys
that eat fried chicken?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now you see these water spots? Look!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) Yeah.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Salesman) They get whiter than
my elbows without lotion.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer chuckles)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Watch this [indistinct]

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'Cause Stevie Wonder
says "seein' is believin',"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and I got a disease called enthusiasm,
so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Watch this, though
Don't laugh too hard,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'cause the neighbors gonna see this
black kid scrubbin' your window, okay?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer laughing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi.
Remember the Karate Kid?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now watch this-- the air dry, look,
it puts a coating on your window.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
No water spots, no fingerprints,
no streaks.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's why we can't sell it to criminals.
Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer laughing) High five there!
They been lovin' this stuff!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all,
would agree -- oh my god!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You see this right here!
Who did that?! Who did that?!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) I did.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) Okay, watch this.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, my mom said if it's darker than me
and it don't pay the bills,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
it shouldn't be there, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer laughing)
Salesman: God bless you, hahaha.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now look, this right here--
we just upgraded like Beyonce.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This is our new surfactant.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Hold this and watch this,
'cause this should be the main reason

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
why you get the HBO special.
You know what HBO means?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) No.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) You get to help a brother out.
(both laughing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah, I've been on the roll
like toilet paper.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Half of your neighbors in the community--
they said they just gonna get it

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'cause I'm funny,
'cause this stuff sells itself.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Look, you just go back and forth
like a argument. (customer laughing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now I ain't Jesus, but look how
I split that like Moses did the Red Sea.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Paint me green and call me a pickle.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And look at this right here, look.
Goes good with chicken.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Don't drink it, though,
or it will give you the Hershey squirts.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But look, that one bottle will last you
longer than my last relationship.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Y'all got water, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
High five, you qualified to use it!
Over here, mama.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, this is my last demo
and I'm out your hair

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
quicker than your favorite shampoo.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Y'all familiar with these
right here-- Sharpies?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, watch this-- even though I'm black,
it ain't black magic. It just work.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'Cause look, say you got this in the
clothes or the carpets or the laundry.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Would you agree that's hard to get out?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) Probably.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) Would you throw it out,
Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Mike Tyson to bite it out--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
-(customer 2) Throw it out.
-(salesman) --Kobe Bryant to--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
-(salesman)(indistinct)
-(customer 2) Oh, okay, you weren't done.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) It was a
multiple choice funny joke.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'Cause you know you can't
throw bleach on colors, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) Sure.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) Look at this.
This is safe on colors.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's why we can't
sell it to Sammy Sosa.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer laughing)
But look, you just spray the spray, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, this right here takes out ink,
blood, coffee stains, grass stains,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Would you say that's whiter
than the Colgate smile?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer laughing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh my goodness, you see that?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) Can I use it on my teeth?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) It ain't Jesus in a bottle.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I use it on mine, they turn brown.
No, I'm just kidding.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But no, you just use it on--
for your house.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
What's the hardest thing to clean?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Would it be carpet, the tile,
barbecue grills, the shower doors,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that oil and rust in the driveway
that's blacker than my mother

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but not as beautiful,
or that calcium right there?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
-(customer 2) Can I put this on YouTube?
-(salesman) Yes, ma'am.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
-(customer 2) What are you selling?
-(salesman) Personality.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) Show them.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) But this sells itself, though.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner,
best thing since cake and ice cream.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, unlike Madonna,
it's never been touched,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
so when you put two caps in a bottle--
(customer laughing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, I just come--
most of your neighbors,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they just get it
'cause they like me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins?
(customers) Yeah.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(salesman) See,
I'm takin' his course

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'cause this how Jamie Foxx
started off, door-to-door.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And he said two years
of door-to-door sellin'

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
is the equivalent of four years
of college communication,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
how you interact with different people,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that's why half of the neighbors
don't buy it 'cause it work;

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they just buy it 'cause
they like my tenacity,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'cause they said it ain't an easy task
goin' door to door.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer 2) How much is it?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach
ain't never knocked on ya'll door

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and made you laugh while Mom went and
got the camcorder just to tape it, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
High five, that's all I'm sayin'!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But whatchall do for a livin'?
Y'all must be in sales too!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Kind of. We--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I know, 'cause your house bigger
than my whole neighborhood!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson
buy from a good one," right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
God bless you.
But that's why I said, just try the one.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You don't even gotta buy
the case today like Madeline.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
My mom said if you can't
get the whole chicken,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
at least get the wing, right?
Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But like I said, you only put two caps,
twenty ounces of water,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
so that one bottle
make you 68 sprayers.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But you should just save my autograph
because by the time you run out,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you probably see me
on Last Comic Standing,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and then you go to eBay
and get your money back.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer laughing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, 'cause even Jesus said
if you give a person a fish,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you could feed him for a day,
but if you teach him how to fish,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you could feed him
for a lifetime, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Sure.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
God bless you, but if y'all had it,
what would you try it on first,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that right here, or the hard water spot,
or just-- just something fun?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Huh, what? I don't know.
How much is it?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, the one bottle
is just $36 a bottle,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and you get a spray bottle--
it makes you 68 bottles.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I just get 50% of that, because if
I don't sell nothin', I don't get nothin'.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's why your neighbor, he said,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"I'm just gonna get it
'cause you're funny,"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'cause the one thing that your
neighbors didn't say-- look, right here.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You know, all of these cleaners--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
this is another joke, though,
so tape this one.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But do you know all of these
cleaners right here y'all use?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Uh-huh.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They said this stuff is like a
pregnant lady on welfare-- it don't work!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Okay.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You get it? 'Cause you know there's
Clorox, Simple Green, 409,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pine Sol--
y'all probably use a lot of those, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Mm-hmm.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Dollar.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
High five there!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
See, you sharper than a Gillette,
that's what I'm talking about!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
[laughing]

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, this should be really
the check test for y'all, though.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, Mom, you see our door handle?
That brass?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh my god. Pull the door. Watch this.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This should be the main reason why
y'all get the get-rid-of-me special.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer) Alright.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(customer 2) Can you sell it for $30?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'll get fired right now, but what you can do, Mom, you can write this off for fundraising, though.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's what most your neighbors been doing.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Customer 2: What? What? What?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: You get the right--
Customer 2: Was that a yes?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: [chuckles] I like you, Mom.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You must be a teacher.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Customer 2: No.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: 'Cause you got a lot of class.
[customer laughing]

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But you see right here, though? For real? No, you get to write it off, though.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's why a lot f your neighbors don't do it from they pocket; they do it from they heart.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But I'll tell you what I can do.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If y'all get the one bottle, I'm going to throw in a free Mary Kay Christian Dior Calvin Klein Louis Vuitton spray bottle to go with it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But this should be the check test, though.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You see this brass right here?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now I'm gonna be all-- when's the last time y'all seen this look shiny like a baby heinie?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When y'all first bought the house?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
God bless you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Watch this right here.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Customer: It's so old.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: I know. Now it's about to be brand new.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's gonna go from 79 to 2010.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Look at that! Oh my goodness!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
There, that's worth a bottle right there.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Customer: Can you wipe that off the door down there?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: Now don't panic; it's organic. Remember, I told you, it won't fade color.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Remember, that's why we couldn't-- that's why we could sell it to Michael Jackson.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, our product meet OSHA, USDA, EPA, and PETA.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You know this is safe around dogs, unlike Michael Vick?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And it's safe around kids, unlike Pee-wee Herman.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
High five! Oh yeah!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Would you say this show alone worth me getting a commission off that one bottle?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Customer: Hell yeah!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: Well yeah, that's why you should do it from your heart.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You think I could do standup comedy?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Customer: Oh yeah!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Salesman: That's the only reason why I'm doing this.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This is a stepping stone for me!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Because I get a commission to pay for my acting school.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's why a lot of your neighbors--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Are you from around here?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm from my mama. Don't tell my daddy he a faggot, but I -- we stay out here now, yeah. We stay on--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Customer #2) What's your name?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Kenny Brooks. Watch, you gonna see me on TV.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Make sure you tape that -- Kenny Brooks!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Customer) Well, 'cause, uh, 'cause I think, if you're around, 'cause we play music and bands, and we have a-- it'd be perfect to have you come up and, you know, between bands, and say some shit.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
High five there! Why y'all so nice, man? Y'all cooler than the other side of the pillow!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Dang, if I had y'all hairs, I'd cut mine off!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'Cause your neighbors been workin' me like I'm black and payin' me like I'm Mexican; that's what I'm trying to get off.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I had one neighbor tryin' to make me clean the toilet.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I was like, "Dang."
[both laughing]

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But that's what I said, just try one, 'cause I know that ain't gonna take the cheese out y'all macaroni, and Mom, it ain't like you can't use it, though, 'cause you use it on everything.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Only thing you can't use it on is dirty man, dirty soul, and nosy neighbors-- that's why we ain't call it Jesus in a bottle.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And there, you know them bugs that commit suicide on the front of your car?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They told me the bugs out here are as bad as the morning breath.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Watch this right here -- 'cause see, it's unisex.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But, but--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's made for--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I have to leave, though.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ok, we'll just try one. You can do cash, check, or chicken wings, 'cause you're gettin' this right now.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You don't even have to wait on it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We faster than UPS or FedEx.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Most your neighbor just been doin' cash or makin' it out to the company.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Could you get it right now?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And I'm gonna get y'all a spray bottle just 'cause you ain't makin' me clean the toilet.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Customer 2) Okay.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
God bless you!