Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle and beat it like Michael Jackson.
That's why your neighbor said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage, 'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds.
So watch this right here, Dad, look.
Who does this the most on the window: the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys that eat fried chicken?
Now you see these water spots?
Customer: Yeah.
Salesman: They get whiter than my elbows without lotion.
[Customer chuckles]
Watch this dedden em up to hear.
'Cause Stevie Wonder says "seein' is believin'," and I got a disease called enthusiasm, so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard.
Watch this, though. Don't laugh too hard, 'cause the neighbors gonna see this black kid scrubbin' your window, okay?
[customer laughing]
But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi. Remember the Karate Kid?
Now watch this-- the air dry, look, it puts a coating on your window.
No water spots, no fingerprints, no streaks.
That's why we can't sell it to criminals.
Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay?
High five there! They been lovin' this stuff!
Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all, would agree -- oh my God! You see this right here! Who did that?! Who did that?!
Customer: I did.
Salesman: Okay, watch this. Now, my mom said if it's darker than me and it don't pay the bills, it shouldn't be there, right?
[customer laughing] Salesman: God bless you, hahaha.
Now look, this right here, we just upgraded like Beyonce.
This is our new surfactant.
Hold this and watch this, 'cause this should be the main reason why you get the HBO special.
You know what HBO means?
Customer: No.
Salesman: You get to help a brother out. [both laughing]
Yeah, I've been on the roll like toilet paper. Half of your neighbors in the community -- they said they just gonna get it 'cause I'm funny, 'cause this stuff sells itself.
Look, you just go back and forth like a argument. [customer laughing]
Now I ain't Jesus, but look how I split that like Moses did the Red Sea.
Paint me green and call me a pickle.
And look at this right here, look. Goes good with chicken. Don't drink it, though, or it will give you the Hershey squirts.
But look, that one bottle will last you longer than my last relationship.
Y'all got water, right?
Customer: [laughing] Yeah.
High five, you qualified to use it!
Over here, mama. Now, this is my last demo and I'm out your hair quicker than your favorite shampoo.
Y'all familiar with these right here, Sharpies?
Customer [laughing]: Yeah.
Now, watch this, even though I'm black, it ain't black magic. It just work.
'Cause look, say you got this in the clothes or the carpets or the laundry.
Would you agree that's hard to get out?
Customer: Probably.
Salesman: Would you throw it out, Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out, Mike Tyson to bite it out--
-Customer 2: Throw it out. -Salesman: --Kobe Bryant to--
Salesman: [pauses, indistinct] Customer 2: Oh, okay, you weren't done.
Salesman: It was a multiple choice funny joke.
'Cause you know you can't throw bleach on colors, right?
Customer: Sure.
Salesman: Look at this. This is safe on colors. That's why we can't sell it to Sammy Sosa.
[customer laughing] But look, you just spray the spray, right?
Now, this right here takes out ink, blood, coffee stains, grass stains, Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax.
Would you say that's whiter than the Colgate smile?
[customer laughing]
Oh my goodness, you see that?
Customer: Can I use it on my teeth?
Salesman: It ain't Jesus in a bottle. I use it on mine, they turn brown. No, I'm just kidding.
But no, you just use it on-- for your house.
What's the hardest thing to clean? Would it be carpet, the tile, barbecue grills, the shower doors, that oil and rust in the driveway that's blacker than my mother but not as beautiful, or that calcium right there?
Customer 2: Can I put this on YouTube?
Salesman: Yes, ma'am.
Customer 2: What are you selling?
Salesman: Personality. Customer: Show them.
Salesman: But this sells itself, though. It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner, best thing since cake and ice cream.
Now, unlike Madonna, it's never been touched, so when you put two caps in a bottle--
[customer laughing]
Well, I just come-- most of your neighbors, they just get it 'cause they like me.
Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins? Customer: Yeah.
Salesman: See, I'm takin' his course 'cause this how Jamie Foxx started off, door-to-door.
And he said two years of door-to-door sellin' is the equivalent of four years of college communication, how you interact with different people, that's why half of the neighbors don't buy it 'cause it work; they just buy it 'cause they like my tenacity, 'cause they said it ain't an easy task goin' door to door.
Customer 2: How much is it?
Salesman: I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach ain't never knocked on ya'll door and made you laugh while Mom went and got the camcorder just to tape it, right?
High five, that's all I'm sayin'!
But whatchall do for a livin'? Y'all must be in sales too!
Customer: Kind of. We--
Salesman: I know, 'cause your house bigger than my whole neighborhood! Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson buy from a good one," right?
God bless you.
But that's what I said -- just try the one. You only gotta buy the case today like mail line.
My mom said if you can't get the whole chicken, at least get the wing, right? Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal.
But like I said, you only put two caps, twenty ounces of water. So that one bottle make you 68 sprayers. But you should just save my autograph because by the time you run out, you probably see me on Last Comic Standing, and then you go to eBay and get your money back.
[customer laughing]
Well, 'cause even Jesus said if you give a person a fish, you could feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you could feed him for a lifetime, right?
Customer: Sure.
God bless you, but if y'all had it, what would you try it on first, that right here, or the hard water spot, or just-- just something fun?
Customer: Huh, what? I don't know. How much is it?
Well, the one bottle is just $36 a bottle, and you get a spray bottle -- it makes you 68 bottles.
I just get 50% of that, because if I don't sell nothin' I don't get nothin'. That's why your neighbor, he said, "I'm just gonna get it 'cause you're funny," 'cause the one thing that your neighbors didn't say-- look, right here. You know, all of these cleaners -- this is another joke, though, so tape this one.
But do you know all of these cleaners right here y'all use?
Customer: Uh-huh.
They said this stuff is like a pregnant lady on welfare -- it don't work!
Okay.
You get it? 'Cause you know there's Clorox, Simple Green, 409, Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pinesol, y'all probably use a lot of those, right?
Mm-hmm.
Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier?
Dollar.
High five there! See, you sharper than a Gillette, that's what I'm talking about!
[laughing]
Now, this should be really the check test for y'all, though. Now, Mom, you see our door handle? 4:36