The only thing
that anyone can talk about right now
is journalist Michael Wolff's new book,
which claims to expose the true nature of Trump's White House.
And it sounds like
The Real Housewives of Pennsylvania Avenue.
MAN: News stories about chaos
in the first year of the Trump presidency.
WOMAN: Trump's staffers, allies and family
"came to believe he was incapable of functioning
in his job."
MAN: Wolff writes that aides said
that Mr. Trump didn't read, was no more semiliterate.
Rupert Murdoch is, uh, is quoted calling him an idiot.
WOMAN: Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin
and former chief of staff Reince Priebus
believe Trump to be an idiot.
Gary Cohn regards Trump as dumb as, curse word.
And the president's top national security advisor,
H.R. McMaster considers him a dope.
Wow! Trump's own people think that he's dumb as a watermelon.
I guess the country isn't as divided as it seems.
(laughter)
Now look, if we're being honest, this isn't news.
Everyone already knew
that Trump isn't the fattest fidget spinner out there.
All right? What has been fun
is discovering little details that help us understand
President Trump a little bit more.
For instance, why he eats so much McDonald's.
WOMAN: Trump had a longtime fear of being poisoned.
That's one reason he ate so much McDonald's.
The food was pre-made, and no one knew he was coming.
(laughter)
So let me get... Wait. Let me get this straight.
Trump only trusts food if the people who made it
-had no idea it was for him? -(laughter)
That's why he goes to McDonald's.
Now I can't help but picturing
some random person at McDonald's,
and just before they bite their burger,
the president bursts out of the ball pit and grabs their food.
Just like, "Surprise!
"Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum!
By the way, somebody-- not me-- went potty in the ball pit."
(laughter)
Seriously, half this book seems to be
about Trump and his love of fast food.
Wolff writes when "he was not having his 6:30 dinner
"with Steve Bannon, then, more to his liking,
"he was in bed by that time with a cheeseburger,
watching his three screens and making phone calls."
-At 6:30?! -(laughter)
Like, you almost skip over it
because of the cheeseburger and the three screens.
But he's in bed by 6:30?
I mean, it makes sense in a way.
You need to get your 11 hours in
before your 5:00 a.m. rage tweets, but still.
Like, I wonder if sometimes Trump falls asleep
before he eats the cheeseburger, and then he gets
to wake up in the morning with it on his chest,
and he's just like, "Oh, boy! You waited for me!
Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum!"
Now, this book has tons of stories,
ranging from mildly amusing to salacious,
but the most tragic story has to be this.
WOMAN: Almost everyone on the Trump campaign thought
Mr. Trump would not only not be president.
They thought he should not be president.
Even the president himself, Wolff says,
didn't think he would win.
NEWSMAN: On election night, Wolff quotes Donald Trump Jr.
as telling a friend that his father...
-(laughter) -Wow.
It's so crazy to think that both campaigns
-were crying on election night. -(laughter)
Like, Trump not actually wanting to win the election
would explain so much about the kind of president that he is.
And I will say this, I will say this,
if you believe that he didn't want to win,
then it's hard to believe that he colluded with the Russians.
Right? If anything, instead of trying to shut this book down,
Trump should be sending a copy to Robert Mueller,
to be like, "You see? It exonerates me."
Uh, the part where it says you're an idiot?
"No, no. Go on further. Come on. Further."
Now, obviously, obviously,
the White House is not pleased about this book.
I mean, they aren't pleased with books in general,
but this one... this one is extra...
(like Trump): not nice.
NEWSMAN: White House press secretary, Sarah Sanders,
dismissed the book as trashy tabloid fiction,
and described the president's reaction like this.
I think, um, furious, disgusted would probably certainly fit
when you make such outrageous claims.
It's completely, uh, tabloid gossip,
full of, uh, false and fraudulent claims.
Yeah, you know what's funny is that description
would have been perfect for Trump's voter fraud claims.
And look, as entertaining as it is,
I don't know how much of this book is accurate
and how much is exaggerated, but in a way,
that's what makes it a perfect scandal for this White House.
Bizarre, unverified, fraudulent claims.
This is the world that Donald Trump promotes.
Millions of illegal votes.
Barack Obama born in Kenya.
Ted Cruz's dad killed JFK.
Suggesting Joe Scarborough killed an intern.
Someone who tweeted, "Check out sex tape,"
can't complain about tabloid gossip.
The truth is, Mr. President, you made your bed.
Now eat your cheeseburger in it.