0:00:05.540,0:00:08.986
Josh Pacheco was 17 years old.

0:00:08.986,0:00:12.840
He lived in Michigan[br]with his parents and sisters,

0:00:12.840,0:00:14.773
and by all accounts,

0:00:14.773,0:00:16.349
he was a great kid.

0:00:16.349,0:00:21.352
His sisters described him[br]as funny and entertaining,

0:00:21.352,0:00:25.847
and his parents described him[br]as loving and caring.

0:00:25.847,0:00:28.247
And Josh was also gay,

0:00:28.247,0:00:29.983
and because of that,

0:00:29.983,0:00:33.542
he was bullied severely by his classmates.

0:00:33.986,0:00:37.561
One day, Josh went home,

0:00:37.561,0:00:40.329
went to his garage, got into his truck,

0:00:40.329,0:00:43.232
closed the door,[br]turned on the ignition,

0:00:43.232,0:00:44.831
and killed himself.

0:00:46.621,0:00:50.640
He was found a little bit later[br]with a note next to his body

0:00:50.640,0:00:55.047
that simply said, "I'm sorry,[br]I wasn't able to be strong enough."

0:00:57.709,0:00:59.590
This is Tovanna Holton.

0:00:59.590,0:01:01.673
Tovanna was 15 years old.

0:01:01.673,0:01:03.156
She lived in Florida.

0:01:03.706,0:01:06.398
One day, she broke up with her boyfriend.

0:01:06.398,0:01:10.310
The very next day, he posted[br]a nude video of her on Twitter,

0:01:10.310,0:01:12.828
and you can imagine what happened then.

0:01:12.828,0:01:17.649
Other kids took the video[br]and began circulating it on social media,

0:01:18.199,0:01:20.397
and they began to cyberbully her.

0:01:21.067,0:01:25.134
Tovanna's mother found Tovanna[br]in the bathroom of their home

0:01:25.134,0:01:27.667
with a self-inflicted[br]gunshot wound to her head,

0:01:27.667,0:01:29.132
just a few days later.

0:01:30.742,0:01:35.678
And this is, finally, nine-year-old[br]Jamel Myles, from Denver.

0:01:35.678,0:01:39.680
Just weeks ago, he came out[br]to his mother as gay.

0:01:39.980,0:01:41.850
She was driving him home.

0:01:41.850,0:01:44.333
He was in the back seat of the car.

0:01:44.333,0:01:47.950
He said, "Mommy, I have something[br]really important to tell you. I'm gay."

0:01:47.950,0:01:49.879
And she said, "I love you anyway."

0:01:50.589,0:01:55.219
And she said he looked so scared[br]and so small in the back seat,

0:01:55.219,0:01:59.670
but he told her that he was proud[br]and he wanted to tell his classmates,

0:02:00.110,0:02:01.773
which is what he did.

0:02:01.773,0:02:07.035
And his classmates, in turn, bullied him[br]and told him that he should die.

0:02:07.035,0:02:09.930
Four days later, he hanged himself.

0:02:10.512,0:02:13.928
[Masculinity, possession of the qualities[br]typically associated with men]

0:02:15.558,0:02:18.495
Now, these kids all had something -

0:02:18.495,0:02:20.736
They all came from different backgrounds,

0:02:20.736,0:02:22.931
they came from different[br]parts of the country,

0:02:22.931,0:02:25.304
but they all had at least[br]one thing in common,

0:02:25.304,0:02:29.770
and that is that their lives[br]were cut short

0:02:29.770,0:02:32.575
by what experts have called[br]"hypermasculinity."

0:02:32.575,0:02:36.988
And you might hear the term[br]also referred to as "toxic masculinity."

0:02:36.988,0:02:38.517
Now, before I talk to you more

0:02:38.517,0:02:43.707
about how hypermasculinity plays[br]a negative role in our society

0:02:43.707,0:02:45.627
and how it harms children,

0:02:45.627,0:02:47.789
I want to offer a disclaimer.

0:02:47.789,0:02:50.829
There is nothing wrong[br]with being masculine.

0:02:51.199,0:02:52.518
Okay?

0:02:52.518,0:02:55.822
And there is nothing wrong[br]with being a man,

0:02:56.412,0:02:58.957
fortunately for me[br]and many of you in the audience.

0:03:01.707,0:03:06.038
Masculinity is basically defined[br]as a set of traits

0:03:06.038,0:03:08.325
that are associated with being a man.

0:03:08.325,0:03:11.109
And depending on culture and context,

0:03:11.109,0:03:13.978
some of those traits can be viewed[br]as negative at times,

0:03:13.978,0:03:15.685
other times as positive.

0:03:15.685,0:03:18.787
The same can be said for femininity.

0:03:18.787,0:03:22.861
However, hypermasculinity is often -

0:03:22.861,0:03:26.234
it's basically masculinity on steroids,

0:03:26.234,0:03:32.466
and it's often characterized[br]by a high tolerance level

0:03:32.466,0:03:34.131
for violence and aggression.

0:03:34.131,0:03:37.872
So, those of us who have ever witnessed[br]road-rage incidents,

0:03:37.872,0:03:40.033
or if you have ever been[br]to a fraternity party

0:03:40.033,0:03:42.844
after lots of kegs of beer[br]have been consumed,

0:03:42.844,0:03:47.010
or if we've gone to sports bars[br]during a really important game,

0:03:47.570,0:03:53.055
we may have seen some hypermasculinity[br]on display at that point.

0:03:53.816,0:03:56.779
Hypermasculinity is also characterized

0:03:56.779,0:04:01.421
by a callous disregard[br]for the dignity of women.

0:04:01.421,0:04:05.726
Women sometimes,[br]though hypermasculine behavior,

0:04:05.726,0:04:08.567
are treated as sex objects,

0:04:08.567,0:04:15.542
and this kind of objectification leads[br]to sexual assaults and sexual harassment.

0:04:16.612,0:04:22.517
And finally, hypermasculinity is also[br]characteristic of a sort of stoicism.

0:04:22.517,0:04:28.396
Men who display hypermasculine behavior[br]tend to conceal their emotions.

0:04:28.396,0:04:30.431
They have a hard time "emoting."

0:04:30.431,0:04:32.358
Except for anger, notably.

0:04:32.358,0:04:35.881
But men that have these[br]hypermasculine tendencies

0:04:35.881,0:04:39.142
don't feel like they can show[br]their true feelings

0:04:39.142,0:04:42.694
because to do so shows femininity,

0:04:42.694,0:04:44.141
shows weakness,

0:04:44.141,0:04:46.271
and therefore is bad.

0:04:46.271,0:04:49.182
It's interesting because there's[br]more and more research now

0:04:49.182,0:04:51.909
that shows that hypermasculine behavior

0:04:51.909,0:04:55.923
not only negatively impacts[br]the victims of hypermasculinity,

0:04:55.923,0:05:01.612
which are generally girls, LGBTQ kids,[br]gender-nonconforming people,

0:05:01.612,0:05:06.886
but the biggest victims[br]of hypermasculinity are boys and men,

0:05:06.886,0:05:12.073
because this kind of behavior leads[br]to all kinds of negative consequences,

0:05:12.073,0:05:17.111
from psychological health consequences,[br]physical health consequences,

0:05:17.111,0:05:19.582
increased substance abuse.

0:05:19.582,0:05:21.653
And it's also interesting that, you know,

0:05:21.653,0:05:26.061
some researchers like Niobe Way[br]from New York University

0:05:26.061,0:05:32.334
have linked hypermasculine behavior[br]with loneliness among males.

0:05:32.334,0:05:33.642
American men -

0:05:33.642,0:05:36.310
which is unique in the world among men -

0:05:36.310,0:05:38.788
American men tend to report

0:05:38.788,0:05:41.635
that they either have[br]few other male friends,

0:05:41.635,0:05:43.029
and when they do,

0:05:43.029,0:05:46.145
they have a hard time[br]talking to their male friends

0:05:46.145,0:05:49.670
about important life issues or emotions.

0:05:50.700,0:05:53.574
And this is obviously a problem

0:05:53.574,0:05:56.560
because it leads to all of these[br]negative consequences,

0:05:56.560,0:06:00.538
and it creates sometimes[br]a level of loneliness

0:06:00.538,0:06:03.193
that increases as men age,

0:06:03.193,0:06:07.489
and they report that their level[br]of loneliness increases as they age.

0:06:07.489,0:06:09.672
And public health officials are alarmed

0:06:09.672,0:06:12.957
because loneliness now[br]is seen as a risk factor

0:06:12.957,0:06:16.859
for all kinds of negative[br]health consequences and early death.

0:06:18.386,0:06:21.735
So let me give you an example[br]of something I'm talking about.

0:06:21.735,0:06:26.006
A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Costco,[br]which all of us do, right?

0:06:28.416,0:06:32.232
And I couldn't help but overhear[br]a young father with his son.

0:06:32.232,0:06:34.946
The son was about three of four years old.

0:06:34.946,0:06:36.973
The boy picked up a toy,

0:06:36.973,0:06:39.709
and all I remember[br]was that it was a pink toy.

0:06:39.709,0:06:41.373
I don't remember what it was.

0:06:41.373,0:06:44.094
And without missing a beat,[br]the father said,

0:06:44.094,0:06:46.127
"Put that back. That's for girls."

0:06:46.767,0:06:51.466
And the boy, reflecting his father's[br]disgust and revulsion,

0:06:51.466,0:06:54.741
just threw it back and said,[br]"Yuck, Daddy. That's for girls."

0:06:54.741,0:07:00.769
Now, this kind of attitude[br]leads to hypermasculinity

0:07:00.769,0:07:04.656
and it leads to all of the negative[br]effects that I just talked about,

0:07:04.656,0:07:09.545
and it leads to misogyny,[br]homophobia and transphobia.

0:07:11.465,0:07:15.141
Given what we're experiencing[br]in our world today,

0:07:15.141,0:07:17.663
this issue is taking on more significance.

0:07:17.663,0:07:20.229
Think about the news.[br]What are we hearing?

0:07:20.229,0:07:22.761
We're talking about the Me Too Movement.

0:07:22.761,0:07:26.460
We're talking about rampant gun violence,

0:07:26.460,0:07:32.460
which, by the way, is almost exclusively[br]perpetrated by boys and men.

0:07:32.460,0:07:36.764
And we're talking about what I would[br]consider a hypermasculine culture

0:07:36.764,0:07:38.471
in our White House.

0:07:38.471,0:07:43.534
So it's a very important issue today,[br]and it's taking on more significance.

0:07:44.294,0:07:45.585
So -

0:07:46.255,0:07:47.530
This is me,

0:07:47.530,0:07:50.728
and I'll get to "me"[br]in a little bit, okay?

0:07:50.728,0:07:52.237
(Laughter)

0:07:52.237,0:07:54.381
But, you know,

0:07:54.731,0:07:57.481
I was introduced as a Law professor,[br]I am a Law professor,

0:07:57.481,0:07:58.899
and for many years,

0:07:58.899,0:08:02.385
I've been doing a lot of work[br]on bullying prevention.

0:08:02.385,0:08:04.901
So, early on in my work[br]on bullying prevention -

0:08:04.901,0:08:08.922
and I've trained lots of teachers[br]and administrators around the state -

0:08:08.922,0:08:10.721
early on, I discovered something:

0:08:10.721,0:08:14.261
the vast majority of bullying incidents

0:08:14.261,0:08:19.051
are somehow, in some way,[br]related to hypermasculine behavior.

0:08:19.051,0:08:23.834
Whether the victim is a girl or an LGBTQ

0:08:23.834,0:08:25.608
or a person with a disability

0:08:25.608,0:08:28.671
or even racial, ethnic[br]and religious minorities,

0:08:28.671,0:08:33.750
what I found is that either the motivation[br]for the bullying was hypermasculine

0:08:33.750,0:08:38.048
or the tactics used to bully[br]were hypermasculine.

0:08:38.048,0:08:40.148
And I became even more concerned

0:08:40.148,0:08:43.658
when I started to review[br]bullying-related suicides,

0:08:43.658,0:08:46.024
and these are kids[br]who have taken their lives

0:08:46.024,0:08:48.006
at least in part because of bullying.

0:08:48.006,0:08:51.322
And what I found was that roughly 80%

0:08:51.322,0:08:54.706
of the kids who take their lives[br]because of bullying

0:08:55.274,0:08:59.437
are boys who were gay[br]or perceived to be gay

0:08:59.827,0:09:05.102
and girls who the victims[br]of gender-related or sexual bullying.

0:09:06.312,0:09:10.923
So, this obviously concerned me a lot,

0:09:10.923,0:09:17.944
and I started to pay more attention[br]to how hypermasculine affects our kids.

0:09:18.944,0:09:21.952
What's even more interesting[br]about bullying-prevention programs

0:09:21.952,0:09:24.849
is that they don't discuss[br]or address head-on

0:09:24.849,0:09:28.843
how hypermasculine and rigid gender norms[br]affect our kids in school

0:09:28.843,0:09:31.519
and how we can improve[br]the climate of our schools

0:09:31.519,0:09:34.816
so that we can prevent bullying[br]by addressing these issues.

0:09:34.816,0:09:36.170
We just don't talk about it.

0:09:36.170,0:09:38.190
What drives me crazy is this:

0:09:38.190,0:09:41.545
I have been doing all this work[br]for a lot of years,

0:09:41.545,0:09:42.773
and just a few years ago,

0:09:42.773,0:09:46.980
there was this revelation in society[br]that girls also bully.

0:09:46.980,0:09:48.427
Big surprise.

0:09:49.337,0:09:52.686
And all of a sudden,[br]as a culture, as a society,

0:09:52.686,0:09:55.446
we just, like, lobbed on to that,[br]globbed on to that.

0:09:55.446,0:09:58.131
And we started talking about mean girls,

0:09:58.131,0:09:59.979
and we coined this term "mean grils"

0:09:59.979,0:10:04.543
because, of course, we need[br]another way to vilify girls, right?

0:10:04.543,0:10:07.814
And so, then we made a movie[br]about mean girls,

0:10:07.814,0:10:09.831
and that's all we talk about.

0:10:09.831,0:10:14.411
But the evidence[br]related to bullying is clear.

0:10:14.411,0:10:18.462
Still, the vast majority[br]of bullying perpetrators are boys,

0:10:18.462,0:10:21.196
and the vast majority[br]of bullying victims are boys,

0:10:21.196,0:10:23.527
but we don't talk about scary boys.

0:10:24.077,0:10:26.023
We talk about mean girls.

0:10:27.203,0:10:28.526
So,

0:10:29.106,0:10:30.321
this is me,

0:10:30.801,0:10:32.811
and you can tell maybe from the picture

0:10:32.811,0:10:36.763
that I wasn't the most[br]traditionally masculine kid, right?

0:10:37.263,0:10:40.363
If you ask me why I was posed that way,

0:10:40.363,0:10:43.118
I honestly don't have[br]a good answer for you.

0:10:43.118,0:10:44.791
You'll have to ask my mother.

0:10:45.371,0:10:46.794
But, you know,

0:10:48.804,0:10:50.754
I became very interested in this subject

0:10:50.754,0:10:54.424
when I started to reflect[br]on my own childhood

0:10:54.424,0:10:57.058
and my experiences with hypermasculinity.

0:10:57.058,0:11:01.767
So I grew up in a very loving,[br]large Lebanese American family.

0:11:01.767,0:11:05.240
I had two amazing, wonderful parents,

0:11:05.610,0:11:07.535
three brothers, a sister ...

0:11:07.535,0:11:09.564
I did very well in school.

0:11:09.564,0:11:12.048
I participated in clubs and sports.

0:11:12.048,0:11:15.816
I was a student leader[br]throughout high school and college.

0:11:16.646,0:11:20.193
I had friends, I had girlfriends.

0:11:20.883,0:11:24.076
So my memories should be good[br]of childhood, right?

0:11:25.286,0:11:26.593
They weren't.

0:11:26.593,0:11:31.126
When I think of my childhood,[br]I mostly have negative feelings.

0:11:31.126,0:11:33.639
I was actually a pretty miserable kid,

0:11:33.639,0:11:37.897
and I attribute that to the fact[br]that I did everything in my power

0:11:37.897,0:11:40.818
to conceal the fact that I was gay,

0:11:40.818,0:11:42.443
and I did everything in my power

0:11:42.443,0:11:46.609
to act like what I thought[br]a boy should act like.

0:11:47.039,0:11:52.055
And I'll tell you some[br]of my most memorable experiences,

0:11:52.055,0:11:55.219
and these are memories that are[br]pretty innocuous when you hear them

0:11:55.219,0:11:57.811
and they shouldn't really be[br]that memorable.

0:11:57.811,0:12:00.940
But for me they were,[br]and here are some of them.

0:12:00.940,0:12:02.548
So I remember in the fifth grade,

0:12:02.548,0:12:06.708
I was brushing my friend Cheryl's[br]long blonde hair -

0:12:06.708,0:12:09.393
because that's what[br]ten-year-old boys like to do, right?

0:12:09.393,0:12:10.593
(Laughter)

0:12:11.873,0:12:15.628
And I was brushing her hair,[br]and the teacher, from across the room,

0:12:15.628,0:12:19.140
yelled at me and said,[br]"Robby Salem, put that brush down.

0:12:19.140,0:12:21.834
Boys don't brush girls' hair."

0:12:21.834,0:12:25.281
And I was devastated, I was just deflated.

0:12:25.281,0:12:28.598
And I wasn't just devastated[br]because Cheryl's hair was a mess.

0:12:28.598,0:12:29.885
but because -

0:12:29.885,0:12:31.629
(Laughter)

0:12:31.629,0:12:32.891
because -

0:12:32.891,0:12:34.126
(Laughter)

0:12:34.126,0:12:38.226
I felt like I did something wrong,[br]I committed a sin,

0:12:38.226,0:12:40.546
and I didn't even know what it was.

0:12:40.546,0:12:41.791
I'll tell you time -

0:12:41.791,0:12:44.750
another memory I had[br]was when I walked into school -

0:12:44.750,0:12:46.634
this was probably in the sixth grade,

0:12:46.634,0:12:49.703
and I was wearing my cherry-red pants.

0:12:50.153,0:12:53.253
And a teacher called me up to the front,

0:12:53.253,0:12:55.820
and in front of a couple[br]of other kids, she said,

0:12:55.820,0:13:00.835
"Robby, don't wear those pants again.[br]Boys don't dress that way."

0:13:02.324,0:13:05.598
Now, I will give her this much:[br]the pants were hideous.

0:13:05.598,0:13:06.660
(Laughter)

0:13:06.660,0:13:10.869
And they were also corduroys.[br]So, visualize that.

0:13:11.329,0:13:14.703
But still, that was pretty cruel.

0:13:14.703,0:13:16.858
And then, I remember[br]the time in middle school

0:13:16.858,0:13:20.077
that I was carrying my books[br]in front of my body like this,

0:13:20.077,0:13:23.411
and a boy in the hallway[br]laughed at me and called me a girl.

0:13:23.781,0:13:27.340
And you'd better believe[br]that from that point on,

0:13:27.340,0:13:29.167
I carried my books on my side.

0:13:29.167,0:13:31.620
And this was before backpacks[br]were a big thing,

0:13:31.620,0:13:33.484
so that's how we carried our books.

0:13:33.484,0:13:37.264
And you know, I just thought it was more[br]practical to carry your books this way,

0:13:37.264,0:13:38.944
but apparently not if you're a boy.

0:13:38.944,0:13:41.599
So, those memories sort of pale

0:13:41.599,0:13:45.001
in comparison to some of the other things[br]I overheard and experienced,

0:13:45.001,0:13:46.647
like the time in high school

0:13:46.647,0:13:50.923
when I overheard a group of boys[br]laughing in the hallway

0:13:50.923,0:13:54.320
and talking about a disease[br]that is going around,

0:13:54.320,0:13:56.045
"killing all the fags."

0:13:57.365,0:13:58.858
So,

0:13:58.858,0:14:00.818
I tried really hard to fit in.

0:14:01.168,0:14:02.869
I did my best,

0:14:03.419,0:14:08.789
and, I mean, I even pretended[br]that I liked watching sports on TV

0:14:08.789,0:14:11.413
with my three sports-loving brothers.

0:14:11.413,0:14:13.119
Even baseball.

0:14:13.119,0:14:16.398
So, it was tough. It was tough.

0:14:16.398,0:14:20.167
And I did my best, but I was miserable.

0:14:20.167,0:14:24.702
And like Josh, Tovanna, and Jamel[br]who I showed you earlier,

0:14:24.702,0:14:26.821
I often wanted to take my life.

0:14:27.481,0:14:28.739
So,

0:14:29.709,0:14:31.029
you know,

0:14:31.689,0:14:33.339
a few years ago,

0:14:34.679,0:14:37.639
I started looking at pop culture

0:14:37.639,0:14:42.195
and the messages that we receive,[br]that kids receive in pop culture.

0:14:42.195,0:14:47.025
And think about the blockbuster movies,[br]the movies that are most popular,

0:14:47.025,0:14:50.286
not the best movies,[br]but the movies that are most popular.

0:14:50.286,0:14:54.470
If you Google blockbuster movies[br]of 2017 and 2018,

0:14:54.470,0:14:57.835
what you're going to see[br]are all kinds of films

0:14:57.835,0:15:01.629
that typify this hypermasculine behavior[br]that I am talking about.

0:15:01.629,0:15:04.545
These are films often[br]with leading male characters

0:15:04.545,0:15:09.396
who are tall, and muscular,[br]and tough, and stoic,

0:15:09.396,0:15:12.433
and there's usually a woman[br]or a girl in the movie

0:15:12.433,0:15:17.806
that's going to ultimately become[br]his romantic or sex partner.

0:15:17.806,0:15:23.098
And you see fantastic explosions,[br]and fast cars, and police chases,

0:15:23.098,0:15:26.318
and these are the most popular movies.

0:15:26.318,0:15:31.232
And the film and TV industry is not[br]the only industry that's guilty of this.

0:15:31.232,0:15:33.704
Here are some more movies,

0:15:33.704,0:15:37.223
but the music industry is guilty of this,

0:15:37.713,0:15:40.797
the ad industry is guilty of this.

0:15:41.317,0:15:44.582
What the ad industry does[br]when they want to target men

0:15:44.582,0:15:48.866
is to talk about how men[br]can reclaim their manhood.

0:15:49.776,0:15:51.235
"Men are back."

0:15:52.085,0:15:54.929
"Consider your man card reissued."

0:15:55.989,0:15:59.687
"Spray more Axe cologne and get more."

0:16:00.677,0:16:01.899
Get more what?

0:16:01.899,0:16:03.179
Imagine.

0:16:03.179,0:16:04.407
(Laughter)

0:16:04.407,0:16:07.757
And this problem also exists[br]in our video game industry,

0:16:07.757,0:16:10.759
which is a real problem[br]for our young men today.

0:16:10.759,0:16:16.858
And of course, we see it often displayed[br]in the sports industry.

0:16:17.678,0:16:19.055
So,

0:16:19.747,0:16:23.689
a couple of years ago,[br]the New York Times conducted a study on -

0:16:25.319,0:16:27.830
featured, that is, Michael Kimmel,[br]who is a scholar.

0:16:27.830,0:16:33.095
And Michael Kimmel would pull his students[br]and he would ask them on a regular basis,

0:16:33.095,0:16:36.492
"Describe what a good man is,[br]and describe what a real man is."

0:16:36.492,0:16:39.054
And over time, he saw themes emerging.

0:16:39.054,0:16:42.208
And here's what he found:

0:16:42.208,0:16:47.868
that his students often described[br]a good man as honest, caring and selfless,

0:16:47.868,0:16:51.056
and the same students[br]would describe a real man

0:16:51.056,0:16:54.885
as a take charge, risk taker,[br]authoritative,

0:16:54.885,0:16:58.464
never cry and don't show weakness.

0:16:58.464,0:17:01.156
So it's no wonder that men[br]and boys are confused,

0:17:01.156,0:17:02.994
and girls and women for that matter.

0:17:02.994,0:17:06.035
Can you be a good man and a real man?

0:17:07.105,0:17:10.701
It's really an open question[br]in our society.

0:17:10.701,0:17:13.345
There's all kinds of research[br]that is really interesting

0:17:13.345,0:17:15.909
about how we treat boys[br]and girls differently

0:17:15.909,0:17:18.391
based on our perceptions[br]of how they should behave,

0:17:18.391,0:17:19.687
according to their gender.

0:17:19.687,0:17:24.460
There's a fascinating study[br]that was conducted by scholar Terry Rial.

0:17:24.460,0:17:26.549
He showed a video of a crying baby

0:17:26.549,0:17:30.020
to hundreds of adult[br]participants in this study.

0:17:30.630,0:17:33.812
For some of the adults,[br]he said the baby was a girl.

0:17:33.812,0:17:36.914
Other adults, he said the baby was a boy.

0:17:37.394,0:17:43.527
And he asked the adults to describe[br]what emotion the baby was conveying.

0:17:43.527,0:17:44.863
Overwhelmingly,

0:17:44.863,0:17:50.317
the adults who thought the baby was a girl[br]described her as scared, fearful.

0:17:50.317,0:17:54.148
The adults who thought the baby was a boy[br]described him as angry.

0:17:55.678,0:17:58.766
So it goes without saying[br]and it's pretty logical

0:17:58.766,0:18:01.126
that we treat our kids differently.

0:18:01.636,0:18:04.133
Well-intentioned parents[br]treat their kids differently

0:18:04.133,0:18:08.248
based on how we think they should behave,[br]according to their gender.

0:18:08.248,0:18:11.159
Now, there's all kinds[br]of surveys out there

0:18:11.159,0:18:16.691
that address what are the most[br]injurious words that kids experience.

0:18:16.691,0:18:21.023
When kids want to hurt other kids,[br]what do they hear? What do they use?

0:18:21.023,0:18:23.107
These are the most common insults.

0:18:23.647,0:18:25.389
This is what hurts kids.

0:18:25.389,0:18:30.818
"Whore," "bitch," "slut,"[br]"fag," "gay," retard,"

0:18:31.148,0:18:34.707
all motivated by hypermasculinity.

0:18:35.337,0:18:36.703
So it's no wonder

0:18:36.703,0:18:41.506
that 85% of LGBTQ kids[br]report being bullied in school.

0:18:41.506,0:18:42.799
It's no wonder

0:18:42.799,0:18:47.716
that 83% of girls report[br]being sexually harassed in school.

0:18:47.716,0:18:49.094
It's no wonder

0:18:49.094,0:18:53.949
that an estimated[br]5.4 million students skip school

0:18:53.949,0:18:56.505
on a regular basis during the school year

0:18:56.505,0:18:58.889
because they don't want[br]to confront their bullies.

0:18:58.889,0:19:00.460
And get this:

0:19:00.460,0:19:01.827
according to one study,

0:19:01.827,0:19:07.205
most adolescent girls fear gaining weight[br]more than they fear cancer, nuclear war

0:19:07.205,0:19:08.862
and losing a parent.

0:19:08.862,0:19:10.222
We have a problem, folks,

0:19:10.222,0:19:12.402
and we need to start[br]taking this seriously.

0:19:12.402,0:19:15.922
The problem doesn't have an easy solution.

0:19:15.922,0:19:17.964
We're not going to resolve this overnight.

0:19:17.964,0:19:22.267
But I think we can all do something[br]in our own small ways.

0:19:22.267,0:19:25.766
We can affect the people around us,[br]the circle of people around us,

0:19:25.766,0:19:27.754
by behaving in certain ways

0:19:27.754,0:19:30.390
and being more aware[br]of these toxic messages.

0:19:30.390,0:19:34.763
First of all, let's acknowledge[br]that hypermasculinity is a problem.

0:19:34.763,0:19:36.063
Let's also acknowledge

0:19:36.063,0:19:40.743
that misogyny, homophobia[br]and transphobia are inextricably linked.

0:19:40.743,0:19:42.528
We're all in this together.

0:19:42.528,0:19:45.803
Whether you're a man, woman,[br]boy, girl, gay, straight.

0:19:45.803,0:19:49.363
We're all in this together[br]because this is harmful to society.

0:19:49.363,0:19:50.881
And in our own little way,

0:19:50.881,0:19:55.116
if you see a woman or a girl[br]being harassed in the street -

0:19:55.116,0:19:58.224
if you're comfortable, intervene.

0:19:58.224,0:20:01.733
If you hear a homophobic joke[br]being told in the locker room,

0:20:01.733,0:20:06.501
do the brave thing and call it out[br]for what it is: offensive.

0:20:06.981,0:20:11.643
If your son wants to buy[br]a pink toy at Costco,

0:20:12.553,0:20:16.457
either buy it for him[br]or at least don't shame him.

0:20:18.147,0:20:22.107
I want to leave you with these faces:[br]Josh, Tovanna and Jamel.

0:20:22.107,0:20:24.658
I hope we don't just remember them today;

0:20:24.658,0:20:26.588
I hope we honor them.

0:20:26.588,0:20:29.884
Let's honor them[br]by all changing our outlook

0:20:29.884,0:20:32.539
on the messages that we receive,

0:20:32.539,0:20:36.923
and let's all be more aware[br]and help our kids.

0:20:36.923,0:20:41.585
And if we can just start

0:20:41.585,0:20:44.185
helping boys and men learn

0:20:48.475,0:20:50.564
that in order to be a real man,

0:20:50.564,0:20:53.970
you have to start by being a good man.

0:20:53.970,0:20:55.247
Thank you.

0:20:55.247,0:20:57.161
(Applause) (Cheering)