0:00:04.283,0:00:05.480 I would like to talk to you 0:00:05.480,0:00:07.230 about the sausage principle 0:00:08.129,0:00:10.285 the theory that says if you love something,[br] 0:00:10.375,0:00:12.111 never find out how it was made. 0:00:12.111,0:00:15.349 Well, tonight, I would like to show you my sausage. 0:00:15.354,0:00:20.101 wait, wait, wait, wait... 0:00:20.101,0:00:22.169 This is my sausage: 0:00:22.771,0:00:25.690 The 2014 Fifa World Cup 0:00:25.749,0:00:28.154 Ooh My God!!!! 0:00:28.154,0:00:31.414 Ok, the World Cup starts this week 0:00:31.414,0:00:34.243 and I am both excited and extremely conflicted about it. 0:00:34.282,0:00:35.983 Now, I know, in America, 0:00:35.983,0:00:38.931 Soccer is something you pick your ten year old daughter up from. 0:00:38.931,0:00:42.172 but...but for me and everyone else on earth 0:00:42.172,0:00:44.116 It's a little more important. 0:00:44.116,0:00:47.342 Soccer had become Brazil's religion. 0:00:47.342,0:00:50.801 In Colombia, soccer was a religion. 0:00:50.801,0:00:52.177 Football is a religion here 0:00:52.177,0:00:55.205 Soccer, or Football like we say, 0:00:55.205,0:00:56.693 it's a religion. 0:00:56.693,0:00:58.699 Yeah, and they're not exaggerating. 0:00:58.699,0:01:01.303 When David Beckham got a tatoo of Jesus, 0:01:01.303,0:01:03.007 the response of most soccer fans was, 0:01:03.007,0:01:05.329 that's huge for Jesus. 0:01:06.360,0:01:08.563 ...that's a big deal for him. 0:01:10.003,0:01:12.527 Here's my conflict: 0:01:12.527,0:01:14.866 The World Cup is one of my favorite things 0:01:14.866,0:01:18.871 but it's organized by these guys: FIFA[br] 0:01:18.871,0:01:20.785 You either know it as the 0:01:20.785,0:01:24.113 Fédération Internationale de Football Association. 0:01:24.113,0:01:28.272 Or, that soccer video game you have. 0:01:28.272,0:01:30.732 But for Americans viewers who may never 0:01:30.732,0:01:31.801 have encountered them, 0:01:31.801,0:01:34.867 FIFA is a comically grotesque organization. 0:01:34.867,0:01:37.944 In fact, telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA 0:01:37.964,0:01:39.484 For the first time, is a bit like 0:01:39.494,0:01:41.558 showing someone "two girls one cup" 0:01:41.558,0:01:44.130 You do it mainly so you can watch the 0:01:44.130,0:01:46.447 horrified expression on people's faces. 0:01:46.447,0:01:50.121 Because let's start where FIFA is current World Cup 0:01:50.121,0:01:51.365 is about to take place. 0:01:51.707,0:01:55.698 Brazil. Brazilians are excited about everything. 0:01:55.698,0:01:57.687 This is how they celebrate 0:01:57.687,0:02:00.436 the fact that it's just about to be Lent. 0:02:01.726,0:02:05.402 They love the concept of giving up chocolate temporarily. 0:02:05.402,0:02:08.758 They're also the biggest soccer fans on earth. 0:02:08.758,0:02:10.108 So they must be thrilled 0:02:10.108,0:02:12.023 at the prospect of hosting the World Cup. 0:02:12.213,0:02:15.570 It's been months of unrest in some of the city's favelas 0:02:15.570,0:02:19.586 or slums with clashes between police and residents. 0:02:20.028,0:02:22.497 Here people demonstrated against Brazil holding 0:02:22.497,0:02:23.612 The World Cup 0:02:23.612,0:02:24.701 That makes no sense. 0:02:24.701,0:02:26.514 Why would you be unhappy hosting 0:02:26.514,0:02:29.525 the thing that you love the most in all the world? 0:02:29.930,0:02:31.279 The government has spent more 0:02:31.279,0:02:33.338 than eleven billion dollars getting ready. 0:02:33.338,0:02:35.062 The United States team will play its 0:02:35.062,0:02:37.149 second game here in the city of Manaus. 0:02:37.149,0:02:41.445 In this brand new $270 million dollar stadium. 0:02:41.803,0:02:44.723 Manaus is so remote that it's almost impossible 0:02:44.723,0:02:46.117 to reach by car. 0:02:46.117,0:02:47.996 Which is why officials had to have 0:02:47.996,0:02:50.265 the stadium materials brought in by boat. 0:02:50.464,0:02:52.752 Shipped across the Atlantic from Portugal 0:02:52.752,0:02:54.352 and up the Amazon River. 0:02:54.352,0:02:57.069 OK, that does seem like a waste of money 0:02:57.069,0:02:59.617 especially when you consider that that stadium 0:02:59.617,0:03:02.309 is only going to be used for four World Cup games. 0:03:02.414,0:03:05.755 There's also no team in Manaus that can fill it afterwards, 0:03:05.755,0:03:07.970 at which point it becomes the world's 0:03:07.970,0:03:10.939 most expensive bird toilet 0:03:10.939,0:03:13.264 No wonder brazilians are so upset, 0:03:13.264,0:03:15.429 Especially when you think about what they are actually 0:03:15.429,0:03:17.022 getting in return. 0:03:17.022,0:03:20.209 Well, and they're going to make money as well... 0:03:20.209,0:03:22.898 Well actually, FIFA makes the money. 0:03:22.898,0:03:24.114 This is where the controversy is. 0:03:24.114,0:03:26.315 The country usually doesn't make money. 0:03:26.315,0:03:28.553 FIFA, the organization of the World Cup, 0:03:28.553,0:03:29.904 is who makes the money. 0:03:29.904,0:03:32.572 Brazil, let me put this in terms you might understand. 0:03:32.572,0:03:36.846 Think of money as pubic hair and FIFA as wax. 0:03:36.846,0:03:40.426 Oh, they're going to be all over you during the World Cup 0:03:40.426,0:03:43.900 but when they go, they're taking all the money with them. 0:03:43.900,0:03:45.436 Including some from places 0:03:45.436,0:03:48.039 you didn't even know you had any money, 0:03:48.409,0:03:50.240 leaving you teary-eyed going, 0:03:50.240,0:03:51.992 "Jesus, what happened here." 0:03:51.992,0:03:54.085 "What, what happened!" 0:03:54.085,0:03:56.621 I'm never doing this again. 0:03:56.621,0:03:59.553 Because here are FIFA's tax demands 0:03:59.553,0:04:01.238 for prospective host countries. 0:04:01.238,0:04:03.907 It is FIFA and its FIFA subsidiaries that are 0:04:03.907,0:04:07.269 fully exempt from any tax whatsoever levied 0:04:07.269,0:04:08.771 at whatever level. 0:04:08.771,0:04:12.149 State level, municipality level, all sorts of taxes. 0:04:12.149,0:04:14.282 Consumption taxes, income taxes, 0:04:14.282,0:04:16.076 you name it, it's all exempt. 0:04:16.076,0:04:18.795 That's right, by Brazil's own estimate, 0:04:18.795,0:04:23.215 they're allowing FIFA to forego $250 million dollars in taxes 0:04:23.215,0:04:25.501 Somewhere, Wesley Snipes is going: 0:04:25.501,0:04:28.137 "So soccer was the answer!" 0:04:28.137,0:04:32.792 "Oh, God, it seems so obvious now" 0:04:32.792,0:04:35.170 Now FIFA says they leave a lot behind. 0:04:35.170,0:04:37.334 Which they do, like, new laws 0:04:37.334,0:04:40.966 because you see once upon a time Brazil did this: 0:04:40.966,0:04:44.542 In 2003, the Brazilian government banned alcohol 0:04:44.542,0:04:47.105 from stadiums because of the enormously high 0:04:47.105,0:04:49.339 death rate amongst fans. 0:04:49.339,0:04:51.154 Well that seems like a good idea! 0:04:51.154,0:04:53.734 Potentially life saving even! 0:04:53.734,0:04:55.782 The only problem is, Budweiser, 0:04:55.782,0:04:57.587 is one of FIFA's key sponsors. 0:04:57.587,0:04:58.737 and they sell a product 0:04:58.737,0:05:01.316 they reflexively insist on calling: beer. 0:05:01.316,0:05:06.331 and FIFA seemed anxious to protect Budweiser 0:05:06.331,0:05:08.638 from a law designed to protect people. 0:05:08.638,0:05:11.499 Which is why the FIFA secretary general went to Brazil 0:05:11.499,0:05:12.752 with a simple message: 0:05:12.752,0:05:14.172 "I'm sorry to say, 0:05:14.172,0:05:16.864 and maybe I look a bit arrogant, but that's something 0:05:16.864,0:05:18.965 we will not negotiate. I mean there will be, 0:05:18.965,0:05:22.873 and there must be, as part of the law, the fact that we 0:05:22.873,0:05:25.564 have the right to sell beer. 0:05:25.564,0:05:28.709 Yes uh, maybe I look a bit arrogant but, uh, 0:05:28.709,0:05:34.465 how you say, uh, fuck your laws and your public safety. 0:05:34.465,0:05:36.231 Is that right? 0:05:36.421,0:05:39.339 And the amazing thing is here, FIFA won. 0:05:39.385,0:05:42.099 They successfully pressured Brazil into passing 0:05:42.099,0:05:46.954 a so called "Budweiser Bill," allowing beer sales in soccer stadiums. 0:05:46.954,0:05:49.225 and at this point you can either be horrified by that 0:05:49.225,0:05:51.294 or relieved that FIFA wasn't also 0:05:51.294,0:05:54.061 sponsored by cocaine and chainsaws. 0:05:54.951,0:05:58.837 And Brazil, Brazil is lucky. 0:05:58.837,0:06:00.697 Brazil's lucky, at least they 0:06:00.697,0:06:03.063 just had FIFA force alcohol on them. 0:06:03.063,0:06:05.846 When South Africa hosted the world cup four years ago, 0:06:05.846,0:06:09.499 FIFA forced the creation of the FIFA World Cup Courts 0:06:09.499,0:06:11.698 Which sound funny, you know it's like 0:06:11.698,0:06:12.860 going to the World Series and being 0:06:12.860,0:06:15.235 dragged in front of judge Philly Phanatic. 0:06:15.235,0:06:19.474 Except, FIFAs courts were no joke. 0:06:19.474,0:06:22.182 Two Zimbabweans who robbed foreign journalists 0:06:22.182,0:06:24.711 on a Wednesday. Were arrested on a Thursday. 0:06:24.711,0:06:28.571 And began fifteen year jail sentences the next day. 0:06:28.571,0:06:31.471 That is unsettlingly fast. 0:06:31.679,0:06:33.732 That's like when you order chinese food 0:06:33.732,0:06:35.364 and it comes five minutes later. 0:06:35.364,0:06:38.552 "Uh, thanks very much but that was too quick!" 0:06:38.836,0:06:42.473 "You didn't have time to make this properly" 0:06:43.228,0:06:47.013 And there is a certain irony in FIFA setting up any 0:06:47.013,0:06:49.368 kind of justice system given the scandals 0:06:49.368,0:06:51.554 that have dogged it over the years. 0:06:51.907,0:06:54.272 "Football's governing body has tried to tackle its 0:06:54.272,0:06:57.444 shady inner workings by suspending two executives 0:06:57.444,0:06:58.869 on corruption charges 0:06:58.869,0:07:00.461 The FIFA scandal rumbles on. 0:07:00.481,0:07:03.682 Jack Warner, who was at the center of bribery accusations 0:07:03.682,0:07:05.348 has resigned as Vice-President. 0:07:05.348,0:07:07.519 There've been so many corruption scandals that 0:07:07.519,0:07:08.516 FIFA have had to deal with 0:07:08.516,0:07:11.907 Bribery and FIFA go together like peanut butter and jelly." 0:07:12.361,0:07:15.091 Yeah, but they shouldn't though. 0:07:15.091,0:07:16.843 Peanut butter and jelly are supposed 0:07:16.843,0:07:17.849 to go together. 0:07:17.849,0:07:19.940 Fifa and bribery should go together like 0:07:19.940,0:07:23.141 peanut butter and a child with a deadly nut alergy. 0:07:23.141,0:07:24.695 "NO, TREVOR, NO! " 0:07:24.695,0:07:27.596 "That's for your brother!" 0:07:27.752,0:07:31.277 And if you think FIFA can't get any more 0:07:31.277,0:07:32.976 cartoonishly evil. 0:07:32.976,0:07:36.860 This is their headquarter's actual boardroom. 0:07:36.860,0:07:39.418 That's right, FIFA apparenty modeled 0:07:39.418,0:07:41.473 where they meet on the war room from 0:07:41.473,0:07:43.640 "Doctor Strange Love" 0:07:43.640,0:07:46.697 That is exhibit A for an organization that does 0:07:46.697,0:07:49.111 not give a shit what you think about them. 0:07:49.111,0:07:53.079 And yet, the head of FIFA maintains that they are merely 0:07:53.079,0:07:55.785 a humble non-profit organization. 0:07:55.785,0:07:58.473 "We are a non-profit organization. 0:07:58.473,0:08:01.151 and we have to remain a non-profit organization." 0:08:01.151,0:08:03.343 "A non-profit with over a billion dollars in the bank?" 0:08:03.343,0:08:06.503 "Yeah but it is a reserve." 0:08:07.240,0:08:08.722 A reserve? 0:08:08.722,0:08:10.937 A reserve of a billion dollars? 0:08:10.937,0:08:13.350 When your rainy day fund is so big 0:08:13.350,0:08:16.666 you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, 0:08:16.666,0:08:20.540 you might not be a non-profit anymore. 0:08:20.540,0:08:25.291 That by the way...that man, the man you just saw 0:08:25.291,0:08:27.813 Is Sepp Blatter and even his name 0:08:27.813,0:08:29.316 should have been a red flag. 0:08:29.316,0:08:32.071 If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum, 0:08:32.071,0:08:34.349 you've strangled someone in a bar fight. 0:08:34.349,0:08:35.827 That's just a fact. 0:08:35.827,0:08:39.394 And let me just give you a taste of Sepp Blatter 0:08:39.394,0:08:40.735 as a human being. 0:08:40.735,0:08:43.738 "Recently he was asked how should women's soccer 0:08:43.738,0:08:44.906 be made more popular? 0:08:44.906,0:08:47.629 He said: "Well, they should wear shorter shorts." 0:08:47.629,0:08:51.150 Great idea, put the ladies in hot pants, 0:08:51.150,0:08:53.915 call it "Foxy Soccer," and uh, while your at it, 0:08:53.915,0:08:55.099 Tighten up the jerseys, 0:08:55.099,0:08:56.846 maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings, 0:08:56.846,0:09:00.397 and --Fuck it, let's just open a hooters. 0:09:01.242,0:09:06.460 FIFA. FIFA, the humble non-profit 0:09:06.738,0:09:09.639 Even recently spent $27 million dollars 0:09:09.639,0:09:11.794 to fun "United Passions," 0:09:11.794,0:09:14.131 a fictionalized version of their history 0:09:14.131,0:09:17.974 starring, for some reason, Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter. 0:09:17.974,0:09:22.706 And this movie, like FIFA itself, looks terrible. 0:09:23.050,0:09:23.959 "We'll be... 0:09:23.959,0:09:29.581 The Fédération Internationale de Football Association. FIFA[br] 0:09:29.581,0:09:33.898 The first World Cup will be held in, Uruguay. 0:09:33.898,0:09:36.191 You have everything you need to run our family, 0:09:37.241,0:09:40.269 but you know, the slightest error, and you're out." 0:09:41.665,0:09:44.195 Who makes a sports film where the heroes 0:09:44.195,0:09:45.973 are the executives? 0:09:46.429,0:09:48.422 And the crazy thing is, 0:09:48.422,0:09:50.951 you don't need two hours and Tim Roth. 0:09:50.951,0:09:52.919 Because the greatest film about Sepp Blatter 0:09:52.919,0:09:54.325 has already been made. 0:09:54.325,0:09:55.783 It's ten seconds long, 0:09:55.783,0:09:57.472 and it's on YouTube. 0:10:06.070,0:10:10.701 That is. Wonderfully, that is the one time 0:10:10.701,0:10:12.147 you can genuinely say: 0:10:12.147,0:10:15.463 "I'm glad that old man fell off that stage." 0:10:15.463,0:10:19.047 But perhaps the worst part of FIFA is not even it's past 0:10:19.047,0:10:21.109 or its present. It's its future. 0:10:21.109,0:10:23.997 Because the host of the 2022 World Cup 0:10:23.997,0:10:25.815 has already been decided. 0:10:26.171,0:10:34.546 "The winner, to organize the 2022 FIFA world cup is: Qatar" 0:10:36.177,0:10:37.741 Qatar? 0:10:37.741,0:10:40.061 There's between one and fifty reasons 0:10:40.061,0:10:42.006 why that is an awful idea. 0:10:42.663,0:10:44.404 Summer temperatures in Qatar can reach 0:10:44.404,0:10:46.452 some 50 degrees Celsius. 0:10:46.452,0:10:49.256 A difficult environment to hold a professional sporting 0:10:49.256,0:10:50.473 event outdoors. 0:10:50.774,0:10:55.950 50 degrees Celsius is 122 degrees Fahrenheit. 0:10:55.950,0:10:57.838 You are hosting the World Cup somewhere where 0:10:57.838,0:11:00.291 soccer cannot physically be played. 0:11:00.291,0:11:05.207 That's like if the NFL chose to host the Superbowl in a lake. 0:11:05.207,0:11:08.842 Now, there are now allegations that some FIFA executives 0:11:08.842,0:11:11.058 took bribes to put the World Cup in Qatar 0:11:11.058,0:11:13.903 and I hope that's true because otherwise, 0:11:13.903,0:11:16.205 it makes literally no sense. 0:11:16.535,0:11:18.077 ...and not just because of the weather, 0:11:18.197,0:11:20.427 but because of the working conditions. 0:11:21.075,0:11:23.892 Qatar is a slave state in the 21st century. 0:11:23.892,0:11:28.100 A migrant worker can't leave the country without an exit visa. 0:11:28.100,0:11:31.548 That visa has to be approved by his employer. 0:11:31.548,0:11:33.141 Who has your passport? 0:11:35.583,0:11:36.441 So you're trapped here? 0:11:37.498,0:11:39.487 We've got coffins coming home every day 0:11:39.487,0:11:43.154 More than a worker per day on average, is dying. 0:11:43.546,0:11:46.608 Conservatively, from the figures of just two countries, 0:11:46.608,0:11:52.477 India and Nepal, more than 4,000 workers will die 0:11:52.477,0:11:55.996 before a ball is kicked off in 2022. 0:11:56.777,0:11:58.669 So what you're essentially saying is... 0:11:58.669,0:12:01.640 the Qatar World Cup is shaping up to be the most deadly 0:12:01.640,0:12:05.136 middle-east construction project since this one. 0:12:05.136,0:12:08.219 And by this point, I hope I've proven to you 0:12:08.219,0:12:10.644 that FIFA is just appalling. 0:12:10.644,0:12:13.274 And yet, here's their power: 0:12:13.730,0:12:18.291 I am still so excited about the World Cup next week! 0:12:18.291,0:12:22.259 And it's very hard to justify how I can get so much joy 0:12:22.259,0:12:24.592 from an organization that's caused so much pain, 0:12:24.592,0:12:27.701 other than going back to right where we started. 0:12:28.644,0:12:32.327 "Soccer, or Football, like we say, it's a religion." 0:12:33.102,0:12:34.296 But it's not just that. 0:12:34.296,0:12:36.104 It's an organized religion, 0:12:36.104,0:12:37.919 and FIFA is it's church. 0:12:38.621,0:12:39.656 Just think about it. 0:12:39.656,0:12:41.363 It's leader is infallible, 0:12:41.363,0:12:43.865 It compels South American countries to spend money 0:12:43.865,0:12:46.275 they don't have building opulent Cathedrals, 0:12:46.767,0:12:48.911 and it may ultimately be responsible for the deaths 0:12:48.911,0:12:51.380 of shocking numbers of people in the Middle East. 0:12:52.317,0:12:59.116 But...but...but...but for millions of people, around the world 0:12:59.116,0:13:02.592 like me, it is also the guardian of the only thing that 0:13:02.592,0:13:04.794 gives their lives any meaning. 0:13:05.987,0:13:08.432 And if that comparison does not make Americans 0:13:08.432,0:13:10.997 love soccer, then frankly nothing will.