I would like to talk to you
about the sausage principle
the theory that says if you love something,
never find out how it was made.
Well, tonight, I would like to show you my sausage.
wait, wait, wait, wait...
This is my sausage:
The 2014 Fifa World Cup
Ooh My God!!!!
Ok, the World Cup starts this week
and I am both excited and extremely conflicted about it.
Now, I know, in America,
Soccer is something you pick your ten year old daughter up from.
but...but for me and everyone else on earth
It's a little more important.
Soccer had become Brazil's religion.
In Colombia, soccer was a religion.
Football is a religion here
Soccer, or Football like we say,
it's a religion.
Yeah, and they're not exaggerating.
When David Beckham got a tatoo of Jesus,
the response of most soccer fans was,
that's huge for Jesus.
...that's a big deal for him.
Here's my conflict:
The World Cup is one of my favorite things
but it's organized by these guys: FIFA
You either know it as the
Fédération Internationale de Football Association.
Or, that soccer video game you have.
But for Americans viewers who may never
have encountered them,
FIFA is a comically grotesque organization.
In fact, telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA
For the first time, is a bit like
showing someone "two girls one cup"
You do it mainly so you can watch the
horrified expression on people's faces.
Because let's start where FIFA is current World Cup
is about to take place.
Brazil. Brazilians are excited about everything.
This is how they celebrate
the fact that it's just about to be Lent.
They love the concept of giving up chocolate temporarily.
They're also the biggest soccer fans on earth.
So they must be thrilled
at the prospect of hosting the World Cup.
It's been months of unrest in some of the city's favelas
or slums with clashes between police and residents.
Here people demonstrated against Brazil holding
The World Cup
That makes no sense.
Why would you be unhappy hosting
the thing that you love the most in all the world?
The government has spent more
than eleven billion dollars getting ready.
The United States team will play its
second game here in the city of Manaus.
In this brand new $270 million dollar stadium.
Manaus is so remote that it's almost impossible
to reach by car.
Which is why officials had to have
the stadium materials brought in by boat.
Shipped across the Atlantic from Portugal
and up the Amazon River.
OK, that does seem like a waste of money
especially when you consider that that stadium
is only going to be used for four World Cup games.
There's also no team in Manaus that can fill it afterwards,
at which point it becomes the world's
most expensive bird toilet
No wonder brazilians are so upset,
Especially when you think about what they are actually
getting in return.
Well, and they're going to make money as well...
Well actually, FIFA makes the money.
This is where the controversy is.
The country usually doesn't make money.
FIFA, the organization of the World Cup,
is who makes the money.
Brazil, let me put this in terms you might understand.
Think of money as pubic hair and FIFA as wax.
Oh, they're going to be all over you during the World Cup
but when they go, they're taking all the money with them.
Including some from places
you didn't even know you had any money,
leaving you teary-eyed going,
"Jesus, what happened here."
"What, what happened!"
I'm never doing this again.
Because here are FIFA's tax demands
for prospective host countries.
It is FIFA and its FIFA subsidiaries that are
fully exempt from any tax whatsoever levied
at whatever level.
State level, municipality level, all sorts of taxes.
Consumption taxes, income taxes,
you name it, it's all exempt.
That's right, by Brazil's own estimate,
they're allowing FIFA to forego $250 million dollars in taxes
Somewhere, Wesley Snipes is going:
"So soccer was the answer!"
"Oh, God, it seems so obvious now"
Now FIFA says they leave a lot behind.
Which they do, like, new laws
because you see once upon a time Brazil did this:
In 2003, the Brazilian government banned alcohol
from stadiums because of the enormously high
death rate amongst fans.
Well that seems like a good idea!
Potentially life saving even!
The only problem is, Budweiser,
is one of FIFA's key sponsors.
and they sell a product
they reflexively insist on calling: beer.
and FIFA seemed anxious to protect Budweiser
from a law designed to protect people.
Which is why the FIFA secretary general went to Brazil
with a simple message:
"I'm sorry to say,
and maybe I look a bit arrogant, but that's something
we will not negotiate. I mean there will be,
and there must be, as part of the law, the fact that we
have the right to sell beer.
Yes uh, maybe I look a bit arrogant but, uh,
how you say, uh, fuck your laws and your public safety.
Is that right?
And the amazing thing is here, FIFA won.
They successfully pressured Brazil into passing
a so called "Budweiser Bill," allowing beer sales in soccer stadiums.
and at this point you can either be horrified by that
or relieved that FIFA wasn't also
sponsored by cocaine and chainsaws.
And Brazil, Brazil is lucky.
Brazil's lucky, at least they
just had FIFA force alcohol on them.
When South Africa hosted the world cup four years ago,
FIFA forced the creation of the FIFA World Cup Courts
Which sound funny, you know it's like
going to the World Series and being
dragged in front of judge Philly Phanatic.
Except, FIFAs courts were no joke.
Two Zimbabweans who robbed foreign journalists
on a Wednesday. Were arrested on a Thursday.
And began fifteen year jail sentences the next day.
That is unsettlingly fast.
That's like when you order chinese food
and it comes five minutes later.
"Uh, thanks very much but that was too quick!"
"You didn't have time to make this properly"
And there is a certain irony in FIFA setting up any
kind of justice system given the scandals
that have dogged it over the years.
"Football's governing body has tried to tackle its
shady inner workings by suspending two executives
on corruption charges
The FIFA scandal rumbles on.
Jack Warner, who was at the center of bribery accusations
has resigned as Vice-President.
There've been so many corruption scandals that
FIFA have had to deal with
Bribery and FIFA go together like peanut butter and jelly."
Yeah, but they shouldn't though.
Peanut butter and jelly are supposed
to go together.
Fifa and bribery should go together like
peanut butter and a child with a deadly nut alergy.
"NO, TREVOR, NO! "
"That's for your brother!"
And if you think FIFA can't get any more
cartoonishly evil.
This is their headquarter's actual boardroom.
That's right, FIFA apparenty modeled
where they meet on the war room from
"Doctor Strange Love"
That is exhibit A for an organization that does
not give a shit what you think about them.
And yet, the head of FIFA maintains that they are merely
a humble non-profit organization.
"We are a non-profit organization.
and we have to remain a non-profit organization."
"A non-profit with over a billion dollars in the bank?"
"Yeah but it is a reserve."
A reserve?
A reserve of a billion dollars?
When your rainy day fund is so big
you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks,
you might not be a non-profit anymore.
That by the way...that man, the man you just saw
Is Sepp Blatter and even his name
should have been a red flag.
If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum,
you've strangled someone in a bar fight.
That's just a fact.
And let me just give you a taste of Sepp Blatter
as a human being.
"Recently he was asked how should women's soccer
be made more popular?
He said: "Well, they should wear shorter shorts."
Great idea, put the ladies in hot pants,
call it "Foxy Soccer," and uh, while your at it,
Tighten up the jerseys,
maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings,
and --Fuck it, let's just open a hooters.
FIFA. FIFA, the humble non-profit
Even recently spent $27 million dollars
to fun "United Passions,"
a fictionalized version of their history
starring, for some reason, Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter.
And this movie, like FIFA itself, looks terrible.
"We'll be...
The Fédération Internationale de Football Association. FIFA
The first World Cup will be held in, Uruguay.
You have everything you need to run our family,
but you know, the slightest error, and you're out."
Who makes a sports film where the heroes
are the executives?
And the crazy thing is,
you don't need two hours and Tim Roth.
Because the greatest film about Sepp Blatter
has already been made.
It's ten seconds long,
and it's on YouTube.
That is. Wonderfully, that is the one time
you can genuinely say:
"I'm glad that old man fell off that stage."
But perhaps the worst part of FIFA is not even it's past
or its present. It's its future.
Because the host of the 2022 World Cup
has already been decided.
"The winner, to organize the 2022 FIFA world cup is: Qatar"
Qatar?
There's between one and fifty reasons
why that is an awful idea.
Summer temperatures in Qatar can reach
some 50 degrees Celsius.
A difficult environment to hold a professional sporting
event outdoors.
50 degrees Celsius is 122 degrees Fahrenheit.
You are hosting the World Cup somewhere where
soccer cannot physically be played.
That's like if the NFL chose to host the Superbowl in a lake.
Now, there are now allegations that some FIFA executives
took bribes to put the World Cup in Qatar
and I hope that's true because otherwise,
it makes literally no sense.
...and not just because of the weather,
but because of the working conditions.
Qatar is a slave state in the 21st century.
A migrant worker can't leave the country without an exit visa.
That visa has to be approved by his employer.
Who has your passport?
So you're trapped here?
We've got coffins coming home every day
More than a worker per day on average, is dying.
Conservatively, from the figures of just two countries,
India and Nepal, more than 4,000 workers will die
before a ball is kicked off in 2022.
So what you're essentially saying is...
the Qatar World Cup is shaping up to be the most deadly
middle-east construction project since this one.
And by this point, I hope I've proven to you
that FIFA is just appalling.
And yet, here's their power:
I am still so excited about the World Cup next week!
And it's very hard to justify how I can get so much joy
from an organization that's caused so much pain,
other than going back to right where we started.
"Soccer, or Football, like we say, it's a religion."
But it's not just that.
It's an organized religion,
and FIFA is it's church.
Just think about it.
It's leader is infallible,
It compels South American countries to spend money
they don't have building opulent Cathedrals,
and it may ultimately be responsible for the deaths
of shocking numbers of people in the Middle East.
But...but...but...but for millions of people, around the world
like me, it is also the guardian of the only thing that
gives their lives any meaning.
And if that comparison does not make Americans
love soccer, then frankly nothing will.