This is outrageous!
We're the best twin gamers in the world.
Did you not see us at the Twin Cyber Olympics?
Nah, I did.
The answer's still no.
Mom, checkbook.
And Mr. Calhoun,
I'm sure that a dirty old poor person like you making 30 grand a year
could benefit from a little, I don't know, check for $900,000?
(ripping)
(gasps)
You're right, mom. They are bad with money.
At first you weren't getting in because you're 12
and this is a high school,
but now you're never getting in 'cause you're terrible people.
Terrible? (giggles)
If we're so terrible, how come we get everything we want?
Exactly what a terrible person would say.
Please leave.
(scoffs) Fine, wanna play hardball?
Mom, buy his school for us.
(Mom) Now, boys, I just bought you an energy drink company to run.
(both) But mom!
(mom) Tell you what.
Get your stock up to $400 a share and maybe we'll buy you VGHS.
You hear that, Calhoun?
- Hostile takeover. - We're gonna buy your dumb school
and throw you out on the street!
You'll rue the day you ever said no to Ashton--
And Shane...
(both) Barnstormer!
Move over Napalm, 'cause Jock Juice has come to town!
This is where your money belongs.
Teenagers are clapping hard for Jock Juice.
Well, my win, as with all my wins, can be attributed
solely to this delicious beverage, Jock Juice.
Juice up your jocks with Jock Juice!
Slam it into your underpants and feel the surge.
(sipping)
Jock Juice, uh!
Uh...uhhh...
Okay, it's good. It's good, it's a good beverage.
(school bell rings)
Next.
Name?
Shane.
Shane Pizza.
(bell clatters)
Whoo, lemme hear it ring!
Cool tattoo, nice shoes, up top!
Hey, back to work.
♪ Do you wanna hear about how the real world's the place for me? ♪
♪ Things looking out there won't look better on a TV screen. ♪
♪ Is there a better way? ♪
♪ I don't care what you say. ♪
♪ I just wanna play! ♪
♪ We all just wanna play! ♪
♪ Things will be all right ♪
♪ Soon as I get back to school. ♪
Well, here we go, guys.
Ted, you call us if you need anything, okay?
Yes, sir.
Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Swan for everything.
Especially Overdrift Rally Rash!
- (laughter) - You guys are tops.
Sweetie, you take care. I'm gonna miss you.
Of course.
Goodbye, parents.
All right! The boys and Ki are back in town.
Watch out, VGHS. We're comin' for ya!
Aw, come on, Ki.
The election was, like, forever ago.
No one's gonna remember who you are.
And Brian, dude, come on.
You and Jenny, come on!
Dude!
I know, I know, you're right. I just...I don't know.
I think I know what I gotta say to her, and I'm nervous.
I hope she takes me back.
Did this school get bigger, or did we get smaller?
(chuckles) Looks like the same old VGHS to me.
Give it up for The Silver Sun Pickups, everybody.
That's why we come to school on a Sunday, people.
Now, on to morning announcements.
Good news.
I noticed that the student fund was getting a little low,
so I dug into my big ol' Pizza pockets and got some...drum roll please.
(drum roll)
New computers for the social gamers!
Come on down, you guys.
(cheering)
Oh, man. Don't they look happy?
(cheering)
(Shane) Now, I didn't have to do that.
But I did.
Because we're all one big family.
You are my family. You are mine!
You my mine, VGHS!
(cheering)
That's hucking those omelettes, gangs. Smash Mouth is up next.
(cheering)
What?
(girl) Oh, here she comes. Way to go, Heather.
(gasps) God!
God! No! What? No running!
Please, no throwing stuff!
I-huh-hey! Hey, Ki!
- You're back. - Yes.
- I see they've made you RA. - Yeah, well, once you left
nobody wanted to take the job, so I thought, "I'll do it!"
Hey, hey.
Anywhos, so it's been really tough, but you're back, so that's great.
Um...so...speaking of which, you have bathroom duty today.
Uh, the girls, they say it's clean, but they know I won't go in there,
so I think they're lying. (chuckles)
Will you-will you get that done by tomorrow, please?
(Ki) Nope.
Oh, come on! Not you too, Ki.
Why does nobody listen to me?! (whines)
It's because you're weak, Wendell.
- And the world preys on the weak. - Guh!
God, what's wrong with you?
I thought helping people was your thing.
I have a new thing now.
What?!
(Wendell) You're getting a frownie sticker, Ki!
Go ahead. I don't care.
Like crap you don't, Ki Swan!
You invented the sticker system, okay?
You're the only one who cares about it and if you don't clean
the bathroom in 24 hours, your name is getting a frownie sticker!
(Wendell) 24 hours, Ki!
(vrooming)
Brake! (imitates squealing wheels)
What up, Drift people! Who's ready to get their rally on...?
(DK) Theodore!
Old friend!
You find us at our darkest hour.
Sorry about that whole "dad" thing.
We got you a basket.
Oh, thanks. What happened to your head?
The Dutchess of Fart and her Fart Goons shaved it in my sleep!
What?! Why?
She thinks that if I have no hair I won't want that coupon for that perm.
They've been pranking us all week. I think it's time we strike back.
Hide this in your pants.
I was really hoping we could play.
Oh, play later. First...to war!
(heroic music)
Aw, man!
(explosions)
(gunfire)
Lieutenant, start the engine!
Sir, I can't solve this equation! Do you know the variable?
I don't. But maybe you do.
Okay, gang, master chief can't fix his warthog
until we find the correct equation.
Anyone?
Uh, is the equation Jenny - Brian = "Can I get a taste?"
(laughter)
Get out, Sebastian.
- Worth a shot. - (teacher) Out!
- It's X - 2. - (chuckling)
I'm also smart.
(sighs)
Jenny, show us how it's done.
(sighs)
(explosion)
(laughter)
Nice going, craptain.
Can't even hit a variable.
(students "ooh")
Keep missing, Jenny. It's still funny.
Okay, that's enough.
Yeah, so, I'm ditching.
Peace.
Don't miss the door on your way out!
Ooh!
Oh, hey, Rosie. I'm taking my break.
Go get her, kid.
Hey, J-Jenny. What's up, stranger?
Brian, you're back.
Yeah, just hangin' out.
Well, what're you up to?
Just ditching class.
Uh-oh...cool, that's new for you.
Yeah, so is being dumped and made fun of by the entire school.
- Oh. - Did you need something?
Uh, yeah.
I had a whole game plan, but...
but you just said... I kinda gotta change it.
Um, listen.
I've had some time to think about it and I'm sorry.
Okay, no. (sighs) I'm sorry.
I just think that we should talk about us.
Brian, I don't even know what I would say to you about "us" right now.
Uh, well for starters I was hoping there could even be an us...
and you're leaving.
Um, so, what're we doing again?
Goddamn it, Ted!
How many times do we have to explain this?
The Duchess and I won the Trivia Bowl last week,
and the first place prize was one coupon for a highlight and perm
at the Beyond Two Souls Beauty Salon.
(chains rattle)
I thought I deserved it.
She thought differently.
We quarreled and Calhoun took the coupon away.
He won't give it back until we decide on who gets it.
That's when the pranks began.
Um, okay. So what do you want me to do?
Shoot her in the head.
Ew! Gum in the hair?
Dude, that's way gross and mean.
We tried to take the high road, but look what she's done to us.
Everything smells like super glue.
What would you have us do, Ted? Lie down and die?
- Well, no, but-- - Come on, dude.
You're the John Wilkes Booth of sling shots.
He's the guy that killed Lincoln.
You got this.
(sighs) Fine, okay, I'll do it.
Well, that's what friends are for, right?
That's the spirit, Ted!
Let's roll.
(heroic music)
Oh, already hard at work, I see. Huh?
If you need more bleach, there's...okay, what?
What the heck is that?
Oh, didn't you hear?
I'm hosting a 24 hour game design competition.
So much for bathroom duty.
Oh, nice try, Ki! But if you want to host
a school event, you're gonna need--
Waivers, signed in triplicate by Calhoun.
Okay...um...fine, fine.
Once you're done, just go clean the bathroom, okay?
In 24 hours it will be Zoe's turn to clean the bathroom.
So...I win.
(typing)
What?
This-This isn't you, Ki! Why are you being such a jerk?
Because life is meaningless.
- Huh. - (typing)
I have a game to design, so if you could just please leave.
Or stay and design a game. It's a game jam.
(groans)
(sirens wail)
(gunfire)
Sushi_Princess wins.
(man) GTFO, Jenny! You suck! (laughs)
You wanna come say that to my face?!
Oh, that's what I thought.
(girl) So, it really is you.
Who's asking?
The number one player in that game you just sucked at.
You're Sushi_Princess?
What happened to you, Matrix? You used to be my hero.
You used to be the best.
Then Brian gave you cooties and you've sucked ever since.
Okay, well, that is not fair.
- (spits) - (gasps)
Life ain't fair! Grow a pair.
Sushi_Princess.
I really like that kid.
(sarcastically) Yay, mom's here.
Come on, let's get a burger. Pity party's over.
I've lost her forever, old buddy.
♪ Ooh ♪
(ominous music)
(tribal wailing)
(tribal drumming)
Go, crap! They made us!
Wha-whoa-whoa! (grunts)
Good job, Ted.
Oh, my tail bone!
(Duchess) Well, well, well.
His majesty's loyal lap dog.
Duchess, I'm really sorry about your hair.
Oh, uh...
Well, in that case I guess we're even, huh?
So truce peace? Oh, please, Duchess, please!
Please, please, I just back to school. All I want is to play video games.
Oh, Ted. You're right.
You've had a tough week.
- Oh, that was very nice of you. - Calhoun!
- Ted did it. - Wha-?
TED!
- (school bell rings) - Detention for the rest of the day.
Calhoun, I swear it wasn't me.
Ted, I'm a grown man with gum in my hair!
Someone's going down. That someone is you.
- But-- - Spare me.
You and the Drifters have been pulling this crap all year.
(sighs) Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Look, I know it's tough, what's happened with your dad.
And being a teen is hard, I guess.
But, dammit, grow up!
(fire alarm rings)
This school better be on fire.
Don't move.
Well, what if it is on fire?
(phone rings)
Uh, Calhoun's office.
Ted, this is DK. Get the coupon.
Bottom left drawer. Go!
- DK, I just got super in trouble! - Get that coupon!
- (hangs up) - GOD!
BAH!
Ki Swan!
How do you make, um, video games?
First rule: no talking.
Second rule: sit over there.
Okay.
Hello, knock, knock, knock!
Ding dong! Hello?
(chuckles)
(sighs) What is this? What're you doing?
Well, as Head RA, it is my duty to help students in need.
And, Miss Swan, you need to talk about your feels.
Hmm?
So I'm not going to leave here until you do.
I'm an artist. I don't talk.
I create.
Hey, what is this?
(owls hoot)
Huh. Hey, this is kinda cool.
How do you jump?
- You can leave now. - What, that's it?
You just walk until you let go and then you die?
Yep, that's the whole game.
But that's stupid! What's the point of playing?
Exactly.
Oh my god, Ki! Please be more pretentious.
It's not pretentious, Wendell. You're just too dumb to get it.
(mumbling) That's right, Wendell. You're dumb.
(scoffs) Well then, I guess dumb old Wendell will just have
to play your dumb old game until he figures it out.
(Ki) There's nothing to figure out, Wendell.
Well, then it's gonna be a loooong 21 hours, Ki.
- I'm outta here. - (Wendell) Bye.
How about some music?
(DJ) You're listening to NPR, the Napalm Player Report,
and we're talking with Ashley Barnstormer.
Great timing, mom.
Speaking of timing, I was gonna tell you this after class
but the commandos need me back earlier than I thought.
When do you leave?
The OTA's are Monday, so tomorrow.
Wow, that's great.
Yeah, the new owners have to flex their muscles.
- And since school is wrapping up-- - Mom, it's fine.
You know, you gotta go. I get it.
Have fun.
Why are you touching me?
I'm...comforting you?
Is that a question?
You know, I'm trying to be a mom here.
Yeah? Well, you're terrible at it.
Yeah? Well...(stammers)
Your boyfriend dumped you.
(laughs) You know, I don't even know why we try.
Wow.
- No! - Yup.
Jenny! Wait! Come back here.
Jenny! Get back here!
Stop! Stop!
(shrieks)
- What?! - You are stopping.
Okay, mom. Here's your chance.
- Parent me. - Oh, shit.
I don't know.
Listen, you don't need me here, okay?
You're one of the best in the league and next year--
Mom, I know, okay? This isn't even about you.
Oh, thank god. Wait?
- Then what's the problem? - (sighs)
The problem is everything else!
All right? I am an angry, unhappy person.
That's probably why I punched Ashley in the face,
and why I have no real friends, and why I just ruined
my relationship with the only person in my life who's ever really loved me.
Present company sort of excluded, I guess, and dad, or...
(grunts)
(sighs)
(train whistles)
Brian wants to get back together.
Which means that he hasn't realized that I'm a total sociopath
that cares more about video games than people.
When he does, he's gonna wanna break up again,
which is exactly what I deserve, 'cause I'm a shitty person.
You're not a shitty person.
How would you know that?
A shitty person is a mom that walks out on her husband
and her little girl just to get another trophy under her belt.
Not a 16 year old girl with hopes and dreams.
Just the fact that you even care about other people's feelings,
that makes you, you know, fine.
(touching music)
I'm gonna miss you, kid.
Me too.
(sighs)
(breathes heavily)
Stop, stop that. Stop doing that.
Sorry.
Just Brian messing up again like always.
Okay, what is it? Spit it out.
(sighs)
It's just when Jenny and I broke up, and I wanna fix it.
Or, I don't know, maybe I don't.
Maybe I'm meant to be alone. (sighs)
I don't wanna die.
Calhoun, please. I don't have a dad.
I just danced with my cat. I need an adult.
- (sighs) Do you like her? - Yes.
Are you in high school?
(puzzled) Yes.
Welcome to the wonderful world of having no problems!
No, no!
Calhoun, the problem is...
even if we get back together...
I don't know.
I'm never gonna be the most important thing in her life.
Yeah, that's 'cause she's smarter than most teenage girls, all right?
You're her high school boyfriend.
You should be happy she even talks to you.
- But-- - But.
- But.
But shut up, okay?
This is your first relationship. It's like your first car.
You're gonna go fast, way too fast.
You're probably gonna wreck it.
So wear a seat belt and enjoy the ride.
Calhoun, I'm gonna be honest.
I'm trying to open up to you here, but you're really not helping.
Maybe that's because I'm not the one you should be opening up to.
Boom. Nailed it.
(sighs) Hey, guys, I--
Ah, Theodore. You return.
And with my coupon, I see.
Well done!
You're playing my game without me.
(DK) Not anymore. We're out of candy
and we beat all the levels.
Before it expires?
No.
Um, yes.
No!
- I command you-- - I said NO.
- Ted-- - You ate my dead dad candy.
I am the drift king!
Yeah, well maybe you shouldn't be.
Seriously, we do bad stuff for you all the time,
but you don't care.
You only care about yourself. You're not a king, dude.
You're a senior! You're going to college next year.
Just grow the hell up!
(sighs) I could be a better king than you.
Is that a challenge, Ted?
Yeah, it is.
I challenge you for the title of Drift King.
I accept.
And when you race against king...
(snaps finger)
..you race against his kingdom.
Let's drift.
(revving engines)
(heavy metal music)
(tires squeal)
(engines rev)
(engine hums distantly)
(engine roars)
(birds whistle)
(engine roars)
(tires squeal)
(clock ticks)
(tires squeal)
Sorry, DK.
(tires squeal)
Oh!
(tires squeal)
The kingdom's yours, DK.
(sighs) Okay, Wendell. I'm only talking to you
because you're sleeping.
And last week I burned my diary to see what the ashes would look like.
Which was stupid. I don't know why I did that.
I don't really know what's happening to me.
You know I still have all my grandparents?
Ted's father is dead, but I still get four sweaters for Christmas every year.
Which just seems really mean to me.
It's callous and random. And then it's over.
I don't really know why I'm playing anymore.
(murmuring in sleep)
It's not your fault though.
(sighs)
(typing)
(computer blips)
(alarm beeps)
(sighs)
(cell phone bloops)
(sighs)
(muttering in sleep)
(birds whistle)
(sighs)
Hey.
Look, let me go first, all right? I gotta get this out.
Okay.
(sighs) I never really had a dad.
And my mom was an addict, so I pretty much took care of myself.
And I got used to being alone. I got pretty good at it.
But then I came here and I met Ted,
and I met Key, and I met you.
And I fell for you like that.
And for the first time, I didn't feel alone.
And when I thought you were leaving,
I should've been happy for you. I should've, but...
I was so scared of losing you that I lashed out.
And it was selfish, and it was horrible,
and I'm so sorry that I hurt you, Jenny.
(sighs)
I'm glad you went first.
Why, what were you going to say?
(touching music)
(groans) Well, the game jam's almost over, Key.
Okay, I guess you win. Life really is meaningless, huh?
(victory music)
What?
No!
Wait, huh?
What is that? (gasps)
Oh! Oh my god! (gasps)
Oh my god! (laughs) Look this--this is awesome!
Oh! I'm flying. It's me.
I'm flying! I'm flying!
Key, it's me. I'm flying.
Oh my god! This game rules!
(laughs)
(gasps)
That's the best game ever.
(gasps)
You're great, [Ari Wendell].
Thanks, Key.
Oh! (laughs)
- What was that? - It's nothing.
Okay, now go clean the bathroom.
(laughs)
- Okay. - I'm serious.
Okay.
It's this way.
Smash Mouth signed a contract.
If we re-neg, we owe them big.
Fine, whatever.
Just make sure they're not in the teacher's lounge.
- Anything else? - I got something!
Barnstormer!
Hey, Calhoulligan.
Just came by to give you the good news.
Napalm broke 400. Hah!
- [?] a champion. - Awesome news, brother.
Shane.
Shane Barnstorm.
Yeah, didn't I tell you?
Oh wait, no. I faked my own death.
I changed my name to Pizza, and then I took down
your school from the inside.
Oops. (mad chuckle)
- (camera snaps) - (laughter)
What a face!
You really should've taken that check.
Fuck!
Hey, guys, mind if we join?
Heck yeah, we don't. Sit down.
(sighs)
Well, looks like everything's back to normal.
Good morning, VGHS!
I hope you're enjoying that cafeteria breakfast
because it's your last! (mad laughter)
(yelling)
(students murmur)
(student) Oh no!
(screaming)
(cackling)
You cannot win!
(cackling)
(ominous music)