WEBVTT

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This is outrageous!

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We're the best twin gamers in the world.

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Did you not see us 
at the Twin Cyber Olympics?

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Nah, I did.

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The answer's still no.

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Mom, checkbook.

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And Mr. Calhoun,

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I'm sure that a dirty old poor person 
like you making 30 grand a year

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could benefit from a little, 
I don't know, check for $900,000?

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(ripping)

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(gasps)

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You're right, mom.
They <i>are</i> bad with money.

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At first you weren't getting in
because you're 12

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and this is a high school,

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but now you're never getting in
'cause you're terrible people.

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Terrible? (giggles)

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If we're so terrible,
how come we get everything we want?

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Exactly what a terrible person would say.

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Please leave.

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(scoffs) Fine, wanna play hardball?

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Mom, buy his school for us.

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(Mom) Now, boys, I just bought
you an energy drink company to run.

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(both) But mom!

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(mom) Tell you what.

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Get your stock up to $400 a share
and maybe we'll buy you VGHS.

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You hear that, Calhoun?

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- Hostile takeover.
- We're gonna buy your dumb school

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and throw you out on the street!

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You'll rue the day you 
ever said no to Ashton--

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And Shane.

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Barnstormer!

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Move over Napalm, 
'cause Jock Juice has come to town!

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This is where your money belongs.

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Teenagers are clapping 
hard for Jock Juice.

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Well, my win, as with all my wins,
can be attributed

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solely to this delicious 
beverage, Jock Juice.

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Juice up your jocks with Jock Juice!

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Slam it into your underpants 
and feel the surge.

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(sipping)

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Jock Juice, uh!

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Uh...uhhh...

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Okay, it's good.
It's good, it's a good beverage.

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(school bell rings)

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Next.

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Name?

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Shane.

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Shane Pizza.

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(bell clatters)

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Whoo, lemme hear it ring!

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Cool tattoo, nice shoes, up top!

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Hey, back to work.

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Do you wanna hear about how 
the real world's the place for me?

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Things looking out there 
won't look better on the T.V. screen

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Is there a better way?

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I don't care what you say.

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I just wanna play!

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We all just wanna play!

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Things will be all right

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Soon as I get back to school.

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Well, here we go, guys.

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Ted, you call us if you 
need anything, okay?

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Yes, sir.

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Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Swan for everything.

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Especially Overdrift Rally Rash!

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- (laughter)
- You guys are tops.

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Sweetie, you take care.
I'm gonna miss you.

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Of course.

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Goodbye, parents.

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All right! The boys 
and [?] are back in town.

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Watch out, [?] and Jess.
We're comin' for ya!

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Aw, come on, {?}.

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The election was, like, forever ago.

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Noone's gonna remember who you are.

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And Brian, dude, come on.

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You and Jenny, come on!

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Dude!

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I know, I know, you're right.
I just...I don't know.

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I think I know what I gotta say to her,
and I'm nervous.

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I hope she takes me back.

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Did this school get bigger,
or did we get smaller?

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(chuckles) Looks like 
the same old VGHS to me.

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Give it up for [Silver Sun ?], everybody.

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That's why we come 
to school on a Sunday, people.

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Now, on to morning announcements.

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Good news.

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I noticed that the student fund
was getting a little low,

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so I dug into my big ol' pizza pockets
and got some...drum roll please.

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(drum roll)

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New computers for the social gamers!

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Come on down, you guys.

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(cheering)

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Oh, man.
Don't they look happy.

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(cheering)

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Now, I didn't have to do that.

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But I did.

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Because we're all one big family.

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You are my family.
You are mine!

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You my mine, VGHS!

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(cheering)

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That's [hucking those omeleettes], }
gang smash mouth up next.

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(cheering)

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What?

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Oh, here she comes.
Way to go, Heather.

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(gasps) God!

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God! No!
What? No running!

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Please, no throwing stuff!

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I-huh-hey!
Hey, [Key]!

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- You're back.
- Yes.

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- I see they've made you RA.
- Yeah, well, once you left

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nobody wanted to take the job,
so I thought, "I'll do it!"

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Hey, hey.

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Anywhos, so it's been really tough,
but you're back, so that's great.

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Um...so...speaking of which,
you have bathroom duty today.

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Uh, the girls, they say it's clean,
but they know I won't go in there,

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so I think they're lying. (chuckles)

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Will you-will you get that 
done by tomorrow, please?

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Nope.

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Oh, come on!
Not you too, [Key].

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Why does nobody listen to me?! (whines)

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It's because you're weak, [Wendell].

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- And the world preys on the weak.
- Guh!

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God, what's wrong with you?

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I thought-I thought helping 
people was your thing.

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I have a new thing now.

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What?!

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(Wendell) You're getting 
a frownie sticker, Key!

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Go ahead.
I don't care.

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Like crap you don't, Key Swan!

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You invented the sticker system, okay?

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You're the only one who cares 
about it and-and if you don't clean

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the bathroom in 24 hours,
your name is getting a frownie sticker!

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(Wendell) 24 hours, Key!

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(vrooming)

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Brake! (imitates squealing wheels)

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What up, good people!
Who's ready to get their rally on...?

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(man) Theodore!

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Old friend!

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You find us at our darkest hour.

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Sorry about that whole "dad" thing.

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We got you a basket.

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Oh, thanks.
What happened to your head?

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The Dutchess of Fart and her 
Fart Goons shaved it in my sleep!

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What?! Why?

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She thinks that if I have no hair
I won't want that coupon for that [farm].

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They've been breaking us all week.
I think it's time we strike back.

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Hide this in your pants.

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I was really hoping we could play.

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Oh, play later.
First...to war!

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(heroic music)

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Aw, man!

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(explosions)

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(gunfire)

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<i>Lieutenant, start the engine!</i>

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Sir, I can't solve this equation!
Do you know the variable?

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I don't.
But maybe you do.

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Okay, gang, master chief 
can't fix his warthog

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until we find the correct equation.

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Anyone?

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Uh, is the equation Jenny minus 
Brian equals "Can I get a taste?"

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(laughter)

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Get out, Sebastian.

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- Worth a shot.
- (teacher) Out!

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- It's X - 2.
- (chuckling)

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I'm also smart.

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(sighs)

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Jenny, show us how it's done.

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(sighs)

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(explosion)

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(laughter)

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Nice going, <i>craptain</i>.

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Can't even hit a variable.

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(students "ooh")

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Keep missing, Jenny.
It's still funny.

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Okay, that's enough.

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Yeah, so, I'm ditching.

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Peace.

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Don't miss the door on your way out!

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Ooh!

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(country music)

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Oh, hey, [?].
I'm taking my break.

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Go get her, kid.

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(country music)

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Hey, J-Jenny.
What's up, stranger?

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Brian, you're back.

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Yeah, just hangin' out.

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Well, what're you up to?

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Just ditching class.

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Uh-oh...cool, that's new for you.

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Yeah, so is being dumped 
and made fun of by the entire school.

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- Oh.
- Did you need something?

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Uh, yeah.

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I had a whole game plan, but...

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but you just said...
I kinda gotta change it.

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Um, listen.

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I've had some time 
to think about it and I'm sorry.

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Okay, no. (sighs)
I'm sorry.

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I just think that we should talk about us.

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Brian, I don't even know what I 
would say to you about "us" right now.

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Uh, well for starters I was hoping 
there could even be an us...

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and you're leaving.

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(country music)

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Um, so, what're we doing again?

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Goddamn it, Tim!

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How many times do we 
have to explain this?

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[Jefferson High] won 
the Trivia Bowl last week,

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and the first place prize was one coupon 
for a highlight and perm

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at the Beyond Two Souls Beauty Salon.

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(chains rattle)

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I thought I deserved it.

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She thought differently.

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We quarreled and a Calhoun 
took the coupon away.

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He won't give it back until 
we decide on who gets it.

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That's when the pranks began.

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Um, okay.
So what do you want me to do?

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Shoot her in the head.

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Ew! Gum in the hair?

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Dude, that's way gross and mean.

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We tried to take the high road,
but look what she's done to us?

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Everything smells like super glue.

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What would you have us do, Ted?
Lie down and die?

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- Well, no, but--
- Come on, dude.

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You're the John Wilkes Booth 
of sling shots.

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He's the guy that killed Lincoln.

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You got this.

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(sighs) Fine, okay, I'll do it.

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Well, that's what friends are for, right?

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That's the spirit, Ted!

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Let's roll.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(heroic music)

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Oh, already hard at work, I see. Huh?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If you need more bleach, 
there's...okay, what?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
What the heck is that?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh, didn't you hear?

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I hosting a 24 hour 
game design competition.

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So much for bathroom duty.

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Oh, nice try, Key!
But if you want to host

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
a school event, you're gonna need--

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Wavers, signed in triplicate by Calhoun.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Okay...um...fine, fine.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Once you're done, just go 
clean the bathroom, okay?

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In 24 hours it will be Zoe's turn 
to clean the bathroom.

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So...I win.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(typing)

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What?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This-This isn't you, Key!
Why are you being such a jerk?

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Because life is meaningless.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- Huh.
- (typing)

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I have a game to design,
so if you could just please leave.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Or stay and design a game.
It's a game jam.

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(groans)

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(sirens wail)

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(gunfire)

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<i>Sushi_Princess wins.</i>

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(man) GTFO, Jenny! 
You suck! (laughs)

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You wanna come say that to my face?!

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Oh, that's what I thought.

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(girl) So, it really is you.

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Who's asking?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
The number one player 
in that game you just sucked at.

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You're Sushi_Princess?

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What happened to you, Matrix?
You used to be my hero.

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You used to be the best.

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Then Brian gave you cooties 
and you've sucked ever since.

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Okay, well, that is not fair.

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- (spits)
- (gasps)

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Life ain't fair!
Grow a pair.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Sushi_Princess.

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I really like that kid.

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(sarcastically) Yay, mom's here.

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Come on, let's get a burger.
Pity party's over.

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I did [the train] of memory

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Oh, what...

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I've lost her forever, old buddy.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
...reverie

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ooh

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ooh

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(ominous music)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(tribal wailing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(tribal wailing)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(tribal drumming)

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Go, crap!
They made us!

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Wha-whoa-whoa! (grunts)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Good job, Ted.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh, my tail bone!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Dutchess) Well, well, well.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
His majesty's loyal lap dog.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Dutchess, I'm really sorry
about your hair.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh, uh...

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, in that case I guess 
we're even, huh?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So truce peace?
Oh, please, Dutchess, please!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Please, please, I just back to school.
All I want is to play video games.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ugh, Ted.
You're right.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You've had a tough week.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- Oh, that was very nice of you.
- Calhoun!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- Ted did it.
- Wha-?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
TED!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- (school bell rings)
- Detention for the rest of the day.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Calhoun, I swear it wasn't me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ted, I'm a grown man
with gum in my hair!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Someone's going down.
That someone is you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- But--
- Spare me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You and the Drifters have been 
pulling this crap all year.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(sighs) Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Look, I know it's tough,
what's happened with your dad.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And being a teen is hard, I guess.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But, dammit, grow up!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(rustling)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(fire alarm rings)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This school better be on fire.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Don't move.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, what if it is on fire?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(phone rings)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Uh, Calhoun's office.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
<i>Ted, this is DK.</i>
<i>Get the coupon.</i>

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
<i>Bottom left drawer. Go!</i>

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- DK, I just got super in trouble!
- <i>Get that coupon!</i>

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- (hangs up)
- GOD!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
BAH!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Key Swan!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How do you make, um, video games?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
First rule: no talking.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Second rule: sit over there.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Okay.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Hello, knock, knock, knock!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ding dong!
Hello?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(chuckles)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(sighs) What is this?
What're you doing?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, as Head RA, it is my duty
to help students in need.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And, Miss Swan, you need 
to talk about your feels.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Hmm?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So I'm not going to leave
here until you do.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm an artist.
I don't talk.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I create.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Hey, what is this?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
<i>(owls hoot)</i>

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Huh. Hey, this is kinda cool.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How do you jump?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- You can leave now.
- What, that's it?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You just walk until you let go 
and then you die?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yep, that's the whole game.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But that's stupid!
What's the point of playing?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Exactly.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh my god, Key!
Please be more pretentious.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's not pretentious, Wendell.
You're just too dumb to get it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(mumbling) That's right, Wendell.
You're dumb.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(scoffs) Well then, I guess 
dumb old Wendell will just have

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to play your dumb old game 
until he figures it out.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
There's nothing to figure out, Wendell.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, then it's gonna be 
a loooong 21 hours, Key.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- I'm outta here.
- Bye.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How about some music?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
<i>(DJ) You're listening to NPR,</i>
<i>the [napalm] player report,</i>

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
<i>and we're talking with Ashley Barnstormer.</i>

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Great timing, mom.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Speaking of timing, I was gonna 
tell you this after class

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but the commandos need me 
back earlier than I thought.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When do you leave?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
The OTA's are Monday, so tomorrow.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Wow, that's great.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah, the new owners 
have to flex their muscles.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- And since school is wrapping up--
- Mom, it's fine.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You know, you gotta go.
I get it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Have fun.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Why are you touching me?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm...comforting you?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Is that a question?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You know, I'm trying to be a mom here.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah? Well, you're terrible at it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah? Well...(stammers)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Your boyfriend dumped you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(laughs) You know, 
I don't even know why we try.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Wow.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- No!
- Yup.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Jenny! Wait!
Come back here.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Jenny!
Get back here!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Stop! Stop!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(shrieks)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- What?!
- You are stopping.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Okay, mom.
Here's your chance.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- Parent me.
- Oh, shit.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I don't know.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Listen, you don't need me here, okay?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You're one of the best 
in the league and next year--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Mom, I know, okay?
This isn't even about you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Oh, thank god.
Wait?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- Then what's the problem?
- (sighs)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
The problem is everything else!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
All right? I am an angry, unhappy person.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's probably why I 
punched Ashley in the face,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and why I have no real friends,
and why I just ruined

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
my relationship with the only person
in my life who's ever really loved me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Present company sort of excluded, 
I guess, and dad, or...

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(grunts)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(sighs)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(train whistles)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Brian wants to get back together.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Which means that he hasn't realized 
that I'm a total sociopath

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that cares more about 
video games than people.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When he does, he's gonna 
wanna break up again,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
which is exactly what I deserve,
'cause I'm a shitty person.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You're not a shitty person.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How would you know that?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
A shitty person is a mom 
that walks out on her husband

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and her little girl just to get 
another trophy under her belt.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Not a 16 year old girl
with hopes and dreams.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Just the fact that you even care 
about other people's feelings,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that makes you, you know, fine.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(touching music)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm gonna miss you, kid.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Me too.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(sighs)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(breathes heavily)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(breathes heavily)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(breathes heavily)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Stop, stop that.
Stop doing that.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Sorry.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Just Brian messing up again like always.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Okay, what is it?
Spit it out.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(sighs)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's just when Jenny and I broke up,
and I wanna fix it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Or, I don't know,
maybe I don't.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Maybe I'm meant to be alone. (sighs)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I don't wanna die.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Calhoun, please.
I don't have a dad.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I just danced with my cat.
I need an adult.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- (sighs) Do you like her?
- Yes.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Are you in high school?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(puzzled) Yes.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Welcome to the wonderful world 
of having no problems!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
No, no!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Calhoun, the problem is...

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
even if we get back together...

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I don't know.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm never gonna be the most 
important thing in her life.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah, that's 'cause she's smarter 
than most teenage girls, all right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You're her high school boyfriend.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You should be happy she even talks to you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- But--
- But.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
- But.
- But.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But shut up, okay?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This is your first relationship.
It's like your first car.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You're gonna go fast,
way too fast.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You're probably gonna wreck it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So wear a seat belt and enjoy the ride.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Calhoun, I'm gonna be honest.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm trying to open up to you here,
but you're really not helping.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Maybe that's because I'm not the one 
you should be opening up to.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Boom.
Nailed it.