This is outrageous! We're the best twin gamers in the world. Did you not see us at the Twin Cyber Olympics? Nah, I did. The answer's still no. Mom, checkbook. And Mr. Calhoun, I'm sure that a dirty old poor person like you making 30 grand a year could benefit from a little, I don't know, check for $900,000? (ripping) (gasps) You're right, mom. They are bad with money. At first you weren't getting in because you're 12 and this is a high school, but now you're never getting in 'cause you're terrible people. Terrible? (giggles) If we're so terrible, how come we get everything we want? Exactly what a terrible person would say. Please leave. (scoffs) Fine, wanna play hardball? Mom, buy his school for us. (Mom) Now, boys, I just bought you an energy drink company to run. (both) But mom! (mom) Tell you what. Get your stock up to $400 a share and maybe we'll buy you VGHS. You hear that, Calhoun? - Hostile takeover. - We're gonna buy your dumb school and throw you out on the street! You'll rue the day you ever said no to Ashton-- And Shane. Barnstormer! Move over Napalm, 'cause Jock Juice has come to town! This is where your money belongs. Teenagers are clapping hard for Jock Juice. Well, my win, as with all my wins, can be attributed solely to this delicious beverage, Jock Juice. Juice up your jocks with Jock Juice! Slam it into your underpants and feel the surge. (sipping) Jock Juice, uh! Uh...uhhh... Okay, it's good. It's good, it's a good beverage. (school bell rings) Next. Name? Shane. Shane Pizza. (bell clatters) Whoo, lemme hear it ring! Cool tattoo, nice shoes, up top! Hey, back to work. Do you wanna hear about how the real world's the place for me? Things looking out there won't look better on the T.V. screen Is there a better way? I don't care what you say. I just wanna play! We all just wanna play! Things will be all right Soon as I get back to school. Well, here we go, guys. Ted, you call us if you need anything, okay? Yes, sir. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Swan for everything. Especially Overdrift Rally Rash! - (laughter) - You guys are tops. Sweetie, you take care. I'm gonna miss you. Of course. Goodbye, parents. All right! The boys and [?] are back in town. Watch out, [?] and Jess. We're comin' for ya! Aw, come on, {?}. The election was, like, forever ago. Noone's gonna remember who you are. And Brian, dude, come on. You and Jenny, come on! Dude! I know, I know, you're right. I just...I don't know. I think I know what I gotta say to her, and I'm nervous. I hope she takes me back. Did this school get bigger, or did we get smaller? (chuckles) Looks like the same old VGHS to me. Give it up for [Silver Sun ?], everybody. That's why we come to school on a Sunday, people. Now, on to morning announcements. Good news. I noticed that the student fund was getting a little low, so I dug into my big ol' pizza pockets and got some...drum roll please. (drum roll) New computers for the social gamers! Come on down, you guys. (cheering) Oh, man. Don't they look happy. (cheering) Now, I didn't have to do that. But I did. Because we're all one big family. You are my family. You are mine! You my mine, VGHS! (cheering) That's [hucking those omeleettes], } gang smash mouth up next. (cheering) What? Oh, here she comes. Way to go, Heather. (gasps) God! God! No! What? No running! Please, no throwing stuff! I-huh-hey! Hey, [Key]! - You're back. - Yes. - I see they've made you RA. - Yeah, well, once you left nobody wanted to take the job, so I thought, "I'll do it!" Hey, hey. Anywhos, so it's been really tough, but you're back, so that's great. Um...so...speaking of which, you have bathroom duty today. Uh, the girls, they say it's clean, but they know I won't go in there, so I think they're lying. (chuckles) Will you-will you get that done by tomorrow, please? Nope. Oh, come on! Not you too, [Key]. Why does nobody listen to me?! (whines) It's because you're weak, [Wendell]. - And the world preys on the weak. - Guh! God, what's wrong with you? I thought-I thought helping people was your thing. I have a new thing now. What?! (Wendell) You're getting a frownie sticker, Key! Go ahead. I don't care. Like crap you don't, Key Swan! You invented the sticker system, okay? You're the only one who cares about it and-and if you don't clean the bathroom in 24 hours, your name is getting a frownie sticker! (Wendell) 24 hours, Key! (vrooming) Brake! (imitates squealing wheels) What up, good people! Who's ready to get their rally on...? (man) Theodore! Old friend! You find us at our darkest hour. Sorry about that whole "dad" thing. We got you a basket. Oh, thanks. What happened to your head? The Dutchess of Fart and her Fart Goons shaved it in my sleep! What?! Why? She thinks that if I have no hair I won't want that coupon for that [farm]. They've been breaking us all week. I think it's time we strike back. Hide this in your pants. I was really hoping we could play. Oh, play later. First...to war! (heroic music) Aw, man! (explosions) (gunfire) Lieutenant, start the engine! Sir, I can't solve this equation! Do you know the variable? I don't. But maybe you do. Okay, gang, master chief can't fix his warthog until we find the correct equation. Anyone? Uh, is the equation Jenny minus Brian equals "Can I get a taste?" (laughter) Get out, Sebastian. - Worth a shot. - (teacher) Out! - It's X - 2. - (chuckling) I'm also smart. (sighs) Jenny, show us how it's done. (sighs) (explosion) (laughter) Nice going, craptain. Can't even hit a variable. (students "ooh") Keep missing, Jenny. It's still funny. Okay, that's enough. Yeah, so, I'm ditching. Peace. Don't miss the door on your way out! Ooh! (country music) Oh, hey, [?]. I'm taking my break. Go get her, kid. (country music) Hey, J-Jenny. What's up, stranger? Brian, you're back. Yeah, just hangin' out. Well, what're you up to? Just ditching class. Uh-oh...cool, that's new for you. Yeah, so is being dumped and made fun of by the entire school. - Oh. - Did you need something? Uh, yeah. I had a whole game plan, but... but you just said... I kinda gotta change it. Um, listen. I've had some time to think about it and I'm sorry. Okay, no. (sighs) I'm sorry. I just think that we should talk about us. Brian, I don't even know what I would say to you about "us" right now. Uh, well for starters I was hoping there could even be an us... and you're leaving. (country music) Um, so, what're we doing again? Goddamn it, Tim! How many times do we have to explain this? [Jefferson High] won the Trivia Bowl last week, and the first place prize was one coupon for a highlight and perm at the Beyond Two Souls Beauty Salon. (chains rattle) I thought I deserved it. She thought differently. We quarreled and a Calhoun took the coupon away. He won't give it back until we decide on who gets it. That's when the pranks began. Um, okay. So what do you want me to do? Shoot her in the head. Ew! Gum in the hair? Dude, that's way gross and mean. We tried to take the high road, but look what she's done to us? Everything smells like super glue. What would you have us do, Ted? Lie down and die? - Well, no, but-- - Come on, dude. You're the John Wilkes Booth of sling shots. He's the guy that killed Lincoln. You got this. (sighs) Fine, okay, I'll do it. Well, that's what friends are for, right? That's the spirit, Ted! Let's roll. (heroic music) Oh, already hard at work, I see. Huh? If you need more bleach, there's...okay, what? What the heck is that? Oh, didn't you hear? I hosting a 24 hour game design competition. So much for bathroom duty. Oh, nice try, Key! But if you want to host a school event, you're gonna need-- Wavers, signed in triplicate by Calhoun. Okay...um...fine, fine. Once you're done, just go clean the bathroom, okay? In 24 hours it will be Zoe's turn to clean the bathroom. So...I win. (typing) What? This-This isn't you, Key! Why are you being such a jerk? Because life is meaningless. - Huh. - (typing) I have a game to design, so if you could just please leave. Or stay and design a game. It's a game jam. (groans) (sirens wail) (gunfire) Sushi_Princess wins. (man) GTFO, Jenny! You suck! (laughs) You wanna come say that to my face?! Oh, that's what I thought. (girl) So, it really is you. Who's asking? The number one player in that game you just sucked at. You're Sushi_Princess? What happened to you, Matrix? You used to be my hero. You used to be the best. Then Brian gave you cooties and you've sucked ever since. Okay, well, that is not fair. - (spits) - (gasps) Life ain't fair! Grow a pair. Sushi_Princess. I really like that kid. (sarcastically) Yay, mom's here. Come on, let's get a burger. Pity party's over. I did [the train] of memory Oh, what... I've lost her forever, old buddy. ...reverie Ooh Ooh (ominous music) (tribal wailing) (tribal wailing) (tribal drumming) Go, crap! They made us! Wha-whoa-whoa! (grunts) Good job, Ted. Oh, my tail bone! (Dutchess) Well, well, well. His majesty's loyal lap dog. Dutchess, I'm really sorry about your hair. Oh, uh... Well, in that case I guess we're even, huh? So truce peace? Oh, please, Dutchess, please! Please, please, I just back to school. All I want is to play video games. Ugh, Ted. You're right. You've had a tough week. - Oh, that was very nice of you. - Calhoun! - Ted did it. - Wha-? TED! - (school bell rings) - Detention for the rest of the day. Calhoun, I swear it wasn't me. Ted, I'm a grown man with gum in my hair! Someone's going down. That someone is you. - But-- - Spare me. You and the Drifters have been pulling this crap all year. (sighs) Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. Look, I know it's tough, what's happened with your dad. And being a teen is hard, I guess. But, dammit, grow up! (rustling) (fire alarm rings) This school better be on fire. Don't move. Well, what if it is on fire? (phone rings) Uh, Calhoun's office. Ted, this is DK. Get the coupon. Bottom left drawer. Go! - DK, I just got super in trouble! - Get that coupon! - (hangs up) - GOD! BAH! Key Swan! How do you make, um, video games? First rule: no talking. Second rule: sit over there. Okay. Hello, knock, knock, knock! Ding dong! Hello? (chuckles) (sighs) What is this? What're you doing? Well, as Head RA, it is my duty to help students in need. And, Miss Swan, you need to talk about your feels. Hmm? So I'm not going to leave here until you do. I'm an artist. I don't talk. I create. Hey, what is this? (owls hoot) Huh. Hey, this is kinda cool. How do you jump? - You can leave now. - What, that's it? You just walk until you let go and then you die? Yep, that's the whole game. But that's stupid! What's the point of playing? Exactly. Oh my god, Key! Please be more pretentious. It's not pretentious, Wendell. You're just too dumb to get it. (mumbling) That's right, Wendell. You're dumb. (scoffs) Well then, I guess dumb old Wendell will just have to play your dumb old game until he figures it out. There's nothing to figure out, Wendell. Well, then it's gonna be a loooong 21 hours, Key. - I'm outta here. - Bye. How about some music? (DJ) You're listening to NPR, the [napalm] player report, and we're talking with Ashley Barnstormer. Great timing, mom. Speaking of timing, I was gonna tell you this after class but the commandos need me back earlier than I thought. When do you leave? The OTA's are Monday, so tomorrow. Wow, that's great. Yeah, the new owners have to flex their muscles. - And since school is wrapping up-- - Mom, it's fine. You know, you gotta go. I get it. Have fun. Why are you touching me? I'm...comforting you? Is that a question? You know, I'm trying to be a mom here. Yeah? Well, you're terrible at it. Yeah? Well...(stammers) Your boyfriend dumped you. (laughs) You know, I don't even know why we try. Wow. - No! - Yup. Jenny! Wait! Come back here. Jenny! Get back here! Stop! Stop! (shrieks) - What?! - You are stopping. Okay, mom. Here's your chance. - Parent me. - Oh, shit. I don't know. Listen, you don't need me here, okay? You're one of the best in the league and next year-- Mom, I know, okay? This isn't even about you. Oh, thank god. Wait? - Then what's the problem? - (sighs) The problem is everything else! All right? I am an angry, unhappy person. That's probably why I punched Ashley in the face, and why I have no real friends, and why I just ruined my relationship with the only person in my life who's ever really loved me. Present company sort of excluded, I guess, and dad, or... (grunts) (sighs) (train whistles) Brian wants to get back together. Which means that he hasn't realized that I'm a total sociopath that cares more about video games than people. When he does, he's gonna wanna break up again, which is exactly what I deserve, 'cause I'm a shitty person. You're not a shitty person. How would you know that? A shitty person is a mom that walks out on her husband and her little girl just to get another trophy under her belt. Not a 16 year old girl with hopes and dreams. Just the fact that you even care about other people's feelings, that makes you, you know, fine. (touching music) I'm gonna miss you, kid. Me too. (sighs) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) Stop, stop that. Stop doing that. Sorry. Just Brian messing up again like always. Okay, what is it? Spit it out. (sighs) It's just when Jenny and I broke up, and I wanna fix it. Or, I don't know, maybe I don't. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. (sighs) I don't wanna die. Calhoun, please. I don't have a dad. I just danced with my cat. I need an adult. - (sighs) Do you like her? - Yes. Are you in high school? (puzzled) Yes. Welcome to the wonderful world of having no problems! No, no! Calhoun, the problem is... even if we get back together... I don't know. I'm never gonna be the most important thing in her life. Yeah, that's 'cause she's smarter than most teenage girls, all right? You're her high school boyfriend. You should be happy she even talks to you. - But-- - But. - But. - But. But shut up, okay? This is your first relationship. It's like your first car. You're gonna go fast, way too fast. You're probably gonna wreck it. So wear a seat belt and enjoy the ride. Calhoun, I'm gonna be honest. I'm trying to open up to you here, but you're really not helping. Maybe that's because I'm not the one you should be opening up to. Boom. Nailed it.