0:00:07.201,0:00:09.435
I have no friends.

0:00:11.233,0:00:12.929
Some people say "I have no friends"

0:00:12.929,0:00:15.991
when they're complaing[br]about the friends that they do have.

0:00:16.641,0:00:21.275
It's just a placeholder for "My friends[br]are too busy to hang out right now."

0:00:21.587,0:00:25.324
Or it can also be used to indicate[br]the quality of someone's friendship,

0:00:26.004,0:00:29.936
like when you're in middle school,[br]hating yourself and the world,

0:00:29.936,0:00:31.918
and you just desperately want to hang out

0:00:31.918,0:00:34.279
with someone who hates[br]the same things as you.

0:00:34.279,0:00:36.967
In this instance,[br]"I have no friends" means

0:00:36.967,0:00:40.835
"My friends don't really connect[br]with the situation I'm dealing with."

0:00:41.815,0:00:43.835
And given the barbarity of middle school,

0:00:43.835,0:00:47.719
it's hard to connect with yourself,[br]let alone your peers.

0:00:49.090,0:00:52.997
When I say I have no friends,[br]I mean it quite literally.

0:00:53.840,0:00:58.433
I can easily go an entire week[br]and only receive a text from my mom.

0:00:58.971,0:01:00.686
That's how many friends I have.

0:01:02.174,0:01:05.819
You might feel a little uncomfortable [br]when I say I have no friends,

0:01:05.819,0:01:07.791
but why is that?

0:01:09.126,0:01:12.759
For a long time, I was ashamed[br]of my friendlessness,

0:01:12.759,0:01:14.807
and I never acknowledged it,

0:01:14.807,0:01:16.798
although I suspect that people knew.

0:01:17.408,0:01:20.552
And shame really refers to a feeling[br]about who you are as a person,

0:01:20.552,0:01:24.897
so it was distressing to grapple[br]with what I saw as defect in my character.

0:01:25.669,0:01:28.259
I further rationalized[br]that if I didn't acknowledge it,

0:01:28.259,0:01:31.506
that meant I didn't have to deal with it[br]or my underlying problems,

0:01:31.506,0:01:34.137
but none of that is true.

0:01:35.360,0:01:38.606
It is true that my lack of friends[br]doesn't reflect my inherent value,

0:01:38.606,0:01:41.519
but nonetheless,[br]my admission is pretty taboo.

0:01:42.573,0:01:44.835
I think we feel uncomfortable[br]with my admission

0:01:44.835,0:01:47.141
because we share the implicit belief

0:01:47.141,0:01:50.243
that friends enrich[br]the quality of our lives.

0:01:50.881,0:01:53.596
Not having friends may be a marker[br]of an unfulfilled life,

0:01:53.596,0:01:58.135
and it makes us sad to see people[br]living contrary to their well-being.

0:01:59.815,0:02:03.418
We live in a social world.

0:02:04.097,0:02:07.904
We're so linked to one another[br]that when asked about ourselves,

0:02:07.904,0:02:12.304
we often express our identity as the sum[br]of our relationships with others

0:02:12.304,0:02:14.395
and the experiences we've shared.

0:02:15.008,0:02:17.922
I have no desire to downplay[br]the importance of friends.

0:02:17.922,0:02:20.687
People draw strength[br]from communities of support,

0:02:20.687,0:02:22.844
and that is undeniable.

0:02:23.404,0:02:27.911
And I believe that meaningful friendships[br]are perhaps the most important component

0:02:27.911,0:02:29.479
to personal flourishing.

0:02:30.829,0:02:33.965
So why have I lived[br]contrary to my well-being?

0:02:33.965,0:02:37.036
Why have I lived[br]as if my happiness is disposable

0:02:37.036,0:02:40.487
rather than my unqualified right[br]by function of my personhood?

0:02:42.784,0:02:44.266
For a long time,

0:02:45.456,0:02:47.926
I didn't know why[br]I had trouble making friends.

0:02:48.899,0:02:52.098
Growing up, adults used to tell me[br]that I was so mature,

0:02:52.098,0:02:57.338
but the implication was it was[br]really difficult for me to be a kid.

0:02:58.393,0:03:00.400
My family says that I have a great memory

0:03:00.400,0:03:04.156
when I do something like quote[br]an embarrassing thing I said years ago

0:03:04.156,0:03:06.115
when everyone else has long forgotten it,

0:03:06.115,0:03:09.488
but the truth is my memory[br]isn't all that special.

0:03:10.137,0:03:13.695
I've just always run through my social[br]interactions like mental flashcards,

0:03:13.695,0:03:16.788
incessantly checking my role[br]against some standard reference point

0:03:16.788,0:03:19.368
and critiquing myself[br]based on my actual performance.

0:03:20.048,0:03:22.221
I spend hours at a time[br]thinking about things

0:03:22.221,0:03:25.514
like my interpersonal interactions,[br]my worries, my fears, to-do lists,

0:03:25.514,0:03:27.888
the what-ifs of an upcoming[br]or a past situation,

0:03:27.888,0:03:31.143
or mentally adding up the days and hours[br]until an important event.

0:03:33.683,0:03:36.548
The brain is just an organ,

0:03:38.170,0:03:40.815
albeit it might be[br]the most important organ we have.

0:03:41.739,0:03:43.100
But much like we breathe in,

0:03:43.100,0:03:47.215
and our lungs oxygenate our blood[br]without much fanfare or celebration,

0:03:47.215,0:03:50.823
the brain's most obvious job is to think.

0:03:52.058,0:03:55.601
And although we don't consciously[br]will our lungs to think,

0:03:55.601,0:03:58.079
we do imagine that we have total agency

0:03:58.079,0:04:01.738
over the content and duration[br]of our thoughts.

0:04:02.871,0:04:06.398
But sometimes, I don't get[br]to choose what to think,

0:04:07.537,0:04:09.724
and it's difficult for me[br]to slow down my brain

0:04:09.724,0:04:11.175
once it gets going.

0:04:12.485,0:04:15.215
I'll lay in bed all night[br]willing myself to go to sleep,

0:04:15.215,0:04:18.485
but my thoughts don't stop racing[br]and I can't relax.

0:04:19.897,0:04:21.441
These sleepless nights are hard,

0:04:21.441,0:04:23.681
but they make the[br]following day even harder.

0:04:26.121,0:04:28.344
I have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

0:04:29.466,0:04:31.083
OCD is a chronic mental illness,

0:04:31.083,0:04:33.129
which means that[br]while there are treatments

0:04:33.129,0:04:35.029
to help you mitigate your symptoms,

0:04:35.029,0:04:36.318
there's no cure.

0:04:37.128,0:04:39.194
There are two components to OCD:

0:04:39.194,0:04:41.814
obsessions and compulsions.

0:04:42.481,0:04:45.863
Obsessions are these unwanted,[br]intrusive and distressing thoughts

0:04:45.863,0:04:48.897
that give rise to intense anxiety.

0:04:49.577,0:04:53.147
Compulsions are the behaviors[br]you engage in or avoid

0:04:53.147,0:04:55.102
to relieve your anxiety.

0:04:56.652,0:04:59.369
People often use OCD as an adjective.

0:04:59.369,0:05:01.098
You may have heard someone say,

0:05:01.098,0:05:03.080
"I am so OCD,"

0:05:03.080,0:05:05.630
or, "That's so OCD,"

0:05:05.630,0:05:08.149
when they share a photo[br]of a neatly organized drawer,

0:05:08.149,0:05:09.567
color-coded bookshelf

0:05:09.567,0:05:12.408
or something else that's[br]equally visually satisfying.

0:05:12.948,0:05:16.400
I don't believe that these people mean[br]to downplay the seriousness of OCD

0:05:16.400,0:05:17.690
as a mental illness.

0:05:17.690,0:05:20.037
I mean, I'm a nerd,[br]so I want that bookcase too,

0:05:20.037,0:05:25.159
but having a preference for organization[br]doesn't mean that you have OCD.

0:05:26.798,0:05:28.263
For a diagnosis of OCD,

0:05:28.263,0:05:32.184
your obsessions and compulsions have[br]to meet a certain degree of extremeness,

0:05:32.184,0:05:36.440
measured in how much they interrupt[br]the normal functioning of your life.

0:05:37.682,0:05:40.890
Everyone has worrying thoughts sometimes,

0:05:41.250,0:05:44.606
but when you have OCD,[br]your thoughts feel persistent,

0:05:44.606,0:05:47.306
and they feel like[br]they'll never leave your brain.

0:05:49.284,0:05:52.150
I'll break up my obsessions[br]into two categories:

0:05:52.440,0:05:54.581
germs and social.

0:05:56.336,0:06:01.925
I fear that I sound crazy when I explain[br]my obsessions and compulsions.

0:06:02.860,0:06:06.494
Like most people with OCD, I recognize[br]that my obsessions are irrational,

0:06:06.494,0:06:08.780
yet this does not provide relief.

0:06:09.320,0:06:12.151
OCD is an unreliable narrator.

0:06:13.037,0:06:15.555
My obsessions are outright lies[br]or manipulated truths,

0:06:15.555,0:06:17.946
but through twisted reasoning[br]and sheer repetition,

0:06:17.946,0:06:19.904
OCD makes them seem valid.

0:06:21.436,0:06:25.181
You're probably most familiar[br]with obsessions around germs,

0:06:25.181,0:06:28.491
and it's not uncommon[br]to hear people without OCD say,

0:06:28.491,0:06:30.158
"I'm a bit of a germophobe."

0:06:30.738,0:06:34.347
But my obsessions don't just tell me[br]that something is gross.

0:06:35.025,0:06:38.545
My obsessions tell me that I am unsafe.

0:06:39.097,0:06:43.297
I am unsafe around coughing, sneezing,[br]heavy breathing, pungent smells,

0:06:43.297,0:06:45.874
or touching heavily-trafficked[br]doorknobs or handles.

0:06:46.604,0:06:50.470
As far back as middle school,[br]I've dreaded the cold and flu season.

0:06:50.470,0:06:53.325
I've walked through the path[br]of someone's recent coughing fit

0:06:53.325,0:06:55.689
holding my breath[br]to the point of headlightedness,

0:06:55.689,0:06:59.254
not allowing myself to breathe until[br]I've reached some unmarked buffer zone.

0:06:59.637,0:07:01.834
It's really remarkable[br]I'm not a physics major,

0:07:01.834,0:07:03.134
given the countless times

0:07:03.134,0:07:06.187
I've mentally calculated the velocity[br]of a sneeze headed my way,

0:07:06.187,0:07:08.851
and while no one likes to be sick,

0:07:09.361,0:07:12.715
when I have a cold,[br]it's especially torturous.

0:07:13.487,0:07:16.478
At no point do I feel more[br]uncomfortable by my surroundings,

0:07:16.478,0:07:18.784
and at no point do I feel[br]under greater threat.

0:07:18.784,0:07:21.956
I'm the embodiment[br]of what I perceive to be unsafe,

0:07:21.956,0:07:24.455
and I can't escape myself.

0:07:26.473,0:07:30.700
My compulsions around germs[br]are easiest to hide.

0:07:31.570,0:07:33.923
Through time and practice,[br]I've refined my face

0:07:33.923,0:07:36.478
specifically for these situations.

0:07:37.130,0:07:39.276
When I can't escape[br]though my mind is on fire,

0:07:39.276,0:07:41.875
I contort my face into a sea of calm.

0:07:42.535,0:07:47.020
I steel my spine, and suddenly[br]I lean away from the offense.

0:07:47.652,0:07:51.652
I crunch my hands[br]and release the pressure,

0:07:51.652,0:07:53.909
but if someone is talking to me,

0:07:55.059,0:07:59.315
it becomes increasingly difficult[br]to process what they're saying.

0:08:00.311,0:08:02.320
I come across as cold,

0:08:03.070,0:08:04.578
uncaring,

0:08:05.090,0:08:06.683
ambivalent.

0:08:08.037,0:08:10.359
This is the dichotomy I live by.

0:08:10.998,0:08:12.263
In my efforts to conceal,

0:08:12.263,0:08:16.321
I inadvertently manipulate the outward[br]representation of my character.

0:08:18.584,0:08:21.644
The social casualties of my OCD are vast.

0:08:22.304,0:08:24.724
In his 1897 book "Suicide,"

0:08:24.724,0:08:28.452
sociologist Émile Durkheim found[br]that integration into our communities

0:08:28.452,0:08:31.523
through these connections[br]we form with one another

0:08:31.523,0:08:35.208
decreases the likelihood[br]that we will end our lives.

0:08:36.026,0:08:39.373
And though I'm often alone,[br]I am not alone in my loneliness.

0:08:39.373,0:08:41.005
The former US Surgeon General said

0:08:41.005,0:08:44.064
that loneliness is one of the most[br]pressing public health risks,

0:08:44.064,0:08:46.253
and research shows that by 2030,

0:08:46.253,0:08:49.520
the loneliness public health crisis[br]is set to be an epidemic.

0:08:50.641,0:08:54.203
So the importance[br]of social connections is old news,

0:08:54.203,0:08:57.164
but it's actually never been[br]more relevant.

0:08:57.164,0:09:00.045
Friends are not just[br]those who share our lives;

0:09:00.045,0:09:03.082
friends safeguard our lives,

0:09:03.082,0:09:04.819
and that's a pretty big deal.

0:09:05.887,0:09:08.562
Though I don't have friends now,[br]I've had them before.

0:09:09.042,0:09:11.754
I had sporadic friendships growing up,[br]but in high school,

0:09:11.754,0:09:15.866
I finally found a group of people[br]and two mentors, two teachers,

0:09:15.866,0:09:18.063
Scott Roosevelt and Dan Lee,

0:09:18.063,0:09:22.449
who made me feel like I was a valid[br]and important member of the community.

0:09:23.135,0:09:25.580
That made me really happy.

0:09:25.580,0:09:27.472
They made me really happy.

0:09:28.271,0:09:30.688
Scott spoke to me with genuine compassion.

0:09:30.688,0:09:32.500
He was interested in my point of view,

0:09:32.500,0:09:35.044
and he made me feel[br]like I could change the world,

0:09:35.044,0:09:37.775
that it's not naive to stretch[br]further than you can reach;

0:09:37.775,0:09:40.417
in fact, that's the recipe for progress.

0:09:41.237,0:09:44.007
Dan was the thought leader[br]of our little community.

0:09:44.007,0:09:48.396
He encouraged us to succeed[br]and enabled our excessive enthusiasm.

0:09:48.722,0:09:51.727
We declared Dan's classroom Halloweentown,

0:09:51.727,0:09:55.051
and we hosted informal Thanksgiving lunch.

0:09:55.051,0:09:58.532
For the record, I should note[br]that is sparkling cider.

0:09:58.532,0:10:02.261
Dan is still a public school teacher,[br]and I believe he wishes to keep his job.

0:10:02.270,0:10:03.270
(Laughter)

0:10:03.280,0:10:06.524
Though these people,[br]my friends and mentors,

0:10:06.524,0:10:09.505
didn't know that I had a mental illness -

0:10:09.885,0:10:12.081
and I hadn't even been diagnosed yet -

0:10:12.771,0:10:16.305
their support made it easier[br]to cope with my OCD.

0:10:17.187,0:10:21.084
But I still struggled[br]to reconcile my social world

0:10:21.084,0:10:22.933
with my social obsessions.

0:10:23.632,0:10:26.254
I remember I was spending the night[br]at a friend's house,

0:10:26.254,0:10:27.808
and we were watching a movie.

0:10:27.808,0:10:31.032
It was the 2006 cult classic Aquamarine,

0:10:31.032,0:10:35.056
starring Emma Roberts,[br]Sara Paxton and pop icon Jo Jo.

0:10:35.289,0:10:37.972
Now, the movie is entirely[br]irrelevant to this anecdote,

0:10:37.972,0:10:40.408
but I like to celebrate art[br]whenever I get a chance,

0:10:40.408,0:10:41.766
so here we go.

0:10:42.770,0:10:46.259
I remember it well, though, because[br]long after everyone fell asleep,

0:10:46.259,0:10:47.714
I was awake.

0:10:48.664,0:10:53.519
My most debilitating obsession[br]comes to me in moments like this.

0:10:55.139,0:10:59.040
My most debilitating obsession[br]tells me that I'm a bad person -

0:11:00.520,0:11:02.402
that's just how it is -

0:11:03.237,0:11:05.797
that I operate under[br]the presumption of guilt

0:11:05.797,0:11:08.314
in all affairs of my life.

0:11:09.263,0:11:10.773
It isn't true.

0:11:10.773,0:11:12.537
I'm a good person.

0:11:12.537,0:11:16.407
I make every effort to see good in others,[br]but it's hard to see the good in myself

0:11:16.407,0:11:19.173
when my OCD tells me[br]that it doesn't exist.

0:11:20.173,0:11:21.771
And since OCD lives in my head,

0:11:21.771,0:11:24.497
it's difficult to separate it[br]from who I am.

0:11:25.611,0:11:27.626
I personified OCD.

0:11:28.570,0:11:31.684
I allowed it to link itself[br]to my moral and internal self.

0:11:31.684,0:11:35.004
I helped OCD shape my identity.

0:11:35.820,0:11:38.274
It started to seem[br]like I didn't just have OCD;

0:11:38.274,0:11:40.581
it was like I was OCD.

0:11:40.581,0:11:44.682
And that distinction fundamentally changed

0:11:44.682,0:11:47.248
the moral balance[br]of friendships in my life.

0:11:48.465,0:11:50.889
If OCD hadn't been a good friend to me,

0:11:50.889,0:11:53.320
why would it be a good friend[br]to anyone else?

0:11:54.170,0:11:57.383
And what would it say[br]about my true character?

0:11:57.383,0:11:58.977
Should I subject this onto others

0:11:58.977,0:12:02.479
when I so wish that[br]I wasn't subjected to it myself?

0:12:03.970,0:12:05.716
Under these conditions,

0:12:06.866,0:12:08.991
what choice did I have?

0:12:09.663,0:12:12.922
What choice did I have but to conclude[br]I would be a burden on others

0:12:12.922,0:12:14.920
should I seek or keep their friendships?

0:12:18.296,0:12:20.586
It was easy to slip into this mindset.

0:12:21.996,0:12:25.676
I dissolved my friendships,[br]and I didn't try to create new ones.

0:12:26.423,0:12:27.672
It was easy.

0:12:28.852,0:12:33.270
I abandoned the people[br]who did not abandon me.

0:12:33.766,0:12:37.039
I provided myself with evidence[br]that I was a bad person,

0:12:37.039,0:12:39.518
and although I thought I did this

0:12:39.518,0:12:42.299
to spare the people[br]I cared about from OCD,

0:12:42.852,0:12:44.410
to spare them from me,

0:12:45.758,0:12:47.963
maybe I really did it because I was afraid

0:12:49.043,0:12:53.711
that if they knew about my OCD[br]and decided that it didn't matter,

0:12:54.504,0:12:56.633
then my obsessions were for nothing.

0:12:58.980,0:13:00.843
Though there's no cure for OCD,

0:13:00.843,0:13:03.883
treatments like cognitive[br]behavioral therapy can help.

0:13:04.493,0:13:06.632
Essentially, you deliberately[br]subject yourself

0:13:06.632,0:13:10.223
to the situations and stimuli[br]that cause your obsessions

0:13:10.223,0:13:12.382
and gradually work up[br]on building a tolerance

0:13:12.382,0:13:14.367
by changing your perceptions.

0:13:15.009,0:13:19.424
It's incredibly hard work, and it requires[br]a little bit of bravery on my part.

0:13:19.424,0:13:22.271
I have a tendency to throw myself[br]into something completely,

0:13:22.271,0:13:25.042
but constantly exposing yourself[br]to your greatest anxieties

0:13:25.042,0:13:27.287
is mentally and physically taxing.

0:13:27.775,0:13:29.493
It's important to strike a balance,

0:13:29.493,0:13:33.171
otherwise I'm just baking in the sun[br]without sunscreen, and I definitely burn.

0:13:34.425,0:13:39.338
Separating OCD from my internal self[br]requires that I externalize it.

0:13:40.375,0:13:44.907
When I first learned of my diagnosis,[br]I told very few people,

0:13:44.907,0:13:47.952
and those I did tell I only told[br]the very surface level.

0:13:49.010,0:13:52.596
I then started out by telling a few[br]of my older friends in greater detail.

0:13:53.076,0:13:56.177
It was one of the hardest things[br]I've ever had to do,

0:13:56.177,0:13:59.511
but it forced me to recount[br]my personal narrative.

0:14:00.255,0:14:03.407
And that made it easier to see[br]that I do have agency,

0:14:03.407,0:14:08.028
that OCD is just an obstacle in my life,[br]and not the definition of my character.

0:14:10.131,0:14:12.233
I fear

0:14:13.089,0:14:17.403
voluntarily subjecting myself[br]to the stigma around mental illness.

0:14:18.998,0:14:21.319
When I first learned[br]I was to give this TED talk,

0:14:21.319,0:14:23.613
my obsessions kicked in.

0:14:24.085,0:14:25.821
I filled a few pages in my legal pad

0:14:25.821,0:14:28.842
with the pros and cons[br]of publicly disclosing my mental illness,

0:14:28.842,0:14:31.029
I listed the pros and cons[br]of each pro and con,

0:14:31.029,0:14:35.216
but through this I realized[br]if I chose to further conceal my OCD,

0:14:35.216,0:14:39.276
I'd be complicit in the silence[br]and shaming around mental illness.

0:14:39.276,0:14:43.269
It would be active choice to affirm OCD[br]as a core part of my internal identity,

0:14:43.269,0:14:45.643
and not something[br]that is significant in my life

0:14:45.643,0:14:50.683
but absolutely irrelevant to my character[br]and the quality of my friendship.

0:14:51.435,0:14:55.900
I refuse to disrespect my progress[br]and delegitimize others like me,

0:14:55.900,0:14:57.548
so that's why I'm here.

0:14:59.214,0:15:01.442
Though I'll always have OCD,

0:15:01.731,0:15:03.141
I'm getting better.

0:15:03.791,0:15:06.017
And I believe that people[br]with mental illnesses

0:15:06.017,0:15:09.466
should unabashedly aspire[br]to their personal flourishment

0:15:09.466,0:15:12.581
because it's what we deserve.

0:15:13.716,0:15:15.604
I don't have to help OCD.

0:15:16.807,0:15:18.305
I choose defiance.

0:15:18.695,0:15:20.393
I choose courage.

0:15:21.223,0:15:24.937
Though I don't have any friends right now,[br]I intend to have them in the future.

0:15:24.937,0:15:26.584
I'm a good person.

0:15:26.584,0:15:29.143
I'm worthy of friendship.

0:15:29.453,0:15:32.616
And I don't make[br]too bad of a friend myself.

0:15:35.231,0:15:36.563
Thank you.

0:15:36.563,0:15:38.709
(Applause)