WEBVTT

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I call myself a junkie.

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I refer to myself as a junkie
simply so I demystify it.

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I call myself a dope fiend

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because I'm a dope fiend.

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This is the "addiction issue".

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But, I mean,
there are lots of forms of addiction

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in the universe.

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[pensive music playing]

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I was in a good, stable marriage,

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writing books for children
that were bestsellers.

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I was getting more and more work

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and more and more fame,
and attention, and adulation.

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I got more

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as my addiction got worse, not less.

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My high bottom made that denial

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much more pervasive

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because it was all working.

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It's not working
because if you are asking yourself,

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"Can I stop this?"

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then you're in a prison of your own mind,

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and I was in that prison

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even though I was fabulous

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and all the bullshit part
of show-off business.

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I had been nursing
a secret Vicodin addiction

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for a very long time, over 10 years.

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Not one person knew
except a Brazilian healer woman.

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She had been staying with us,

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and this was December of '98.

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I make dinner,

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and buy all the food,

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and make the dinner,
and wrap the presents,

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and doing all my thing at Christmas time.

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And she was staying with us.

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And I was in my kitchen
and I had a pocket full of Vicodin.

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I had a glass of wine on the counter.

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It was five, you know,
it was "Vic o'clock".

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I mean,
it was just sort of like cocktail hour.

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And I pocketed five of them,

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you know, put them in my mouth,

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took a swig of wine,
and from behind me, I heard this"

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"You know, Jamie, I see you.

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"I see you with your little pills,

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"and you think you're so fabulous

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"and so great,

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"but the truth is you're dead.

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You're a dead woman."

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That was a first

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big, shocking realization

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that someone saw it,

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that it wasn't secret,

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that no one-- that "no one knew".

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Now it's January 1999,

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and there was an article
in Esquire magazine called

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"Vicodin, My Vicodin,"

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written by a man named Tom Chiarella.

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And in the article,

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he describes outing himself

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by writing the article;

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that by writing the article,
he knew his doctors

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wouldn't give them to him.

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He knew that his wife and family

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were going to be on to him.

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He was outing himself for a secret

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that he had been carrying,

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and that spoke to me probably louder
than anything else.

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All of a sudden, I went,
"Oh...

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someone else is just like me."

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So by February,

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I went to a friend of mine,
early February,

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and I went to a friend of mine.

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And I kind of--
we both had kids the same age,

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and I kind of, like, sidled up to her
and kind of like,

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[makes choking noises]

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and finally, you know, was able to say
that I had a problem with--

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with Vicodin.

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And she looked at me and said,

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"Yeah, I know me too.
Isn't it amazing?"

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And she gave me, at that moment,

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the number of a doctor
who would write you script.

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Because prior to that,
I didn't really get it from doctors:

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five-finger discount,
here and there; I had my ways.

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That night, when I woke up,

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sometime between sleep and waking,

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I had a moment of clarity
which saved my life,

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which is simply this:

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I imagined that she would die,

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and I would attend her funeral,

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and I would hug her children,

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and I would have blood on my hands.

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Or I would die,
and she would attend my funeral,

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and she would hug my children

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with blood on her hands.

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And in that moment, I understood
that it was going to kill me.

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And I called a friend of mine
who was in recovery,

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an old colleague of mine.

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And I was terrified
about being a public figure

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and walking into recovery centers

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and being around recovery.

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And I was terrified of it.

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And I said to my friend,
who was long time in recovery,

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I said, "Is there any way somebody famous

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can meet me

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and go with me into a recovery room?"

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And a woman called me,
and I met her,

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somebody I had never met,

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and she walked in with me,

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and I've been sober since that day.

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[contemplative piano music swells]

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The beautiful part of

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being able to acknowledge your own

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illness-- being an alcoholic,

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being a drug addict--

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to call yourself

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an alcoholic or a drug addict
is a badge of honor

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because the secret, the shameful secret,

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is the reason

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why it is such
a pervasive illness in our industry,

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in every industry,

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in every socioeconomic strata,

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in every country in the world.

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It is the secret shame
that keeps people locked up

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in their disease.

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I'm sober today.

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Am I going to be sober
for the rest of my life? I hope so.

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I'm going to do everything I can to be,

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but I'm saying I am an addict

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and I am in recovery,

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and I work a hard, good program,

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and I pay a lot of attention to it,

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but it's a pernicious,

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pernicious disease.

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I've broken ribs twice last year,

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and I had to take the very drug
that I loved.

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I was required to take
in order to be able to-- to exist,

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but I did it in a very carefully,

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very prescribed,

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very monitored way with a lot of contact.

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There was no secrecy.

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I wasn't hiding it.

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Like, it was out.

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The bottle was on the counter,

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my husband was, like-- everybody knew.

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You know, that's a big change for me,

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but, I mean, I'm an addict,
so I'm-- I'm--

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I'm in recovery.
I'm not recovered.

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Never will be,
but I am working on it.

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[pensive music continues]

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[music fades]