[Script Info] Title: [Events] Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:01.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I call myself a junkie. Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.87,0:00:06.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I refer to myself as a junkie\Nsimply so I demystify it. Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.30,0:00:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I call myself a dope fiend Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.50,0:00:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm a dope fiend. Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.00,0:00:13.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the "addiction issue". Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.27,0:00:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, I mean,\Nthere are lots of forms of addiction Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.07,0:00:17.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the universe. Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.43,0:00:20.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[pensive music playing] Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.83,0:00:30.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in a good, stable marriage, Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.93,0:00:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,writing books for children\Nthat were bestsellers. Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.83,0:00:35.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was getting more and more work Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.00,0:00:39.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and more and more fame,\Nand attention, and adulation. Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.67,0:00:41.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got more Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.13,0:00:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as my addiction got worse, not less. Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.50,0:00:47.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My high bottom made that denial Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.33,0:00:49.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,much more pervasive Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.57,0:00:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it was all working. Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.90,0:00:56.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not working\Nbecause if you are asking yourself, Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.43,0:00:57.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can I stop this?" Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.97,0:01:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you're in a prison of your own mind, Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.80,0:01:02.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was in that prison Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.70,0:01:04.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though I was fabulous Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.80,0:01:09.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all the bullshit part\Nof show-off business. Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.30,0:01:12.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had been nursing\Na secret Vicodin addiction Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.83,0:01:15.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for a very long time, over 10 years. Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.93,0:01:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not one person knew\Nexcept a Brazilian healer woman. Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.90,0:01:23.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She had been staying with us, Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.77,0:01:28.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this was December of '98. Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.83,0:01:29.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I make dinner, Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.00,0:01:32.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and buy all the food, Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.40,0:01:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and make the dinner,\Nand wrap the presents, Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.20,0:01:36.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and doing all my thing at Christmas time. Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.90,0:01:38.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she was staying with us. Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.43,0:01:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was in my kitchen\Nand I had a pocket full of Vicodin. Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.23,0:01:45.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a glass of wine on the counter. Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.87,0:01:48.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was five, you know,\Nit was "Vic o'clock". Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.37,0:01:51.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean,\Nit was just sort of like cocktail hour. Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.03,0:01:54.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I pocketed five of them, Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.70,0:01:56.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, put them in my mouth, Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.57,0:02:01.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,took a swig of wine,\Nand from behind me, I heard this" Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.27,0:02:05.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know, Jamie, I see you. Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.40,0:02:08.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I see you with your little pills, Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.43,0:02:11.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and you think you're so fabulous Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.80,0:02:15.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and so great, Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.37,0:02:17.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"but the truth is you're dead. Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.90,0:02:20.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're a dead woman." Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.73,0:02:26.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was a first Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.40,0:02:29.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,big, shocking realization Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.97,0:02:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that someone saw it, Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.13,0:02:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it wasn't secret, Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.40,0:02:39.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that no one-- that "no one knew". Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.30,0:02:42.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it's January 1999, Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.70,0:02:46.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there was an article\Nin Esquire magazine called Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.47,0:02:49.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Vicodin, My Vicodin," Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.13,0:02:51.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,written by a man named Tom Chiarella. Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.87,0:02:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in the article, Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.70,0:02:57.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he describes outing himself Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.63,0:03:00.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by writing the article; Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.43,0:03:03.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that by writing the article,\Nhe knew his doctors Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.03,0:03:04.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wouldn't give them to him. Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.43,0:03:07.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He knew that his wife and family Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.20,0:03:08.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were going to be on to him. Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.83,0:03:11.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was outing himself for a secret Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.03,0:03:12.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he had been carrying, Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.23,0:03:15.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that spoke to me probably louder\Nthan anything else. Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.90,0:03:18.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All of a sudden, I went,\N"Oh... Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.30,0:03:23.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone else is just like me." Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.07,0:03:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So by February, Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.60,0:03:29.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to a friend of mine,\Nearly February, Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.17,0:03:30.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I went to a friend of mine. Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.47,0:03:33.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I kind of--\Nwe both had kids the same age, Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.30,0:03:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I kind of, like, sidled up to her\Nand kind of like, Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.27,0:03:39.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[makes choking noises] Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.47,0:03:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and finally, you know, was able to say\Nthat I had a problem with-- Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.90,0:03:44.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with Vicodin. Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.80,0:03:45.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she looked at me and said, Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.97,0:03:49.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, I know me too.\NIsn't it amazing?" Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.63,0:03:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she gave me, at that moment, Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.90,0:03:56.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the number of a doctor\Nwho would write you script. Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.63,0:03:59.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because prior to that,\NI didn't really get it from doctors: Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.53,0:04:04.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,five-finger discount,\Nhere and there; I had my ways. Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.00,0:04:07.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That night, when I woke up, Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.90,0:04:11.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometime between sleep and waking, Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.33,0:04:14.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a moment of clarity\Nwhich saved my life, Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.87,0:04:16.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is simply this: Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.73,0:04:21.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I imagined that she would die, Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.27,0:04:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would attend her funeral, Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.90,0:04:26.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would hug her children, Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.63,0:04:29.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would have blood on my hands. Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.20,0:04:33.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or I would die,\Nand she would attend my funeral, Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.77,0:04:35.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she would hug my children Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.90,0:04:37.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with blood on her hands. Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.67,0:04:41.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in that moment, I understood\Nthat it was going to kill me. Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.33,0:04:45.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I called a friend of mine\Nwho was in recovery, Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.53,0:04:47.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an old colleague of mine. Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.77,0:04:51.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was terrified\Nabout being a public figure Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.00,0:04:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and walking into recovery centers Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.57,0:04:56.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and being around recovery. Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.37,0:04:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was terrified of it. Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.17,0:05:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said to my friend,\Nwho was long time in recovery, Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.30,0:05:07.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "Is there any way somebody famous Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.27,0:05:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can meet me Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.97,0:05:13.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and go with me into a recovery room?" Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.33,0:05:16.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a woman called me,\Nand I met her, Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.90,0:05:18.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody I had never met, Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.80,0:05:21.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she walked in with me, Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.53,0:05:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've been sober since that day. Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.20,0:05:28.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[contemplative piano music swells] Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.13,0:05:31.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The beautiful part of Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.27,0:05:35.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being able to acknowledge your own Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.10,0:05:37.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,illness-- being an alcoholic, Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.30,0:05:38.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being a drug addict-- Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.60,0:05:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to call yourself Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.03,0:05:44.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an alcoholic or a drug addict\Nis a badge of honor Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.10,0:05:48.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the secret, the shameful secret, Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.53,0:05:49.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the reason Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.67,0:05:55.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why it is such\Na pervasive illness in our industry, Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.07,0:05:57.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in every industry, Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.13,0:05:59.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in every socioeconomic strata, Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.67,0:06:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in every country in the world. Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.80,0:06:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is the secret shame\Nthat keeps people locked up Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.97,0:06:11.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in their disease. Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.10,0:06:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sober today. Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.00,0:06:17.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Am I going to be sober\Nfor the rest of my life? I hope so. Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.37,0:06:19.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to do everything I can to be, Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.33,0:06:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm saying I am an addict Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.90,0:06:23.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I am in recovery, Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.63,0:06:26.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I work a hard, good program, Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.10,0:06:29.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I pay a lot of attention to it, Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.17,0:06:31.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's a pernicious, Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.77,0:06:33.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,pernicious disease. Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.63,0:06:37.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've broken ribs twice last year, Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.90,0:06:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had to take the very drug\Nthat I loved. Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.70,0:06:49.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was required to take\Nin order to be able to-- to exist, Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.17,0:06:52.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I did it in a very carefully, Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.17,0:06:54.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very prescribed, Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.20,0:06:57.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very monitored way with a lot of contact. Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.90,0:06:59.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was no secrecy. Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.47,0:07:01.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasn't hiding it. Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.67,0:07:03.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, it was out. Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.27,0:07:05.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottle was on the counter, Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.63,0:07:07.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my husband was, like-- everybody knew. Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.00,0:07:09.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, that's a big change for me, Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.37,0:07:13.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but, I mean, I'm an addict,\Nso I'm-- I'm-- Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.03,0:07:16.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm in recovery.\NI'm not recovered. Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.17,0:07:19.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Never will be,\Nbut I am working on it. Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.47,0:07:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[pensive music continues] Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.30,0:07:46.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[music fades]