0:00:00.000,0:00:01.866
I call myself a junkie.

0:00:01.866,0:00:06.299
I refer to myself as a junkie[br]simply so I demystify it.

0:00:06.300,0:00:08.500
I call myself a dope fiend

0:00:08.500,0:00:11.000
because I'm a dope fiend.

0:00:11.000,0:00:13.266
This is the "addiction issue".

0:00:13.266,0:00:16.066
But, I mean,[br]there are lots of forms of addiction

0:00:16.066,0:00:17.432
in the universe.

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[pensive music playing]

0:00:28.833,0:00:30.933
I was in a good, stable marriage,

0:00:30.933,0:00:33.833
writing books for children[br]that were bestsellers.

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I was getting more and more work

0:00:36.000,0:00:39.666
and more and more fame,[br]and attention, and adulation.

0:00:39.666,0:00:41.132
I got more

0:00:41.133,0:00:43.499
as my addiction got worse, not less.

0:00:43.500,0:00:47.333
My high bottom made that denial

0:00:47.333,0:00:49.566
much more pervasive

0:00:49.566,0:00:51.899
because it was all working.

0:00:51.900,0:00:56.433
It's not working[br]because if you are asking yourself,

0:00:56.433,0:00:57.966
"Can I stop this?"

0:00:57.966,0:01:00.799
then you're in a prison of your own mind,

0:01:00.800,0:01:02.700
and I was in that prison

0:01:02.700,0:01:04.800
even though I was fabulous

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and all the bullshit part[br]of show-off business.

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I had been nursing[br]a secret Vicodin addiction

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for a very long time, over 10 years.

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Not one person knew[br]except a Brazilian healer woman.

0:01:20.900,0:01:23.766
She had been staying with us,

0:01:23.766,0:01:28.832
and this was December of '98.

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I make dinner,

0:01:30.000,0:01:32.400
and buy all the food,

0:01:32.400,0:01:34.200
and make the dinner,[br]and wrap the presents,

0:01:34.200,0:01:36.900
and doing all my thing at Christmas time.

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And she was staying with us.

0:01:38.433,0:01:43.233
And I was in my kitchen[br]and I had a pocket full of Vicodin.

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I had a glass of wine on the counter.

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It was five, you know,[br]it was "Vic o'clock".

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I mean,[br]it was just sort of like cocktail hour.

0:01:51.033,0:01:54.699
And I pocketed five of them,

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you know, put them in my mouth,

0:01:56.566,0:02:01.266
took a swig of wine,[br]and from behind me, I heard this"

0:02:01.266,0:02:05.399
"You know, Jamie, I see you.

0:02:05.400,0:02:08.433
"I see you with your little pills,

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"and you think you're so fabulous

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"and so great,

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"but the truth is you're dead.

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You're a dead woman."

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That was a first

0:02:26.400,0:02:29.966
big, shocking realization

0:02:29.966,0:02:33.132
that someone saw it,

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that it wasn't secret,

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that no one-- that "no one knew".

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Now it's January 1999,

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and there was an article[br]in Esquire magazine called

0:02:46.466,0:02:49.132
"Vicodin, My Vicodin,"

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written by a man named Tom Chiarella.

0:02:51.866,0:02:53.699
And in the article,

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he describes outing himself

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by writing the article;

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that by writing the article,[br]he knew his doctors

0:03:03.033,0:03:04.433
wouldn't give them to him.

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He knew that his wife and family

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were going to be on to him.

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He was outing himself for a secret

0:03:11.033,0:03:12.233
that he had been carrying,

0:03:12.233,0:03:15.899
and that spoke to me probably louder[br]than anything else.

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All of a sudden, I went,[br]"Oh...

0:03:18.300,0:03:23.066
someone else is just like me."

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So by February,

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I went to a friend of mine,[br]early February,

0:03:29.166,0:03:30.466
and I went to a friend of mine.

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And I kind of--[br]we both had kids the same age,

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and I kind of, like, sidled up to her[br]and kind of like,

0:03:36.266,0:03:39.466
[makes choking noises]

0:03:39.466,0:03:42.899
and finally, you know, was able to say[br]that I had a problem with--

0:03:42.900,0:03:44.800
with Vicodin.

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And she looked at me and said,

0:03:45.966,0:03:49.632
"Yeah, I know me too.[br]Isn't it amazing?"

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And she gave me, at that moment,

0:03:51.900,0:03:56.633
the number of a doctor[br]who would write you script.

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Because prior to that,[br]I didn't really get it from doctors:

0:03:59.533,0:04:04.999
five-finger discount,[br]here and there; I had my ways.

0:04:05.000,0:04:07.900
That night, when I woke up,

0:04:07.900,0:04:11.333
sometime between sleep and waking,

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I had a moment of clarity[br]which saved my life,

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which is simply this:

0:04:16.733,0:04:21.266
I imagined that she would die,

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and I would attend her funeral,

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and I would hug her children,

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and I would have blood on my hands.

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Or I would die,[br]and she would attend my funeral,

0:04:33.766,0:04:35.899
and she would hug my children

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with blood on her hands.

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And in that moment, I understood[br]that it was going to kill me.

0:04:41.333,0:04:45.533
And I called a friend of mine[br]who was in recovery,

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an old colleague of mine.

0:04:47.766,0:04:51.999
And I was terrified[br]about being a public figure

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and walking into recovery centers

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and being around recovery.

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And I was terrified of it.

0:04:58.166,0:05:03.299
And I said to my friend,[br]who was long time in recovery,

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I said, "Is there any way somebody famous

0:05:07.266,0:05:08.966
can meet me

0:05:08.966,0:05:13.332
and go with me into a recovery room?"

0:05:13.333,0:05:16.899
And a woman called me,[br]and I met her,

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somebody I had never met,

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and she walked in with me,

0:05:21.533,0:05:24.199
and I've been sober since that day.

0:05:24.200,0:05:28.133
[contemplative piano music swells]

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The beautiful part of

0:05:31.266,0:05:35.099
being able to acknowledge your own

0:05:35.100,0:05:37.300
illness-- being an alcoholic,

0:05:37.300,0:05:38.600
being a drug addict--

0:05:38.600,0:05:41.033
to call yourself

0:05:41.033,0:05:44.099
an alcoholic or a drug addict[br]is a badge of honor

0:05:44.100,0:05:48.533
because the secret, the shameful secret,

0:05:48.533,0:05:49.666
is the reason

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why it is such[br]a pervasive illness in our industry,

0:05:55.066,0:05:57.132
in every industry,

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in every socioeconomic strata,

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in every country in the world.

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It is the secret shame[br]that keeps people locked up

0:06:08.966,0:06:11.099
in their disease.

0:06:11.100,0:06:14.000
I'm sober today.

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Am I going to be sober[br]for the rest of my life? I hope so.

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I'm going to do everything I can to be,

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but I'm saying I am an addict

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and I am in recovery,

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and I work a hard, good program,

0:06:26.100,0:06:29.166
and I pay a lot of attention to it,

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but it's a pernicious,

0:06:31.766,0:06:33.632
pernicious disease.

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I've broken ribs twice last year,

0:06:37.900,0:06:43.700
and I had to take the very drug[br]that I loved.

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I was required to take[br]in order to be able to-- to exist,

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but I did it in a very carefully,

0:06:52.166,0:06:54.199
very prescribed,

0:06:54.200,0:06:57.900
very monitored way with a lot of contact.

0:06:57.900,0:06:59.466
There was no secrecy.

0:06:59.466,0:07:01.666
I wasn't hiding it.

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Like, it was out.

0:07:03.266,0:07:05.632
The bottle was on the counter,

0:07:05.633,0:07:07.999
my husband was, like-- everybody knew.

0:07:08.000,0:07:09.366
You know, that's a big change for me,

0:07:09.366,0:07:13.032
but, I mean, I'm an addict,[br]so I'm-- I'm--

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I'm in recovery.[br]I'm not recovered.

0:07:16.166,0:07:19.466
Never will be,[br]but I am working on it.

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[pensive music continues]

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[music fades]