WEBVTT

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I didn't know when I agreed to do this

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whether I was expected to talk or to sing.

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But when I was told
that the topic was language,

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I felt that I had to speak
about something for a moment.

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I have a problem.

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It's not the worst thing in the world.

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I'm fine.

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I'm not on fire.

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I know that other people in the world

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have far worse things to deal with,

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but for me, language and music

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are inextricably linked
through this one thing.

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And the thing is that I have a stutter.

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It might seem curious given that I spend

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a lot of my life on the stage.

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One would assume that I'm comfortable

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in the public sphere and comfortable here,

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speaking to you guys.

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But the truth is that I've spent
my life up until this point

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and including this point,
living in mortal dread

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of public speaking.

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Public singing, whole different thing.
(Laughter)

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But we'll get to that in a moment.

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I've never really talked about it
before so explicitly.

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I think that that's because
I've always lived in hope

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that when I was a grown-up,

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I wouldn't have one.

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I sort of lived with this idea
that when I'm grown,

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I'll have learned to speak French,

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and when I'm grown,
I'll learn how to manage my money,

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and when I'm grown,
I won't have a stutter,

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and then I'll be able to public speak
and maybe be the prime minister

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and anything's possible and, you know.

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(Laughter)

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So I can talk about it now

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because I've reached this point, where —

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I mean, I'm 28.

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I'm pretty sure that I'm grown now.

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(Laughter)

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And I'm an adult woman

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who spends her life as a performer,

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with a speech impediment.

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So, I might as well come clean about it.

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There are some interesting angles
to having a stutter.

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For me, the worst thing that can happen

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is meeting another stutterer.

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(Laughter)

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This happened to me in Hamburg,

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when this guy, we met and he said,

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"Hello, m-m-m-my name is Joe,"

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and I said,
"Oh, hello, m-m-m-my name is Meg."

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Imagine my horror when I realized

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he thought I was making fun of him.

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(Laughter)

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People think I'm drunk all the time.

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(Laughter)

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People think
that I've forgotten their name

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when I hesitate before saying it.

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And it is a very weird thing,

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because proper nouns are the worst.

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If I'm going to use the word "Wednesday"
in a sentence,

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and I'm coming up to the word,

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and I can feel
that I'm going to stutter or something,

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I can change the word to "tomorrow,"

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or "the day after Tuesday,"

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or something else.

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It's clunky, but you can get away with it,

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because over time I've developed this

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loophole method of using speech

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where right at the last minute you

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change the thing and you trick your brain.

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But with people's names,
you can't change them.

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(Laughter)

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When I was singing a lot of jazz,

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I worked a lot with a pianist
whose name was Steve.

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As you can probably gather,

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S's and T's, together or independently,

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are my kryptonite.

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But I would have to introduce the band

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over this rolling vamp,

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and when I got around to Steve,

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I'd often find myself stuck on the "St."

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And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable
and it totally kills the vibe.

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So after a few instances of this,

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Steve happily became "Seve,"

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and we got through it that way.
(Laughter)

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I've had a lot of therapy,

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and a common form of treatment is to use

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this technique that's called
smooth speech,

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which is where you almost sing
everything that you say.

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You kind of join everything together

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in this very singsong,
kindergarten teacher way,

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and it makes you sound very serene,
like you've had lots of Valium,

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and everything is calm.
(Laughter)

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That's not actually me.

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And I do use that. I do.

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I use it when I have to be on panel shows,

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or when I have to do radio interviews,

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when the economy of airtime is paramount.

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(Laughter)

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I get through it that way for my job.

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But as an artist who feels that their work

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is based solely on a platform of honesty

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and being real,

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that feels often like cheating.

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Which is why before I sing,
I wanted to tell you

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what singing means to me.

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It's more than making nice sounds,

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and it's more than making nice songs.

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It's more than feeling known,
or understood.

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It's more than making you feel
the things that I feel.

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It's not about mythology,

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or mythologizing myself to you.

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Somehow, through some miraculous

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synaptic function of the human brain,

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it's impossible to stutter when you sing.

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And when I was younger,
that was a method of treatment

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that worked very well for me,

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singing, so I did it a lot.

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And that's why I'm here today.

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(Applause)

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Thank you.

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Singing for me is sweet relief.

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It is the only time when I feel fluent.

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It is the only time
when what comes out of my mouth

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is comprehensively
exactly what I intended.

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(Laughter)

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So I know that this is a TED Talk,

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but now i'm going to TED sing.

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This is a song that I wrote last year.

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Thank you very much.
Thank you.

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(Applause)

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(Piano)

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♪ I would be a beauty ♪

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♪ but my nose ♪

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♪ is slightly too big ♪

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♪ for my face ♪

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♪ And I would be a dreamer ♪

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♪ but my dream ♪

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♪ is slightly too big ♪

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♪ for this space ♪

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♪ And I would be an angel ♪

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♪ but my halo ♪

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♪ it pales in the glow ♪

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♪ of your grace ♪

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♪ And I would be a joker ♪

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♪ but that card looks silly
when you play ♪

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♪ your ace ♪

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♪ I'd like to know ♪

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♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪

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♪ And I'd like to know ♪

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♪ know if you can tell ♪

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♪ that you make me lose
everything I know ♪

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♪ That I cannot choose to or not let go ♪

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♪ And I'd stay forever ♪

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♪ but my home ♪

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♪ is slightly too far ♪

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♪ from this place ♪

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♪ And I swear I tried to ♪

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♪ slow it down ♪

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♪ when I am walking at your pace ♪

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♪ But all I could think ♪

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♪ idling through the cities ♪

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♪ do I look pretty in the rain? ♪

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♪ And I don't know how someone ♪

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♪ quite so lovely ♪

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♪ makes me feel ugly ♪

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♪ So much shame ♪

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♪ And I'd like to know ♪

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♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪

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♪ And I'd like to know ♪

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♪ know if you can tell ♪

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♪ that you make me lose
everything I know ♪

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♪ that I cannot choose to or not let go ♪

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Thank you very much.
(Applause)