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Today I stand before you
as a man who lives life to the full

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in the here and now.

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But for a long time,

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I lived for death.

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I was a young man who believed

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that jihad is to be understood
in the language of force and violence.

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I tried to right wrongs
through power and aggression.

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I had deep concerns
for the suffering of others

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and a strong desire
to help and bring relief to them.

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I thought violent jihad was noble,

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chivalrous

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and the best way to help.

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At a time when so many of our people --

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young people especially --

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are at risk of radicalization

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through groups like al-Qaeda,

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Islamic State and others,

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when these groups are claiming

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that their horrific brutality
and violence are true jihad,

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I want to say that their idea
of jihad is wrong --

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completely wrong --

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as was mine, then.

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Jihad means to strive to one's utmost.

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It includes exertion and spirituality,

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self-purification

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and devotion.

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It refers to positive transformation

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through learning, wisdom
and remembrance of God.

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The word jihad stands
for all those meanings as a whole.

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Jihad may at times
take the form of fighting,

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but only sometimes,

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under strict conditions,

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within rules and limits.

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In Islam,

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the benefit of an act must outweigh
the harm or hardship it entails.

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More importantly,

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the verses in the Koran
that are connected to jihad or fighting

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do not cancel out the verses
that talk about forgiveness,

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benevolence

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or patience.

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But now I believe that there are
no circumstances on earth

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where violent jihad is permissible,

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because it will lead to greater harm.

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But now the idea of jihad
has been hijacked.

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It has been perverted
to mean violent struggle

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wherever Muslims
are undergoing difficulties,

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and turned into terrorism

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by fascistic Islamists like al-Qaeda,

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Islamic State and others.

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But I have come to understand

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that true jihad
means striving to the utmost

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to strengthen and live
those qualities which God loves:

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honesty, trustworthiness,

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compassion, benevolence,

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reliability, respect,

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truthfulness --

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human values that so many of us share.

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I was born in Bangladesh,

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but grew up mostly in England.

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And I went to school here.

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My father was an academic,

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and we were in the UK through his work.

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In 1971 we were in Bangladesh
when everything changed.

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The War of Independence
impacted upon us terribly,

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pitting family against family,

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neighbor against neighbor.

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And at the age of 12 I experienced war,

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destitution in my family,

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the deaths of 22
of my relatives in horrible ways,

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as well as the murder of my elder brother.

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I witnessed killing ...

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animals feeding on corpses in the streets,

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starvation all around me,

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wanton, horrific violence --

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senseless violence.

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I was a young man,

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teenager, fascinated by ideas.

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I wanted to learn,

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but I could not go to school
for four years.

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After the War of Independence,

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my father was put in prison
for two and a half years,

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and I used to visit him
every week in prison,

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and homeschooled myself.

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My father was released in 1973

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and he fled to England as a refugee,

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and we soon followed him.

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I was 17.

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So these experiences gave me

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a sharp awareness of the atrocities
and injustices in the world.

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And I had a strong desire --

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a very keen, deep desire --

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to right wrongs

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and help the victims of oppression.

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While studying at college in the UK,

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I met others who showed me
how I could channel that desire

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and help through my religion.

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And I was radicalized --

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enough to consider violence correct,

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even a virtue under certain circumstances.

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So I became involved
in the jihad in Afghanistan.

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I wanted to protect the Muslim Afghan
population against the Soviet army.

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And I thought that was jihad:

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my sacred duty,

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which would be rewarded by God.

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I became a preacher.

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I was one of the pioneers
of violent jihad in the UK.

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I recruited,

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I raised funds, I trained.

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I confused true jihad

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with this perversion
as presented by the fascist Islamists --

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these people who use the idea of jihad

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to justify their lust for power,
authority and control on earth:

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a perversion perpetuated today
by fascist Islamist groups

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like al-Qaeda, Islamic State and others.

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For a period of around 15 years,

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I fought for short periods of time

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in Kashmir and Burma,

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besides Afghanistan.

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Our aim was to remove the invaders,

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to bring relief to the oppressed victims

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and of course to establish
an Islamic state,

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a caliphate for God's rule.

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And I did this openly.

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I didn't break any laws.

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I was proud and grateful to be British --

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I still am.

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And I bore no hostility
against this, my country,

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nor enmity towards
the non-Muslim citizens,

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and I still don't.

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During one battle in Afghanistan,

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some British men and I
formed a special bond

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with a 15-year-old Afghani boy,

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Abdullah,

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an innocent, loving and lovable kid

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who was always eager to please.

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He was poor.

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And boys like him
did menial tasks in the camp.

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And he seemed happy enough,

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but I couldn't help wonder --

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his parents must have missed him dearly.

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And they must have dreamt
about a better future for him.

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A victim of circumstance
caught up in a war,

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cruelly thrust upon him

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by the cruel circumstances of the time.

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One day I picked up this unexploded
mortar shell in a trench,

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and I had it deposited
in a makeshift mud hut lab.

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And I went out on a short,
pointless skirmish --

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always pointless,

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And I came back a few hours later
to discover he was dead.

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He had tried to recover
explosives from that shell.

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It exploded, and he died a violent death,

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blown to bits by the very same device
that had proved harmless to me.

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So I started to question.

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How did his death serve any purpose?

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Why did he die and I lived?

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I carried on.

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I fought in Kashmir.

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I also recruited for the Philippines,

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Bosnia and Chechnya.

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And the questions grew.

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Later in Burma,

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I came across Rohingya fighters,

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who were barely teenagers,

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born and brought up in the jungle,

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carrying machine guns
and grenade launchers.

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I met two 13-year-olds
with soft manners and gentle voices.

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Looking at me,

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they begged me
to take them away to England.

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They simply wanted to go to school --

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that was their dream.

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My family --

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my children of the same age --

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were living at home in the UK,

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going to school,

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living a safe life.

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And I couldn't help wonder

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how much these young boys
must have spoken to one another

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about their dreams for such a life.

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Victims of circumstances:

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these two young boys,

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sleeping rough on the ground,
looking up at the stars,

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cynically exploited by their leaders

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for their personal lust
for glory and power.

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I soon witnessed boys like them
killing one another

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in conflicts between rival groups.

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And it was the same everywhere ...

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Afghanistan, Kashmir, Burma,

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Philippines, Chechnya;

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petty warlords got the young
and vulnerable to kill one another

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in the name of jihad.

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Muslims against Muslims.

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Not protecting anyone
against invaders or occupiers;

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not bringing relief to the oppressed.

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Children being used,

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cynically exploited;

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people dying in conflicts

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which I was supporting
in the name of jihad.

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And it still carries on today.

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Realizing that the violent jihad

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I had engaged in abroad

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was so different --

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such a chasm between
what I had experienced

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and what I thought was sacred duty --

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I had to reflect
on my activities here in the UK.

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I had to consider my preaching,

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recruiting, fund-raising,

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training,

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but most importantly, radicalizing --

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sending young people to fight and die

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as I was doing --

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all totally wrong.

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So I got involved
in violent jihad in the mid '80s,

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starting with Afghanistan.

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And by the time I finished
it was in the year 2000.

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I was completely immersed in it.

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All around me people supported,

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applauded,

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even celebrated what
we were doing in their name.

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But by the time I learned to get out,

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completely disillusioned in the year 2000,

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15 years had passed.

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So what goes wrong?

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We were so busy talking about virtue,

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and we were blinded by a cause.

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And we did not give ourselves a chance
to develop a virtuous character.

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We told ourselves
we were fighting for the oppressed,

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but these were unwinnable wars.

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We became the very instrument
through which more deaths occurred,

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complicit in causing further misery

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for the selfish benefit of the cruel few.

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So over time,

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a very long time,

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I opened my eyes.

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I began to dare

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to face the truth,

236
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to think,

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to face the hard questions.

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I got in touch with my soul.

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What have I learned?

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That people who engage
in violent jihadism,

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that people who are drawn
to these types of extremisms,

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are not that different to everyone else.

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But I believe such people can change.

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They can regain their hearts
and restore them

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by filling them
with human values that heal.

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When we ignore the realities,

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we discover that we accept what
we are told without critical reflection.

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And we ignore the gifts and advantages
that many of us would cherish

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even for a single moment in their lives.

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I engaged in actions
I thought were correct.

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But now I began to question
how I knew what I knew.

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I endlessly told others
to accept the truth,

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00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,480
but I failed to give doubt
its rightful place.

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This conviction that people can change
is rooted in my experience,

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00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:37,900
my own journey.

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00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,316
Through wide reading,

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reflecting,

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contemplation, self-knowledge,

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I discovered,

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I realized that Islamists' world
of us and them is false and unjust.

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00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:59,380
Through considering the uncertainties
in all that we had asserted,

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to the inviolable truths,

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incontestable truths,

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I developed a more nuanced understanding.

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I realized that in a world crowded
with variation and contradiction,

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foolish preachers,

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only foolish preachers
like I used to be,

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00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:30,460
see no paradox in the myths and fictions
they use to assert authenticity.

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00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:36,556
So I understood the vital
importance of self-knowledge,

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political awareness

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and the necessity
for a deep and wide understanding

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of our commitments and our actions,

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how they affect others.

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So my plea today to everyone,

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especially those who sincerely
believe in Islamist jihadism ...

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refuse dogmatic authority;

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let go of anger, hatred and violence;

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learn to right wrongs

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without even attempting to justify
cruel, unjust and futile behavior.

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Instead create a few
beautiful and useful things

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that outlive us.

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Approach the world, life,

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with love.

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Learn to develop

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or cultivate your hearts

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to see goodness, beauty and truth
in others and in the world.

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That way we do matter
more to ourselves ...

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to each other,

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to our communities

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and, for me, to God.

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This is jihad --

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my true jihad.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)