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I was one of the founding members
of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

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The other founding members
included Ahmed Ahmed,

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who is an Egyptian-American,
who actually had the idea

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to go to the Middle East and try it out
before we went out as a tour.

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He went out solo and did it first.

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Then there was Aron Kader,
who was the Palestinian-American.

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And then there was me,
the Iranian-American of the group.

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Now, being Iranian-American
presents its own set of problems,

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as you know.

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Those two countries
aren't getting along these days.

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So it causes a lot of inner
conflict, you know,

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like part of me likes me,
part of me hates me.

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(Laughter)

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Part of me thinks I should
have a nuclear program,

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the other part thinks
I can't be trusted with one.

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These are dilemmas I have every day.

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But I was born in Iran;
I'm now an American citizen,

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which means I have the American passport,

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which means I can travel.

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Because if you only have
the Iranian passport,

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you're kind of limited to the countries
you can go to with open arms,

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you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

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(Laughter)

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So, anyone who's gotten their passport
in America will tell you,

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when you get it, it still says
what country you were born in.

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So I remember getting
my American passport.

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I was like, "Woo-hoo!
I'm going to travel."

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And I opened it up, it said, "Born
in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

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(Laughter)

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"I'm trying to go places."

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(Laughter)

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But what's interesting is,

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I've never had trouble in any Western
countries with my American passport,

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even though it says,
"Born in Iran" -- no problems.

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Where I've had problems
is in some of the Arab countries.

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I guess some of the Arab countries
aren't getting along with Iran either.

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So I was in Kuwait recently,
doing a comedy show

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with some other American comedians.

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They all went through.

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Then the border patrol saw my American
passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

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Then he opened it up.
"Born in Iran? Wait."

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(Laughter)

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And he started asking me questions.

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He said, "What is your father's name?"

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I said, "Well, he's passed away,
but his name was Khosro."

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He goes, "What
is your grandfather's name?"

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I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

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His name was Jabbar."

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He says, "You wait. I'll be back,"
and he walked away.

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And I started freaking out,

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because I don't know what kind
of crap my grandfather was into.

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(Laughter)

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Thought the guy was going
to come back and be like,

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"We've been looking
for you for 200 years."

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(Laughter)

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"Your grandfather has
a parking violation. It's way overdue.

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You owe us two billion dollars."

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(Laughter)

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But as you can see, when I talk,
I speak with an American accent,

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which you would think,
as an Iranian-American actor,

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I should be able to play any part,
good, bad, what have you.

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But a lot of times in Hollywood,

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when casting directors find out
you're of Middle Eastern descent,

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they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

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Can you say 'I will kill you
in the name of Allah?'"

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I go, "I could say that,
but what if I were to say,

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'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

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They go, "Great! And then
you hijack the hospital."

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(Laughter)

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Like, I think you're
missing the point here.

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Don't get me wrong,
I don't mind playing bad guys.

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I want to play a bad guy.
I want to rob a bank.

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I want to rob a bank in a film,

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but do it with a gun, not with a bomb
strapped around me, right?

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(Laughter)

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Because I imagine the director:
"Maz, I think your character

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would rob the bank
with a bomb around him."

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"Why would I do that?

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If I want the money,
why would I kill myself?"

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(Laughter)

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Right?

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(Applause)

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"Gimme all your money,
or I'll blow myself up!"

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(Laughter)

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"Well, then blow yourself up.

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(Laughter)

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Just do it outside, please."

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(Laughter)

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But the fact is, there's good
people everywhere.

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That's what I try and show in my stand-up,
good people everywhere.

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All it takes in one person to mess it up.

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Like a couple months ago
in Times Square in New York,

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there was a Pakistani Muslim guy
who tried to blow up a car bomb.

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Now, I happened to be in Times Square
that night doing a comedy show.

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And a few months before that, there
was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

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who flew his airplane
into the IRS building,

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and I happened to be in Austin that day
doing a stand-up comedy show.

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Now I'll tell you,
as a Middle-Eastern male,

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when you show up around a lot
of these activities,

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you start feeling guilty at one point.

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(Laughter)

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I was watching the news. I'm like,
"Am I involved in this crap?"

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(Laughter)

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"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

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(Laughter)

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But what was interesting was,

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the Pakistani Muslim guy --
see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

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and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis
from all over the world.

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And one thing that happened there
was also the Pakistani Taliban

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took credit for that failed car bombing.

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My question is: Why would you take credit
for a failed car bombing?

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"We just want to say:

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we tried."

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(Laughter)

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"And furthermore ...

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(Laughter)

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it is the thought that counts."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

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(Laughter)

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But what happened was, when the white guy
flew his plane into the building,

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I know all my Middle Eastern
and Muslim friends in the States

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were watching TV, going,

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"Please, don't be Middle Eastern.
Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

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And the name came out: Jack.
I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

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But I kept watching the news
in case they came back,

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and were like, "Before he did it,
he converted to Islam."

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"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

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But the fact is, I've been lucky

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to get a chance to perform
all over the world,

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and I did a lot of shows
in the Middle East.

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I just did a seven-country solo tour.

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I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

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I was in Dubai.

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And it's great, there's good
people everywhere.

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And you learn great things
about these places.

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I encourage people always
to go visit these places.

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For example, Dubai -- cool place.

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They're obsessed with having the biggest,
tallest, longest, as we all know.

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They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

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It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

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I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!"
I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

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He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store.
It's three miles away.

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Out of my way. Out of my way.
Out of my way."

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(Laughter)

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And what's crazy -- there's a recession
going on, even in Dubai,

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but you wouldn't know by the prices.

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Like in the Dubai Mall,
they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

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It's like a drug deal.

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I was walking by. The guy goes,
"Psst! Habibi, my friend."

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(Laughter)

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"You want some frozen yogurt?

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(Laughter)

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Come here. Come here. Come here.

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I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram.
How many gram do you want?"

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(Laughter)

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I bought five grams. 10 dollars.
10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

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He's like, "Good stuff, man.
Colombian. Top of the line."

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(Laughter)

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The other thing you learn
when you travel in these countries,

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in the Middle East, Latin American,
South American countries,

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a lot of times when they build stuff,
there's no rules and regulations.

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For example, I took my two-year-old son
to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

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And I've taken him to playgrounds
all over the United States.

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And when you put your two-year-old
on a slide in the United States,

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they put something on the slide

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to slow the kid down
as he comes down the slide.

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Not in the Middle East.

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(Laughter)

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I put my two-year-old on the slide,
he went whoosh! He took off!

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(Laughter)

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I went down and, "Where's my son?"
"On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

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(Laughter)

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"You take a taxi.
You go to Zara. Make a left."

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(Laughter)

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"Try the yogurt. It's very good.
Little expensive."

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(Laughter)

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But one thing I try to do
with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

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And I've been guilty
of stereotyping as well.

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I was in Dubai. And there's a lot
of Indians who work in Dubai.

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And they don't get paid that well.

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And I got it in my head that all
the Indians must be workers.

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I forgot there's obviously
successful Indians in Dubai too.

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I was doing a show, and they said,
"We'll send a driver to pick you up."

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I went down to the lobby,
and saw this Indian guy.

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I go, "He must be my driver,"

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since he's standing there in a cheap
suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

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I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

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He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

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(Laughter)

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I go, "I'm sorry!
Why were you staring at me?"

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He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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(Laughter)

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I'll leave you with this: I try,
with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

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present Middle Easterners
and Muslims in a positive light.

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I hope that in the coming years,

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more film and television programs
come out of Hollywood,

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presenting us in a positive light.

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Who knows? Maybe one day,
we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

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"My name is Bond.

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Jamal Bond."

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(Laughter)

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Til then, I'll keep telling jokes.
Hope you keep laughing.

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Have a good day. Thank you.

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(Applause)