0:00:00.809,0:00:04.476
I was one of the founding members[br]of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

0:00:04.500,0:00:07.071
The other founding members[br]included Ahmed Ahmed,

0:00:07.095,0:00:10.046
who is an Egyptian-American,[br]who actually had the idea

0:00:10.070,0:00:13.349
to go to the Middle East and try it out[br]before we went out as a tour.

0:00:13.373,0:00:15.027
He went out solo and did it first.

0:00:15.051,0:00:17.976
Then there was Aron Kader,[br]who was the Palestinian-American.

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And then there was me,[br]the Iranian-American of the group.

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Now, being Iranian-American[br]presents its own set of problems,

0:00:24.020,0:00:25.191
as you know.

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Those two countries[br]aren't getting along these days.

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So it causes a lot of inner[br]conflict, you know,

0:00:30.000,0:00:32.182
like part of me likes me,[br]part of me hates me.

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(Laughter)

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Part of me thinks I should[br]have a nuclear program,

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the other part thinks[br]I can't be trusted with one.

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These are dilemmas I have every day.

0:00:40.702,0:00:43.429
But I was born in Iran;[br]I'm now an American citizen,

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which means I have the American passport,

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which means I can travel.

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Because if you only have[br]the Iranian passport,

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you're kind of limited to the countries[br]you can go to with open arms,

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you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

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(Laughter)

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So, anyone who's gotten their passport[br]in America will tell you,

0:01:02.268,0:01:05.175
when you get it, it still says[br]what country you were born in.

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So I remember getting[br]my American passport.

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I was like, "Woo-hoo![br]I'm going to travel."

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And I opened it up, it said, "Born[br]in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"

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(Laughter)

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"I'm trying to go places."

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(Laughter)

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But what's interesting is,

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I've never had trouble in any Western[br]countries with my American passport,

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even though it says,[br]"Born in Iran" -- no problems.

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Where I've had problems[br]is in some of the Arab countries.

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I guess some of the Arab countries[br]aren't getting along with Iran either.

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So I was in Kuwait recently,[br]doing a comedy show

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with some other American comedians.

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They all went through.

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Then the border patrol saw my American[br]passport: "Ah-ha! American, great."

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Then he opened it up.[br]"Born in Iran? Wait."

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(Laughter)

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And he started asking me questions.

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He said, "What is your father's name?"

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I said, "Well, he's passed away,[br]but his name was Khosro."

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He goes, "What[br]is your grandfather's name?"

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I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

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His name was Jabbar."

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He says, "You wait. I'll be back,"[br]and he walked away.

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And I started freaking out,

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because I don't know what kind[br]of crap my grandfather was into.

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(Laughter)

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Thought the guy was going[br]to come back and be like,

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"We've been looking[br]for you for 200 years."

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(Laughter)

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"Your grandfather has[br]a parking violation. It's way overdue.

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You owe us two billion dollars."

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(Laughter)

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But as you can see, when I talk,[br]I speak with an American accent,

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which you would think,[br]as an Iranian-American actor,

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I should be able to play any part,[br]good, bad, what have you.

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But a lot of times in Hollywood,

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when casting directors find out[br]you're of Middle Eastern descent,

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they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great!

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Can you say 'I will kill you[br]in the name of Allah?'"

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I go, "I could say that,[br]but what if I were to say,

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'Hello. I'm your doctor'?"

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They go, "Great! And then[br]you hijack the hospital."

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(Laughter)

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Like, I think you're[br]missing the point here.

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Don't get me wrong,[br]I don't mind playing bad guys.

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I want to play a bad guy.[br]I want to rob a bank.

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I want to rob a bank in a film,

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but do it with a gun, not with a bomb[br]strapped around me, right?

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(Laughter)

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Because I imagine the director:[br]"Maz, I think your character

0:03:05.882,0:03:07.976
would rob the bank[br]with a bomb around him."

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"Why would I do that?

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If I want the money,[br]why would I kill myself?"

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(Laughter)

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Right?

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(Applause)

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"Gimme all your money,[br]or I'll blow myself up!"

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(Laughter)

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"Well, then blow yourself up.

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(Laughter)

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Just do it outside, please."

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(Laughter)

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But the fact is, there's good[br]people everywhere.

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That's what I try and show in my stand-up,[br]good people everywhere.

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All it takes in one person to mess it up.

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Like a couple months ago[br]in Times Square in New York,

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there was a Pakistani Muslim guy[br]who tried to blow up a car bomb.

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Now, I happened to be in Times Square[br]that night doing a comedy show.

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And a few months before that, there[br]was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

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who flew his airplane[br]into the IRS building,

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and I happened to be in Austin that day[br]doing a stand-up comedy show.

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Now I'll tell you,[br]as a Middle-Eastern male,

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when you show up around a lot[br]of these activities,

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you start feeling guilty at one point.

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(Laughter)

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I was watching the news. I'm like,[br]"Am I involved in this crap?"

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(Laughter)

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"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

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(Laughter)

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But what was interesting was,

0:04:23.492,0:04:26.503
the Pakistani Muslim guy --[br]see, he gives a bad name to Muslims

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and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis[br]from all over the world.

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And one thing that happened there[br]was also the Pakistani Taliban

0:04:32.582,0:04:34.641
took credit for that failed car bombing.

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My question is: Why would you take credit[br]for a failed car bombing?

0:04:39.298,0:04:40.832
"We just want to say:

0:04:41.530,0:04:42.719
we tried."

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(Laughter)

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"And furthermore ...

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(Laughter)

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it is the thought that counts."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

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(Laughter)

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But what happened was, when the white guy[br]flew his plane into the building,

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I know all my Middle Eastern[br]and Muslim friends in the States

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were watching TV, going,

0:05:11.842,0:05:14.902
"Please, don't be Middle Eastern.[br]Don't be Hassan or Hussein."

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And the name came out: Jack.[br]I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!"

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But I kept watching the news[br]in case they came back,

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and were like, "Before he did it,[br]he converted to Islam."

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"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

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But the fact is, I've been lucky

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to get a chance to perform[br]all over the world,

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and I did a lot of shows[br]in the Middle East.

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I just did a seven-country solo tour.

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I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

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I was in Dubai.

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And it's great, there's good[br]people everywhere.

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And you learn great things[br]about these places.

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I encourage people always[br]to go visit these places.

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For example, Dubai -- cool place.

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They're obsessed with having the biggest,[br]tallest, longest, as we all know.

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They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

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It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

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I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!"[br]I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

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He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store.[br]It's three miles away.

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Out of my way. Out of my way.[br]Out of my way."

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(Laughter)

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And what's crazy -- there's a recession[br]going on, even in Dubai,

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but you wouldn't know by the prices.

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Like in the Dubai Mall,[br]they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

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It's like a drug deal.

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I was walking by. The guy goes,[br]"Psst! Habibi, my friend."

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(Laughter)

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"You want some frozen yogurt?

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(Laughter)

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Come here. Come here. Come here.

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I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram.[br]How many gram do you want?"

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(Laughter)

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I bought five grams. 10 dollars.[br]10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

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He's like, "Good stuff, man.[br]Colombian. Top of the line."

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(Laughter)

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The other thing you learn[br]when you travel in these countries,

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in the Middle East, Latin American,[br]South American countries,

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a lot of times when they build stuff,[br]there's no rules and regulations.

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For example, I took my two-year-old son[br]to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

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And I've taken him to playgrounds[br]all over the United States.

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And when you put your two-year-old[br]on a slide in the United States,

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they put something on the slide

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to slow the kid down[br]as he comes down the slide.

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Not in the Middle East.

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(Laughter)

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I put my two-year-old on the slide,[br]he went whoosh! He took off!

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(Laughter)

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I went down and, "Where's my son?"[br]"On the third floor, sir. Third floor."

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(Laughter)

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"You take a taxi.[br]You go to Zara. Make a left."

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(Laughter)

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"Try the yogurt. It's very good.[br]Little expensive."

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(Laughter)

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But one thing I try to do[br]with my stand-up is break stereotypes.

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And I've been guilty[br]of stereotyping as well.

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I was in Dubai. And there's a lot[br]of Indians who work in Dubai.

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And they don't get paid that well.

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And I got it in my head that all[br]the Indians must be workers.

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I forgot there's obviously[br]successful Indians in Dubai too.

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I was doing a show, and they said,[br]"We'll send a driver to pick you up."

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I went down to the lobby,[br]and saw this Indian guy.

0:07:49.095,0:07:50.488
I go, "He must be my driver,"

0:07:50.512,0:07:53.921
since he's standing there in a cheap[br]suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

0:07:53.945,0:07:55.799
I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?"

0:07:55.823,0:07:57.600
He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

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(Laughter)

0:08:02.094,0:08:04.312
I go, "I'm sorry![br]Why were you staring at me?"

0:08:04.336,0:08:06.378
He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

0:08:06.402,0:08:08.912
(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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(Laughter)

0:08:20.162,0:08:23.543
I'll leave you with this: I try,[br]with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

0:08:23.567,0:08:26.327
present Middle Easterners[br]and Muslims in a positive light.

0:08:26.351,0:08:27.926
I hope that in the coming years,

0:08:27.950,0:08:30.631
more film and television programs[br]come out of Hollywood,

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presenting us in a positive light.

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Who knows? Maybe one day,[br]we'll even have our own James Bond. Right?

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"My name is Bond.

0:08:37.594,0:08:38.755
Jamal Bond."

0:08:38.779,0:08:40.222
(Laughter)

0:08:40.246,0:08:42.969
Til then, I'll keep telling jokes.[br]Hope you keep laughing.

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Have a good day. Thank you.

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(Applause)