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I was one of the founding members

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of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

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The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

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who is an Egyptian-American,

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who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out.

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Before we went out as a tour,

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he went out solo and did it first.

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Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

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And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

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Now, being Iranian-American

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presents its own set of problems, as you know.

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Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

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So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

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like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

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Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

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the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

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These are dilemmas I have every day.

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But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

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which means I have the American passport,

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which means I can travel.

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Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

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you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to

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with open arms, you know --

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Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

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(Laughter)

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So anyone who's gotten their passport in America

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will tell you, when you get your passport,

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it still says what country you were born in.

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So I remember getting my American passport.

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I was like, "Woohoo! I'm going to travel."

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And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man."

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(Laughter)

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"I'm trying to go places."

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But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble

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traveling in any other Western countries with my American passport,

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even though it says, "Born in Iran." No problems.

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Where I've had some problems is some of the Arab countries,

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because I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

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And so I was in Kuwait recently,

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doing a comedy show with some other American comedians.

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They all went through, and then the border patrol saw my American passport.

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"Ah ha! American, great."

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Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

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(Laughter)

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And he started asking me questions.

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He said, "What is your father's name?"

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I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

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He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

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I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

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His name was Jabbar."

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He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

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And I started freaking out,

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because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

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(Laughter)

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Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

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"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

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(Laughter)

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"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

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You owe us two billion dollars."

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But as you can see, when I talk,

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I speak with an American accent, which you would think

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as an Iranian-American actor,

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I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

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But a lot of times in Hollywood,

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when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

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they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great.

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Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

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"I could say that, but what if I were to say,

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'Hello. I'm your doctor?'"

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They go, "Great. And then you hijack the hospital."

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(Laughter)

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Like I think you're missing the point here.

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Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

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I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

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I want to rob a bank in a film. I want to rob a bank in a film,

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but do it with a gun, with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right.

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(Laughter)

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Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

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would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

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"Why would I do that?

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If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

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(Laughter)

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Right.

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(Applause)

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"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up."

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(Laughter)

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"Well, then blow yourself up.

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Just do it outside, please."

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(Laughter)

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But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

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That's what I try and show in my stand-up. There's good people everywhere.

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All it takes in one person to mess it up.

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Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

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there was this Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

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Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night

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doing a comedy show.

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And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

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who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

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and I happened to be in Austin that day

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doing a stand-up comedy show.

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Now I'll tell you, as a Middle Eastern male,

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when you show up around a lot of these activities,

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you start feeling guilty at one point.

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I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

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(Laughter)

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"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

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(Laughter)

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But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy --

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see he gives a bad name to Muslims

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and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

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And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

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took credit for that failed car bombing.

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My question is: why would you take credit

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for a failed car bombing?

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"We just wanted to say

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we tried."

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(Laughter)

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"And furthermore,

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it is the thought that counts."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

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(Laughter)

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But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

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I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

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were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern.

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Don't be Hassan. Don't be Hussein."

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And the name came out Jack. I'm like, "Woooo!

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That's not one of us."

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But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

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they were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

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"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

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But the fact is, I've been lucky

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to get a chance to perform all over the world,

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and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

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I just did a seven-country solo tour.

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I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

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I was in Dubai.

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And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

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And you learn great things about these places.

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I encourage people always to go visit these places.

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For example, Dubai -- cool place.

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They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

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They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

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It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

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I was walking. I heard "Beep, beep."

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I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

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He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

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Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

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And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

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but you wouldn't know by the prices.

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Like in the Dubai Mall,

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they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

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It's like a drug deal.

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I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst. Habibi, my friend."

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(Laughter)

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"You want some frozen yogurt?

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Come here. Come here. Come here.

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I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

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(Laughter)

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I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

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He's like, "Good stuff, man. Columbian. Top of the line. Top of the line."

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The other thing you learn sometimes

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when you travel to these countries in the Middle East,

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sometimes in Latin American countries, South American countries --

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a lot of times when they build stuff,

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there's no rules and regulations.

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For example, I took my two year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

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And I've taken my two year-old son to playgrounds all over the United States.

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And when you put your two year-old on a slide in the United States,

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they put something on the slide

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to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

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Not in the Middle East.

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(Laughter)

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I put my two year-old on the slide; he went frrmrmm! He took off.

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I went down. I go, "Where's my son?"

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"On the third floor, sir. On the third floor."

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(Laughter)

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"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

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(Laughter)

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"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

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But one of the things I try to do with my stand-up is to break stereotypes.

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And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

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I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

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And they don't get paid that well.

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And I got it in my head that all the Indians there must be workers.

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And I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai as well.

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I was doing a show,

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and they said, "We're going to send a driver to pick you up."

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So I went down to the lobby, and I saw this Indian guy.

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I go, "He's got to be my driver."

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Because he was standing there in like a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

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So I went over, "Excuse me, sir, are you my driver?"

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He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

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(Laughter)

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I go, "I'm sorry. Then why were you staring at me?"

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He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

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(Applause)

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(Laughter)

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I'll leave you guys with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

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present Middle Easterners in a positive light -- Muslims in a positive light --

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and I hope that in the coming years,

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more film and television programs come out of Hollywood

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presenting us in a positive light.

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Who knows, maybe one day we'll even have our own James Bond, right.

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"My name is Bond, Jamal Bond."

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(Laughter)

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Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. I hope you keep laughing.

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Have a good day. Thank you.

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(Applause)