0:00:06.509,0:00:09.839
In the dark of the night, 4 a.m.,

0:00:11.157,0:00:14.637
I look over and my husband's not there.

0:00:17.817,0:00:20.973
I look further, and I find him

0:00:21.653,0:00:26.460
flat on his back,[br]looking at the ceiling, arms out.

0:00:28.096,0:00:32.635
"Our lives are hollow[br]and meaningless without children."

0:00:33.635,0:00:36.137
It had been two-and-a-half years

0:00:36.137,0:00:40.575
of hopes and prayers[br]and failed fertility treatments.

0:00:41.343,0:00:43.385
No one had come.

0:00:45.384,0:00:50.962
And the despair that ripped through[br]our hearts woke us night after night -

0:00:51.486,0:00:56.452
to the point where friends and family[br]called just to see how we were doing.

0:00:56.452,0:00:59.276
Because we so clearly were depressed.

0:01:00.056,0:01:03.422
As a clinical psychologist and scientist,

0:01:03.422,0:01:08.102
I had been trained to see[br]that depression is a disease.

0:01:08.603,0:01:13.373
Much like cancer or diabetes,[br]depression as a disease had symptoms

0:01:13.833,0:01:16.483
of despair and isolation.

0:01:17.244,0:01:22.483
And yet that simply did not explain[br]the road we were traveling,

0:01:23.017,0:01:28.191
nor did it explain the depression[br]that follows loss of a spouse,

0:01:28.463,0:01:30.993
miscarriage, trauma,

0:01:31.353,0:01:35.259
or the natural transitions[br]sophomore slump, mid-life crisis,

0:01:35.483,0:01:40.556
portholes in passages - chapter breaks[br]that seemed core to who we are -

0:01:41.935,0:01:44.860
were not aberrant illnesses.

0:01:45.177,0:01:47.383
They were not diseases.

0:01:48.177,0:01:51.077
And so my husband and I continued

0:01:51.077,0:01:56.176
with each cycle ending in a disappointment[br]that felt like a funeral.

0:01:56.583,0:02:01.039
And as we continued[br]down our road of trials,

0:02:01.757,0:02:07.437
we started ever so gradually,[br]over months and years

0:02:08.571,0:02:14.171
to open our eyes from a dark[br]and isolated place, quite alone,

0:02:16.373,0:02:22.507
to a place where we started to hear[br]the guidance of helpers and healers:

0:02:23.511,0:02:29.544
the folks who, on the Appalachian Trail,[br]through hikers called "trail angels"

0:02:30.912,0:02:34.236
for bringing food and water[br]when they need it most.

0:02:35.794,0:02:39.533
Our trail angels brought[br]what we needed most:

0:02:39.533,0:02:41.696
wisdom and guidance.

0:02:41.696,0:02:45.055
So one day I came home[br]after yet another in vitro

0:02:45.055,0:02:48.636
with the haunting feeling[br]as I drove my car

0:02:48.636,0:02:51.368
that this too was a failure.

0:02:51.368,0:02:54.433
And sure enough, as I stepped to the door,

0:02:55.871,0:02:59.282
the evidence was incontrovertible.

0:02:59.282,0:03:04.282
A tiny dead duck embryo[br]lay on my threshold.

0:03:05.351,0:03:09.524
And I knew it was not possible[br]the embryo in me was alive.

0:03:09.857,0:03:13.754
And so I went to bed[br]and had a long depressing nap

0:03:14.527,0:03:19.107
to awake - (Imitating knocking sound)[br]to a duck -

0:03:20.125,0:03:21.770
the mama duck,

0:03:21.770,0:03:25.003
who had lost her aspirational baby.

0:03:25.672,0:03:27.306
And the mama duck was persistent.

0:03:27.306,0:03:30.675
I thought what would the duck[br]want with me. (Imitating knocking sound)

0:03:30.675,0:03:32.277
She wanted to come towards me.

0:03:32.277,0:03:36.348
And as I opened the door,[br]I saw she had brought me a gift -

0:03:36.348,0:03:38.652
the most precious thing[br]in the world to her.

0:03:38.652,0:03:41.885
She had brought me a plump, juicy worm.

0:03:42.595,0:03:47.634
Mama duck and I, there we were,[br]two aspirational mothers, not alone.

0:03:47.995,0:03:50.567
Not alone because duck and I[br]were side by side,

0:03:50.567,0:03:54.652
and not alone because[br]of the great force that brought duck.

0:03:55.432,0:03:59.572
And so, too, through that force[br]came the guy on the bus.

0:03:59.572,0:04:02.630
And the guy on the bus winked,[br]leaned over, and said,

0:04:02.630,0:04:06.514
"You seem like just type of mother[br]that would go all around the world

0:04:06.514,0:04:11.446
adopting all types of kids,"[br]opening up that new possibility.

0:04:13.119,0:04:17.829
Listening to the helpers[br]and healers opened my awareness,

0:04:18.226,0:04:21.528
so that the next time[br]I was woken in the night

0:04:21.528,0:04:24.662
was not by the rip of depression,

0:04:24.662,0:04:28.948
but by a great[br]and clearly sacred presence -

0:04:30.169,0:04:35.304
a presence with a love so great[br]and a gravitas that I sat up.

0:04:36.837,0:04:41.917
And the presence said,[br]"If you were pregnant, would you adopt?"

0:04:41.917,0:04:47.253
And I said something so awesome[br]and great: the truth, which was, "No".

0:04:47.253,0:04:50.508
But I also knew that this journey

0:04:52.065,0:04:54.839
was more than a disease,

0:04:55.629,0:04:58.902
and that this depression[br]was opening the door

0:04:59.462,0:05:03.718
on a path of "becoming" -[br]a spiritual path.

0:05:10.775,0:05:13.537
Continuing down this path,

0:05:15.950,0:05:18.276
I wanted that baby.

0:05:18.756,0:05:22.417
It was great that I was on[br]a spiritual path, but I wanted that baby.

0:05:22.417,0:05:24.959
And so we didn't quit.

0:05:24.959,0:05:28.759
Up and down the East Coast[br]to the best IVF labs in the country.

0:05:28.759,0:05:33.249
We went so far as to find[br]the team that invented IVF,

0:05:33.935,0:05:39.455
and sitting there in solidarity[br]on bed rest with my spouse,

0:05:39.907,0:05:45.557
we found that the remote was stuck[br]in our hotel room on one channel -

0:05:46.943,0:05:50.688
one interminable documentary,[br]four hours

0:05:50.986,0:05:52.776
(Laughter)

0:05:53.986,0:05:56.053
of a little boy -

0:05:57.893,0:06:02.558
a little boy who stood[br]in a garbage dump alone,

0:06:04.498,0:06:10.173
and said, "I don't care that I'm poor.[br]I don't care that I can't go to school.

0:06:10.603,0:06:13.774
But it hurts so much to not be loved

0:06:13.774,0:06:17.504
that I sniff glue[br]to make the pain go away."

0:06:19.212,0:06:22.115
And lying there[br]in our multiple rounds of IVF,

0:06:22.115,0:06:24.416
my husband and I looked at each other.

0:06:24.416,0:06:26.290
And he said it first.

0:06:26.290,0:06:29.776
We knew there was a child[br]out there for us.

0:06:31.358,0:06:33.697
We made our way

0:06:34.727,0:06:38.499
to a wise woman[br]and hovered around her table,

0:06:38.499,0:06:40.899
the daughter of a once clergyman.

0:06:40.899,0:06:42.971
She looked at us and said,

0:06:42.971,0:06:46.150
"Frankly, what is it that you are[br]looking for in your child?"

0:06:46.700,0:06:48.324
And I leaned in and said,

0:06:48.944,0:06:52.308
"Well, I don't care[br]if this is a boy or a girl.

0:06:52.308,0:06:57.652
I don't care what race this child is.[br]Just please, a child who can love."

0:06:57.652,0:07:02.221
And my husband jumped in and he said,[br]"Well yes, all that, but kind of a girl."

0:07:02.221,0:07:04.348
(Laughter)

0:07:05.858,0:07:10.257
What we knew in common[br]was that the voice that said

0:07:10.257,0:07:15.779
you will never be parents, the voice[br]that came from being alone in darkness

0:07:16.168,0:07:19.836
was now a voice[br]that said parenting is love.

0:07:20.307,0:07:23.010
It hurts so much to not be loved.

0:07:23.010,0:07:26.354
All he wanted was a mom,[br]all I wanted was a child.

0:07:26.655,0:07:29.653
What would have made us family was love.

0:07:29.653,0:07:31.904
Parenting was love.

0:07:34.154,0:07:41.255
This was depression as a portal[br]to a world of connection, a world of love,

0:07:42.192,0:07:45.439
a world in which we walk a spiritual path.

0:07:46.668,0:07:50.691
This was depression[br]as only one side of the door.

0:07:51.704,0:07:56.780
And on the other [side of the] door[br]was illumination, warmth, light,

0:07:58.146,0:08:01.747
and spiritual path, a spiritual passage.

0:08:01.747,0:08:05.484
Now, as a clinical scientist, [br]it was clear to me

0:08:05.923,0:08:08.413
that anything true

0:08:09.223,0:08:13.804
through yet another human lense[br]of knowing can be again shown.

0:08:14.195,0:08:16.098
The certainty I had

0:08:16.098,0:08:20.153
that depression and spirituality[br]are two sides of one door

0:08:20.153,0:08:23.782
seemed well within reach of science.

0:08:24.403,0:08:29.473
And so my lab, together with that[br]of Myrna Weissman and Brad Peterson

0:08:29.473,0:08:33.011
and Rafi Bancell, did the science:

0:08:33.011,0:08:36.647
two sides of one door -[br]where is it in the brain?

0:08:36.647,0:08:42.021
Where is depression as the portal[br]of the spiritual path, not the disease.

0:08:42.517,0:08:44.622
And we found it.

0:08:44.622,0:08:48.331
And we found it in broad[br]and pervasive regions of the cortex.

0:08:49.231,0:08:50.856
We welcomed into our lab

0:08:50.856,0:08:56.235
deeply depressed people from families[br]loaded up with generations of depression,

0:08:56.235,0:09:00.632
and similar people with families[br]loaded up with generations of depression

0:09:00.632,0:09:03.203
who through their journey of suffering

0:09:03.203,0:09:07.241
had reached a foundationally[br]spiritual path.

0:09:07.747,0:09:13.204
People whose lead foot was now depression[br]for having traveled the darkness.

0:09:13.590,0:09:15.420
And what we found

0:09:15.420,0:09:19.160
was that in precisely[br]those regions of the brain

0:09:19.160,0:09:23.218
which atrophied and withered[br]in lifelong depression.

0:09:23.733,0:09:26.834
For those people with a strong[br]personal spirituality,

0:09:26.834,0:09:30.876
there was a thickening[br]of those very same regions.

0:09:30.876,0:09:32.595
The cortex was thick

0:09:32.595,0:09:35.975
as if you were looking[br]at a tree in the Amazon

0:09:35.975,0:09:39.967
versus a tree whithering[br]under the cold and drought.

0:09:40.410,0:09:44.816
Two sides of one door is in us. [br]Depression is not always an illness.

0:09:44.816,0:09:45.986
It can be.

0:09:45.986,0:09:49.588
We can need to be rebooted[br]or recalibrated or medicated.

0:09:49.588,0:09:50.725
It can be.

0:09:50.725,0:09:55.260
But very often, depression[br]as everyone will face it

0:09:56.196,0:10:01.229
is core to our endowment,[br]and core to our development.

0:10:04.204,0:10:07.373
My husband and I continued[br]now with this knowledge:

0:10:07.373,0:10:11.774
that we were on the spiritual path[br]in search of our child.

0:10:11.774,0:10:14.280
It was clear that our suffering[br]was not for naught,

0:10:14.280,0:10:16.686
it was not an empty symptom,

0:10:16.686,0:10:20.089
and with the awareness[br]that we were "becoming,"

0:10:21.722,0:10:23.818
the presence came back.

0:10:24.758,0:10:29.778
The presence asked the same question[br]in a deep and profound way.

0:10:30.263,0:10:33.168
And my answer was honest, [br]which is I am getting there.

0:10:33.168,0:10:36.429
I can feel we're down the road.

0:10:36.429,0:10:37.958
There is the possibility

0:10:37.958,0:10:40.840
of spiritually evolving into[br]the person who would answer yes.

0:10:40.840,0:10:42.639
But no, I'm not quite there

0:10:42.639,0:10:45.347
where I would still adopt[br]a child if I were pregnant.

0:10:45.977,0:10:48.513
My love has grown,[br]but is my love that great?

0:10:48.513,0:10:49.861
Not yet.

0:10:50.451,0:10:52.868
And so we continued, and I found myself

0:10:52.868,0:10:56.257
in the community of those[br]who for generations have known

0:10:56.257,0:10:59.257
that depression[br]is but one side of the door,

0:10:59.257,0:11:01.280
and spiritual awakening the other.

0:11:01.280,0:11:04.797
Seated on the floor[br]of the "Inipi", the sweat lodge,

0:11:04.797,0:11:08.630
among the Lakota in South Dakota,[br]I joined the circle of women.

0:11:09.580,0:11:12.939
And here, each woman talked about[br]the suffering which had brought her

0:11:12.939,0:11:14.677
to our collective prayer.

0:11:14.677,0:11:18.342
'My son, he's 40.[br]He has not come home to his family.'

0:11:18.342,0:11:21.847
'My son, he's 14, and he's starting[br]to use substance.'

0:11:21.847,0:11:26.141
I, in turn, shared that I was[br]searching for my spiritual child.

0:11:27.379,0:11:29.581
Together, we prayed and we sent it up.

0:11:29.581,0:11:34.684
We sent our prayer both for one another,[br]ourselves and the collective, up

0:11:35.933,0:11:38.239
to Great Spirit, "Wananchi."

0:11:42.539,0:11:45.140
That night, a call came.

0:11:45.140,0:11:50.546
They had found him, that very night[br]on the other side of the earth.

0:11:51.377,0:11:54.948
We have found the Miller's child[br]was the message.

0:11:54.948,0:11:58.124
There are great girls[br]and we can sure find you a girl,

0:11:58.684,0:12:02.131
but this is the Millers child,[br]and this is a son.

0:12:05.088,0:12:08.256
This time, clinical science

0:12:08.256,0:12:11.256
had something to say[br]to the spiritual path.

0:12:11.256,0:12:14.534
When we looked at the women[br]who, through suffering,

0:12:14.534,0:12:18.155
had come to a spiritual path,[br]with nice thick cortexes,

0:12:18.572,0:12:20.640
they also had another quality:

0:12:20.640,0:12:23.978
the back to their head gave off[br]a certain wave length of energy

0:12:23.978,0:12:25.415
that we call "Alpha."

0:12:25.415,0:12:29.595
And it's also found on the back[br]of the head of a meditating monk.

0:12:30.915,0:12:34.152
Alpha has another name,[br]it's Shuman's constant.

0:12:34.152,0:12:37.257
It's the wave length of the earth's crust.

0:12:37.257,0:12:43.166
The spiritually engaged brain vibrates[br]at the frequency at the earth's crust.

0:12:43.962,0:12:49.262
From the Inipi across the globe[br]was found Isaiah, in through this matrix

0:12:49.666,0:12:54.710
of consciousness, love, this sacred field[br]that is in us, through us, around us

0:12:54.710,0:12:57.249
and covers all living earth.

0:12:59.879,0:13:05.551
This is the world in which we live -[br]a world in which we're never alone

0:13:05.551,0:13:09.689
and in which there is guidance,[br]trail angels, helpers and healers.

0:13:09.689,0:13:13.256
And through the field of love[br]comes just the person,

0:13:13.256,0:13:19.298
the guy on the bus, the medicine woman,[br]just that living being, the duck,

0:13:20.029,0:13:24.004
the wise, generous animals,[br]our sisters and brothers.

0:13:24.402,0:13:29.672
In fact, we can no longer begin to think[br]that we are actors on an inert stage,

0:13:29.672,0:13:31.743
but that the world is alive

0:13:31.743,0:13:37.662
and infused with that sacred field[br]we might measure as high amplitude alpha.

0:13:38.486,0:13:42.373
Knowing this, we live[br]into an inspired life -

0:13:42.955,0:13:46.425
a life of meaning[br]that is not one that we create

0:13:46.425,0:13:50.234
but meaning that is truly[br]in the fabric of the world.

0:13:51.503,0:13:54.052
We live in an inspired life.

0:13:56.352,0:14:00.092
Isaiah, my son, had been found,[br]named Isaiah,

0:14:00.440,0:14:03.173
for "one world" in Lakota[br]for those who helped find him.

0:14:05.953,0:14:08.952
And yet, we still,[br]although far less depressed

0:14:08.952,0:14:11.286
and much more full of love and connection,

0:14:11.286,0:14:15.321
had the anxiety of actually[br]meeting him, finding him,

0:14:15.321,0:14:17.106
bringing him home.

0:14:17.625,0:14:21.762
And then one day, the FedEx came[br]and we peeled it open

0:14:21.762,0:14:23.063
and there was the video.

0:14:23.063,0:14:24.292
We popped it in

0:14:24.292,0:14:29.762
and the most joyous little boy,[br]full of happiness, arm around the nurse -

0:14:32.588,0:14:37.101
a love like I had never felt lifted me up,

0:14:37.578,0:14:41.584
and any remnant of depression[br]were shards on the ground.

0:14:41.584,0:14:46.464
And together, my husband and I[br]went to bed as parents.

0:14:47.050,0:14:50.593
That night, the presence came back -

0:14:51.692,0:14:54.625
the great sacred presence[br]for the third time.

0:14:54.625,0:14:58.418
"If you were pregnant now,[br]would you adopt?"

0:14:58.767,0:15:02.823
"Yes, I found my spiritual son, yes."

0:15:03.670,0:15:07.565
And that night,[br]we conceived naturally -

0:15:09.101,0:15:10.696
his sister.

0:15:12.626,0:15:14.925
We had spiritual twins.

0:15:16.505,0:15:19.044
So when you hear the knock,

0:15:20.254,0:15:22.297
consider the invitation.

0:15:24.057,0:15:30.736
What sounds shocking, and as if the hand[br]that takes from inside the darkness

0:15:31.334,0:15:34.692
when we walk through the door[br]is the hand that invites

0:15:34.692,0:15:37.563
that guides and ultimately gives.

0:15:39.830,0:15:43.819
On the other side of the door[br]is the inspired life

0:15:44.808,0:15:47.767
brought to us by the presence.

0:15:49.117,0:15:50.416
Thanks.

0:15:50.416,0:15:51.442
(Applause)