[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.07,0:00:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(organ music)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.21,0:00:07.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's hear it for my internal organs!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.60,0:00:09.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.36,0:00:17.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This bloke said to me, he said, I'm gonna\Ndress up as a small island off the coast
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.06,0:00:18.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of Italy. I said don't be sosilly.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.39,0:00:21.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.81,0:00:27.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think a parachute jump is the scariest\Nthing that I have ever, ever refused to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.08,0:00:29.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.94,0:00:32.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually I did want to do a parachute jump,\Nand of course they attach you to the
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.04,0:00:35.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instructor an they jump together. So I was\Nin this airplane and they attach me to this
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.11,0:00:37.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,bloke and we jumped out, and it was really\Nfrightening because half way down he
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.87,0:00:39.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,said, "How long have you been an instructor?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.30,0:00:42.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.95,0:00:47.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we've all heard the theory that people\Nlook like their pets, well tonight I'm gonna
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.03,0:00:49.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,test that theory out. You sir, have you got\Na llama?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.21,0:00:51.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.21,0:00:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just so you know, whoever sits there, I\Nalways say: "Have you got a llama."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.52,0:00:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just got lucky tonight.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.54,0:00:59.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.49,0:01:02.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I went to BBQ and I had a sweep-steak.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.41,0:01:04.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.17,0:01:08.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I met the man who invented windowsills.\NWhat a ledge.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.61,0:01:11.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.84,0:01:14.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this antique dealer came up to me,\Nhe said, what do you think of the Chinese
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.53,0:01:16.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dynasty? I said, it was very badly dubbed.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.58,0:01:18.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.47,0:01:24.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said I'm going to open a shop in Saudi\NArabia. He said, Dubai? I said, yes, and sell.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.82,0:01:26.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.60,0:01:30.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My grandfather was a very controversial\Nartist, he designed the lions in Trafalgar Square.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.45,0:01:33.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't sound very cutting-edge, but at the\Ntime that really put the cat amongst the pigeons.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.13,0:01:35.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.06,0:01:40.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said to this New Zealand bloke, I said\Nthat I am going to a Swedish furniture shop.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.86,0:01:42.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said does it look like "I care"?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.36,0:01:45.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.13,0:01:50.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said well I'm going to buy some furniture\Npolish. He said, pledge? I said, I give you my word.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.70,0:01:52.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.36,0:01:55.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well you're probably all thinking to yourself\Nthis is all very well but when do we get to
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.02,0:01:57.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sing with you, Tim? Well the answer is\Nnow, I'm actually totally deaf. I never
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.76,0:01:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thought he was going to say that!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.65,0:02:01.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.78,0:02:03.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This song is called Subtraction, take\Nit away!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.65,0:02:06.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.94,0:02:09.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hit the music please!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.70,0:02:11.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(music)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.40,0:02:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I only know the one dance.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.30,0:02:16.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(singing)\NIt's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.74,0:02:18.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(crowd)\NIt's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.53,0:02:19.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.13,0:02:21.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.84,0:02:23.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.46,0:02:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.13,0:02:26.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.72,0:02:27.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.42,0:02:29.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.10,0:02:31.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.60,0:02:32.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.27,0:02:34.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.84,0:02:35.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.49,0:02:37.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.40,0:02:39.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.79,0:02:40.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.44,0:02:42.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.93,0:02:44.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.64,0:02:45.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.20,0:02:47.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, easy, easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.88,0:02:48.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.30,0:02:50.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.98,0:02:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.64,0:02:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.18,0:02:56.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy. Blimey that was hard wasn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.30,0:02:58.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.02,0:03:07.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bnag! That's bang out of order.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.00,0:03:09.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.55,0:03:20.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know why I put myself through this.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.13,0:03:22.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.91,0:03:30.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(high-pitched voice)\NHello, my name is Bruce Willis, and I was in
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.27,0:03:32.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a Die Hard film and used to shoot at\Npeople and people would shoot back
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.79,0:03:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at me, yes, I'm Bruce Willis, I was in \NSixth Sense, I'm a film star, I'm Bruce Willis.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.91,0:03:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(regular voice)\NSorry, I may have given you the wrong impression.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.58,0:03:41.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.99,0:03:48.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I went to the binoculars shop, I'll tell\Nyou what, they saw me coming.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.99,0:03:50.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.71,0:03:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course binoculars is plural, the\Nsingular is: telescope.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.07,0:03:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.01,0:03:59.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I love language, this bloke said to me,\Ndoes every sentence have to contain a
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.43,0:04:01.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,vegetable? I said not necessa-celary.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.08,0:04:03.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.84,0:04:06.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then there's words. The word "mortar"\Nhas two different meanings. As I discovered
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.71,0:04:08.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the house I built blew itself up.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.97,0:04:10.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.53,0:04:13.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I went down to a local pub. Do you like\Nlocal jokes? Yeah, me too, they're right
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.53,0:04:14.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,up my street.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.47,0:04:16.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.73,0:04:19.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I walked in to a very drunk man slumped\Nin a chair. He looked at me he said, what
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.62,0:04:24.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you do for a living? I said I'm a comedian, \Nhe said I admire anyone who can stand up...
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.30,0:04:26.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.72,0:04:31.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, bet you can't name a single subject\NI don't have a joke about. He said, beavers.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.82,0:04:33.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, damn.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.74,0:04:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.40,0:04:40.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did a gig the other day, it went really\Nbadly.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.45,0:04:42.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cheers.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.92,0:04:46.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I walked off stage all I could hear\Nwas the sound of one person clapping.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.34,0:04:48.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I remembered I was wearing flip-flops.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.04,0:04:50.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.90,0:04:54.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Didn't make sense. The night before did a \Ngig to a whole lot of reindeers.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.43,0:04:55.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Slayed them!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.36,0:04:57.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.22,0:05:00.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That move improves the joke.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.88,0:05:02.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Doesn't work with all of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.72,0:05:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, the first job I had in this business\NI was playing the back half of a pantomime wasp.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.69,0:05:08.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought I was the bee's knees.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.21,0:05:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.85,0:05:13.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got lost in the jungle. Luckily I had a\Ncompass with me, so I was able to
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.88,0:05:15.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,draw perfect circles with a pencil.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.01,0:05:17.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.60,0:05:26.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A small blue garden bird made of\Nmahogany. Be great if I had a related
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.32,0:05:30.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,joke. Wouldn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.93,0:05:33.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.60,0:05:37.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hit the music please!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.08,0:05:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(music)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.33,0:05:43.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(singing)\NWaiting...
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.84,0:05:46.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can sometimes be...
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.12,0:05:49.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Lots of fun!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.71,0:05:55.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.52,0:06:15.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But not always.\N(music ends)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.52,0:06:18.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.85,0:06:25.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is really creepy, watch this.\N(laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.96,0:06:28.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(still laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.09,0:06:31.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.38,0:06:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have a friend who is always taking a \Nnipping at me for having a pay as you go
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.78,0:06:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,phone. He's always going: (singsong)\NYou got a pay as you go phone, you got
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.84,0:06:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a pay as you go phone. So eventually\NI took out a contract, and I had him killed.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.11,0:06:42.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.83,0:06:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said me and some friends have just\Nbeen talking about you. He said, you
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.24,0:06:49.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,disgust me. I said yes, we did.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.43,0:06:51.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.74,0:06:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, next time you're asleep I'm\Ngonna wake you up. I said, that's disturbing.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.42,0:06:59.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.05,0:07:06.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've nearly finished filling in my CV.\NI just got a little bit there.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.45,0:07:09.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.63,0:07:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think perhaps my worst invention\Nwas this rubber band wind chime.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.18,0:07:17.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.80,0:07:21.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Alright, pipe down.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.69,0:07:23.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.95,0:07:28.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to attempt something for\Nyou now. It's called, Pen Behind the Ear.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.38,0:07:31.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(cheers and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.19,0:07:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hit the music please!
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.09,0:07:35.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(music)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.83,0:08:05.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.61,0:08:08.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(music increasing intensity)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.50,0:08:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(music abruptly ends)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.84,0:08:21.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(awws)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.14,0:08:25.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.52,0:08:36.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(music starts up again)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.41,0:08:56.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(cheers and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.52,0:09:15.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now, ladies and gentlemen, the other ear!
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.90,0:09:17.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.69,0:09:24.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ladies and gentlemen I'll leave you this,\Nbecause to be honest with you, it doesn't
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.96,0:09:26.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,belong to me, I didn't bring it with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.38,0:09:29.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.38,0:09:32.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was standing on the beach, I walked into\Nthe waves holding a tub of taramasalata.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.40,0:09:35.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bloke said to me, what are you doing?\NI said, I'm taking a dip in the sea.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.68,0:09:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.74,0:09:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was steering a yacht with my stomach\Nmuscles. Ab sailing.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.73,0:09:46.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.97,0:09:50.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this farmer came up to me, he said\NI've got 68 sheep, can you round them up
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.13,0:09:51.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for me. I said sure, 70.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.44,0:09:54.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.88,0:10:00.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got to be honest with you ladies and\Ngentlemen, I don't think I'm going to be
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.28,0:10:01.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doing this job much longer.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.14,0:10:03.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(awws)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.60,0:10:05.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ok, not enough of you and too long\Na pause, but um-
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.91,0:10:07.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.54,0:10:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What concerns me is that one day,\NI'll wind up an old man.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.88,0:10:12.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he'll attack me.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.62,0:10:14.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.26,0:10:18.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a \Nsensational audience, thanks for coming
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.22,0:10:20.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,along tonight. Good night!
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.13,0:10:21.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(cheers and applause)