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(organ music)

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Let's hear it for my internal organs!

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(laughter and applause)

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This bloke said to me, he said, I'm gonna
dress up as a small island off the coast

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of Italy. I said don't be sosilly.

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(laughter)

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I think a parachute jump is the scariest
thing that I have ever, ever refused to do.

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(laughter)

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Actually I did want to do a parachute jump,
and of course they attach you to the

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instructor an they jump together. So I was
in this airplane and they attach me to this

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bloke and we jumped out, and it was really
frightening because half way down he

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said, "How long have you been an instructor?"

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(laughter)

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But we've all heard the theory that people
look like their pets, well tonight I'm gonna

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test that theory out. You sir, have you got
a llama?

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(laughter)

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Just so you know, whoever sits there, I
always say: "Have you got a llama."

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I just got lucky tonight.

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(laughter)

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So I went to BBQ and I had a sweep-steak.

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(laughter)

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And I met the man who invented windowsills.
What a ledge.

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(laughter)

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And this antique dealer came up to me,
he said, what do you think of the Chinese

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Dynasty? I said, it was very badly dubbed.

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(laughter)

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I said I'm going to open a shop in Saudi
Arabia. He said, Dubai? I said, yes, and sell.

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(laughter)

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My grandfather was a very controversial
artist, he designed the lions in Trafalgar Square.

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It doesn't sound very cutting-edge, but at the
time that really put the cat amongst the pigeons.

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(laughter)

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So I said to this New Zealand bloke, I said
that I am going to a Swedish furniture shop.

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He said does it look like "I care"?

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(laughter)

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I said well I'm going to buy some furniture
polish. He said, pledge? I said, I give you my word.

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(laughter)

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Well you're probably all thinking to yourself
this is all very well but when do we get to

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sing with you, Tim? Well the answer is
now, I'm actually totally deaf. I never

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thought he was going to say that!

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(laughter)

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This song is called Subtraction, take
it away!

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(laughter)

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Hit the music please!

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(music)

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I only know the one dance.

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(singing)
It's easy.

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(crowd)
It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy, easy, easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy.

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It's easy. Blimey that was hard wasn't it?

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(laughter)

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Bnag! That's bang out of order.

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(laughter)

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I don't know why I put myself through this.

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(laughter)

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(high-pitched voice)
Hello, my name is Bruce Willis, and I was in

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a Die Hard film and used to shoot at
people and people would shoot back

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at me, yes, I'm Bruce Willis, I was in 
Sixth Sense, I'm a film star, I'm Bruce Willis.

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(regular voice)
Sorry, I may have given you the wrong impression.

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(laughter)

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So I went to the binoculars shop, I'll tell
you what, they saw me coming.

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(laughter)

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Of course binoculars is plural, the
singular is: telescope.

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(laughter)

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But I love language, this bloke said to me,
does every sentence have to contain a

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vegetable? I said not necessa-celary.

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(laughter)

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And then there's words. The word "mortar"
has two different meanings. As I discovered

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when the house I built blew itself up.

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(laughter)

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So I went down to a local pub. Do you like
local jokes? Yeah, me too, they're right

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up my street.

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(laughter)

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I walked in to a very drunk man slumped
in a chair. He looked at me he said, what

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do you do for a living? I said I'm a comedian, 
he said I admire anyone who can stand up...

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(laughter)

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I said, bet you can't name a single subject
I don't have a joke about. He said, beavers.

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I said, damn.

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(laughter)

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I did a gig the other day, it went really
badly.

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Cheers.

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And I walked off stage all I could hear
was the sound of one person clapping.

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Then I remembered I was wearing flip-flops.

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(laughter)

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Didn't make sense. The night before did a 
gig to a whole lot of reindeers.

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Slayed them!

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(laughter)

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That move improves the joke.

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Doesn't work with all of them.

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You know, the first job I had in this business
I was playing the back half of a pantomime wasp.

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And I thought I was the bee's knees.

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(laughter)

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I got lost in the jungle. Luckily I had a
compass with me, so I was able to

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draw perfect circles with a pencil.

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(laughter)

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A small blue garden bird made of
mahogany. Be great if I had a related

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joke. Wouldn't it?

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(laughter and applause)

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Hit the music please!

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(music)

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(singing)
Waiting...

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Can sometimes be...

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Lots of fun!

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(laughter)

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But not always.
(music ends)

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(laughter and applause)

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This is really creepy, watch this.
(laughs)

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(still laughing)

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(laughter)

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I have a friend who is always taking a 
nipping at me for having a pay as you go

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phone. He's always going: (singsong)
You got a pay as you go phone, you got

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a pay as you go phone. So eventually
I took out a contract, and I had him killed.

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(laughter)

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So I said me and some friends have just
been talking about you. He said, you

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disgust me. I said yes, we did.

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(laughter)

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He said, next time you're asleep I'm
gonna wake you up. I said, that's disturbing.

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(laughter)

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I've nearly finished filling in my CV.
I just got a little bit there.

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(laughter and applause)

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I think perhaps my worst invention
was this rubber band wind chime.

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(laughter)

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Alright, pipe down.

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(laughter)

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I'm going to attempt something for
you now. It's called, Pen Behind the Ear.

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(cheers and applause)

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Hit the music please!

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(music)

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(laughter)

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(music increasing intensity)

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(music abruptly ends)

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(awws)

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(laughter)

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(music starts up again)

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(cheers and applause)

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And now, ladies and gentlemen, the other ear!

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(laughter)

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Ladies and gentlemen I'll leave you this,
because to be honest with you, it doesn't

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belong to me, I didn't bring it with me.

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(laughter)

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I was standing on the beach, I walked into
the waves holding a tub of taramasalata.

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Bloke said to me, what are you doing?
I said, I'm taking a dip in the sea.

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(laughter)

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So I was steering a yacht with my stomach
muscles. Ab sailing.

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(laughter)

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And this farmer came up to me, he said
I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up

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for me. I said sure, 70.

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(laughter and applause)

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I've got to be honest with you ladies and
gentlemen, I don't think I'm going to be

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doing this job much longer.

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(awws)

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Ok, not enough of you and too long
a pause, but um-

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(laughter)

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What concerns me is that one day,
I'll wind up an old man.

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And he'll attack me.

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(laughter)

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Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a 
sensational audience, thanks for coming

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along tonight. Good night!

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(cheers and applause)