0:00:01.070,0:00:04.375
(organ music)

0:00:05.214,0:00:07.305
Let's hear it for my internal organs!

0:00:07.598,0:00:09.096
(laughter and applause)

0:00:14.357,0:00:17.055
This bloke said to me, he said, I'm gonna[br]dress up as a small island off the coast

0:00:17.055,0:00:18.991
of Italy. I said don't be sosilly.

0:00:19.390,0:00:21.179
(laughter)

0:00:23.814,0:00:27.619
I think a parachute jump is the scariest[br]thing that I have ever, ever refused to do.

0:00:28.085,0:00:29.219
(laughter)

0:00:29.942,0:00:32.044
Actually I did want to do a parachute jump,[br]and of course they attach you to the

0:00:32.044,0:00:35.107
instructor an they jump together. So I was[br]in this airplane and they attach me to this

0:00:35.107,0:00:37.870
bloke and we jumped out, and it was really[br]frightening because half way down he

0:00:37.870,0:00:39.864
said, "How long have you been an instructor?"

0:00:40.303,0:00:42.480
(laughter)

0:00:43.952,0:00:47.031
But we've all heard the theory that people[br]look like their pets, well tonight I'm gonna

0:00:47.031,0:00:49.741
test that theory out. You sir, have you got[br]a llama?

0:00:50.209,0:00:51.677
(laughter)

0:00:53.211,0:00:55.950
Just so you know, whoever sits there, I[br]always say: "Have you got a llama."

0:00:56.519,0:00:57.918
I just got lucky tonight.

0:00:58.538,0:00:59.936
(laughter)

0:01:00.488,0:01:02.708
So I went to BBQ and I had a sweep-steak.

0:01:03.414,0:01:04.708
(laughter)

0:01:06.174,0:01:08.903
And I met the man who invented windowsills.[br]What a ledge.

0:01:09.610,0:01:11.061
(laughter)

0:01:11.839,0:01:14.530
And this antique dealer came up to me,[br]he said, what do you think of the Chinese

0:01:14.530,0:01:16.769
Dynasty? I said, it was very badly dubbed.

0:01:17.578,0:01:18.758
(laughter)

0:01:20.467,0:01:24.131
I said I'm going to open a shop in Saudi[br]Arabia. He said, Dubai? I said, yes, and sell.

0:01:24.821,0:01:26.132
(laughter)

0:01:26.599,0:01:30.139
My grandfather was a very controversial[br]artist, he designed the lions in Trafalgar Square.

0:01:30.454,0:01:33.439
It doesn't sound very cutting-edge, but at the[br]time that really put the cat amongst the pigeons.

0:01:34.129,0:01:35.538
(laughter)

0:01:37.065,0:01:40.858
So I said to this New Zealand bloke, I said[br]that I am going to a Swedish furniture shop.

0:01:40.858,0:01:42.939
He said does it look like "I care"?

0:01:44.358,0:01:45.419
(laughter)

0:01:47.129,0:01:50.698
I said well I'm going to buy some furniture[br]polish. He said, pledge? I said, I give you my word.

0:01:50.698,0:01:52.357
(laughter)

0:01:52.357,0:01:55.023
Well you're probably all thinking to yourself[br]this is all very well but when do we get to

0:01:55.023,0:01:57.761
sing with you, Tim? Well the answer is[br]now, I'm actually totally deaf. I never

0:01:57.761,0:01:59.991
thought he was going to say that!

0:02:00.649,0:02:01.648
(laughter)

0:02:01.780,0:02:03.894
This song is called Subtraction, take[br]it away!

0:02:04.648,0:02:06.116
(laughter)

0:02:07.940,0:02:09.345
Hit the music please!

0:02:09.702,0:02:11.073
(music)

0:02:12.396,0:02:13.738
I only know the one dance.

0:02:15.304,0:02:16.397
(singing)[br]It's easy.

0:02:16.739,0:02:18.029
(crowd)[br]It's easy.

0:02:18.531,0:02:19.802
It's easy.

0:02:20.127,0:02:21.396
It's easy.

0:02:21.835,0:02:23.030
It's easy.

0:02:23.462,0:02:24.500
It's easy.

0:02:25.127,0:02:26.240
It's easy.

0:02:26.719,0:02:27.959
It's easy.

0:02:28.417,0:02:29.719
It's easy.

0:02:30.095,0:02:31.335
It's easy.

0:02:31.597,0:02:32.742
It's easy.

0:02:33.270,0:02:34.189
It's easy.

0:02:34.835,0:02:35.708
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:36.494,0:02:37.397
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:38.398,0:02:39.379
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:39.792,0:02:40.887
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:41.438,0:02:42.395
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:42.931,0:02:44.160
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:44.642,0:02:45.914
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:46.205,0:02:47.610
It's easy, easy, easy.

0:02:47.881,0:02:48.818
It's easy.

0:02:49.299,0:02:50.645
It's easy.

0:02:50.977,0:02:52.270
It's easy.

0:02:52.643,0:02:53.802
It's easy.

0:02:54.175,0:02:56.966
It's easy. Blimey that was hard wasn't it?

0:02:57.301,0:02:58.996
(laughter)

0:03:06.016,0:03:07.789
Bnag! That's bang out of order.

0:03:08.000,0:03:09.143
(laughter)

0:03:18.551,0:03:20.809
I don't know why I put myself through this.

0:03:21.129,0:03:22.123
(laughter)

0:03:27.913,0:03:30.270
(high-pitched voice)[br]Hello, my name is Bruce Willis, and I was in

0:03:30.270,0:03:32.789
a Die Hard film and used to shoot at[br]people and people would shoot back

0:03:32.789,0:03:36.273
at me, yes, I'm Bruce Willis, I was in [br]Sixth Sense, I'm a film star, I'm Bruce Willis.

0:03:36.913,0:03:39.580
(regular voice)[br]Sorry, I may have given you the wrong impression.

0:03:39.580,0:03:41.694
(laughter)

0:03:45.986,0:03:48.610
So I went to the binoculars shop, I'll tell[br]you what, they saw me coming.

0:03:48.986,0:03:50.051
(laughter)

0:03:51.714,0:03:54.568
Of course binoculars is plural, the[br]singular is: telescope.

0:03:55.068,0:03:56.482
(laughter)

0:03:57.014,0:03:59.432
But I love language, this bloke said to me,[br]does every sentence have to contain a

0:03:59.432,0:04:01.565
vegetable? I said not necessa-celary.

0:04:02.076,0:04:03.503
(laughter)

0:04:03.838,0:04:06.709
And then there's words. The word "mortar"[br]has two different meanings. As I discovered

0:04:06.709,0:04:08.598
when the house I built blew itself up.

0:04:08.972,0:04:10.161
(laughter)

0:04:10.534,0:04:13.534
So I went down to a local pub. Do you like[br]local jokes? Yeah, me too, they're right

0:04:13.534,0:04:14.826
up my street.

0:04:15.471,0:04:16.459
(laughter)

0:04:16.732,0:04:19.618
I walked in to a very drunk man slumped[br]in a chair. He looked at me he said, what

0:04:19.618,0:04:24.148
do you do for a living? I said I'm a comedian, [br]he said I admire anyone who can stand up...

0:04:25.295,0:04:26.491
(laughter)

0:04:28.719,0:04:31.815
I said, bet you can't name a single subject[br]I don't have a joke about. He said, beavers.

0:04:31.815,0:04:33.170
I said, damn.

0:04:33.738,0:04:35.201
(laughter)

0:04:38.402,0:04:40.931
I did a gig the other day, it went really[br]badly.

0:04:41.451,0:04:42.253
Cheers.

0:04:42.917,0:04:46.342
And I walked off stage all I could hear[br]was the sound of one person clapping.

0:04:46.342,0:04:48.472
Then I remembered I was wearing flip-flops.

0:04:49.039,0:04:50.494
(laughter)

0:04:51.895,0:04:54.427
Didn't make sense. The night before did a [br]gig to a whole lot of reindeers.

0:04:54.427,0:04:55.747
Slayed them!

0:04:56.363,0:04:57.350
(laughter)

0:04:58.217,0:05:00.123
That move improves the joke.

0:05:00.882,0:05:02.383
Doesn't work with all of them.

0:05:02.720,0:05:05.780
You know, the first job I had in this business[br]I was playing the back half of a pantomime wasp.

0:05:06.686,0:05:08.780
And I thought I was the bee's knees.

0:05:09.207,0:05:10.460
(laughter)

0:05:10.850,0:05:13.882
I got lost in the jungle. Luckily I had a[br]compass with me, so I was able to

0:05:13.882,0:05:15.643
draw perfect circles with a pencil.

0:05:16.009,0:05:17.371
(laughter)

0:05:21.600,0:05:26.319
A small blue garden bird made of[br]mahogany. Be great if I had a related

0:05:26.319,0:05:30.225
joke. Wouldn't it?

0:05:30.933,0:05:33.193
(laughter and applause)

0:05:36.600,0:05:37.725
Hit the music please!

0:05:38.081,0:05:39.422
(music)

0:05:41.328,0:05:43.042
(singing)[br]Waiting...

0:05:44.841,0:05:46.997
Can sometimes be...

0:05:48.120,0:05:49.880
Lots of fun!

0:05:53.710,0:05:55.337
(laughter)

0:06:13.516,0:06:15.763
But not always.[br](music ends)

0:06:16.523,0:06:18.895
(laughter and applause)

0:06:20.848,0:06:25.815
This is really creepy, watch this.[br](laughs)

0:06:26.959,0:06:28.991
(still laughing)

0:06:30.088,0:06:31.584
(laughter)

0:06:32.378,0:06:34.784
I have a friend who is always taking a [br]nipping at me for having a pay as you go

0:06:34.784,0:06:36.845
phone. He's always going: (singsong)[br]You got a pay as you go phone, you got

0:06:36.845,0:06:40.441
a pay as you go phone. So eventually[br]I took out a contract, and I had him killed.

0:06:41.106,0:06:42.409
(laughter)

0:06:43.834,0:06:47.238
So I said me and some friends have just[br]been talking about you. He said, you

0:06:47.238,0:06:49.738
disgust me. I said yes, we did.

0:06:50.429,0:06:51.885
(laughter)

0:06:54.742,0:06:57.551
He said, next time you're asleep I'm[br]gonna wake you up. I said, that's disturbing.

0:06:58.421,0:06:59.584
(laughter)

0:07:03.051,0:07:06.050
I've nearly finished filling in my CV.[br]I just got a little bit there.

0:07:06.449,0:07:09.552
(laughter and applause)

0:07:11.633,0:07:14.763
I think perhaps my worst invention[br]was this rubber band wind chime.

0:07:16.178,0:07:17.261
(laughter)

0:07:19.799,0:07:21.946
Alright, pipe down.

0:07:22.688,0:07:23.978
(laughter)

0:07:25.946,0:07:28.688
I'm going to attempt something for[br]you now. It's called, Pen Behind the Ear.

0:07:29.381,0:07:31.059
(cheers and applause)

0:07:32.186,0:07:33.624
Hit the music please!

0:07:34.090,0:07:35.654
(music)

0:08:03.831,0:08:05.466
(laughter)

0:08:06.610,0:08:08.934
(music increasing intensity)

0:08:18.497,0:08:19.402
(music abruptly ends)

0:08:19.839,0:08:21.174
(awws)

0:08:23.141,0:08:25.028
(laughter)

0:08:34.517,0:08:36.155
(music starts up again)

0:08:54.410,0:08:56.777
(cheers and applause)

0:09:12.524,0:09:15.556
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the other ear!

0:09:15.899,0:09:17.463
(laughter)

0:09:21.690,0:09:24.963
Ladies and gentlemen I'll leave you this,[br]because to be honest with you, it doesn't

0:09:24.963,0:09:26.899
belong to me, I didn't bring it with me.

0:09:27.383,0:09:29.057
(laughter)

0:09:29.381,0:09:32.403
I was standing on the beach, I walked into[br]the waves holding a tub of taramasalata.

0:09:32.403,0:09:35.210
Bloke said to me, what are you doing?[br]I said, I'm taking a dip in the sea.

0:09:35.679,0:09:37.438
(laughter)

0:09:40.742,0:09:44.262
So I was steering a yacht with my stomach[br]muscles. Ab sailing.

0:09:44.732,0:09:46.231
(laughter)

0:09:46.972,0:09:50.131
And this farmer came up to me, he said[br]I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up

0:09:50.131,0:09:51.813
for me. I said sure, 70.

0:09:52.441,0:09:54.880
(laughter and applause)

0:09:57.877,0:10:00.283
I've got to be honest with you ladies and[br]gentlemen, I don't think I'm going to be

0:10:00.283,0:10:01.672
doing this job much longer.

0:10:02.138,0:10:03.251
(awws)

0:10:03.604,0:10:05.543
Ok, not enough of you and too long[br]a pause, but um-

0:10:05.910,0:10:07.219
(laughter)

0:10:07.541,0:10:10.885
What concerns me is that one day,[br]I'll wind up an old man.

0:10:10.885,0:10:12.259
And he'll attack me.

0:10:12.624,0:10:14.095
(laughter)

0:10:16.259,0:10:18.220
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a [br]sensational audience, thanks for coming

0:10:18.220,0:10:20.126
along tonight. Good night!

0:10:20.126,0:10:21.112
(cheers and applause)