0:00:12.104,0:00:14.712
Tennessee Williams once told us,

0:00:15.252,0:00:17.881
"There comes a time[br]when you look into the mirror

0:00:18.103,0:00:21.853
and you realize that what you see[br]is all you'll ever be,

0:00:22.799,0:00:26.349
and then you accept it[br]or you kill yourself,

0:00:26.530,0:00:28.090
(Laughter)

0:00:28.160,0:00:30.611
or you stop looking in mirrors."

0:00:30.791,0:00:32.711
(Laughter)

0:00:33.321,0:00:35.811
And speaking of mirrors,[br]someone else once said,

0:00:36.107,0:00:40.243
"If we spend too much time scrutinizing[br]what's in our rearview mirror,

0:00:40.563,0:00:43.653
we're certain to crash[br]into a light post.''

0:00:44.651,0:00:48.956
I've spent the last four years of my life[br]studying people who look in mirrors,

0:00:49.189,0:00:52.973
rearview and otherwise[br]in their search for self-awareness.

0:00:53.210,0:00:56.330
I wanted to know[br]what self-awareness really is,

0:00:56.817,0:00:58.357
where it comes from,

0:00:58.429,0:00:59.897
why we need it,

0:00:59.897,0:01:01.894
and how to get more of it.

0:01:02.259,0:01:06.163
My research team surveyed[br]quantitatively thousands of people.

0:01:06.622,0:01:10.289
We analyzed nearly 800 scientific studies.

0:01:10.454,0:01:13.824
And we conducted dozens[br]of in-depth interviews

0:01:13.980,0:01:17.972
with people who made dramatic[br]improvements in their self-awareness.

0:01:18.509,0:01:20.059
Now, initially,

0:01:20.059,0:01:23.369
we were actually so worried[br]that we wouldn't find any of these people

0:01:23.482,0:01:26.456
that we called them[br]self-awareness unicorns.

0:01:26.602,0:01:27.682
(Laughter)

0:01:27.682,0:01:28.676
True.

0:01:28.690,0:01:30.991
But thank goodness, we did find them.

0:01:31.465,0:01:33.997
Because what these unicorns taught me

0:01:34.163,0:01:36.821
would create a ground-breaking revelation

0:01:36.821,0:01:40.499
for how all of us can find[br]genuine self-awareness.

0:01:40.941,0:01:42.970
And that's what I want to share with you.

0:01:43.294,0:01:48.364
Today, I want you to reflect[br]on how you're reflecting.

0:01:49.938,0:01:51.497
I know that's a mouthful.

0:01:51.504,0:01:53.770
And to get there,[br]we're going to need to shatter

0:01:53.770,0:01:58.070
one of the most widely held beliefs[br]about finding self-awareness.

0:01:58.770,0:02:00.074
But first things first.

0:02:00.074,0:02:02.965
What is this thing we call[br]self-awareness anyway?

0:02:03.572,0:02:06.251
It's the ability to see ourselves clearly,

0:02:06.644,0:02:10.227
to understand who we are,[br]how others see us

0:02:10.375,0:02:12.373
and how we fit into the world.

0:02:13.028,0:02:15.274
Self-awareness gives us power.

0:02:16.183,0:02:18.529
We might not always like what we see,

0:02:18.529,0:02:21.515
but there's a comfort[br]in knowing ourselves.

0:02:21.630,0:02:23.915
And there's actually a ton of research

0:02:23.915,0:02:27.440
showing that people who are self-aware[br]are more fulfilled.

0:02:27.849,0:02:30.081
They have stronger relationships.

0:02:30.102,0:02:31.403
They're more creative.

0:02:31.472,0:02:34.595
They're more confident[br]and better communicators.

0:02:35.258,0:02:38.453
They are less likely to lie,[br]cheat, and steal.

0:02:39.144,0:02:42.396
They perform better at work[br]and are more promotable.

0:02:42.855,0:02:47.790
And they're more effective leaders[br]with more profitable companies.

0:02:49.293,0:02:53.325
In the world of self-awareness,[br]there are two types of people:

0:02:54.818,0:02:57.031
those who think they're self-aware,

0:02:57.031,0:02:58.474
(Laughter)

0:02:59.651,0:03:01.553
and those who actually are.

0:03:02.667,0:03:03.728
It's true.

0:03:03.796,0:03:08.841
My team has found that 95% of people[br]think they're self-aware,

0:03:08.891,0:03:10.732
(Laughter)

0:03:10.732,0:03:15.107
but the real number[br]is closer to 10 to 15%.

0:03:16.497,0:03:18.498
You know what this means, don't you?

0:03:18.498,0:03:20.798
(Laughter)

0:03:20.798,0:03:23.928
It means that on a good day -[br]on a good day -

0:03:24.048,0:03:27.011
80% of us are lying to ourselves

0:03:27.034,0:03:28.394
(Laughter)

0:03:28.394,0:03:31.050
about whether we're lying to ourselves.

0:03:31.075,0:03:32.945
(Laughter)

0:03:32.975,0:03:34.364
Pretty scary, right?

0:03:35.055,0:03:40.405
So you can imagine the challenge we had[br]in figuring out who was truly self-aware.

0:03:41.319,0:03:43.662
What do you think[br]would've happened if I had said,

0:03:43.662,0:03:45.840
"Hey! How self-aware are you?"

0:03:46.218,0:03:47.114
Exactly.

0:03:48.180,0:03:53.182
So to be part of our research,[br]our unicorns had to clear four hurdles.

0:03:53.839,0:03:56.285
They had to believe they were self-aware

0:03:56.285,0:04:00.154
as measured by an assessment[br]my team developed and validated.

0:04:01.183,0:04:06.316
Using that same assessment,[br]someone who knew them well had to agree.

0:04:07.167,0:04:08.250
They had to believe

0:04:08.250,0:04:11.141
that they'd increased[br]their self-awareness in their life,

0:04:11.866,0:04:14.984
and the person rating them had to agree.

0:04:16.021,0:04:18.254
We found 50 people

0:04:18.725,0:04:23.262
out of hundreds and hundreds[br]and hundreds who met our criteria.

0:04:23.599,0:04:29.358
They were professionals, entrepreneurs,[br]artists, students, stay-at-home parents.

0:04:30.112,0:04:35.901
And we didn't find any patterns[br]by industry, age, gender

0:04:35.901,0:04:38.734
or any other demographic characteristic.

0:04:39.899,0:04:43.854
These unicorns helped my team[br]discover a most surprising truth.

0:04:44.771,0:04:46.888
That approach you're using to examine

0:04:46.888,0:04:50.311
your thoughts, your feelings,[br]and your motives,

0:04:50.654,0:04:52.605
you know, introspection.

0:04:52.816,0:04:55.087
Well, you're probably doing it -

0:04:55.412,0:04:57.355
there's no easy way to say this -

0:04:57.938,0:05:00.912
you're probably doing it totally wrong.

0:05:02.260,0:05:06.380
Yes, there is a reason[br]so few of us are self-aware.

0:05:07.339,0:05:09.069
So let me tell you about the evening

0:05:09.069,0:05:12.991
that I first discovered the ugly truth[br]about introspection.

0:05:13.668,0:05:17.469
It was about 10 p.m. on a beautiful[br]Colorado spring evening.

0:05:17.636,0:05:18.832
And I was in my office,

0:05:18.832,0:05:22.146
hopped up on Diet Coke[br]and Smartfood popcorn.

0:05:22.166,0:05:23.656
(Laughter)

0:05:23.896,0:05:26.438
And I just analyzed a set of data,

0:05:26.438,0:05:30.048
and to say that I was surprised[br]would be an understatement.

0:05:30.530,0:05:33.060
My team and I had just run a simple study

0:05:33.244,0:05:35.863
looking at the relationship[br]between introspection

0:05:36.189,0:05:40.468
and things like happiness,[br]stress and job satisfaction.

0:05:41.321,0:05:45.246
Naturally, the people who introspected[br]would be better off.

0:05:45.738,0:05:47.228
Wouldn't you think so?

0:05:48.712,0:05:51.619
Our data told the exact opposite story.

0:05:52.659,0:05:56.904
People who introspected[br]were more stressed and depressed,

0:05:58.068,0:06:01.417
less satisfied with their jobs[br]and their relationships,

0:06:02.093,0:06:06.736
less in control of their lives.

0:06:08.116,0:06:10.462
I had no idea what was going on.

0:06:10.527,0:06:12.127
And it got worse.

0:06:12.615,0:06:17.566
These negative consequences increased[br]the more they introspected.

0:06:17.671,0:06:19.821
(Laughter)

0:06:20.111,0:06:23.137
So I was quite confused.

0:06:23.846,0:06:27.738
Later that week, I ended up[br]coming across a 20-year-old study

0:06:27.818,0:06:31.559
that looked at how widowers[br]adjusted to life without their partners.

0:06:32.330,0:06:33.653
The researchers found

0:06:33.653,0:06:37.244
that those who try to understand[br]the meaning of their loss

0:06:37.504,0:06:42.277
were happier, less depressed[br]one month later,

0:06:42.833,0:06:46.226
but one year later,[br]were more depressed.

0:06:47.233,0:06:51.044
They were fixated on what happened[br]instead of moving forward.

0:06:51.923,0:06:53.478
Have you been there?

0:06:53.552,0:06:54.959
I have.

0:06:55.599,0:07:00.777
Self-analysis can trap us[br]in a mental hell of our own making.

0:07:02.026,0:07:04.668
So things were starting to make sense.

0:07:05.738,0:07:08.743
Now, you Die Hard self-awareness fans

0:07:08.746,0:07:12.831
and particularly introspection fans[br]in the audience might be thinking,

0:07:12.970,0:07:15.745
"Sure, introspection may be depressing,

0:07:16.089,0:07:17.262
but it's worth it

0:07:17.286,0:07:19.643
because of the insight it produces."

0:07:20.155,0:07:21.390
And you're right.

0:07:21.474,0:07:23.644
I'm not here today to tell you

0:07:23.644,0:07:26.667
that the pursuit of self-awareness[br]is a waste of time.

0:07:27.063,0:07:28.140
Not at all.

0:07:29.489,0:07:34.920
I am here to tell you that the way[br]you're pursuing it doesn't work.

0:07:36.534,0:07:38.605
Here is the surprising reality:

0:07:39.441,0:07:44.971
Thinking about ourselves[br]isn't related to knowing ourselves.

0:07:46.965,0:07:48.763
So to understand this,

0:07:48.787,0:07:52.162
let's look at the most common[br]introspective question:

0:07:52.227,0:07:53.481
"Why?"

0:07:53.597,0:07:56.688
We might be searching[br]for the cause of a bad mood.

0:07:57.029,0:07:59.634
Why am I so upset[br]after that fight with my friend?

0:08:00.002,0:08:02.061
Or we might be questioning our beliefs.

0:08:02.494,0:08:04.480
Why don't I believe in the death penalty?

0:08:05.051,0:08:08.559
Or we might be trying[br]to understand a negative outcome.

0:08:09.052,0:08:11.317
"Why did I choke in that meeting?"

0:08:11.888,0:08:15.037
Unfortunately, when we ask "Why?"

0:08:15.092,0:08:18.117
it doesn't lead us towards the truth[br]about ourselves.

0:08:18.446,0:08:20.421
It leads us away from it.

0:08:21.306,0:08:23.658
There are so many reasons[br]this is the case.

0:08:24.547,0:08:26.318
Today I'll give you two.

0:08:27.567,0:08:30.097
Here is the first reason[br]we shouldn't ask why:

0:08:30.795,0:08:32.382
Researchers have found

0:08:32.386,0:08:35.187
that no matter how hard we try,

0:08:35.187,0:08:41.013
we can't excavate our unconscious[br]thoughts, feelings and motives.

0:08:42.091,0:08:45.426
And because so much is hidden[br]from our conscious awareness,

0:08:45.904,0:08:51.520
we end up inventing answers[br]that feel true but are often very wrong.

0:08:52.135,0:08:53.454
Let me give you an example.

0:08:54.050,0:08:58.481
Psychologists Timothy Wilson[br]and Richard Nisbett set up a card table

0:08:58.564,0:09:02.610
outside their local Meijers thrifty store[br]in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

0:09:03.109,0:09:08.120
And on that card table, they laid out[br]four identical pairs of pantyhose.

0:09:09.377,0:09:12.445
And they asked the people[br]walking by to pick their favorite.

0:09:13.275,0:09:14.590
(Laughter)

0:09:14.758,0:09:20.071
Now, consumer research shows that people[br]tend to prefer products on the right.

0:09:20.279,0:09:21.976
And that's exactly what happened.

0:09:22.350,0:09:24.961
Even though every pair was identical,

0:09:25.706,0:09:29.395
people chose pair D[br]at a rate of four to one.

0:09:31.560,0:09:34.491
And when asked why they have chosen[br]the pair they had,

0:09:34.794,0:09:38.532
they confidently declared[br]that pair D was just better.

0:09:39.172,0:09:40.592
(Laughter)

0:09:41.782,0:09:43.031
And even - get this -

0:09:43.031,0:09:46.933
even when the researchers told them[br]about the effect of positioning,

0:09:47.447,0:09:49.718
they refused to believe it.

0:09:52.247,0:09:54.910
The second reason[br]asking "Why?" is a bad idea

0:09:54.910,0:09:57.977
is that it leads us away[br]from our true nature.

0:09:58.766,0:10:01.693
We like to think of our brains[br]as supercomputers

0:10:02.011,0:10:06.718
rationally analyzing information[br]and arriving at accurate conclusions.

0:10:07.508,0:10:10.229
Unfortunately, that's not what happens.

0:10:11.105,0:10:15.685
Let's do a quick exercise that's based[br]on another classic psychology study.

0:10:16.583,0:10:19.445
So if I were to ask you to make a list

0:10:19.469,0:10:24.418
of all the reasons your romantic[br]relationship was going the way it was,

0:10:25.473,0:10:26.979
what would you say?

0:10:27.643,0:10:31.329
Let's say that in general[br]your relationship is pretty awesome.

0:10:32.309,0:10:35.379
But let's just pretend that yesterday

0:10:35.888,0:10:39.413
you happened to get in a huge fight

0:10:39.413,0:10:44.113
about the proper way[br]to load the dishwasher.

0:10:44.113,0:10:45.858
(Laughter)

0:10:46.453,0:10:47.885
Really bad.

0:10:51.011,0:10:55.813
Now, because of something[br]called "the recency effect,"

0:10:56.103,0:10:58.772
this is going to carry[br]an unfair amount of weight.

0:10:59.511,0:11:04.245
You might start thinking of things like,[br]"I am so sick of his mansplaining!"

0:11:04.656,0:11:05.656
(Laughter)

0:11:05.656,0:11:06.660
Or you might think,

0:11:06.660,0:11:09.727
"Why the hell does it matter so much[br]how I load the dishwasher?"

0:11:10.574,0:11:12.084
And before you know it,

0:11:12.114,0:11:15.444
you're thinking your relationship[br]isn't going so well.

0:11:15.444,0:11:16.641
(Laughter)

0:11:16.641,0:11:20.662
Asking "Why?" created "alternative facts."

0:11:20.662,0:11:23.023
(Laughter)

0:11:25.601,0:11:30.601
And over time, this leads us[br]away from who we really are.

0:11:30.999,0:11:32.913
It clouds our self-perceptions.

0:11:34.517,0:11:36.163
So you might be wondering

0:11:36.378,0:11:41.745
if asking "Why?" makes us depressed,[br]over-confident and wrong;

0:11:42.233,0:11:45.481
it's probably not going[br]to increase our self-awareness.

0:11:46.085,0:11:47.183
But don't worry.

0:11:47.183,0:11:51.368
I'm not here today to tell you[br]to stop thinking about yourselves.

0:11:51.844,0:11:56.136
I am here to tell you to start doing it[br]just a little bit differently.

0:11:57.410,0:12:01.376
So if we shouldn't ask "Why?"[br]then, what should we ask?

0:12:02.210,0:12:04.698
Do you remember[br]our self-awareness unicorns?

0:12:05.495,0:12:09.807
When we looked at how they approached[br]introspection, we found the answer.

0:12:10.916,0:12:14.444
We analyzed literally hundreds[br]of pages of transcripts,

0:12:14.912,0:12:17.061
and we saw a very clear pattern.

0:12:17.944,0:12:21.885
Although the word "why"[br]appeared less than 150 times,

0:12:22.386,0:12:26.371
the word "what" appeared[br]more than 1000 times.

0:12:26.859,0:12:28.721
Let me give you a few examples.

0:12:30.492,0:12:32.507
Nathan, a brand manager,

0:12:32.830,0:12:35.712
got a terrible performance review[br]from his new boss.

0:12:36.568,0:12:40.032
Instead of asking,[br]"Why are we like oil and water?"

0:12:40.485,0:12:41.507
he asked,

0:12:41.845,0:12:46.028
"What can I do to show her[br]I'm the best person for this job?"

0:12:46.412,0:12:47.689
It changed everything.

0:12:48.014,0:12:49.894
People now point to Nathan and his boss

0:12:49.894,0:12:53.466
as proof that polar opposites[br]can work together.

0:12:54.660,0:12:59.906
Sarah, an education leader, was diagnosed[br]with breast cancer in her late 40s.

0:13:00.628,0:13:03.187
And when she asked, "Why me?"

0:13:03.573,0:13:05.642
she said it felt like a death sentence.

0:13:06.433,0:13:07.851
So then she asked,

0:13:08.117,0:13:10.180
"What's most important to me?"

0:13:10.876,0:13:11.998
This helped her define

0:13:11.998,0:13:15.932
what she wanted her life to look like[br]in whatever time she had left.

0:13:16.710,0:13:18.367
She's now cancer free

0:13:18.418,0:13:22.341
and more focused on the relationships[br]that mean the most to her.

0:13:24.089,0:13:28.543
Jose, an entertainment[br]industry veteran, hated his job.

0:13:29.424,0:13:32.157
And instead of getting stuck,[br]what most of us would do,

0:13:32.157,0:13:34.743
and ask, "Why do I feel so terrible?"

0:13:34.743,0:13:39.683
he asked, "What are the situations[br]that make me feel terrible,

0:13:39.683,0:13:41.667
and what do they have in common?"

0:13:42.364,0:13:45.879
He quickly realized that he would[br]never be happy in this job,

0:13:45.973,0:13:47.346
and it gave him the courage

0:13:47.346,0:13:51.695
to pursue a new and far more fulfilling[br]career path as a wealth manager.

0:13:53.076,0:13:54.634
So these are just three examples

0:13:54.634,0:13:58.736
of dozens of unicorns that asked[br]"What?" instead of "Why?"

0:13:59.505,0:14:03.581
Do I have any Nathans or Sarahs,[br]or Joses in the room?

0:14:04.833,0:14:07.432
I'll add one more: Tasha.

0:14:09.164,0:14:12.669
So earlier this year, I published[br]a book about all of this,

0:14:12.669,0:14:14.713
which I am so proud of.

0:14:15.276,0:14:17.737
But one day, for some unknown reason,

0:14:17.737,0:14:21.260
I did what every author[br]is never supposed to do.

0:14:23.426,0:14:25.409
I read my Amazon reviews.

0:14:25.429,0:14:27.409
(Laughter)

0:14:28.707,0:14:31.629
And, you guys, it was devastating.

0:14:32.954,0:14:38.319
I asked, "Why are people[br]being so mean to me

0:14:39.971,0:14:44.324
about a book that I spent[br]thousands of hours researching

0:14:44.591,0:14:47.019
and wrote to make their lives better?"

0:14:47.742,0:14:48.852
Right?

0:14:49.015,0:14:51.829
I fell into a spiral of self-loathing.

0:14:52.076,0:14:54.829
It was honestly one[br]of the low points of my life.

0:14:55.777,0:14:57.530
A couple of weeks went by,

0:14:57.867,0:14:59.575
and it dawned on me

0:14:59.575,0:15:01.884
that maybe I should take[br]my own advice.

0:15:01.920,0:15:04.170
(Laughter)

0:15:05.489,0:15:07.159
So I tried a different question.

0:15:07.159,0:15:09.787
I asked, "What about all those people

0:15:10.235,0:15:14.478
who were telling me that my book[br]has helped them change their lives."

0:15:15.202,0:15:16.825
What a different outcome.

0:15:17.123,0:15:19.617
So no, I wasn't doing it right either.

0:15:21.175,0:15:23.178
This is not an easy world, is it?

0:15:24.460,0:15:25.424
Not at all.

0:15:25.460,0:15:26.550
(Laughter)

0:15:26.550,0:15:28.526
She knows, we all know.

0:15:30.477,0:15:33.640
But I have seen so much evidence

0:15:33.778,0:15:36.716
that self-awareness[br]gives us a much better shot

0:15:36.716,0:15:41.171
at finding happiness and success[br]in this crazy world.

0:15:41.897,0:15:45.724
To start, we just need[br]to change one simple word.

0:15:46.668,0:15:48.936
Change "why" to "what."

0:15:49.759,0:15:53.306
Why-questions trap us[br]in that rearview mirror.

0:15:54.169,0:15:57.524
What-questions move us[br]forward to our future.

0:15:59.409,0:16:04.268
As human beings, we are blessed[br]with the ability to understand who we are,

0:16:04.863,0:16:09.041
what we want to contribute,[br]and the kind of life we want to lead.

0:16:10.016,0:16:14.064
Remember, our self-awareness unicorns[br]had nothing in common

0:16:14.404,0:16:17.591
except a belief in the importance[br]of self-awareness

0:16:17.591,0:16:20.298
and a daily commitment to developing it.

0:16:20.746,0:16:22.834
That means we can all be unicorns.

0:16:25.193,0:16:28.228
The search for self-awareness[br]never ever stops.

0:16:28.423,0:16:29.531
Life goes on.

0:16:30.212,0:16:33.569
It's up to us to choose to learn and grow

0:16:33.630,0:16:37.643
from our mistakes and our tragedies,[br]and our successes.

0:16:40.518,0:16:44.763
One of the best quotes I've ever heard[br]on this subject is from Rumi.

0:16:45.291,0:16:51.850
He said, "Yesterday I was clever,[br]so I wanted to change the world.

0:16:52.936,0:16:57.109
Today I'm wise, so I am changing myself."

0:16:57.993,0:16:59.506
Thank you very much.

0:16:59.506,0:17:01.604
(Applause)