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Bigger welcome!
Hello, San Francisco!

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TEDx – oh my God, blinding light!

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Hi, everybody! How are you?

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(Audience cheering) Fine?!
Oh my gosh! Okay, so...

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My name is Mel Robbins,
and for the last seventeen years,

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I have done nothing but help people
get everything that they want.

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Within reason! My husband's here.

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So, I've done it in the courtroom,
in the boardroom, in the bedroom,

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in people's living room,
whatever room you want to be in,

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if I'm there, I will help you get whatever
you want by any means necessary.

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For the last three years –
I host a syndicated radio show.

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Five days a week,
I go live in forty cities

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and I talk to men and women
across America who feel stuck.

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Do you know that a third of Americans
feel dissatisfied with their lives right now?

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That is a hundred million people!

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That's insane!

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And I've come face to face with it
in this new show that I'm doing,

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which is also insane,
it's called "In-laws".

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I move in with families across America –
(Laughter)

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You guessed it!

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– who are at war with their in-laws.

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We move them into the same house,
I verbally assassinate everybody,

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we open up Pandora's box,

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and I get people to stop arguing
about the donuts

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and who is hosting
Thanksgiving dinner,


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and talk about the real stuff.

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And that's what I want
to talk to you about.

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I'm here for you.

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I'm going to tell you everything I know
in less than eighteen minutes

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about how to get what you want.

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So I want you to take
a millisecond right now

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and think about what you want.

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You!

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And I want you to be selfish.

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Screw Simon and the "We" thing.
This is about me, right now!

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(Laughter) (Applause)
Sorry, Simon.

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What do you want?
And here's the deal.

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I don't want it to sound good
to other people.

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Being healthy will not get your ass
on a treadmill.

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Losing your manboobs,
so you can hook up with somebody,

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now that's motivation.
(Laughter)

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So, I want to know: What do you want?

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Do you want to lose weight?
Do you want to triple your income?

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Do you want to start a nonprofit?
Do you want to find love?

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What is it? Get it, right here.

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You know what it is, don't analyze it
to death, just pick something.

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That's part of the problem.
You won't pick.

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So, we're going to be talking about
how you get what you want.

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And frankly, getting what you want
is simple.

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But notice I didn't say it was easy.

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It's very simple.

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In fact, if you think about it,

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we live in the most amazing
moment in time.

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So that thing that you have up here,
whatever it may be,

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you want to use healthy eating
to cure your diabetes,

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you want to figure out
how to take care of the elders

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and start a new hospice center,

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you want to move to Africa
and build a school... Guess what?

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You can walk into a book store
– right now! –

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and buy at least ten books
written by credentialed experts

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on how the hell you do it.

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You could Google it.

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And you could probably find at least,
I don't know - a thousand blogs

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documenting the step, by step,
by step transformation

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that somebody else is already doing.

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You can find anybody online
and cyber-stalk them!

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(Laughter)

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You can just walk in their footsteps –
just use the science of drafting.

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Follow what everyone else has done,
because somebody is already doing it!

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So why don't you have what you want,

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when you have all the information
that you need,

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you have the contacts that you need,

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there are probably free tools online
that allow you to start a business,

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or join a group, or do whatever
the heck you want!?

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It all comes down to one word:

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F*©#.

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Shut the front door,
you know what I'm talking about?

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The f-bomb. It's everywhere!

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You hear it all the time!

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I honestly don't understand
what the appeal is of the word.

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I mean, you don't sound smart
when you say it.

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And it's really not expressing
how you really feel.

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It's sort of a cheap shot to take.

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And of course you know
I'm talking about the word "fine".

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"How you doing?"
"Oh, I'm fine."

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Oh, really? You are?

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Dragging around those extra
forty pounds, you're fine?

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Feeling like roommates with your spouse,
and you're fine?

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You haven't had sex in four months,
you're fine?

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Really?!

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I don't think so!

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But see, here's the deal with saying
that you're fine: It's actually genius.

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Because if you're fine,
you don't have to do anything about it.

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But when you think about this word "fine",
it just makes me so angry.

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Here we are at a conference
about being alive

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and you're going to describe
the experience of being alive as "fine"?!

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What a flimsy and feeble word!

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If you're crappy, say you're crappy!

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If you're amazing say you're amazing!

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Tell the truth!

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And this not only goes
for the social construct:

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"Oh, I don't want to burden you
with the fact that I hate my life",

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or: "Hey, I'm amazing! But that
would make you feel terrible."

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The bigger issue –

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The bigger issue with "fine"
is that you say it to yourself.

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That thing that you want,
I guarantee you,

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you've convinced yourself
that you're fine not having it.

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That's why you're not pushing yourself.

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It's the areas in your life
where you've given up.

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Where you've said,

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"Oh, I'm fine.
My mom's never going to change,

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so I just can't have that conversation."

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"I'm fine. We've got to wait until
the kids graduate, before we get divorced,

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so we'll just sleep in separate bedrooms."

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"I'm fine. I lost my job,
I can barely pay my bills,

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but whatever – It's hard to get a job."

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One of the reasons why this word also just
annoys me so much is,

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scientists have calculated –

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Oh yeah, I'm coming down!
(Laughter)

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Scientists have calculated

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the odds

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of you

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being born.

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That's right. They've crunched
the numbers. I see you up there.

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They've crunched the numbers on you –

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Yeah, you guys standing up,
you want to sit down for this.

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They've crunched the numbers
on you being born.

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And they took into account
all of the wars,

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and the natural disasters,
and the dinosaurs,

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and everything else.

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And do you realize that the odds,
the odds of you,

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yeah, right here,
put your computer away,


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stand up for me, Doug!
(Laughter)

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So the odds of Doug here,
turn around, say "hi" to everybody –

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the odds of Doug being born

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at the moment in time he was born,

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to the parents you were born to,
with the DNA structure that you have,

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one in four hundred trillion!

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Isn't that amazing?
Doug: I'm so lucky!

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Mel: Yes! You're not fine,
you're fantastic!

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You have life-changing ideas for a reason,
and it's not to torture yourself.

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Thank you. Thank you, Doug.
(Applause)

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Christine was right when she said
all of you could be on stage.

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Because all of you
– we're all in this category.

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One in four hundred trillion.

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All day long you have ideas
that could change your life,

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that could change the world,
that could change the way that you feel,

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and what do you do with them?
Nothing!

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(Grunts) Hopefully I won't moon you.
(Laughter)

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You didn't pay for that.
(Laughter)


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And I want you to just think for a minute,
because we all have –

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I love to use the analogy
"the inner snooze button" –

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you have these amazing ideas
that bubble up.

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You've been watching people all day

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and I guarantee you,
like ping pong balls – bam-bam-bam

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and everytime you have an idea,
what do you do? – Hit the snooze!

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What's the first decision
you made this morning?

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I bet it was to go back to bed.

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"Yeah, first decision today,
I'm one in four hundred trillion,

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I'm going to go back to sleep."

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And I get it! Your bed is comfortable!
It's cosy, it's warm!

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If you're lucky, you've got somebody
that you love next to you,

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or in my case, I've got my husband
and my two kids and possibly the dog.

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And the reason why I'm bringing up
this first decision that you made today,

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and the inner snooze alarm,
is because

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in any area of your life
that you want to change,

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any – there's one fact
that you need to know.

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This one:

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You are never going to feel like it.

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Ever.

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No one's coming,
motivation isn't happening,


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you're never going to feel like it.

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Scientists call it activation energy.

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That's what they call the force required

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to get you to change
from what you're doing

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on autopilot to do something new.

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So try this test tomorrow.

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You think you're so fancy,
I know, you're attending TED.

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(Laughter)
Try this.

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Tomorrow morning, set your alarm
for thirty minutes earlier.

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And then when it goes off,
take those sheets,

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throw them off, and stand up
and start your day.

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No snooze, no delay,

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no, "I'll just wait here for five seconds
because Mel's not standing here" –

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Do it.

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And the reason why I want you to do it
is because you will come face to face

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with the physical,
and I mean physical force

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that's required to change your behavior.

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Do you think that somebody
who needs to lose weight

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ever feels like going on a diet?

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Of course not!

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You think they ever feel like eating
boiled chicken and peas

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instead of a croissant?

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I don't think so!

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The activation energy

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required to get your ass away
from your computer and out the front door,

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to go on the walk, you said
that you were going to go on,

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is the exact same amount of force
that it takes you

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to push yourself out of a warm bed
and into a cold room.

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What's interesting about being an adult

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is that when you become eighteen,

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nobody tells you that it's now
going to be your job to parent yourself.

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And by "parent yourself",

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I mean it's your job to make yourself
do the crap you don't want to do,

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so you can be everything
that you're supposed to be.

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And you're so damn busy
waiting to feel like it.

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And you're never going to!

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My son never feels like getting off his DS.
That's my job!

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00:12:30,062 --> 00:12:33,194
Get off the damn DS!

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Kendall, clean up the Barbies!

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If you're going to have a nude party
in my bathroom, at least clean it up!

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(Laughter)

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God, chew with your mouth closed!
We're not a barn, for crying out loud!

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Alright, dinner is coming,
get out of the pantry.

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As parents, and you were a kid,

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your parents make you do the things
you don't feel like doing.

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Because you won't. Ever.

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Not now, not then, not ever!

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And even when you get good at something,

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you'll figure out something else
you don't want to do.

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And then you'll plato out, get bored,
"I hate this job. Blah blah boring."

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But will you look for a new one?
No! You'll just bitch about that one.

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It's very, very simple
to get what you want.

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But it's not easy.

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You have to force yourself.

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And I mean force.

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And the reason why
I use the word "force" –

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when Roz was up here
and talking about the emotion tracking,


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and she had the picture
of two sides of the brain –

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I look at the brain the exact same way.

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Only I describe one side
of your brain as autopilot

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and the other side as emergency brake.

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That's the only two speeds you get:
autopilot, emergency brake.

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And guess which one your brain
likes better: autopilot.

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You've had the experience where
you've driven to work and you get there

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00:14:05,730 --> 00:14:08,484
and you're like, "Oh my God,
I don't remember ever driving here."

237
00:14:08,484 --> 00:14:09,443
(Laughter)

238
00:14:09,443 --> 00:14:13,354
You weren't drunk!
That was your brain on autopilot.

239
00:14:13,354 --> 00:14:16,464
It was functioning just at this level.

240
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,335
And the problem with your mind
is that anytime

241
00:14:19,335 --> 00:14:22,852
you do anything that's different
from your normal routine,

242
00:14:22,852 --> 00:14:26,189
guess what your brain does —
emergency brake!

243
00:14:26,189 --> 00:14:29,330
And it has that reaction for everything.
Everything!

244
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:30,975
You walk into the kitchen
and see

245
00:14:30,975 --> 00:14:33,291
everybody's left their breakfast
dishes for you.

246
00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:36,232
And you think for the hundredth time,
"I'm going to kill them.

247
00:14:36,232 --> 00:14:39,998
In fact I'm gonna leave it here
and I'm going to make them do it."

248
00:14:39,998 --> 00:14:42,354
But that's not your normal routine, is it?

249
00:14:42,354 --> 00:14:44,462
So your mind goes: emergency brake!

250
00:14:44,462 --> 00:14:46,012
And you go right into autopilot.

251
00:14:46,012 --> 00:14:48,753
"I'll just load it, and be pissed,
and then not have sex.

252
00:14:48,753 --> 00:14:53,776
That's what I'm going to do."
(Laughter) (Applause)

253
00:14:54,669 --> 00:14:56,868
So, when I say "force",

254
00:14:56,868 --> 00:15:01,971
anything that's a break from your routine
is going to require force.

255
00:15:02,018 --> 00:15:04,556
And if you think about your life,

256
00:15:04,556 --> 00:15:09,167
it's kind of funny because we are kids
and then we become adults,

257
00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:11,407
and we spend so much time
trying to push our life

258
00:15:11,407 --> 00:15:13,647
into some sort of stable routine,

259
00:15:13,647 --> 00:15:15,888
and then we grow bored of it!

260
00:15:15,888 --> 00:15:19,506
You wake up at the same time every day,
you have largely the same breakfast,

261
00:15:19,506 --> 00:15:22,470
you drive to work the same way,
show up at work, look busy,

262
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:24,845
avoid making calls,
update Facebook,

263
00:15:24,845 --> 00:15:27,220
you attend a meeting
and doodle the whole time,

264
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:29,865
go back and update Facebook,
make plans for the evening,

265
00:15:29,865 --> 00:15:32,387
you look busy some more,
then drive home the same way,

266
00:15:32,387 --> 00:15:34,962
you eat largely the same dinner
or a variety of it,

267
00:15:34,962 --> 00:15:36,873
you watch the same kind of media,

268
00:15:36,873 --> 00:15:39,642
and then you go to bed,
and do the same thing all over again!

269
00:15:39,642 --> 00:15:41,909
No wonder you're bored out
of your mind!

270
00:15:41,909 --> 00:15:44,659
It's the routine that's killing you.

271
00:15:44,659 --> 00:15:48,075
I have this theory about
why people get stuck in life.

272
00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:51,893
So, most of you've probably taken
your Basic Psych 101 class,

273
00:15:51,893 --> 00:15:56,515
and you've bumped into
Abraham Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs"?

274
00:15:56,515 --> 00:16:01,893
Well, your body is kinda cool.
Because you have these basic needs.

275
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:06,660
And your body is wired
to send you signals.

276
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:10,974
If you need food, what do you feel?

277
00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:14,187
If you need water, what do you feel?

278
00:16:14,187 --> 00:16:18,841
If you need sex, what do you feel?
(Laughter) Thank you.

279
00:16:20,295 --> 00:16:24,527
I think when you feel stuck
or dissatisfied in your life,

280
00:16:24,538 --> 00:16:26,959
it's a signal.

281
00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:30,293
And it's not a signal
that your life is broken.

282
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:35,104
It's a signal that one of your most
basic needs are not being met.

283
00:16:35,231 --> 00:16:37,611
Your need for exploration.

284
00:16:37,611 --> 00:16:41,270
Everything about your life,
about your body, grows!

285
00:16:41,270 --> 00:16:43,941
Your cells regenerate,
your hair, your nails,

286
00:16:43,941 --> 00:16:47,236
everything grows for your entire life.

287
00:16:47,236 --> 00:16:51,060
And your soul needs exploration
and growth.

288
00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:56,678
And the only way you'll get it is
by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable.

289
00:16:57,694 --> 00:17:01,356
Forcing yourself to get outside,



290
00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,734
out of your head.
Thank you.

291
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:07,040
If you're in your head,
you're behind enemy lines.

292
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,670
That is not God talking, okay?
It's not!

293
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:14,496
In fact, if I put a speaker on it
and we broadcast what you say to yourself,

294
00:17:14,496 --> 00:17:18,322
we would institutionalize you.
(Laughter)

295
00:17:18,322 --> 00:17:20,699
You would not hang out with people
that talk to you

296
00:17:20,699 --> 00:17:22,815
the way you talk to yourself.

297
00:17:22,815 --> 00:17:25,455
So get out of your head!

298
00:17:25,455 --> 00:17:29,566
Your feelings!
Your feelings are screwing you!

299
00:17:29,566 --> 00:17:33,983
I don't care how you feel!
I care about what you want!

300
00:17:33,983 --> 00:17:36,827
And if you listen to how you feel,

301
00:17:36,827 --> 00:17:40,779
when it comes to what you want –
you will not get it.

302
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:44,159
Because you will never feel like it.

303
00:17:44,650 --> 00:17:47,443
And you need to get outside
your comfort zone.

304
00:17:47,443 --> 00:17:49,694
It's not about taking risks,

305
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,272
it's about getting outside
your comfort zone.

306
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:58,447
Those first three seconds when
you push yourself out of bed, they blow.

307
00:17:58,815 --> 00:18:02,315
But once you're up, it's great.

308
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:06,816
Those first three seconds when
you're sitting here in a stadium like this

309
00:18:06,816 --> 00:18:09,307
and somebody says,
"Get up and come dance,"

310
00:18:09,307 --> 00:18:11,798
and you think,
"Oh, I should do that,"

311
00:18:11,798 --> 00:18:14,290
and then you're like, "Uhmm."

312
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:19,286
That experience that you had
when you had the impulse to do it

313
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:23,776
and then you didn't do
the activation energy

314
00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:26,279
required to force yourself,

315
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:29,613
your emergency brake got pulled –
"I'm sitting right here.

316
00:18:29,613 --> 00:18:33,682
I'm not going up with those
crazy people, I don't like to dance..."

317
00:18:34,422 --> 00:18:37,385
What happened for me is
I came up, and I bumped into Rachel,

318
00:18:37,385 --> 00:18:41,441
and then we started talking,
and next thing you know, she's tweeting.

319
00:18:41,441 --> 00:18:45,993
And we're friends.
And – boom! Get outside.

320
00:18:45,993 --> 00:18:47,832
That's where the magic is.

321
00:18:47,832 --> 00:18:53,504
That's where the one
in four hundred trillion exists.

322
00:18:54,181 --> 00:18:58,277
So everything I do –
oh, OK, this is the last part. Sorry.

323
00:18:58,277 --> 00:19:02,259
So one more thing that you can use,
I call it the five-second-rule.

324
00:19:02,459 --> 00:19:07,578
Your mind can process a facial expression
in 33 milliseconds.

325
00:19:10,558 --> 00:19:13,197
It can move pretty damn quick.

326
00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:16,262
The other thing that it does very quickly

327
00:19:16,262 --> 00:19:21,246
is if you have one of those little
impulses that are pulling you,

328
00:19:21,246 --> 00:19:25,490
if you don't marry it with an action
within five seconds,

329
00:19:25,490 --> 00:19:27,948
you pull the emergency brake
and kill the idea.

330
00:19:27,948 --> 00:19:29,622
Kill it!

331
00:19:29,622 --> 00:19:33,894
If you have the impulse to get up
and come dance while the band is playing,

332
00:19:33,894 --> 00:19:35,817
if you don't stand up in five seconds,

333
00:19:35,817 --> 00:19:38,766
you're going to pull
the emergency brake.

334
00:19:38,766 --> 00:19:41,130
If you have an impulse about,

335
00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:43,574
you were inspired by somebody's
speech today,

336
00:19:43,574 --> 00:19:46,105
and you don't do something
within five seconds

337
00:19:46,105 --> 00:19:49,043
– write a note, send yourself a text –

338
00:19:49,043 --> 00:19:52,189
anything physical to marry it
with the idea,

339
00:19:52,189 --> 00:19:56,873
you will pull the emergency brake
and kill the idea.

340
00:19:56,873 --> 00:20:00,796
Your problem isn't ideas.
Your problem is you don't act on them.

341
00:20:00,796 --> 00:20:05,712
You kill them. It's not my fault.
It's not anybody's fault.

342
00:20:06,028 --> 00:20:09,857
You're doing it to yourself.
Stop it!

343
00:20:10,337 --> 00:20:14,746
I'm counting on you.
One in four hundred trillion.

344
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,633
You got stuff to do!

345
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,627
And it's not going to happen
in your head.

346
00:20:20,627 --> 00:20:23,295
So I want you
to practice this today.

347
00:20:24,132 --> 00:20:26,534
When we go off to party,
thank God it's coming soon,


348
00:20:26,534 --> 00:20:29,956
because I think
we all could use a cocktail,

349
00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:33,653
I want you to practice
the five-second-rule.

350
00:20:33,653 --> 00:20:36,105
You see somebody and you think
you have an impulse,


351
00:20:36,105 --> 00:20:39,747
they look interesting?
Walk over there!

352
00:20:39,747 --> 00:20:42,365
You were inspired by somebody
and you have a request?

353
00:20:42,365 --> 00:20:44,119
Make it!

354
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,325
That's why you're here!

355
00:20:48,285 --> 00:20:52,009
Experiment with it, and I think
you'll be shocked about what happens.

356
00:20:52,009 --> 00:20:56,368
And one more thing, I want you to know
that everything that I do,

357
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,627
whether it's the radio show,
or the television show,


358
00:20:58,627 --> 00:21:01,342
or the book that I wrote,
or the column,

359
00:21:01,342 --> 00:21:03,220
it's for you.

360
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:07,367
And if there is anything that I can do,

361
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:12,865
if I can do anything to make you do
the things you don't want to do,

362
00:21:12,865 --> 00:21:16,731
so you can have what you want,
I will do it.

363
00:21:16,731 --> 00:21:20,541
But you need to walk over,
you need to open your mouth,

364
00:21:20,541 --> 00:21:22,763
and you need to make the request.

365
00:21:22,763 --> 00:21:26,494
You got it? Good.
Go do it.

366
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:29,564
(Applause)

367
00:21:32,262 --> 00:21:35,606
Thank you! Thank you, yes!
Stand up!

368
00:21:35,606 --> 00:21:38,526
You have the impulse, stand up!
Thank you!