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So I'd like to start, if I may,
by asking you some questions.

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If you've ever lost someone
you truly love,

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ever had your heart broken,

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ever struggled through
an acrimonious divorce,

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or been the victim of infidelity,

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please stand up.

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If standing up isn't accessible to you,
you can put your hand up.

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Please, stay standing,

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and keep your hand up there.

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If you've ever lived
through a natural disaster,

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been bullied or been made redundant,

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stand on up.

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If you've ever had a miscarriage,

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if you've ever had an abortion

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or struggled through infertility,

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please stand up.

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Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

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has had to cope
with mental illness, dementia,

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some form of physical impairment,

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or cope with suicide,

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please stand up.

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Look around you.

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Adversity doesn't discriminate.

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If you are alive,

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you are going to have to,
or you've already had to,

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deal with some tough times.

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Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

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I started studying
resilience research a decade ago,

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at the University
of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

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It was an amazing time to be there,

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because the professors who trained me

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had just picked up the contract
to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

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to be as mentally fit
as they always have been physically fit.

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As you can imagine,

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you don't get a much more skeptical
discerning audience

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than the American drill sergeants
returning from Afganistan.

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So for someone like me,

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whose main quest in life
is trying to work out

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how we take the best
of scientific findings out of academia

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and bring them to people
in their everyday lives,

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it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

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I finished my studies in America,

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and I returned home here to Christchurch

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to start my doctoral research.

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I'd just begun that study

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when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

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So I put my research on hold,

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and I started working
with my home community

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to help them through that terrible
post-quake period.

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I worked with all sorts of organizations

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from government departments
to building companies,

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and all sorts of community groups,

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teaching them the ways
of thinking and acting

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that we know boost resilience.

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I thought that was my calling.

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My moment to put all
of that research to good use.

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But sadly, I was wrong.

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For my own true test came in 2014

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on Queen's Birthday weekend.

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We and two other families had decided

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to go down to Lake Ohau
and bike the outs to ocean.

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At the last minute,

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my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

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decided to hop in the car
with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

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and Ella's mom, Sally,
a dear, dear friend of mine.

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On the way down,
as they traveled through Rakaia

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on Thompsons Track,

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a car sped through a stop sign,

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crashing into them

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and killing all three of them instantly.

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In the blink of an eye,

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I find myself flung
to the other side of the equation,

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waking up with a whole new identity.

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Instead of being the resilience expert,

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suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

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Waking up not knowing who I am,

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trying to wrap my head
around unthinkable news,

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my world smashed to smithereens.

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Suddenly, I'm the one on the end
of all this expert advice.

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And I can tell you,

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I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

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In the days after Abi died,

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we were told we were now
prime candidates for family estrangement.

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That we were likely to get divorced

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and we were at high risk
of mental illness.

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"Wow," I remember thinking,

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"Thanks for that, I though
my life was already pretty shit."

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(Laughter)

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Leaflets described
the five stages of grief:

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anger, bargaining, denial,
depression, acceptance.

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Victim support arrived at our door

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and told us that we could expect
to write off the next five years to grief.

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I know the leaflets
and the resources meant well.

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But in all of that advice,

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they left us feeling like victims.

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Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

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and powerless to exert any influence
over our grieving whatsoever.

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I didn't need to be told
how bad things were.

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Believe me, I already knew
things were truly terrible.

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What I needed most was hope.

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I needed a journey
through all that anguish,

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pain and longing.

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Most of all,

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I wanted to be an active participant
in my grief process.

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So I decided to turn my back
on their advice

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and decided instead to conduct
something of a self-experiment.

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I'd done the research, I had the tools,

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I wanted to know how useful
they would be to me now

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in the face of such an enormous
mountain to climb.

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Now, I have to confess at this point,

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I didn't really know
that any of this was going to work.

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Parental bereavement
is widely acknowledged

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as the hardest of losses to bear.

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But I can tell you now, five years on,

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what I already knew from the research.

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That you can rise up from adversity,

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that there are strategies that work,

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that it is utterly possible

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to make yourself think
and act in certain ways

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that help you navigate tough times.

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There is a monumental body of research
on how to do this stuff.

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Today, I'm just going to share
with you three strategies.

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These are my go-to strategies
that I relied upon

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and saved me in my darkest days.

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They're three strategies
that underpin all of my work,

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and they're pretty readily
available to us all,

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anyone can learn them,

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you can learn them right here today.

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So number one,

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resilient people get that shit happens.

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They know that suffering is part of life.

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This doesn't mean
they actually welcome it in,

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they're not actually delusional.

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Just that when the tough times come,

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they seem to know

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that suffering is part
of every human existence.

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And knowing this stops you
from feeling discriminated against

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when the tough times come.

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Never once did I find myself thinking,

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"Why me?"

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In fact, I remember thinking,

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"Why not me?

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Terrible things happen to you,

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just like they do everybody else.

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That's your life now,

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time to sink or swim."

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The real tragedy

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is that not enough of us
seem to know this any longer.

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We seem to live in an age

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where we're entitled to a perfect life,

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where shiny, happy photos
on Instagram are the norm,

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when actually,

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as you all demonstrated
at the start of my talk,

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the very opposite is true.

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Number two,

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resilient people

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are really good at choosing carefully
where they select their attention.

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They have a habit of realistically
appraising situations,

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and typically, managing to focus
on the things that they can change,

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and somehow accept
the things that they can't.

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This is a vital, learnable
skill for resilience.

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As humans, we are really good

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at noticing threats and weaknesses.

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We are hardwired for that negative.

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We're really, really good
at noticing them.

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Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

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whereas positive emotions and experiences
seems to bounce off like Teflon.

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Being wired in this way
is actually really good for us,

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and served us well
from an evolutionary perspective.

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So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

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and I'm coming out
of my cave in the morning,

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and there's a saber-toothed
tiger on one side

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and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

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It kind of pays for my survival
for me to notice this tiger.

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The problem is,

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we now live in an era
where we are constantly bombarded

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by threats all day long,

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and our poor brains treat
every single one of those threats

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as though they were a tiger.

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Our threat focus, our stress response,

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is permanently dialed up.

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Resilient people
don't diminish the negative,

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but they also have worked out a way

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of tuning into the good.

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One day, when doubts
were threatening to overwhelm me,

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I distinctly remember thinking,

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"No, you do not get
to get swallowed up by this.

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You have to survive.

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You've got so much to live for.

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Choose life, not death.

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Don't lose what you have

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to what you have lost."

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In psychology,
we call this benefit finding.

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In my brave new world,

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it involved trying to find things
to be grateful for.

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At least our wee girl

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hadn't died of some terrible,
long, drawn-out illness.

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She died suddenly, instantly,

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sparing us and her that pain.

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We had a huge amount of social support
from family and friends

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to help us through.

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And most of all,

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we still had two beautiful
boys to live for,

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who needed us now,

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and deserved to have as normal a life
as we could possibly give them.

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Being able to switch the focus
of your attention

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to also include the good

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00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:05,059
has been shown by science
to be a really powerful strategy.

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00:11:05,083 --> 00:11:09,893
So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues
conducted an experiment.

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And they asked people,
all they asked people to do,

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was think of three good things
that had happened to them each day.

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What they found, over the six months
course of this study,

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was that those people
showed higher levels of gratitude,

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higher levels of happiness

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and less depression
over the course of the six-month study.

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When you're going through grief,

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you might need a reminder,

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or you might need permission
to feel grateful.

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In our kitchen, we've got
a bright pink neon poster

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that reminds us to "accept" the good.

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In the American army,

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they framed it a little bit differently.

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They talked to the army
about hunting the good stuff.

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Find the language that works for you,

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but whatever you do,

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make an intentional,
deliberate, ongoing effort

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00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:05,333
to tune into what's good in your world.

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Number three,

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00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:09,518
resilient people ask themselves,

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"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

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This is a question that's used
a lot in good therapy.

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And boy, is it powerful.

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This was my go-to question

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00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:25,226
in the days after the girls died.

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I would ask it again and again.

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"Should I go to the trial
and see the driver?

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Would that help me or would it harm me?"

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00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:36,684
Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

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I chose to stay away.

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But Trevor, my husband,
decided to meet with the driver

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at a later time.

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00:12:43,125 --> 00:12:48,476
Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes
poring over old photos of Abi,

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getting more and more upset.

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00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,768
I'd ask myself,

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00:12:51,792 --> 00:12:55,476
"Really? Is this helping you
or is it harming you?

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Put away the photos,

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go to bed for the night,

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be kind to yourself."

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00:13:01,833 --> 00:13:05,643
This question can be applied
to so many different contexts.

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00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:09,684
Is the way I'm thinking and acting
helping or harming you,

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00:13:09,708 --> 00:13:12,809
in your bid to get that promotion,

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00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,434
to pass that exam,

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00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:17,018
to recover from a heart attack?

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00:13:17,042 --> 00:13:19,601
So many different ways.

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00:13:19,625 --> 00:13:21,351
I write a lot about resilience,

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00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:24,184
and over the years, this one strategy

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00:13:24,208 --> 00:13:27,768
has prompted more positive
feedback than any other.

258
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I get scores of letters
and emails and things

259
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from all over the place of people saying

260
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what a huge impact
it's had on their lives.

261
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Whether it is forgiving family
ancient transgressions, arguments

262
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from Christmases past,

263
00:13:42,417 --> 00:13:45,809
or whether it is just
trolling through social media,

264
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whether it is asking yourself

265
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whether you really need
that extra glass of wine.

266
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Asking yourself whether what you're doing,
the way you're thinking,

267
00:13:56,958 --> 00:13:58,226
the way you're acting

268
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is helping or harming you,

269
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puts you back in the driver's seat.

270
00:14:04,125 --> 00:14:09,000
It gives you some control
over your decision-making.

271
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Three strategies.

272
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:13,917
Pretty simple.

273
00:14:14,875 --> 00:14:17,476
They're readily available to us all,

274
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anytime, anywhere.

275
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They don't require rocket science.

276
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Resilience isn't some fixed trait.

277
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It's not elusive,

278
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that some people have
and some people don't.

279
00:14:32,125 --> 00:14:37,226
It actually requires
very ordinary processes.

280
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Just the willingness to give them a go.

281
00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:43,184
I think we all have moments in life

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where our life path splits

283
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and the journey we thought
we were going down

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00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:51,809
veers off to some terrible direction

285
00:14:51,833 --> 00:14:54,018
that we never anticipated,

286
00:14:54,042 --> 00:14:56,684
and we certainly didn't want.

287
00:14:56,708 --> 00:14:57,958
It happened to me.

288
00:14:58,875 --> 00:15:01,809
It was awful beyond imagining.

289
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:06,934
If you ever find yourselves
in a situation where you think

290
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:10,184
"There's no way
I'm coming back from this,"

291
00:15:10,208 --> 00:15:13,434
I urge you to lean into these strategies

292
00:15:13,458 --> 00:15:15,458
and think again.

293
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,101
I won't pretend

294
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:21,625
that thinking this way is easy.

295
00:15:22,458 --> 00:15:25,601
And it doesn't remove all the pain.

296
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:30,351
But if I've learned anything
over the last five years,

297
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it is that thinking this way
really does help.

298
00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:35,726
More than anything,

299
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it has shown me that it is possible

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to live and grieve at the same time.

301
00:15:43,917 --> 00:15:48,059
And for that, I would be always grateful.

302
00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:49,351
Thank you.

303
00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:52,417
(Applause)