Hey, Jaque.
Guess what, today's a special day.
Jaque: I'm not going to do that.
Well, that's right.
'Cause today, we're doing a video
about birds!
Jaque: How dare you say that to me.
You know my mother was a bird.
Well, yes.
Yeah, yeah I'm-
I'm aware.
Jaque: Are you trying to give birds a worse name than they already have?
Has pigeon poopenheimer not done enough?
How dare you say that to me.
You know my mother
was pigeon poopenheimer.
This movie right here:
"Birdemic: Shock and Terror".
Wooh..
There is nothing
that can prepare you for this.
Now for better, or for worse,
this is gonna change your life,
and I'm gonna be the one to show you the light.
So let's cut to the chase
and all take a gander.
GET IT?
IT'S LIKE A GOOSE!
At "Birdemic: Shock and Terror".
There's nothin' in here.
There's no- I've cheated you.
I've cheated all of you
and you didn't even notice.
So, as you can see,
our film of the hour begins with a wonderful Sunday drive through the hillside.
You know, I gotta say.
It's really progressive of the people who made this movie
to hire a cameraman with only one arm.
I know this overture stuff is sort of here to set the mood,
so hey, if the mood
they were going for was sleepy,
hold on to your hats.
Because you're gonna slump over
and it's gonna fall off.
Seriously,
this goes on for the first 3 1/2 minutes in the movie.
Aw, finally.
Let's get a good shot of that parking job.
Excellent.
Hey, if this guy acts as good as he parks,
I think we're in for a hell of a ride.
Hey, whatcha lookin' for?
The director?
Yeah, I know.
I don't see him either.
[In announcer voice] And introducing,
the world's first synthetic actor.
[Terminator 2 theme plays]
I'll be back.
Woman [clipped audio]: Hey!
Geh.
Jon: What was that?
Have I've finally gone deaf
from sitting too close to the TV?
Woman: Hey!
I love how
unsure she is about saying hello.
Yeah I don't-
I don't think anyone was, uh..
too sure about anything
during the filming of this.
Woman: Here's a menu.
Rod: Thank you.
I'll be right back with you.
Jon: Oh, god, please!
There's absolutely no need for that!
I haven't seen any birds yet,
but I'm already feeling the shock and terror.
So Jack Skellington over here
decides to literally run after this girl he sees in the restaurant
to ask her a few questions.
Rod: I think I know you from somewhere.
Nathalie: Really?
Yeah, did you go to San Mateo High School?
Jon: Oh my god.
This is riveting.
Rod: So, are you from here?
Jon: What is this guy, Commander Shepard?
[in Shepard voice] What can you tell me about the Reapers?
Nathalie: Thanks.
[Audio clip]
Jon: What's with these random audio cutouts?
I-I mean there's not knowing how to make a film
and then there's being so bad that
I-I jus-Idon- I don't even-
Why is the audio cutting out?
Whoops.
Looks like they accidentally got a good shot.
News Anchor: In other news today, the-
population of polar bears is declining rap-
Jon [Over Anchor's voice]: Hey.
Hey, hey.
Can you move the camera down a bit? Jus-
Move that d- The ca-
The camera's a bit high up!
Lemme tell ya, if you were afraid
you were gonna miss even one bit of this guy's day,
you can put those qualms to rest.
You get to see literally everything he does.
I'll say it.
I'll say it just in case uh-
someone out there doesn't know-
You're not supposed to show your characters
in traffic,
and then getting gas,
and then in traffic,
and then getting a fucking banana,
and driving then parking- WHAT IS THIS??!
Rod: May I place your order today?
Great, thanks. We appreciate your buisness.
Woo-hoo!
[snickers]
S-s-seriously?
Guy: Hey.
What's w-with all the noise?
I'm sorry, whatwuzit?
Guy: What's w-with all the noise?
[Impersonating Guy's voice] I d-don't know what you're talkin' about.
Rod: Caught the big fish.
Yeah?
How big was the sale?
One million dollars.
Guy: Awesome, man!
Biggest sale of my career!
Well, I'm proud of ya!
Jon: Ohhhh my god.
How far are we into this movie?
11 minutes?
Eh.
This is gonna be a long day.
So literally,
everything ever is going well for all the main characters at this point.
Literally everyone's like:
[in feminine voice] "Guess what?
You won the priiize!"
"Oh my gwaaaad!"
Woman: You are welcome.
You- you worked very hard
so here's your chance to impress them.
Congratulations again!
Jon: It's so absurd, I can barely comment.
Here's a basketball scene.
Here's a car scene.
Jaque: Here's a bird.
There's no birds.
How dare you...
So then, I guess, as is the logical progression,
there's a scene where a guy comes to his house
an-and I'm tellin' all here
says he's from a solar panel company
and then installs a solar panel on his house.
[yellow text]
Think there's anything more?
Think this is a setup to something good?
[yellow text]
Look, I'm fucking serious.
Sherry: Hi, my name is Sherry Owens.
I'm from solar power accessories.
Where are you gonna put it?
Come, and I'll show you.
[audio cut]
And that there's where we're going to install your solar panel.
Let me lay this down for you.
Hitchcock, Kubrick, Coppola,
Nguyen.
Okay?
Let's- can we just get to the romantic subplot already?
Please?
Rod: It's for you.
Thanks, that's sweet.
I work at a startup company called NCT Software.
Got this stock option.
Hopefully, if the company makes it big by-
Jon: Never mind, I take it BACK!
Oh j-
Oh jeez.
Birds, it's happening.
There's birds.
I-I've never been happier to see a bird.
Jaque: Well, I'm right here.
[kiss]
You didn't have to do that, but you did it anyways.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[yellow text]
If you know what I'm saying?
[Huph]
So next up, the girl goes home to her mom,
which, can I say this,
this is true loveliness.
The woman playing the mother is just so sincere, it hurts.
Have a look.
Mother: What's that smile all about?
[kiss smooch]
Mother: Well, I can understand that.
You know- uh- [cough].
Well, keep me in-
you know, keep me informed along the way.
Jon: It's the little things that keep you going.
So now randomly,
we find ourselves in a boardroom meeting.
Okay, what does this guy have to say?
Boss: Ladies and gentlemen,
I have some great news.
Our board of directors has agreed to the acquisition of NCT Software by Oracle Corporation
for a billion dollars!
A BILLION DOLLAZ?!
[Everyone claps]
Boss: Brilliant.
Jon: This is the most amazing scene in the entire movie.
The sheer amount of non-understanding of said medium is astounding.
Boss: You guys-
you guys have worked hard and
you've all earned your stock option.
Congratulations!
[Claps and cheers continue with happy music]
Guy: Chicks love cars.
If you want to get into their pants,
you better have a nice, hot Ferrari.
She's my hot Ferrari.
Besides, I love my Mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid.
It gets 100 MPG.
Jon [in announcer voice]: The new Ford Mustang.
Apply now for 0% APR financing.
Rod: Man, that was a good movie.
"An Inconvenient Truth".
Jon: I've seen wooden actors.
I've also seen wood, and nothing,
NOTHING comes close to fem-Shep over here.
I mean, the other actors in this movie aren't anyting special,
but they don't even come close
to this guy's genuine level of awful.
This guy reads his lines like he's trying to do a tribute to
Bishop from "Aliens".
Rod: Yeah, I earned it.
All those big deals I do with NCT.
Bishop: That explains it then.
The A2s always were a bit twitchy.
Jon: How did- h-
no one just be like:
"Hey, hey hold on for a second.
Does anyone else notice that
Did anyone-
'Cause if it's just me,
I'l go walk off that cliff over there.
In fact, I'm gonna do it anyways."
Mother: Oh, hi!
Rod, Nat tells me that you are a very successful salesman.
Jon: This mom character
th-d-this mom character-
I can't even put into words the feeling she makes me feel.
It's like the director forgot if he was filming a movie
or a documentary about the sweetest woman alive.
Rod: So, are you enjoying your retirement?
Ah- love the retirement.
I was a jeweler for 30 years and
sometimes I miss not going into the jewelry store, but-
you know, I really like retirement.
I like to travel, I like to cruise.
Umm- and I enjoy watching television, and-
Jon: I-is this acting?
C-can this be classified as acting
and did they just film her on her lunch break?
No movie's complete
without a 4 minute Wayne Brady dance scene.
[Damien Carter's "Just Hangin' Out" plays]
[In garbled voice] Look at those moves!
It looks like the Tin Man has found true love at last.
Now he just needs a brain.
[Slow piano music]
Aw...
Awwwwh!!!
Stop.
STOP.
Stop, this is infringing on my rights.
You stop that foot shit
Okay, we are 40 minutes into this movie
and I don't see any goddamn birds.
[Birds squacking]
[Dive bomb]
Well, that's about enough life for me for one day.
Lemme check the time.
Yeah, it's about that time.
[crash]
I take it back.
Go back to where there weren't birds.
Are these birds...
dive bombing?
Like 1940's Kamikaze pilots?
[dive bomb]
[yellow text]
This scene just shows up
40 minutes into the movie.
Di-j-di-diz- WHAT?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I introduce you to rock bottom.
[moving around, clanking stuff]
Rod: Shit, here they come.
[Hawk screeching]
[Only seagull sound effects]
[Funky techno music]
Jon: Well, I hope they're proud of themselves.
They've done it.
They've broke me.
I have- no words for this.
The best part of this scene isn't even what we're seing here.
The best part is just imagining what was going through these actors' heads
while they were literally just standing there
swatting at the air with wire hangers.
So then, they fire some M4s at the air at some birds for a while.
That happens for a while.
Rod: Hey, look.
There's an old guy on the bridge.
Dr. Jones: Hey, hey. Stand back!
These birds are contagious, now go away.
Keeper: What is your favorite color?
Jon: Man, this guy is really standing his ground
as troll of the bridge.
I don't think they're gonna be able to get across.
Rod: Can't we just talk about it a-at the picnic area?
You wanna talk?
Okay, alright.
Jon: Aw, well, oh-oh...
Well, that was easy.
So tell us,
Mr. Expository Scientist,
what horror is causing this outbreak?
Did they break out from some evil lab?
Are they genetic mutations?
Dr. Jones: These birds?
No way, they're dead from the, uh, Bird Flu virus.
But what I do know is
global warming is causing viral diseases,
such as Bird Flu,
West Nile Virus,
and SARS.
But, there is scientific evidence to show that
because of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gases,
which is causing global warming.
It's raising the temperature of the seas
and-and species like the krill are dying.
Jon: Okay, hold on now.
Am I watching a horror movie
or an episode of NOVA Science Now?
What is this shit?
Watching this movie try to explain itself
is like watching Ms. South Carolina.
I personally believe- that
Dr Jones: global warming is causing viral diseases
Ms. Teen: and, that Iraq, everywhere, like, such as
Dr. Jones: 'cause of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gases.
[Hawk shreeking]
[Yells]
[Only hawk noises]
Jon: Bird acid.
Global warming and the fossil fuels is causing
I don't know about you,
but this is flawless.
Rod: Hi, the eagles killed our friends.
Uh, do you have a phone I can use to call the police?
[Unimportant dialogue in heavy accent]
Wow, are we in a real store right now?
Would you do me a favor
and just look how real this guy is? And
i-i-embrace it for me.
Rod: Well, we need some gas.
Well, you know, from the eagle attack,
we are short on gas, but
it's $100 a gallon if you want it.
Jon: That guy right there is probably the guy
who actually runs the store.
They probably just walked in and were like:
"Da- you wanna be in this movie?'
And he was like:
[in accent] "Da- I probably a-can be in this movie."
This movie is a masterpiece!
It blurs the line between reality and fantasy
and we're just sorta stuck in its limbo.
It's beautiful.
Beautiful limbo.
So now, after being stuck in a while
in this post-apocalyptic bird future,
they buy some gas and drive off on their way.
And then we have a run-in with a guy I'd like to call
Cool Hand McStoneface.
Cool Hand: Howdy.
Hi.
Can you sell me some gas for my truck?
Jon: Think you can move-uh,
a few of those muscles?
Rod: Sorry, but we need it.
Woah, woah. Take it easy, take it easy.
Jon: Woah, man. Those are some serious demands.
for that gas
whether you like it or not."
And then he gets his neck sliced by a falcon.
Yeah, uh-
[yellow text]
Do you not?
Uh, guys, y-you can uh-e
y-you can grab that gas.
You c- you- you're leaving it.
So next, they make their way to the forest
to try and escape this uh-
Birdemic as it were.
And then of course, what else,
they meet a friendly forest creepman who informs them about
I-uh d-beeltes?
Eating the trees?
Tree Hugger: Even worse, the spruce bark beetles are
eating these trees to death and turning them from green to red.
I remember when those beetles used to die out during the winter.
Jon: Mmm-my god.
Every character in this movie
speaks in run-on sentences.
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware this movie
was written by Charlotte Brontë.
["The Price is Right" Theme plays]
[Drum beat]
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
JonTron used our joke.
That's some dirty shit.
I know man, that's our joke.
No, man. The book, man.
That's dirty as fuck, man.
Keep reading.
Mmm, yeah. This is pretty good.
"King Misfit whipped out his
halacious cock."
Yeah, I have the weirdest boner right now.
Jon: I just don't get it.
Why did the director feel such a strong conviction
towards sending an environmentalist message?
It's not even subtle.
Tony: So, you're a Tree Hugger?
Jon: Shit, for a guy who's such an environmentalist,
he sure did drive a lot of cars around in his movie.
For a looonng time.
[Off-distance growl]
Tree Hugger: D-d-d-I hear a mountain lion.
I gotta get back to my house.
You better get to your car.
Jon: Okay.
Good, sure. I'll buy it.
Move on.
Rod: Dammit, we ran out of gas.
Jon: Oh.
I don't know what could of helped you out there.
So a whoooole lot of absolutely nothing happens,
then they fight some more birds and then,
d-j-just like that,
the birds retreat
d-
uh,
Are we done?
[Walks away from mic] I-Is it over?
Hmm, that looks familiar.
[Peaceful music]
Yeah,
it was probably a good idea to leave this shot hanging for so long.
Is the cameraman dead?
Is he de- Am I dead?
Lemme check my pulse.
Yeah- y- ye
[gunshots]
I mean, I'm not gonna lie,
I still find more enjoyment in movies like The Room and Troll 2.
But I think this movie holds its own
among the terribad titans that we've grown to love.
Through all the putrid editing,
horrible special effects,
nonexistent sound editing,
cinematography of a toddler,
droning music,
cardboard characters,
preachy as fuck environmental message,
and everything else wrong with it.
There's just something charming and lovable about it.
If you can say one thing for this film,
I guess you can go ahead and say:
But on the other hand,
if you wanted to say something
that made you sound like a critic that wanted to feel important about himself,
I guess you can call it:
So there you have it.
The best worst movie ever-
Oh my god, EH!
[Hawk screeching]
Whazdat?
Getdaehy!
KubrAM-
Thanks for watching!
Now what I need you to do is to click that big red annotation on the right
and go watch some more "Continue?"
And if you click on the left,
you can watch some more of my videos.
[whipsers] But they're not as goooood!!