WEBVTT

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Hear that?

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That's nothing.

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Which is what I, as a speaker
at today's conference,

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have for you all.

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I have nothing.

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Nada.

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Zip.

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Zilch.

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Zippo.

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Nothing smart. Nothing inspirational.

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Nothing even remotely researched at all.

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I have absolutely
nothing to say whatsoever.

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And yet, through my manner of speaking,
I will make it seem like I do.

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Like what I am saying is brilliant.

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And maybe, just maybe, you will feel
like you've learned something.

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Now, I'm going to get started
with the opening.

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I'm going to make 
a lot of hand gestures.

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I'm going to do this with my right hand,
I'm going to do this with my left.

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I'm going to adjust my glasses.

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And then I'm going to ask you all
a question.

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By a show of hands, how many of you all
have been asked a question before?

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(Laughter)

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Okay, great, I'm seeing some hands.

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And again, I have nothing here.

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Now, I'm gonna react to that

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and act like I'm telling you
a personal anecdote.

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Something to break the tension.

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Something to endear myself a little bit.

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Something kind of embarrassing.

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And you guys 
are going to make an "aw" sound.

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It's true. It really happened.

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(Laughter)

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And now I'm going to bring it
to a broader point.

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I'm going to really beckon.

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I'm going to make it intellectual.

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I'm going to bring it to this man
right here.

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Now, what this man did
was important, I'm sure.

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(Laughter)

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But I, for one,
have no idea who he is.

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I simply googled image
the word "Scientist."

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(Laughter)

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And now you see, I'd like it to seem
like I'm making points,

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building an argument,

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inspiring you to change your life,
when in reality,

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this is just

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me...

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buying...

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time...

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Now, if you don't believe me,
let's take a look at the numbers.

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This is a real thing
that's happening right now.

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The number of talks
that I'm giving is one.

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Interesting facts imparted
thus far in said talk,

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well, that's going to be a zero.

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My height in inches is 70.5.
Note the .5 there.

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2x6 equals 12.

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And then interestingly enough
6x2 also equals 12.

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That's math.

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352 is a three-digit number

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1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then almost immediately
following that we get 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

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Now, to add more filler here,

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I'm going to give you
a couple more number to consider,

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uh ... 18.

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237.

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5,601.

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2.6 million.

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Four.

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Four.

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24. Staggering!

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(Laughter)

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These are real numbers, all of them.

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And to follow that up,
let's take a look at some graphs.

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Now, if you take a look at this pie chart,
what you're going to see

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is that the majority
far exceeds the minority.

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Everybody see that? Cool, isn't it?

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And let's take a look at this bar graph,

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'cause it shows similarly irrelevant data.

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Now, I'm doing this because
I'd like to make it seem

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like I've done my homework.

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If you were, say, watching this
on YouTube with the sound off,

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you might think, "Ah, okay.
This guy knows what he's talking about."

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But I don't.

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I'm floundering, panicking.
I've got nothing.

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I'm a total and utter phony.

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But you know what?

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I was offered a TED Talk.

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And dammit, I'm gonna see it through.

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(Laughter)

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Now, if you take a look behind me,

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these are just words paired with
vaguely thought-provoking stock photos.

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I'm going to point at them

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like I'm making use
both of my time as well as your time.

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But in reality, I don't know
what half of them mean.

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And now, as these continue,
I'm just going to start saying gibberish.

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Wagga wah, gabba gabba.

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Turkey, mouth and a mouth.

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Chip, trip, my dog Skip.

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Rip it and dip it, Richard.

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I'm an itty-bitty baby bopper.

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And I'm hungry in my tum tum.

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Brad Pitt, Uma Thurman.

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Names, things.

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Words, words and more things.

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And see? It feels like it might
make sense, doesn't it?

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Like maybe, just maybe,

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I'm building to some sort of
satisfying conclusion,

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I mean, I'm gesticulating as though I am.

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I'm pacing, I'm growing in intensity,

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I'm taking off my glasses,
which by the way, are just frames.

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(Laughter)

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I wore them to look smart,

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even though my vision is perfect.

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And now I'm going to slow things down
a little bit.

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I'm going to change the tone.

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I'm going to make it seem
like I'm building to a moment.

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And what if I was?

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(Laughter)

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Amazing, isn't it? What can we do?

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Life's a roller coaster.

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You know, if there's one thing
you'd take away from my talk,

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I'd like you to think about
what you heard at the beginning,

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and I'd like you to think
about what you hear now.

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Because it was nothing

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and it's still nothing, think about that.

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Or don't, that's fine.

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And now I'm going to stop talking.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)