1
00:00:19,514 --> 00:00:21,226
Hear that?

2
00:00:21,762 --> 00:00:24,027
That's nothing.

3
00:00:24,736 --> 00:00:28,381
Which is what I, as a speaker
at today's conference,

4
00:00:28,381 --> 00:00:29,816
have for you all.

5
00:00:30,216 --> 00:00:32,460
I have nothing.

6
00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:33,724
Nada.

7
00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:34,819
Zip.

8
00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,277
Zilch.

9
00:00:36,277 --> 00:00:37,407
Zippo.

10
00:00:37,977 --> 00:00:40,360
Nothing smart. Nothing inspirational.

11
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,688
Nothing even remotely researched at all.

12
00:00:43,688 --> 00:00:47,147
I have absolutely
nothing to say whatsoever.

13
00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:52,178
And yet, through my manner of speaking,
I will make it seem like I do.

14
00:00:53,238 --> 00:00:55,879
Like what I am saying is brilliant.

15
00:00:55,879 --> 00:01:01,769
And maybe, just maybe, you will feel
like you've learned something.

16
00:01:02,789 --> 00:01:04,986
Now, I'm going to get started
with the opening.

17
00:01:04,986 --> 00:01:06,935
I'm going to make 
a lot of hand gestures.

18
00:01:06,935 --> 00:01:10,091
I'm going to do this with my right hand,
I'm going to do this with my left.

19
00:01:10,091 --> 00:01:11,803
I'm going to adjust my glasses.

20
00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:13,951
And then I'm going to ask you all
a question.

21
00:01:13,951 --> 00:01:17,502
By a show of hands, how many of you all
have been asked a question before?

22
00:01:17,502 --> 00:01:18,490
(Laughter)

23
00:01:18,490 --> 00:01:20,170
Okay, great, I'm seeing some hands.

24
00:01:20,170 --> 00:01:22,150
And again, I have nothing here.

25
00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:24,764
Now, I'm gonna react to that

26
00:01:24,764 --> 00:01:27,910
and act like I'm telling you
a personal anecdote.

27
00:01:27,910 --> 00:01:30,144
Something to break the tension.

28
00:01:30,144 --> 00:01:32,731
Something to endear myself a little bit.

29
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Something kind of embarrassing.

30
00:01:38,257 --> 00:01:41,394
And you guys 
are going to make an "aw" sound.

31
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It's true. It really happened.

32
00:01:44,351 --> 00:01:45,336
(Laughter)

33
00:01:45,336 --> 00:01:47,518
And now I'm going to bring it
to a broader point.

34
00:01:47,518 --> 00:01:49,511
I'm going to really back in.

35
00:01:50,131 --> 00:01:52,549
I'm going to make it intellectual.

36
00:01:52,549 --> 00:01:55,122
I'm going to bring it to this man
right here.

37
00:01:55,122 --> 00:01:59,796
Now, what this man did
was important, I'm sure.

38
00:01:59,796 --> 00:02:01,382
(Laughter)

39
00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:04,526
But I, for one,
have no idea who he is.

40
00:02:04,526 --> 00:02:07,502
I simply googled image
the word "Scientist."

41
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,407
(Laughter)

42
00:02:08,407 --> 00:02:11,734
And now you see, I'd like it to seem
like I'm making points,

43
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:13,114
building an argument,

44
00:02:13,114 --> 00:02:16,518
inspiring you to change your life,
when in reality,

45
00:02:16,518 --> 00:02:17,629
this is just

46
00:02:17,629 --> 00:02:19,020
me...

47
00:02:19,020 --> 00:02:20,161
buying...

48
00:02:20,161 --> 00:02:20,999
time...

49
00:02:20,999 --> 00:02:23,973
Now, if you don't believe me,
let's take a look at the numbers.

50
00:02:23,973 --> 00:02:26,908
This is a real thing
that's happening right now.

51
00:02:26,908 --> 00:02:30,524
The number of talks
that I'm giving is one.

52
00:02:30,524 --> 00:02:32,832
Interesting facts imparted
thus far in said talk,

53
00:02:32,832 --> 00:02:34,925
well, that's going to be a zero.

54
00:02:34,925 --> 00:02:39,484
My height in inches is 70.5.
Note the .5 there.

55
00:02:39,484 --> 00:02:41,178
2x6 equals 12.

56
00:02:41,178 --> 00:02:43,842
And then interestingly enough
6x2 also equals 12.

57
00:02:43,842 --> 00:02:45,528
That's math.

58
00:02:46,748 --> 00:02:50,054
352 is a three-digit number

59
00:02:50,054 --> 00:02:55,262
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then almost immediately
following that we get 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

60
00:02:56,455 --> 00:02:57,855
Now, to add more filler here,

61
00:02:57,855 --> 00:03:00,439
I'm going to give you
a couple more number to consider,

62
00:03:00,439 --> 00:03:02,202
uh ... 18.

63
00:03:02,202 --> 00:03:03,936
237.

64
00:03:03,941 --> 00:03:06,157
5,601.

65
00:03:06,157 --> 00:03:08,837
2.6 million.

66
00:03:08,837 --> 00:03:10,038
Four.

67
00:03:10,038 --> 00:03:11,204
Four.

68
00:03:11,204 --> 00:03:14,094
24. Staggering!

69
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,064
(Laughter)

70
00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:17,593
These are real numbers, all of them.

71
00:03:17,593 --> 00:03:20,224
And to follow that up,
let's take a look at some graphs.

72
00:03:20,224 --> 00:03:23,236
Now, if you take a look at this pie chart,
what you're going to see

73
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:26,313
is that the majority
far exceeds the minority.

74
00:03:26,313 --> 00:03:29,604
Everybody see that? Cool, isn't it?

75
00:03:29,604 --> 00:03:31,608
And let's take a look at this bar graph,

76
00:03:31,608 --> 00:03:34,248
'cause it shows similarly irrelevant data.

77
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:37,570
Now, I'm doing this because
I'd like to make it seem

78
00:03:37,570 --> 00:03:39,280
like I've done my homework.

79
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,222
If you were, say, watching this
on YouTube with the sound off,

80
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:47,124
you might think, "Ah, okay.
This guy knows what he's talking about."

81
00:03:47,124 --> 00:03:48,927
But I don't.

82
00:03:48,927 --> 00:03:51,609
I'm floundering, panicking.
I've got nothing.

83
00:03:51,609 --> 00:03:53,751
I'm a total and utter phony.

84
00:03:53,751 --> 00:03:55,326
But you know what?

85
00:03:55,326 --> 00:03:57,083
I was offered a TED Talk.

86
00:03:57,083 --> 00:03:59,722
And dammit, I'm gonna see it through.

87
00:03:59,722 --> 00:04:01,532
(Laughter)

88
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:03,233
Now, if you take a look behind me,

89
00:04:03,233 --> 00:04:08,329
these are just words paired with
vaguely thought-provoking stock photos.

90
00:04:08,329 --> 00:04:09,780
I'm going to point at them

91
00:04:09,780 --> 00:04:12,443
like I'm making use
both of my time as well as your time.

92
00:04:12,443 --> 00:04:15,567
But in reality, I don't know
what half of them mean.

93
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:19,048
And now, as these continue,
I'm just going to start saying gibberish.

94
00:04:19,048 --> 00:04:21,603
Wagga wah, gabba gabba.

95
00:04:21,603 --> 00:04:24,377
Turkey, mouth and a mouth.

96
00:04:24,377 --> 00:04:27,259
Chip, trip, my dog Skip.

97
00:04:27,259 --> 00:04:29,389
Rip it and dip it, Richard.

98
00:04:29,389 --> 00:04:31,189
I'm an itty-bitty baby bopper.

99
00:04:31,189 --> 00:04:33,322
And I'm hungry in my tum tum.

100
00:04:33,322 --> 00:04:36,173
Brad Pitt, Uma Thurman.

101
00:04:36,173 --> 00:04:37,786
Names, things.

102
00:04:37,786 --> 00:04:39,845
Words, words and more things.

103
00:04:39,845 --> 00:04:43,552
And see? It feels like it might
make sense, doesn't it?

104
00:04:43,552 --> 00:04:44,836
Like maybe, just maybe,

105
00:04:44,836 --> 00:04:47,236
I'm building to some sort of
satisfying conclusion,

106
00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:49,491
I mean, I'm gesticulating as though I am.

107
00:04:49,491 --> 00:04:51,305
I'm pacing, I'm growing in intensity,

108
00:04:51,305 --> 00:04:54,285
I'm taking off my glasses,
which by the way, are just frames.

109
00:04:54,285 --> 00:04:57,007
(Laughter)

110
00:04:59,229 --> 00:05:02,171
I wore them to look smart,

111
00:05:02,171 --> 00:05:06,266
even though my vision is perfect.

112
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:10,111
And now I'm going to slow things down
a little bit.

113
00:05:10,111 --> 00:05:13,025
I'm going to change the tone.

114
00:05:13,025 --> 00:05:18,618
I'm going to make it seem
like I'm building to a moment.

115
00:05:20,740 --> 00:05:22,524
And what if I was?

116
00:05:22,524 --> 00:05:24,699
(Laughter)

117
00:05:24,702 --> 00:05:26,658
Amazing, isn't it? What can we do?

118
00:05:26,658 --> 00:05:29,128
Life's a roller coaster.

119
00:05:32,550 --> 00:05:35,617
You know, if there's one thing
you'd take away from my talk,

120
00:05:35,617 --> 00:05:38,435
I'd like you to think about
what you heard at the beginning,

121
00:05:38,435 --> 00:05:42,489
and I'd like you to think
about what you hear now.

122
00:05:42,489 --> 00:05:44,412
Because it was nothing

123
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:47,425
and it's still nothing, think about that.

124
00:05:47,425 --> 00:05:49,488
Or don't, that's fine.

125
00:05:49,488 --> 00:05:52,217
And now I'm going to stop talking.

126
00:05:52,217 --> 00:05:53,601
Thank you.

127
00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:55,400
(Applause)