WEBVTT 00:00:01.976 --> 00:00:04.889 So, I'm going to talk about photosynthesis today. 00:00:04.913 --> 00:00:07.539 No, I'm actually not going to talk about photosynthesis, 00:00:07.563 --> 00:00:09.254 I'm the only non-DuPont person here 00:00:09.278 --> 00:00:11.625 and I thought I should try to be a little sciency. 00:00:11.649 --> 00:00:14.544 It's all I got -- Krebs cycle, molecules, I don't know. 00:00:16.450 --> 00:00:18.712 I'm going to start by telling you about an email 00:00:18.736 --> 00:00:20.545 that I saw in my inbox recently. 00:00:20.919 --> 00:00:23.744 Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox, 00:00:23.768 --> 00:00:25.204 because I'm a therapist 00:00:25.228 --> 00:00:28.383 and I write an advice column called "Dear therapist." 00:00:28.696 --> 00:00:31.140 So you can imagine what's in there. 00:00:31.164 --> 00:00:35.395 I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters 00:00:35.419 --> 00:00:37.685 from strangers all over the world. 00:00:38.132 --> 00:00:40.425 And these letters range from heartbreak and loss, 00:00:40.449 --> 00:00:42.799 to spats with parents or siblings. 00:00:42.823 --> 00:00:45.224 I keep them in a folder on my laptop, 00:00:45.248 --> 00:00:47.981 and I've named it "The problems of living." 00:00:48.005 --> 00:00:51.410 So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this, 00:00:51.434 --> 00:00:53.792 and I want to bring you into my world for a second 00:00:53.816 --> 00:00:56.045 and read you one of these letters. 00:00:56.069 --> 00:00:57.603 And here's how it goes. 00:01:02.275 --> 00:01:04.052 "Dear therapist, 00:01:04.076 --> 00:01:05.513 I've been married for 10 years 00:01:05.537 --> 00:01:08.219 and things were good until a couple of years ago. 00:01:08.243 --> 00:01:11.014 That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much, 00:01:11.038 --> 00:01:12.887 and now we barely have sex at all." 00:01:12.911 --> 00:01:14.926 I'm sure you guys were not expecting this. 00:01:14.950 --> 00:01:15.951 (Laughter) 00:01:15.975 --> 00:01:17.998 "Well, last night I discovered 00:01:18.022 --> 00:01:19.378 that for the past few months 00:01:19.402 --> 00:01:21.942 he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls 00:01:21.966 --> 00:01:23.569 with a woman at his office. 00:01:23.593 --> 00:01:26.049 I googled her and she's gorgeous. 00:01:26.073 --> 00:01:27.867 I can't believe this is happening. 00:01:27.891 --> 00:01:30.565 My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young, 00:01:30.589 --> 00:01:32.692 and it broke our family apart. 00:01:32.716 --> 00:01:35.081 Needless to say, I'm devastated. 00:01:35.105 --> 00:01:36.442 If I stay in this marriage, 00:01:36.466 --> 00:01:38.577 I'll never be able to trust my husband again. 00:01:38.601 --> 00:01:40.990 But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce, 00:01:41.014 --> 00:01:42.855 stepmom situation, etc. 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:44.079 What should I do?" 00:01:46.320 --> 00:01:49.478 Well, what do you think she should do? 00:01:50.304 --> 00:01:51.542 If you got this letter, 00:01:51.566 --> 00:01:55.034 you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is. 00:01:55.379 --> 00:01:58.514 Or maybe about how especially painful it is here, 00:01:58.538 --> 00:02:01.204 because of her experience growing up with her father. 00:02:01.617 --> 00:02:04.479 And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman, 00:02:04.503 --> 00:02:05.915 and you might even have some, 00:02:05.939 --> 00:02:07.383 how should I put this nicely, 00:02:07.407 --> 00:02:10.661 let's just call them "not so positive" feelings for her husband. 00:02:10.685 --> 00:02:13.641 Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too, 00:02:13.665 --> 00:02:15.673 when I'm reading these letters in my inbox. 00:02:15.697 --> 00:02:18.776 But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters, 00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:22.775 because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story 00:02:22.799 --> 00:02:24.727 written by a specific author. 00:02:24.751 --> 00:02:27.799 And that another version of this story also exists. 00:02:27.823 --> 00:02:29.243 It always does. 00:02:29.743 --> 00:02:30.903 And I know this, 00:02:30.927 --> 00:02:33.179 because if I've learned anything as a therapist, 00:02:33.203 --> 00:02:36.534 it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. 00:02:36.883 --> 00:02:38.033 I am. 00:02:38.550 --> 00:02:39.700 You are. 00:02:40.074 --> 00:02:42.307 And so is everyone you know. 00:02:42.331 --> 00:02:44.291 Which I probably shouldn't have told you, 00:02:44.315 --> 00:02:46.799 because now you're not going to believe my TED talk. 00:02:46.823 --> 00:02:49.188 Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead. 00:02:49.212 --> 00:02:52.324 Most of what people tell me is absolutely true, 00:02:52.348 --> 00:02:54.609 just from their current points of view. 00:02:54.633 --> 00:02:57.061 Depending on what they emphasize or minimize, 00:02:57.085 --> 00:02:58.994 what they leave in, what they leave out, 00:02:59.018 --> 00:03:01.034 what they see and what they want me to see, 00:03:01.058 --> 00:03:03.732 they tell their stories in a particular way. 00:03:03.756 --> 00:03:06.921 The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully, he said, 00:03:06.945 --> 00:03:11.104 "To tell a story is inescapably to take a moral stance." 00:03:11.543 --> 00:03:14.178 All of us walk around with stories about our lives. 00:03:14.202 --> 00:03:16.638 Why choices were made, why things went wrong, 00:03:16.662 --> 00:03:18.535 why we treated someone a certain way -- 00:03:18.559 --> 00:03:20.552 because obviously they deserved it -- 00:03:20.576 --> 00:03:22.514 why someone treated us a certain way -- 00:03:22.538 --> 00:03:24.276 even though obviously we didn't. 00:03:24.300 --> 00:03:27.252 Stories are the way we make sense of our lives. 00:03:27.276 --> 00:03:29.966 But what happens when the stories we tell 00:03:29.990 --> 00:03:33.513 are misleading or incomplete or just wrong? 00:03:34.506 --> 00:03:36.186 Well, instead of providing clarity, 00:03:36.210 --> 00:03:38.068 these stories keep us stuck. 00:03:38.092 --> 00:03:41.314 We assume that our circumstances shape our stories. 00:03:41.807 --> 00:03:43.840 But what I found time and again in my work 00:03:43.864 --> 00:03:45.815 is that the exact opposite happens. 00:03:45.839 --> 00:03:49.434 The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. 00:03:50.566 --> 00:03:52.145 That's the danger of our stories, 00:03:52.169 --> 00:03:53.851 because they can really mess us up, 00:03:53.875 --> 00:03:55.121 but it's also their power. 00:03:55.145 --> 00:03:58.129 Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, 00:03:58.153 --> 00:04:00.208 then we can change our lives. 00:04:00.232 --> 00:04:02.129 And today, I want to show you how. 00:04:03.201 --> 00:04:05.034 Now, I told you I'm a therapist, 00:04:05.058 --> 00:04:07.931 and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator. 00:04:07.955 --> 00:04:10.161 But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, 00:04:10.185 --> 00:04:12.066 and someone asks what I do, 00:04:12.090 --> 00:04:14.214 I usually say I'm an editor. 00:04:14.619 --> 00:04:17.166 And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist 00:04:17.190 --> 00:04:20.174 I always get some awkward response like, 00:04:20.198 --> 00:04:21.873 "Oh, a therapist. 00:04:21.897 --> 00:04:24.045 Are you going to psychoanalyze me?" 00:04:24.069 --> 00:04:25.633 And I'm thinking, A -- no, 00:04:25.657 --> 00:04:28.061 and B -- why would I do that here? 00:04:28.085 --> 00:04:29.585 If I said I was a gynecologist, 00:04:29.609 --> 00:04:32.252 would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam? 00:04:32.276 --> 00:04:34.251 (Laughter) 00:04:34.784 --> 00:04:37.046 But the main reason I say I'm an editor 00:04:37.070 --> 00:04:38.594 is because it's true. 00:04:38.618 --> 00:04:41.299 Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit, 00:04:41.323 --> 00:04:44.433 but what's interesting about my specific role as "Dear Therapist," 00:04:44.457 --> 00:04:47.148 is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person. 00:04:47.172 --> 00:04:49.846 I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit, 00:04:49.870 --> 00:04:51.878 using one letter each week as the example. 00:04:51.902 --> 00:04:53.545 So I'm thinking about things like, 00:04:53.569 --> 00:04:55.347 what material is extraneous, 00:04:55.371 --> 00:04:58.617 is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles, 00:04:58.641 --> 00:05:01.768 are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction? 00:05:01.792 --> 00:05:03.925 Do the plot points reveal a theme? 00:05:04.276 --> 00:05:05.831 And what I've noticed 00:05:05.855 --> 00:05:09.855 is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes. 00:05:09.879 --> 00:05:11.355 The first is freedom, 00:05:11.379 --> 00:05:13.156 and the second is change. 00:05:13.180 --> 00:05:14.410 And when I edit, 00:05:14.434 --> 00:05:16.526 those are the themes that I start with. 00:05:16.550 --> 00:05:19.248 So, let's take a loot at freedom for a second. 00:05:19.272 --> 00:05:22.026 Our stories about freedom go like this: 00:05:22.050 --> 00:05:23.915 We believe, in general, 00:05:23.939 --> 00:05:27.327 that we have an enormous amount of freedom. 00:05:27.894 --> 00:05:29.974 Except when it comes to the problem at hand, 00:05:29.998 --> 00:05:32.498 in which case suddenly we feel like we have none. 00:05:32.522 --> 00:05:35.180 Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right? 00:05:35.204 --> 00:05:37.679 We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs, 00:05:37.703 --> 00:05:39.815 our relationships, our pasts. 00:05:40.315 --> 00:05:43.843 Sometimes we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation, 00:05:43.867 --> 00:05:45.756 I know you guys all know these stories. 00:05:45.780 --> 00:05:48.029 The "everyone's life is better than mine" story, 00:05:48.053 --> 00:05:49.299 courtesy of social media. 00:05:49.323 --> 00:05:51.895 The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story, 00:05:51.919 --> 00:05:54.117 the "nothing will ever work out for me" story. 00:05:54.141 --> 00:05:56.678 The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer, 00:05:56.702 --> 00:05:58.219 that means she hates me" story. 00:05:58.243 --> 00:06:00.304 I see you, see, I'm not the only one. 00:06:01.109 --> 00:06:03.014 The woman who wrote me that letter, 00:06:03.038 --> 00:06:04.926 she also feels trapped. 00:06:04.950 --> 00:06:07.799 If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again, 00:06:07.823 --> 00:06:10.228 but if she leaves, her children will suffer. 00:06:10.617 --> 00:06:13.497 Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example 00:06:13.521 --> 00:06:16.045 of what's really going on in these stories. 00:06:16.069 --> 00:06:18.475 The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars, 00:06:18.499 --> 00:06:20.521 desperately trying to get out. 00:06:20.545 --> 00:06:22.736 But on the right and the left, it's open. 00:06:22.760 --> 00:06:24.521 No bars. 00:06:24.545 --> 00:06:26.751 The prisoner isn't in jail. 00:06:27.554 --> 00:06:28.729 That's most of us. 00:06:28.753 --> 00:06:30.356 We feel completely trapped, 00:06:30.380 --> 00:06:32.475 stuck in our emotional jail cells. 00:06:32.499 --> 00:06:34.618 But we don't walk around the bars to freedom, 00:06:34.642 --> 00:06:36.776 because we know there's a catch. 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:39.066 Freedom comes with responsibility. 00:06:39.379 --> 00:06:43.228 And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, 00:06:43.252 --> 00:06:45.371 we might just have to change. 00:06:45.395 --> 00:06:48.633 And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories, change. 00:06:48.657 --> 00:06:50.133 Those stories sound like this: 00:06:50.157 --> 00:06:52.363 a person says, "I want to change." 00:06:52.387 --> 00:06:54.354 But what they really mean is 00:06:54.378 --> 00:06:57.601 "I want another character in the story to change." 00:06:58.053 --> 00:06:59.783 Therapists describe this dilemma as, 00:06:59.807 --> 00:07:01.839 if the queen had balls, she'd be the king. 00:07:02.339 --> 00:07:03.498 I mean -- 00:07:03.522 --> 00:07:04.522 (Laughter) 00:07:04.546 --> 00:07:06.450 It makes no sense, right? 00:07:07.500 --> 00:07:09.484 Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, 00:07:09.508 --> 00:07:11.913 who's the hero of the story, to change? 00:07:11.937 --> 00:07:13.564 Well, it might be because change, 00:07:13.588 --> 00:07:15.318 even really positive change, 00:07:15.342 --> 00:07:17.934 involves a surprising amount of loss. 00:07:17.958 --> 00:07:19.569 Loss of the familiar. 00:07:19.593 --> 00:07:22.926 Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable, 00:07:22.950 --> 00:07:25.434 at least we know the characters and setting and plot, 00:07:25.458 --> 00:07:27.871 right down to the recurring dialogue in this story. 00:07:27.895 --> 00:07:29.213 "You never do the laundry!" 00:07:29.237 --> 00:07:30.450 "I did it last time!" 00:07:30.474 --> 00:07:31.638 "Oh, yeah? When?" 00:07:31.662 --> 00:07:33.393 There's something oddly comforting 00:07:33.417 --> 00:07:35.767 about knowing exactly how the story is going to go 00:07:35.791 --> 00:07:37.243 every single time. 00:07:37.747 --> 00:07:41.263 To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown. 00:07:41.287 --> 00:07:43.493 It's to stare at a blank page. 00:07:43.517 --> 00:07:45.080 And as any writer will tell you, 00:07:45.104 --> 00:07:47.675 there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page. 00:07:48.053 --> 00:07:49.490 But here's the thing. 00:07:49.514 --> 00:07:51.537 Once we edit our story, 00:07:51.561 --> 00:07:54.695 the next chapter becomes much easier to write. 00:07:55.036 --> 00:07:58.330 We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves. 00:07:58.354 --> 00:08:01.941 But part of getting to know yourself is to unknown yourself. 00:08:01.965 --> 00:08:05.553 To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself, 00:08:05.577 --> 00:08:07.403 so that you can live your life 00:08:07.427 --> 00:08:09.823 and not the story that you've been telling yourself 00:08:09.847 --> 00:08:10.997 about your life. 00:08:11.474 --> 00:08:14.310 And that's how we walk around those bars. 00:08:14.874 --> 00:08:16.526 So I want to go back to the letter 00:08:16.550 --> 00:08:18.215 from the woman about the affair. 00:08:18.239 --> 00:08:20.350 She asked me what she should do. 00:08:20.374 --> 00:08:22.823 Now, I have this word taped up in my office: 00:08:22.847 --> 00:08:24.831 ultracrepidarianism. 00:08:24.855 --> 00:08:27.037 The habit of giving advice or opinions 00:08:27.061 --> 00:08:29.450 outside of one's knowledge or competence. 00:08:29.474 --> 00:08:30.752 It's a great word, right? 00:08:30.776 --> 00:08:32.737 You can use it in all different contexts, 00:08:32.761 --> 00:08:35.172 I'm sure you will be using it after this TED talk. 00:08:35.196 --> 00:08:38.107 I use it, because it reminds me that as a therapist, 00:08:38.131 --> 00:08:40.513 I can help people to sort out what they want to do, 00:08:40.537 --> 00:08:43.005 but I can't make their life choices for them. 00:08:43.331 --> 00:08:45.950 Only you can write your story 00:08:45.974 --> 00:08:48.077 and all you need are some tools. 00:08:48.101 --> 00:08:49.392 So what I want to do, 00:08:49.416 --> 00:08:52.209 is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here, 00:08:52.233 --> 00:08:55.265 as a way to show how we can all revise our stories. 00:08:55.575 --> 00:08:57.749 And I want to start by asking you 00:08:57.773 --> 00:09:01.209 to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now, 00:09:01.233 --> 00:09:03.354 that might not be serving you well. 00:09:03.378 --> 00:09:06.442 It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing, 00:09:06.466 --> 00:09:08.894 it might be about a person in your life, 00:09:08.918 --> 00:09:10.886 it might even be about yourself. 00:09:11.370 --> 00:09:14.302 And I want you to look at the supporting characters. 00:09:14.326 --> 00:09:16.151 Who are the people who are helping you 00:09:16.175 --> 00:09:19.254 to uphold the wrong version of this story? 00:09:19.779 --> 00:09:22.192 For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter 00:09:22.216 --> 00:09:23.739 told her friends what happened, 00:09:23.763 --> 00:09:26.768 they would probably offer her what's called idiot compassion. 00:09:26.792 --> 00:09:29.292 Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story, 00:09:29.316 --> 00:09:31.672 we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," 00:09:31.696 --> 00:09:34.807 when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, 00:09:34.831 --> 00:09:37.602 even though we know this has happened several times before, 00:09:37.626 --> 00:09:39.642 because he doesn't really put in the effort 00:09:39.666 --> 00:09:41.936 and he probably also steals office supplies. 00:09:42.587 --> 00:09:45.317 We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," 00:09:45.341 --> 00:09:48.380 when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her, 00:09:48.404 --> 00:09:50.610 even though we know that there are certain ways 00:09:50.634 --> 00:09:52.418 she tends to behave in relationships, 00:09:52.442 --> 00:09:55.268 like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers 00:09:55.292 --> 00:09:56.982 that tend to lead to this outcome. 00:09:57.006 --> 00:09:58.656 We see the problem, it's like, 00:09:58.680 --> 00:10:01.085 if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, 00:10:01.109 --> 00:10:02.260 it might be you. 00:10:02.284 --> 00:10:04.545 (Laughter) 00:10:04.569 --> 00:10:06.315 In order to be good editors, 00:10:06.339 --> 00:10:08.268 we need to offer wise compassion, 00:10:08.292 --> 00:10:10.793 not just to our friends, but to ourselves. 00:10:10.817 --> 00:10:13.545 This is what's called, I think the technical term might be 00:10:13.569 --> 00:10:16.036 delivering compassionate truth bombs. 00:10:16.601 --> 00:10:18.530 And these truth bombs are compassionate, 00:10:18.554 --> 00:10:21.433 because they help us to see what we've left out of the story. 00:10:21.457 --> 00:10:22.617 The truth is, 00:10:22.641 --> 00:10:25.363 we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair. 00:10:25.387 --> 00:10:28.135 Or why their sex life changed two years ago. 00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:31.286 Or what those late-night phone calls are really about. 00:10:31.310 --> 00:10:33.421 And it might be that because of her history, 00:10:33.445 --> 00:10:36.056 she's writing a singular story of betrayal, 00:10:36.080 --> 00:10:37.982 but there's probably something else 00:10:38.006 --> 00:10:40.950 that she's not willing to let me, in her letter, 00:10:40.974 --> 00:10:42.974 or maybe even herself, to see. 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:46.029 It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test. 00:10:46.053 --> 00:10:47.903 You all know what Rorschach tests are? 00:10:47.927 --> 00:10:50.911 A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that, 00:10:50.935 --> 00:10:53.421 and asks, "What do you see?" 00:10:53.864 --> 00:10:56.340 So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says, 00:10:56.364 --> 00:10:59.881 "Well, I definitely don't see blood." 00:11:01.252 --> 00:11:02.911 And the examiner says, 00:11:02.935 --> 00:11:06.389 "Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see." 00:11:07.199 --> 00:11:09.509 In writing, this is called point of view. 00:11:09.533 --> 00:11:12.286 What is the narrator not willing to see? 00:11:12.310 --> 00:11:15.286 So, I want to read you one more letter. 00:11:16.374 --> 00:11:18.619 And it goes like this. 00:11:20.437 --> 00:11:22.080 "Dear therapist, 00:11:23.278 --> 00:11:25.174 I need help with my wife. 00:11:25.198 --> 00:11:27.102 Lately, everything I do irritates her, 00:11:27.126 --> 00:11:30.198 even small things, like the noise I make when I chew. 00:11:30.791 --> 00:11:31.974 At breakfast, 00:11:31.998 --> 00:11:35.308 I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola 00:11:35.332 --> 00:11:36.611 so it won't be as crunchy. 00:11:36.635 --> 00:11:38.022 (Laughter) 00:11:38.046 --> 00:11:42.157 I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago. 00:11:42.181 --> 00:11:43.459 I was very close with him, 00:11:43.483 --> 00:11:45.371 and her father left when she was young, 00:11:45.395 --> 00:11:47.958 so she couldn't relate to what I was going through. 00:11:47.982 --> 00:11:50.815 There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago, 00:11:50.839 --> 00:11:52.529 and who understand my grief. 00:11:52.553 --> 00:11:55.641 I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend, 00:11:55.665 --> 00:11:58.395 but I feel like she barely tolerates me now. 00:11:58.419 --> 00:12:00.285 How can I get my wife back?" 00:12:00.895 --> 00:12:02.045 OK. 00:12:02.538 --> 00:12:04.903 So, what you probably picked up on 00:12:04.927 --> 00:12:07.855 is that this is the same story I read you earlier, 00:12:07.879 --> 00:12:10.450 just told from another narrator's point of view. 00:12:10.474 --> 00:12:12.871 Her story was about a husband who's cheating, 00:12:12.895 --> 00:12:16.243 his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief. 00:12:16.736 --> 00:12:20.054 But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences, 00:12:20.078 --> 00:12:23.982 what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection. 00:12:24.402 --> 00:12:26.783 And if we can get out of the first person narration 00:12:26.807 --> 00:12:29.529 and write the story from another character's perspective, 00:12:29.553 --> 00:12:32.426 suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic 00:12:32.450 --> 00:12:34.251 and the plot opens up. 00:12:34.919 --> 00:12:37.720 That's the hardest step in the editing process, 00:12:37.744 --> 00:12:40.011 but it's also where change begins. 00:12:40.363 --> 00:12:43.903 What would happen if you looked at your story 00:12:43.927 --> 00:12:46.815 and wrote it from another person's point of view? 00:12:47.244 --> 00:12:50.704 What would you see now from this wider perspective? 00:12:51.585 --> 00:12:53.807 That's why when I see people who are depressed, 00:12:53.831 --> 00:12:54.982 I sometimes say, 00:12:55.006 --> 00:12:58.125 "You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now." 00:12:58.149 --> 00:13:01.223 Because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way. 00:13:01.247 --> 00:13:02.803 It narrows our perspectives. 00:13:02.827 --> 00:13:06.160 The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected. 00:13:06.184 --> 00:13:07.803 We create all kinds of stories 00:13:07.827 --> 00:13:09.606 distorted through a very narrow lens 00:13:09.630 --> 00:13:11.947 that we don't even know we're looking through. 00:13:12.257 --> 00:13:16.011 And then we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters. 00:13:17.059 --> 00:13:18.925 I have a confession to make. 00:13:19.575 --> 00:13:22.593 I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you. 00:13:22.617 --> 00:13:24.442 You have no idea how much time I spent 00:13:24.466 --> 00:13:26.903 debating between granola and pita chips, by the way. 00:13:26.927 --> 00:13:30.065 I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives 00:13:30.089 --> 00:13:31.533 that I've seen over the years, 00:13:31.557 --> 00:13:35.276 not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column. 00:13:35.300 --> 00:13:36.537 When it's happened 00:13:36.561 --> 00:13:38.807 that two people involved in the same situation 00:13:38.831 --> 00:13:41.307 have written to me, unbeknownst to the other, 00:13:41.331 --> 00:13:43.323 and I have two versions of the same story 00:13:43.347 --> 00:13:44.680 sitting in my inbox. 00:13:45.123 --> 00:13:46.811 That really has happened. 00:13:47.478 --> 00:13:50.405 I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is, 00:13:50.429 --> 00:13:51.898 but I do know this: 00:13:51.922 --> 00:13:53.255 she has to write it. 00:13:53.659 --> 00:13:55.704 Because with a courageous edit, 00:13:55.728 --> 00:13:59.530 she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me. 00:13:59.554 --> 00:14:02.180 Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind, 00:14:02.204 --> 00:14:03.934 and maybe he is, 00:14:03.958 --> 00:14:07.021 she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet. 00:14:07.673 --> 00:14:10.561 Because just by virtue of doing an edit, 00:14:10.585 --> 00:14:13.897 she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become. 00:14:14.854 --> 00:14:18.409 Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck. 00:14:18.433 --> 00:14:21.361 And they're really invested in their stuckness. 00:14:21.703 --> 00:14:24.279 We call them help-rejecting complainers. 00:14:24.303 --> 00:14:25.977 I'm sure you know people like this. 00:14:26.001 --> 00:14:29.057 They are the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion, 00:14:29.081 --> 00:14:33.930 they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work because ..." 00:14:34.378 --> 00:14:37.696 "Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that." 00:14:37.720 --> 00:14:41.926 "Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying." 00:14:41.950 --> 00:14:43.998 (Laughter) 00:14:44.022 --> 00:14:45.799 What they're really rejecting 00:14:45.823 --> 00:14:49.223 is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness. 00:14:49.877 --> 00:14:53.091 And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach. 00:14:53.115 --> 00:14:55.774 And what I do is I say something else. 00:14:55.798 --> 00:14:57.805 I say to them, 00:14:57.829 --> 00:14:59.725 "We're all going to die." 00:15:00.411 --> 00:15:03.180 I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now. 00:15:03.633 --> 00:15:04.982 Because they look back at me 00:15:05.006 --> 00:15:07.077 the way you're looking back at me right now 00:15:07.101 --> 00:15:08.760 with this look of utter confusion. 00:15:08.784 --> 00:15:10.879 But then I explain that there's a story 00:15:10.903 --> 00:15:13.680 that gets written about all of us eventually. 00:15:13.704 --> 00:15:15.304 It's called an obituary. 00:15:16.180 --> 00:15:17.331 And I say, 00:15:17.355 --> 00:15:20.593 that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness, 00:15:20.617 --> 00:15:23.902 we get to shape these stories while we're still alive. 00:15:24.593 --> 00:15:27.220 We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories, 00:15:27.244 --> 00:15:30.140 we get to chose what goes on the page that lives in our minds 00:15:30.164 --> 00:15:31.831 and shapes our realities. 00:15:32.673 --> 00:15:36.536 I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to 00:15:36.560 --> 00:15:38.242 and which ones need an edit. 00:15:38.266 --> 00:15:41.282 And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision, 00:15:41.306 --> 00:15:44.472 because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives 00:15:44.496 --> 00:15:46.680 than the stories we tell ourselves about them. 00:15:46.704 --> 00:15:50.045 I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives, 00:15:50.069 --> 00:15:53.950 we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize. 00:15:53.974 --> 00:15:56.843 Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers. 00:15:56.867 --> 00:15:59.220 Or at least we don't believe we are. 00:15:59.244 --> 00:16:01.871 But it's a role that is so easy to slip into 00:16:01.895 --> 00:16:05.106 when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable. 00:16:05.130 --> 00:16:07.693 So the next time you're struggling with something, 00:16:07.717 --> 00:16:09.146 remember, 00:16:09.170 --> 00:16:10.693 we're all going to die. 00:16:10.717 --> 00:16:12.146 (Laughter) 00:16:12.170 --> 00:16:14.678 And then pull out your editing tools, 00:16:14.702 --> 00:16:16.321 and ask yourself, 00:16:16.345 --> 00:16:19.297 what do I want my story to be? 00:16:20.506 --> 00:16:23.912 And then go write your masterpiece. 00:16:24.293 --> 00:16:25.452 Thank you. 00:16:25.476 --> 00:16:27.802 (Applause)