1 00:00:01,976 --> 00:00:04,889 So, I'm going to talk about photosynthesis today. 2 00:00:04,913 --> 00:00:07,539 No, I'm actually not going to talk about photosynthesis, 3 00:00:07,563 --> 00:00:09,254 I'm the only non-DuPont person here 4 00:00:09,278 --> 00:00:11,625 and I thought I should try to be a little sciency. 5 00:00:11,649 --> 00:00:14,544 It's all I got -- Krebs cycle, molecules, I don't know. 6 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,712 I'm going to start by telling you about an email 7 00:00:18,736 --> 00:00:20,545 that I saw in my inbox recently. 8 00:00:20,919 --> 00:00:23,744 Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox, 9 00:00:23,768 --> 00:00:25,204 because I'm a therapist 10 00:00:25,228 --> 00:00:28,383 and I write an advice column called "Dear therapist." 11 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,140 So you can imagine what's in there. 12 00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:35,395 I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters 13 00:00:35,419 --> 00:00:37,685 from strangers all over the world. 14 00:00:38,132 --> 00:00:40,425 And these letters range from heartbreak and loss, 15 00:00:40,449 --> 00:00:42,799 to spats with parents or siblings. 16 00:00:42,823 --> 00:00:45,224 I keep them in a folder on my laptop, 17 00:00:45,248 --> 00:00:47,981 and I've named it "The problems of living." 18 00:00:48,005 --> 00:00:51,410 So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this, 19 00:00:51,434 --> 00:00:53,792 and I want to bring you into my world for a second 20 00:00:53,816 --> 00:00:56,045 and read you one of these letters. 21 00:00:56,069 --> 00:00:57,603 And here's how it goes. 22 00:01:02,275 --> 00:01:04,052 "Dear therapist, 23 00:01:04,076 --> 00:01:05,513 I've been married for 10 years 24 00:01:05,537 --> 00:01:08,219 and things were good until a couple of years ago. 25 00:01:08,243 --> 00:01:11,014 That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much, 26 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,887 and now we barely have sex at all." 27 00:01:12,911 --> 00:01:14,926 I'm sure you guys were not expecting this. 28 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:15,951 (Laughter) 29 00:01:15,975 --> 00:01:17,998 "Well, last night I discovered 30 00:01:18,022 --> 00:01:19,378 that for the past few months 31 00:01:19,402 --> 00:01:21,942 he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls 32 00:01:21,966 --> 00:01:23,569 with a woman at his office. 33 00:01:23,593 --> 00:01:26,049 I googled her and she's gorgeous. 34 00:01:26,073 --> 00:01:27,867 I can't believe this is happening. 35 00:01:27,891 --> 00:01:30,565 My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young, 36 00:01:30,589 --> 00:01:32,692 and it broke our family apart. 37 00:01:32,716 --> 00:01:35,081 Needless to say, I'm devastated. 38 00:01:35,105 --> 00:01:36,442 If I stay in this marriage, 39 00:01:36,466 --> 00:01:38,577 I'll never be able to trust my husband again. 40 00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:40,990 But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce, 41 00:01:41,014 --> 00:01:42,855 stepmom situation, etc. 42 00:01:42,879 --> 00:01:44,079 What should I do?" 43 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:49,478 Well, what do you think she should do? 44 00:01:50,304 --> 00:01:51,542 If you got this letter, 45 00:01:51,566 --> 00:01:55,034 you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is. 46 00:01:55,379 --> 00:01:58,514 Or maybe about how especially painful it is here, 47 00:01:58,538 --> 00:02:01,204 because of her experience growing up with her father. 48 00:02:01,617 --> 00:02:04,479 And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman, 49 00:02:04,503 --> 00:02:05,915 and you might even have some, 50 00:02:05,939 --> 00:02:07,383 how should I put this nicely, 51 00:02:07,407 --> 00:02:10,661 let's just call them "not so positive" feelings for her husband. 52 00:02:10,685 --> 00:02:13,641 Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too, 53 00:02:13,665 --> 00:02:15,673 when I'm reading these letters in my inbox. 54 00:02:15,697 --> 00:02:18,776 But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters, 55 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,775 because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story 56 00:02:22,799 --> 00:02:24,727 written by a specific author. 57 00:02:24,751 --> 00:02:27,799 And that another version of this story also exists. 58 00:02:27,823 --> 00:02:29,243 It always does. 59 00:02:29,743 --> 00:02:30,903 And I know this, 60 00:02:30,927 --> 00:02:33,179 because if I've learned anything as a therapist, 61 00:02:33,203 --> 00:02:36,534 it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. 62 00:02:36,883 --> 00:02:38,033 I am. 63 00:02:38,550 --> 00:02:39,700 You are. 64 00:02:40,074 --> 00:02:42,307 And so is everyone you know. 65 00:02:42,331 --> 00:02:44,291 Which I probably shouldn't have told you, 66 00:02:44,315 --> 00:02:46,799 because now you're not going to believe my TED talk. 67 00:02:46,823 --> 00:02:49,188 Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead. 68 00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:52,324 Most of what people tell me is absolutely true, 69 00:02:52,348 --> 00:02:54,609 just from their current points of view. 70 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:57,061 Depending on what they emphasize or minimize, 71 00:02:57,085 --> 00:02:58,994 what they leave in, what they leave out, 72 00:02:59,018 --> 00:03:01,034 what they see and what they want me to see, 73 00:03:01,058 --> 00:03:03,732 they tell their stories in a particular way. 74 00:03:03,756 --> 00:03:06,921 The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully, he said, 75 00:03:06,945 --> 00:03:11,104 "To tell a story is inescapably to take a moral stance." 76 00:03:11,543 --> 00:03:14,178 All of us walk around with stories about our lives. 77 00:03:14,202 --> 00:03:16,638 Why choices were made, why things went wrong, 78 00:03:16,662 --> 00:03:18,535 why we treated someone a certain way -- 79 00:03:18,559 --> 00:03:20,552 because obviously they deserved it -- 80 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,514 why someone treated us a certain way -- 81 00:03:22,538 --> 00:03:24,276 even though obviously we didn't. 82 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:27,252 Stories are the way we make sense of our lives. 83 00:03:27,276 --> 00:03:29,966 But what happens when the stories we tell 84 00:03:29,990 --> 00:03:33,513 are misleading or incomplete or just wrong? 85 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,186 Well, instead of providing clarity, 86 00:03:36,210 --> 00:03:38,068 these stories keep us stuck. 87 00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:41,314 We assume that our circumstances shape our stories. 88 00:03:41,807 --> 00:03:43,840 But what I found time and again in my work 89 00:03:43,864 --> 00:03:45,815 is that the exact opposite happens. 90 00:03:45,839 --> 00:03:49,434 The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. 91 00:03:50,566 --> 00:03:52,145 That's the danger of our stories, 92 00:03:52,169 --> 00:03:53,851 because they can really mess us up, 93 00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:55,121 but it's also their power. 94 00:03:55,145 --> 00:03:58,129 Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, 95 00:03:58,153 --> 00:04:00,208 then we can change our lives. 96 00:04:00,232 --> 00:04:02,129 And today, I want to show you how. 97 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,034 Now, I told you I'm a therapist, 98 00:04:05,058 --> 00:04:07,931 and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator. 99 00:04:07,955 --> 00:04:10,161 But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, 100 00:04:10,185 --> 00:04:12,066 and someone asks what I do, 101 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:14,214 I usually say I'm an editor. 102 00:04:14,619 --> 00:04:17,166 And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist 103 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:20,174 I always get some awkward response like, 104 00:04:20,198 --> 00:04:21,873 "Oh, a therapist. 105 00:04:21,897 --> 00:04:24,045 Are you going to psychoanalyze me?" 106 00:04:24,069 --> 00:04:25,633 And I'm thinking, A -- no, 107 00:04:25,657 --> 00:04:28,061 and B -- why would I do that here? 108 00:04:28,085 --> 00:04:29,585 If I said I was a gynecologist, 109 00:04:29,609 --> 00:04:32,252 would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam? 110 00:04:32,276 --> 00:04:34,251 (Laughter) 111 00:04:34,784 --> 00:04:37,046 But the main reason I say I'm an editor 112 00:04:37,070 --> 00:04:38,594 is because it's true. 113 00:04:38,618 --> 00:04:41,299 Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit, 114 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:44,433 but what's interesting about my specific role as "Dear Therapist," 115 00:04:44,457 --> 00:04:47,148 is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person. 116 00:04:47,172 --> 00:04:49,846 I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit, 117 00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:51,878 using one letter each week as the example. 118 00:04:51,902 --> 00:04:53,545 So I'm thinking about things like, 119 00:04:53,569 --> 00:04:55,347 what material is extraneous, 120 00:04:55,371 --> 00:04:58,617 is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles, 121 00:04:58,641 --> 00:05:01,768 are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction? 122 00:05:01,792 --> 00:05:03,925 Do the plot points reveal a theme? 123 00:05:04,276 --> 00:05:05,831 And what I've noticed 124 00:05:05,855 --> 00:05:09,855 is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes. 125 00:05:09,879 --> 00:05:11,355 The first is freedom, 126 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,156 and the second is change. 127 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,410 And when I edit, 128 00:05:14,434 --> 00:05:16,526 those are the themes that I start with. 129 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,248 So, let's take a loot at freedom for a second. 130 00:05:19,272 --> 00:05:22,026 Our stories about freedom go like this: 131 00:05:22,050 --> 00:05:23,915 We believe, in general, 132 00:05:23,939 --> 00:05:27,327 that we have an enormous amount of freedom. 133 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,974 Except when it comes to the problem at hand, 134 00:05:29,998 --> 00:05:32,498 in which case suddenly we feel like we have none. 135 00:05:32,522 --> 00:05:35,180 Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right? 136 00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:37,679 We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs, 137 00:05:37,703 --> 00:05:39,815 our relationships, our pasts. 138 00:05:40,315 --> 00:05:43,843 Sometimes we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation, 139 00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:45,756 I know you guys all know these stories. 140 00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:48,029 The "everyone's life is better than mine" story, 141 00:05:48,053 --> 00:05:49,299 courtesy of social media. 142 00:05:49,323 --> 00:05:51,895 The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story, 143 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,117 the "nothing will ever work out for me" story. 144 00:05:54,141 --> 00:05:56,678 The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer, 145 00:05:56,702 --> 00:05:58,219 that means she hates me" story. 146 00:05:58,243 --> 00:06:00,304 I see you, see, I'm not the only one. 147 00:06:01,109 --> 00:06:03,014 The woman who wrote me that letter, 148 00:06:03,038 --> 00:06:04,926 she also feels trapped. 149 00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,799 If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again, 150 00:06:07,823 --> 00:06:10,228 but if she leaves, her children will suffer. 151 00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:13,497 Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example 152 00:06:13,521 --> 00:06:16,045 of what's really going on in these stories. 153 00:06:16,069 --> 00:06:18,475 The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars, 154 00:06:18,499 --> 00:06:20,521 desperately trying to get out. 155 00:06:20,545 --> 00:06:22,736 But on the right and the left, it's open. 156 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:24,521 No bars. 157 00:06:24,545 --> 00:06:26,751 The prisoner isn't in jail. 158 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,729 That's most of us. 159 00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:30,356 We feel completely trapped, 160 00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:32,475 stuck in our emotional jail cells. 161 00:06:32,499 --> 00:06:34,618 But we don't walk around the bars to freedom, 162 00:06:34,642 --> 00:06:36,776 because we know there's a catch. 163 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,066 Freedom comes with responsibility. 164 00:06:39,379 --> 00:06:43,228 And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, 165 00:06:43,252 --> 00:06:45,371 we might just have to change. 166 00:06:45,395 --> 00:06:48,633 And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories, change. 167 00:06:48,657 --> 00:06:50,133 Those stories sound like this: 168 00:06:50,157 --> 00:06:52,363 a person says, "I want to change." 169 00:06:52,387 --> 00:06:54,354 But what they really mean is 170 00:06:54,378 --> 00:06:57,601 "I want another character in the story to change." 171 00:06:58,053 --> 00:06:59,783 Therapists describe this dilemma as, 172 00:06:59,807 --> 00:07:01,839 if the queen had balls, she'd be the king. 173 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:03,498 I mean -- 174 00:07:03,522 --> 00:07:04,522 (Laughter) 175 00:07:04,546 --> 00:07:06,450 It makes no sense, right? 176 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:09,484 Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, 177 00:07:09,508 --> 00:07:11,913 who's the hero of the story, to change? 178 00:07:11,937 --> 00:07:13,564 Well, it might be because change, 179 00:07:13,588 --> 00:07:15,318 even really positive change, 180 00:07:15,342 --> 00:07:17,934 involves a surprising amount of loss. 181 00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:19,569 Loss of the familiar. 182 00:07:19,593 --> 00:07:22,926 Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable, 183 00:07:22,950 --> 00:07:25,434 at least we know the characters and setting and plot, 184 00:07:25,458 --> 00:07:27,871 right down to the recurring dialogue in this story. 185 00:07:27,895 --> 00:07:29,213 "You never do the laundry!" 186 00:07:29,237 --> 00:07:30,450 "I did it last time!" 187 00:07:30,474 --> 00:07:31,638 "Oh, yeah? When?" 188 00:07:31,662 --> 00:07:33,393 There's something oddly comforting 189 00:07:33,417 --> 00:07:35,767 about knowing exactly how the story is going to go 190 00:07:35,791 --> 00:07:37,243 every single time. 191 00:07:37,747 --> 00:07:41,263 To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown. 192 00:07:41,287 --> 00:07:43,493 It's to stare at a blank page. 193 00:07:43,517 --> 00:07:45,080 And as any writer will tell you, 194 00:07:45,104 --> 00:07:47,675 there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page. 195 00:07:48,053 --> 00:07:49,490 But here's the thing. 196 00:07:49,514 --> 00:07:51,537 Once we edit our story, 197 00:07:51,561 --> 00:07:54,695 the next chapter becomes much easier to write. 198 00:07:55,036 --> 00:07:58,330 We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves. 199 00:07:58,354 --> 00:08:01,941 But part of getting to know yourself is to unknown yourself. 200 00:08:01,965 --> 00:08:05,553 To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself, 201 00:08:05,577 --> 00:08:07,403 so that you can live your life 202 00:08:07,427 --> 00:08:09,823 and not the story that you've been telling yourself 203 00:08:09,847 --> 00:08:10,997 about your life. 204 00:08:11,474 --> 00:08:14,310 And that's how we walk around those bars. 205 00:08:14,874 --> 00:08:16,526 So I want to go back to the letter 206 00:08:16,550 --> 00:08:18,215 from the woman about the affair. 207 00:08:18,239 --> 00:08:20,350 She asked me what she should do. 208 00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:22,823 Now, I have this word taped up in my office: 209 00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:24,831 ultracrepidarianism. 210 00:08:24,855 --> 00:08:27,037 The habit of giving advice or opinions 211 00:08:27,061 --> 00:08:29,450 outside of one's knowledge or competence. 212 00:08:29,474 --> 00:08:30,752 It's a great word, right? 213 00:08:30,776 --> 00:08:32,737 You can use it in all different contexts, 214 00:08:32,761 --> 00:08:35,172 I'm sure you will be using it after this TED talk. 215 00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:38,107 I use it, because it reminds me that as a therapist, 216 00:08:38,131 --> 00:08:40,513 I can help people to sort out what they want to do, 217 00:08:40,537 --> 00:08:43,005 but I can't make their life choices for them. 218 00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:45,950 Only you can write your story 219 00:08:45,974 --> 00:08:48,077 and all you need are some tools. 220 00:08:48,101 --> 00:08:49,392 So what I want to do, 221 00:08:49,416 --> 00:08:52,209 is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here, 222 00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:55,265 as a way to show how we can all revise our stories. 223 00:08:55,575 --> 00:08:57,749 And I want to start by asking you 224 00:08:57,773 --> 00:09:01,209 to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now, 225 00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:03,354 that might not be serving you well. 226 00:09:03,378 --> 00:09:06,442 It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing, 227 00:09:06,466 --> 00:09:08,894 it might be about a person in your life, 228 00:09:08,918 --> 00:09:10,886 it might even be about yourself. 229 00:09:11,370 --> 00:09:14,302 And I want you to look at the supporting characters. 230 00:09:14,326 --> 00:09:16,151 Who are the people who are helping you 231 00:09:16,175 --> 00:09:19,254 to uphold the wrong version of this story? 232 00:09:19,779 --> 00:09:22,192 For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter 233 00:09:22,216 --> 00:09:23,739 told her friends what happened, 234 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:26,768 they would probably offer her what's called idiot compassion. 235 00:09:26,792 --> 00:09:29,292 Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story, 236 00:09:29,316 --> 00:09:31,672 we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," 237 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,807 when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, 238 00:09:34,831 --> 00:09:37,602 even though we know this has happened several times before, 239 00:09:37,626 --> 00:09:39,642 because he doesn't really put in the effort 240 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,936 and he probably also steals office supplies. 241 00:09:42,587 --> 00:09:45,317 We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," 242 00:09:45,341 --> 00:09:48,380 when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her, 243 00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:50,610 even though we know that there are certain ways 244 00:09:50,634 --> 00:09:52,418 she tends to behave in relationships, 245 00:09:52,442 --> 00:09:55,268 like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers 246 00:09:55,292 --> 00:09:56,982 that tend to lead to this outcome. 247 00:09:57,006 --> 00:09:58,656 We see the problem, it's like, 248 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,085 if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, 249 00:10:01,109 --> 00:10:02,260 it might be you. 250 00:10:02,284 --> 00:10:04,545 (Laughter) 251 00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:06,315 In order to be good editors, 252 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,268 we need to offer wise compassion, 253 00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:10,793 not just to our friends, but to ourselves. 254 00:10:10,817 --> 00:10:13,545 This is what's called, I think the technical term might be 255 00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:16,036 delivering compassionate truth bombs. 256 00:10:16,601 --> 00:10:18,530 And these truth bombs are compassionate, 257 00:10:18,554 --> 00:10:21,433 because they help us to see what we've left out of the story. 258 00:10:21,457 --> 00:10:22,617 The truth is, 259 00:10:22,641 --> 00:10:25,363 we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair. 260 00:10:25,387 --> 00:10:28,135 Or why their sex life changed two years ago. 261 00:10:28,159 --> 00:10:31,286 Or what those late-night phone calls are really about. 262 00:10:31,310 --> 00:10:33,421 And it might be that because of her history, 263 00:10:33,445 --> 00:10:36,056 she's writing a singular story of betrayal, 264 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,982 but there's probably something else 265 00:10:38,006 --> 00:10:40,950 that she's not willing to let me, in her letter, 266 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,974 or maybe even herself, to see. 267 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,029 It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test. 268 00:10:46,053 --> 00:10:47,903 You all know what Rorschach tests are? 269 00:10:47,927 --> 00:10:50,911 A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that, 270 00:10:50,935 --> 00:10:53,421 and asks, "What do you see?" 271 00:10:53,864 --> 00:10:56,340 So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says, 272 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:59,881 "Well, I definitely don't see blood." 273 00:11:01,252 --> 00:11:02,911 And the examiner says, 274 00:11:02,935 --> 00:11:06,389 "Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see." 275 00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:09,509 In writing, this is called point of view. 276 00:11:09,533 --> 00:11:12,286 What is the narrator not willing to see? 277 00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:15,286 So, I want to read you one more letter. 278 00:11:16,374 --> 00:11:18,619 And it goes like this. 279 00:11:20,437 --> 00:11:22,080 "Dear therapist, 280 00:11:23,278 --> 00:11:25,174 I need help with my wife. 281 00:11:25,198 --> 00:11:27,102 Lately, everything I do irritates her, 282 00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:30,198 even small things, like the noise I make when I chew. 283 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:31,974 At breakfast, 284 00:11:31,998 --> 00:11:35,308 I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola 285 00:11:35,332 --> 00:11:36,611 so it won't be as crunchy. 286 00:11:36,635 --> 00:11:38,022 (Laughter) 287 00:11:38,046 --> 00:11:42,157 I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago. 288 00:11:42,181 --> 00:11:43,459 I was very close with him, 289 00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:45,371 and her father left when she was young, 290 00:11:45,395 --> 00:11:47,958 so she couldn't relate to what I was going through. 291 00:11:47,982 --> 00:11:50,815 There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago, 292 00:11:50,839 --> 00:11:52,529 and who understand my grief. 293 00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:55,641 I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend, 294 00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:58,395 but I feel like she barely tolerates me now. 295 00:11:58,419 --> 00:12:00,285 How can I get my wife back?" 296 00:12:00,895 --> 00:12:02,045 OK. 297 00:12:02,538 --> 00:12:04,903 So, what you probably picked up on 298 00:12:04,927 --> 00:12:07,855 is that this is the same story I read you earlier, 299 00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:10,450 just told from another narrator's point of view. 300 00:12:10,474 --> 00:12:12,871 Her story was about a husband who's cheating, 301 00:12:12,895 --> 00:12:16,243 his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief. 302 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:20,054 But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences, 303 00:12:20,078 --> 00:12:23,982 what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection. 304 00:12:24,402 --> 00:12:26,783 And if we can get out of the first person narration 305 00:12:26,807 --> 00:12:29,529 and write the story from another character's perspective, 306 00:12:29,553 --> 00:12:32,426 suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic 307 00:12:32,450 --> 00:12:34,251 and the plot opens up. 308 00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:37,720 That's the hardest step in the editing process, 309 00:12:37,744 --> 00:12:40,011 but it's also where change begins. 310 00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:43,903 What would happen if you looked at your story 311 00:12:43,927 --> 00:12:46,815 and wrote it from another person's point of view? 312 00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:50,704 What would you see now from this wider perspective? 313 00:12:51,585 --> 00:12:53,807 That's why when I see people who are depressed, 314 00:12:53,831 --> 00:12:54,982 I sometimes say, 315 00:12:55,006 --> 00:12:58,125 "You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now." 316 00:12:58,149 --> 00:13:01,223 Because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way. 317 00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:02,803 It narrows our perspectives. 318 00:13:02,827 --> 00:13:06,160 The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected. 319 00:13:06,184 --> 00:13:07,803 We create all kinds of stories 320 00:13:07,827 --> 00:13:09,606 distorted through a very narrow lens 321 00:13:09,630 --> 00:13:11,947 that we don't even know we're looking through. 322 00:13:12,257 --> 00:13:16,011 And then we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters. 323 00:13:17,059 --> 00:13:18,925 I have a confession to make. 324 00:13:19,575 --> 00:13:22,593 I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you. 325 00:13:22,617 --> 00:13:24,442 You have no idea how much time I spent 326 00:13:24,466 --> 00:13:26,903 debating between granola and pita chips, by the way. 327 00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:30,065 I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives 328 00:13:30,089 --> 00:13:31,533 that I've seen over the years, 329 00:13:31,557 --> 00:13:35,276 not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column. 330 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:36,537 When it's happened 331 00:13:36,561 --> 00:13:38,807 that two people involved in the same situation 332 00:13:38,831 --> 00:13:41,307 have written to me, unbeknownst to the other, 333 00:13:41,331 --> 00:13:43,323 and I have two versions of the same story 334 00:13:43,347 --> 00:13:44,680 sitting in my inbox. 335 00:13:45,123 --> 00:13:46,811 That really has happened. 336 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:50,405 I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is, 337 00:13:50,429 --> 00:13:51,898 but I do know this: 338 00:13:51,922 --> 00:13:53,255 she has to write it. 339 00:13:53,659 --> 00:13:55,704 Because with a courageous edit, 340 00:13:55,728 --> 00:13:59,530 she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me. 341 00:13:59,554 --> 00:14:02,180 Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind, 342 00:14:02,204 --> 00:14:03,934 and maybe he is, 343 00:14:03,958 --> 00:14:07,021 she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet. 344 00:14:07,673 --> 00:14:10,561 Because just by virtue of doing an edit, 345 00:14:10,585 --> 00:14:13,897 she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become. 346 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:18,409 Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck. 347 00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:21,361 And they're really invested in their stuckness. 348 00:14:21,703 --> 00:14:24,279 We call them help-rejecting complainers. 349 00:14:24,303 --> 00:14:25,977 I'm sure you know people like this. 350 00:14:26,001 --> 00:14:29,057 They are the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion, 351 00:14:29,081 --> 00:14:33,930 they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work because ..." 352 00:14:34,378 --> 00:14:37,696 "Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that." 353 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,926 "Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying." 354 00:14:41,950 --> 00:14:43,998 (Laughter) 355 00:14:44,022 --> 00:14:45,799 What they're really rejecting 356 00:14:45,823 --> 00:14:49,223 is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness. 357 00:14:49,877 --> 00:14:53,091 And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach. 358 00:14:53,115 --> 00:14:55,774 And what I do is I say something else. 359 00:14:55,798 --> 00:14:57,805 I say to them, 360 00:14:57,829 --> 00:14:59,725 "We're all going to die." 361 00:15:00,411 --> 00:15:03,180 I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now. 362 00:15:03,633 --> 00:15:04,982 Because they look back at me 363 00:15:05,006 --> 00:15:07,077 the way you're looking back at me right now 364 00:15:07,101 --> 00:15:08,760 with this look of utter confusion. 365 00:15:08,784 --> 00:15:10,879 But then I explain that there's a story 366 00:15:10,903 --> 00:15:13,680 that gets written about all of us eventually. 367 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,304 It's called an obituary. 368 00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:17,331 And I say, 369 00:15:17,355 --> 00:15:20,593 that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness, 370 00:15:20,617 --> 00:15:23,902 we get to shape these stories while we're still alive. 371 00:15:24,593 --> 00:15:27,220 We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories, 372 00:15:27,244 --> 00:15:30,140 we get to chose what goes on the page that lives in our minds 373 00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:31,831 and shapes our realities. 374 00:15:32,673 --> 00:15:36,536 I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to 375 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,242 and which ones need an edit. 376 00:15:38,266 --> 00:15:41,282 And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision, 377 00:15:41,306 --> 00:15:44,472 because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives 378 00:15:44,496 --> 00:15:46,680 than the stories we tell ourselves about them. 379 00:15:46,704 --> 00:15:50,045 I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives, 380 00:15:50,069 --> 00:15:53,950 we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize. 381 00:15:53,974 --> 00:15:56,843 Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers. 382 00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:59,220 Or at least we don't believe we are. 383 00:15:59,244 --> 00:16:01,871 But it's a role that is so easy to slip into 384 00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:05,106 when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable. 385 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:07,693 So the next time you're struggling with something, 386 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,146 remember, 387 00:16:09,170 --> 00:16:10,693 we're all going to die. 388 00:16:10,717 --> 00:16:12,146 (Laughter) 389 00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:14,678 And then pull out your editing tools, 390 00:16:14,702 --> 00:16:16,321 and ask yourself, 391 00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:19,297 what do I want my story to be? 392 00:16:20,506 --> 00:16:23,912 And then go write your masterpiece. 393 00:16:24,293 --> 00:16:25,452 Thank you. 394 00:16:25,476 --> 00:16:27,802 (Applause)