[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.51,0:00:03.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.79,0:00:07.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I tried making it at home and there's more to it than that
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.75,0:00:10.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Want some home-made Sprite?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.22,0:00:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.08,0:00:19.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like refried beans
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.53,0:00:21.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's why I want to try fried beans
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.03,0:00:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.72,0:00:30.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't have to fry them again after all
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.72,0:00:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I eat a lot of sandwiches; Who doesn't, man?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.13,0:00:34.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sandwiches are easy to eat
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.51,0:00:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I hate sandwiches at New York delis
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.76,0:00:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Too much fucking meat on the sandwich
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.36,0:00:40.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like a cow with a cracker on either side
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.51,0:00:41.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What would you like sir?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.51,0:00:42.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"A pastrami sandwich"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.51,0:00:43.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Anything else?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.51,0:00:48.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.16,0:00:50.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What kind of bread?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.53,0:00:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Rye - no, fuck, banana - you got banana bread?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.64,0:00:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What kind of cheese?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.64,0:00:55.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Cottage"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.64,0:01:01.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get the fuck out, I'm not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.42,0:01:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"That would severely ruin my reputation"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.43,0:01:09.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, man
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.98,0:01:12.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know how I get away with it
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.64,0:01:14.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.51,0:01:15.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So do I"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.51,0:01:17.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well let's form a club, then"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.15,0:01:22.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Okay, but we need some more stipulations"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.77,0:01:23.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yes we do"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.77,0:01:29.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Instead of cutting the sandwich once let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.67,0:01:33.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.90,0:01:37.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Or potato salad, okay"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.62,0:01:39.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Let me ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.76,0:01:42.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm for 'em!"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.78,0:01:46.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well this club is formed"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.68,0:01:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Spread the word on menus nationwide"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.76,0:01:53.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ill have my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.01,0:01:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well you're not in the fuckin' club!"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.96,0:02:01.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to a pizzeria I ordered a slice of pizza and the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.79,0:02:06.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.33,0:02:11.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fucker gave me the 'donated to charity' slice
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.19,0:02:16.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.80,0:02:20.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Gotta have a drink here
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.85,0:02:26.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.13,0:02:30.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause the dude didn't even get his degree
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.19,0:02:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.71,0:02:40.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.80,0:02:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well then they fucked up
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.51,0:02:49.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.33,0:02:54.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't go see Dr. Acula
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.53,0:02:57.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.05,0:02:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I'm gonna put pins in all the locations that I've traveled to.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.50,0:03:07.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.15,0:03:16.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You, know, uh, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.49,0:03:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not into sports - I mean I like Gatorade, but that's about as it goes
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.67,0:03:23.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the way you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.83,0:03:27.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can just be a thirsty dude.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.63,0:03:32.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Gatorade forgets this demographic
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.27,0:03:35.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thirsty for absolutely no reason
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.27,0:03:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.00,0:03:46.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I have a Gatorade too or does that lightning bolt mean no?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.76,0:03:47.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, I'm not into sports
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.76,0:03:52.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I had athelete's foot my first reaction would be "that's not my fucking foot"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.54,0:03:56.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.25,0:03:59.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to have my face on the cover of a Rice Crispies box
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.54,0:04:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.10,0:04:05.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hey, how the fuck did he do that?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.32,0:04:10.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.58,0:04:12.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.78,0:04:14.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They said it's a fight to the finish
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.16,0:04:18.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a good place to end
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.73,0:04:22.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.20,0:04:25.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,McDonald's commercials end like this: pricing and participation may vary
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.51,0:04:28.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.83,0:04:31.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.67,0:04:34.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll say "Cheeseburgers: nope"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.63,0:04:37.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We got spaghetti!"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.100,0:04:42.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"And blankets"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.83,0:04:49.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.92,0:04:53.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One time a guy handed me a picture and said "here's a picture of me when I was younger"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.38,0:04:59.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every picture is of you when you were younger
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.18,0:05:01.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a picture of me when I'm older
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.08,0:05:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.16,0:05:06.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me see that camera
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.48,0:05:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's it look like?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.86,0:05:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes I wave to people I don't know
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.91,0:05:14.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.86,0:05:17.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because what if they don't have a hand?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.42,0:05:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll think you're cocky
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.71,0:05:22.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Look what I got mother fucker
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.22,0:05:25.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This thing is useful
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.13,0:05:28.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna go pick something up
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.07,0:05:30.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My sister wanted to be an actress; never made it
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.42,0:05:32.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But she does live in a trailer
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.85,0:05:35.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She got halfway
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.09,0:05:38.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Says she's an actress she just called to the set
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.92,0:05:41.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.68,0:05:44.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but on a banana, it's just the opposite
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.03,0:05:46.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,green means "hold on"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.49,0:05:48.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yellow means "go ahead"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.81,0:05:52.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"