0:00:01.514,0:00:03.763
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime

0:00:03.793,0:00:07.367
but I tried making it at home and there's more to it than that

0:00:08.752,0:00:10.191
Want some home-made Sprite?

0:00:10.221,0:00:14.723
Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it

0:00:18.077,0:00:19.533
I like refried beans

0:00:19.533,0:00:21.033
that's why I want to try fried beans

0:00:21.033,0:00:24.808
'cause maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time

0:00:26.715,0:00:30.595
You don't have to fry them again after all

0:00:31.718,0:00:33.133
I eat a lot of sandwiches; Who doesn't, man?

0:00:33.133,0:00:34.508
Sandwiches are easy to eat

0:00:34.508,0:00:35.762
But I hate sandwiches at New York delis

0:00:35.762,0:00:37.355
Too much fucking meat on the sandwich

0:00:37.355,0:00:40.506
It's like a cow with a cracker on either side

0:00:40.506,0:00:41.506
"What would you like sir?"

0:00:41.506,0:00:42.506
"A pastrami sandwich"

0:00:42.506,0:00:43.506
"Anything else?"

0:00:43.506,0:00:48.225
"Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people"

0:00:49.164,0:00:50.533
"What kind of bread?"

0:00:50.533,0:00:53.641
"Rye - no, fuck, banana - you got banana bread?"

0:00:53.641,0:00:54.641
"What kind of cheese?"

0:00:54.641,0:00:55.641
"Cottage"

0:00:55.641,0:01:01.728
"Get the fuck out, I'm not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich"

0:01:02.420,0:01:05.725
"That would severely ruin my reputation"

0:01:07.433,0:01:09.977
I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, man

0:01:09.977,0:01:12.584
I don't know how I get away with it

0:01:12.645,0:01:14.510
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread"

0:01:14.510,0:01:15.510
"So do I"

0:01:15.510,0:01:17.900
"Well let's form a club, then"

0:01:21.146,0:01:22.767
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations"

0:01:22.767,0:01:23.767
"Yes we do"

0:01:23.767,0:01:29.667
"Instead of cutting the sandwich once let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles"

0:01:29.667,0:01:33.880
"And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips"

0:01:33.896,0:01:37.379
"Or potato salad, okay"

0:01:37.625,0:01:39.759
"Let me ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"

0:01:39.759,0:01:42.299
"I'm for 'em!"

0:01:43.776,0:01:46.684
"Well this club is formed"

0:01:46.684,0:01:50.748
"Spread the word on menus nationwide"

0:01:50.763,0:01:53.006
"Ill have my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts"

0:01:53.006,0:01:57.301
"Well you're not in the fuckin' club!"

0:01:57.962,0:02:01.792
I went to a pizzeria I ordered a slice of pizza and the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible

0:02:01.792,0:02:06.328
If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars

0:02:06.328,0:02:11.587
The fucker gave me the 'donated to charity' slice

0:02:12.187,0:02:16.800
I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!

0:02:16.800,0:02:20.162
Gotta have a drink here

0:02:20.854,0:02:26.133
I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica

0:02:26.133,0:02:30.525
'cause the dude didn't even get his degree

0:02:31.187,0:02:35.875
Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?

0:02:37.706,0:02:40.802
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper

0:02:40.802,0:02:45.325
Well then they fucked up

0:02:46.510,0:02:49.326
I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck

0:02:49.326,0:02:54.071
Don't go see Dr. Acula

0:02:55.533,0:02:57.031
I want to hang a map of the world in my house.

0:02:57.046,0:02:59.504
Then I'm gonna put pins in all the locations that I've traveled to.

0:02:59.504,0:03:07.535
But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

0:03:12.150,0:03:16.493
You, know, uh, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man

0:03:16.493,0:03:20.673
I'm not into sports - I mean I like Gatorade, but that's about as it goes

0:03:20.673,0:03:23.833
And by the way you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade

0:03:23.833,0:03:27.630
You can just be a thirsty dude.

0:03:27.630,0:03:32.267
Gatorade forgets this demographic

0:03:32.267,0:03:35.267
I thirsty for absolutely no reason

0:03:35.267,0:03:40.003
Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time

0:03:40.003,0:03:46.064
Can I have a Gatorade too or does that lightning bolt mean no?

0:03:46.756,0:03:47.756
Yeah, I'm not into sports

0:03:47.756,0:03:52.821
if I had athelete's foot my first reaction would be "that's not my fucking foot"

0:03:53.544,0:03:56.254
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box

0:03:56.254,0:03:59.536
I want to have my face on the cover of a Rice Crispies box

0:03:59.536,0:04:03.101
Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop

0:04:03.101,0:04:05.315
Hey, how the fuck did he do that?

0:04:05.315,0:04:10.575
Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle

0:04:10.575,0:04:12.782
I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match

0:04:12.782,0:04:14.157
They said it's a fight to the finish

0:04:14.157,0:04:18.565
That's a good place to end

0:04:19.734,0:04:22.200
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right?

0:04:22.200,0:04:25.509
McDonald's commercials end like this: pricing and participation may vary

0:04:25.509,0:04:28.833
I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything

0:04:28.833,0:04:31.673
I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner

0:04:31.673,0:04:34.633
I'll say "Cheeseburgers: nope"

0:04:34.633,0:04:37.995
"We got spaghetti!"

0:04:37.995,0:04:42.571
"And blankets"

0:04:43.833,0:04:49.500
"But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children"

0:04:49.915,0:04:53.377
One time a guy handed me a picture and said "here's a picture of me when I was younger"

0:04:53.377,0:04:59.180
Every picture is of you when you were younger

0:04:59.180,0:05:01.085
Here's a picture of me when I'm older

0:05:01.085,0:05:04.164
You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off?

0:05:04.164,0:05:06.480
Let me see that camera

0:05:06.480,0:05:10.153
What's it look like?

0:05:10.861,0:05:12.908
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know

0:05:12.908,0:05:14.842
Very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know

0:05:14.858,0:05:17.417
Because what if they don't have a hand?

0:05:17.417,0:05:19.711
They'll think you're cocky

0:05:19.711,0:05:22.221
Look what I got mother fucker

0:05:22.221,0:05:25.133
This thing is useful

0:05:25.133,0:05:28.067
I'm gonna go pick something up

0:05:28.067,0:05:30.420
My sister wanted to be an actress; never made it

0:05:30.420,0:05:32.852
But she does live in a trailer

0:05:32.852,0:05:35.092
She got halfway

0:05:35.092,0:05:38.918
Says she's an actress she just called to the set

0:05:38.918,0:05:41.682
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield

0:05:41.682,0:05:44.033
but on a banana, it's just the opposite

0:05:44.033,0:05:46.488
green means "hold on"

0:05:46.488,0:05:48.813
yellow means "go ahead"

0:05:48.813,0:05:52.951
And red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"