They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime
but I tried making it at home and there's more to it than that
Want some home-made Sprite?
Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it
I like refried beans
that's why I want to try fried beans
'cause maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time
You don't have to fry them again after all
I eat a lot of sandwiches; Who doesn't, man?
Sandwiches are easy to eat
But I hate sandwiches at New York delis
Too much fucking meat on the sandwich
It's like a cow with a cracker on either side
"What would you like sir?"
"A pastrami sandwich"
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people"
"What kind of bread?"
"Rye - no, fuck, banana - you got banana bread?"
"What kind of cheese?"
"Cottage"
"Get the fuck out, I'm not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich"
"That would severely ruin my reputation"
I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, man
I don't know how I get away with it
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread"
"So do I"
"Well let's form a club, then"
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations"
"Yes we do"
"Instead of cutting the sandwich once let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles"
"And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips"
"Or potato salad, okay"
"Let me ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed"
"Spread the word on menus nationwide"
"Ill have my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts"
"Well you're not in the fuckin' club!"
I went to a pizzeria I ordered a slice of pizza and the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible
If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars
The fucker gave me the 'donated to charity' slice
I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
Gotta have a drink here
I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica
'cause the dude didn't even get his degree
Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper
Well then they fucked up
I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck
Don't go see Dr. Acula
I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm gonna put pins in all the locations that I've traveled to.
But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
You, know, uh, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man
I'm not into sports - I mean I like Gatorade, but that's about as it goes
And by the way you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade
You can just be a thirsty dude.
Gatorade forgets this demographic
I thirsty for absolutely no reason
Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time
Can I have a Gatorade too or does that lightning bolt mean no?
Yeah, I'm not into sports
if I had athelete's foot my first reaction would be "that's not my fucking foot"
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box
I want to have my face on the cover of a Rice Crispies box
Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop
Hey, how the fuck did he do that?
Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle
I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match
They said it's a fight to the finish
That's a good place to end
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right?
McDonald's commercials end like this: pricing and participation may vary
I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything
I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner
I'll say "Cheeseburgers: nope"
"We got spaghetti!"
"And blankets"
"But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children"
One time a guy handed me a picture and said "here's a picture of me when I was younger"
Every picture is of you when you were younger
Here's a picture of me when I'm older
You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off?
Let me see that camera
What's it look like?
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know
Very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know
Because what if they don't have a hand?
They'll think you're cocky
Look what I got mother fucker
This thing is useful
I'm gonna go pick something up
My sister wanted to be an actress; never made it
But she does live in a trailer
She got halfway
Says she's an actress she just called to the set
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield
but on a banana, it's just the opposite
green means "hold on"
yellow means "go ahead"
And red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"