0:00:17.695,0:00:20.073
So I caught up with a friend[br]of mine the other day.

0:00:20.073,0:00:21.073
I love her.

0:00:21.073,0:00:23.417
She's smart, she's brilliant, [br]she's talented.

0:00:23.717,0:00:27.601
And after we grabbed our coffees[br]and we did the usual warm-up chitchat,

0:00:27.839,0:00:29.326
Shannon looked at me and said,

0:00:29.326,0:00:31.344
"Michael, you're a good guy.

0:00:31.626,0:00:33.156
I need your help.

0:00:33.267,0:00:35.867
I need your advice."

0:00:37.269,0:00:39.818
And my Monster was delighted.

0:00:39.899,0:00:41.003
(Laughter)

0:00:41.858,0:00:44.368
She started telling me what was going on,

0:00:44.368,0:00:48.925
and I started to pretend to listen,

0:00:48.925,0:00:49.961
because quite frankly

0:00:49.961,0:00:53.071
my Advice Monster already knew exactly[br]what it wanted to tell her.

0:00:53.071,0:00:54.090
(Laughter)

0:00:54.090,0:00:58.240
But I'm pretty good[br]at the fake active listening.

0:00:58.393,0:01:00.603
You know, you tip your head on the side,

0:01:00.743,0:01:04.937
you nod, you look engaged,[br]yet caring, yet concerned,

0:01:04.993,0:01:07.406
small, meaningless words of encouragement,

0:01:07.513,0:01:11.512
"Mm-hm. Yeah, sure. Mm, yeah, right.[br]Oh, you go, girlfriend."

0:01:11.527,0:01:12.977
and "Exactly."

0:01:13.237,0:01:15.180
But honestly my Advice Monster's like,

0:01:15.180,0:01:17.094
"Could we just hurry this up, please?

0:01:17.094,0:01:18.490
'Cause time is short."

0:01:19.346,0:01:22.175
Finally, Shannon finished,

0:01:22.175,0:01:25.795
so finally, I was able[br]to share my brilliant advice.

0:01:25.875,0:01:29.696
And make no mistake, it was brilliant.

0:01:30.780,0:01:34.396
Shannon tipped her head on the side,

0:01:34.836,0:01:37.346
looked engaged, yet caring, yet concerned.

0:01:37.346,0:01:38.368
(Laughter)

0:01:38.368,0:01:41.468
Started nodding, making small,[br]meaningless words of encouragement,

0:01:41.468,0:01:44.723
"Mm-hm. Yeah, maybe. OK. Yeah. Nice idea."

0:01:45.479,0:01:48.949
Honestly, my advice, my help[br]was going nowhere.

0:01:49.027,0:01:54.627
My Advice Monster had sabotaged[br]the conversation - again!

0:01:55.492,0:01:57.912
Now, this isn't just a Michael thing.

0:01:57.912,0:02:00.111
It's not even a mansplaining thing.

0:02:00.221,0:02:03.760
You! All of you![br]You know your Advice Monster.

0:02:03.851,0:02:06.071
Somebody starts telling you[br]about something.

0:02:06.126,0:02:09.867
You don't really know the situation,[br]you don't really know the people involved,

0:02:09.867,0:02:11.887
you certainly don't have the full context,

0:02:11.887,0:02:14.725
you definitely don't have[br]the technical specifications,

0:02:14.875,0:02:17.449
and after about 10 seconds,[br]your Advice Monster's like,

0:02:17.449,0:02:20.931
"Oh! I've got something to say here!"

0:02:20.983,0:02:22.443
(Laughter)

0:02:22.774,0:02:27.633
You know, research tells us[br]that medical doctors' Advice Monsters

0:02:27.633,0:02:31.591
tend to interrupt their patients[br]after about 11 seconds.

0:02:31.661,0:02:33.485
But that's not really a medical thing,

0:02:33.485,0:02:35.022
it's a human thing.

0:02:35.903,0:02:37.954
Now, I can see some of you[br]are looking at me

0:02:37.954,0:02:41.066
and you're thinking to yourself,[br]"Michael, it's true.

0:02:41.545,0:02:43.642
Other people's Advice Monsters?

0:02:43.962,0:02:46.852
Very annoying, really pretty irritating.

0:02:46.852,0:02:48.142
(Laughter)

0:02:48.142,0:02:52.892
But my advice? My advice[br]is honestly pretty fantastic!

0:02:53.289,0:02:55.480
And what's wrong with advice anyway?"

0:02:55.740,0:02:58.750
Well, look, there is nothing[br]wrong with advice.

0:02:58.750,0:03:00.883
Advice is a key part of civilization.

0:03:00.883,0:03:05.895
I mean TED, TEDx,[br]it is one large forum for advice.

0:03:05.895,0:03:08.035
The problem isn't with advice.

0:03:08.302,0:03:12.887
The problem is when giving advice[br]becomes our default response.

0:03:13.170,0:03:16.124
And we all have this ingrained[br]way of behaving.

0:03:16.194,0:03:18.072
For most of us, it's become a habit.

0:03:18.072,0:03:20.372
It's become an advice-giving habit.

0:03:20.612,0:03:21.612
Or -

0:03:24.304,0:03:26.512
"Agh!" for short.

0:03:27.274,0:03:30.254
(Laughter)

0:03:30.598,0:03:34.312
And it turns out there are three ways[br]that advice-giving goes bad.

0:03:34.312,0:03:36.038
The first two are kind of connected.

0:03:36.098,0:03:38.248
Here's the first challenge[br]with advice-giving:

0:03:38.468,0:03:42.178
you're busy solving the wrong problem.

0:03:42.535,0:03:43.839
This happens all the time.

0:03:43.839,0:03:45.185
We get seduced into thinking

0:03:45.185,0:03:48.212
that the first challenge that shows up[br]is the real challenge.

0:03:48.212,0:03:49.759
It almost never is.

0:03:49.759,0:03:53.098
It's people's best guess;[br]it's their first hypothesis;

0:03:53.098,0:03:54.801
it's a stab in the dark.

0:03:54.891,0:03:56.003
But it's really rare

0:03:56.003,0:03:59.153
that the first challenge[br]is the real challenge.

0:04:00.343,0:04:02.344
But let's just say[br]for the sake of argument

0:04:02.344,0:04:03.770
that somehow miraculously

0:04:03.780,0:04:06.730
you are finding and working[br]on the real challenge.

0:04:06.890,0:04:09.710
Here's the second issue[br]with advice-giving:

0:04:10.352,0:04:14.419
your advice is not nearly as good[br]as you think it is.

0:04:14.509,0:04:15.669
(Laughter)

0:04:15.889,0:04:17.561
And if you're thinking to yourself,

0:04:17.561,0:04:21.699
"Oh no, Michael, no, no,[br]my advice is magnificent."

0:04:22.477,0:04:26.577
Well, I'd encourage you to go watch[br]all those TED videos on cognitive biases

0:04:26.577,0:04:30.029
that will explain just how bad[br]your advice normally is,

0:04:30.739,0:04:34.338
particularly if you think[br]you give good advice.

0:04:35.829,0:04:39.029
But with those first two[br]are just you kind of wasting people's time

0:04:39.029,0:04:41.069
and life and resources and money.

0:04:41.069,0:04:42.811
So you know, no big deal.

0:04:42.881,0:04:45.499
(Laughter)

0:04:45.541,0:04:50.389
The third issue about giving advice[br]cuts a little deeper and cuts both ways.

0:04:50.542,0:04:53.801
If you are on the receiving end of advice,

0:04:54.001,0:04:56.860
if you're on the receiving end[br]of somebody's Advice Monster,

0:04:56.860,0:04:58.628
you're constantly getting the message

0:04:58.628,0:05:01.147
that you can't figure this out yourself.

0:05:01.480,0:05:03.660
And that cuts away[br]at your sense of competence

0:05:03.660,0:05:06.870
and your confidence,[br]and your sense of autonomy.

0:05:07.440,0:05:09.880
And if you're on the other side [br]of the equation,

0:05:09.880,0:05:11.381
if you have an Advice Monster -

0:05:11.731,0:05:15.254
and if I can be clear,[br]you all have an Advice Monster -

0:05:16.021,0:05:18.937
well, forget about the fact[br]that you're disempowering people.

0:05:18.937,0:05:19.957
Forget about the fact

0:05:19.957,0:05:22.587
that you're a bottleneck[br]to everybody around you,

0:05:22.967,0:05:26.824
just that added responsibility[br]of having to have all the answers,

0:05:26.824,0:05:29.904
and to save the person[br]and to save the day,

0:05:29.904,0:05:33.504
it's exhausting, and it's frustrating,[br]and it's overwhelming.

0:05:34.647,0:05:38.577
Now, I can see you looking at me[br]and going "Yeah, Michael, point well made.

0:05:38.577,0:05:41.866
We get this. I get it.[br]I understand, fair enough."

0:05:41.970,0:05:44.346
And I know you do get it.[br]It's straight-forward.

0:05:44.346,0:05:46.810
You get this, in theory.

0:05:47.254,0:05:49.614
In practice, this is still [br]how you're showing up

0:05:49.614,0:05:51.231
on an everyday basis.

0:05:51.644,0:05:52.671
That.

0:05:52.750,0:05:54.290
(Laughter)

0:05:54.977,0:05:56.588
So what's going on with that?

0:05:56.588,0:05:58.480
Well, it's your Advice Monster.

0:05:58.580,0:06:01.736
You keep feeding it and it is insatiable.

0:06:02.138,0:06:03.508
Somebody starts talking,

0:06:03.658,0:06:06.390
and your Advice Monster[br]looms up out of the dark and goes,

0:06:06.390,0:06:10.884
"Oh, I'm going to add some value[br]to this conversation! Yes, I am!

0:06:11.108,0:06:12.711
Here I go."

0:06:12.763,0:06:14.453
(Laughter)

0:06:15.113,0:06:17.783
You have to learn to tame[br]your Advice Monster.

0:06:18.010,0:06:20.692
And to tame it, you have to understand it.

0:06:20.948,0:06:24.085
And it turns out your Advice Monster[br]has three different personas,

0:06:24.085,0:06:27.614
and if you listen up, you'll hear the one[br]that resonates most for you.

0:06:28.241,0:06:31.435
The first persona[br]of the Advice Monster is "tell it."

0:06:31.435,0:06:32.528
Tell it.

0:06:32.528,0:06:34.118
It's the loudest of the three.

0:06:34.118,0:06:38.729
It has convinced you[br]that the only way that you add value

0:06:38.729,0:06:40.289
is to have the answers.

0:06:40.459,0:06:41.974
To have all the answers.

0:06:41.974,0:06:44.336
To have all the answers to all the things.

0:06:44.336,0:06:46.250
If you don't have all the answers,

0:06:46.680,0:06:48.960
then you fail.

0:06:49.104,0:06:50.874
Anybody kind of know this one?

0:06:50.874,0:06:52.284
Yeah, I thought as much.

0:06:53.576,0:06:55.986
The second Advice Monster,[br]a little more subtle,

0:06:56.336,0:06:57.896
is called "save it."

0:06:58.036,0:07:00.288
"Save it" has put its arm[br]around you and gone,

0:07:00.420,0:07:04.425
"Your job, your only job[br]is to rescue everybody.

0:07:04.666,0:07:08.506
Don't let anybody stumble,[br]struggle, have a difficult time.

0:07:08.506,0:07:09.747
Don't let anybody fail.

0:07:09.747,0:07:12.957
If anybody struggles at all, you fail."

0:07:13.680,0:07:14.790
Anybody know this one?

0:07:14.790,0:07:16.616
Any parents in the room, for instance?

0:07:16.616,0:07:17.702
Exactly.

0:07:18.160,0:07:22.000
The third of the Advice Monsters,[br]the sneakiest of the three,

0:07:22.216,0:07:23.891
is "control it."

0:07:24.080,0:07:26.990
"Control it" has convinced you[br]that the only way you win

0:07:27.190,0:07:29.744
is to maintain control at all times.

0:07:29.874,0:07:31.883
Don't let go the grip of anything.

0:07:32.083,0:07:35.094
If anybody else takes over control,[br]even a little bit,

0:07:35.154,0:07:37.693
then you and they will definitely fail.

0:07:38.243,0:07:39.830
Anybody know "control it?"

0:07:39.830,0:07:42.196
That's my favorite one personally.

0:07:42.546,0:07:46.708
And in fact, there's something[br]that connects all three of these personas.

0:07:46.949,0:07:48.422
And this is an important point:

0:07:48.422,0:07:52.393
in that singular moment,[br]when your Advice Monster is in control,

0:07:52.641,0:07:57.036
you are saying that you are better[br]than the other person.

0:07:57.386,0:07:59.201
You are better than the other person.

0:07:59.564,0:08:01.518
You're saying that they're not up to it.

0:08:01.518,0:08:03.330
You're saying they're not good enough.

0:08:03.330,0:08:04.404
You're saying

0:08:05.124,0:08:07.018
they're not smart enough, wise enough,

0:08:07.018,0:08:10.187
fast enough, moral enough,[br]experienced enough.

0:08:10.297,0:08:13.540
You're basically saying[br]that they're not good enough.

0:08:14.439,0:08:18.414
But it's not only the other person[br]that is diminished in this moment

0:08:18.414,0:08:20.745
when your Advice Monster is in control.

0:08:21.114,0:08:22.744
You're diminished as well.

0:08:23.267,0:08:25.941
Because when your Advice[br]Monster is in control,

0:08:25.941,0:08:28.731
you lose that connection to your humanity.

0:08:29.182,0:08:31.712
You lose that connection to your empathy

0:08:31.771,0:08:34.871
and your compassion [br]and your sense of vulnerability.

0:08:35.134,0:08:39.043
You start using[br]your answers as your armor.

0:08:40.892,0:08:44.425
Now, I was going to give you a quick talk[br]about the power of empathy

0:08:44.425,0:08:46.383
and compassion and vulnerability,

0:08:46.383,0:08:48.078
and then I thought to myself:

0:08:48.668,0:08:50.360
Brené Brown

0:08:52.270,0:08:53.883
or the Dalai Lama

0:08:54.125,0:08:55.619
or Jesus.

0:08:55.619,0:08:58.215
OK, I think this ground's been[br]pretty much covered.

0:08:58.280,0:08:59.280
So -

0:08:59.280,0:09:01.015
(Laughter)

0:09:01.025,0:09:03.825
Rather than that,[br]let me give you a quick primer

0:09:03.825,0:09:07.160
on how you might go about[br]taming your Advice Monster.

0:09:07.545,0:09:10.275
And what you're looking to do[br]is replace an old habit,

0:09:10.275,0:09:13.388
the advice-giving habit, with a new habit:

0:09:13.538,0:09:16.355
Can you stay curious a little bit longer?

0:09:16.674,0:09:18.974
It's as simple and as difficult as that.

0:09:18.974,0:09:21.924
Can you stay curious a little bit longer?

0:09:21.924,0:09:23.407
How do you stay curious?

0:09:23.847,0:09:27.286
Well, questions[br]are the kindling of curiosity.

0:09:27.286,0:09:31.211
They're the light that holds back[br]the darkness of the Advice Monster.

0:09:31.890,0:09:33.940
So let me share with you[br]the three questions

0:09:33.940,0:09:36.987
I wish I'd asked Shannon[br]when we were in that café together.

0:09:37.040,0:09:38.549
The first question is this:

0:09:38.692,0:09:41.600
What's the real challenge here for you?

0:09:41.637,0:09:43.549
What's the real challenge here for you?

0:09:43.549,0:09:45.115
It's the focus question.

0:09:45.135,0:09:48.250
It recognizes that at the start[br]of a conversation

0:09:48.397,0:09:50.702
neither of you really know[br]what's going on.

0:09:50.702,0:09:53.030
You just both think you do.

0:09:53.985,0:09:57.393
So not only does "What's the real[br]challenge here for you?"

0:09:57.640,0:09:59.800
keep your Advice Monster at bay,

0:10:00.380,0:10:02.891
it repositions you to say,

0:10:02.891,0:10:05.380
"The most important thing [br]I can be doing here

0:10:05.520,0:10:08.910
is to help you find[br]the really important issue,"

0:10:09.117,0:10:12.490
not to provide the fast wrong answer,

0:10:12.490,0:10:14.370
which is what happens right now.

0:10:15.851,0:10:19.691
The second question that I wish[br]I'd asked Shannon is: And what else?

0:10:19.691,0:10:20.940
And what else?

0:10:20.940,0:10:23.265
So the acronym is A-W-E.

0:10:23.265,0:10:26.069
It's literally an awesome question.

0:10:27.113,0:10:29.623
And "And what else?" has it as the insight

0:10:29.747,0:10:33.072
that the first answer they give you[br]is never their only answer,

0:10:33.072,0:10:35.590
and it's rarely their best answer.

0:10:35.778,0:10:37.730
So when you ask, "And what else?"

0:10:37.730,0:10:40.105
not only does it tame your Advice Monster,

0:10:40.145,0:10:44.580
but it helps you go deeper and further[br]on any question that you ask.

0:10:45.983,0:10:49.429
Before I give you the third question,[br]which I think you're going to like,

0:10:49.429,0:10:52.510
let me just show you how[br]these two can play really well together.

0:10:52.510,0:10:54.994
We're going to do something live,[br]right here with us.

0:10:54.994,0:10:56.563
So here is what I want you to do:

0:10:56.563,0:10:59.425
think of a real challenge [br]that's going on for you right now.

0:10:59.425,0:11:00.917
It can be big; it can be small;

0:11:00.917,0:11:03.094
it can be about life;[br]it can be about work;

0:11:03.094,0:11:05.825
it can be about a project;[br]it can be a person.

0:11:05.995,0:11:07.426
I don't mind what it is.

0:11:07.495,0:11:08.809
Take your best guess.

0:11:08.929,0:11:11.470
This is a real thing,[br]so actually, think of something.

0:11:11.470,0:11:14.496
You can write it down if you want[br]or just keep it in your head.

0:11:15.364,0:11:17.687
And now you've got that challenge in mind,

0:11:17.787,0:11:19.426
I'm going to ask you a question.

0:11:19.656,0:11:20.766
Here it is.

0:11:20.986,0:11:22.726
Thinking of that challenge,

0:11:23.346,0:11:26.840
what's the real challenge here for you?

0:11:26.890,0:11:29.170
What's the real challenge here for you?

0:11:29.766,0:11:32.096
Yeah, I can see people working.

0:11:32.096,0:11:33.569
I can hear brains ticking over.

0:11:33.569,0:11:34.719
This is great.

0:11:34.849,0:11:37.239
Stuff's opening up for you[br]as you think about that.

0:11:37.239,0:11:40.459
You are like, "OK, I think[br]I've got the real challenge here for me."

0:11:40.459,0:11:41.479
That's nice.

0:11:41.479,0:11:42.706
But we're not done yet.

0:11:42.986,0:11:44.786
Let me ask you another question:

0:11:45.649,0:11:46.819
And what else?

0:11:46.819,0:11:49.537
What else is a real[br]challenge here for you?

0:11:49.537,0:11:51.549
Because I know there's more[br]than one thing.

0:11:51.549,0:11:54.518
So what else? What else[br]is a real challenge here for you?

0:11:54.929,0:11:56.517
Just notice how that's popping up

0:11:56.517,0:11:58.589
and how stuff is opening up for you,

0:11:58.589,0:11:59.769
which is lovely.

0:12:00.349,0:12:02.169
But, of course, we're not done yet.

0:12:02.559,0:12:04.496
I have another question for you:

0:12:05.365,0:12:08.798
What else? What else[br]is a real challenge here for you?

0:12:08.829,0:12:11.239
Because there's still more[br]to be unpacked here.

0:12:11.279,0:12:14.659
Some of you are like, "This is amazing![br]I didn't know this was all here.

0:12:14.659,0:12:16.137
Where is this all coming from?"

0:12:16.137,0:12:17.167
Right.

0:12:17.927,0:12:20.267
I've got one final question for you.

0:12:20.479,0:12:22.863
I'm going to step[br]to the edge of the red spot here,

0:12:22.863,0:12:24.423
just to make it really dramatic.

0:12:24.459,0:12:26.449
(Laughter)

0:12:26.605,0:12:28.505
Now that you've considered all of that,

0:12:28.505,0:12:30.389
and you've done some thinking,

0:12:33.689,0:12:36.434
"What's the real challenge here for you?"

0:12:36.434,0:12:37.534
(Laughter)

0:12:37.534,0:12:38.892
Exactly, your head explodes.

0:12:38.892,0:12:41.242
You are like, "Oh my god.[br]What's happened here?"

0:12:41.372,0:12:43.296
And for some of you, you're like, "Wow!"

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This is really in a minute or less

0:12:45.226,0:12:47.456
just opened up a new way of seeing this.

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But actually, here's a really[br]key part of this.

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You'll notice that your answer[br]to the first "What's the real challenge?"

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and your answer[br]to the final one was different.

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And why that matters is if I've been busy[br]trying to solve that first challenge,

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I'd be offering up[br]my slightly crappy advice

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to solve the wrong problem.

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And honestly, that's[br]what's happening all the time.

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The third question that I wish[br]I'd asked Shannon back in that café,

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it's a difficult question[br]but it's so powerful.

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The question is: What do you want?

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What do you want?

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Because when you get clear[br]on what you want,

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it becomes the foundation for action.

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It becomes the foundation for progress.

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When you know what you want,

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you get to step towards[br]that autonomy and that competence

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and that confidence[br]that we were talking about before.

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And when that happens your Advice Monster[br]really has not much chance.

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So that's the challenge in front of us:

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to replace an old habit,[br]the advice-giving habit,

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with a brand-new habit:[br]staying curious a little bit longer.

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Because when you do that,[br]you begin to empower people,

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not by giving them the answer

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but by helping them find their own answer.

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Not by rescuing them,

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but by helping them find their own path.

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Not by holding onto control on everything

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but by giving up some control

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and inviting others to step in[br]and to step up.

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And all of that becomes possible[br]when you tame your Advice Monster.

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Thank you.

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(Cheering) (Applause)