0:00:00.000,0:00:03.010 I really, really, really, [br]really hate myself. 0:00:03.010,0:00:06.920 You know, you can feel [br]so unbelievably lost and horrible 0:00:06.920,0:00:09.550 and like you're nothing[br]and you're invisible 0:00:09.550,0:00:12.830 and... [br]for no reason at all. 0:00:12.830,0:00:15.166 Which is almost worse [br]than having a reason. 0:00:15.166,0:00:16.830 It's the way that[br]my brain works. 0:00:16.830,0:00:19.568 And it's like, you know, [br]"Billie, what's wrong?" 0:00:19.568,0:00:20.568 "I don't fucking know." 0:00:20.568,0:00:21.910 Like, "Me, that's what." 0:00:21.910,0:00:22.910 It's like, "Who hurt you?" 0:00:22.920,0:00:24.580 I'm like… 0:00:31.500,0:00:32.820 I have a song called "COPYCAT." 0:00:32.820,0:00:34.020 You all know that already. 0:00:34.020,0:00:39.300 "COPYCAT" is basically about someone doing[br]fucking everything you do. 0:00:39.309,0:00:44.269 The idea of "idontwannabeyouanymore"[br]was sort of exactly the opposite. 0:00:44.269,0:00:47.809 So "COPYCAT" is like, [br]"You wanna be me so bad." 0:00:47.809,0:00:51.100 "I'm the shit, but really no, I'm not." 0:00:51.100,0:00:57.699 It's like, "You wanna be me,"[br]I look over at the mirror, over here. 0:00:57.720,0:00:59.588 "I don't wanna be you." 0:01:07.780,0:01:13.628 It's so annoying to feel like this[br]all the time, all the time. 0:01:14.500,0:01:18.020 And it's like, If someone is like,[br]"Oh God, you fall apart so much." 0:01:18.080,0:01:19.960 "You're so annoying. [br]You're always fucking sad." 0:01:20.080,0:01:21.320 I'm like, "I know." 0:01:21.320,0:01:23.610 I have to be in this bitch all the time. 0:01:23.610,0:01:26.300 I'm aware of how annoying it is. 0:01:41.049,0:01:43.440 You know, as many people[br]can try to help me 0:01:43.440,0:01:49.420 and talk to me and whatever[br]but it doesn't change anything. 0:01:49.420,0:01:53.800 The only person that can change the way that[br]I feel is me, and that's not gon’ happen. 0:01:53.800,0:01:57.390 I don't feel comfortable telling you why I[br]feel like that. 0:01:57.390,0:02:00.750 I just feel like if I say it out loud ... It's[br]the same with people. 0:02:00.750,0:02:06.580 I feel like when I was younger if I liked[br]a boy or whatever I wouldn't tell anybody 0:02:06.580,0:02:12.379 because if I told them then it would make[br]it true and something would have to go wrong. 0:02:12.379,0:02:13.760 That's just how it has been always. 0:02:13.760,0:02:18.069 So it's like if I say, "Hey, I really need[br]help." 0:02:18.069,0:02:20.120 "I really need help, I'm not okay." 0:02:20.680,0:02:28.080 "I need someone," which is what's going on[br]in my head, it's not gonna do anything but 0:02:28.280,0:02:34.080 make me more aware of it and make me wanna[br]drown in a pit of lava even more. 0:02:51.240,0:02:57.120 I just think models are maybe the saddest[br]people in the world. 0:02:57.129,0:02:59.700 Their job is always being looked at. 0:02:59.700,0:03:00.700 That's their job. 0:03:00.700,0:03:03.540 My brother actually came up with the idea[br]for that line. 0:03:03.540,0:03:07.680 It was really interesting to me because I[br]took it in so many different ways. 0:03:07.680,0:03:09.680 Models are the people that everyone look up[br]to. 0:03:09.680,0:03:12.060 Models are known to be, “These are your[br]role models." 0:03:12.060,0:03:13.060 This is your standard. 0:03:13.060,0:03:17.191 You have to look like this and be like this[br]and do this and this and this. 0:03:17.191,0:03:21.730 That's been known forever and it changes all[br]the time, but if it keeps changing why does 0:03:21.730,0:03:22.900 it have to be there at all? 0:03:58.999,0:04:04.209 I've never said anything that I meant more[br]than that. 0:04:04.209,0:04:06.000 You are always you. 0:04:06.000,0:04:07.000 Forever. 0:04:07.140,0:04:08.720 That's terrifying. 0:04:09.140,0:04:12.300 That line is actually my favorite line I've[br]ever written in my life. 0:04:29.480,0:04:34.460 When I was younger we used to have these things[br]called Homeschool Fridays where every Friday[br]all my homeschooled friends would come over[br]and we'd do a craft and we'd play outside. 0:04:38.370,0:04:39.580 It was so fun. 0:04:39.580,0:04:41.360 Oh my God, it was so fun. 0:04:41.360,0:04:43.760 But we used to make candles. 0:04:43.770,0:04:49.620 So basically you take whatever you want the[br]shape to be and you put it inside this thing 0:04:49.639,0:04:54.009 and you pour this weird goo in it and then[br]you freeze it or leave it out or whatever 0:04:54.009,0:04:56.560 until it hardens and then you take the mold[br]out and everything. 0:04:56.560,0:04:59.739 Then you'd have this thing with this hole. 0:05:00.380,0:05:02.800 It looked like a flashlight, low key. 0:05:02.880,0:05:05.020 Oh my God! 0:05:05.180,0:05:09.980 Then you'd pour the candle in it, the candle[br]wax I guess and then you'd let that dry and 0:05:09.980,0:05:14.520 then eventually you'd break the mold in half[br]and you'd have a candle with exactly the shape[br]that the mold was. 0:05:16.520,0:05:19.920 But sometimes the mold would break. 0:05:20.440,0:05:26.210 That line is basically like, there's all these[br]perfect people. Nobody is perfect 0:05:26.210,0:05:29.215 but perfect people around me. 0:05:29.369,0:05:31.830 It's like, "Well what's wrong with me?” 0:05:39.018,0:05:42.300 We've made every mistake together.[br]Me and my bitch Billie. 0:05:42.300,0:05:43.410 She's my ho. 0:05:43.410,0:05:47.169 She makes all these mistakes but I help her[br]out with every single one. 0:05:47.244,0:05:48.244 We make them together. 0:05:48.320,0:05:49.500 We're a team. 0:05:49.500,0:05:51.100 But I hate her. 0:05:51.300,0:05:52.339 Ugh! 0:05:59.530,0:06:03.400 I will never know what you're thinking right[br]now, ever. 0:06:04.270,0:06:05.270 Even if you tell me I still don't know[br]because you could be lying. 0:06:06.140,0:06:08.340 "Only you know[br]the way that I break." 0:06:08.620,0:06:12.200 No matter how many times[br]I tell people, "It's this." 0:06:12.200,0:06:14.300 "It's that. It's nothing." 0:06:14.800,0:06:17.420 It's something and it's up here.