WEBVTT

00:00:01.883 --> 00:00:04.883
Robin Williams
Weapons of Self Destruction
Original Air Date on Decemer 6, 2009

00:00:04.884 --> 00:00:06.947
<i>( audience cheering,
applauding )</i>

00:00:06.981 --> 00:00:09.484
<i>( rock music playing )</i>

00:00:09.485 --> 00:00:13.485
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for addic7ed.Com --

00:00:15.922 --> 00:00:17.390
<i>Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

00:00:17.424 --> 00:00:20.358
<i>Please welcome
Robin Williams!</i>

00:00:20.393 --> 00:00:22.024
( cheering )

00:00:32.366 --> 00:00:34.071
No!

00:00:34.105 --> 00:00:36.674
Please.

00:00:40.212 --> 00:00:42.010
Sit down!

00:00:42.044 --> 00:00:43.678
Thank you!

00:00:44.646 --> 00:00:46.113
Thank you!

00:00:46.148 --> 00:00:48.281
What's up, D.C.?

00:00:50.051 --> 00:00:52.652
Yes, indeed!
Yes, indeed!

00:00:52.686 --> 00:00:54.454
<i>( cheering, hooting )</i>

00:00:54.488 --> 00:00:56.690
Wow, thank you.

00:00:59.126 --> 00:01:00.660
Mmm.

00:01:00.694 --> 00:01:03.229
Thank you. Please,
I've had heart surgery.

00:01:03.263 --> 00:01:06.031
Thank you.

00:01:06.065 --> 00:01:08.933
It's nice to be in Washington,
where the buck stops here.

00:01:08.967 --> 00:01:10.668
Way to go.

00:01:10.702 --> 00:01:12.571
And then it's
handed out to A.I.G.

00:01:12.605 --> 00:01:14.473
and many other people.
Now...

00:01:14.507 --> 00:01:16.908
I have the new
Timothy Geithner $20-bill.

00:01:16.941 --> 00:01:18.939
It's just been printed,
kind of neat.

00:01:18.973 --> 00:01:20.506
Instead of
"in god we trust,"

00:01:20.540 --> 00:01:22.507
It just says
"trust me."

00:01:23.843 --> 00:01:26.311
And it says
"spend before Tuesday."

00:01:27.479 --> 00:01:29.213
And also
instead of Andrew Jackson,

00:01:29.248 --> 00:01:31.349
it has the little man
from monopoly going--

00:01:33.986 --> 00:01:35.686
and I know many of you
have been looking

00:01:35.721 --> 00:01:37.454
for Sarah Palin's book.
It is a bitch to find.

00:01:37.489 --> 00:01:39.523
Good luck.

00:01:39.558 --> 00:01:42.026
I found it somewhere between
fiction and non-fiction

00:01:42.060 --> 00:01:44.128
in the fantasy aisle.

00:01:45.264 --> 00:01:46.897
It was kind of fun.

00:01:46.931 --> 00:01:48.964
Wonderful.

00:01:51.201 --> 00:01:53.902
Do you get-- do you get
the feeling with Sarah Palin,

00:01:53.936 --> 00:01:56.604
In high school
she was voted least
likely to write a book

00:01:56.639 --> 00:01:58.305
and most likely to burn one?

00:01:58.339 --> 00:02:00.040
Do you think
that might've been--

00:02:00.074 --> 00:02:02.342
she's pretty wild.
Baby, I love her.

00:02:03.578 --> 00:02:05.979
And also, Oprah--
Oprah has retired--

00:02:06.013 --> 00:02:08.413
Is gonna retire her show.
Please say it isn't so!

00:02:08.448 --> 00:02:10.616
Oprah's gonna
retire her show.

00:02:10.650 --> 00:02:12.984
I hope she's not bummed out
about losing the Olympics.

00:02:13.019 --> 00:02:15.286
I hope that's not it.

00:02:15.321 --> 00:02:16.988
It wasn't really fair.

00:02:17.022 --> 00:02:18.523
Chicago sent
Oprah and Michelle,

00:02:18.557 --> 00:02:21.258
Brazil sent 50 strippers
and a pound of blow.

00:02:22.393 --> 00:02:24.294
It's like, what?

00:02:26.530 --> 00:02:28.864
Do you think the Olympic
committee was going

00:02:28.898 --> 00:02:31.766
"Oprah? Shaved pussy?

00:02:34.536 --> 00:02:38.372
Oprah, would you--
okay, we're gonna
have to go this way."

00:02:38.406 --> 00:02:40.841
And who the fuck thinks

00:02:40.875 --> 00:02:43.042
that Rio is safer
than Chicago?!

00:02:43.077 --> 00:02:44.877
My God.
They're gonna have to make

00:02:44.912 --> 00:02:47.180
kidnapping and waxing
Olympic events.

00:02:49.149 --> 00:02:51.917
Degree of difficulty: 5.3.
( mimics ripping noises )

00:02:54.753 --> 00:02:57.655
But it is interesting.
They have the Winter Olympics
in Vancouver

00:02:57.689 --> 00:02:59.857
and the torch is heading
across Canada right now

00:02:59.892 --> 00:03:02.026
and already in B.C.
they're lighting torches going--

00:03:02.061 --> 00:03:04.595
( choked )
"we're waiting."

00:03:04.630 --> 00:03:06.397
Come on, you folks who
just came from Capitol Hill.

00:03:06.431 --> 00:03:07.929
Come on down.
Where do you go?

00:03:07.963 --> 00:03:10.030
How are you, my friends?
Grab some seats.

00:03:10.065 --> 00:03:12.333
- You were caught in--
- ( audience shouting )

00:03:12.367 --> 00:03:13.667
What?

00:03:13.702 --> 00:03:17.437
<i>- ( woman shouts )
- that's your old boss?</i>

00:03:17.471 --> 00:03:20.273
Did you fuck him?

00:03:23.076 --> 00:03:24.777
Sorry. Okay.

00:03:26.912 --> 00:03:29.781
Not an inappropriate
question to ask in Washington.

00:03:31.316 --> 00:03:34.351
No. And he's
going, "no! No!

00:03:34.386 --> 00:03:36.587
She was just a page,
it's okay!"

00:03:37.923 --> 00:03:41.191
And it was weird.
In California this summer

00:03:41.226 --> 00:03:43.259
all the State Parks
caught on fire

00:03:43.294 --> 00:03:44.794
which was sad

00:03:44.828 --> 00:03:46.628
because these parks
are full of weed.

00:03:46.663 --> 00:03:48.695
It's bad news.

00:03:48.730 --> 00:03:51.330
It's like-- even the guys
fighting the fires

00:03:51.365 --> 00:03:53.898
are like...
( laughing )

00:03:53.933 --> 00:03:56.233
"fuck! Oh my God!

00:03:56.268 --> 00:03:58.969
Make another
rainbow, Tommy!

00:03:59.003 --> 00:04:01.337
Oh my God!"

00:04:01.371 --> 00:04:03.504
It's weird.

00:04:05.140 --> 00:04:07.041
Even Smokey the Bear
was going,

00:04:07.075 --> 00:04:08.742
"only you can--

00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:13.046
Shit, I knew this.

00:04:14.014 --> 00:04:16.248
Fuck."

00:04:16.283 --> 00:04:19.752
And California weed
is kick-ass fucking weed.

00:04:19.786 --> 00:04:21.720
This is weed
that even Jamaicans go,

00:04:21.755 --> 00:04:24.289
"oh, don't smoke
that weed, man."

00:04:24.323 --> 00:04:26.290
It's California catatonic.

00:04:26.324 --> 00:04:28.458
It's the type
of weed you hit it
and it's like...

00:04:28.492 --> 00:04:31.728
Fuck! Shit!

00:04:31.762 --> 00:04:35.130
I'm not doing something.

00:04:35.164 --> 00:04:36.964
What is it?

00:04:36.999 --> 00:04:38.499
Oh right, breathe!

00:04:38.533 --> 00:04:40.134
( exhales )

00:04:41.537 --> 00:04:43.471
And you get so stoned,
you end up sitting on your couch

00:04:43.505 --> 00:04:45.406
for a week to the point
where your cat's going,

00:04:45.440 --> 00:04:48.375
"get up, you asshole!

00:04:48.409 --> 00:04:51.611
I've been eating my own shit
for the last two days!

00:04:51.645 --> 00:04:54.847
I know I'm mellow,
but this is fucking ridiculous!"

00:04:54.881 --> 00:04:58.249
And if they legalize it,
they're going to have
to regulate it

00:04:58.283 --> 00:05:00.318
and they're going
to have to a warning
on a box of joints.

00:05:00.352 --> 00:05:03.620
It's going to have to say,
"Surgeon General has determined

00:05:03.655 --> 00:05:06.756
<i>this will make
your music awesome.</i>

00:05:08.392 --> 00:05:10.326
Even Yanni.

00:05:12.027 --> 00:05:14.795
And if you thought you
enjoyed cartoons before..."

00:05:17.200 --> 00:05:18.734
and if they're
gonna have ads--

00:05:18.768 --> 00:05:20.302
they're gonna have ads
and it'll be like

00:05:20.337 --> 00:05:22.237
instead of the Marlboro man,
it'll be the Mendocino man.

00:05:22.271 --> 00:05:24.239
It'll be a cowboy
on the back of a horse going,

00:05:24.273 --> 00:05:26.107
"shit, am I thirsty.
God damn."

00:05:27.809 --> 00:05:31.377
Even the horse will be going,
"I don't know where
the fuck I am.

00:05:31.412 --> 00:05:33.779
God damn, I got a little
cotton mouth here.

00:05:33.813 --> 00:05:36.481
God damn it."

00:05:36.516 --> 00:05:38.850
And the weird fucking thing
with these weather systems--

00:05:38.884 --> 00:05:41.385
the storms right now
have been fucking insane.

00:05:41.419 --> 00:05:43.653
Kick-ass tornados
in the midwest.

00:05:43.688 --> 00:05:45.722
It used to be in the midwest
when you had a tornado,

00:05:45.756 --> 00:05:47.423
it was like everybody
get in the root cellar.

00:05:47.458 --> 00:05:49.425
Not anymore. You fuckers
are like "get a video camera!

00:05:49.460 --> 00:05:51.660
Get outside!
Film it, Bobby!"

00:05:51.695 --> 00:05:53.562
How's the tornado?
"it just blew my pants off.

00:05:53.596 --> 00:05:55.897
Keep shooting.
Fuckin'-a!"

00:05:55.932 --> 00:05:58.032
You know the difference
between a tornado

00:05:58.067 --> 00:05:59.567
and divorce in the South?
Nothing.

00:05:59.601 --> 00:06:02.002
Someone's losing
their trailer, number one.

00:06:02.037 --> 00:06:04.137
It's like, mmm!

00:06:04.172 --> 00:06:05.772
God damn!

00:06:08.242 --> 00:06:10.976
The hurricanes have been getting
bigger and fucking bigger.

00:06:11.011 --> 00:06:13.812
And they usually
give them names that
don't really inspire fear.

00:06:13.846 --> 00:06:17.380
Like hurricane Terrence
does not inspire fear.

00:06:18.683 --> 00:06:20.717
This sounds like
a slightly gay hurricane.

00:06:20.752 --> 00:06:22.786
Where are you going?

00:06:22.820 --> 00:06:26.456
"I might go to Boca.
I might go to South Beach.
I don't know.

00:06:27.659 --> 00:06:29.459
All I know is
blowing is involved.

00:06:30.962 --> 00:06:33.530
<i>Yes!"</i>

00:06:33.564 --> 00:06:36.131
And they should name
the hurricanes

00:06:36.165 --> 00:06:37.632
After the people
it's gonna be fucking with.

00:06:37.667 --> 00:06:39.734
If it's going to Texas--
hurricane Billy Ray.

00:06:39.769 --> 00:06:41.803
Come on now.
What are you gonna do?

00:06:41.837 --> 00:06:44.037
"fuck shit up!
That's what goes on."

00:06:44.072 --> 00:06:46.572
If it's off the coast
of Miami-- hurricane Bernie.

00:06:46.607 --> 00:06:48.207
"hello!

00:06:48.242 --> 00:06:50.410
He took our 401k.
The goniff's coming back
for the house.

00:06:50.444 --> 00:06:52.345
Move out!
Let's fucking go!"

00:06:53.480 --> 00:06:55.347
And when they
named a hurricane

00:06:55.382 --> 00:06:57.415
Hurricane Ike,
I went, finally,

00:06:57.450 --> 00:06:59.083
they have the balls
to name a hurricane

00:06:59.117 --> 00:07:01.118
after a crack-smoking,
wife-beating motherfucker.

00:07:01.152 --> 00:07:02.819
Yeah!

00:07:02.854 --> 00:07:05.054
Even Tina Turner would go,
"you'd better get your shit

00:07:05.089 --> 00:07:06.991
and get out of the house.

00:07:07.025 --> 00:07:10.461
'cause Ike never
does anything nice
and easy. Never."

00:07:10.495 --> 00:07:12.996
And the hurricanes
have been getting so big

00:07:13.031 --> 00:07:14.631
that even the guy
on the weather channel

00:07:14.665 --> 00:07:16.199
is freaked out.
He's going, "okay,

00:07:16.233 --> 00:07:18.100
let's go to our new
hurricane weather map--

00:07:18.135 --> 00:07:20.202
<i>Fuck!</i>

00:07:21.437 --> 00:07:23.905
<i>This is hurricane Shavon.</i>

00:07:23.939 --> 00:07:26.040
The map is
the entire South

00:07:26.074 --> 00:07:28.742
<i>The asshole in the middle
is Dallas.</i>

00:07:30.378 --> 00:07:33.212
Um, crazy.

00:07:37.349 --> 00:07:40.450
Back to you, Ted.
I just shit myself."

00:07:41.752 --> 00:07:43.052
And they always
go down to some poor fuckers

00:07:43.086 --> 00:07:45.120
on the coast
in the middle of the storm

00:07:45.154 --> 00:07:47.890
hoing, "carl, how's it down
there on the coast?"
"not bad!

00:07:48.858 --> 00:07:51.359
Seems to be kicking up!"

00:07:51.394 --> 00:07:53.227
And then there's always
the aftermath

00:07:53.262 --> 00:07:54.862
where they interview
some family

00:07:54.896 --> 00:07:56.830
standing in the wreckage
of their beach house

00:07:56.864 --> 00:07:58.565
and they're always going like,
"hurricane came

00:07:58.599 --> 00:08:00.868
and tore everything up.

00:08:00.903 --> 00:08:03.104
And we had just rebuilt."

00:08:03.138 --> 00:08:05.072
Time out.

00:08:06.308 --> 00:08:08.142
How often do you rebuild?

00:08:08.176 --> 00:08:10.043
"every year."

00:08:10.078 --> 00:08:11.778
Why do you rebuild here?

00:08:11.813 --> 00:08:14.113
"we love the view."

00:08:14.148 --> 00:08:16.149
Well, you may want to get
some styrofoam furniture

00:08:16.183 --> 00:08:18.684
that goes up
and fucking down.

00:08:19.953 --> 00:08:22.887
Some things that you
can hose off maybe.

00:08:22.922 --> 00:08:26.757
But the weird thing is,
I can't give them shit.

00:08:26.792 --> 00:08:28.958
I like in California.
I live on God's etch-a-sketch.

00:08:28.993 --> 00:08:31.327
It's crazy.

00:08:31.361 --> 00:08:33.128
We have earthquakes
every other day.

00:08:33.162 --> 00:08:36.063
And you get kind of blasé.
Like, "oh, fuck.

00:08:36.097 --> 00:08:38.332
2.5, not bad.

00:08:40.001 --> 00:08:42.135
Oh, shit!

00:08:42.169 --> 00:08:44.270
5.8. Maybe we should
have drinks outsides.

00:08:44.305 --> 00:08:46.138
Let's go."

00:08:47.641 --> 00:08:49.675
And they always talk
about the big one.

00:08:49.709 --> 00:08:53.244
I was in a 7.5 earthquake.
That was a "fuck me" moment.

00:08:53.279 --> 00:08:54.746
That was a--
( screams )

00:08:54.780 --> 00:08:56.781
And they went,
"that was not the big one."

00:08:56.815 --> 00:08:58.348
Really? Well, what will
the big one be?

00:08:58.383 --> 00:09:00.884
"well, in the big one,
if there is the big earthquake,

00:09:00.918 --> 00:09:03.586
Nevada will be wine country,
number one."

00:09:04.955 --> 00:09:06.555
And when will
the big one be?

00:09:06.590 --> 00:09:08.089
"well, we have a window
of opportunity."

00:09:08.124 --> 00:09:10.891
Well, what will that be?
"could be tomorrow...

00:09:10.926 --> 00:09:12.760
or 10,000 years from now."

00:09:13.962 --> 00:09:16.663
Well, thanks
for the fucking heads-up

00:09:16.697 --> 00:09:18.364
The only warning you have
is if your cat

00:09:18.399 --> 00:09:21.067
Is spread-eagle
in the doorway like--
( howls )

00:09:21.101 --> 00:09:23.902
Get the fuck out.

00:09:23.936 --> 00:09:25.570
And if your parrot
starts going,

00:09:25.604 --> 00:09:28.539
"pack the car!
Pack the car!

00:09:28.573 --> 00:09:30.441
Food and water!
Food and water!"

00:09:30.475 --> 00:09:32.876
Also, if you
have a parrot,

00:09:32.910 --> 00:09:34.711
do not leave them
in the bedroom.

00:09:34.746 --> 00:09:37.880
They hear everything.
All of the sudden you'll
have guests over for dinner

00:09:37.915 --> 00:09:41.117
and the parrot will go
"not the ass." whoa-ho-ho!

00:09:41.151 --> 00:09:44.452
Petey!

00:09:44.487 --> 00:09:46.755
( chuckles )
he's been watching porn again.

00:09:47.790 --> 00:09:49.657
"fuck me, Teddy!
Fuck me hard!"

00:09:51.093 --> 00:09:53.427
Honey, who's Teddy?

00:09:54.663 --> 00:09:56.897
Hmm.

00:09:56.931 --> 00:10:00.567
And the weird thing is

00:10:00.601 --> 00:10:03.869
you try and do
your part to reduce
your carbon footprint.

00:10:03.903 --> 00:10:06.171
And if you have a hybrid,
God bless you, sweet cars.

00:10:06.205 --> 00:10:09.441
But especially if you drive
them outside a major city,
you get into little cities

00:10:09.475 --> 00:10:11.676
especially in the South,
it becomes kind of interesting.

00:10:11.710 --> 00:10:13.478
you pull into a small
gas station, it's like,

00:10:13.513 --> 00:10:15.413
"what the fuck is this?

00:10:15.448 --> 00:10:17.648
Bobby, get over here.
It's one of them new inbreds!

00:10:17.683 --> 00:10:20.751
Look at this
motherfucker.

00:10:20.785 --> 00:10:23.052
Shit, looks like Volkswagen
fucked a golf cart.

00:10:23.087 --> 00:10:25.120
God damn.

00:10:26.188 --> 00:10:28.456
I did not
hear you come in.

00:10:29.558 --> 00:10:30.958
You may want
to put some cards

00:10:30.992 --> 00:10:32.660
in the spokes
of your wheels

00:10:32.694 --> 00:10:35.395
so you make
some fucking noise."

00:10:35.430 --> 00:10:37.731
That's why there's not gonna
be any NASCAR hybrid race.

00:10:37.765 --> 00:10:39.933
A NASCAR hybrid
race would be like,
"here they come."

00:10:39.967 --> 00:10:42.835
( blowing softly )

00:10:42.869 --> 00:10:44.936
And I love
the guys who say,

00:10:44.971 --> 00:10:46.471
"I watch NASCAR
for the racing."

00:10:46.505 --> 00:10:48.072
Yeah, I watch porn
for the acting.

00:10:48.106 --> 00:10:50.440
You liar!

00:10:50.475 --> 00:10:52.475
You watch NASCAR
to see team viagra

00:10:52.510 --> 00:10:54.244
spin out in flames
and the guy get out

00:10:54.278 --> 00:10:56.845
with his pubes on fire
going, "I'm okay!"

00:10:56.880 --> 00:10:58.380
And there was a guy
in the South who said,

00:10:58.415 --> 00:11:00.148
"they should have
NASCAR in the Olympics."

00:11:00.183 --> 00:11:02.517
And it was like, mm-hmm.
At that moment ever Darwin

00:11:02.551 --> 00:11:04.952
was going,
"come with me."

00:11:06.555 --> 00:11:08.088
This is the ascent of man.

00:11:08.122 --> 00:11:09.823
You stand here.

00:11:11.592 --> 00:11:13.592
But it's weird too.
If you recycle, God bless you.

00:11:13.627 --> 00:11:15.660
You recycle, good for you,
congratulations.

00:11:15.695 --> 00:11:17.462
But if you recycle,
there is one group

00:11:17.496 --> 00:11:20.232
who is really pissed off.
That group are the raccoons.

00:11:20.266 --> 00:11:22.933
They are going through
your recycling like,

00:11:22.967 --> 00:11:25.202
( irish accent )
"what the fuck is this shit?

00:11:26.571 --> 00:11:28.471
Where are the hefty bags?
The piñata of life

00:11:28.505 --> 00:11:31.407
that used to feed an entire
fucking family?

00:11:31.441 --> 00:11:33.909
This is glass and plastic.
I can't digest this shit,

00:11:33.944 --> 00:11:36.378
you green asshole!

00:11:36.413 --> 00:11:39.281
I'm spreading this shit
all over your lawn!

00:11:39.315 --> 00:11:41.616
I'm taking a dump
in your pool too."

00:11:42.884 --> 00:11:44.718
I don't know why I made
the raccoons Irish,

00:11:44.752 --> 00:11:46.620
but it works.
Now...

00:11:53.259 --> 00:11:54.993
and they're ballsy
little motherfuckers too.

00:11:55.027 --> 00:11:56.661
You turn on the light,
they look at you like,

00:11:56.695 --> 00:11:58.762
"what the fuck
you gonna do?

00:11:58.797 --> 00:12:01.464
I got a skunk as backup.
Don't make me call him."

00:12:01.499 --> 00:12:03.800
And they've got those
little jazz paws.

00:12:03.834 --> 00:12:05.368
"jazz paws!"

00:12:05.402 --> 00:12:07.069
They can open
doors, cabinets.

00:12:07.104 --> 00:12:09.238
I'm amazed you don't
come home and find them
on the computer

00:12:09.272 --> 00:12:11.773
going, "I'm ordering shit.
How you doing?

00:12:11.807 --> 00:12:13.573
The dog knows I'm here.
I locked him

00:12:13.607 --> 00:12:15.841
in the fucking closet.
He's an idiot. Too late."

00:12:17.276 --> 00:12:19.644
And the deer in California
have total amnesty

00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:21.246
'cause they know no one's
gonna cap their ass

00:12:21.280 --> 00:12:23.082
and strap them to the front
of a Ranger Rover

00:12:23.116 --> 00:12:24.549
and go downtown
for a mocha.

00:12:24.583 --> 00:12:26.784
They walk through your yard
like supermodels with hooves.

00:12:26.819 --> 00:12:28.820
Like, "hi.

00:12:33.124 --> 00:12:34.825
Are these your roses?

00:12:37.795 --> 00:12:39.329
Oh my God,
a deer fence."

00:12:39.363 --> 00:12:41.831
( makes whooshing noise )

00:12:48.837 --> 00:12:50.538
And I love
the five point buck

00:12:50.572 --> 00:12:54.274
that jump out
in front of your car like,
"I hope you're insured.

00:12:54.309 --> 00:12:56.009
'cause I'm taking you out.
This is revenge

00:12:56.043 --> 00:12:57.710
for my brother who's hanging
in a bar in Tennessee.

00:12:57.745 --> 00:12:59.479
Fuck you."

00:13:00.914 --> 00:13:03.816
And we have coyotes,
which are like dogs on crack.

00:13:03.850 --> 00:13:06.084
They come into your yard
looking like, "hey! I'm a dog.

00:13:06.118 --> 00:13:09.488
Ooh! Ooh,
I'm a fucking dog.
Hey! Psst, listen.

00:13:09.522 --> 00:13:12.157
Do you have any small
animals you don't need?"

00:13:13.625 --> 00:13:15.726
And I'm sure your cat
is sitting in the back going,

00:13:15.760 --> 00:13:17.628
"I will shit in the box!

00:13:19.163 --> 00:13:21.531
Don't send me out there.
Those things eat pussy!

00:13:21.566 --> 00:13:23.133
Don't send me out there!"

00:13:23.167 --> 00:13:25.135
( hisses )

00:13:26.270 --> 00:13:28.638
And if you have
a cat a a dog...

00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:32.073
and they live together,
do you think your cat

00:13:32.107 --> 00:13:34.041
mind-fucks your dog?

00:13:34.075 --> 00:13:36.377
I don't think it's fair.
I think the moment
you go to sleep

00:13:36.411 --> 00:13:37.844
the cat's like,

00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:39.412
"Scooby!"
( hisses )

00:13:40.514 --> 00:13:42.281
"yeah yeah?"

00:13:42.316 --> 00:13:44.383
"hey, Scooby,
are you man's best friend?"

00:13:44.418 --> 00:13:46.218
"oh God, yeah.
I love him. I love him!"

00:13:46.252 --> 00:13:49.855
"really? Then where
are your balls?"

00:13:52.224 --> 00:13:54.559
"shit, they were
there yesterday.

00:13:54.593 --> 00:13:56.895
I wondered why my ass
tasted differently."

00:13:58.197 --> 00:13:59.764
"I'm just saying
that's weird.

00:13:59.799 --> 00:14:01.833
You know, I'm just saying--"
( hacking )

00:14:04.369 --> 00:14:06.470
"I'm just saying that's
weird, that's all I'm saying."

00:14:08.073 --> 00:14:11.073
And people in California
give their cats prozac.

00:14:11.108 --> 00:14:13.742
How much more mellow
can a fucking animal be?

00:14:15.810 --> 00:14:18.142
But that's California,
where animals have
better healthcare

00:14:18.177 --> 00:14:20.377
than the rest
of the country.
It's fucking insane.

00:14:20.412 --> 00:14:22.279
And if the whole
healthcare debate--

00:14:22.314 --> 00:14:24.782
If you want to know how your
congressman and senators
are gonna vote,

00:14:24.816 --> 00:14:27.618
we should actually--
maybe they should be
like NASCAR drivers.

00:14:27.652 --> 00:14:29.652
They should actually
have to have jackets

00:14:29.687 --> 00:14:32.054
with the names
of all the people
who are sponsoring them.

00:14:32.088 --> 00:14:33.789
Wouldn't that be cool?

00:14:33.823 --> 00:14:36.391
Fuckin'-a!
Yeah, baby.

00:14:42.163 --> 00:14:44.198
Then you might have a clue

00:14:44.232 --> 00:14:46.066
to why the fuck
they voted that way.

00:14:46.100 --> 00:14:48.802
"big drug company."
got it! Thank you.

00:14:48.836 --> 00:14:50.436
And I have an alternative
healthcare plan.

00:14:50.471 --> 00:14:52.805
It's called cash-for-clunkers-
for-older-relatives.

00:14:52.839 --> 00:14:54.606
It's kind of fun.

00:14:54.641 --> 00:14:58.342
You sell grandma
for parts.

00:14:58.376 --> 00:15:00.009
Grandma, you've
got two kidneys.

00:15:00.044 --> 00:15:03.045
We need a porch.
Let's do this.

00:15:03.079 --> 00:15:05.147
And do not
sell grandma's kidneys

00:15:05.181 --> 00:15:07.249
to that Hasidic Rabbi
in New Jersey.

00:15:07.283 --> 00:15:10.084
Fuck. Who buys organs
from a Hasidic Rabbi

00:15:10.119 --> 00:15:12.852
Going, "I'm crazy Itzhak.
Come on down.

00:15:12.887 --> 00:15:14.587
I'm verklempt
with values.

00:15:14.621 --> 00:15:16.322
Come on down!
I've got kidneys.

00:15:16.356 --> 00:15:18.857
I've got livers.
How's the liver? Fresh!

00:15:18.858 --> 00:15:20.559
Come on down!

00:15:20.593 --> 00:15:22.661
and if you order now,
you'll get this lovely wallet

00:15:22.695 --> 00:15:24.362
made from a Hasidic foreskin.
You rub it,

00:15:24.396 --> 00:15:27.297
It becomes a suitcase.
Come on down!

00:15:27.331 --> 00:15:30.400
Come on down!
I'm open 24/6 for you!

00:15:30.434 --> 00:15:32.635
<i>Come on!"</i>

00:15:32.670 --> 00:15:35.404
And if you have an older
relative living with you

00:15:35.438 --> 00:15:36.938
That has dementia

00:15:36.972 --> 00:15:38.606
And the temarketers
are calling,

00:15:38.640 --> 00:15:40.675
put her on the phone
with the telemarketers.

00:15:42.044 --> 00:15:44.045
It works.

00:15:44.079 --> 00:15:46.247
After two hours
she thinks she's talking

00:15:46.281 --> 00:15:47.814
to your long-lost
cousin Carl

00:15:47.848 --> 00:15:51.484
and the fucking
telemarketers will
never call back again.

00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:53.686
And it's weird too,
'cause I had open heart surgery

00:15:53.721 --> 00:15:56.621
Which lets you know exactly
what the fuck it is--
open heart.

00:15:56.655 --> 00:15:58.622
An angiogram does
not let you know

00:15:58.656 --> 00:16:00.590
What they're going to do.
An angiogram is where they

00:16:00.624 --> 00:16:02.358
go through your groin
to your heart.

00:16:02.392 --> 00:16:04.960
And how knew that
the way to man's heart
was through his groin?

00:16:04.994 --> 00:16:06.628
And the women--
many women are going,

00:16:06.662 --> 00:16:09.430
"we've known that forever.

00:16:09.464 --> 00:16:11.066
Yes.

00:16:11.100 --> 00:16:13.568
Simple. You grab
a man's balls,

00:16:13.603 --> 00:16:15.837
his heart will follow."

00:16:17.005 --> 00:16:18.639
And I found out
I had a bad heart

00:16:18.673 --> 00:16:21.008
because they did
an echocardiogram
and my heartbeat was like--

00:16:21.042 --> 00:16:23.744
( mimics irregular beating )

00:16:23.778 --> 00:16:27.146
My cardiologist went,
"that's not good."

00:16:27.181 --> 00:16:28.914
My latin friend said,
"no, you could dance to that.

00:16:28.949 --> 00:16:30.449
That's kinda cool."

00:16:30.483 --> 00:16:32.751
And then they did
the angiogram and I heard my--

00:16:32.785 --> 00:16:34.919
( blowing raspberries )

00:16:34.953 --> 00:16:36.687
I had a blown valve
which makes me sound

00:16:36.722 --> 00:16:38.956
like a Chevrolet.
Like what the fuck?

00:16:38.990 --> 00:16:40.891
And they started
offering me choices

00:16:40.925 --> 00:16:42.458
about what type of valves
I could get.

00:16:42.493 --> 00:16:43.959
And here were
some of my choices:

00:16:43.994 --> 00:16:45.594
Number one--
a porcine valve

00:16:45.628 --> 00:16:47.429
Which is a pig valve,
which is kind of cool

00:16:47.464 --> 00:16:50.732
because you're
already inoculated
for swine flue, number one.

00:16:50.766 --> 00:16:52.933
And one of the side effects
is you can find truffles,

00:16:52.968 --> 00:16:55.435
which is kind of cool.

00:16:55.470 --> 00:16:57.537
I was hoping to get
an equine valve

00:16:59.473 --> 00:17:02.240
'cause then you
can hang out of your
shorts like, "oh my God..

00:17:03.442 --> 00:17:05.209
Baby, I'm sorry.
I just got excited."

00:17:05.243 --> 00:17:06.676
You know?

00:17:06.711 --> 00:17:08.377
To get out of the house,
you have to have a midget

00:17:08.413 --> 00:17:11.012
jump on your back going,
"we're going outside right now.

00:17:12.315 --> 00:17:15.951
How many months since
the surgery?" five.

00:17:15.984 --> 00:17:18.920
And they offered me
a mechanical valve

00:17:18.954 --> 00:17:20.521
which is kind of cool.
I thought,

00:17:20.556 --> 00:17:22.990
maybe I can get
the new Apple iheart.
That would be great.

00:17:24.425 --> 00:17:26.492
It comes with 20,000 emotions
and that would be--

00:17:26.527 --> 00:17:28.261
and I thought,
wait a minute.

00:17:28.295 --> 00:17:29.796
if I could get an iheart,

00:17:29.830 --> 00:17:31.897
ladies, how about this?
Instead of breast implants--

00:17:31.932 --> 00:17:34.767
Speakers.
Wouldn't that be cool?

00:17:34.801 --> 00:17:37.435
We'll call 'em blue tits,
they'll be compatible
with the heart.

00:17:38.571 --> 00:17:40.171
And if you can't
afford speakers,

00:17:40.205 --> 00:17:42.039
just put in a squeak toy.
We're that simple.

00:17:42.073 --> 00:17:43.740
That'd be great.

00:17:43.775 --> 00:17:45.375
A lot of you men
would be going--
( squeaks )

00:17:45.409 --> 00:17:47.276
"oh yeah, baby."

00:17:47.311 --> 00:17:48.977
( squeaking )

00:17:49.012 --> 00:17:51.780
( laughing )

00:17:51.814 --> 00:17:54.015
And I'll put
a whistle in my dick
so when you blow me--

00:17:54.050 --> 00:17:55.883
Whoo!

00:17:57.285 --> 00:18:00.287
Kind of fun, but...

00:18:00.321 --> 00:18:02.922
I ended up getting a bovine
valve which is a cow valve.

00:18:02.956 --> 00:18:05.157
Which is kind of cool,
'cause you can shit standing up.

00:18:05.192 --> 00:18:06.725
That's great.

00:18:06.760 --> 00:18:09.128
Great to be here.
Nice to be here.

00:18:09.162 --> 00:18:12.132
But after the surgery,
you get very emotional.

00:18:12.166 --> 00:18:14.169
It's like-- it's like weird.
People go, "how are you?"

00:18:14.203 --> 00:18:16.505
( crying )
God, thanks for asking.

00:18:16.540 --> 00:18:19.207
And I got so emotional,
I thought instead of a valve

00:18:19.241 --> 00:18:21.575
They gave me a tiny vagina.
Which is like-- what?

00:18:22.877 --> 00:18:25.043
"how are you?"
much better now, thank you.

00:18:26.078 --> 00:18:28.511
Mmm. Oh God.

00:18:28.546 --> 00:18:30.813
Don't use the paddles,
just rub me here.

00:18:30.848 --> 00:18:33.282
There we go.

00:18:33.316 --> 00:18:34.850
And if this is
the symbol for men,

00:18:34.884 --> 00:18:36.951
Is this the symbol
for women?

00:18:36.985 --> 00:18:38.551
Don't jerk me off.
I won't. God bless.

00:18:38.586 --> 00:18:40.686
Thank you.

00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:43.789
And the surgery--
the surgery went amazing.

00:18:43.824 --> 00:18:46.758
I had a doctor who had
done 4,000 surgeries.

00:18:46.792 --> 00:18:48.860
All of them fucking amazing.
That was great.

00:18:48.894 --> 00:18:50.728
You don't want a doctor
who's done six surgeries,

00:18:50.763 --> 00:18:53.097
three of them haven't
gone that well.

00:18:53.131 --> 00:18:55.933
You don't want a guy going,
"let's see what happens."

00:18:57.069 --> 00:18:58.603
And the surgery
was pretty amazing.

00:18:58.637 --> 00:19:00.504
It went fantastic.
First thing to come back online,

00:19:00.539 --> 00:19:02.073
Your heart--
( beeps )

00:19:02.107 --> 00:19:04.474
Great. And then your brain.
Last thing, asshole.

00:19:04.509 --> 00:19:06.109
( grunts )

00:19:06.143 --> 00:19:07.677
The drugs make you
so constipated,

00:19:07.711 --> 00:19:09.545
I thought they were gonna
have to bring in a priest

00:19:09.579 --> 00:19:11.448
to do a rectal exorcism.

00:19:11.482 --> 00:19:14.351
Demon turd,
fall from his ass!

00:19:14.386 --> 00:19:16.954
The power of fiber
compels you!

00:19:16.988 --> 00:19:19.957
The power
of fiber compels you!

00:19:22.193 --> 00:19:24.094
And after the surgery,
they put you on a little

00:19:24.128 --> 00:19:25.728
self-medicator,
which is fucking great.

00:19:25.763 --> 00:19:27.997
You're like...
( laughs )

00:19:28.031 --> 00:19:29.498
I want to thank
my anesthesiologist,

00:19:29.532 --> 00:19:31.799
'cause I don't fucking
remember his name.

00:19:31.834 --> 00:19:33.401
And the drug they gave me
for the surgery

00:19:33.435 --> 00:19:35.469
was a drug
called propofol

00:19:35.504 --> 00:19:37.538
which is nicknamed
milk of amnesia.

00:19:37.572 --> 00:19:39.339
Fucking insane drug.

00:19:39.374 --> 00:19:41.274
I had that
in a surgical situation.

00:19:41.308 --> 00:19:43.609
Michael Jackson was
taking propofol at home

00:19:43.644 --> 00:19:45.377
To sleep.
Fuck off.

00:19:46.980 --> 00:19:49.147
A doctor said,
"taking propofol to sleep

00:19:49.182 --> 00:19:50.649
is like doing
chemotherapy

00:19:50.683 --> 00:19:53.851
because you're tired
of shaving your fucking head."

00:19:53.886 --> 00:19:56.454
It's like, no.

00:19:56.489 --> 00:19:58.322
And do you think
that when you die

00:19:58.357 --> 00:20:00.290
and you get
to the other side
in the afterlife

00:20:00.325 --> 00:20:01.858
They give you things
you had in life?

00:20:01.892 --> 00:20:03.759
Like Michael got
to the other side
and it's like, Michael?

00:20:03.793 --> 00:20:05.227
( high voice )
"yes?"

00:20:05.261 --> 00:20:07.662
We have some
of your things here.

00:20:07.696 --> 00:20:09.497
"really?"

00:20:09.531 --> 00:20:12.232
One african-american nose.
Is this yours?

00:20:14.235 --> 00:20:15.569
"yes."

00:20:15.603 --> 00:20:17.637
We have four others here.
Are these yours?

00:20:17.671 --> 00:20:20.772
"three of them are mine.
One's Latoya's."

00:20:20.806 --> 00:20:23.808
But you can't blame Michael.
We're a heavily medicated
society.

00:20:23.843 --> 00:20:26.545
All the drugs we take--
prozac, effexor, valium.

00:20:26.579 --> 00:20:28.180
I thought for
the last 10 years

00:20:28.214 --> 00:20:30.683
we've been on some
weird fucking drug--
the whole country--

00:20:30.717 --> 00:20:33.352
A drug called fuck-it-all.
What a weird fucking drug.

00:20:33.386 --> 00:20:35.954
And we're just coming out of it
and we're kind of waking up.

00:20:35.988 --> 00:20:39.223
It's like fuckin'-a.

00:20:39.258 --> 00:20:42.326
It's weird.
It's like you're going,

00:20:42.361 --> 00:20:45.328
The last thing I remember was
the economy was working

00:20:45.363 --> 00:20:47.263
And there was
a budget surplus.
Yeah.

00:20:47.298 --> 00:20:49.632
Where's Clinton?
"we impeached him."

00:20:49.666 --> 00:20:51.534
Fuck!

00:20:51.568 --> 00:20:53.135
For what?
"a blowjob."

00:20:53.170 --> 00:20:55.904
What?
Who did he blow, Putin?

00:20:55.939 --> 00:20:57.572
"no.

00:20:57.607 --> 00:20:59.374
No!

00:21:02.679 --> 00:21:05.014
He got blown by
a Jewish girl." wow!

00:21:05.048 --> 00:21:08.116
He got head
from a Jewish girl?
Fuckin'-a!

00:21:10.086 --> 00:21:12.720
And they
impeached him for that?
"he lied about it."

00:21:12.755 --> 00:21:15.056
He's married.
Who wouldn't?
What the fuck?

00:21:15.090 --> 00:21:17.024
"no, he lied about it
to Congress."

00:21:17.058 --> 00:21:19.526
And those fuckers
impeached him?!

00:21:19.560 --> 00:21:23.162
That's like a group of lepers
judging a beauty contest.
What the fuck?

00:21:24.431 --> 00:21:26.799
Wow, that's nuts.

00:21:28.268 --> 00:21:30.169
No!

00:21:32.705 --> 00:21:34.606
"and then they
acquitted him."

00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.541
Cool, who was president
next, Gore?

00:21:36.575 --> 00:21:38.275
"no, Bush."
he was already president.

00:21:38.310 --> 00:21:41.344
"no, this was his son."
oh, the one from Florida.
He's kinda cool.

00:21:41.379 --> 00:21:45.114
"no, the one from Texas?"
junior?! Fuck.

00:21:45.149 --> 00:21:48.083
My God, the one
who traded Sammy Sosa?

00:21:48.118 --> 00:21:50.118
Fuck yeah.

00:21:50.152 --> 00:21:53.820
How was he as president?
"kinda goofy.

00:21:53.855 --> 00:21:57.156
Really, he waved
at Stevie Wonder."
what the fuck?

00:21:57.190 --> 00:22:01.059
It's like wow.

00:22:01.093 --> 00:22:05.195
And then what did he do?

00:22:05.229 --> 00:22:07.396
"he took a lot of vacations."
and then what happened?

00:22:07.431 --> 00:22:08.797
"we got attacked."
by who?

00:22:08.832 --> 00:22:10.665
"Osama bin Laden."
the guy from Afghanistan?

00:22:10.700 --> 00:22:12.967
Didn't we used
to send him weapons?
"yeah, I know."

00:22:13.001 --> 00:22:15.102
We went after him, right?
"yeah." did we get him?

00:22:15.137 --> 00:22:18.807
"almost."
what do you mean almost?

00:22:18.841 --> 00:22:21.743
"we went after Hussein
because he had weapons
of mass destruction."

00:22:21.778 --> 00:22:24.046
That guy from Syria.
I knew that fuck would do this.

00:22:24.080 --> 00:22:26.049
"no, the one from Iraq."
Saddam Hussein?!

00:22:26.084 --> 00:22:28.586
Bush, senior, kicked his ass.
"yeah, he did."

00:22:28.620 --> 00:22:30.754
And we got him?
"oh fuck, we got him."

00:22:30.788 --> 00:22:33.657
And we found the weapons of
mass destruction? Because he
would tell you where they are.

00:22:33.691 --> 00:22:36.194
"well, they executed him."
fuck off!

00:22:36.228 --> 00:22:38.965
And did you get bin Laden?
"almost.

00:22:38.999 --> 00:22:42.367
We got four of his
number threes."
okay!

00:22:42.402 --> 00:22:45.870
But he's in Afghanistan.
"maybe.

00:22:45.905 --> 00:22:49.140
He might be in Pakistan."
let's go after him
in Pakistan.

00:22:49.174 --> 00:22:52.743
"there's a problem there.
They're allies and they have
weapons of mass destruction."

00:22:52.777 --> 00:22:55.212
Oh no!
What about the economy?

00:22:55.246 --> 00:22:58.146
"well, we had
to bail out the banks."
again? "fuck yeah!"

00:22:58.181 --> 00:23:02.250
And now who's the president?
"a black guy." oh yeah, right.

00:23:02.284 --> 00:23:04.485
Yeah yeah.

00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:07.353
There's a black
president and there's a latino
on the supreme court.

00:23:07.387 --> 00:23:11.320
"there is." oh my God!
Who's the president--
Jesse Jackson?

00:23:11.354 --> 00:23:15.022
"no, his name's
Barack Hussein Obama."
now you're fucking with me.

00:23:15.056 --> 00:23:17.256
Fuck off!

00:23:24.095 --> 00:23:26.229
And that's where
we find ourselves today.

00:23:26.264 --> 00:23:29.900
We have an african-american,
but he was not born in Africa.

00:23:29.934 --> 00:23:32.068
Even though the birthers are
going, "he was born in Africa!"

00:23:32.102 --> 00:23:35.003
Yes, and his campaign
was financed by a Nigerian
prince on the intenet.

00:23:35.038 --> 00:23:37.305
Come with me, my friend.

00:23:37.340 --> 00:23:40.742
It's like their worst nightmare
would have been at the
inauguration going,

00:23:40.776 --> 00:23:43.844
"Mr. Obama, you are now
President of the United States."

00:23:43.878 --> 00:23:47.080
( African tribal chanting )

00:23:52.319 --> 00:23:55.754
Hillary, work the booty,
work the booty, work the booty.

00:23:55.789 --> 00:23:57.623
What the fuck?

00:23:59.326 --> 00:24:02.094
And you have
to break his name down.
It's Barack-- blessing,

00:24:02.129 --> 00:24:03.529
Hussein--
we know who that is,

00:24:03.563 --> 00:24:06.331
Obama-- it's an old Kenyan
word for Kennedy, cool!

00:24:08.268 --> 00:24:11.536
The moment he was elected,
caucasian guilt dropped lower
than the stock market.

00:24:11.570 --> 00:24:14.204
It was like a brother
be going, "my man, could
you spe a dollar?"

00:24:14.238 --> 00:24:16.239
I'm sorry, my good fellow,
but I voted for Obama.

00:24:16.273 --> 00:24:18.808
Good fucking luck.
Take care.

00:24:18.842 --> 00:24:20.409
( groans )

00:24:20.444 --> 00:24:24.179
And now you have Michelle.
Michelle-- oh my God,
girl, please!

00:24:24.213 --> 00:24:25.346
Mmmm!

00:24:25.380 --> 00:24:27.414
Yeah, baby, oooh!

00:24:27.448 --> 00:24:30.448
Like a combination
Jackie Onassis and
Serena Williams,

00:24:30.483 --> 00:24:32.117
Way to go.

00:24:32.151 --> 00:24:35.219
She is so elegant
and she's got guns too,

00:24:35.253 --> 00:24:38.321
Which is kinda cool.
But you get the feeling,
as elegant as she is,

00:24:38.356 --> 00:24:41.858
If you dis her man,
she will fuck your shit up.

00:24:41.892 --> 00:24:43.593
Mmm!

00:24:44.995 --> 00:24:49.364
She will.
She will open
a can of whupass.

00:24:49.398 --> 00:24:52.933
She will go from "yes, we can"
to "oh, no you didn't."

00:24:54.669 --> 00:24:57.604
And Obama got heckled
in Congress.

00:24:57.638 --> 00:25:00.706
What the fuck is that?
That would not have happened
if Cheney were there.

00:25:00.740 --> 00:25:02.274
If Cheney were there--
oh no.

00:25:02.308 --> 00:25:05.576
If someone had heckled "w"
Cheney would be like, bam!

00:25:07.312 --> 00:25:09.746
Yeah!

00:25:11.716 --> 00:25:14.851
( mimics cocking guns )
"anybody else got a problem?"

00:25:16.387 --> 00:25:20.055
Cheney shot a man
in the face hunting quail.

00:25:21.257 --> 00:25:23.225
I don't know about
east coast quail,

00:25:23.259 --> 00:25:25.760
but California quail
are this fucking big.

00:25:25.794 --> 00:25:29.663
You gotta drop kick them then
get them in the air going bam!

00:25:29.697 --> 00:25:31.831
"shit happens!"

00:25:31.866 --> 00:25:35.034
And I love Cheney
at the inauguration looking
like old man potter.

00:25:35.068 --> 00:25:38.771
Like, "good luck
with the economy, little
African prince. Ha ha ha!

00:25:40.773 --> 00:25:43.574
Take care, Simba.
Ha ha ha."

00:25:46.011 --> 00:25:48.978
And he was
transforming as we speak.
The last few years

00:25:49.013 --> 00:25:51.313
He's been turning slowly
but surely into gollum.

00:25:51.348 --> 00:25:55.249
Like, "they don't likes us.
Don't give a shit!
Not caring why.

00:25:55.284 --> 00:25:57.752
Halliburton is the precious.
It's the precious."

00:25:57.786 --> 00:26:01.088
And he's become
an archetype now.
It's the type of thing

00:26:01.122 --> 00:26:04.557
that if you want to
frighten a little child,
you just have to say,

00:26:04.592 --> 00:26:06.159
"if you're not good,

00:26:06.194 --> 00:26:08.294
The Cheneyman
will get you."

00:26:09.429 --> 00:26:11.497
( cackles )

00:26:11.531 --> 00:26:13.232
Nooooo!

00:26:13.266 --> 00:26:16.167
And what's "w" doing now?
He's a motivational speaker.

00:26:16.201 --> 00:26:17.835
Kinda cool.

00:26:17.869 --> 00:26:20.603
It's kinda
like having Lindsey Lohan
as a guidance counselor.

00:26:22.938 --> 00:26:25.772
Way to go.

00:26:25.806 --> 00:26:29.842
And I love-- I love
the fact that they're
talking about opening

00:26:29.876 --> 00:26:32.710
the George W. Bush library,
which I think, wow!

00:26:32.745 --> 00:26:36.713
That's kind of like
the Colonel Sanders
Culinary Academy.

00:26:36.747 --> 00:26:40.182
Just the concept alone boggles your mind.

00:26:40.216 --> 00:26:43.484
And they've already talked about
making it very interactive,

00:26:43.519 --> 00:26:46.520
which I think is code
for "not so many books."

00:26:48.222 --> 00:26:50.657
And I hope they have some
of his great quotes
on the walls,

00:26:50.691 --> 00:26:53.292
like, "a lot of our imports
come from other countries."

00:26:53.326 --> 00:26:56.261
Yes!

00:26:56.296 --> 00:26:59.998
"the question that's
never asked: Is our
children learning?"

00:27:00.033 --> 00:27:02.033
Didn't know that.

00:27:02.068 --> 00:27:06.271
"people misunderestimate me."
that's not even a fucking word.
Way to go!

00:27:06.306 --> 00:27:08.641
And you've got to cut "w"
some slack, man.

00:27:08.676 --> 00:27:12.345
He comes from a family
where the smart brother is
named Jeb, number one.

00:27:12.379 --> 00:27:15.013
And he had a wicked
coke problem.

00:27:15.048 --> 00:27:16.816
And why did
he have to stop doing blow?

00:27:16.850 --> 00:27:18.484
Because I believe one day
he was like,

00:27:18.519 --> 00:27:20.920
"shit, my mom's
on the dollar bill!
God damn.

00:27:21.988 --> 00:27:25.190
Gotta cut this shit out."

00:27:25.224 --> 00:27:28.659
And near the end of his term,
even world leaders were
dissing his ass.

00:27:28.694 --> 00:27:31.462
There'd be the world economic
leaders conference and they'd
all be up there,

00:27:31.496 --> 00:27:34.931
Going, "oh, shit,
here comes skippy.
Fuck off."

00:27:34.965 --> 00:27:37.866
And he'd be up there like
a kid at a graduation, like,
"nobody likes me.

00:27:37.901 --> 00:27:40.469
This is bullshit.
This is crazy-ass shit."

00:27:40.503 --> 00:27:43.938
But there was one guy
who treated "w" with kindness
and respect.

00:27:43.972 --> 00:27:46.140
And that man was Tony Blair.

00:27:46.174 --> 00:27:49.443
Tony Blair and "w" was like
the United Nations production
of "Rainman."

00:27:49.477 --> 00:27:51.911
It was wonderful.

00:27:51.946 --> 00:27:54.347
There was sweetness.

00:27:54.381 --> 00:27:56.982
Tony--
Tony'd be going to "w,"

00:27:57.017 --> 00:27:59.051
"'w,' do you know
the price of gas?"

00:27:59.085 --> 00:28:02.321
"definitely don't
know the price of gas.
Don't know the price of gas."

00:28:04.223 --> 00:28:06.357
"do you have an economic
stimulus package?"

00:28:06.392 --> 00:28:08.459
"definitely have
an economic stimulus package.
Might work.

00:28:08.493 --> 00:28:11.660
Definitely might work.
Give each and every american
over the age of 20

00:28:11.695 --> 00:28:13.763
$1 million.
Tax them at a flat
tax rate of 10%.

00:28:13.797 --> 00:28:17.099
Gives back the government
$100,000, gives each and every
person $900,000.

00:28:17.133 --> 00:28:20.101
Might stimulate
locally and personally.
Definitely might work.

00:28:20.136 --> 00:28:22.202
Definitely might work."

00:28:22.237 --> 00:28:25.605
"but 'w'-- 'w,' do you
know the price of gas?"

00:28:25.639 --> 00:28:27.541
"definitely don't know
the price of gas."

00:28:27.575 --> 00:28:30.243
And the definition
of insanity is

00:28:30.277 --> 00:28:32.445
Repeating the same action,
expecting a different outcome.

00:28:32.479 --> 00:28:34.580
We elected
him the second time,
the whole world went,

00:28:34.614 --> 00:28:37.415
"what the fuck is going on
with you people?"

00:28:37.450 --> 00:28:40.418
But now we still
have comedy though.

00:28:40.452 --> 00:28:42.319
We still have
great comedy out there.

00:28:42.354 --> 00:28:45.489
There's always
rambling Joe Biden.
What the fuck?

00:28:45.523 --> 00:28:50.059
Joe says things that even people
with tourette's go, "no.

00:28:50.094 --> 00:28:51.827
No.

00:28:51.862 --> 00:28:54.029
What is going on?"

00:28:54.063 --> 00:28:55.864
Joe is like your uncle

00:28:55.898 --> 00:28:59.567
Who's on a new drug
and hasn't got the dosage right.

00:28:59.601 --> 00:29:03.102
"I'm proud to work
with Barack america."
he's not a superhero, you idiot.

00:29:03.137 --> 00:29:05.838
Come mere.
"when F.D.R was was
on television..."

00:29:05.872 --> 00:29:09.907
There was no TV back then.
Come here, Joe. Bzzzt!
Sit down.

00:29:09.941 --> 00:29:12.909
And then you always have
Senators willing to push
the comedy envelope.

00:29:12.944 --> 00:29:15.678
Like Senator Larry Craig--
a guy who tried to pick up

00:29:15.713 --> 00:29:18.114
a man in a men's room
by morse code.

00:29:19.650 --> 00:29:21.783
How the fuck do you do that?
How do you go,

00:29:21.818 --> 00:29:24.752
"will... You...
Blow... Me?"

00:29:24.786 --> 00:29:28.188
Maybe.

00:29:30.524 --> 00:29:32.892
And...

00:29:32.926 --> 00:29:35.494
There's always Governor Sanford.
He's a piece of work.

00:29:35.529 --> 00:29:37.596
"I'm going for a hike
on the Appalachian Trail."

00:29:37.630 --> 00:29:39.331
Where does it end?
"Patagonia

00:29:39.365 --> 00:29:41.266
Oh, fuck off.

00:29:41.300 --> 00:29:43.234
And if always,
if you want comedy

00:29:43.268 --> 00:29:45.903
there is always Sarah Palin.
God bless.

00:29:45.938 --> 00:29:48.606
She is wonderful.
Sarah...

00:29:48.640 --> 00:29:52.608
Sarah is
a self-opening piñata.
She is a gift.

00:29:52.643 --> 00:29:55.644
How did they find her?
Was it "project running mate"?

00:29:55.679 --> 00:29:57.846
Is that how they got her?

00:29:57.880 --> 00:30:02.316
Did Ronald Reagan have
a kid with Vanna White and drop
it off in Alaska?

00:30:03.918 --> 00:30:06.686
And it was raised by wolves
and that's why she hunts them?

00:30:06.721 --> 00:30:09.021
"you're not my dad.
You're not my dad."

00:30:10.290 --> 00:30:12.057
And she says amazing things

00:30:12.091 --> 00:30:15.660
Like, "I know about Russia
because I can see it
from my backyard."

00:30:15.694 --> 00:30:18.395
You have super vision,
number one.

00:30:18.429 --> 00:30:21.064
I can see San Quentin
from my backyard

00:30:21.098 --> 00:30:22.865
but that doesn't qualify me
on prison reform.

00:30:22.900 --> 00:30:26.202
What the fuck?
And it's incredible too.

00:30:26.236 --> 00:30:28.604
She said, "polar bears
are not endangered.
They're just unlucky."

00:30:28.638 --> 00:30:30.405
Oh, really?

00:30:30.440 --> 00:30:34.075
And who knew Katie Couric was
the cutting edge of journalism

00:30:34.109 --> 00:30:37.411
with ambush questions like,
"what do you read?"

00:30:40.681 --> 00:30:43.148
"well...

00:30:44.650 --> 00:30:48.585
Well, that's
a trick question."

00:30:49.487 --> 00:30:52.923
Not if you read, no.

00:30:52.957 --> 00:30:55.325
You know the basic difference
between her and Cheney?

00:30:55.360 --> 00:30:57.060
She shoots you,
game over.

00:30:57.094 --> 00:31:00.797
She will have you gutted
and standing on the wall
next to Barbara Walters.

00:31:00.831 --> 00:31:03.766
In the last few days
of the election

00:31:03.801 --> 00:31:05.769
she got really sexy.
She let the hair down.

00:31:05.803 --> 00:31:08.304
I thought the last day
of the election she was
gonna pop the Prada

00:31:08.338 --> 00:31:10.005
And be like... "yeah!

00:31:10.040 --> 00:31:13.509
How do you like my northern
slopes now, boys?

00:31:13.544 --> 00:31:17.279
Drill, baby.
Drill, baby, drill."

00:31:17.313 --> 00:31:19.614
And do you think the whole time
she was running for office

00:31:19.649 --> 00:31:20.982
Clinton was sitting
at home going,

00:31:21.016 --> 00:31:23.050
"where was she when
I was in office?

00:31:23.051 --> 00:31:25.019
Shit.

00:31:25.053 --> 00:31:27.020
God damn.

00:31:31.325 --> 00:31:33.726
She is hot.
Whoa.

00:31:33.760 --> 00:31:37.229
That's a milf.
That's a mother I'd like
to filibuster. Yeah."

00:31:38.565 --> 00:31:40.566
And Bill did some
good work recently.

00:31:40.600 --> 00:31:42.634
He went to North Korea,
got the two girls home.

00:31:42.669 --> 00:31:45.036
Way to go, Bill.
Way to go. Got them back.
Way to go.

00:31:45.071 --> 00:31:47.271
Good job.

00:31:47.306 --> 00:31:50.207
But I wanted to be in
the room when Kim Jong il
came in the room

00:31:50.241 --> 00:31:54.278
and went,
"so, Bill Clinton.

00:31:54.312 --> 00:31:58.013
You bring me the pictures
I asked you for?

00:32:01.684 --> 00:32:04.284
I have on my big boy
glasses.

00:32:05.520 --> 00:32:08.254
I want those pictures
and Clay Aiken."

00:32:10.259 --> 00:32:11.659
"why do you want
Clay Aiken?"

00:32:11.694 --> 00:32:13.927
"you know why
I want Clay Aiken.

00:32:13.962 --> 00:32:16.196
That's how I 'roro.'

00:32:16.230 --> 00:32:18.731
That's how I 'rororo.'

00:32:18.766 --> 00:32:21.167
That's what I like."

00:32:21.201 --> 00:32:23.870
And you think when Bill
got back from North Korea

00:32:23.904 --> 00:32:26.305
And Hillary got back
from Africa, that was
a rough dinner?

00:32:26.340 --> 00:32:29.108
Hillary went,
"Bill, congratulations
on North Korea."

00:32:29.143 --> 00:32:32.445
"we'll baby,
it was a happy ending.
Shit, wrong words."

00:32:32.479 --> 00:32:34.780
"come again, Bill?"

00:32:34.815 --> 00:32:36.716
"not this time, baby.
Not this time."

00:32:36.750 --> 00:32:38.951
And people
got mad at Hillary

00:32:38.986 --> 00:32:40.820
that she didn't go
trailer park on Bill's ass

00:32:40.855 --> 00:32:42.322
during the Monica
Lewinsky thing.

00:32:42.356 --> 00:32:44.490
That she didn't start throwing
his shit on the white House lawn

00:32:44.525 --> 00:32:47.593
Like, "Bill Clinton,
you lying sack of shit!

00:32:47.628 --> 00:32:50.496
How could you find the only
Jewish girl who couldn't
get a stain out?

00:32:50.531 --> 00:32:53.433
You asshole!

00:32:53.467 --> 00:32:54.968
Damn you!"

00:32:55.002 --> 00:32:57.436
And he'd be on the lawn
like an episode of "Cops"

00:32:57.471 --> 00:32:59.472
Going, "I love you, baby!

00:32:59.506 --> 00:33:03.342
Depends on what your
definition of is is.

00:33:03.377 --> 00:33:05.444
And when Hillary
ran for president

00:33:05.479 --> 00:33:08.147
there were a lot of guys
going, "I don't know about
a woman president."

00:33:08.182 --> 00:33:09.982
What are you worried about?
You worried every 28 days

00:33:10.017 --> 00:33:12.651
She'll be going,
"I can't talk to Putin.
Not today.

00:33:12.685 --> 00:33:17.185
I'm just gonna balance my budget
and watch my stories."

00:33:17.220 --> 00:33:20.453
She's in her 60s.
She has her own global
warming right now,

00:33:20.487 --> 00:33:22.422
Number one.

00:33:22.456 --> 00:33:24.858
She is one tough ass woman.

00:33:24.892 --> 00:33:26.559
And you don't necessarily
want sexy.

00:33:26.593 --> 00:33:29.428
I know when Sarah ran
a lot of guys are going,
"she energizes my base."

00:33:29.463 --> 00:33:31.963
Yeah, all right.
But necessarily--

00:33:31.997 --> 00:33:34.765
Sexy and world leaders,
not necessarily the case.

00:33:34.799 --> 00:33:36.233
Especially with female
world leaders.

00:33:36.267 --> 00:33:38.967
Throughout history--
Elizabeth I, Catherine
the Great,

00:33:39.002 --> 00:33:40.469
Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi--

00:33:40.503 --> 00:33:42.003
These are women you may
not want to fuck,

00:33:42.037 --> 00:33:44.204
but you definitely don't want
to fuck with them.

00:33:44.238 --> 00:33:47.672
They are scary women.
Oh my God.

00:33:47.706 --> 00:33:49.940
Whoo.

00:33:49.975 --> 00:33:53.442
And if you don't think a woman
can handle a military situation,

00:33:53.477 --> 00:33:55.777
ask the argentineans.
They were going,

00:33:55.811 --> 00:33:58.246
"Margaret Thatcher, that crazy
coño sank a battleship.

00:33:58.280 --> 00:33:59.881
She is nuts."

00:33:59.915 --> 00:34:02.016
She was Julia Child
on steroids going,

00:34:02.050 --> 00:34:05.585
"I will sink your shit
right now.

00:34:05.620 --> 00:34:08.588
I will open a can of whupass
on you little brown men.

00:34:08.621 --> 00:34:11.724
I will do it right now."

00:34:11.757 --> 00:34:16.094
And you have to look
at the English Royal Family
and realize

00:34:16.130 --> 00:34:19.098
all that money
and no dental plan.
How sad.

00:34:20.934 --> 00:34:23.168
So sad indeed.

00:34:23.203 --> 00:34:26.204
But if you want
sex in politics

00:34:26.237 --> 00:34:27.906
the French are always
there to top everyone.

00:34:27.940 --> 00:34:30.342
The French have
a president, Sarkozy,

00:34:30.376 --> 00:34:32.877
whose wife fucked Mick Jagger.
Way to go.

00:34:32.911 --> 00:34:36.447
The French look at
the Americans like, "top that,
little puritans.

00:34:36.482 --> 00:34:38.550
Take care."

00:34:38.583 --> 00:34:40.418
And I believe there's one man
we could run for office

00:34:40.453 --> 00:34:42.219
that even the French
would go, "fuck off."

00:34:42.255 --> 00:34:45.523
That man is Jack Nicholson.
Yes!

00:34:46.525 --> 00:34:48.859
Oh yeah, baby.

00:34:48.893 --> 00:34:51.928
He's nuts.
You'll never have a sex
scandal with Jack

00:34:51.963 --> 00:34:54.929
because he has
fucked everyone.

00:34:54.963 --> 00:34:59.632
I had Angelina Jolie
and afterwards she adopted me.

00:35:01.267 --> 00:35:03.566
What?

00:35:03.601 --> 00:35:06.035
And he's done every known
drug known to mankind.

00:35:06.069 --> 00:35:07.904
He'd be the only guy
in the world that Keith Richards
would go,

00:35:07.938 --> 00:35:10.673
"I have to go home now, Jack.

00:35:13.108 --> 00:35:15.208
No, I really do.
It's fucking over."

00:35:16.477 --> 00:35:19.412
Where you running, you pussy?
Get back here.

00:35:19.446 --> 00:35:22.081
It's so weird too.
If you elect celebrities

00:35:22.115 --> 00:35:23.382
it's always not a great idea.

00:35:23.416 --> 00:35:26.151
Because in California
we are a 60% hispanic state.

00:35:26.186 --> 00:35:28.620
We elected
an Austrian Governor.

00:35:28.654 --> 00:35:31.956
Even old nazis are going,
"that's weird."

00:35:34.092 --> 00:35:36.427
He has a hard time
even saying the name
of the state.

00:35:36.461 --> 00:35:38.795
Arnold, where are
you Governor?
"Caforna."

00:35:40.131 --> 00:35:42.531
What?
"Cafornaa."

00:35:42.566 --> 00:35:46.234
And he's married
to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver,

00:35:46.269 --> 00:35:49.604
Who has been getting thinner
and fucking thinner
and smaller.

00:35:49.639 --> 00:35:53.173
I believe he is sucking
the Kennedy out of her.

00:35:53.208 --> 00:35:55.175
Shh.

00:35:56.944 --> 00:36:00.913
Slowly but surely becoming
a Kennedy by assimilation.

00:36:00.948 --> 00:36:04.016
Which is kind of cool.
That's how you get a liberal
Republican, which is neat.

00:36:04.050 --> 00:36:05.685
It's like a Volvo
with a gun rack.

00:36:05.719 --> 00:36:07.653
You don't see
a lot of them.

00:36:07.688 --> 00:36:11.590
And in terms
of energy policies--

00:36:11.624 --> 00:36:14.492
21st century.
Stem cell research--
21st century.

00:36:14.527 --> 00:36:17.161
Immigration--
Arnold's a little old school.

00:36:17.196 --> 00:36:19.030
Arnold, how will you
handle immigration?

00:36:19.064 --> 00:36:20.665
"I will build a wall."

00:36:20.699 --> 00:36:24.301
And even the Chinese go,
"that will not fucking work.

00:36:26.637 --> 00:36:28.504
They will go around
around your wall.

00:36:28.538 --> 00:36:30.639
And who will build the wall?

00:36:30.673 --> 00:36:33.007
The people you are trying
to fucking keep out."

00:36:34.542 --> 00:36:37.809
So maybe you want to invent some
self-picking fruit real quickly.

00:36:37.843 --> 00:36:39.610
Come with me right now.

00:36:39.644 --> 00:36:41.844
And...

00:36:41.879 --> 00:36:45.080
In California we barely
balanced the budget.

00:36:45.114 --> 00:36:47.415
They were coming up
with weird alternatives
to balance the budget

00:36:47.449 --> 00:36:50.750
like selling San Quentin
as real estate.
What the fuck?

00:36:50.784 --> 00:36:54.286
Is this like, are you going to
open some sort of severe spa?

00:36:54.320 --> 00:36:56.687
These are the lovely
sodomy suites.

00:36:56.722 --> 00:36:58.089
Come with me over here.

00:36:58.123 --> 00:37:00.324
Don't sit in that chair...
Zzzp... Too late.

00:37:00.358 --> 00:37:02.259
Thank you.

00:37:02.293 --> 00:37:04.260
And they're gonna
close Guantanamo.

00:37:04.294 --> 00:37:05.761
And I go, what are you
gonna open there?

00:37:05.795 --> 00:37:07.962
Maybe an amusement park.
We'll call is Muslim Mountain.

00:37:07.996 --> 00:37:11.064
It'll be cool.
What will the water slide be?

00:37:11.099 --> 00:37:13.201
We strap you to a board
and send you head first
in to a pool.

00:37:13.235 --> 00:37:14.969
Good luck.

00:37:15.004 --> 00:37:17.840
And where are they gonna send
all those guys from Guantanamo?

00:37:17.875 --> 00:37:21.043
People in Texas are going,
"we'll take 'em."

00:37:21.077 --> 00:37:24.479
Zzzp... No, you can't--
zzzp... No!

00:37:24.513 --> 00:37:27.314
And the whole budget crisis,

00:37:27.349 --> 00:37:30.451
The whole manic recession,
we've just come through this
manic recession.

00:37:30.486 --> 00:37:32.620
Remember the banks saying,
"we're too big to fail"?

00:37:32.654 --> 00:37:35.323
It's like saying
too fat to diet.
What are you doing?

00:37:35.357 --> 00:37:39.127
Remember they came to us going,
"we need $500 billion"?

00:37:39.161 --> 00:37:41.696
We went, okay, here you go.
A week later...

00:37:41.730 --> 00:37:43.865
"we need some more."

00:37:43.899 --> 00:37:46.535
You fuckers are economic
freebasing.

00:37:46.570 --> 00:37:48.070
What are you doing?

00:37:48.104 --> 00:37:50.672
They're like a group of junkies
who've relapsed and are going,

00:37:50.707 --> 00:37:52.308
"oh my man, listen.

00:37:52.342 --> 00:37:55.711
I just need some liquidity,
you know what I'm saying?

00:37:55.746 --> 00:37:59.214
I just ran into some bad
subprime, you know?

00:37:59.248 --> 00:38:01.283
We had some complex
formulas.

00:38:01.317 --> 00:38:03.751
We just didn't factor
in greed and panic.

00:38:03.786 --> 00:38:05.653
Yeah.

00:38:05.687 --> 00:38:09.423
I just need $805 billion
by Tuesday.

00:38:09.457 --> 00:38:13.426
I would not fuck you again."

00:38:13.460 --> 00:38:16.294
My God, it was insane.
In the midst of all this,

00:38:16.329 --> 00:38:17.629
there was Bernie Madoff.

00:38:17.663 --> 00:38:20.464
An embezzler named
"made-off."

00:38:22.600 --> 00:38:24.667
Hmm. Yes.

00:38:27.136 --> 00:38:29.637
Was the name not a clue?

00:38:29.671 --> 00:38:32.105
Did he have to be with
the accounting firm

00:38:32.140 --> 00:38:36.075
of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe?

00:38:36.109 --> 00:38:38.243
And now Bernie's in prison

00:38:38.277 --> 00:38:40.478
where insider trading
is a whole other game.

00:38:41.946 --> 00:38:44.081
The bull market is what your ass
will bear, motherfucker.

00:38:44.115 --> 00:38:46.283
Let's do this.
Mm-hmm.

00:38:46.317 --> 00:38:48.685
Payback's a bitch.
Yeah.

00:38:48.719 --> 00:38:51.087
And then the automobile
companies needed help.

00:38:51.121 --> 00:38:52.422
And I thought,
wait a minute.

00:38:52.456 --> 00:38:53.657
Wouldn't it be cool
is the oil companies

00:38:53.692 --> 00:38:55.393
gave a little money to
the automobile companies?

00:38:55.428 --> 00:38:57.261
I know it's like your dealer
paying for rehab,

00:38:57.296 --> 00:38:59.161
but why not?
Give it a shot.

00:38:59.196 --> 00:39:01.565
And now we're trying to get
off the petroleum titty.

00:39:01.600 --> 00:39:03.634
It's like
we're trying to kick it.
And how are we doing this?

00:39:03.669 --> 00:39:05.469
We're looking for
alternative fuels.

00:39:05.503 --> 00:39:08.705
Some of the alternative fuels
are a hydrogen powered car.

00:39:08.739 --> 00:39:11.042
Cool idea.
If you're thinking of
a hydrogen powered car,

00:39:11.076 --> 00:39:13.776
I have one word for you--
Hindenburg. Good luck.

00:39:15.179 --> 00:39:17.546
A more interesting gas
and a lot more fun is helium.

00:39:17.581 --> 00:39:19.848
Number one with helium,
you could float over
the potholes.

00:39:19.882 --> 00:39:23.217
And if you get into an accident
you get out of the car
with road rage going...

00:39:23.252 --> 00:39:25.519
( high voice )
I'm gonna kick your ass.

00:39:25.553 --> 00:39:28.455
What?
Oh my God.

00:39:28.489 --> 00:39:31.424
I've got a fuel leak.
How weird is that?

00:39:31.458 --> 00:39:34.027
I can't kick your ass.
I sound like a chipmunk.

00:39:34.061 --> 00:39:35.495
This is nuts.

00:39:35.529 --> 00:39:37.930
Look at all the clowns getting
out of the trunk of my car.

00:39:37.964 --> 00:39:39.964
Fuck off.

00:39:39.999 --> 00:39:41.533
And I've found another
alternative fuel.

00:39:41.567 --> 00:39:43.568
And I found it by accident.

00:39:43.602 --> 00:39:46.403
I was having my morning coffee,
and I have my morning coffee
for two reasons.

00:39:46.437 --> 00:39:49.506
One, to kick start my brain.
Number two, and more
importantly,

00:39:49.540 --> 00:39:51.874
to jumpstart my colon.
More importantly.

00:39:51.908 --> 00:39:53.809
The moment I have my morning
coffee it's like,

00:39:53.843 --> 00:39:56.678
morning, everybody.
Fire in the hole!

00:39:56.712 --> 00:39:59.714
Son, open
the bathroom door.

00:39:59.748 --> 00:40:01.582
I don't care if
you're rubbing one out,

00:40:01.616 --> 00:40:04.817
I've got to drop a resume.
Open the door.

00:40:04.852 --> 00:40:07.753
And even the dog is going,
"he's leaking methane!"

00:40:09.822 --> 00:40:12.456
There's a dead canary
in the corner like...

00:40:12.491 --> 00:40:14.723
And I went, wait a minute.

00:40:14.758 --> 00:40:16.925
I'm leaking methane.

00:40:16.959 --> 00:40:18.860
I'm my own fuel source.

00:40:18.894 --> 00:40:20.528
How about this
for a new car?

00:40:20.562 --> 00:40:22.963
The new ford colon.
How about this?

00:40:22.997 --> 00:40:25.265
Here's the ad:

00:40:25.299 --> 00:40:27.767
Me shirt, no pants,
tube in my ass.

00:40:29.203 --> 00:40:31.203
Hi, I'm Robin Williams.

00:40:31.237 --> 00:40:33.306
I've just had
a black bean burrito.

00:40:33.340 --> 00:40:37.777
That's right,
I'm gonna drive all the way
from San Francisco

00:40:37.811 --> 00:40:40.112
to Washington, D.C.

00:40:40.146 --> 00:40:44.449
Yup, the shit's hit the fan
and it's powering my car.

00:40:45.951 --> 00:40:48.986
Won't you join us?
Fuck green, go brown.

00:40:49.020 --> 00:40:50.687
Come on.

00:40:50.722 --> 00:40:53.156
Come with us now.

00:41:00.129 --> 00:41:02.697
Another alternative fuel
is ethanol.

00:41:02.732 --> 00:41:05.066
And people from the South
are going, "that's moonshine,
motherfucker."

00:41:05.100 --> 00:41:06.701
Damn right.

00:41:06.735 --> 00:41:08.403
And ethanol is pure
grain alcohol.

00:41:08.437 --> 00:41:11.239
No better car in the world to
drive if you're an alcoholic.

00:41:11.273 --> 00:41:14.476
If you get stopped by
the police you can get out
of the car going,

00:41:14.510 --> 00:41:16.911
"officer, I've had
a few cocktails.

00:41:16.945 --> 00:41:20.214
My car, however,
is totally fucked up."

00:41:21.949 --> 00:41:23.716
Even the cheap gas
in the car is going,

00:41:23.751 --> 00:41:25.585
"I don't know where
the fuck I am

00:41:25.619 --> 00:41:29.154
a God damn tree just
jumped out at me."

00:41:30.457 --> 00:41:34.460
And Hyundai makes a car
that can park itself.

00:41:34.494 --> 00:41:36.995
I'm going, where the fuck were
you when I was drinking?

00:41:37.029 --> 00:41:38.762
God damn!

00:41:38.796 --> 00:41:41.664
What a great car.
You get in the car
a little loaded going,

00:41:41.699 --> 00:41:43.833
Shall I drive home?
Fuck yeah.

00:41:43.867 --> 00:41:47.336
And before you do,
blow me.

00:41:47.370 --> 00:41:50.839
And what a great new car.
The new Ford fellatio.

00:41:50.873 --> 00:41:52.373
That would be a car.

00:41:52.408 --> 00:41:55.276
It gets you off
before it gets you there.

00:41:55.310 --> 00:41:59.112
And most cars now have G.P.S.
which is kind of cool.

00:41:59.146 --> 00:42:02.182
I have a G.P.S. in my car.
I was driving across
the Golden Gate Bridge.

00:42:02.216 --> 00:42:04.283
I was halfway across and all
of a sudden the car went,

00:42:04.317 --> 00:42:07.084
"take a right turn."

00:42:07.119 --> 00:42:08.852
What?

00:42:08.887 --> 00:42:11.922
No can do, Hal.

00:42:11.956 --> 00:42:15.458
I'm not that
depressed really.

00:42:15.492 --> 00:42:18.460
And the car went,
"really, Robin? I saw
'Bicentennial Man.'"

00:42:18.495 --> 00:42:20.629
Shut the fuck up!

00:42:20.664 --> 00:42:22.798
Damn you.

00:42:26.502 --> 00:42:28.436
And it's a bitchy
english voice too.

00:42:28.470 --> 00:42:31.038
It goes, "in one quarter mile,
take a right turn.

00:42:31.072 --> 00:42:34.941
In one eighth mile
take a right turn.

00:42:34.976 --> 00:42:38.044
There it was.

00:42:39.680 --> 00:42:42.181
You missed it, Magellan.

00:42:42.215 --> 00:42:44.116
Shall I reroute?

00:42:44.150 --> 00:42:46.051
I who has access
to 12 satellites?

00:42:46.085 --> 00:42:48.353
You who doesn't look at
a fucking piece of paper?"

00:42:48.387 --> 00:42:51.822
And maybe they should have
a G.P.S. that ages with you.

00:42:51.856 --> 00:42:53.690
It becomes age appropriate.
So eventually the car's going,

00:42:53.724 --> 00:42:56.059
"there's your turn!
Hello!

00:42:56.093 --> 00:42:58.162
No no, that's not it.
Maybe the next one.

00:42:58.197 --> 00:42:59.962
That could be it.
That might be it.

00:42:59.996 --> 00:43:03.398
Yeah, that's the one.
There used to be a gas
station there, yeah.

00:43:04.533 --> 00:43:06.266
<i>Yeah.</i>

00:43:06.301 --> 00:43:07.934
Right.

00:43:07.969 --> 00:43:10.603
That's when gas was
a nickel a gallon.

00:43:10.637 --> 00:43:12.706
That's it, yeah."

00:43:12.740 --> 00:43:17.043
I want a Scottish G.P.S.
'cause I think that would
be an honest G.P.S.

00:43:17.078 --> 00:43:19.145
It would be going,
"there's your turn.

00:43:19.179 --> 00:43:22.214
You fucking missed it,
you idiot.

00:43:23.516 --> 00:43:25.383
Take another fucking
right turn.

00:43:25.418 --> 00:43:27.118
Take one more
fucking right turn

00:43:27.152 --> 00:43:29.119
Take one more fucking
right turn.

00:43:29.154 --> 00:43:32.052
Ooh, there's
your fucking view.

00:43:32.087 --> 00:43:34.087
Yeah!"

00:43:37.724 --> 00:43:40.993
They say that Bob Dillon
is gonna be making a G.P.S.

00:43:41.027 --> 00:43:43.662
I want that G.P.S.

00:43:43.696 --> 00:43:47.632
"driving down the road.
Up ahead there's a light.

00:43:47.666 --> 00:43:50.801
Very soon very soon you're
gonna have to take a right.

00:43:50.835 --> 00:43:52.202
Driving along,
driving along,

00:43:52.237 --> 00:43:53.837
Driving in the land
of the free.

00:43:53.871 --> 00:43:56.440
So remember to pull off,
you have to take a pee.

00:43:56.474 --> 00:43:58.208
Do it now.

00:43:58.242 --> 00:44:00.510
Pull up ahead.
Don't try to stop.

00:44:00.544 --> 00:44:02.712
Oh God, oh God.
Look out, there's a cop.

00:44:02.747 --> 00:44:05.715
Look out.
I'm just trying to direct you

00:44:05.749 --> 00:44:08.317
As one wealthy hebrew."

00:44:14.426 --> 00:44:17.593
And it's cool now.
If you see someone driving alone

00:44:17.627 --> 00:44:19.728
Talking like this...

00:44:19.762 --> 00:44:23.098
Hopefully they're
hands-free and not out
of their fucking mind.

00:44:23.132 --> 00:44:27.001
'cause in the old days
if you saw someone driving
and talking like...

00:44:27.035 --> 00:44:30.304
And they're alone you go,
change fucking lanes.

00:44:31.773 --> 00:44:35.008
And hands-free means hands
free to talk on the phone.

00:44:35.043 --> 00:44:38.578
This does not mean find another
activity for your hands,

00:44:38.612 --> 00:44:41.713
Like text messaging.
No no.

00:44:41.748 --> 00:44:44.115
Texting and driving
at the same time

00:44:44.149 --> 00:44:47.317
is like jerking off and juggling
at the same time.

00:44:47.352 --> 00:44:50.253
Too many balls in the air,
if you catch my drift.

00:44:50.288 --> 00:44:54.123
And unless you're gonna develop
an eye like a chameleon

00:44:54.158 --> 00:44:56.358
where one looks down
and one looks ahead,

00:44:56.393 --> 00:44:59.961
your brain will eventually go,
"I can't do this!

00:44:59.996 --> 00:45:03.498
I am intextificated.
This is insane."

00:45:03.532 --> 00:45:05.633
And when you get out
of the car

00:45:05.667 --> 00:45:08.035
take out the bluetooth,
o, Seven of Nine.

00:45:08.070 --> 00:45:11.005
Join us.
Come back, yes.

00:45:11.039 --> 00:45:14.040
Oh please.
It's all right.

00:45:18.679 --> 00:45:20.714
'cause you'll be wearing
the bluetooth and deaf people
are going,

00:45:20.748 --> 00:45:22.816
"are you hearing?
No, you're just an asshole
with a bluetooth.

00:45:22.850 --> 00:45:24.985
Fuck you."

00:45:25.019 --> 00:45:27.187
And then there's always that
awkward bluetooth conversation.

00:45:27.222 --> 00:45:29.289
You're in an elevator,
you can't see the bluetooth

00:45:29.323 --> 00:45:30.524
and some guy's going,
"hi, gorgeous."

00:45:30.558 --> 00:45:32.692
Thank you.
"not you. Fuck you.

00:45:32.726 --> 00:45:34.494
No, fuck you.
No, I want to fuck you.

00:45:34.528 --> 00:45:36.998
I don't want to fuck you.
Fuck you, God damn it."

00:45:37.032 --> 00:45:40.635
The homeless people are going,
"that's my act, you asshole.

00:45:40.670 --> 00:45:42.671
I talk to people.
I hear voices.

00:45:42.705 --> 00:45:45.206
I just don't have
call waiting. What the fuck?"

00:45:45.241 --> 00:45:47.675
And if you wear
a bluetooth 24/7,

00:45:47.710 --> 00:45:49.410
I'm sure there are no
long-term effects.

00:45:49.445 --> 00:45:51.179
( mumbles )

00:45:55.251 --> 00:45:58.118
And thank you for not filming
me with your phones tonight,

00:45:58.152 --> 00:45:59.752
Because phones
now are cameras.

00:45:59.787 --> 00:46:01.988
There was a lady
filming me the other night.
You could see 'em.

00:46:02.022 --> 00:46:04.823
There's a fucking
red light, bitch.
I see it.

00:46:04.857 --> 00:46:07.458
And I said, turn it off.
And she went, "how will
I remember?"

00:46:07.493 --> 00:46:09.693
I went, the old
fashioned way.

00:46:09.728 --> 00:46:13.063
You will have to tell
people what you saw.

00:46:13.097 --> 00:46:16.633
That you saw
a hairy comedian.

00:46:18.635 --> 00:46:20.836
Because you see,
it's not big brother anymore.

00:46:20.870 --> 00:46:22.671
It's little snitch.
It's like, I see you.
I fucking see you.

00:46:22.705 --> 00:46:24.273
I see you.
I fucking see you.

00:46:24.307 --> 00:46:26.441
And it's also too weird.
Because your phone--

00:46:26.476 --> 00:46:27.809
You can google
on your phone.

00:46:27.844 --> 00:46:29.343
I googled
the word corkscrew

00:46:29.378 --> 00:46:30.844
And it said,
"did you mean cocksucker?"

00:46:30.878 --> 00:46:33.012
No.

00:46:33.046 --> 00:46:35.781
But while you're there...

00:46:35.815 --> 00:46:39.050
And texting--
the whole texting thing--
I walked into a Starbucks,

00:46:39.084 --> 00:46:41.318
There were all these little
girls sitting around like
a cyber witch's coven.

00:46:41.353 --> 00:46:43.520
They were like...

00:46:43.554 --> 00:46:45.988
Not saying a fucking word.
Just...

00:46:48.058 --> 00:46:50.626
Finally one of them looked
up and went, "I know."

00:46:54.129 --> 00:46:56.496
And you twitter.
Twitter, or tweeting.

00:46:56.531 --> 00:46:58.699
It's not the root word.
It's not twit, it's tweet.
Okay, cool.

00:46:58.733 --> 00:47:00.601
Is it rude to twitter
during sex?

00:47:00.635 --> 00:47:03.003
To go, O.M.G.
O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.?

00:47:03.037 --> 00:47:05.872
Is that rude?

00:47:05.906 --> 00:47:07.473
And is there something
called clittoring

00:47:07.508 --> 00:47:09.842
where you play with the little
button on your Blackberry?

00:47:12.311 --> 00:47:14.912
What are you doing?
I'm clittoring. Ha ha ha!

00:47:17.114 --> 00:47:18.816
And Twitter broke
the other day.

00:47:18.850 --> 00:47:21.618
Twitter went down.
What the fuck happened to all
those people then?

00:47:21.652 --> 00:47:24.120
Where they like,
"my thumbs!

00:47:24.154 --> 00:47:26.422
My thumbs are moving
for no fucking reason!

00:47:26.456 --> 00:47:28.624
What the fuck is that?"
a book.

00:47:28.659 --> 00:47:30.527
( hisses )

00:47:33.797 --> 00:47:36.465
"who are you?"
dad.

00:47:38.134 --> 00:47:40.034
I'm miss you.

00:47:40.069 --> 00:47:43.104
Let's talk.

00:47:44.240 --> 00:47:45.707
When you walk
into their room--

00:47:45.741 --> 00:47:47.508
my son has four screens
going simultaneously.

00:47:47.543 --> 00:47:49.243
He's got a game on here,
he's playing a move over here.

00:47:49.278 --> 00:47:50.878
He's also downloading,
he's texting.

00:47:50.912 --> 00:47:53.114
He's got all this stuff
going and people go,
"that's A.D.D."

00:47:53.148 --> 00:47:55.950
I go, bullshit,
he's multitasking.
Fuck off.

00:47:55.984 --> 00:47:57.685
And then suddenly
I've become my father.

00:47:57.719 --> 00:47:59.253
Your mother
and I weren't online.

00:47:59.287 --> 00:48:02.356
We did lines, my friend.
I'll tell you that.

00:48:02.390 --> 00:48:04.959
You do 50,000 hits,
we did five hits.

00:48:04.993 --> 00:48:06.594
That's how much we needed.

00:48:06.628 --> 00:48:08.329
And we didn't have Twitter.
We had shitter.

00:48:08.363 --> 00:48:10.265
That was my chat room.

00:48:10.299 --> 00:48:13.735
We had useless conversations.
We just didn't fucking share
them with the world.

00:48:13.770 --> 00:48:16.039
What are you doing?
Oh, you're playing
with your wii.

00:48:16.073 --> 00:48:18.073
Oh, you got a joystick.
Yeah.

00:48:18.108 --> 00:48:20.809
I had a joystick growing up,
except mine was fucking
attached.

00:48:20.843 --> 00:48:23.077
Yeah.

00:48:23.112 --> 00:48:26.080
And it was a first-person
shooter too, yeah!

00:48:27.215 --> 00:48:29.249
God damn it.

00:48:31.285 --> 00:48:32.651
I miss human contact.

00:48:32.686 --> 00:48:34.386
Even on the phone
for directory assistance

00:48:34.420 --> 00:48:36.621
It's like, "city
and state, please."

00:48:36.656 --> 00:48:38.156
Washington, D.C.

00:48:38.191 --> 00:48:40.292
"what would you like?"
Constitution Hall.

00:48:40.326 --> 00:48:42.193
"did you say
Kennedy Center?"

00:48:42.228 --> 00:48:43.828
No.

00:48:43.863 --> 00:48:47.331
Constitution Hall.

00:48:47.365 --> 00:48:49.066
"did you say
Congressional Ball?

00:48:49.100 --> 00:48:51.168
No.

00:48:51.202 --> 00:48:53.736
Consti-- and it starts to become
like "The Miracle Worker."

00:48:53.771 --> 00:48:57.039
Constitution Hall.

00:48:57.074 --> 00:48:59.508
"did you say cocksucker?"

00:48:59.542 --> 00:49:01.443
No, I didn't say cocksucker!

00:49:01.477 --> 00:49:03.677
"would you like to talk
to a person?"

00:49:03.712 --> 00:49:05.078
Fuck yes!

00:49:05.113 --> 00:49:06.913
"if you'd like to talk
to a person, press one.

00:49:06.947 --> 00:49:09.481
If you'd like to talk to someone
in english press two.

00:49:09.516 --> 00:49:12.217
Are you sure you don't want
to talk to someone in spanish?
Press three.

00:49:12.251 --> 00:49:14.752
Press four if you'd like
to move to the next menu.

00:49:14.786 --> 00:49:16.754
Press five if you're getting
somewhat irritated.

00:49:16.788 --> 00:49:18.489
Press six
if you're my bitch.

00:49:18.523 --> 00:49:20.123
Press seven.
You know you want to.

00:49:20.157 --> 00:49:22.291
Press eight, daddy.
Do it. Press nine."

00:49:22.325 --> 00:49:24.393
What are the chances of talking
to a real person?

00:49:24.427 --> 00:49:26.194
"zero, press it!"

00:49:26.228 --> 00:49:28.362
Beep!

00:49:28.397 --> 00:49:30.365
Beep!

00:49:30.399 --> 00:49:33.033
Beep!

00:49:36.069 --> 00:49:39.338
( indian accent )
"hello. Did you want to talk
to a real person?"

00:49:41.307 --> 00:49:43.342
Yes!

00:49:43.376 --> 00:49:47.279
Oh, my God, yes!

00:49:47.314 --> 00:49:49.948
Yes!
Where are you?

00:49:49.982 --> 00:49:52.717
You're a real person?
"very much so."

00:49:52.752 --> 00:49:55.921
Where are you?
"I am on the phone with you."

00:49:57.190 --> 00:50:00.392
What is your name?
"Thomas Edison."

00:50:00.426 --> 00:50:02.095
Don't fuck with me,
Thomas.

00:50:02.129 --> 00:50:05.233
"don't fuck with me, mork.
I know who you are."

00:50:05.267 --> 00:50:07.535
What?

00:50:07.569 --> 00:50:10.572
"I know about you
googling cocksucker,

00:50:10.606 --> 00:50:12.540
So don't piss me off.

00:50:12.575 --> 00:50:14.675
And I have access
to a nuclear device.

00:50:14.710 --> 00:50:17.645
And I can say it
unlike your former president,
so don't fucking piss me off."

00:50:17.679 --> 00:50:20.314
Change a light bulb,
change a light bulb,
change a light bulb now.

00:50:20.349 --> 00:50:24.117
( imitating chinese )

00:50:24.152 --> 00:50:28.689
China is now outsourcing
many American products
as we speak.

00:50:28.723 --> 00:50:30.792
You send us your cat food,
we send it back to you--

00:50:30.826 --> 00:50:33.261
( gasps )
sorry about kitty.

00:50:33.295 --> 00:50:36.230
We make your toys.
Oh, Timmy can't take lead?

00:50:36.265 --> 00:50:39.401
How sad for him.

00:50:39.435 --> 00:50:42.837
And now Chinese families
are adopting American lesbians.

00:50:42.872 --> 00:50:46.274
Payback is a bitch.
Now...

00:50:46.309 --> 00:50:49.244
China makes
a lot of money off us.

00:50:49.278 --> 00:50:50.979
But we're gonna get
some money back soon

00:50:51.013 --> 00:50:54.082
because they're gonna open
a Disneyland in Shanghai.

00:50:54.116 --> 00:50:58.520
It'll be cool.
It'll have characters
like Mickey Mao.

00:50:58.554 --> 00:51:01.656
There'll be
duck xiaoping.

00:51:01.690 --> 00:51:04.125
You go down main street--
there'll be 12 Donald Ducks

00:51:04.159 --> 00:51:07.028
Hanging
upside down in the market.
That'll be cool.

00:51:07.062 --> 00:51:09.630
And there'll be
the village people's republic
going,

00:51:09.664 --> 00:51:12.165
♪ young Mao,
there's a place you can go ♪

00:51:12.200 --> 00:51:15.468
♪ I say, young Mao. ♪

00:51:17.371 --> 00:51:20.672
And before the Olympics

00:51:20.706 --> 00:51:23.508
The Tibetans
were demonstrating
against the Chinese.

00:51:23.542 --> 00:51:26.677
It was kind of sad too,
because the Chinese
accused the Tibetans

00:51:26.711 --> 00:51:28.646
of being terrorists,
which is weird.

00:51:28.680 --> 00:51:32.351
A Tibetan terrorist
is like an Amish hacker--
it just doesn't fit.

00:51:32.385 --> 00:51:35.521
And then California went,
"we are gonna boycott
Chinese products

00:51:35.555 --> 00:51:37.923
In sympathy
with the Tibetans."
then they went,

00:51:37.957 --> 00:51:40.326
"fuck, they make
everything."

00:51:40.360 --> 00:51:43.462
And they even make
the "free tibet" stickers,

00:51:43.496 --> 00:51:46.932
So it's fucking insane.

00:51:46.967 --> 00:51:50.169
And the weird thing
in the Chinese Olympics,

00:51:50.203 --> 00:51:52.737
Beijing-- one of the most
polluted cities in the world.

00:51:52.771 --> 00:51:55.438
During the Olympics
no pollution. How did
they pull this off?

00:51:55.472 --> 00:51:58.173
I believe they sent
one billion Chinese
into Beijing.

00:51:58.208 --> 00:52:00.342
Everyone breathe in...

00:52:03.012 --> 00:52:05.880
( exhales )

00:52:05.914 --> 00:52:08.048
One of my favorite events
during the Olympics

00:52:08.082 --> 00:52:10.649
was women's gymnastics,
which is kind of a misnomer.

00:52:10.684 --> 00:52:13.351
These are not women.
These are Shetland females.

00:52:13.386 --> 00:52:15.720
And some of the events
are a little...
( chuckles )

00:52:15.754 --> 00:52:19.724
like the uneven
parallel bars is a bit like
horizontal pole dancing.

00:52:19.758 --> 00:52:23.427
It's like, daddy would like
to watch this alone,
if you don't mind.

00:52:23.461 --> 00:52:25.462
And who invented
that event?

00:52:25.496 --> 00:52:27.430
Was there some German
at a playground going,

00:52:27.464 --> 00:52:30.065
"here's my idea for girls
in tight clothing--

00:52:30.100 --> 00:52:32.467
I want you
to put on spandex

00:52:32.501 --> 00:52:34.168
And then spin around
on the upper bar,

00:52:34.203 --> 00:52:36.470
and slam your vagina
into the lower bar,
spin around.

00:52:36.504 --> 00:52:38.872
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?

00:52:38.906 --> 00:52:40.573
Spread your legs
and then dismount

00:52:40.608 --> 00:52:43.109
and make it look
like you had a good time."

00:52:43.143 --> 00:52:45.110
What?

00:52:45.145 --> 00:52:47.078
Weird.

00:52:47.113 --> 00:52:50.749
And they do all this
incredible stuff.

00:52:50.783 --> 00:52:53.784
And if their foot goes
one inch to the right,
you're fucked!

00:52:53.818 --> 00:52:55.719
And who invented
the pommel horse?

00:52:55.754 --> 00:52:58.588
Was it a cowboy with A.D.D.
Going, "I'm on the horse,
I'm off the horse,

00:52:58.622 --> 00:53:00.623
I'm on the horse,
I'm off the horse"?

00:53:00.657 --> 00:53:02.358
No.

00:53:02.392 --> 00:53:05.127
My favorite athletes
of any Olympics

00:53:05.161 --> 00:53:07.095
are always the African
distance runners.

00:53:07.129 --> 00:53:09.464
You never have to drug-test
an African distance runner.

00:53:09.498 --> 00:53:13.067
Are you on drugs?
"no, I'm looking for food."

00:53:13.101 --> 00:53:16.936
And I'm sure
in Kenya

00:53:16.971 --> 00:53:21.807
There's a chicken that runs
a sub-two-hour marathon.

00:53:21.841 --> 00:53:24.276
You just won
the New York marathon.
How do you feel?

00:53:24.310 --> 00:53:26.711
( clucks )

00:53:26.745 --> 00:53:28.412
What did he say?

00:53:28.447 --> 00:53:31.113
He's wondering where
the Ethiopians are.

00:53:31.147 --> 00:53:33.448
One of my favorite runners
of all time

00:53:33.483 --> 00:53:36.251
Was Abebe Bikila.
He was an Ethiopian
distance runner

00:53:36.285 --> 00:53:38.486
and he won the Rome Olympics
running barefoot.

00:53:38.520 --> 00:53:40.354
He was then sponsored
by Adidas.

00:53:40.388 --> 00:53:42.189
He ran the next Olympics,

00:53:42.223 --> 00:53:45.592
He carried
the fucking shoes.

00:53:45.626 --> 00:53:48.094
No performance enhancement
there, no way.

00:53:48.128 --> 00:53:50.796
Because always
people are looking
for performance enhancement.

00:53:50.830 --> 00:53:53.831
Cut to the American swim team
with their new porpoise
foreskin swimsuits--

00:53:53.866 --> 00:53:56.801
Full-body condom swimsuits.
What the fuck was going on?

00:53:56.835 --> 00:53:59.370
These guys were shaved
like a Brazilian hooker
to begin with.

00:53:59.404 --> 00:54:03.107
What was going on?
Was there one pubic hair like...
( blows raspberry )

00:54:03.141 --> 00:54:05.709
And they put on that
full-body condom--

00:54:05.744 --> 00:54:08.245
even the penis is like,
"I'm in here. Help me."

00:54:08.279 --> 00:54:10.514
But I realized
the moment you do that--

00:54:10.548 --> 00:54:13.083
No nutsack drag.

00:54:13.117 --> 00:54:15.018
You're a Ken doll
all of a sudden.
Are you ready to swim?

00:54:15.052 --> 00:54:17.421
( high voice )
I think so.

00:54:17.455 --> 00:54:20.323
But no more--
no more nutsack drag.

00:54:20.358 --> 00:54:22.325
.05 nutsack drag
with this.

00:54:22.360 --> 00:54:24.427
Then you get to the end
of the pool .05 faster.

00:54:24.462 --> 00:54:26.830
Why?
No nutsack drag.

00:54:26.864 --> 00:54:28.598
And the French
got pissed off going,

00:54:28.633 --> 00:54:31.601
"they have no nutsack drag.
They're cheating."

00:54:31.636 --> 00:54:35.205
And Michael Phelps is
on the box of frosted flakes.

00:54:35.239 --> 00:54:37.207
Then he gets caught
smoking weed

00:54:37.241 --> 00:54:39.308
and then take him off
the box of frosted flakes.

00:54:39.343 --> 00:54:42.279
<i>- ( man boos )
- this is a failure
in marketing, my friends.</i>

00:54:42.313 --> 00:54:45.881
Listen, if you're basically
having frosted flakes

00:54:45.916 --> 00:54:47.749
and you're older
than 10 years old

00:54:47.784 --> 00:54:50.319
and it's after 10:00
in the morning...

00:54:50.353 --> 00:54:53.222
<i>- ( laughter )
- ...I'm gonna guess</i>

00:54:53.257 --> 00:54:57.125
Weed may be involved.

00:54:57.159 --> 00:54:59.761
And you can't tell me

00:54:59.795 --> 00:55:01.863
Marijuana is
a performance-enhancing drug.

00:55:01.897 --> 00:55:03.331
Fuck off.

00:55:03.365 --> 00:55:05.100
It's only
a performance-enhancing drug

00:55:05.134 --> 00:55:08.336
If there's
a fucking chocolate bar
at the end of the pool.

00:55:08.370 --> 00:55:10.337
Then even a one-legged
swimmer will go,

00:55:10.372 --> 00:55:12.239
"I will beat your ass."

00:55:12.273 --> 00:55:15.708
But performance enhancement
doesn't always include drugs.

00:55:15.743 --> 00:55:19.078
Cut to miss Semenya,
the South African
middle-distance runner

00:55:19.113 --> 00:55:21.815
who turns out to be a he/she.
She's a hermaphrodite.

00:55:21.849 --> 00:55:24.651
She can have her own biathlon--
kind of neat.

00:55:24.685 --> 00:55:26.519
But this is not new.

00:55:26.553 --> 00:55:28.921
The East Germans used to have
really butch female sprinters.

00:55:28.955 --> 00:55:31.790
Olga, you just won
the 100 meters.
How do you feel?

00:55:31.824 --> 00:55:34.024
( deep voice )
"really good

00:55:34.058 --> 00:55:35.358
Is that a penis?

00:55:35.392 --> 00:55:38.427
"no, just a very large
clitoris."

00:55:38.461 --> 00:55:40.728
Oh.

00:55:40.763 --> 00:55:44.065
And the Germans used to
give their athletes
pure fucking speed.

00:55:44.099 --> 00:55:47.034
They would finish a race going,
"Hans, you just won a race.
How do you feel?"

00:55:47.069 --> 00:55:48.536
"wonderful!

00:55:48.570 --> 00:55:51.405
But the spiders are
crawling all over me again."

00:55:53.509 --> 00:55:56.978
And the one drug they seem
to have the most problem with
is steroids.

00:55:57.013 --> 00:55:59.914
And there are always
these poor fuckers who get
caught doing steroids

00:55:59.949 --> 00:56:04.018
And they deny it,
and yet they look like
a Mardi Gras float.

00:56:04.052 --> 00:56:06.153
Bubba, are you doing
steroids?

00:56:06.187 --> 00:56:08.522
"no."

00:56:08.556 --> 00:56:10.256
Where's your neck?

00:56:10.291 --> 00:56:14.360
"I haven't seen it
for a while."

00:56:14.394 --> 00:56:16.295
What about your balls?

00:56:16.329 --> 00:56:18.263
"I don't know."

00:56:18.297 --> 00:56:20.098
You're taking
horse genome.

00:56:20.132 --> 00:56:22.500
"no!"

00:56:22.535 --> 00:56:24.436
No.

00:56:24.470 --> 00:56:27.339
And it's weird too.
Why would people take
steroids in football

00:56:27.373 --> 00:56:29.274
When in football
the object of the game is

00:56:29.308 --> 00:56:31.009
to be a big fucking
mountain of flesh

00:56:31.043 --> 00:56:32.844
breaking past
another mountain of flesh

00:56:32.878 --> 00:56:35.480
And grabbing the little guy
and going, "tell me
about the rabbits"?

00:56:35.514 --> 00:56:37.015
That's the game.

00:56:37.049 --> 00:56:39.016
But maybe if you get caught
doing steroids

00:56:39.051 --> 00:56:40.584
instead of kicking you
off the team

00:56:40.619 --> 00:56:43.254
you have to take
another drug like ecstasy
to compensate?

00:56:43.288 --> 00:56:47.258
It's gonna make the huddles
a lot more fun.

00:56:47.292 --> 00:56:50.961
You're gonna come
into the huddle like, "hi.

00:56:50.996 --> 00:56:55.432
sorry about the long count.
I just felt such love."

00:56:55.467 --> 00:56:59.137
And the other drug
that people are doing
is human growth hormone.

00:56:59.171 --> 00:57:01.839
I first heard about
human growth hormone
from Nick Nolte

00:57:01.873 --> 00:57:04.676
who was telling me
the advances of human
growth hormone.

00:57:04.710 --> 00:57:07.312
He was like, "Robin,
human growth hormone
is amazing.

00:57:07.346 --> 00:57:09.748
It's taking 20--
argh!"

00:57:09.782 --> 00:57:12.417
He went fucking stiff
as a board.

00:57:12.451 --> 00:57:15.219
And I went,
"I'll get back to you, Nick.
Good luck."

00:57:15.253 --> 00:57:17.121
Insane.

00:57:17.155 --> 00:57:20.190
But there was one guy--
one guy

00:57:20.225 --> 00:57:23.359
who had an amazing
claim to fame in terms of
drugs and sport.

00:57:23.394 --> 00:57:25.661
His name was
Dock Ellis.

00:57:25.695 --> 00:57:27.664
And Dock Ellis did
an incredible thing.

00:57:27.698 --> 00:57:31.334
The one person who knows--
thank you.

00:57:31.369 --> 00:57:35.037
Dock Ellis pitched
a no-hitter on L.S.D.

00:57:35.072 --> 00:57:37.372
Those who have
taken L.S.D,

00:57:37.407 --> 00:57:39.841
tell the others
how hard that might be.

00:57:39.875 --> 00:57:41.809
Fuck off.

00:57:41.844 --> 00:57:44.379
If I took L.S.D.,
I'd be talking to every
blade of grass like,

00:57:44.413 --> 00:57:46.414
"sorry sorry."

00:57:46.449 --> 00:57:49.984
To walk into a major-league
baseball stadium like...

00:57:53.489 --> 00:57:55.290
the whole field
is like...

00:57:57.159 --> 00:57:59.327
"fuck fuck fucfuck."

00:57:59.361 --> 00:58:02.130
All the fans in the stadium
like...

00:58:06.468 --> 00:58:08.703
the umpire walks out,
it's shiva...

00:58:08.737 --> 00:58:12.040
( chanting )

00:58:12.074 --> 00:58:15.343
The catcher steps out.
Instead of a mask he's wearing
a Samurai mask.

00:58:15.377 --> 00:58:17.277
( imitate Japanese )

00:58:17.311 --> 00:58:20.246
Instead of
a glove, it's a vagina.
"come to daddy!"

00:58:20.280 --> 00:58:23.014
The batter walks out.
Instead of cleats,
he's got hooves.

00:58:23.049 --> 00:58:27.084
Yes, instead of a bat,
it's a cobra.
( hisses )

00:58:27.118 --> 00:58:31.120
You walk out on the mound,
even your glove's going,
"this is fucking weird."

00:58:31.155 --> 00:58:32.955
The ball--
"yes, I love you."

00:58:32.990 --> 00:58:34.990
Let's do this.
"do it, daddy, do it."

00:58:35.024 --> 00:58:37.192
( chanting )

00:58:37.226 --> 00:58:39.794
( screaming )

00:58:39.828 --> 00:58:42.262
Past the cobra,
into the vagina.

00:58:42.297 --> 00:58:44.766
( chanting )

00:58:44.800 --> 00:58:47.335
For nine fucking
innings?

00:58:47.369 --> 00:58:50.604
Fuck me.

00:58:56.777 --> 00:58:58.711
It's like, wow.

00:58:58.745 --> 00:59:00.913
He should have his own
black-light room

00:59:00.947 --> 00:59:03.348
at the Hall of Fame.

00:59:03.382 --> 00:59:05.850
When I was growing up
they used to say,

00:59:05.884 --> 00:59:08.052
"Robin, drugs can
kill you."

00:59:08.086 --> 00:59:10.654
And now that I'm 58,
my doctor's going,

00:59:10.688 --> 00:59:14.523
"Robin, you need drugs
to live."

00:59:14.557 --> 00:59:18.225
And I realized my doctor's
my dealer now

00:59:18.260 --> 00:59:20.260
and a lot harder
to get ahold of.

00:59:20.294 --> 00:59:22.595
And he's always giving me
free samples like,

00:59:22.629 --> 00:59:24.563
"yo, Robin,

00:59:24.597 --> 00:59:28.099
some lipitor, motherfucker.
Try it out.

00:59:28.133 --> 00:59:30.534
That's all I can
hook you up with right now.

00:59:30.568 --> 00:59:32.870
I got an H.M.O.
on my back, baby.
That's all I can do."

00:59:32.905 --> 00:59:36.675
And it's weird too--
these drugs have
side effects

00:59:36.709 --> 00:59:38.143
that go on
for fucking days,

00:59:38.177 --> 00:59:41.312
Like tendency
to grow another head.
Oh my God.

00:59:41.346 --> 00:59:44.347
When we were growing up
we knew the side effects
of the drugs we were taking.

00:59:44.381 --> 00:59:47.249
Cocaine-- side effects were
paranoia and ninjas on the lawn.

00:59:47.284 --> 00:59:49.018
I remember that.

00:59:49.053 --> 00:59:50.687
Quaaludes--
side effects were

00:59:50.688 --> 00:59:53.756
Talking in tongues,
english as a second language.
I remember that.

00:59:53.791 --> 00:59:55.858
Marijuana-- side effects
side were laughter

00:59:55.892 --> 00:59:58.294
and frosted flakes.
That's all I remember.

00:59:58.328 --> 01:00:01.430
But now there are side effects
which fucking rival
the syndrome.

01:00:01.465 --> 01:00:04.066
There's a syndrome called
restless leg syndrome.

01:00:04.101 --> 01:00:06.769
What the fuck is that?
A tendency to break out
into a Riverdance?

01:00:06.804 --> 01:00:09.672
Like, "oh, dear Christ.

01:00:09.707 --> 01:00:13.642
Grandma's got fucking
restless leg syndrome.

01:00:13.677 --> 01:00:15.678
Take care of kids.
I'm on my way to Dublin.

01:00:15.712 --> 01:00:19.248
Take care."

01:00:19.282 --> 01:00:22.585
And side effects include
compulsive gambling

01:00:22.619 --> 01:00:24.954
and obsessive
sexual behavior.

01:00:24.988 --> 01:00:28.591
That's not a side effect.
That's fucking Vegas.

01:00:28.625 --> 01:00:32.527
They should just give you
a bus ticket and say,
"good luck."

01:00:32.562 --> 01:00:34.496
And how soon before
they have a drug

01:00:34.530 --> 01:00:38.700
where side effects may include
rectal ventriloquism?

01:00:38.734 --> 01:00:41.202
If your asshole
starts talking,

01:00:41.237 --> 01:00:43.738
call the doctor

01:00:43.773 --> 01:00:47.242
or get friends over
'cause it's gonna be
a fun night.

01:00:47.276 --> 01:00:50.344
And what a great side effect
for a politician.

01:00:50.379 --> 01:00:54.248
"I was never with that woman."
"liar!

01:00:54.283 --> 01:00:56.217
Liar!

01:00:56.251 --> 01:00:59.987
He's an asshole
and so am I!"

01:01:00.021 --> 01:01:02.856
And the one drug
they give you

01:01:02.891 --> 01:01:05.659
that's kind of wonderful
before the surgery
was viagra--

01:01:05.693 --> 01:01:07.794
A great drug,
amazing, a lot of fun.

01:01:07.828 --> 01:01:10.529
After open-heart surgery--
not so much fun.

01:01:10.564 --> 01:01:13.099
Taking viagra
after open-heart surgery

01:01:13.133 --> 01:01:15.902
is like a civil war
reenactment with live ammo--
not good.

01:01:15.936 --> 01:01:19.938
It's a duel to the death
between your dick
and your heart.

01:01:19.973 --> 01:01:21.640
The moment you take it,
your penis is like,

01:01:21.674 --> 01:01:24.509
"I'm 25.
Yes! Let's do this!"

01:01:24.544 --> 01:01:26.879
And your heart's going,
"bullshit.

01:01:26.913 --> 01:01:29.748
We're just back online,
you asshole.

01:01:29.782 --> 01:01:31.683
Slow down.
I'm gonna put a cramp
in your calf.

01:01:31.717 --> 01:01:33.718
Argh!"

01:01:33.753 --> 01:01:36.087
And your penis is going,
"I've still got the hips.

01:01:36.122 --> 01:01:37.722
Ramming speed,
let's do this."

01:01:37.757 --> 01:01:40.125
And your heart's going,
"I'm throwing your back out.

01:01:40.159 --> 01:01:42.160
Fuck off. Argh!"

01:01:42.194 --> 01:01:45.263
And your penis
is going, "I'm still hard.
We're going in. Yeah!"

01:01:45.297 --> 01:01:48.799
And your heart's going,
"I'm opening up your asshole."
( blows raspberry )

01:01:48.834 --> 01:01:50.801
Argh!

01:01:50.836 --> 01:01:52.303
"are you coming?"

01:01:52.337 --> 01:01:54.905
"no, I think
I'm fucking dying."

01:01:54.940 --> 01:01:58.942
And when you finally
do come after an hour--

01:01:58.976 --> 01:02:02.445
And after an hour
even my penis is going,
"I got shit to do."

01:02:04.615 --> 01:02:06.916
After an hour
when you finally come
it's like,

01:02:06.950 --> 01:02:09.652
Argh! Agh!

01:02:09.686 --> 01:02:12.021
One drop of sperm...

01:02:14.457 --> 01:02:16.593
With two 50-year-old
sperms going,

01:02:16.628 --> 01:02:20.097
"where the fuck
are we?

01:02:20.132 --> 01:02:22.299
I never thought
I'd be called into action.

01:02:22.334 --> 01:02:24.668
This is crazy."

01:02:24.703 --> 01:02:28.005
I'm sure if you had
a microscope, they both
would have walkers, like,

01:02:28.040 --> 01:02:31.075
"keep moving.

01:02:31.110 --> 01:02:33.511
My tail is cramping,
God damn it.

01:02:35.781 --> 01:02:39.651
Head towards the tits.
I know my way from there."

01:02:39.685 --> 01:02:43.087
And I'm sure
there's two othesperms
in my balls going,

01:02:43.122 --> 01:02:45.056
"wait here.

01:02:45.090 --> 01:02:48.924
If she puts a finger
in the ass, then we go."

01:02:48.959 --> 01:02:52.994
Yes, indeed.

01:02:53.029 --> 01:02:57.531
But there's
another drug--

01:02:57.566 --> 01:03:00.467
Another drug
they don't tell you
is a drug.

01:03:00.501 --> 01:03:02.235
It's a class-4 narcotic--
alcohol.

01:03:02.270 --> 01:03:04.637
And the only warning
they have on the bottle
of alcohol is

01:03:04.672 --> 01:03:08.841
"don't drink this
if you're pregnant." bullshit.
That's how you got pregnant.

01:03:08.875 --> 01:03:12.645
And alcohol
is especially dangerous
for people like myself--

01:03:12.680 --> 01:03:15.715
Alcoholics,
or you can say
"ethanol-challenged,"

01:03:15.750 --> 01:03:17.684
whatever you want
to call it.

01:03:17.718 --> 01:03:20.219
And people go,
"now, Robin, how do I know
if I'm an alcoholic?"

01:03:20.253 --> 01:03:22.855
Well, as one, let me give you
some warning signs.

01:03:22.889 --> 01:03:25.357
Number one--
after a night
of heavy drinking

01:03:25.391 --> 01:03:30.061
you wake up
fully-clothed going, "hey,
somebody shit in my pants."

01:03:36.500 --> 01:03:38.401
Number two--

01:03:38.435 --> 01:03:41.304
you have a couple of cocktails
and you find yourself
on the freeway going,

01:03:41.339 --> 01:03:45.075
"what are these fuckers doing
going the wrong way?"--
number two.

01:03:45.109 --> 01:03:48.276
Number three--
you get drunk,

01:03:48.311 --> 01:03:49.944
you go out
for indian food,

01:03:49.979 --> 01:03:53.681
you wake up in Bombay
with a camel licking
your balls.

01:03:53.716 --> 01:03:57.418
Ta-dah!
You are an alcoholic.

01:03:57.452 --> 01:04:00.921
And some people say,
"Robin, I'm a functioning
alcoholic."

01:04:00.956 --> 01:04:03.790
You can be one.
It's like being a paraplegic
lap dancer.

01:04:03.825 --> 01:04:06.459
You can do it,

01:04:06.493 --> 01:04:10.330
just not as well
as the others really.

01:04:10.364 --> 01:04:13.333
And they say alcoholism
is peer pressure.
Bullshit.

01:04:13.368 --> 01:04:16.503
Peer pressure
for an alcoholic is,
"psst, come here."

01:04:16.537 --> 01:04:20.206
And I believe alcoholics
are God's rodeo clowns.

01:04:20.240 --> 01:04:22.808
We're the ones
doing the stupid shit
nobody else will do.

01:04:22.843 --> 01:04:25.478
We're the ones coming
out of chute number five
on a fifth of vodka like,

01:04:25.512 --> 01:04:27.980
"yee-haw!"
looking for a woman
who's going,

01:04:28.015 --> 01:04:30.550
"you're the one."
"yeah!"

01:04:30.584 --> 01:04:32.818
And we're moody
little motherfuckers too,

01:04:32.853 --> 01:04:36.188
'cause we'll be like,
"God damn it, man,
I love you.

01:04:36.223 --> 01:04:38.190
I'll fucking
kill you.

01:04:38.225 --> 01:04:40.059
Step outside.
I'll kick my ass.

01:04:40.093 --> 01:04:41.894
God damn it,
let's do this.

01:04:41.928 --> 01:04:44.696
Poor me.
Goddamn poor me.

01:04:44.731 --> 01:04:48.166
Pour me
another drink."

01:04:48.201 --> 01:04:50.169
And we think
we're sexy too,

01:04:50.203 --> 01:04:52.170
'cause we'll come up
to women going like,

01:04:52.205 --> 01:04:54.172
"hey, baby.
Were your parents retarded?

01:04:54.207 --> 01:04:56.375
Because you sure are
special."

01:05:01.047 --> 01:05:03.615
And we see
nothing wrong with that.

01:05:03.649 --> 01:05:06.451
We've got backup.
If that doesn't work,
we go,

01:05:06.485 --> 01:05:09.621
"hey, sit on my face.
I'll guess your weight.

01:05:09.655 --> 01:05:12.458
Yeah!"
( barks )

01:05:12.492 --> 01:05:15.328
And ladies, if you
take an alcoholic home
for the night,

01:05:15.362 --> 01:05:17.997
oh, good luck.
You're in for a fun evening.

01:05:18.031 --> 01:05:21.100
It's like
playing pool with a rope.
Good fucking luck.

01:05:21.134 --> 01:05:23.802
He'll be like,
"I love you.
( retching )

01:05:23.836 --> 01:05:25.770
I love you."

01:05:25.804 --> 01:05:28.539
And the next morning,
that all-important question,

01:05:28.574 --> 01:05:31.075
"who the fuck
are you?"

01:05:31.110 --> 01:05:33.678
( bleats )

01:05:33.712 --> 01:05:37.047
"oh my God.
Well, at least
I'll get a sweater.

01:05:37.082 --> 01:05:39.483
Cool.
Fuckin'-a."

01:05:39.517 --> 01:05:41.452
'cause, you see,
as an alcoholic,

01:05:41.486 --> 01:05:43.821
you will violate
your standards quicker
than you can lower them.

01:05:43.855 --> 01:05:45.989
You will do shit
that even the devil would go,

01:05:46.024 --> 01:05:49.126
"dude."

01:05:49.160 --> 01:05:51.795
And there's a voice
that tells alcoholics
we can drink.

01:05:51.829 --> 01:05:55.832
It's the same voice you hear
if you can go up to the top
of a very large building

01:05:55.867 --> 01:06:00.004
and you look over the side,
there's a little voice
that goes, "jump.

01:06:00.038 --> 01:06:02.339
You can fly."

01:06:02.374 --> 01:06:04.941
Even though your asshole
is going, "no, you can't."

01:06:04.976 --> 01:06:08.144
And if you ever thought
about jumping off
a tall building,

01:06:08.179 --> 01:06:10.480
there was
a guy who jumped off
the Golden Gate Bridge

01:06:10.514 --> 01:06:12.582
and he survived.
And he said this--
he said,

01:06:12.617 --> 01:06:16.720
"halfway down I thought
it was a bad idea."

01:06:16.754 --> 01:06:20.590
And some things you may
want to stay away from
while drinking heavily:

01:06:20.625 --> 01:06:23.026
Ebay-- not a good idea.

01:06:23.060 --> 01:06:26.028
Ebay and alcoholism--
a perfect storm
addiction.

01:06:26.063 --> 01:06:27.697
You'll find yourself
up to your ass

01:06:27.731 --> 01:06:30.699
In George Foreman grills
and shamwows.

01:06:30.733 --> 01:06:33.234
Another thing
you don't want to do
while really drunk

01:06:33.268 --> 01:06:35.203
is get a tattoo.
I did.

01:06:35.237 --> 01:06:37.605
I got really loaded.
I got a tattoo in mandarin
that says

01:06:37.639 --> 01:06:39.440
"happiness and laughter"
right here.

01:06:39.474 --> 01:06:42.075
I think it says that.
I've never had a chinese person
that close to my balls

01:06:42.109 --> 01:06:43.709
Going, "that's what
it says."

01:06:43.744 --> 01:06:46.246
But I had a friend
get really fucked up

01:06:46.281 --> 01:06:49.349
and he got a tattoo in mandarin
that's supposed to say
"golden warrior."

01:06:49.384 --> 01:06:53.184
And a chinese friend said,
"no, it says 'ass monkey.'"

01:06:53.218 --> 01:06:55.185
Then the idiot went out
and got drunk again

01:06:55.219 --> 01:06:57.554
and got a tattoo in hindu
that was supposed to say
"dawn of enlightenment."

01:06:57.588 --> 01:07:01.357
And a hindu friend said,
"no, it says 'deliveries
on Tuesday.'"

01:07:01.391 --> 01:07:03.859
So he is not the ass monkey
who delivers on Tuesday

01:07:03.893 --> 01:07:05.527
for the rest
of his life.

01:07:05.561 --> 01:07:07.762
And girls, if you want
to get that lovely tattoo

01:07:07.797 --> 01:07:09.598
of the sunrise
rising out of your ass crack--

01:07:09.632 --> 01:07:11.666
gorgeous when you're 20,
but when you're 50

01:07:11.700 --> 01:07:15.903
It's an octopus
chasing a fucking starfish.

01:07:15.937 --> 01:07:18.305
So no.

01:07:18.340 --> 01:07:20.507
Be careful.

01:07:24.145 --> 01:07:27.547
And if they made a drug
that allowed you to drink
and not get drunk,

01:07:27.581 --> 01:07:31.017
an alcoholic would go,
"what happens if you
take two?" no.

01:07:31.051 --> 01:07:33.920
'cause we have these things
called blackouts
as alcoholics.

01:07:33.954 --> 01:07:36.856
It's not really blackouts.
It's more like sleepwalking
with activities.

01:07:36.890 --> 01:07:39.525
Kind of strange.
I believe it's your conscience

01:07:39.559 --> 01:07:42.027
going into
a witness protection program.

01:07:42.062 --> 01:07:44.029
It's your
conscience going,

01:07:44.064 --> 01:07:46.833
"you're about
to fuck a hobbit.

01:07:46.868 --> 01:07:49.336
I gotta go.
Good luck."

01:07:49.370 --> 01:07:52.739
I'm gonna leave the dick on
and after an hour I'm opening
up the asshole,

01:07:52.773 --> 01:07:55.775
but that didn't
stop you Tuesday.
Good luck. Take care."

01:07:55.810 --> 01:07:57.777
And alcoholics,
we're like assholes.

01:07:57.812 --> 01:08:00.480
We can't wait
to shit on everybody--
family, friends.

01:08:00.515 --> 01:08:03.350
We'll be like,
"fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you.

01:08:03.384 --> 01:08:06.886
Go fuck yourself.
Fuck you. Fuck.

01:08:06.921 --> 01:08:09.289
I'm fucked."

01:08:09.323 --> 01:08:11.691
And they tried to send
my ass to rehab,
and I went,

01:08:11.725 --> 01:08:13.660
"yeah yeah yeah."

01:08:13.694 --> 01:08:18.197
And I went to rehab
in wine country just to keep
my options open.

01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:22.868
And while I was in rehab
I read an article
in "The Inquirer"

01:08:22.903 --> 01:08:26.238
about my being drunk.
It was like, "that poor fuck.
Oh, fuck, that's me."

01:08:26.273 --> 01:08:28.374
And the weird thing too

01:08:28.408 --> 01:08:30.977
about when you read articles
in "The Inquirer" or "TMZ"

01:08:31.011 --> 01:08:34.014
and you're looking
at all these assholes going,
"those poor motherfuckers."

01:08:34.048 --> 01:08:36.816
And only the Germans
could come up with the word
for that--

01:08:36.850 --> 01:08:39.152
Feeling pleasure
at other people's misfortune.

01:08:39.187 --> 01:08:41.854
It's called schadenfreude.
And only the Germans could go,

01:08:41.889 --> 01:08:44.858
"we found
the fucking word for that.
God bless you."

01:08:44.892 --> 01:08:46.859
I was once
on a German talk show.

01:08:46.895 --> 01:08:49.062
And if you want to go on one,
it's a lot of fun.

01:08:49.096 --> 01:08:51.465
It's really fun.
And I was on this
German talk show

01:08:51.499 --> 01:08:53.867
and this woman said to me,
she said, "Mr. Williams,

01:08:53.868 --> 01:08:56.636
why do you think
there's not so much
comedy in Germany?"

01:08:56.671 --> 01:09:00.207
And I said, "did you
and ever think you killed,
all the funny people?"

01:09:00.241 --> 01:09:02.207
( laughter )

01:09:02.243 --> 01:09:06.580
And it was--

01:09:06.613 --> 01:09:09.182
And here's what
got interesting.

01:09:09.216 --> 01:09:12.585
She didn't bat an eyelash.
She just went, "no."

01:09:12.618 --> 01:09:16.555
At that point
even God's going,
"do you get it?"

01:09:16.590 --> 01:09:19.924
German comedy:
Knock knock, we ask
the questions.

01:09:19.959 --> 01:09:22.627
It's like the French
production of "Anne Frank"--

01:09:22.662 --> 01:09:25.331
"she's upstairs!"

01:09:25.365 --> 01:09:27.299
And we have
a German Pope now.

01:09:27.334 --> 01:09:29.768
How do you get
a German Pope?
Well, it's a tough gig.

01:09:29.801 --> 01:09:32.104
they don't retire the jersey
like Magic Johnson.

01:09:32.138 --> 01:09:34.106
You stay in the chair
to the bitter end.

01:09:34.140 --> 01:09:35.875
Remember John Paul II?
It was like,

01:09:35.908 --> 01:09:38.444
( imitates latin )

01:09:41.881 --> 01:09:44.517
<i>in nomine patris, et filii,
et spiritus sancti.</i>

01:09:47.888 --> 01:09:51.256
We're lucky
he didn't have dementia
in the Yankee Stadium, going,

01:09:51.291 --> 01:09:53.893
"everybody gets pudding.

01:09:53.926 --> 01:09:59.365
Chocolate pudding.
Chocolate pudding."

01:09:59.399 --> 01:10:00.999
And when the pope dies,

01:10:01.034 --> 01:10:03.669
the Vatican
finds out you're dead
the old-fashioned way:

01:10:03.703 --> 01:10:05.337
They have a guy come
with a silver hammer--

01:10:05.372 --> 01:10:07.806
not maxwell-- but he comes
and he basically comes in--

01:10:07.841 --> 01:10:10.675
he basically
comes in and goes, pwap!
And if the Pope goes, "ahh!"

01:10:10.710 --> 01:10:13.878
"one more week!
He's got another week!"

01:10:13.913 --> 01:10:16.080
And the moment
the Pope dies,

01:10:16.115 --> 01:10:18.049
they take him through
Saint Peter's Basilica

01:10:18.083 --> 01:10:20.752
and 50,000 cell phones
are like... ( clicking )

01:10:20.786 --> 01:10:22.820
and I'm sure that was
his last wish.

01:10:22.855 --> 01:10:24.956
"when I die,

01:10:24.991 --> 01:10:27.192
I want to be
a screen saver."

01:10:27.226 --> 01:10:29.828
And then what happens?

01:10:29.863 --> 01:10:32.665
The College of Cardinals,
they all go into
a small dark room

01:10:32.699 --> 01:10:34.833
and the only thing that
comes out is smoke.

01:10:34.868 --> 01:10:38.003
And I'm going,
"what are you doing in there?"

01:10:38.038 --> 01:10:41.006
And I believe they have
da Vinci's hookah.

01:10:41.040 --> 01:10:43.475
And they're inside getting
a little loaded, going...

01:10:43.510 --> 01:10:46.343
( inhaling )
"I got a crazy idea.

01:10:46.378 --> 01:10:49.179
No no no, wait wait wait!
Wait, listen, this is crazy.

01:10:49.213 --> 01:10:50.681
No, wait!

01:10:50.716 --> 01:10:52.317
The last Pope
was Polish, right?

01:10:52.351 --> 01:10:54.687
Yeah, no, wait--
this is a good one! Hold on.

01:10:54.721 --> 01:10:57.022
How about this?
No, wait, this is crazy.

01:10:57.056 --> 01:10:59.025
How about this?
A nazi!"

01:10:59.059 --> 01:11:00.793
( laughs )

01:11:00.827 --> 01:11:04.496
"no no, Hitler youth.
It's like boy scouts
with artillery.

01:11:04.531 --> 01:11:07.199
It's great! It'll scare
the shit out of the jews.

01:11:07.233 --> 01:11:09.534
They'll be like, 'oy!'"

01:11:09.568 --> 01:11:11.869
And I was hoping,
rather than a German Pope,

01:11:11.904 --> 01:11:14.704
they would do something cool
like a latin american Pope, man.

01:11:14.739 --> 01:11:17.874
That would have been cool,
like Pope Enrique.

01:11:17.908 --> 01:11:19.742
Yeah!
That would be cool.

01:11:19.777 --> 01:11:22.078
And he'd have
the cool pope-mobile

01:11:22.112 --> 01:11:24.046
Like, "Ave Maria!

01:11:24.081 --> 01:11:27.517
Check it out--
( scatting )"

01:11:27.551 --> 01:11:30.887
or a Brazilian Pope,
'cause then you could have
the samba nuns in the thongs

01:11:30.921 --> 01:11:33.223
Going, "come on back
to the church.

01:11:33.257 --> 01:11:34.891
Come on back to
the church.

01:11:34.925 --> 01:11:36.726
You know you want to come back
to the church.

01:11:36.760 --> 01:11:38.394
Come on back to
the church."

01:11:38.429 --> 01:11:40.597
I'm sure the kids would go,
"fuck the internet!

01:11:40.631 --> 01:11:42.932
I'm going back to church."

01:11:42.966 --> 01:11:44.634
But it's weird.

01:11:44.668 --> 01:11:47.770
The Vatican and homosexuality--
oil, water.

01:11:47.804 --> 01:11:50.973
The Pope is always,
"homosexuality is
an abomination."

01:11:51.008 --> 01:11:53.476
Time out.
"you're the Pope?" "yes."

01:11:53.510 --> 01:11:56.645
"you're dressed like
Freddy Mercury's stunt double.

01:11:58.415 --> 01:12:02.050
Your purse is on fire
and you're surrounded
by hundreds of boys.

01:12:02.085 --> 01:12:05.520
And you've had kind of a problem
in the after-school area."

01:12:05.555 --> 01:12:08.690
And why is there
a problem with pedophilia in
the Catholic Church?

01:12:08.724 --> 01:12:11.827
Well, it's a big deal.
You become a priest--
retire this.

01:12:11.861 --> 01:12:15.230
And once a week, we're gonna
put you in a small dark box

01:12:15.265 --> 01:12:19.100
and people are gonna tell you
their nastiest sexual shit.

01:12:19.134 --> 01:12:21.302
"bless me, father,
for I have sinned."

01:12:21.337 --> 01:12:22.938
"yes, my son?"

01:12:22.972 --> 01:12:26.209
"last night I had sex
with two Thai twins,

01:12:26.243 --> 01:12:28.378
a slip 'n slide,

01:12:28.412 --> 01:12:31.047
a diving helmet,

01:12:31.082 --> 01:12:33.183
and a ferret."

01:12:34.820 --> 01:12:37.288
"could you say that
slower, my son?"

01:12:38.691 --> 01:12:40.825
And I believe the Vatican's
gonna come out one day

01:12:40.860 --> 01:12:42.627
and come out big.
It's gonna be...

01:12:42.662 --> 01:12:43.862
<i>♪ in nomine patris... ♪</i>

01:12:43.896 --> 01:12:46.731
<i>( loudly )
♪ et spiritus santi! ♪</i>

01:12:46.765 --> 01:12:48.966
♪ one secular sensation ♪

01:12:49.001 --> 01:12:50.635
♪ all the
folks you meet ♪

01:12:50.669 --> 01:12:52.137
♪ da da da da
da da! ♪

01:12:52.171 --> 01:12:55.206
♪ one singular salvation ♪

01:12:55.241 --> 01:12:57.240
♪ every word on
the street! ♪

01:12:57.275 --> 01:12:58.974
♪ da da da da da da! ♪

01:12:59.008 --> 01:13:01.609
And there still will be
the evangelicals going,

01:13:01.642 --> 01:13:03.742
"homosexuality
is a sickness."

01:13:03.777 --> 01:13:07.211
And the same Reverend
will be caught buying crack
from a gay prostitute

01:13:07.245 --> 01:13:11.347
going, "we were just
playing tummy swords."

01:13:11.381 --> 01:13:14.449
And then he'll deny it going,
"I did not perform
a homosexual act."

01:13:14.483 --> 01:13:16.618
"no, you didn't.
Elton John is a homosexual act.

01:13:16.652 --> 01:13:19.387
You just blew that guy.
It's okay."

01:13:19.421 --> 01:13:22.389
And this Reverend went to
rehab for homosexuality.

01:13:22.424 --> 01:13:25.259
I'm going, "I was in rehab.
I didn't see that wing.

01:13:25.293 --> 01:13:28.428
There was no cockenders
in my rehab."

01:13:28.463 --> 01:13:31.131
And is homosexuality
a preexisting condition?

01:13:31.165 --> 01:13:32.632
What the fuck?

01:13:32.666 --> 01:13:35.434
And the other people that
come out against the whole thing

01:13:35.469 --> 01:13:37.903
are the Mormons. They came out
against gay marriage big time.

01:13:37.937 --> 01:13:40.104
And with gay marriage,
you couldn't even say
"gay marriage."

01:13:40.139 --> 01:13:42.106
In California you couldn't
call it "gay marriage."

01:13:42.140 --> 01:13:43.440
It was like,
"what do we call it?"

01:13:43.475 --> 01:13:45.108
"we'll call it
'same-sex marriage.'"

01:13:45.143 --> 01:13:46.910
And people who have been
married for a long time

01:13:46.944 --> 01:13:48.512
are going,
"that's a little redundant.

01:13:48.546 --> 01:13:50.547
If you've been married a long
time, it's always the same sex.

01:13:50.581 --> 01:13:51.915
Shut the fuck--"

01:13:51.949 --> 01:13:54.251
What?

01:13:54.285 --> 01:13:56.120
And then they said,
"we'll call it a union."

01:13:56.154 --> 01:14:00.357
Then the union guys
get pissed going, "it's not
a fucking union.

01:14:00.391 --> 01:14:03.527
It's not
'local cocksuckers #69.'"

01:14:05.130 --> 01:14:08.298
And you're going,
"wait a minute, Canada
has gay marriage.

01:14:08.332 --> 01:14:10.634
Do you want all the gay people
to immigrate to Canada?

01:14:10.668 --> 01:14:13.971
Then they'll win figure skating
for the next 200 years! No!

01:14:14.006 --> 01:14:16.507
They're already the nicest
people on the planet.

01:14:16.541 --> 01:14:19.811
Do you want them to be
the best dressed?
That's bullshit!"

01:14:19.845 --> 01:14:22.647
And the whole thing--
and we talked briefly about
this before--

01:14:22.681 --> 01:14:25.316
the other people that come out
against gay marriage
were the Mormons.

01:14:25.351 --> 01:14:27.685
Basically the Mormons--
the people that used to
do polygamy--

01:14:27.719 --> 01:14:29.520
they used to
perfect polygamy.

01:14:29.555 --> 01:14:32.088
A Mormon giving marital advice
is like the octomom

01:14:32.123 --> 01:14:34.924
Running a Planned Parenthood
Clinic.

01:14:34.959 --> 01:14:38.295
And if the answer to "who's your
daddy?" is multiple choice,

01:14:38.329 --> 01:14:41.031
come with me, my friend.

01:14:41.065 --> 01:14:42.899
And who thought polygamy
was a great idea?

01:14:42.934 --> 01:14:44.869
Who got married and went,

01:14:44.904 --> 01:14:47.072
"my one marriage isn't
going so well.

01:14:47.107 --> 01:14:49.241
I'd like to double down."

01:14:49.275 --> 01:14:51.543
Fuck off, man!

01:14:51.577 --> 01:14:53.879
And if you-- why would you
want another strong opinion?

01:14:53.913 --> 01:14:56.381
Even if you marry a deaf
and a blind girl,

01:14:56.416 --> 01:14:58.550
they will
fucking communicate!

01:14:58.585 --> 01:15:01.553
And they will work out that
you are the asshole.

01:15:01.587 --> 01:15:04.022
In marriage, I've learned this:
In marriage

01:15:04.057 --> 01:15:07.693
there's penalties for
early withdrawal and deposit
in another account.

01:15:07.728 --> 01:15:09.495
<i>Remember that.</i>

01:15:09.530 --> 01:15:11.865
And alimony doesn't
stop people.

01:15:11.899 --> 01:15:14.201
Alimony-- look at a guy.
You could call it all the money

01:15:14.235 --> 01:15:16.503
and guys would still be going,
"I'm in. Let's do this."

01:15:16.537 --> 01:15:18.871
Look at Donald Trump.
He's always going,
"this one's broken.

01:15:18.906 --> 01:15:20.873
Bring me another one.
Ha ha ha!"

01:15:20.907 --> 01:15:23.409
But maybe there should be
a three-strike law
with marriage.

01:15:23.443 --> 01:15:26.444
If you want to get married
for a fourth time, you have to
give up a body part.

01:15:26.478 --> 01:15:28.178
Then that might
slow people down.

01:15:28.213 --> 01:15:29.946
Like, "Bob, how many times
you been married?"

01:15:29.980 --> 01:15:31.514
"four times, Robin."

01:15:31.548 --> 01:15:33.615
"Ted, how many times
you been married?"

01:15:33.649 --> 01:15:36.217
( garbled )
"five times, Robin.
Five times."

01:15:36.252 --> 01:15:39.787
Larry King would just be
a fucking head on a stick.

01:15:42.824 --> 01:15:46.126
And...

01:15:46.161 --> 01:15:48.295
You talk about
intelligent design--

01:15:48.329 --> 01:15:50.631
look at the human body.
It's waste-processing plant

01:15:50.665 --> 01:15:52.966
Near a recreation area.
How intelligent is that?

01:15:53.001 --> 01:15:56.636
And they say the platypus was
an animal designed by committee.

01:15:56.671 --> 01:15:58.472
Was the human body
designed by committee?

01:15:58.506 --> 01:16:00.107
Was there a group of guys
who designed it?

01:16:00.141 --> 01:16:01.909
Was the guy going, "Tom,
do you have those designs

01:16:01.943 --> 01:16:03.310
For the human
reproductive system?"

01:16:03.344 --> 01:16:05.079
"I do, Ted. Let's show you
what we came up with.

01:16:05.113 --> 01:16:07.781
Normally with the mammal penis,
we have the retractable.

01:16:07.815 --> 01:16:09.716
We decided to something
different for the mammal--

01:16:09.751 --> 01:16:11.084
The male penis for the human.

01:16:11.119 --> 01:16:13.320
We call it 'the collapsible.'
kind of fun.

01:16:13.354 --> 01:16:16.824
And look at this: Murray
came up with the idea of making
the covering optional.

01:16:16.858 --> 01:16:18.825
Thank you, Murray.
Way to go.

01:16:18.859 --> 01:16:21.693
When we take the covering off,
it's a little sharp,
a little pointy.

01:16:21.727 --> 01:16:23.427
We need something on the top
to soften it up.

01:16:23.462 --> 01:16:24.728
Bob, what was your idea?"

01:16:24.762 --> 01:16:27.363
"a mushroom cap."
"thank you, Bob.

01:16:27.398 --> 01:16:30.032
We put the mushroom cap on
the top and it's kind of a tool

01:16:30.067 --> 01:16:32.401
'cause when it's retracted,
it looks like a little
toad stool

01:16:32.435 --> 01:16:35.502
and when it's erect like
a little soldier-- thank you.

01:16:35.537 --> 01:16:37.135
And Tim put a piece of sting
up at the top.

01:16:37.170 --> 01:16:39.070
Thank you, Tim. I guess to
tune it. Thank you, Tim.

01:16:39.104 --> 01:16:41.871
And we run the semen out
the top and urine through--

01:16:41.906 --> 01:16:44.073
We also run urine through there.
We call it multitasking,

01:16:44.107 --> 01:16:46.642
or 'coming and going.'

01:16:46.676 --> 01:16:49.144
Kind of a fun concept.

01:16:49.178 --> 01:16:52.479
And initially we just
had the sperm stored inside
the penis itself

01:16:52.514 --> 01:16:54.548
like a toothpaste tube--
pbbt! Gone.

01:16:54.582 --> 01:16:57.351
So we need something to
store it in and produce it.

01:16:57.386 --> 01:16:59.454
What was your idea, Carl?"
"nuts."

01:16:59.489 --> 01:17:01.190
"thank you, Carl.

01:17:01.225 --> 01:17:04.361
Initially we used walnuts.
We've had good luck with
those in the past."

01:17:04.395 --> 01:17:06.864
And the human males are
going, "we can't sneak up
on the females."

01:17:06.898 --> 01:17:10.067
"what do you mean?
Listen." ( clucking )

01:17:10.101 --> 01:17:12.403
"got it.

01:17:12.437 --> 01:17:15.205
Forget the coconuts.
Let's try something different!

01:17:15.240 --> 01:17:17.674
Bob, what was your idea
to replace them?"

01:17:17.709 --> 01:17:19.810
"balls."
"balls! That's it.

01:17:19.844 --> 01:17:22.212
Who doesn't like balls?
What fun.

01:17:22.247 --> 01:17:25.482
Initially we used three balls,
and here's some of the tests
with the three balls.

01:17:25.517 --> 01:17:27.384
They were going
everywhere.

01:17:27.419 --> 01:17:29.620
The male was, like,
playing with the balls,
playing with the balls.

01:17:29.654 --> 01:17:32.356
And we went, 'we'd better
put those in a bag.'

01:17:32.390 --> 01:17:34.624
So we decided to
make a bag

01:17:34.659 --> 01:17:37.728
and the only thing we had
lying around was some old
turkey neck.

01:17:37.762 --> 01:17:40.230
I said, 'use it!
Let's try it.'

01:17:40.264 --> 01:17:44.466
So...

01:17:44.501 --> 01:17:48.037
We put the balls in
the turkey neck and, um...

01:17:49.606 --> 01:17:52.574
it's ugly.

01:17:52.608 --> 01:17:55.577
I think...

01:17:55.611 --> 01:17:57.979
Yeah.

01:17:58.013 --> 01:18:00.782
Next to the asshole,
it's one of the uglier things
we made, really.

01:18:00.816 --> 01:18:03.718
And we got some negative
feedback from the females

01:18:03.753 --> 01:18:06.588
who were going,
'we're not going down there
unless you cover that up!'

01:18:06.622 --> 01:18:08.923
'okay!' so we put
some garnish around it.

01:18:08.958 --> 01:18:12.460
And initially we made
the hair straight.

01:18:12.494 --> 01:18:14.661
The females: 'my eyes!'
'okay.'

01:18:14.696 --> 01:18:16.763
Curly! We put curly hair.

01:18:16.798 --> 01:18:19.766
And initially we put the hair
everywhere-- even the top
of the penis.

01:18:19.801 --> 01:18:24.637
And it looked
like my uncle Phil.
Like, 'hey, how are you?'

01:18:24.671 --> 01:18:27.006
So we just went with
a topiary thing,

01:18:27.041 --> 01:18:28.575
which was kind of fun.

01:18:28.609 --> 01:18:30.778
And then the females went,
'we'll go down there now.'

01:18:30.812 --> 01:18:32.780
Thank you, ladies.
Thank you.

01:18:32.814 --> 01:18:35.783
Which is cool because you
can start the penis orally--
thank you;

01:18:35.817 --> 01:18:39.119
Manually-- thank you, Manuel,
for finding that out;

01:18:39.153 --> 01:18:42.122
finger in the ass--
Ted found that out.

01:18:42.156 --> 01:18:45.158
He said it was
an accident.

01:18:45.192 --> 01:18:47.127
Kidder.

01:18:47.161 --> 01:18:50.497
And if you play with the balls,
the penis likes that.

01:18:50.532 --> 01:18:51.832
It's kind of fun.

01:18:51.867 --> 01:18:54.034
But we did find out a negative
thing about the balls.

01:18:54.068 --> 01:18:56.002
If you hit them
really hard,

01:18:56.037 --> 01:18:58.837
it's a total
system reset.

01:18:59.806 --> 01:19:03.209
It's like...

01:19:03.243 --> 01:19:05.611
if it was a slot machine,
it would pay. It was
kind of rough.

01:19:05.645 --> 01:19:08.547
But that's essentially
the design for the penis.

01:19:08.581 --> 01:19:10.849
Initially we gave the male
about 800 sperms

01:19:10.883 --> 01:19:13.185
and those were gone
in a millisecond.

01:19:13.219 --> 01:19:16.388
And now we give him
8 to 9 billion, and he
shoots them everywhere:

01:19:16.422 --> 01:19:18.758
tits, drapes.

01:19:18.792 --> 01:19:22.261
We found some on the ceiling.
Those are the overachievers.

01:19:22.295 --> 01:19:24.764
We hope some make it
to the vagina.

01:19:24.798 --> 01:19:27.300
In terms of the vagina,
Carl's in charge of
the vagina project.

01:19:27.334 --> 01:19:29.303
Carl, what did
you come up with?"

01:19:29.337 --> 01:19:30.971
"well, normally with
the mammal vagina,

01:19:31.006 --> 01:19:32.706
you have the genital slit
or opening.

01:19:32.741 --> 01:19:34.174
We decided to accessorize it."

01:19:34.208 --> 01:19:35.975
"what did you accessorize
it with, Carl?"

01:19:36.010 --> 01:19:37.909
"curtains.

01:19:37.944 --> 01:19:41.746
We just thought it makes it
less of an opening and more
of a show, really.

01:19:41.780 --> 01:19:45.550
Kind of-- we had
some old lips lying around.
We said, 'try those!

01:19:45.584 --> 01:19:47.352
Let's give it a go.'

01:19:47.386 --> 01:19:50.655
And initially we made it
horizontal, and...

01:19:50.690 --> 01:19:53.091
the damn thing talked.

01:19:56.162 --> 01:19:58.329
<i>It was weird.</i>

01:19:59.831 --> 01:20:01.699
And the first time it talked,
the males were going,

01:20:01.733 --> 01:20:04.301
'I'm not going down there
if it talks!

01:20:04.335 --> 01:20:07.771
I've already got
one opinion down here!
I don't need a second one!'

01:20:07.806 --> 01:20:09.973
Fine.

01:20:10.008 --> 01:20:13.109
So now we made it vertical
and now it just farts.

01:20:13.143 --> 01:20:16.012
So-- and the first time it went,
it was like... ( neighs ).

01:20:16.047 --> 01:20:18.049
'easy, big fella.'

01:20:18.083 --> 01:20:20.084
And the asshole got offended,
saying, 'that's my job!'

01:20:20.119 --> 01:20:22.287
'okay, hold on.

01:20:22.321 --> 01:20:24.722
Yours will smell.
Not to worry. Not to worry.'

01:20:24.756 --> 01:20:28.024
But we needed something
kind of special--
one last little thing

01:20:28.058 --> 01:20:30.859
that would really work.
And Clint came up with
a brilliant idea.

01:20:30.893 --> 01:20:33.729
And I think we're
gonna name it--
it's kind of wonderful.

01:20:33.763 --> 01:20:35.064
Clint, what was your idea?"

01:20:35.098 --> 01:20:37.067
"a doorbell."
"thank you, Clint.

01:20:37.101 --> 01:20:40.404
You ring the doorbell,
the curtains open.
It's kind of fun.

01:20:40.438 --> 01:20:44.308
Some guys can't find it.
Others don't know when to
stop ringing it.

01:20:44.343 --> 01:20:47.545
But you ring the doorbell,
the curtains open,

01:20:47.579 --> 01:20:50.748
the penis goes inside.
And Tom worked out
some choreography

01:20:50.782 --> 01:20:53.584
for the balls that's
kind of fun. That's really...

01:21:00.658 --> 01:21:02.993
it gets everything
ready to go.

01:21:03.027 --> 01:21:05.929
And the sperms fly out up into
the human female.

01:21:05.963 --> 01:21:07.998
She carries the egg.
Normally we gave it--

01:21:08.032 --> 01:21:09.900
we tried first giving
the egg to the male.

01:21:09.934 --> 01:21:12.102
He kept losing it.
And we went, 'fine.'

01:21:12.137 --> 01:21:14.305
We gave it to the female.
She carries it.

01:21:14.339 --> 01:21:17.073
And then we thought,
'the male will be in charge
of feeding the infant.'

01:21:17.107 --> 01:21:19.575
We gave the human male
two breasts.

01:21:19.610 --> 01:21:22.311
And the male is like, 'ha!'
'okay, nipples. That's all.'

01:21:22.345 --> 01:21:25.547
We thought, 'the female
will be in charge of feeding
the infant too.'

01:21:25.582 --> 01:21:27.516
So we gave her six breasts
like a mammal.

01:21:27.550 --> 01:21:29.951
And the male was like,
'ha ha! Ah ha ha!'

01:21:29.952 --> 01:21:32.721
'two hands, two tits!
That's it.'

01:21:34.089 --> 01:21:37.625
And so the female will,
carry the infant to term'

01:21:37.660 --> 01:21:39.928
and it will come out
through the curtains.

01:21:39.963 --> 01:21:42.198
And they get wide...

01:21:42.232 --> 01:21:45.602
like Broadway.

01:21:45.636 --> 01:21:47.737
And she'll also
feed the infant.

01:21:47.771 --> 01:21:49.939
The male will assist.
Ha ha!

01:21:51.141 --> 01:21:54.110
But we do have one major
design flaw.

01:21:54.144 --> 01:21:56.646
We've tried to wire
the penis to the conscience

01:21:56.681 --> 01:21:58.814
and it keeps
short circuiting."

01:21:58.849 --> 01:22:01.350
And it's weird too--
the whole thing.

01:22:01.384 --> 01:22:03.285
I mean, every since I was
a little boy, it was like,

01:22:03.319 --> 01:22:05.653
The first time
I was cleaning it,
it went off. "I'm sorry!"

01:22:05.688 --> 01:22:07.688
And then later on
it was like, breasts.

01:22:07.723 --> 01:22:09.823
"breasts breasts!
Aha ha ha!"

01:22:09.858 --> 01:22:11.825
Vagina.
"vagina vagina!"

01:22:11.860 --> 01:22:14.727
And by the time you get
to be 58,

01:22:14.762 --> 01:22:17.229
it gets a little
more difficult.

01:22:17.263 --> 01:22:19.998
"okay, here's what
you gotta do:

01:22:20.032 --> 01:22:22.667
You put a sparkler
in your ass.

01:22:22.701 --> 01:22:25.836
I'll set my pubic hair
on fire.

01:22:25.870 --> 01:22:28.872
You put on a German
army helmet.

01:22:28.906 --> 01:22:31.841
You jump off the couch
yelling, 'fire in the hole!'

01:22:31.876 --> 01:22:34.711
That might work.
I don't know."

01:22:36.747 --> 01:22:39.248
And then...

01:22:39.283 --> 01:22:42.151
If that doesn't work,
there's always pornography.

01:22:42.186 --> 01:22:44.320
And the definition of
pornography is quite simple:

01:22:44.354 --> 01:22:47.656
Erotic is using a feather;
pornography is using
the entire chicken,

01:22:47.690 --> 01:22:49.524
which is weird.

01:22:49.559 --> 01:22:51.893
And I've been watching
a little bit of porn since
I've been on the road.

01:22:51.927 --> 01:22:53.728
"a little?"
shut up. That's fine.

01:22:53.763 --> 01:22:56.197
And with porn movies, they
don't have coming attractions

01:22:56.232 --> 01:22:58.700
'cause if it was, you'd be like,
"oh, done. Thank you. Fine."

01:22:58.735 --> 01:23:01.103
With porn movies,
when you're watching them,

01:23:01.137 --> 01:23:03.438
it's basically, they're
an hour and a half long.

01:23:03.473 --> 01:23:06.341
And who watches an entire
fucking porn movie?

01:23:06.375 --> 01:23:09.544
One guy up there going,
"I do."

01:23:09.578 --> 01:23:12.179
But an entire porn-- an hour
and a half long?

01:23:12.214 --> 01:23:15.482
Even with fast forwarding--
fast forwarding you're like,
"ahhhhh!

01:23:15.517 --> 01:23:18.819
Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!"

01:23:18.853 --> 01:23:21.688
What?

01:23:21.723 --> 01:23:23.156
No!

01:23:23.191 --> 01:23:24.825
And the one thing you don't
want with porn

01:23:24.859 --> 01:23:27.527
is basically slow motion,
'cause it's like, "haaa."

01:23:28.429 --> 01:23:31.197
Prrrggh! "ahhh!"

01:23:31.232 --> 01:23:35.002
( slow groaning )

01:23:39.475 --> 01:23:42.544
And the acting--
the acting in porn movies

01:23:42.578 --> 01:23:44.845
is always so bad.
There's always that
one girl who's like...

01:23:44.879 --> 01:23:46.513
( giggling )

01:23:47.749 --> 01:23:49.850
It's not Miss America.
Stay with the dick!

01:23:49.884 --> 01:23:52.386
What are you doing?

01:23:52.420 --> 01:23:54.889
And why do they always have to
have such bad actors?

01:23:54.923 --> 01:23:58.125
They're always like,
"I'm going to fuck you...

01:23:58.159 --> 01:23:59.893
so hard."

01:23:59.928 --> 01:24:03.664
Even my right hand is going,
"I don't believe him."

01:24:03.698 --> 01:24:06.066
But there's scripts.
There's scripts for porn movies.

01:24:06.100 --> 01:24:08.969
Somebody's writing this stuff
going, "'I'm going
to fuck you...

01:24:09.003 --> 01:24:11.004
So hard...

01:24:15.243 --> 01:24:18.478
You little whore.'
okay, that's it for today."

01:24:18.512 --> 01:24:21.113
And then they're on a
porn movie set going, "'I'm
going to fuck you...'

01:24:21.148 --> 01:24:23.381
Line?"

01:24:23.416 --> 01:24:25.017
"fuck you hard,
you little whore."

01:24:25.051 --> 01:24:27.186
"thank you!
I just need a moment."

01:24:27.221 --> 01:24:29.856
And that's fucking weird too.
And there's been porn
for centuries.

01:24:29.890 --> 01:24:32.726
Was there radio porn?
Was there George Burns going,

01:24:32.760 --> 01:24:35.262
"well, tea-bag me, Gracie."
I don't know.

01:24:35.296 --> 01:24:38.265
Did John Wayne have a "Brokeback
Mountain" moment of going,

01:24:38.299 --> 01:24:41.635
"well, stuffy, we're going up
the old jizzom trail right now.

01:24:41.669 --> 01:24:43.770
God damn it,
here we go."

01:24:43.804 --> 01:24:47.507
And Walter Brennan going,
"oh, duke, you're tearing
my ass apart! Gad ya!

01:24:47.541 --> 01:24:50.244
I can't quit ya!
I can't God damn quit ya!"

01:24:50.278 --> 01:24:52.079
Was Gregory Peck going,

01:24:52.113 --> 01:24:54.882
"I'm going to glaze you
like a danish."

01:24:57.186 --> 01:24:58.987
Did Jimmy Stewart
basically go,

01:24:59.022 --> 01:25:02.291
"well, just play with my balls.
Just a little bit. Yeah.

01:25:02.326 --> 01:25:04.627
Just dangle
the twins around.

01:25:04.662 --> 01:25:08.098
And put a finger in my heinie
if you're a friend. Yeah!

01:25:08.132 --> 01:25:11.935
Two if you're a pal.
Yeah."

01:25:11.970 --> 01:25:15.540
There's one guy who
could do porn and I think
we all would watch.

01:25:15.575 --> 01:25:17.376
That guy is
Chris Walken.

01:25:17.411 --> 01:25:19.012
Oh God, yes.

01:25:19.046 --> 01:25:21.047
Oh my God,
he would be amazing.

01:25:21.082 --> 01:25:22.582
Chris would be up there going,

01:25:22.617 --> 01:25:25.119
"I'm... inside you.

01:25:27.589 --> 01:25:31.426
So deep inside you now,
fucking you now,

01:25:31.461 --> 01:25:34.930
inside you,
deep inside you now, yes, now.

01:25:34.965 --> 01:25:38.668
I came...
an hour ago."

01:25:40.504 --> 01:25:43.273
And it's not bad enough
they make porn movies.

01:25:43.308 --> 01:25:45.442
They make porn movies
of my movies.

01:25:45.477 --> 01:25:48.845
They made "Goodwill Humping."
it's okay.

01:25:48.879 --> 01:25:51.846
"Wet Dreams May Come."
all right.

01:25:51.881 --> 01:25:54.315
"Snatch Adams."
that was scary.

01:25:54.350 --> 01:25:57.618
A clown with a strap-on.
Fuck off!

01:25:57.653 --> 01:26:00.555
You know, "Popeye"
I would watch.

01:26:00.589 --> 01:26:03.023
Popeye would be like,
"oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl,

01:26:03.057 --> 01:26:04.591
Come on now, yeah!

01:26:04.625 --> 01:26:06.724
Blow me now. Yeah.

01:26:06.758 --> 01:26:09.357
Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah.
You got no tits and a tight box.

01:26:11.358 --> 01:26:15.425
Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack!
Yeah!

01:26:15.460 --> 01:26:18.560
Ahhh! Ahhh!

01:26:18.595 --> 01:26:20.727
Ooh!
I creamed me spinach!

01:26:20.761 --> 01:26:22.428
Yeah."

01:26:22.463 --> 01:26:24.396
Good night!

01:26:24.430 --> 01:26:27.298
<i>( cheering )</i>

01:26:28.333 --> 01:26:31.267
Whoo! Oh my God.

01:26:53.151 --> 01:26:56.786
Whoo!

01:26:56.821 --> 01:26:58.621
Whoa!

01:26:58.655 --> 01:27:00.456
Sit down quick!

01:27:00.490 --> 01:27:02.557
Thank you.

01:27:02.591 --> 01:27:04.625
Damn. Shoo!

01:27:04.659 --> 01:27:06.427
<i>- Thank you. Wow.
- Oooh!</i>

01:27:06.461 --> 01:27:08.262
This is-- "oooh!"
wow!

01:27:08.297 --> 01:27:11.798
<i>- ( cheering )
- oh!</i>

01:27:13.368 --> 01:27:15.101
Thank you, baby!

01:27:15.136 --> 01:27:17.136
This is weird. Right now
I feel like,

01:27:17.171 --> 01:27:19.405
"what are you gonna do now,
smart ass?

01:27:19.439 --> 01:27:24.042
You just did, 'ack ack!'
no, follow that.
Good luck, boy."

01:27:24.077 --> 01:27:26.345
It's weird. Some people
say I look like Bono,

01:27:26.379 --> 01:27:28.513
and I'm going,
"what the fuck are you on?"

01:27:28.548 --> 01:27:31.383
But it said that Bono was
onstage recently in Scotland

01:27:31.417 --> 01:27:33.451
and it got very quiet
like right now.

01:27:33.486 --> 01:27:35.453
And he started
clapping his hands.

01:27:35.488 --> 01:27:37.589
And he said, "every time
I clap my hands,

01:27:37.623 --> 01:27:39.524
a child in Africa dies.

01:27:39.558 --> 01:27:41.426
And from the back of
the Scottish audience,
somebody went,

01:27:41.460 --> 01:27:44.163
"then stop fucking
clapping your hands!"

01:27:49.736 --> 01:27:51.770
It's weird though.

01:27:51.804 --> 01:27:54.072
I want to do something
kind of special right now

01:27:54.106 --> 01:27:55.874
and dedicate it to
a friend of mine.

01:27:55.908 --> 01:27:58.543
It was a man I knew--
a very interesting guy--

01:27:58.578 --> 01:28:00.378
Walter Cronkite.
Incredible man.

01:28:00.413 --> 01:28:02.914
And we worked together on
a Disney project years ago.

01:28:02.949 --> 01:28:05.450
<i>( applause )</i>

01:28:05.485 --> 01:28:08.920
And he was a very
eloquent

01:28:08.954 --> 01:28:11.422
and elegant man, but
Walter had another side.

01:28:11.457 --> 01:28:13.291
Basically, he liked
his jokes

01:28:13.325 --> 01:28:15.159
like he liked his ocean,
a little blue.

01:28:15.194 --> 01:28:17.095
So I would like to do
a joke right now

01:28:17.129 --> 01:28:19.497
for Walter as Walter
in his memory.

01:28:19.531 --> 01:28:22.867
( as Cronkite )
a man and his wife

01:28:22.902 --> 01:28:25.603
are having sex.

01:28:25.638 --> 01:28:28.840
They're going at it
hot and heavy.

01:28:28.874 --> 01:28:32.643
Suddenly they
hear a noise.

01:28:32.677 --> 01:28:34.778
It's their little
son Timmy

01:28:34.813 --> 01:28:37.181
standing in
the doorway.

01:28:37.215 --> 01:28:41.184
Timmy is shocked and
runs out of the room.

01:28:41.219 --> 01:28:42.920
The father goes,

01:28:42.954 --> 01:28:46.256
"I'll go talk
to Timmy."

01:28:46.290 --> 01:28:49.959
He goes to Timmy's room.
He opens the door.

01:28:49.993 --> 01:28:53.128
And little Timmy is
giving it hot and heavy

01:28:53.162 --> 01:28:55.229
to grandma.

01:28:55.264 --> 01:28:56.997
The father goes,

01:28:57.032 --> 01:28:58.799
"oh my God."

01:28:58.833 --> 01:29:00.433
And little Timmy says,

01:29:00.468 --> 01:29:04.970
"not so funny when
it's your mother, is it?"

01:29:05.005 --> 01:29:06.638
Good night!

01:29:06.673 --> 01:29:08.841
Thank you, D.C.!

01:29:08.875 --> 01:29:11.043
God bless you!

01:29:11.078 --> 01:29:12.445
<i>Buenas noches!</i>

01:29:12.479 --> 01:29:13.646
The peeps in the top!

01:29:13.680 --> 01:29:16.314
Thank you!
May we have health care!

01:29:16.348 --> 01:29:18.949
God bless you!
Have a good night!

01:29:20.351 --> 01:29:21.651
Whoo!

01:29:23.954 --> 01:29:25.521
Oh!

01:29:26.522 --> 01:29:31.522
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for addic7ed.Com --