[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.88,0:00:04.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Robin Williams\NWeapons of Self Destruction\NOriginal Air Date on Decemer 6, 2009
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.88,0:00:06.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}( audience cheering,\Napplauding ){\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.98,0:00:09.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}( rock music playing ){\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.48,0:00:13.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,-- Sync, corrected by elderman --\N-- for addic7ed.Com --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.92,0:00:17.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Announcer:\NLadies and gentlemen,{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.42,0:00:20.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Please welcome\NRobin Williams!{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.39,0:00:22.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( cheering )
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.37,0:00:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.10,0:00:36.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Please.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.21,0:00:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sit down!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.04,0:00:43.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.65,0:00:46.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.15,0:00:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's up, D.C.?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.05,0:00:52.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, indeed!\NYes, indeed!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.69,0:00:54.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}( cheering, hooting ){\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.49,0:00:56.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wow, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.13,0:01:00.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mmm.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.69,0:01:03.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Please,\NI've had heart surgery.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.26,0:01:06.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.06,0:01:08.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's nice to be in Washington,\Nwhere the buck stops here.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.97,0:01:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Way to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.70,0:01:12.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then it's\Nhanded out to A.I.G.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.60,0:01:14.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and many other people.\NNow...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.51,0:01:16.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have the new\NTimothy Geithner $20-bill.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.94,0:01:18.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just been printed,\Nkind of neat.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.97,0:01:20.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead of\N"in god we trust,"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.54,0:01:22.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It just says\N"trust me."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.84,0:01:26.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it says\N"spend before Tuesday."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.48,0:01:29.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also\Ninstead of Andrew Jackson,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.25,0:01:31.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it has the little man\Nfrom monopoly going--
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.99,0:01:35.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know many of you\Nhave been looking
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.72,0:01:37.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for Sarah Palin's book.\NIt is a bitch to find.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.49,0:01:39.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good luck.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.56,0:01:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found it somewhere between\Nfiction and non-fiction
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.06,0:01:44.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the fantasy aisle.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.26,0:01:46.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was kind of fun.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.93,0:01:48.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.20,0:01:53.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you get-- do you get\Nthe feeling with Sarah Palin,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.94,0:01:56.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In high school\Nshe was voted least\Nlikely to write a book
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.64,0:01:58.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most likely to burn one?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.34,0:02:00.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you think\Nthat might've been--
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.07,0:02:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she's pretty wild.\NBaby, I love her.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.58,0:02:05.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also, Oprah--\NOprah has retired--
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.01,0:02:08.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is gonna retire her show.\NPlease say it isn't so!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.45,0:02:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oprah's gonna\Nretire her show.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.65,0:02:12.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope she's not bummed out\Nabout losing the Olympics.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.02,0:02:15.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope that's not it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.32,0:02:16.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't really fair.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.02,0:02:18.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Chicago sent\NOprah and Michelle,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.56,0:02:21.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Brazil sent 50 strippers\Nand a pound of blow.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.39,0:02:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, what?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.53,0:02:28.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you think the Olympic\Ncommittee was going
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.90,0:02:31.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oprah? Shaved pussy?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.54,0:02:38.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oprah, would you--\Nokay, we're gonna\Nhave to go this way."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.41,0:02:40.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who the fuck thinks
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.88,0:02:43.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that Rio is safer\Nthan Chicago?!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.08,0:02:44.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My God.\NThey're gonna have to make
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.91,0:02:47.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kidnapping and waxing\NOlympic events.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.15,0:02:51.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Degree of difficulty: 5.3.\N( mimics ripping noises )
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.75,0:02:57.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it is interesting.\NThey have the Winter Olympics\Nin Vancouver
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.69,0:02:59.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the torch is heading\Nacross Canada right now
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.89,0:03:02.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and already in B.C.\Nthey're lighting torches going--
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.06,0:03:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( choked )\N"we're waiting."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.63,0:03:06.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on, you folks who\Njust came from Capitol Hill.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.43,0:03:07.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on down.\NWhere do you go?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.96,0:03:10.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How are you, my friends?\NGrab some seats.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.06,0:03:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- You were caught in--\N- ( audience shouting )
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.37,0:03:13.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.70,0:03:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}- ( woman shouts )\N- that's your old boss?{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.47,0:03:20.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you fuck him?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.08,0:03:24.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sorry. Okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.91,0:03:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not an inappropriate\Nquestion to ask in Washington.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.32,0:03:34.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. And he's\Ngoing, "no! No!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.39,0:03:36.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was just a page,\Nit's okay!"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.92,0:03:41.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was weird.\NIn California this summer
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.23,0:03:43.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the State Parks\Ncaught on fire
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.29,0:03:44.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was sad
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.83,0:03:46.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because these parks\Nare full of weed.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.66,0:03:48.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's bad news.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.73,0:03:51.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like-- even the guys\Nfighting the fires
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.36,0:03:53.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are like...\N( laughing )
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.93,0:03:56.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"fuck! Oh my God!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.27,0:03:58.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Make another\Nrainbow, Tommy!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.00,0:04:01.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh my God!"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.37,0:04:03.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.14,0:04:07.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even Smokey the Bear\Nwas going,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.08,0:04:08.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"only you can--
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.88,0:04:13.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shit, I knew this.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.01,0:04:16.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.28,0:04:19.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And California weed\Nis kick-ass fucking weed.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.79,0:04:21.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is weed\Nthat even Jamaicans go,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.76,0:04:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh, don't smoke\Nthat weed, man."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.32,0:04:26.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's California catatonic.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.32,0:04:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the type\Nof weed you hit it\Nand it's like...
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.49,0:04:31.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck! Shit!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.76,0:04:35.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not doing something.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.16,0:04:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is it?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.100,0:04:38.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh right, breathe!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.53,0:04:40.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( exhales )
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.54,0:04:43.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you get so stoned,\Nyou end up sitting on your couch
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.50,0:04:45.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for a week to the point\Nwhere your cat's going,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.44,0:04:48.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"get up, you asshole!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.41,0:04:51.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been eating my own shit\Nfor the last two days!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.64,0:04:54.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know I'm mellow,\Nbut this is fucking ridiculous!"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.88,0:04:58.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if they legalize it,\Nthey're going to have\Nto regulate it
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.28,0:05:00.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're going\Nto have to a warning\Non a box of joints.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.35,0:05:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's going to have to say,\N"Surgeon General has determined
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.66,0:05:06.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}this will make\Nyour music awesome.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.39,0:05:10.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even Yanni.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.03,0:05:14.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you thought you\Nenjoyed cartoons before..."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.20,0:05:18.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if they're\Ngonna have ads--
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.77,0:05:20.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're gonna have ads\Nand it'll be like
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.34,0:05:22.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of the Marlboro man,\Nit'll be the Mendocino man.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.27,0:05:24.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It'll be a cowboy\Non the back of a horse going,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.27,0:05:26.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"shit, am I thirsty.\NGod damn."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.81,0:05:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even the horse will be going,\N"I don't know where\Nthe fuck I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.41,0:05:33.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn, I got a little\Ncotton mouth here.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.81,0:05:36.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn it."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.52,0:05:38.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the weird fucking thing\Nwith these weather systems--
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.88,0:05:41.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the storms right now\Nhave been fucking insane.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.42,0:05:43.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kick-ass tornados\Nin the midwest.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.69,0:05:45.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It used to be in the midwest\Nwhen you had a tornado,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.76,0:05:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was like everybody\Nget in the root cellar.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.46,0:05:49.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not anymore. You fuckers\Nare like "get a video camera!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.46,0:05:51.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get outside!\NFilm it, Bobby!"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.70,0:05:53.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How's the tornado?\N"it just blew my pants off.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.60,0:05:55.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Keep shooting.\NFuckin'-a!"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.93,0:05:58.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know the difference\Nbetween a tornado
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.07,0:05:59.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and divorce in the South?\NNothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.60,0:06:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone's losing\Ntheir trailer, number one.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.04,0:06:04.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, mmm!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.17,0:06:05.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.24,0:06:10.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The hurricanes have been getting\Nbigger and fucking bigger.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.01,0:06:13.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they usually\Ngive them names that\Ndon't really inspire fear.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.85,0:06:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like hurricane Terrence\Ndoes not inspire fear.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.68,0:06:20.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This sounds like\Na slightly gay hurricane.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.75,0:06:22.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where are you going?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.82,0:06:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I might go to Boca.\NI might go to South Beach.\NI don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.66,0:06:29.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All I know is\Nblowing is involved.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.96,0:06:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Yes!"{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.56,0:06:36.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they should name\Nthe hurricanes
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.16,0:06:37.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After the people\Nit's gonna be fucking with.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.67,0:06:39.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If it's going to Texas--\Nhurricane Billy Ray.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.77,0:06:41.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on now.\NWhat are you gonna do?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.84,0:06:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"fuck shit up!\NThat's what goes on."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.07,0:06:46.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If it's off the coast\Nof Miami-- hurricane Bernie.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.61,0:06:48.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hello!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.24,0:06:50.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He took our 401k.\NThe goniff's coming back\Nfor the house.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.44,0:06:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Move out!\NLet's fucking go!"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.48,0:06:55.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when they\Nnamed a hurricane
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.38,0:06:57.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hurricane Ike,\NI went, finally,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.45,0:06:59.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they have the balls\Nto name a hurricane
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.12,0:07:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after a crack-smoking,\Nwife-beating motherfucker.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.15,0:07:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah!
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.85,0:07:05.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even Tina Turner would go,\N"you'd better get your shit
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.09,0:07:06.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and get out of the house.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.02,0:07:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause Ike never\Ndoes anything nice\Nand easy. Never."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.50,0:07:12.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the hurricanes\Nhave been getting so big
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.03,0:07:14.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that even the guy\Non the weather channel
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.66,0:07:16.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is freaked out.\NHe's going, "okay,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.23,0:07:18.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let's go to our new\Nhurricane weather map--
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.14,0:07:20.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Fuck!{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.44,0:07:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}This is hurricane Shavon.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.94,0:07:26.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The map is\Nthe entire South
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.07,0:07:28.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}The asshole in the middle\Nis Dallas.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.38,0:07:33.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Um, crazy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.35,0:07:40.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Back to you, Ted.\NI just shit myself."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.75,0:07:43.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they always\Ngo down to some poor fuckers
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.09,0:07:45.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the coast\Nin the middle of the storm
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.15,0:07:47.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hoing, "carl, how's it down\Nthere on the coast?"\N"not bad!
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.86,0:07:51.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Seems to be kicking up!"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.39,0:07:53.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then there's always\Nthe aftermath
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.26,0:07:54.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where they interview\Nsome family
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.90,0:07:56.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,standing in the wreckage\Nof their beach house
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.86,0:07:58.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're always going like,\N"hurricane came
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.60,0:08:00.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and tore everything up.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.90,0:08:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we had just rebuilt."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.14,0:08:05.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Time out.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.31,0:08:08.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How often do you rebuild?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.18,0:08:10.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"every year."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.08,0:08:11.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do you rebuild here?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.81,0:08:14.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we love the view."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.15,0:08:16.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you may want to get\Nsome styrofoam furniture
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.18,0:08:18.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that goes up\Nand fucking down.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.95,0:08:22.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some things that you\Ncan hose off maybe.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.92,0:08:26.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the weird thing is,\NI can't give them shit.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.79,0:08:28.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like in California.\NI live on God's etch-a-sketch.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.99,0:08:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's crazy.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.36,0:08:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have earthquakes\Nevery other day.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.16,0:08:36.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you get kind of blasé.\NLike, "oh, fuck.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.10,0:08:38.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,2.5, not bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.00,0:08:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, shit!
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.17,0:08:44.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,5.8. Maybe we should\Nhave drinks outsides.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.30,0:08:46.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's go."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.64,0:08:49.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they always talk\Nabout the big one.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.71,0:08:53.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in a 7.5 earthquake.\NThat was a "fuck me" moment.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.28,0:08:54.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was a--\N( screams )
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.78,0:08:56.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they went,\N"that was not the big one."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.82,0:08:58.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really? Well, what will\Nthe big one be?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.38,0:09:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, in the big one,\Nif there is the big earthquake,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.92,0:09:03.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nevada will be wine country,\Nnumber one."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.96,0:09:06.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when will\Nthe big one be?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.59,0:09:08.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, we have a window\Nof opportunity."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.12,0:09:10.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, what will that be?\N"could be tomorrow...
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.93,0:09:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or 10,000 years from now."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.96,0:09:16.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, thanks\Nfor the fucking heads-up
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.70,0:09:18.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only warning you have\Nis if your cat
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.40,0:09:21.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is spread-eagle\Nin the doorway like--\N( howls )
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.10,0:09:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get the fuck out.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.94,0:09:25.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if your parrot\Nstarts going,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.60,0:09:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"pack the car!\NPack the car!
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.57,0:09:30.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Food and water!\NFood and water!"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.48,0:09:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Also, if you\Nhave a parrot,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.91,0:09:34.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do not leave them\Nin the bedroom.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.75,0:09:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They hear everything.\NAll of the sudden you'll\Nhave guests over for dinner
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.92,0:09:41.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the parrot will go\N"not the ass." whoa-ho-ho!
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.15,0:09:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Petey!
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.49,0:09:46.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( chuckles )\Nhe's been watching porn again.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.79,0:09:49.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"fuck me, Teddy!\NFuck me hard!"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.09,0:09:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Honey, who's Teddy?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.66,0:09:56.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hmm.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.93,0:10:00.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the weird thing is
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.60,0:10:03.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you try and do\Nyour part to reduce\Nyour carbon footprint.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.90,0:10:06.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you have a hybrid,\NGod bless you, sweet cars.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.20,0:10:09.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But especially if you drive\Nthem outside a major city,\Nyou get into little cities
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.48,0:10:11.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially in the South,\Nit becomes kind of interesting.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.71,0:10:13.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you pull into a small\Ngas station, it's like,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.51,0:10:15.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what the fuck is this?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.45,0:10:17.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bobby, get over here.\NIt's one of them new inbreds!
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.68,0:10:20.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Look at this\Nmotherfucker.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.78,0:10:23.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shit, looks like Volkswagen\Nfucked a golf cart.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.09,0:10:25.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.19,0:10:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not\Nhear you come in.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.56,0:10:30.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You may want\Nto put some cards
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.99,0:10:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the spokes\Nof your wheels
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.69,0:10:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so you make\Nsome fucking noise."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.43,0:10:37.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's why there's not gonna\Nbe any NASCAR hybrid race.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.76,0:10:39.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A NASCAR hybrid\Nrace would be like,\N"here they come."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.97,0:10:42.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( blowing softly )
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.87,0:10:44.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I love\Nthe guys who say,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.97,0:10:46.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I watch NASCAR\Nfor the racing."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.50,0:10:48.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, I watch porn\Nfor the acting.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.11,0:10:50.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You liar!
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.48,0:10:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You watch NASCAR\Nto see team viagra
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.51,0:10:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,spin out in flames\Nand the guy get out
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.28,0:10:56.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with his pubes on fire\Ngoing, "I'm okay!"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.88,0:10:58.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was a guy\Nin the South who said,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.42,0:11:00.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"they should have\NNASCAR in the Olympics."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.18,0:11:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was like, mm-hmm.\NAt that moment ever Darwin
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.55,0:11:04.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was going,\N"come with me."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.56,0:11:08.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the ascent of man.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.12,0:11:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You stand here.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.59,0:11:13.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's weird too.\NIf you recycle, God bless you.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.63,0:11:15.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You recycle, good for you,\Ncongratulations.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.70,0:11:17.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you recycle,\Nthere is one group
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.50,0:11:20.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is really pissed off.\NThat group are the raccoons.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.27,0:11:22.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are going through\Nyour recycling like,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.97,0:11:25.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( irish accent )\N"what the fuck is this shit?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.57,0:11:28.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where are the hefty bags?\NThe piñata of life
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.50,0:11:31.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that used to feed an entire\Nfucking family?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.44,0:11:33.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is glass and plastic.\NI can't digest this shit,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.94,0:11:36.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you green asshole!
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.41,0:11:39.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm spreading this shit\Nall over your lawn!
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.32,0:11:41.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm taking a dump\Nin your pool too."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.88,0:11:44.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know why I made\Nthe raccoons Irish,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.75,0:11:46.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it works.\NNow...
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.26,0:11:54.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're ballsy\Nlittle motherfuckers too.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.03,0:11:56.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You turn on the light,\Nthey look at you like,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.70,0:11:58.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what the fuck\Nyou gonna do?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.80,0:12:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got a skunk as backup.\NDon't make me call him."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.50,0:12:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they've got those\Nlittle jazz paws.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.83,0:12:05.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"jazz paws!"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.40,0:12:07.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They can open\Ndoors, cabinets.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.10,0:12:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm amazed you don't\Ncome home and find them\Non the computer
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.27,0:12:11.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going, "I'm ordering shit.\NHow you doing?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.81,0:12:13.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The dog knows I'm here.\NI locked him
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.61,0:12:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the fucking closet.\NHe's an idiot. Too late."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.28,0:12:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the deer in California\Nhave total amnesty
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.68,0:12:21.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause they know no one's\Ngonna cap their ass
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.28,0:12:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and strap them to the front\Nof a Ranger Rover
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.12,0:12:24.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and go downtown\Nfor a mocha.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.58,0:12:26.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They walk through your yard\Nlike supermodels with hooves.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.82,0:12:28.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "hi.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.12,0:12:34.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are these your roses?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.80,0:12:39.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh my God,\Na deer fence."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.36,0:12:41.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( makes whooshing noise )
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.84,0:12:50.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I love\Nthe five point buck
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.57,0:12:54.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that jump out\Nin front of your car like,\N"I hope you're insured.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.31,0:12:56.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause I'm taking you out.\NThis is revenge
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.04,0:12:57.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for my brother who's hanging\Nin a bar in Tennessee.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.74,0:12:59.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck you."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.91,0:13:03.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we have coyotes,\Nwhich are like dogs on crack.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.85,0:13:06.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They come into your yard\Nlooking like, "hey! I'm a dog.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.12,0:13:09.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh! Ooh,\NI'm a fucking dog.\NHey! Psst, listen.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.52,0:13:12.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you have any small\Nanimals you don't need?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.62,0:13:15.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm sure your cat\Nis sitting in the back going,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.76,0:13:17.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I will shit in the box!
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.16,0:13:21.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't send me out there.\NThose things eat pussy!
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.57,0:13:23.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't send me out there!"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.17,0:13:25.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( hisses )
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.27,0:13:28.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you have\Na cat a a dog...
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.04,0:13:32.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they live together,\Ndo you think your cat
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.11,0:13:34.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mind-fucks your dog?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.08,0:13:36.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think it's fair.\NI think the moment\Nyou go to sleep
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.41,0:13:37.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the cat's like,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.88,0:13:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Scooby!"\N( hisses )
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.51,0:13:42.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yeah yeah?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.32,0:13:44.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, Scooby,\Nare you man's best friend?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.42,0:13:46.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh God, yeah.\NI love him. I love him!"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.25,0:13:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"really? Then where\Nare your balls?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.22,0:13:54.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"shit, they were\Nthere yesterday.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.59,0:13:56.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wondered why my ass\Ntasted differently."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.20,0:13:59.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm just saying\Nthat's weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.80,0:14:01.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, I'm just saying--"\N( hacking )
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.37,0:14:06.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm just saying that's\Nweird, that's all I'm saying."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.07,0:14:11.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people in California\Ngive their cats prozac.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.11,0:14:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How much more mellow\Ncan a fucking animal be?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.81,0:14:18.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's California,\Nwhere animals have\Nbetter healthcare
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.18,0:14:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than the rest\Nof the country.\NIt's fucking insane.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.41,0:14:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if the whole\Nhealthcare debate--
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.31,0:14:24.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to know how your\Ncongressman and senators\Nare gonna vote,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.82,0:14:27.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we should actually--\Nmaybe they should be\Nlike NASCAR drivers.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.65,0:14:29.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They should actually\Nhave to have jackets
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.69,0:14:32.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the names\Nof all the people\Nwho are sponsoring them.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.09,0:14:33.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wouldn't that be cool?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.82,0:14:36.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuckin'-a!\NYeah, baby.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.16,0:14:44.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then you might have a clue
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.23,0:14:46.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to why the fuck\Nthey voted that way.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.10,0:14:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"big drug company."\Ngot it! Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.84,0:14:50.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I have an alternative\Nhealthcare plan.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.47,0:14:52.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's called cash-for-clunkers-\Nfor-older-relatives.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.84,0:14:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of fun.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:54.64,0:14:58.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You sell grandma\Nfor parts.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.38,0:15:00.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grandma, you've\Ngot two kidneys.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.04,0:15:03.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need a porch.\NLet's do this.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.08,0:15:05.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And do not\Nsell grandma's kidneys
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.18,0:15:07.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to that Hasidic Rabbi\Nin New Jersey.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.28,0:15:10.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck. Who buys organs\Nfrom a Hasidic Rabbi
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.12,0:15:12.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Going, "I'm crazy Itzhak.\NCome on down.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.89,0:15:14.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm verklempt\Nwith values.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.62,0:15:16.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on down!\NI've got kidneys.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.36,0:15:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got livers.\NHow's the liver? Fresh!
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.86,0:15:20.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on down!
Dialogue: 0,0:15:20.59,0:15:22.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you order now,\Nyou'll get this lovely wallet
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.70,0:15:24.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,made from a Hasidic foreskin.\NYou rub it,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.40,0:15:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It becomes a suitcase.\NCome on down!
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.33,0:15:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on down!\NI'm open 24/6 for you!
Dialogue: 0,0:15:30.43,0:15:32.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Come on!"{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.67,0:15:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you have an older\Nrelative living with you
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.44,0:15:36.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That has dementia
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.97,0:15:38.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the temarketers\Nare calling,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.64,0:15:40.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,put her on the phone\Nwith the telemarketers.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.04,0:15:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It works.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.08,0:15:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After two hours\Nshe thinks she's talking
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.28,0:15:47.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to your long-lost\Ncousin Carl
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.85,0:15:51.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the fucking\Ntelemarketers will\Nnever call back again.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.52,0:15:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's weird too,\N'cause I had open heart surgery
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.72,0:15:56.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which lets you know exactly\Nwhat the fuck it is--\Nopen heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:56.66,0:15:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An angiogram does\Nnot let you know
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.66,0:16:00.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What they're going to do.\NAn angiogram is where they
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.62,0:16:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,go through your groin\Nto your heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.39,0:16:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And how knew that\Nthe way to man's heart\Nwas through his groin?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.99,0:16:06.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the women--\Nmany women are going,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.66,0:16:09.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we've known that forever.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:09.46,0:16:11.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.10,0:16:13.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Simple. You grab\Na man's balls,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:13.60,0:16:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,his heart will follow."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.00,0:16:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I found out\NI had a bad heart
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.67,0:16:21.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they did\Nan echocardiogram\Nand my heartbeat was like--
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.04,0:16:23.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( mimics irregular beating )
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.78,0:16:27.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My cardiologist went,\N"that's not good."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.18,0:16:28.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My latin friend said,\N"no, you could dance to that.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.95,0:16:30.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's kinda cool."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.48,0:16:32.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then they did\Nthe angiogram and I heard my--
Dialogue: 0,0:16:32.78,0:16:34.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( blowing raspberries )
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.95,0:16:36.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a blown valve\Nwhich makes me sound
Dialogue: 0,0:16:36.72,0:16:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a Chevrolet.\NLike what the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.99,0:16:40.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they started\Noffering me choices
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.92,0:16:42.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what type of valves\NI could get.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.49,0:16:43.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And here were\Nsome of my choices:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.99,0:16:45.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one--\Na porcine valve
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.63,0:16:47.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is a pig valve,\Nwhich is kind of cool
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.46,0:16:50.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you're\Nalready inoculated\Nfor swine flue, number one.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.77,0:16:52.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the side effects\Nis you can find truffles,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:52.97,0:16:55.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is kind of cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.47,0:16:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was hoping to get\Nan equine valve
Dialogue: 0,0:16:59.47,0:17:02.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause then you\Ncan hang out of your\Nshorts like, "oh my God..
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.44,0:17:05.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Baby, I'm sorry.\NI just got excited."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.24,0:17:06.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.71,0:17:08.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To get out of the house,\Nyou have to have a midget
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.41,0:17:11.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,jump on your back going,\N"we're going outside right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.32,0:17:15.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many months since\Nthe surgery?" five.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.98,0:17:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they offered me\Na mechanical valve
Dialogue: 0,0:17:18.95,0:17:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is kind of cool.\NI thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.56,0:17:22.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe I can get\Nthe new Apple iheart.\NThat would be great.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.42,0:17:26.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It comes with 20,000 emotions\Nand that would be--
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.53,0:17:28.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought,\Nwait a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.30,0:17:29.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I could get an iheart,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.83,0:17:31.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ladies, how about this?\NInstead of breast implants--
Dialogue: 0,0:17:31.93,0:17:34.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speakers.\NWouldn't that be cool?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:34.80,0:17:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll call 'em blue tits,\Nthey'll be compatible\Nwith the heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.57,0:17:40.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you can't\Nafford speakers,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:40.20,0:17:42.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just put in a squeak toy.\NWe're that simple.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.07,0:17:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That'd be great.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.78,0:17:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A lot of you men\Nwould be going--\N( squeaks )
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.41,0:17:47.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh yeah, baby."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.31,0:17:48.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( squeaking )
Dialogue: 0,0:17:49.01,0:17:51.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( laughing )
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.81,0:17:54.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'll put\Na whistle in my dick\Nso when you blow me--
Dialogue: 0,0:17:54.05,0:17:55.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoo!
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.28,0:18:00.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kind of fun, but...
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.32,0:18:02.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ended up getting a bovine\Nvalve which is a cow valve.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:02.96,0:18:05.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is kind of cool,\N'cause you can shit standing up.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.19,0:18:06.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's great.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.76,0:18:09.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Great to be here.\NNice to be here.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.16,0:18:12.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But after the surgery,\Nyou get very emotional.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.17,0:18:14.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like-- it's like weird.\NPeople go, "how are you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.20,0:18:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( crying )\NGod, thanks for asking.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.54,0:18:19.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I got so emotional,\NI thought instead of a valve
Dialogue: 0,0:18:19.24,0:18:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They gave me a tiny vagina.\NWhich is like-- what?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.88,0:18:25.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"how are you?"\Nmuch better now, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.08,0:18:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mmm. Oh God.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:28.55,0:18:30.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't use the paddles,\Njust rub me here.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:30.85,0:18:33.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There we go.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.32,0:18:34.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if this is\Nthe symbol for men,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:34.88,0:18:36.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this the symbol\Nfor women?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.98,0:18:38.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't jerk me off.\NI won't. God bless.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:38.59,0:18:40.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.72,0:18:43.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the surgery--\Nthe surgery went amazing.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:43.82,0:18:46.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a doctor who had\Ndone 4,000 surgeries.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:46.79,0:18:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All of them fucking amazing.\NThat was great.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:48.89,0:18:50.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't want a doctor\Nwho's done six surgeries,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.76,0:18:53.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,three of them haven't\Ngone that well.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:53.13,0:18:55.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't want a guy going,\N"let's see what happens."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:57.07,0:18:58.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the surgery\Nwas pretty amazing.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.64,0:19:00.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It went fantastic.\NFirst thing to come back online,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:00.54,0:19:02.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your heart--\N( beeps )
Dialogue: 0,0:19:02.11,0:19:04.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Great. And then your brain.\NLast thing, asshole.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:04.51,0:19:06.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( grunts )
Dialogue: 0,0:19:06.14,0:19:07.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The drugs make you\Nso constipated,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:07.71,0:19:09.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought they were gonna\Nhave to bring in a priest
Dialogue: 0,0:19:09.58,0:19:11.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do a rectal exorcism.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:11.48,0:19:14.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Demon turd,\Nfall from his ass!
Dialogue: 0,0:19:14.39,0:19:16.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The power of fiber\Ncompels you!
Dialogue: 0,0:19:16.99,0:19:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The power\Nof fiber compels you!
Dialogue: 0,0:19:22.19,0:19:24.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And after the surgery,\Nthey put you on a little
Dialogue: 0,0:19:24.13,0:19:25.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,self-medicator,\Nwhich is fucking great.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:25.76,0:19:27.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're like...\N( laughs )
Dialogue: 0,0:19:28.03,0:19:29.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to thank\Nmy anesthesiologist,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.53,0:19:31.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause I don't fucking\Nremember his name.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:31.83,0:19:33.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the drug they gave me\Nfor the surgery
Dialogue: 0,0:19:33.44,0:19:35.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a drug\Ncalled propofol
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.50,0:19:37.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is nicknamed\Nmilk of amnesia.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:37.57,0:19:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fucking insane drug.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:39.37,0:19:41.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had that\Nin a surgical situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:41.31,0:19:43.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Michael Jackson was\Ntaking propofol at home
Dialogue: 0,0:19:43.64,0:19:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To sleep.\NFuck off.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:46.98,0:19:49.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A doctor said,\N"taking propofol to sleep
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.18,0:19:50.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is like doing\Nchemotherapy
Dialogue: 0,0:19:50.68,0:19:53.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you're tired\Nof shaving your fucking head."
Dialogue: 0,0:19:53.89,0:19:56.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, no.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:56.49,0:19:58.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And do you think\Nthat when you die
Dialogue: 0,0:19:58.36,0:20:00.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get\Nto the other side\Nin the afterlife
Dialogue: 0,0:20:00.32,0:20:01.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They give you things\Nyou had in life?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:01.89,0:20:03.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like Michael got\Nto the other side\Nand it's like, Michael?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:03.79,0:20:05.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( high voice )\N"yes?"
Dialogue: 0,0:20:05.26,0:20:07.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have some\Nof your things here.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:07.70,0:20:09.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"really?"
Dialogue: 0,0:20:09.53,0:20:12.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One african-american nose.\NIs this yours?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:14.24,0:20:15.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yes."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:15.60,0:20:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have four others here.\NAre these yours?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:17.67,0:20:20.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"three of them are mine.\NOne's Latoya's."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:20.81,0:20:23.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you can't blame Michael.\NWe're a heavily medicated\Nsociety.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:23.84,0:20:26.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All the drugs we take--\Nprozac, effexor, valium.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:26.58,0:20:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought for\Nthe last 10 years
Dialogue: 0,0:20:28.21,0:20:30.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we've been on some\Nweird fucking drug--\Nthe whole country--
Dialogue: 0,0:20:30.72,0:20:33.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A drug called fuck-it-all.\NWhat a weird fucking drug.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:33.39,0:20:35.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we're just coming out of it\Nand we're kind of waking up.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:35.99,0:20:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like fuckin'-a.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:39.26,0:20:42.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's weird.\NIt's like you're going,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:42.36,0:20:45.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The last thing I remember was\Nthe economy was working
Dialogue: 0,0:20:45.36,0:20:47.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was\Na budget surplus.\NYeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:47.30,0:20:49.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where's Clinton?\N"we impeached him."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:49.67,0:20:51.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck!
Dialogue: 0,0:20:51.57,0:20:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For what?\N"a blowjob."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:53.17,0:20:55.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?\NWho did he blow, Putin?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:55.94,0:20:57.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:57.61,0:20:59.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No!
Dialogue: 0,0:21:02.68,0:21:05.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He got blown by\Na Jewish girl." wow!
Dialogue: 0,0:21:05.05,0:21:08.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He got head\Nfrom a Jewish girl?\NFuckin'-a!
Dialogue: 0,0:21:10.09,0:21:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they\Nimpeached him for that?\N"he lied about it."
Dialogue: 0,0:21:12.76,0:21:15.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's married.\NWho wouldn't?\NWhat the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:15.09,0:21:17.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, he lied about it\Nto Congress."
Dialogue: 0,0:21:17.06,0:21:19.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those fuckers\Nimpeached him?!
Dialogue: 0,0:21:19.56,0:21:23.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's like a group of lepers\Njudging a beauty contest.\NWhat the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:24.43,0:21:26.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wow, that's nuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:28.27,0:21:30.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No!
Dialogue: 0,0:21:32.70,0:21:34.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and then they\Nacquitted him."
Dialogue: 0,0:21:34.64,0:21:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cool, who was president\Nnext, Gore?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:36.58,0:21:38.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, Bush."\Nhe was already president.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:38.31,0:21:41.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, this was his son."\Noh, the one from Florida.\NHe's kinda cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:41.38,0:21:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, the one from Texas?"\Njunior?! Fuck.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:45.15,0:21:48.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My God, the one\Nwho traded Sammy Sosa?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:48.12,0:21:50.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:50.15,0:21:53.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How was he as president?\N"kinda goofy.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:53.86,0:21:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, he waved\Nat Stevie Wonder."\Nwhat the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:57.19,0:22:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like wow.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:01.09,0:22:05.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then what did he do?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:05.23,0:22:07.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"he took a lot of vacations."\Nand then what happened?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:07.43,0:22:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we got attacked."\Nby who?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:08.83,0:22:10.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Osama bin Laden."\Nthe guy from Afghanistan?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:10.70,0:22:12.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Didn't we used\Nto send him weapons?\N"yeah, I know."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:13.00,0:22:15.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We went after him, right?\N"yeah." did we get him?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:15.14,0:22:18.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"almost."\Nwhat do you mean almost?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:18.84,0:22:21.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we went after Hussein\Nbecause he had weapons\Nof mass destruction."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:21.78,0:22:24.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That guy from Syria.\NI knew that fuck would do this.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:24.08,0:22:26.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, the one from Iraq."\NSaddam Hussein?!
Dialogue: 0,0:22:26.08,0:22:28.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bush, senior, kicked his ass.\N"yeah, he did."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:28.62,0:22:30.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we got him?\N"oh fuck, we got him."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:30.79,0:22:33.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we found the weapons of\Nmass destruction? Because he\Nwould tell you where they are.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:33.69,0:22:36.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, they executed him."\Nfuck off!
Dialogue: 0,0:22:36.23,0:22:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And did you get bin Laden?\N"almost.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:38.100,0:22:42.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We got four of his\Nnumber threes."\Nokay!
Dialogue: 0,0:22:42.40,0:22:45.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he's in Afghanistan.\N"maybe.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:45.90,0:22:49.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He might be in Pakistan."\Nlet's go after him\Nin Pakistan.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:49.17,0:22:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"there's a problem there.\NThey're allies and they have\Nweapons of mass destruction."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:52.78,0:22:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh no!\NWhat about the economy?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:55.25,0:22:58.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, we had\Nto bail out the banks."\Nagain? "fuck yeah!"
Dialogue: 0,0:22:58.18,0:23:02.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now who's the president?\N"a black guy." oh yeah, right.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:02.28,0:23:04.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:04.52,0:23:07.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a black\Npresident and there's a latino\Non the supreme court.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:07.39,0:23:11.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"there is." oh my God!\NWho's the president--\NJesse Jackson?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:11.35,0:23:15.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, his name's\NBarack Hussein Obama."\Nnow you're fucking with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:15.06,0:23:17.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck off!
Dialogue: 0,0:23:24.10,0:23:26.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's where\Nwe find ourselves today.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:26.26,0:23:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have an african-american,\Nbut he was not born in Africa.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:29.93,0:23:32.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though the birthers are\Ngoing, "he was born in Africa!"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:32.10,0:23:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, and his campaign\Nwas financed by a Nigerian\Nprince on the intenet.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:35.04,0:23:37.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come with me, my friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:37.34,0:23:40.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like their worst nightmare\Nwould have been at the\Ninauguration going,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:40.78,0:23:43.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Mr. Obama, you are now\NPresident of the United States."
Dialogue: 0,0:23:43.88,0:23:47.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( African tribal chanting )
Dialogue: 0,0:23:52.32,0:23:55.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hillary, work the booty,\Nwork the booty, work the booty.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:55.79,0:23:57.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:59.33,0:24:02.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you have\Nto break his name down.\NIt's Barack-- blessing,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:02.13,0:24:03.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hussein--\Nwe know who that is,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:03.56,0:24:06.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Obama-- it's an old Kenyan\Nword for Kennedy, cool!
Dialogue: 0,0:24:08.27,0:24:11.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The moment he was elected,\Ncaucasian guilt dropped lower\Nthan the stock market.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:11.57,0:24:14.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was like a brother\Nbe going, "my man, could\Nyou spe a dollar?"
Dialogue: 0,0:24:14.24,0:24:16.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sorry, my good fellow,\Nbut I voted for Obama.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:16.27,0:24:18.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good fucking luck.\NTake care.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:18.84,0:24:20.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( groans )
Dialogue: 0,0:24:20.44,0:24:24.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now you have Michelle.\NMichelle-- oh my God,\Ngirl, please!
Dialogue: 0,0:24:24.21,0:24:25.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mmmm!
Dialogue: 0,0:24:25.38,0:24:27.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, baby, oooh!
Dialogue: 0,0:24:27.45,0:24:30.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like a combination\NJackie Onassis and\NSerena Williams,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:30.48,0:24:32.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Way to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:32.15,0:24:35.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She is so elegant\Nand she's got guns too,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:35.25,0:24:38.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is kinda cool.\NBut you get the feeling,\Nas elegant as she is,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:38.36,0:24:41.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you dis her man,\Nshe will fuck your shit up.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:41.89,0:24:43.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mmm!
Dialogue: 0,0:24:44.100,0:24:49.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She will.\NShe will open\Na can of whupass.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:49.40,0:24:52.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She will go from "yes, we can"\Nto "oh, no you didn't."
Dialogue: 0,0:24:54.67,0:24:57.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Obama got heckled\Nin Congress.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:57.64,0:25:00.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What the fuck is that?\NThat would not have happened\Nif Cheney were there.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:00.74,0:25:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If Cheney were there--\Noh no.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:02.31,0:25:05.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If someone had heckled "w"\NCheney would be like, bam!
Dialogue: 0,0:25:07.31,0:25:09.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah!
Dialogue: 0,0:25:11.72,0:25:14.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( mimics cocking guns )\N"anybody else got a problem?"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:16.39,0:25:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cheney shot a man\Nin the face hunting quail.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:21.26,0:25:23.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know about\Neast coast quail,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:23.26,0:25:25.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but California quail\Nare this fucking big.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:25.79,0:25:29.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You gotta drop kick them then\Nget them in the air going bam!
Dialogue: 0,0:25:29.70,0:25:31.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"shit happens!"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:31.87,0:25:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I love Cheney\Nat the inauguration looking\Nlike old man potter.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:35.07,0:25:38.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "good luck\Nwith the economy, little\NAfrican prince. Ha ha ha!
Dialogue: 0,0:25:40.77,0:25:43.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take care, Simba.\NHa ha ha."
Dialogue: 0,0:25:46.01,0:25:48.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he was\Ntransforming as we speak.\NThe last few years
Dialogue: 0,0:25:49.01,0:25:51.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's been turning slowly\Nbut surely into gollum.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:51.35,0:25:55.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "they don't likes us.\NDon't give a shit!\NNot caring why.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:55.28,0:25:57.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Halliburton is the precious.\NIt's the precious."
Dialogue: 0,0:25:57.79,0:26:01.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's become\Nan archetype now.\NIt's the type of thing
Dialogue: 0,0:26:01.12,0:26:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if you want to\Nfrighten a little child,\Nyou just have to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:04.59,0:26:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"if you're not good,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:06.19,0:26:08.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Cheneyman\Nwill get you."
Dialogue: 0,0:26:09.43,0:26:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( cackles )
Dialogue: 0,0:26:11.53,0:26:13.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nooooo!
Dialogue: 0,0:26:13.27,0:26:16.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what's "w" doing now?\NHe's a motivational speaker.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:16.20,0:26:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kinda cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:17.87,0:26:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kinda\Nlike having Lindsey Lohan\Nas a guidance counselor.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:22.94,0:26:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Way to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:25.81,0:26:29.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I love-- I love\Nthe fact that they're\Ntalking about opening
Dialogue: 0,0:26:29.88,0:26:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the George W. Bush library,\Nwhich I think, wow!
Dialogue: 0,0:26:32.74,0:26:36.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's kind of like\Nthe Colonel Sanders\NCulinary Academy.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:36.75,0:26:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just the concept alone boggles your mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:40.22,0:26:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they've already talked about\Nmaking it very interactive,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:43.52,0:26:46.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I think is code\Nfor "not so many books."
Dialogue: 0,0:26:48.22,0:26:50.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I hope they have some\Nof his great quotes\Non the walls,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:50.69,0:26:53.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, "a lot of our imports\Ncome from other countries."
Dialogue: 0,0:26:53.33,0:26:56.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes!
Dialogue: 0,0:26:56.30,0:26:59.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"the question that's\Nnever asked: Is our\Nchildren learning?"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:00.03,0:27:02.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Didn't know that.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:02.07,0:27:06.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"people misunderestimate me."\Nthat's not even a fucking word.\NWay to go!
Dialogue: 0,0:27:06.31,0:27:08.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you've got to cut "w"\Nsome slack, man.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:08.68,0:27:12.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He comes from a family\Nwhere the smart brother is\Nnamed Jeb, number one.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:12.38,0:27:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he had a wicked\Ncoke problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:15.05,0:27:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why did\Nhe have to stop doing blow?
Dialogue: 0,0:27:16.85,0:27:18.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I believe one day\Nhe was like,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:18.52,0:27:20.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"shit, my mom's\Non the dollar bill!\NGod damn.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:21.99,0:27:25.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Gotta cut this shit out."
Dialogue: 0,0:27:25.22,0:27:28.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And near the end of his term,\Neven world leaders were\Ndissing his ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:28.69,0:27:31.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There'd be the world economic\Nleaders conference and they'd\Nall be up there,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:31.50,0:27:34.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Going, "oh, shit,\Nhere comes skippy.\NFuck off."
Dialogue: 0,0:27:34.96,0:27:37.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he'd be up there like\Na kid at a graduation, like,\N"nobody likes me.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:37.90,0:27:40.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is bullshit.\NThis is crazy-ass shit."
Dialogue: 0,0:27:40.50,0:27:43.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there was one guy\Nwho treated "w" with kindness\Nand respect.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:43.97,0:27:46.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that man was Tony Blair.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:46.17,0:27:49.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tony Blair and "w" was like\Nthe United Nations production\Nof "Rainman."
Dialogue: 0,0:27:49.48,0:27:51.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:51.95,0:27:54.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was sweetness.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:54.38,0:27:56.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tony--\NTony'd be going to "w,"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:57.02,0:27:59.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"'w,' do you know\Nthe price of gas?"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:59.08,0:28:02.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"definitely don't\Nknow the price of gas.\NDon't know the price of gas."
Dialogue: 0,0:28:04.22,0:28:06.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"do you have an economic\Nstimulus package?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:06.39,0:28:08.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"definitely have\Nan economic stimulus package.\NMight work.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:08.49,0:28:11.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Definitely might work.\NGive each and every american\Nover the age of 20
Dialogue: 0,0:28:11.70,0:28:13.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,$1 million.\NTax them at a flat\Ntax rate of 10%.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:13.80,0:28:17.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Gives back the government\N$100,000, gives each and every\Nperson $900,000.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:17.13,0:28:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Might stimulate\Nlocally and personally.\NDefinitely might work.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:20.14,0:28:22.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Definitely might work."
Dialogue: 0,0:28:22.24,0:28:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"but 'w'-- 'w,' do you\Nknow the price of gas?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:25.64,0:28:27.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"definitely don't know\Nthe price of gas."
Dialogue: 0,0:28:27.58,0:28:30.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the definition\Nof insanity is
Dialogue: 0,0:28:30.28,0:28:32.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Repeating the same action,\Nexpecting a different outcome.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:32.48,0:28:34.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We elected\Nhim the second time,\Nthe whole world went,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:34.61,0:28:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what the fuck is going on\Nwith you people?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:37.45,0:28:40.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now we still\Nhave comedy though.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:40.45,0:28:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We still have\Ngreat comedy out there.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:42.35,0:28:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's always\Nrambling Joe Biden.\NWhat the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:28:45.52,0:28:50.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Joe says things that even people\Nwith tourette's go, "no.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:50.09,0:28:51.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:51.86,0:28:54.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is going on?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:54.06,0:28:55.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Joe is like your uncle
Dialogue: 0,0:28:55.90,0:28:59.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who's on a new drug\Nand hasn't got the dosage right.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:59.60,0:29:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm proud to work\Nwith Barack america."\Nhe's not a superhero, you idiot.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:03.14,0:29:05.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come mere.\N"when F.D.R was was\Non television..."
Dialogue: 0,0:29:05.87,0:29:09.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was no TV back then.\NCome here, Joe. Bzzzt!\NSit down.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:09.94,0:29:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you always have\NSenators willing to push\Nthe comedy envelope.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:12.94,0:29:15.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like Senator Larry Craig--\Na guy who tried to pick up
Dialogue: 0,0:29:15.71,0:29:18.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a man in a men's room\Nby morse code.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:19.65,0:29:21.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How the fuck do you do that?\NHow do you go,
Dialogue: 0,0:29:21.82,0:29:24.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"will... You...\NBlow... Me?"
Dialogue: 0,0:29:24.79,0:29:28.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:30.52,0:29:32.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And...
Dialogue: 0,0:29:32.93,0:29:35.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's always Governor Sanford.\NHe's a piece of work.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:35.53,0:29:37.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm going for a hike\Non the Appalachian Trail."
Dialogue: 0,0:29:37.63,0:29:39.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where does it end?\N"Patagonia
Dialogue: 0,0:29:39.36,0:29:41.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, fuck off.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:41.30,0:29:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if always,\Nif you want comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:29:43.27,0:29:45.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there is always Sarah Palin.\NGod bless.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:45.94,0:29:48.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She is wonderful.\NSarah...
Dialogue: 0,0:29:48.64,0:29:52.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sarah is\Na self-opening piñata.\NShe is a gift.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:52.64,0:29:55.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How did they find her?\NWas it "project running mate"?
Dialogue: 0,0:29:55.68,0:29:57.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that how they got her?
Dialogue: 0,0:29:57.88,0:30:02.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did Ronald Reagan have\Na kid with Vanna White and drop\Nit off in Alaska?
Dialogue: 0,0:30:03.92,0:30:06.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was raised by wolves\Nand that's why she hunts them?
Dialogue: 0,0:30:06.72,0:30:09.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you're not my dad.\NYou're not my dad."
Dialogue: 0,0:30:10.29,0:30:12.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she says amazing things
Dialogue: 0,0:30:12.09,0:30:15.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "I know about Russia\Nbecause I can see it\Nfrom my backyard."
Dialogue: 0,0:30:15.69,0:30:18.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have super vision,\Nnumber one.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:18.43,0:30:21.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can see San Quentin\Nfrom my backyard
Dialogue: 0,0:30:21.10,0:30:22.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that doesn't qualify me\Non prison reform.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:22.90,0:30:26.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What the fuck?\NAnd it's incredible too.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:26.24,0:30:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "polar bears\Nare not endangered.\NThey're just unlucky."
Dialogue: 0,0:30:28.64,0:30:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, really?
Dialogue: 0,0:30:30.44,0:30:34.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who knew Katie Couric was\Nthe cutting edge of journalism
Dialogue: 0,0:30:34.11,0:30:37.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with ambush questions like,\N"what do you read?"
Dialogue: 0,0:30:40.68,0:30:43.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well...
Dialogue: 0,0:30:44.65,0:30:48.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, that's\Na trick question."
Dialogue: 0,0:30:49.49,0:30:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not if you read, no.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:52.96,0:30:55.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know the basic difference\Nbetween her and Cheney?
Dialogue: 0,0:30:55.36,0:30:57.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She shoots you,\Ngame over.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:57.09,0:31:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She will have you gutted\Nand standing on the wall\Nnext to Barbara Walters.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:00.83,0:31:03.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the last few days\Nof the election
Dialogue: 0,0:31:03.80,0:31:05.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she got really sexy.\NShe let the hair down.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:05.80,0:31:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought the last day\Nof the election she was\Ngonna pop the Prada
Dialogue: 0,0:31:08.34,0:31:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And be like... "yeah!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:10.04,0:31:13.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you like my northern\Nslopes now, boys?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:13.54,0:31:17.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Drill, baby.\NDrill, baby, drill."
Dialogue: 0,0:31:17.31,0:31:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And do you think the whole time\Nshe was running for office
Dialogue: 0,0:31:19.65,0:31:20.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Clinton was sitting\Nat home going,
Dialogue: 0,0:31:21.02,0:31:23.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"where was she when\NI was in office?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:23.05,0:31:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shit.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:25.05,0:31:27.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:31.32,0:31:33.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She is hot.\NWhoa.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:33.76,0:31:37.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a milf.\NThat's a mother I'd like\Nto filibuster. Yeah."
Dialogue: 0,0:31:38.56,0:31:40.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Bill did some\Ngood work recently.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:40.60,0:31:42.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He went to North Korea,\Ngot the two girls home.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:42.67,0:31:45.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Way to go, Bill.\NWay to go. Got them back.\NWay to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:45.07,0:31:47.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good job.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:47.31,0:31:50.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I wanted to be in\Nthe room when Kim Jong il\Ncame in the room
Dialogue: 0,0:31:50.24,0:31:54.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and went,\N"so, Bill Clinton.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:54.31,0:31:58.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You bring me the pictures\NI asked you for?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:01.68,0:32:04.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have on my big boy\Nglasses.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:05.52,0:32:08.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want those pictures\Nand Clay Aiken."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:10.26,0:32:11.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"why do you want\NClay Aiken?"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:11.69,0:32:13.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you know why\NI want Clay Aiken.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:13.96,0:32:16.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how I 'roro.'
Dialogue: 0,0:32:16.23,0:32:18.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how I 'rororo.'
Dialogue: 0,0:32:18.77,0:32:21.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what I like."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:21.20,0:32:23.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you think when Bill\Ngot back from North Korea
Dialogue: 0,0:32:23.90,0:32:26.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Hillary got back\Nfrom Africa, that was\Na rough dinner?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:26.34,0:32:29.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hillary went,\N"Bill, congratulations\Non North Korea."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:29.14,0:32:32.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we'll baby,\Nit was a happy ending.\NShit, wrong words."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:32.48,0:32:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"come again, Bill?"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:34.82,0:32:36.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"not this time, baby.\NNot this time."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:36.75,0:32:38.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people\Ngot mad at Hillary
Dialogue: 0,0:32:38.99,0:32:40.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she didn't go\Ntrailer park on Bill's ass
Dialogue: 0,0:32:40.86,0:32:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during the Monica\NLewinsky thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:42.36,0:32:44.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That she didn't start throwing\Nhis shit on the white House lawn
Dialogue: 0,0:32:44.52,0:32:47.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "Bill Clinton,\Nyou lying sack of shit!
Dialogue: 0,0:32:47.63,0:32:50.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How could you find the only\NJewish girl who couldn't\Nget a stain out?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:50.53,0:32:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You asshole!
Dialogue: 0,0:32:53.47,0:32:54.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn you!"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:55.00,0:32:57.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he'd be on the lawn\Nlike an episode of "Cops"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:57.47,0:32:59.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Going, "I love you, baby!
Dialogue: 0,0:32:59.51,0:33:03.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Depends on what your\Ndefinition of is is.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:03.38,0:33:05.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when Hillary\Nran for president
Dialogue: 0,0:33:05.48,0:33:08.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there were a lot of guys\Ngoing, "I don't know about\Na woman president."
Dialogue: 0,0:33:08.18,0:33:09.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you worried about?\NYou worried every 28 days
Dialogue: 0,0:33:10.02,0:33:12.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She'll be going,\N"I can't talk to Putin.\NNot today.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:12.68,0:33:17.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm just gonna balance my budget\Nand watch my stories."
Dialogue: 0,0:33:17.22,0:33:20.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's in her 60s.\NShe has her own global\Nwarming right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:33:20.49,0:33:22.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:22.46,0:33:24.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She is one tough ass woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:24.89,0:33:26.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you don't necessarily\Nwant sexy.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:26.59,0:33:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know when Sarah ran\Na lot of guys are going,\N"she energizes my base."
Dialogue: 0,0:33:29.46,0:33:31.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, all right.\NBut necessarily--
Dialogue: 0,0:33:31.100,0:33:34.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sexy and world leaders,\Nnot necessarily the case.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:34.80,0:33:36.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Especially with female\Nworld leaders.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:36.27,0:33:38.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Throughout history--\NElizabeth I, Catherine\Nthe Great,
Dialogue: 0,0:33:39.00,0:33:40.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi--
Dialogue: 0,0:33:40.50,0:33:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are women you may\Nnot want to fuck,
Dialogue: 0,0:33:42.04,0:33:44.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you definitely don't want\Nto fuck with them.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:44.24,0:33:47.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are scary women.\NOh my God.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:47.71,0:33:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoo.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:49.98,0:33:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you don't think a woman\Ncan handle a military situation,
Dialogue: 0,0:33:53.48,0:33:55.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ask the argentineans.\NThey were going,
Dialogue: 0,0:33:55.81,0:33:58.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Margaret Thatcher, that crazy\Ncoño sank a battleship.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:58.28,0:33:59.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She is nuts."
Dialogue: 0,0:33:59.92,0:34:02.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was Julia Child\Non steroids going,
Dialogue: 0,0:34:02.05,0:34:05.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I will sink your shit\Nright now.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:05.62,0:34:08.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will open a can of whupass\Non you little brown men.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:08.62,0:34:11.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will do it right now."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:11.76,0:34:16.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you have to look\Nat the English Royal Family\Nand realize
Dialogue: 0,0:34:16.13,0:34:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all that money\Nand no dental plan.\NHow sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:20.93,0:34:23.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So sad indeed.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:23.20,0:34:26.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you want\Nsex in politics
Dialogue: 0,0:34:26.24,0:34:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the French are always\Nthere to top everyone.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:27.94,0:34:30.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The French have\Na president, Sarkozy,
Dialogue: 0,0:34:30.38,0:34:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whose wife fucked Mick Jagger.\NWay to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:32.91,0:34:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The French look at\Nthe Americans like, "top that,\Nlittle puritans.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:36.48,0:34:38.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take care."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:38.58,0:34:40.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I believe there's one man\Nwe could run for office
Dialogue: 0,0:34:40.45,0:34:42.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that even the French\Nwould go, "fuck off."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:42.26,0:34:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That man is Jack Nicholson.\NYes!
Dialogue: 0,0:34:46.52,0:34:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh yeah, baby.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:48.89,0:34:51.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's nuts.\NYou'll never have a sex\Nscandal with Jack
Dialogue: 0,0:34:51.96,0:34:54.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because he has\Nfucked everyone.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:54.96,0:34:59.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had Angelina Jolie\Nand afterwards she adopted me.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:01.27,0:35:03.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,0:35:03.60,0:35:06.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's done every known\Ndrug known to mankind.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:06.07,0:35:07.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He'd be the only guy\Nin the world that Keith Richards\Nwould go,
Dialogue: 0,0:35:07.94,0:35:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I have to go home now, Jack.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:13.11,0:35:15.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No, I really do.\NIt's fucking over."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:16.48,0:35:19.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where you running, you pussy?\NGet back here.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:19.45,0:35:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's so weird too.\NIf you elect celebrities
Dialogue: 0,0:35:22.12,0:35:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's always not a great idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:23.42,0:35:26.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in California\Nwe are a 60% hispanic state.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:26.19,0:35:28.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We elected\Nan Austrian Governor.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:28.65,0:35:31.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even old nazis are going,\N"that's weird."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:34.09,0:35:36.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He has a hard time\Neven saying the name\Nof the state.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:36.46,0:35:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Arnold, where are\Nyou Governor?\N"Caforna."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:40.13,0:35:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?\N"Cafornaa."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:42.57,0:35:46.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's married\Nto a Kennedy, Maria Shriver,
Dialogue: 0,0:35:46.27,0:35:49.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who has been getting thinner\Nand fucking thinner\Nand smaller.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:49.64,0:35:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe he is sucking\Nthe Kennedy out of her.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:53.21,0:35:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shh.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:56.94,0:36:00.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Slowly but surely becoming\Na Kennedy by assimilation.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:00.95,0:36:04.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is kind of cool.\NThat's how you get a liberal\NRepublican, which is neat.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:04.05,0:36:05.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like a Volvo\Nwith a gun rack.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:05.72,0:36:07.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't see\Na lot of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:07.69,0:36:11.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in terms\Nof energy policies--
Dialogue: 0,0:36:11.62,0:36:14.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,21st century.\NStem cell research--\N21st century.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:14.53,0:36:17.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Immigration--\NArnold's a little old school.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:17.20,0:36:19.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Arnold, how will you\Nhandle immigration?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:19.06,0:36:20.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I will build a wall."
Dialogue: 0,0:36:20.70,0:36:24.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even the Chinese go,\N"that will not fucking work.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:26.64,0:36:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They will go around\Naround your wall.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:28.54,0:36:30.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who will build the wall?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:30.67,0:36:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The people you are trying\Nto fucking keep out."
Dialogue: 0,0:36:34.54,0:36:37.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So maybe you want to invent some\Nself-picking fruit real quickly.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:37.84,0:36:39.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come with me right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:39.64,0:36:41.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And...
Dialogue: 0,0:36:41.88,0:36:45.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In California we barely\Nbalanced the budget.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:45.11,0:36:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were coming up\Nwith weird alternatives\Nto balance the budget
Dialogue: 0,0:36:47.45,0:36:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like selling San Quentin\Nas real estate.\NWhat the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:50.78,0:36:54.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this like, are you going to\Nopen some sort of severe spa?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:54.32,0:36:56.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are the lovely\Nsodomy suites.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:56.72,0:36:58.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come with me over here.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:58.12,0:37:00.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't sit in that chair...\NZzzp... Too late.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:00.36,0:37:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:02.29,0:37:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're gonna\Nclose Guantanamo.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:04.29,0:37:05.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I go, what are you\Ngonna open there?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:05.80,0:37:07.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe an amusement park.\NWe'll call is Muslim Mountain.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:07.100,0:37:11.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It'll be cool.\NWhat will the water slide be?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:11.10,0:37:13.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We strap you to a board\Nand send you head first\Nin to a pool.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:13.24,0:37:14.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good luck.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:15.00,0:37:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And where are they gonna send\Nall those guys from Guantanamo?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:17.88,0:37:21.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People in Texas are going,\N"we'll take 'em."
Dialogue: 0,0:37:21.08,0:37:24.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Zzzp... No, you can't--\Nzzzp... No!
Dialogue: 0,0:37:24.51,0:37:27.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the whole budget crisis,
Dialogue: 0,0:37:27.35,0:37:30.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The whole manic recession,\Nwe've just come through this\Nmanic recession.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:30.49,0:37:32.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Remember the banks saying,\N"we're too big to fail"?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:32.65,0:37:35.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like saying\Ntoo fat to diet.\NWhat are you doing?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:35.36,0:37:39.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Remember they came to us going,\N"we need $500 billion"?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:39.16,0:37:41.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We went, okay, here you go.\NA week later...
Dialogue: 0,0:37:41.73,0:37:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we need some more."
Dialogue: 0,0:37:43.90,0:37:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You fuckers are economic\Nfreebasing.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:46.57,0:37:48.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you doing?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:48.10,0:37:50.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're like a group of junkies\Nwho've relapsed and are going,
Dialogue: 0,0:37:50.71,0:37:52.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh my man, listen.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:52.34,0:37:55.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just need some liquidity,\Nyou know what I'm saying?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:55.75,0:37:59.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just ran into some bad\Nsubprime, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:59.25,0:38:01.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We had some complex\Nformulas.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:01.32,0:38:03.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We just didn't factor\Nin greed and panic.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:03.79,0:38:05.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:05.69,0:38:09.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just need $805 billion\Nby Tuesday.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:09.46,0:38:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would not fuck you again."
Dialogue: 0,0:38:13.46,0:38:16.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My God, it was insane.\NIn the midst of all this,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:16.33,0:38:17.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was Bernie Madoff.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:17.66,0:38:20.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An embezzler named\N"made-off."
Dialogue: 0,0:38:22.60,0:38:24.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hmm. Yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:27.14,0:38:29.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was the name not a clue?
Dialogue: 0,0:38:29.67,0:38:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did he have to be with\Nthe accounting firm
Dialogue: 0,0:38:32.14,0:38:36.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe?
Dialogue: 0,0:38:36.11,0:38:38.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now Bernie's in prison
Dialogue: 0,0:38:38.28,0:38:40.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where insider trading\Nis a whole other game.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:41.95,0:38:44.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bull market is what your ass\Nwill bear, motherfucker.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:44.12,0:38:46.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's do this.\NMm-hmm.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:46.32,0:38:48.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Payback's a bitch.\NYeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:48.72,0:38:51.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the automobile\Ncompanies needed help.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:51.12,0:38:52.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought,\Nwait a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:52.46,0:38:53.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wouldn't it be cool\Nis the oil companies
Dialogue: 0,0:38:53.69,0:38:55.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gave a little money to\Nthe automobile companies?
Dialogue: 0,0:38:55.43,0:38:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know it's like your dealer\Npaying for rehab,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:57.30,0:38:59.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but why not?\NGive it a shot.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:59.20,0:39:01.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now we're trying to get\Noff the petroleum titty.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:01.60,0:39:03.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like\Nwe're trying to kick it.\NAnd how are we doing this?
Dialogue: 0,0:39:03.67,0:39:05.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're looking for\Nalternative fuels.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:05.50,0:39:08.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of the alternative fuels\Nare a hydrogen powered car.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:08.74,0:39:11.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cool idea.\NIf you're thinking of\Na hydrogen powered car,
Dialogue: 0,0:39:11.08,0:39:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have one word for you--\NHindenburg. Good luck.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:15.18,0:39:17.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A more interesting gas\Nand a lot more fun is helium.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:17.58,0:39:19.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one with helium,\Nyou could float over\Nthe potholes.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:19.88,0:39:23.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you get into an accident\Nyou get out of the car\Nwith road rage going...
Dialogue: 0,0:39:23.25,0:39:25.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( high voice )\NI'm gonna kick your ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:25.55,0:39:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?\NOh my God.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:28.49,0:39:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got a fuel leak.\NHow weird is that?
Dialogue: 0,0:39:31.46,0:39:34.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't kick your ass.\NI sound like a chipmunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:34.06,0:39:35.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is nuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:35.53,0:39:37.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Look at all the clowns getting\Nout of the trunk of my car.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:37.96,0:39:39.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck off.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:39.100,0:39:41.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've found another\Nalternative fuel.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:41.57,0:39:43.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I found it by accident.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:43.60,0:39:46.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was having my morning coffee,\Nand I have my morning coffee\Nfor two reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:46.44,0:39:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One, to kick start my brain.\NNumber two, and more\Nimportantly,
Dialogue: 0,0:39:49.54,0:39:51.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to jumpstart my colon.\NMore importantly.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:51.91,0:39:53.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The moment I have my morning\Ncoffee it's like,
Dialogue: 0,0:39:53.84,0:39:56.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,morning, everybody.\NFire in the hole!
Dialogue: 0,0:39:56.71,0:39:59.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Son, open\Nthe bathroom door.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:59.75,0:40:01.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't care if\Nyou're rubbing one out,
Dialogue: 0,0:40:01.62,0:40:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got to drop a resume.\NOpen the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:04.85,0:40:07.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even the dog is going,\N"he's leaking methane!"
Dialogue: 0,0:40:09.82,0:40:12.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a dead canary\Nin the corner like...
Dialogue: 0,0:40:12.49,0:40:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I went, wait a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:14.76,0:40:16.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm leaking methane.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:16.96,0:40:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm my own fuel source.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:18.89,0:40:20.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How about this\Nfor a new car?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:20.56,0:40:22.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The new ford colon.\NHow about this?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:22.100,0:40:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's the ad:
Dialogue: 0,0:40:25.30,0:40:27.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Me shirt, no pants,\Ntube in my ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:29.20,0:40:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hi, I'm Robin Williams.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:31.24,0:40:33.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've just had\Na black bean burrito.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:33.34,0:40:37.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's right,\NI'm gonna drive all the way\Nfrom San Francisco
Dialogue: 0,0:40:37.81,0:40:40.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to Washington, D.C.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:40.15,0:40:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yup, the shit's hit the fan\Nand it's powering my car.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:45.95,0:40:48.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Won't you join us?\NFuck green, go brown.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:49.02,0:40:50.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:50.72,0:40:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come with us now.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:00.13,0:41:02.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another alternative fuel\Nis ethanol.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:02.73,0:41:05.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people from the South\Nare going, "that's moonshine,\Nmotherfucker."
Dialogue: 0,0:41:05.10,0:41:06.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn right.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:06.74,0:41:08.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ethanol is pure\Ngrain alcohol.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:08.44,0:41:11.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No better car in the world to\Ndrive if you're an alcoholic.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:11.27,0:41:14.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you get stopped by\Nthe police you can get out\Nof the car going,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:14.51,0:41:16.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"officer, I've had\Na few cocktails.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:16.94,0:41:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My car, however,\Nis totally fucked up."
Dialogue: 0,0:41:21.95,0:41:23.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even the cheap gas\Nin the car is going,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:23.75,0:41:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't know where\Nthe fuck I am
Dialogue: 0,0:41:25.62,0:41:29.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a God damn tree just\Njumped out at me."
Dialogue: 0,0:41:30.46,0:41:34.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Hyundai makes a car\Nthat can park itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:34.49,0:41:36.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going, where the fuck were\Nyou when I was drinking?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:37.03,0:41:38.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn!
Dialogue: 0,0:41:38.80,0:41:41.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What a great car.\NYou get in the car\Na little loaded going,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:41.70,0:41:43.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shall I drive home?\NFuck yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:43.87,0:41:47.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before you do,\Nblow me.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:47.37,0:41:50.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what a great new car.\NThe new Ford fellatio.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:50.87,0:41:52.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That would be a car.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:52.41,0:41:55.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It gets you off\Nbefore it gets you there.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:55.31,0:41:59.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And most cars now have G.P.S.\Nwhich is kind of cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:59.15,0:42:02.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have a G.P.S. in my car.\NI was driving across\Nthe Golden Gate Bridge.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:02.22,0:42:04.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was halfway across and all\Nof a sudden the car went,
Dialogue: 0,0:42:04.32,0:42:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"take a right turn."
Dialogue: 0,0:42:07.12,0:42:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,0:42:08.89,0:42:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No can do, Hal.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:11.96,0:42:15.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not that\Ndepressed really.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:15.49,0:42:18.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the car went,\N"really, Robin? I saw\N'Bicentennial Man.'"
Dialogue: 0,0:42:18.50,0:42:20.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shut the fuck up!
Dialogue: 0,0:42:20.66,0:42:22.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn you.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:26.50,0:42:28.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's a bitchy\Nenglish voice too.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:28.47,0:42:31.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It goes, "in one quarter mile,\Ntake a right turn.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:31.07,0:42:34.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In one eighth mile\Ntake a right turn.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:34.98,0:42:38.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There it was.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:39.68,0:42:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You missed it, Magellan.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:42.22,0:42:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shall I reroute?
Dialogue: 0,0:42:44.15,0:42:46.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I who has access\Nto 12 satellites?
Dialogue: 0,0:42:46.08,0:42:48.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You who doesn't look at\Na fucking piece of paper?"
Dialogue: 0,0:42:48.39,0:42:51.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe they should have\Na G.P.S. that ages with you.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:51.86,0:42:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It becomes age appropriate.\NSo eventually the car's going,
Dialogue: 0,0:42:53.72,0:42:56.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"there's your turn!\NHello!
Dialogue: 0,0:42:56.09,0:42:58.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No no, that's not it.\NMaybe the next one.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:58.20,0:42:59.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That could be it.\NThat might be it.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:59.100,0:43:03.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, that's the one.\NThere used to be a gas\Nstation there, yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:04.53,0:43:06.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Yeah.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:43:06.30,0:43:07.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:07.97,0:43:10.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's when gas was\Na nickel a gallon.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:10.64,0:43:12.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's it, yeah."
Dialogue: 0,0:43:12.74,0:43:17.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want a Scottish G.P.S.\N'cause I think that would\Nbe an honest G.P.S.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:17.08,0:43:19.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It would be going,\N"there's your turn.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:19.18,0:43:22.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You fucking missed it,\Nyou idiot.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:23.52,0:43:25.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take another fucking\Nright turn.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:25.42,0:43:27.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take one more\Nfucking right turn
Dialogue: 0,0:43:27.15,0:43:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take one more fucking\Nright turn.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:29.15,0:43:32.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh, there's\Nyour fucking view.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:32.09,0:43:34.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah!"
Dialogue: 0,0:43:37.72,0:43:40.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They say that Bob Dillon\Nis gonna be making a G.P.S.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:41.03,0:43:43.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want that G.P.S.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:43.70,0:43:47.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"driving down the road.\NUp ahead there's a light.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:47.67,0:43:50.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very soon very soon you're\Ngonna have to take a right.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:50.84,0:43:52.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Driving along,\Ndriving along,
Dialogue: 0,0:43:52.24,0:43:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Driving in the land\Nof the free.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:53.87,0:43:56.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So remember to pull off,\Nyou have to take a pee.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:56.47,0:43:58.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do it now.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:58.24,0:44:00.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pull up ahead.\NDon't try to stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:00.54,0:44:02.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh God, oh God.\NLook out, there's a cop.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:02.75,0:44:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Look out.\NI'm just trying to direct you
Dialogue: 0,0:44:05.75,0:44:08.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As one wealthy hebrew."
Dialogue: 0,0:44:14.43,0:44:17.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's cool now.\NIf you see someone driving alone
Dialogue: 0,0:44:17.63,0:44:19.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Talking like this...
Dialogue: 0,0:44:19.76,0:44:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hopefully they're\Nhands-free and not out\Nof their fucking mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:23.13,0:44:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause in the old days\Nif you saw someone driving\Nand talking like...
Dialogue: 0,0:44:27.04,0:44:30.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're alone you go,\Nchange fucking lanes.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:31.77,0:44:35.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And hands-free means hands\Nfree to talk on the phone.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:35.04,0:44:38.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This does not mean find another\Nactivity for your hands,
Dialogue: 0,0:44:38.61,0:44:41.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like text messaging.\NNo no.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:41.75,0:44:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Texting and driving\Nat the same time
Dialogue: 0,0:44:44.15,0:44:47.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is like jerking off and juggling\Nat the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:47.35,0:44:50.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Too many balls in the air,\Nif you catch my drift.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:50.29,0:44:54.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And unless you're gonna develop\Nan eye like a chameleon
Dialogue: 0,0:44:54.16,0:44:56.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where one looks down\Nand one looks ahead,
Dialogue: 0,0:44:56.39,0:44:59.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your brain will eventually go,\N"I can't do this!
Dialogue: 0,0:44:59.100,0:45:03.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am intextificated.\NThis is insane."
Dialogue: 0,0:45:03.53,0:45:05.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you get out\Nof the car
Dialogue: 0,0:45:05.67,0:45:08.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,take out the bluetooth,\No, Seven of Nine.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:08.07,0:45:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Join us.\NCome back, yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:11.04,0:45:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh please.\NIt's all right.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:18.68,0:45:20.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause you'll be wearing\Nthe bluetooth and deaf people\Nare going,
Dialogue: 0,0:45:20.75,0:45:22.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"are you hearing?\NNo, you're just an asshole\Nwith a bluetooth.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:22.85,0:45:24.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck you."
Dialogue: 0,0:45:25.02,0:45:27.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then there's always that\Nawkward bluetooth conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:27.22,0:45:29.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're in an elevator,\Nyou can't see the bluetooth
Dialogue: 0,0:45:29.32,0:45:30.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some guy's going,\N"hi, gorgeous."
Dialogue: 0,0:45:30.56,0:45:32.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.\N"not you. Fuck you.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:32.73,0:45:34.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No, fuck you.\NNo, I want to fuck you.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:34.53,0:45:36.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to fuck you.\NFuck you, God damn it."
Dialogue: 0,0:45:37.03,0:45:40.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The homeless people are going,\N"that's my act, you asshole.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:40.67,0:45:42.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I talk to people.\NI hear voices.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:42.70,0:45:45.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just don't have\Ncall waiting. What the fuck?"
Dialogue: 0,0:45:45.24,0:45:47.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you wear\Na bluetooth 24/7,
Dialogue: 0,0:45:47.71,0:45:49.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sure there are no\Nlong-term effects.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:49.44,0:45:51.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( mumbles )
Dialogue: 0,0:45:55.25,0:45:58.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thank you for not filming\Nme with your phones tonight,
Dialogue: 0,0:45:58.15,0:45:59.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because phones\Nnow are cameras.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:59.79,0:46:01.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a lady\Nfilming me the other night.\NYou could see 'em.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:02.02,0:46:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a fucking\Nred light, bitch.\NI see it.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:04.86,0:46:07.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, turn it off.\NAnd she went, "how will\NI remember?"
Dialogue: 0,0:46:07.49,0:46:09.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went, the old\Nfashioned way.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:09.73,0:46:13.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You will have to tell\Npeople what you saw.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:13.10,0:46:16.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That you saw\Na hairy comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:18.64,0:46:20.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because you see,\Nit's not big brother anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:20.87,0:46:22.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's little snitch.\NIt's like, I see you.\NI fucking see you.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:22.70,0:46:24.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see you.\NI fucking see you.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:24.31,0:46:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's also too weird.\NBecause your phone--
Dialogue: 0,0:46:26.48,0:46:27.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can google\Non your phone.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:27.84,0:46:29.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I googled\Nthe word corkscrew
Dialogue: 0,0:46:29.38,0:46:30.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it said,\N"did you mean cocksucker?"
Dialogue: 0,0:46:30.88,0:46:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:33.05,0:46:35.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But while you're there...
Dialogue: 0,0:46:35.82,0:46:39.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And texting--\Nthe whole texting thing--\NI walked into a Starbucks,
Dialogue: 0,0:46:39.08,0:46:41.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There were all these little\Ngirls sitting around like\Na cyber witch's coven.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:41.35,0:46:43.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were like...
Dialogue: 0,0:46:43.55,0:46:45.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not saying a fucking word.\NJust...
Dialogue: 0,0:46:48.06,0:46:50.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Finally one of them looked\Nup and went, "I know."
Dialogue: 0,0:46:54.13,0:46:56.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you twitter.\NTwitter, or tweeting.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:56.53,0:46:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not the root word.\NIt's not twit, it's tweet.\NOkay, cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:58.73,0:47:00.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it rude to twitter\Nduring sex?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:00.64,0:47:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To go, O.M.G.\NO.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:03.04,0:47:05.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that rude?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:05.91,0:47:07.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And is there something\Ncalled clittoring
Dialogue: 0,0:47:07.51,0:47:09.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you play with the little\Nbutton on your Blackberry?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:12.31,0:47:14.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you doing?\NI'm clittoring. Ha ha ha!
Dialogue: 0,0:47:17.11,0:47:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Twitter broke\Nthe other day.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:18.85,0:47:21.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Twitter went down.\NWhat the fuck happened to all\Nthose people then?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:21.65,0:47:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where they like,\N"my thumbs!
Dialogue: 0,0:47:24.15,0:47:26.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My thumbs are moving\Nfor no fucking reason!
Dialogue: 0,0:47:26.46,0:47:28.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What the fuck is that?"\Na book.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:28.66,0:47:30.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( hisses )
Dialogue: 0,0:47:33.80,0:47:36.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"who are you?"\Ndad.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:38.13,0:47:40.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm miss you.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:40.07,0:47:43.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:44.24,0:47:45.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you walk\Ninto their room--
Dialogue: 0,0:47:45.74,0:47:47.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my son has four screens\Ngoing simultaneously.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:47.54,0:47:49.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's got a game on here,\Nhe's playing a move over here.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:49.28,0:47:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's also downloading,\Nhe's texting.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:50.91,0:47:53.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's got all this stuff\Ngoing and people go,\N"that's A.D.D."
Dialogue: 0,0:47:53.15,0:47:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I go, bullshit,\Nhe's multitasking.\NFuck off.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:55.98,0:47:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then suddenly\NI've become my father.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:57.72,0:47:59.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your mother\Nand I weren't online.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:59.29,0:48:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We did lines, my friend.\NI'll tell you that.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:02.39,0:48:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You do 50,000 hits,\Nwe did five hits.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:04.99,0:48:06.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how much we needed.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:06.63,0:48:08.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we didn't have Twitter.\NWe had shitter.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:08.36,0:48:10.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was my chat room.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:10.30,0:48:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We had useless conversations.\NWe just didn't fucking share\Nthem with the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:13.77,0:48:16.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you doing?\NOh, you're playing\Nwith your wii.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:16.07,0:48:18.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, you got a joystick.\NYeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:18.11,0:48:20.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a joystick growing up,\Nexcept mine was fucking\Nattached.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:20.84,0:48:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:23.11,0:48:26.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was a first-person\Nshooter too, yeah!
Dialogue: 0,0:48:27.22,0:48:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn it.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:31.28,0:48:32.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I miss human contact.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:32.69,0:48:34.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even on the phone\Nfor directory assistance
Dialogue: 0,0:48:34.42,0:48:36.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, "city\Nand state, please."
Dialogue: 0,0:48:36.66,0:48:38.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Washington, D.C.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:38.19,0:48:40.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what would you like?"\NConstitution Hall.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:40.33,0:48:42.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"did you say\NKennedy Center?"
Dialogue: 0,0:48:42.23,0:48:43.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:43.86,0:48:47.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Constitution Hall.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:47.36,0:48:49.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"did you say\NCongressional Ball?
Dialogue: 0,0:48:49.10,0:48:51.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:51.20,0:48:53.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Consti-- and it starts to become\Nlike "The Miracle Worker."
Dialogue: 0,0:48:53.77,0:48:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Constitution Hall.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:57.07,0:48:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"did you say cocksucker?"
Dialogue: 0,0:48:59.54,0:49:01.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No, I didn't say cocksucker!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:01.48,0:49:03.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"would you like to talk\Nto a person?"
Dialogue: 0,0:49:03.71,0:49:05.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck yes!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:05.11,0:49:06.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"if you'd like to talk\Nto a person, press one.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:06.95,0:49:09.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you'd like to talk to someone\Nin english press two.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:09.52,0:49:12.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you sure you don't want\Nto talk to someone in spanish?\NPress three.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:12.25,0:49:14.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Press four if you'd like\Nto move to the next menu.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:14.79,0:49:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Press five if you're getting\Nsomewhat irritated.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:16.79,0:49:18.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Press six\Nif you're my bitch.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:18.52,0:49:20.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Press seven.\NYou know you want to.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:20.16,0:49:22.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Press eight, daddy.\NDo it. Press nine."
Dialogue: 0,0:49:22.32,0:49:24.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the chances of talking\Nto a real person?
Dialogue: 0,0:49:24.43,0:49:26.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"zero, press it!"
Dialogue: 0,0:49:26.23,0:49:28.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Beep!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:28.40,0:49:30.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Beep!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:30.40,0:49:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Beep!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:36.07,0:49:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( indian accent )\N"hello. Did you want to talk\Nto a real person?"
Dialogue: 0,0:49:41.31,0:49:43.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:43.38,0:49:47.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, my God, yes!
Dialogue: 0,0:49:47.31,0:49:49.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes!\NWhere are you?
Dialogue: 0,0:49:49.98,0:49:52.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're a real person?\N"very much so."
Dialogue: 0,0:49:52.75,0:49:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where are you?\N"I am on the phone with you."
Dialogue: 0,0:49:57.19,0:50:00.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is your name?\N"Thomas Edison."
Dialogue: 0,0:50:00.43,0:50:02.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't fuck with me,\NThomas.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:02.13,0:50:05.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"don't fuck with me, mork.\NI know who you are."
Dialogue: 0,0:50:05.27,0:50:07.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,0:50:07.57,0:50:10.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know about you\Ngoogling cocksucker,
Dialogue: 0,0:50:10.61,0:50:12.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So don't piss me off.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:12.58,0:50:14.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I have access\Nto a nuclear device.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:14.71,0:50:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I can say it\Nunlike your former president,\Nso don't fucking piss me off."
Dialogue: 0,0:50:17.68,0:50:20.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Change a light bulb,\Nchange a light bulb,\Nchange a light bulb now.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:20.35,0:50:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( imitating chinese )
Dialogue: 0,0:50:24.15,0:50:28.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,China is now outsourcing\Nmany American products\Nas we speak.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:28.72,0:50:30.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You send us your cat food,\Nwe send it back to you--
Dialogue: 0,0:50:30.83,0:50:33.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( gasps )\Nsorry about kitty.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:33.30,0:50:36.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We make your toys.\NOh, Timmy can't take lead?
Dialogue: 0,0:50:36.26,0:50:39.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How sad for him.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:39.44,0:50:42.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now Chinese families\Nare adopting American lesbians.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:42.87,0:50:46.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Payback is a bitch.\NNow...
Dialogue: 0,0:50:46.31,0:50:49.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,China makes\Na lot of money off us.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:49.28,0:50:50.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we're gonna get\Nsome money back soon
Dialogue: 0,0:50:51.01,0:50:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they're gonna open\Na Disneyland in Shanghai.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:54.12,0:50:58.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It'll be cool.\NIt'll have characters\Nlike Mickey Mao.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:58.55,0:51:01.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There'll be\Nduck xiaoping.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:01.69,0:51:04.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You go down main street--\Nthere'll be 12 Donald Ducks
Dialogue: 0,0:51:04.16,0:51:07.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hanging\Nupside down in the market.\NThat'll be cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:07.06,0:51:09.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there'll be\Nthe village people's republic\Ngoing,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:09.66,0:51:12.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ young Mao,\Nthere's a place you can go ♪
Dialogue: 0,0:51:12.20,0:51:15.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ I say, young Mao. ♪
Dialogue: 0,0:51:17.37,0:51:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before the Olympics
Dialogue: 0,0:51:20.71,0:51:23.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Tibetans\Nwere demonstrating\Nagainst the Chinese.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:23.54,0:51:26.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was kind of sad too,\Nbecause the Chinese\Naccused the Tibetans
Dialogue: 0,0:51:26.71,0:51:28.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of being terrorists,\Nwhich is weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:28.68,0:51:32.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A Tibetan terrorist\Nis like an Amish hacker--\Nit just doesn't fit.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:32.38,0:51:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then California went,\N"we are gonna boycott\NChinese products
Dialogue: 0,0:51:35.56,0:51:37.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In sympathy\Nwith the Tibetans."\Nthen they went,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:37.96,0:51:40.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"fuck, they make\Neverything."
Dialogue: 0,0:51:40.36,0:51:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they even make\Nthe "free tibet" stickers,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:43.50,0:51:46.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's fucking insane.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:46.97,0:51:50.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the weird thing\Nin the Chinese Olympics,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:50.20,0:51:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Beijing-- one of the most\Npolluted cities in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:52.77,0:51:55.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,During the Olympics\Nno pollution. How did\Nthey pull this off?
Dialogue: 0,0:51:55.47,0:51:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe they sent\None billion Chinese\Ninto Beijing.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:58.21,0:52:00.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everyone breathe in...
Dialogue: 0,0:52:03.01,0:52:05.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( exhales )
Dialogue: 0,0:52:05.91,0:52:08.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of my favorite events\Nduring the Olympics
Dialogue: 0,0:52:08.08,0:52:10.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was women's gymnastics,\Nwhich is kind of a misnomer.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:10.68,0:52:13.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are not women.\NThese are Shetland females.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:13.39,0:52:15.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some of the events\Nare a little...\N( chuckles )
Dialogue: 0,0:52:15.75,0:52:19.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like the uneven\Nparallel bars is a bit like\Nhorizontal pole dancing.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:19.76,0:52:23.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, daddy would like\Nto watch this alone,\Nif you don't mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:23.46,0:52:25.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who invented\Nthat event?
Dialogue: 0,0:52:25.50,0:52:27.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was there some German\Nat a playground going,
Dialogue: 0,0:52:27.46,0:52:30.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"here's my idea for girls\Nin tight clothing--
Dialogue: 0,0:52:30.10,0:52:32.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you\Nto put on spandex
Dialogue: 0,0:52:32.50,0:52:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then spin around\Non the upper bar,
Dialogue: 0,0:52:34.20,0:52:36.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and slam your vagina\Ninto the lower bar,\Nspin around.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:36.50,0:52:38.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who's your daddy?\NWho's your daddy?\NWho's your daddy?
Dialogue: 0,0:52:38.91,0:52:40.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Spread your legs\Nand then dismount
Dialogue: 0,0:52:40.61,0:52:43.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and make it look\Nlike you had a good time."
Dialogue: 0,0:52:43.14,0:52:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,0:52:45.14,0:52:47.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:47.11,0:52:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they do all this\Nincredible stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:50.78,0:52:53.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if their foot goes\None inch to the right,\Nyou're fucked!
Dialogue: 0,0:52:53.82,0:52:55.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who invented\Nthe pommel horse?
Dialogue: 0,0:52:55.75,0:52:58.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was it a cowboy with A.D.D.\NGoing, "I'm on the horse,\NI'm off the horse,
Dialogue: 0,0:52:58.62,0:53:00.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm on the horse,\NI'm off the horse"?
Dialogue: 0,0:53:00.66,0:53:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:02.39,0:53:05.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite athletes\Nof any Olympics
Dialogue: 0,0:53:05.16,0:53:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are always the African\Ndistance runners.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:07.13,0:53:09.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You never have to drug-test\Nan African distance runner.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:09.50,0:53:13.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you on drugs?\N"no, I'm looking for food."
Dialogue: 0,0:53:13.10,0:53:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm sure\Nin Kenya
Dialogue: 0,0:53:16.97,0:53:21.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a chicken that runs\Na sub-two-hour marathon.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:21.84,0:53:24.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You just won\Nthe New York marathon.\NHow do you feel?
Dialogue: 0,0:53:24.31,0:53:26.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( clucks )
Dialogue: 0,0:53:26.74,0:53:28.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did he say?
Dialogue: 0,0:53:28.45,0:53:31.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's wondering where\Nthe Ethiopians are.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:31.15,0:53:33.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of my favorite runners\Nof all time
Dialogue: 0,0:53:33.48,0:53:36.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was Abebe Bikila.\NHe was an Ethiopian\Ndistance runner
Dialogue: 0,0:53:36.28,0:53:38.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he won the Rome Olympics\Nrunning barefoot.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:38.52,0:53:40.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was then sponsored\Nby Adidas.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:40.39,0:53:42.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He ran the next Olympics,
Dialogue: 0,0:53:42.22,0:53:45.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He carried\Nthe fucking shoes.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:45.63,0:53:48.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No performance enhancement\Nthere, no way.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:48.13,0:53:50.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because always\Npeople are looking\Nfor performance enhancement.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:50.83,0:53:53.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cut to the American swim team\Nwith their new porpoise\Nforeskin swimsuits--
Dialogue: 0,0:53:53.87,0:53:56.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Full-body condom swimsuits.\NWhat the fuck was going on?
Dialogue: 0,0:53:56.84,0:53:59.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These guys were shaved\Nlike a Brazilian hooker\Nto begin with.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:59.40,0:54:03.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was going on?\NWas there one pubic hair like...\N( blows raspberry )
Dialogue: 0,0:54:03.14,0:54:05.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they put on that\Nfull-body condom--
Dialogue: 0,0:54:05.74,0:54:08.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even the penis is like,\N"I'm in here. Help me."
Dialogue: 0,0:54:08.28,0:54:10.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I realized\Nthe moment you do that--
Dialogue: 0,0:54:10.55,0:54:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No nutsack drag.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:13.12,0:54:15.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're a Ken doll\Nall of a sudden.\NAre you ready to swim?
Dialogue: 0,0:54:15.05,0:54:17.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( high voice )\NI think so.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:17.46,0:54:20.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no more--\Nno more nutsack drag.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:20.36,0:54:22.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,.05 nutsack drag\Nwith this.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:22.36,0:54:24.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then you get to the end\Nof the pool .05 faster.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:24.46,0:54:26.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why?\NNo nutsack drag.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:26.86,0:54:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the French\Ngot pissed off going,
Dialogue: 0,0:54:28.63,0:54:31.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"they have no nutsack drag.\NThey're cheating."
Dialogue: 0,0:54:31.64,0:54:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Michael Phelps is\Non the box of frosted flakes.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:35.24,0:54:37.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he gets caught\Nsmoking weed
Dialogue: 0,0:54:37.24,0:54:39.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then take him off\Nthe box of frosted flakes.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:39.34,0:54:42.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}- ( man boos )\N- this is a failure\Nin marketing, my friends.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:54:42.31,0:54:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Listen, if you're basically\Nhaving frosted flakes
Dialogue: 0,0:54:45.92,0:54:47.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're older\Nthan 10 years old
Dialogue: 0,0:54:47.78,0:54:50.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's after 10:00\Nin the morning...
Dialogue: 0,0:54:50.35,0:54:53.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}- ( laughter )\N- ...I'm gonna guess{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:54:53.26,0:54:57.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Weed may be involved.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:57.16,0:54:59.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you can't tell me
Dialogue: 0,0:54:59.80,0:55:01.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marijuana is\Na performance-enhancing drug.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:01.90,0:55:03.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck off.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:03.36,0:55:05.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's only\Na performance-enhancing drug
Dialogue: 0,0:55:05.13,0:55:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If there's\Na fucking chocolate bar\Nat the end of the pool.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:08.37,0:55:10.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then even a one-legged\Nswimmer will go,
Dialogue: 0,0:55:10.37,0:55:12.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I will beat your ass."
Dialogue: 0,0:55:12.27,0:55:15.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But performance enhancement\Ndoesn't always include drugs.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:15.74,0:55:19.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cut to miss Semenya,\Nthe South African\Nmiddle-distance runner
Dialogue: 0,0:55:19.11,0:55:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who turns out to be a he/she.\NShe's a hermaphrodite.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:21.85,0:55:24.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She can have her own biathlon--\Nkind of neat.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:24.68,0:55:26.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this is not new.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:26.55,0:55:28.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The East Germans used to have\Nreally butch female sprinters.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:28.96,0:55:31.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Olga, you just won\Nthe 100 meters.\NHow do you feel?
Dialogue: 0,0:55:31.82,0:55:34.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( deep voice )\N"really good
Dialogue: 0,0:55:34.06,0:55:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that a penis?
Dialogue: 0,0:55:35.39,0:55:38.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, just a very large\Nclitoris."
Dialogue: 0,0:55:38.46,0:55:40.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:40.76,0:55:44.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the Germans used to\Ngive their athletes\Npure fucking speed.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:44.10,0:55:47.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They would finish a race going,\N"Hans, you just won a race.\NHow do you feel?"
Dialogue: 0,0:55:47.07,0:55:48.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"wonderful!
Dialogue: 0,0:55:48.57,0:55:51.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the spiders are\Ncrawling all over me again."
Dialogue: 0,0:55:53.51,0:55:56.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the one drug they seem\Nto have the most problem with\Nis steroids.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:57.01,0:55:59.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are always\Nthese poor fuckers who get\Ncaught doing steroids
Dialogue: 0,0:55:59.95,0:56:04.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they deny it,\Nand yet they look like\Na Mardi Gras float.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:04.05,0:56:06.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bubba, are you doing\Nsteroids?
Dialogue: 0,0:56:06.19,0:56:08.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no."
Dialogue: 0,0:56:08.56,0:56:10.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where's your neck?
Dialogue: 0,0:56:10.29,0:56:14.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I haven't seen it\Nfor a while."
Dialogue: 0,0:56:14.39,0:56:16.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What about your balls?
Dialogue: 0,0:56:16.33,0:56:18.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't know."
Dialogue: 0,0:56:18.30,0:56:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're taking\Nhorse genome.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:20.13,0:56:22.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no!"
Dialogue: 0,0:56:22.54,0:56:24.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:24.47,0:56:27.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's weird too.\NWhy would people take\Nsteroids in football
Dialogue: 0,0:56:27.37,0:56:29.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When in football\Nthe object of the game is
Dialogue: 0,0:56:29.31,0:56:31.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be a big fucking\Nmountain of flesh
Dialogue: 0,0:56:31.04,0:56:32.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,breaking past\Nanother mountain of flesh
Dialogue: 0,0:56:32.88,0:56:35.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And grabbing the little guy\Nand going, "tell me\Nabout the rabbits"?
Dialogue: 0,0:56:35.51,0:56:37.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the game.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:37.05,0:56:39.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But maybe if you get caught\Ndoing steroids
Dialogue: 0,0:56:39.05,0:56:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of kicking you\Noff the team
Dialogue: 0,0:56:40.62,0:56:43.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have to take\Nanother drug like ecstasy\Nto compensate?
Dialogue: 0,0:56:43.29,0:56:47.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's gonna make the huddles\Na lot more fun.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:47.29,0:56:50.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're gonna come\Ninto the huddle like, "hi.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:50.100,0:56:55.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sorry about the long count.\NI just felt such love."
Dialogue: 0,0:56:55.47,0:56:59.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the other drug\Nthat people are doing\Nis human growth hormone.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:59.17,0:57:01.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first heard about\Nhuman growth hormone\Nfrom Nick Nolte
Dialogue: 0,0:57:01.87,0:57:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who was telling me\Nthe advances of human\Ngrowth hormone.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:04.71,0:57:07.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was like, "Robin,\Nhuman growth hormone\Nis amazing.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:07.35,0:57:09.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's taking 20--\Nargh!"
Dialogue: 0,0:57:09.78,0:57:12.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He went fucking stiff\Nas a board.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:12.45,0:57:15.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I went,\N"I'll get back to you, Nick.\NGood luck."
Dialogue: 0,0:57:15.25,0:57:17.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Insane.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:17.16,0:57:20.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there was one guy--\None guy
Dialogue: 0,0:57:20.22,0:57:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who had an amazing\Nclaim to fame in terms of\Ndrugs and sport.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:23.39,0:57:25.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His name was\NDock Ellis.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:25.70,0:57:27.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Dock Ellis did\Nan incredible thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:27.70,0:57:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The one person who knows--\Nthank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:31.37,0:57:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dock Ellis pitched\Na no-hitter on L.S.D.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:35.07,0:57:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who have\Ntaken L.S.D,
Dialogue: 0,0:57:37.41,0:57:39.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tell the others\Nhow hard that might be.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:39.88,0:57:41.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck off.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:41.84,0:57:44.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I took L.S.D.,\NI'd be talking to every\Nblade of grass like,
Dialogue: 0,0:57:44.41,0:57:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"sorry sorry."
Dialogue: 0,0:57:46.45,0:57:49.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To walk into a major-league\Nbaseball stadium like...
Dialogue: 0,0:57:53.49,0:57:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the whole field\Nis like...
Dialogue: 0,0:57:57.16,0:57:59.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"fuck fuck fucfuck."
Dialogue: 0,0:57:59.36,0:58:02.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All the fans in the stadium\Nlike...
Dialogue: 0,0:58:06.47,0:58:08.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the umpire walks out,\Nit's shiva...
Dialogue: 0,0:58:08.74,0:58:12.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( chanting )
Dialogue: 0,0:58:12.07,0:58:15.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The catcher steps out.\NInstead of a mask he's wearing\Na Samurai mask.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:15.38,0:58:17.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( imitate Japanese )
Dialogue: 0,0:58:17.31,0:58:20.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead of\Na glove, it's a vagina.\N"come to daddy!"
Dialogue: 0,0:58:20.28,0:58:23.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The batter walks out.\NInstead of cleats,\Nhe's got hooves.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:23.05,0:58:27.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, instead of a bat,\Nit's a cobra.\N( hisses )
Dialogue: 0,0:58:27.12,0:58:31.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You walk out on the mound,\Neven your glove's going,\N"this is fucking weird."
Dialogue: 0,0:58:31.16,0:58:32.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The ball--\N"yes, I love you."
Dialogue: 0,0:58:32.99,0:58:34.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's do this.\N"do it, daddy, do it."
Dialogue: 0,0:58:35.02,0:58:37.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( chanting )
Dialogue: 0,0:58:37.23,0:58:39.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( screaming )
Dialogue: 0,0:58:39.83,0:58:42.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Past the cobra,\Ninto the vagina.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:42.30,0:58:44.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( chanting )
Dialogue: 0,0:58:44.80,0:58:47.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For nine fucking\Ninnings?
Dialogue: 0,0:58:47.37,0:58:50.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck me.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:56.78,0:58:58.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, wow.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:58.74,0:59:00.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He should have his own\Nblack-light room
Dialogue: 0,0:59:00.95,0:59:03.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the Hall of Fame.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:03.38,0:59:05.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was growing up\Nthey used to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:05.88,0:59:08.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Robin, drugs can\Nkill you."
Dialogue: 0,0:59:08.09,0:59:10.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now that I'm 58,\Nmy doctor's going,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:10.69,0:59:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Robin, you need drugs\Nto live."
Dialogue: 0,0:59:14.56,0:59:18.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I realized my doctor's\Nmy dealer now
Dialogue: 0,0:59:18.26,0:59:20.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a lot harder\Nto get ahold of.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:20.29,0:59:22.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's always giving me\Nfree samples like,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:22.63,0:59:24.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yo, Robin,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:24.60,0:59:28.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some lipitor, motherfucker.\NTry it out.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:28.13,0:59:30.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's all I can\Nhook you up with right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:30.57,0:59:32.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got an H.M.O.\Non my back, baby.\NThat's all I can do."
Dialogue: 0,0:59:32.90,0:59:36.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's weird too--\Nthese drugs have\Nside effects
Dialogue: 0,0:59:36.71,0:59:38.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that go on\Nfor fucking days,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:38.18,0:59:41.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like tendency\Nto grow another head.\NOh my God.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:41.35,0:59:44.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we were growing up\Nwe knew the side effects\Nof the drugs we were taking.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:44.38,0:59:47.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cocaine-- side effects were\Nparanoia and ninjas on the lawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:47.28,0:59:49.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember that.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:49.05,0:59:50.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Quaaludes--\Nside effects were
Dialogue: 0,0:59:50.69,0:59:53.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Talking in tongues,\Nenglish as a second language.\NI remember that.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:53.79,0:59:55.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marijuana-- side effects\Nside were laughter
Dialogue: 0,0:59:55.89,0:59:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and frosted flakes.\NThat's all I remember.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:58.33,1:00:01.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now there are side effects\Nwhich fucking rival\Nthe syndrome.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:01.46,1:00:04.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a syndrome called\Nrestless leg syndrome.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:04.10,1:00:06.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What the fuck is that?\NA tendency to break out\Ninto a Riverdance?
Dialogue: 0,1:00:06.80,1:00:09.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "oh, dear Christ.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:09.71,1:00:13.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grandma's got fucking\Nrestless leg syndrome.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:13.68,1:00:15.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take care of kids.\NI'm on my way to Dublin.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:15.71,1:00:19.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take care."
Dialogue: 0,1:00:19.28,1:00:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And side effects include\Ncompulsive gambling
Dialogue: 0,1:00:22.62,1:00:24.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and obsessive\Nsexual behavior.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:24.99,1:00:28.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not a side effect.\NThat's fucking Vegas.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:28.62,1:00:32.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They should just give you\Na bus ticket and say,\N"good luck."
Dialogue: 0,1:00:32.56,1:00:34.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And how soon before\Nthey have a drug
Dialogue: 0,1:00:34.53,1:00:38.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where side effects may include\Nrectal ventriloquism?
Dialogue: 0,1:00:38.73,1:00:41.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If your asshole\Nstarts talking,
Dialogue: 0,1:00:41.24,1:00:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,call the doctor
Dialogue: 0,1:00:43.77,1:00:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or get friends over\N'cause it's gonna be\Na fun night.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:47.28,1:00:50.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what a great side effect\Nfor a politician.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:50.38,1:00:54.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I was never with that woman."\N"liar!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:54.28,1:00:56.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Liar!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:56.25,1:00:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's an asshole\Nand so am I!"
Dialogue: 0,1:01:00.02,1:01:02.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the one drug\Nthey give you
Dialogue: 0,1:01:02.89,1:01:05.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's kind of wonderful\Nbefore the surgery\Nwas viagra--
Dialogue: 0,1:01:05.69,1:01:07.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A great drug,\Namazing, a lot of fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:07.83,1:01:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After open-heart surgery--\Nnot so much fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:10.56,1:01:13.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Taking viagra\Nafter open-heart surgery
Dialogue: 0,1:01:13.13,1:01:15.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is like a civil war\Nreenactment with live ammo--\Nnot good.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:15.94,1:01:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a duel to the death\Nbetween your dick\Nand your heart.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:19.97,1:01:21.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The moment you take it,\Nyour penis is like,
Dialogue: 0,1:01:21.67,1:01:24.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm 25.\NYes! Let's do this!"
Dialogue: 0,1:01:24.54,1:01:26.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And your heart's going,\N"bullshit.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:26.91,1:01:29.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're just back online,\Nyou asshole.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:29.78,1:01:31.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Slow down.\NI'm gonna put a cramp\Nin your calf.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:31.72,1:01:33.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Argh!"
Dialogue: 0,1:01:33.75,1:01:36.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And your penis is going,\N"I've still got the hips.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:36.12,1:01:37.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ramming speed,\Nlet's do this."
Dialogue: 0,1:01:37.76,1:01:40.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And your heart's going,\N"I'm throwing your back out.
Dialogue: 0,1:01:40.16,1:01:42.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck off. Argh!"
Dialogue: 0,1:01:42.19,1:01:45.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And your penis\Nis going, "I'm still hard.\NWe're going in. Yeah!"
Dialogue: 0,1:01:45.30,1:01:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And your heart's going,\N"I'm opening up your asshole."\N( blows raspberry )
Dialogue: 0,1:01:48.83,1:01:50.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Argh!
Dialogue: 0,1:01:50.84,1:01:52.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"are you coming?"
Dialogue: 0,1:01:52.34,1:01:54.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, I think\NI'm fucking dying."
Dialogue: 0,1:01:54.94,1:01:58.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you finally\Ndo come after an hour--
Dialogue: 0,1:01:58.98,1:02:02.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And after an hour\Neven my penis is going,\N"I got shit to do."
Dialogue: 0,1:02:04.62,1:02:06.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After an hour\Nwhen you finally come\Nit's like,
Dialogue: 0,1:02:06.95,1:02:09.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Argh! Agh!
Dialogue: 0,1:02:09.69,1:02:12.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One drop of sperm...
Dialogue: 0,1:02:14.46,1:02:16.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With two 50-year-old\Nsperms going,
Dialogue: 0,1:02:16.63,1:02:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"where the fuck\Nare we?
Dialogue: 0,1:02:20.13,1:02:22.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never thought\NI'd be called into action.
Dialogue: 0,1:02:22.33,1:02:24.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is crazy."
Dialogue: 0,1:02:24.70,1:02:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sure if you had\Na microscope, they both\Nwould have walkers, like,
Dialogue: 0,1:02:28.04,1:02:31.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"keep moving.
Dialogue: 0,1:02:31.11,1:02:33.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My tail is cramping,\NGod damn it.
Dialogue: 0,1:02:35.78,1:02:39.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Head towards the tits.\NI know my way from there."
Dialogue: 0,1:02:39.68,1:02:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm sure\Nthere's two othesperms\Nin my balls going,
Dialogue: 0,1:02:43.12,1:02:45.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"wait here.
Dialogue: 0,1:02:45.09,1:02:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If she puts a finger\Nin the ass, then we go."
Dialogue: 0,1:02:48.96,1:02:52.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, indeed.
Dialogue: 0,1:02:53.03,1:02:57.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's\Nanother drug--
Dialogue: 0,1:02:57.57,1:03:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another drug\Nthey don't tell you\Nis a drug.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:00.50,1:03:02.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a class-4 narcotic--\Nalcohol.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:02.27,1:03:04.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the only warning\Nthey have on the bottle\Nof alcohol is
Dialogue: 0,1:03:04.67,1:03:08.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"don't drink this\Nif you're pregnant." bullshit.\NThat's how you got pregnant.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:08.88,1:03:12.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And alcohol\Nis especially dangerous\Nfor people like myself--
Dialogue: 0,1:03:12.68,1:03:15.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Alcoholics,\Nor you can say\N"ethanol-challenged,"
Dialogue: 0,1:03:15.75,1:03:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whatever you want\Nto call it.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:17.72,1:03:20.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people go,\N"now, Robin, how do I know\Nif I'm an alcoholic?"
Dialogue: 0,1:03:20.25,1:03:22.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, as one, let me give you\Nsome warning signs.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:22.89,1:03:25.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one--\Nafter a night\Nof heavy drinking
Dialogue: 0,1:03:25.39,1:03:30.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you wake up\Nfully-clothed going, "hey,\Nsomebody shit in my pants."
Dialogue: 0,1:03:36.50,1:03:38.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number two--
Dialogue: 0,1:03:38.44,1:03:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have a couple of cocktails\Nand you find yourself\Non the freeway going,
Dialogue: 0,1:03:41.34,1:03:45.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what are these fuckers doing\Ngoing the wrong way?"--\Nnumber two.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:45.11,1:03:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number three--\Nyou get drunk,
Dialogue: 0,1:03:48.31,1:03:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you go out\Nfor indian food,
Dialogue: 0,1:03:49.98,1:03:53.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you wake up in Bombay\Nwith a camel licking\Nyour balls.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:53.72,1:03:57.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ta-dah!\NYou are an alcoholic.
Dialogue: 0,1:03:57.45,1:04:00.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some people say,\N"Robin, I'm a functioning\Nalcoholic."
Dialogue: 0,1:04:00.96,1:04:03.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can be one.\NIt's like being a paraplegic\Nlap dancer.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:03.82,1:04:06.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can do it,
Dialogue: 0,1:04:06.49,1:04:10.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just not as well\Nas the others really.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:10.36,1:04:13.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they say alcoholism\Nis peer pressure.\NBullshit.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:13.37,1:04:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Peer pressure\Nfor an alcoholic is,\N"psst, come here."
Dialogue: 0,1:04:16.54,1:04:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I believe alcoholics\Nare God's rodeo clowns.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:20.24,1:04:22.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're the ones\Ndoing the stupid shit\Nnobody else will do.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:22.84,1:04:25.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're the ones coming\Nout of chute number five\Non a fifth of vodka like,
Dialogue: 0,1:04:25.51,1:04:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yee-haw!"\Nlooking for a woman\Nwho's going,
Dialogue: 0,1:04:28.02,1:04:30.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you're the one."\N"yeah!"
Dialogue: 0,1:04:30.58,1:04:32.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we're moody\Nlittle motherfuckers too,
Dialogue: 0,1:04:32.85,1:04:36.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause we'll be like,\N"God damn it, man,\NI love you.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:36.22,1:04:38.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll fucking\Nkill you.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:38.22,1:04:40.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Step outside.\NI'll kick my ass.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:40.09,1:04:41.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn it,\Nlet's do this.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:41.93,1:04:44.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Poor me.\NGoddamn poor me.
Dialogue: 0,1:04:44.73,1:04:48.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pour me\Nanother drink."
Dialogue: 0,1:04:48.20,1:04:50.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we think\Nwe're sexy too,
Dialogue: 0,1:04:50.20,1:04:52.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause we'll come up\Nto women going like,
Dialogue: 0,1:04:52.20,1:04:54.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, baby.\NWere your parents retarded?
Dialogue: 0,1:04:54.21,1:04:56.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because you sure are\Nspecial."
Dialogue: 0,1:05:01.05,1:05:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we see\Nnothing wrong with that.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:03.65,1:05:06.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got backup.\NIf that doesn't work,\Nwe go,
Dialogue: 0,1:05:06.48,1:05:09.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, sit on my face.\NI'll guess your weight.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:09.66,1:05:12.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah!"\N( barks )
Dialogue: 0,1:05:12.49,1:05:15.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ladies, if you\Ntake an alcoholic home\Nfor the night,
Dialogue: 0,1:05:15.36,1:05:17.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,oh, good luck.\NYou're in for a fun evening.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:18.03,1:05:21.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like\Nplaying pool with a rope.\NGood fucking luck.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:21.13,1:05:23.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He'll be like,\N"I love you.\N( retching )
Dialogue: 0,1:05:23.84,1:05:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love you."
Dialogue: 0,1:05:25.80,1:05:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the next morning,\Nthat all-important question,
Dialogue: 0,1:05:28.57,1:05:31.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"who the fuck\Nare you?"
Dialogue: 0,1:05:31.11,1:05:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( bleats )
Dialogue: 0,1:05:33.71,1:05:37.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh my God.\NWell, at least\NI'll get a sweater.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:37.08,1:05:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cool.\NFuckin'-a."
Dialogue: 0,1:05:39.52,1:05:41.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause, you see,\Nas an alcoholic,
Dialogue: 0,1:05:41.49,1:05:43.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will violate\Nyour standards quicker\Nthan you can lower them.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:43.86,1:05:45.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You will do shit\Nthat even the devil would go,
Dialogue: 0,1:05:46.02,1:05:49.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"dude."
Dialogue: 0,1:05:49.16,1:05:51.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's a voice\Nthat tells alcoholics\Nwe can drink.
Dialogue: 0,1:05:51.83,1:05:55.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the same voice you hear\Nif you can go up to the top\Nof a very large building
Dialogue: 0,1:05:55.87,1:06:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you look over the side,\Nthere's a little voice\Nthat goes, "jump.
Dialogue: 0,1:06:00.04,1:06:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can fly."
Dialogue: 0,1:06:02.37,1:06:04.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though your asshole\Nis going, "no, you can't."
Dialogue: 0,1:06:04.98,1:06:08.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you ever thought\Nabout jumping off\Na tall building,
Dialogue: 0,1:06:08.18,1:06:10.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was\Na guy who jumped off\Nthe Golden Gate Bridge
Dialogue: 0,1:06:10.51,1:06:12.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he survived.\NAnd he said this--\Nhe said,
Dialogue: 0,1:06:12.62,1:06:16.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"halfway down I thought\Nit was a bad idea."
Dialogue: 0,1:06:16.75,1:06:20.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some things you may\Nwant to stay away from\Nwhile drinking heavily:
Dialogue: 0,1:06:20.62,1:06:23.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ebay-- not a good idea.
Dialogue: 0,1:06:23.06,1:06:26.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ebay and alcoholism--\Na perfect storm\Naddiction.
Dialogue: 0,1:06:26.06,1:06:27.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You'll find yourself\Nup to your ass
Dialogue: 0,1:06:27.73,1:06:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In George Foreman grills\Nand shamwows.
Dialogue: 0,1:06:30.73,1:06:33.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another thing\Nyou don't want to do\Nwhile really drunk
Dialogue: 0,1:06:33.27,1:06:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is get a tattoo.\NI did.
Dialogue: 0,1:06:35.24,1:06:37.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got really loaded.\NI got a tattoo in mandarin\Nthat says
Dialogue: 0,1:06:37.64,1:06:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"happiness and laughter"\Nright here.
Dialogue: 0,1:06:39.47,1:06:42.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think it says that.\NI've never had a chinese person\Nthat close to my balls
Dialogue: 0,1:06:42.11,1:06:43.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Going, "that's what\Nit says."
Dialogue: 0,1:06:43.74,1:06:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I had a friend\Nget really fucked up
Dialogue: 0,1:06:46.28,1:06:49.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he got a tattoo in mandarin\Nthat's supposed to say\N"golden warrior."
Dialogue: 0,1:06:49.38,1:06:53.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a chinese friend said,\N"no, it says 'ass monkey.'"
Dialogue: 0,1:06:53.22,1:06:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then the idiot went out\Nand got drunk again
Dialogue: 0,1:06:55.22,1:06:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and got a tattoo in hindu\Nthat was supposed to say\N"dawn of enlightenment."
Dialogue: 0,1:06:57.59,1:07:01.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a hindu friend said,\N"no, it says 'deliveries\Non Tuesday.'"
Dialogue: 0,1:07:01.39,1:07:03.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he is not the ass monkey\Nwho delivers on Tuesday
Dialogue: 0,1:07:03.89,1:07:05.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the rest\Nof his life.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:05.56,1:07:07.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And girls, if you want\Nto get that lovely tattoo
Dialogue: 0,1:07:07.80,1:07:09.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the sunrise\Nrising out of your ass crack--
Dialogue: 0,1:07:09.63,1:07:11.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gorgeous when you're 20,\Nbut when you're 50
Dialogue: 0,1:07:11.70,1:07:15.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's an octopus\Nchasing a fucking starfish.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:15.94,1:07:18.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So no.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:18.34,1:07:20.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Be careful.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:24.14,1:07:27.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if they made a drug\Nthat allowed you to drink\Nand not get drunk,
Dialogue: 0,1:07:27.58,1:07:31.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an alcoholic would go,\N"what happens if you\Ntake two?" no.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:31.05,1:07:33.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause we have these things\Ncalled blackouts\Nas alcoholics.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:33.95,1:07:36.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not really blackouts.\NIt's more like sleepwalking\Nwith activities.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:36.89,1:07:39.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kind of strange.\NI believe it's your conscience
Dialogue: 0,1:07:39.56,1:07:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going into\Na witness protection program.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:42.06,1:07:44.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's your\Nconscience going,
Dialogue: 0,1:07:44.06,1:07:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you're about\Nto fuck a hobbit.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:46.87,1:07:49.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gotta go.\NGood luck."
Dialogue: 0,1:07:49.37,1:07:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna leave the dick on\Nand after an hour I'm opening\Nup the asshole,
Dialogue: 0,1:07:52.77,1:07:55.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that didn't\Nstop you Tuesday.\NGood luck. Take care."
Dialogue: 0,1:07:55.81,1:07:57.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And alcoholics,\Nwe're like assholes.
Dialogue: 0,1:07:57.81,1:08:00.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can't wait\Nto shit on everybody--\Nfamily, friends.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:00.52,1:08:03.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll be like,\N"fuck you, fuck you,\Nfuck you, fuck you.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:03.38,1:08:06.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Go fuck yourself.\NFuck you. Fuck.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:06.92,1:08:09.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm fucked."
Dialogue: 0,1:08:09.32,1:08:11.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they tried to send\Nmy ass to rehab,\Nand I went,
Dialogue: 0,1:08:11.72,1:08:13.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yeah yeah yeah."
Dialogue: 0,1:08:13.69,1:08:18.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I went to rehab\Nin wine country just to keep\Nmy options open.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:20.00,1:08:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while I was in rehab\NI read an article\Nin "The Inquirer"
Dialogue: 0,1:08:22.90,1:08:26.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about my being drunk.\NIt was like, "that poor fuck.\NOh, fuck, that's me."
Dialogue: 0,1:08:26.27,1:08:28.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the weird thing too
Dialogue: 0,1:08:28.41,1:08:30.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about when you read articles\Nin "The Inquirer" or "TMZ"
Dialogue: 0,1:08:31.01,1:08:34.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're looking\Nat all these assholes going,\N"those poor motherfuckers."
Dialogue: 0,1:08:34.05,1:08:36.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And only the Germans\Ncould come up with the word\Nfor that--
Dialogue: 0,1:08:36.85,1:08:39.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Feeling pleasure\Nat other people's misfortune.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:39.19,1:08:41.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's called schadenfreude.\NAnd only the Germans could go,
Dialogue: 0,1:08:41.89,1:08:44.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we found\Nthe fucking word for that.\NGod bless you."
Dialogue: 0,1:08:44.89,1:08:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was once\Non a German talk show.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:46.90,1:08:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you want to go on one,\Nit's a lot of fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:08:49.10,1:08:51.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's really fun.\NAnd I was on this\NGerman talk show
Dialogue: 0,1:08:51.50,1:08:53.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this woman said to me,\Nshe said, "Mr. Williams,
Dialogue: 0,1:08:53.87,1:08:56.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why do you think\Nthere's not so much\Ncomedy in Germany?"
Dialogue: 0,1:08:56.67,1:09:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "did you\Nand ever think you killed,\Nall the funny people?"
Dialogue: 0,1:09:00.24,1:09:02.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( laughter )
Dialogue: 0,1:09:02.24,1:09:06.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was--
Dialogue: 0,1:09:06.61,1:09:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And here's what\Ngot interesting.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:09.22,1:09:12.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She didn't bat an eyelash.\NShe just went, "no."
Dialogue: 0,1:09:12.62,1:09:16.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At that point\Neven God's going,\N"do you get it?"
Dialogue: 0,1:09:16.59,1:09:19.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,German comedy:\NKnock knock, we ask\Nthe questions.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:19.96,1:09:22.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like the French\Nproduction of "Anne Frank"--
Dialogue: 0,1:09:22.66,1:09:25.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"she's upstairs!"
Dialogue: 0,1:09:25.36,1:09:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we have\Na German Pope now.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:27.33,1:09:29.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you get\Na German Pope?\NWell, it's a tough gig.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:29.80,1:09:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't retire the jersey\Nlike Magic Johnson.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:32.14,1:09:34.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You stay in the chair\Nto the bitter end.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:34.14,1:09:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Remember John Paul II?\NIt was like,
Dialogue: 0,1:09:35.91,1:09:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( imitates latin )
Dialogue: 0,1:09:41.88,1:09:44.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}in nomine patris, et filii,\Net spiritus sancti.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:09:47.89,1:09:51.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're lucky\Nhe didn't have dementia\Nin the Yankee Stadium, going,
Dialogue: 0,1:09:51.29,1:09:53.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"everybody gets pudding.
Dialogue: 0,1:09:53.93,1:09:59.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Chocolate pudding.\NChocolate pudding."
Dialogue: 0,1:09:59.40,1:10:00.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when the pope dies,
Dialogue: 0,1:10:01.03,1:10:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the Vatican\Nfinds out you're dead\Nthe old-fashioned way:
Dialogue: 0,1:10:03.70,1:10:05.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have a guy come\Nwith a silver hammer--
Dialogue: 0,1:10:05.37,1:10:07.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not maxwell-- but he comes\Nand he basically comes in--
Dialogue: 0,1:10:07.84,1:10:10.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he basically\Ncomes in and goes, pwap!\NAnd if the Pope goes, "ahh!"
Dialogue: 0,1:10:10.71,1:10:13.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"one more week!\NHe's got another week!"
Dialogue: 0,1:10:13.91,1:10:16.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the moment\Nthe Pope dies,
Dialogue: 0,1:10:16.12,1:10:18.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they take him through\NSaint Peter's Basilica
Dialogue: 0,1:10:18.08,1:10:20.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and 50,000 cell phones\Nare like... ( clicking )
Dialogue: 0,1:10:20.79,1:10:22.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm sure that was\Nhis last wish.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:22.86,1:10:24.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"when I die,
Dialogue: 0,1:10:24.99,1:10:27.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to be\Na screen saver."
Dialogue: 0,1:10:27.23,1:10:29.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then what happens?
Dialogue: 0,1:10:29.86,1:10:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The College of Cardinals,\Nthey all go into\Na small dark room
Dialogue: 0,1:10:32.70,1:10:34.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the only thing that\Ncomes out is smoke.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:34.87,1:10:38.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm going,\N"what are you doing in there?"
Dialogue: 0,1:10:38.04,1:10:41.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I believe they have\Nda Vinci's hookah.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:41.04,1:10:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're inside getting\Na little loaded, going...
Dialogue: 0,1:10:43.51,1:10:46.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( inhaling )\N"I got a crazy idea.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:46.38,1:10:49.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No no no, wait wait wait!\NWait, listen, this is crazy.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:49.21,1:10:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No, wait!
Dialogue: 0,1:10:50.72,1:10:52.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The last Pope\Nwas Polish, right?
Dialogue: 0,1:10:52.35,1:10:54.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, no, wait--\Nthis is a good one! Hold on.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:54.72,1:10:57.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How about this?\NNo, wait, this is crazy.
Dialogue: 0,1:10:57.06,1:10:59.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How about this?\NA nazi!"
Dialogue: 0,1:10:59.06,1:11:00.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( laughs )
Dialogue: 0,1:11:00.83,1:11:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no no, Hitler youth.\NIt's like boy scouts\Nwith artillery.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:04.53,1:11:07.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's great! It'll scare\Nthe shit out of the jews.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:07.23,1:11:09.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll be like, 'oy!'"
Dialogue: 0,1:11:09.57,1:11:11.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was hoping,\Nrather than a German Pope,
Dialogue: 0,1:11:11.90,1:11:14.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they would do something cool\Nlike a latin american Pope, man.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:14.74,1:11:17.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That would have been cool,\Nlike Pope Enrique.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:17.91,1:11:19.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah!\NThat would be cool.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:19.78,1:11:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he'd have\Nthe cool pope-mobile
Dialogue: 0,1:11:22.11,1:11:24.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "Ave Maria!
Dialogue: 0,1:11:24.08,1:11:27.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Check it out--\N( scatting )"
Dialogue: 0,1:11:27.55,1:11:30.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or a Brazilian Pope,\N'cause then you could have\Nthe samba nuns in the thongs
Dialogue: 0,1:11:30.92,1:11:33.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Going, "come on back\Nto the church.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:33.26,1:11:34.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on back to\Nthe church.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:34.92,1:11:36.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know you want to come back\Nto the church.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:36.76,1:11:38.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on back to\Nthe church."
Dialogue: 0,1:11:38.43,1:11:40.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sure the kids would go,\N"fuck the internet!
Dialogue: 0,1:11:40.63,1:11:42.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going back to church."
Dialogue: 0,1:11:42.97,1:11:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's weird.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:44.67,1:11:47.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Vatican and homosexuality--\Noil, water.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:47.80,1:11:50.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Pope is always,\N"homosexuality is\Nan abomination."
Dialogue: 0,1:11:51.01,1:11:53.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Time out.\N"you're the Pope?" "yes."
Dialogue: 0,1:11:53.51,1:11:56.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you're dressed like\NFreddy Mercury's stunt double.
Dialogue: 0,1:11:58.42,1:12:02.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your purse is on fire\Nand you're surrounded\Nby hundreds of boys.
Dialogue: 0,1:12:02.08,1:12:05.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you've had kind of a problem\Nin the after-school area."
Dialogue: 0,1:12:05.56,1:12:08.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why is there\Na problem with pedophilia in\Nthe Catholic Church?
Dialogue: 0,1:12:08.72,1:12:11.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, it's a big deal.\NYou become a priest--\Nretire this.
Dialogue: 0,1:12:11.86,1:12:15.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And once a week, we're gonna\Nput you in a small dark box
Dialogue: 0,1:12:15.26,1:12:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people are gonna tell you\Ntheir nastiest sexual shit.
Dialogue: 0,1:12:19.13,1:12:21.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"bless me, father,\Nfor I have sinned."
Dialogue: 0,1:12:21.34,1:12:22.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yes, my son?"
Dialogue: 0,1:12:22.97,1:12:26.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"last night I had sex\Nwith two Thai twins,
Dialogue: 0,1:12:26.24,1:12:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a slip 'n slide,
Dialogue: 0,1:12:28.41,1:12:31.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a diving helmet,
Dialogue: 0,1:12:31.08,1:12:33.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a ferret."
Dialogue: 0,1:12:34.82,1:12:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"could you say that\Nslower, my son?"
Dialogue: 0,1:12:38.69,1:12:40.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I believe the Vatican's\Ngonna come out one day
Dialogue: 0,1:12:40.86,1:12:42.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and come out big.\NIt's gonna be...
Dialogue: 0,1:12:42.66,1:12:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}♪ in nomine patris... ♪{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:12:43.90,1:12:46.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}( loudly )\N♪ et spiritus santi! ♪{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:12:46.76,1:12:48.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ one secular sensation ♪
Dialogue: 0,1:12:49.00,1:12:50.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ all the\Nfolks you meet ♪
Dialogue: 0,1:12:50.67,1:12:52.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ da da da da\Nda da! ♪
Dialogue: 0,1:12:52.17,1:12:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ one singular salvation ♪
Dialogue: 0,1:12:55.24,1:12:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ every word on\Nthe street! ♪
Dialogue: 0,1:12:57.28,1:12:58.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ da da da da da da! ♪
Dialogue: 0,1:12:59.01,1:13:01.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there still will be\Nthe evangelicals going,
Dialogue: 0,1:13:01.64,1:13:03.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"homosexuality\Nis a sickness."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:03.78,1:13:07.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the same Reverend\Nwill be caught buying crack\Nfrom a gay prostitute
Dialogue: 0,1:13:07.24,1:13:11.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going, "we were just\Nplaying tummy swords."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:11.38,1:13:14.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he'll deny it going,\N"I did not perform\Na homosexual act."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:14.48,1:13:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"no, you didn't.\NElton John is a homosexual act.
Dialogue: 0,1:13:16.65,1:13:19.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You just blew that guy.\NIt's okay."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:19.42,1:13:22.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this Reverend went to\Nrehab for homosexuality.
Dialogue: 0,1:13:22.42,1:13:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going, "I was in rehab.\NI didn't see that wing.
Dialogue: 0,1:13:25.29,1:13:28.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was no cockenders\Nin my rehab."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:28.46,1:13:31.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And is homosexuality\Na preexisting condition?
Dialogue: 0,1:13:31.16,1:13:32.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What the fuck?
Dialogue: 0,1:13:32.67,1:13:35.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the other people that\Ncome out against the whole thing
Dialogue: 0,1:13:35.47,1:13:37.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are the Mormons. They came out\Nagainst gay marriage big time.
Dialogue: 0,1:13:37.94,1:13:40.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with gay marriage,\Nyou couldn't even say\N"gay marriage."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:40.14,1:13:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In California you couldn't\Ncall it "gay marriage."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:42.14,1:13:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was like,\N"what do we call it?"
Dialogue: 0,1:13:43.48,1:13:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we'll call it\N'same-sex marriage.'"
Dialogue: 0,1:13:45.14,1:13:46.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people who have been\Nmarried for a long time
Dialogue: 0,1:13:46.94,1:13:48.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are going,\N"that's a little redundant.
Dialogue: 0,1:13:48.55,1:13:50.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you've been married a long\Ntime, it's always the same sex.
Dialogue: 0,1:13:50.58,1:13:51.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shut the fuck--"
Dialogue: 0,1:13:51.95,1:13:54.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,1:13:54.28,1:13:56.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then they said,\N"we'll call it a union."
Dialogue: 0,1:13:56.15,1:14:00.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then the union guys\Nget pissed going, "it's not\Na fucking union.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:00.39,1:14:03.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not\N'local cocksuckers #69.'"
Dialogue: 0,1:14:05.13,1:14:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you're going,\N"wait a minute, Canada\Nhas gay marriage.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:08.33,1:14:10.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you want all the gay people\Nto immigrate to Canada?
Dialogue: 0,1:14:10.67,1:14:13.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then they'll win figure skating\Nfor the next 200 years! No!
Dialogue: 0,1:14:14.01,1:14:16.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're already the nicest\Npeople on the planet.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:16.54,1:14:19.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you want them to be\Nthe best dressed?\NThat's bullshit!"
Dialogue: 0,1:14:19.84,1:14:22.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the whole thing--\Nand we talked briefly about\Nthis before--
Dialogue: 0,1:14:22.68,1:14:25.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other people that come out\Nagainst gay marriage\Nwere the Mormons.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:25.35,1:14:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically the Mormons--\Nthe people that used to\Ndo polygamy--
Dialogue: 0,1:14:27.72,1:14:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they used to\Nperfect polygamy.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:29.56,1:14:32.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A Mormon giving marital advice\Nis like the octomom
Dialogue: 0,1:14:32.12,1:14:34.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Running a Planned Parenthood\NClinic.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:34.96,1:14:38.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if the answer to "who's your\Ndaddy?" is multiple choice,
Dialogue: 0,1:14:38.33,1:14:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,come with me, my friend.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:41.06,1:14:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who thought polygamy\Nwas a great idea?
Dialogue: 0,1:14:42.93,1:14:44.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who got married and went,
Dialogue: 0,1:14:44.90,1:14:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"my one marriage isn't\Ngoing so well.
Dialogue: 0,1:14:47.11,1:14:49.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to double down."
Dialogue: 0,1:14:49.28,1:14:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck off, man!
Dialogue: 0,1:14:51.58,1:14:53.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you-- why would you\Nwant another strong opinion?
Dialogue: 0,1:14:53.91,1:14:56.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if you marry a deaf\Nand a blind girl,
Dialogue: 0,1:14:56.42,1:14:58.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they will\Nfucking communicate!
Dialogue: 0,1:14:58.58,1:15:01.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they will work out that\Nyou are the asshole.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:01.59,1:15:04.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In marriage, I've learned this:\NIn marriage
Dialogue: 0,1:15:04.06,1:15:07.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's penalties for\Nearly withdrawal and deposit\Nin another account.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:07.73,1:15:09.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Remember that.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:15:09.53,1:15:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And alimony doesn't\Nstop people.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:11.90,1:15:14.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Alimony-- look at a guy.\NYou could call it all the money
Dialogue: 0,1:15:14.24,1:15:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and guys would still be going,\N"I'm in. Let's do this."
Dialogue: 0,1:15:16.54,1:15:18.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Look at Donald Trump.\NHe's always going,\N"this one's broken.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:18.91,1:15:20.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bring me another one.\NHa ha ha!"
Dialogue: 0,1:15:20.91,1:15:23.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But maybe there should be\Na three-strike law\Nwith marriage.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:23.44,1:15:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to get married\Nfor a fourth time, you have to\Ngive up a body part.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:26.48,1:15:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then that might\Nslow people down.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:28.21,1:15:29.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, "Bob, how many times\Nyou been married?"
Dialogue: 0,1:15:29.98,1:15:31.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"four times, Robin."
Dialogue: 0,1:15:31.55,1:15:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ted, how many times\Nyou been married?"
Dialogue: 0,1:15:33.65,1:15:36.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( garbled )\N"five times, Robin.\NFive times."
Dialogue: 0,1:15:36.25,1:15:39.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Larry King would just be\Na fucking head on a stick.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:42.82,1:15:46.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And...
Dialogue: 0,1:15:46.16,1:15:48.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You talk about\Nintelligent design--
Dialogue: 0,1:15:48.33,1:15:50.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,look at the human body.\NIt's waste-processing plant
Dialogue: 0,1:15:50.66,1:15:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Near a recreation area.\NHow intelligent is that?
Dialogue: 0,1:15:53.00,1:15:56.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they say the platypus was\Nan animal designed by committee.
Dialogue: 0,1:15:56.67,1:15:58.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was the human body\Ndesigned by committee?
Dialogue: 0,1:15:58.51,1:16:00.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was there a group of guys\Nwho designed it?
Dialogue: 0,1:16:00.14,1:16:01.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was the guy going, "Tom,\Ndo you have those designs
Dialogue: 0,1:16:01.94,1:16:03.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the human\Nreproductive system?"
Dialogue: 0,1:16:03.34,1:16:05.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I do, Ted. Let's show you\Nwhat we came up with.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:05.11,1:16:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Normally with the mammal penis,\Nwe have the retractable.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:07.82,1:16:09.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We decided to something\Ndifferent for the mammal--
Dialogue: 0,1:16:09.75,1:16:11.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The male penis for the human.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:11.12,1:16:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We call it 'the collapsible.'\Nkind of fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:13.35,1:16:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And look at this: Murray\Ncame up with the idea of making\Nthe covering optional.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:16.86,1:16:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, Murray.\NWay to go.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:18.86,1:16:21.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we take the covering off,\Nit's a little sharp,\Na little pointy.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:21.73,1:16:23.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need something on the top\Nto soften it up.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:23.46,1:16:24.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bob, what was your idea?"
Dialogue: 0,1:16:24.76,1:16:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"a mushroom cap."\N"thank you, Bob.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:27.40,1:16:30.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We put the mushroom cap on\Nthe top and it's kind of a tool
Dialogue: 0,1:16:30.07,1:16:32.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause when it's retracted,\Nit looks like a little\Ntoad stool
Dialogue: 0,1:16:32.44,1:16:35.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when it's erect like\Na little soldier-- thank you.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:35.54,1:16:37.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Tim put a piece of sting\Nup at the top.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:37.17,1:16:39.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, Tim. I guess to\Ntune it. Thank you, Tim.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:39.10,1:16:41.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we run the semen out\Nthe top and urine through--
Dialogue: 0,1:16:41.91,1:16:44.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We also run urine through there.\NWe call it multitasking,
Dialogue: 0,1:16:44.11,1:16:46.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or 'coming and going.'
Dialogue: 0,1:16:46.68,1:16:49.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kind of a fun concept.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:49.18,1:16:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And initially we just\Nhad the sperm stored inside\Nthe penis itself
Dialogue: 0,1:16:52.51,1:16:54.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a toothpaste tube--\Npbbt! Gone.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:54.58,1:16:57.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we need something to\Nstore it in and produce it.
Dialogue: 0,1:16:57.39,1:16:59.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was your idea, Carl?"\N"nuts."
Dialogue: 0,1:16:59.49,1:17:01.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"thank you, Carl.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:01.22,1:17:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Initially we used walnuts.\NWe've had good luck with\Nthose in the past."
Dialogue: 0,1:17:04.40,1:17:06.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the human males are\Ngoing, "we can't sneak up\Non the females."
Dialogue: 0,1:17:06.90,1:17:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what do you mean?\NListen." ( clucking )
Dialogue: 0,1:17:10.10,1:17:12.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"got it.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:12.44,1:17:15.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Forget the coconuts.\NLet's try something different!
Dialogue: 0,1:17:15.24,1:17:17.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bob, what was your idea\Nto replace them?"
Dialogue: 0,1:17:17.71,1:17:19.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"balls."\N"balls! That's it.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:19.84,1:17:22.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who doesn't like balls?\NWhat fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:22.25,1:17:25.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Initially we used three balls,\Nand here's some of the tests\Nwith the three balls.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:25.52,1:17:27.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were going\Neverywhere.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:27.42,1:17:29.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The male was, like,\Nplaying with the balls,\Nplaying with the balls.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:29.65,1:17:32.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we went, 'we'd better\Nput those in a bag.'
Dialogue: 0,1:17:32.39,1:17:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we decided to\Nmake a bag
Dialogue: 0,1:17:34.66,1:17:37.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the only thing we had\Nlying around was some old\Nturkey neck.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:37.76,1:17:40.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, 'use it!\NLet's try it.'
Dialogue: 0,1:17:40.26,1:17:44.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So...
Dialogue: 0,1:17:44.50,1:17:48.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We put the balls in\Nthe turkey neck and, um...
Dialogue: 0,1:17:49.61,1:17:52.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's ugly.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:52.61,1:17:55.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think...
Dialogue: 0,1:17:55.61,1:17:57.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,1:17:58.01,1:18:00.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Next to the asshole,\Nit's one of the uglier things\Nwe made, really.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:00.82,1:18:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we got some negative\Nfeedback from the females
Dialogue: 0,1:18:03.75,1:18:06.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who were going,\N'we're not going down there\Nunless you cover that up!'
Dialogue: 0,1:18:06.62,1:18:08.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'okay!' so we put\Nsome garnish around it.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:08.96,1:18:12.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And initially we made\Nthe hair straight.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:12.49,1:18:14.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The females: 'my eyes!'\N'okay.'
Dialogue: 0,1:18:14.70,1:18:16.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Curly! We put curly hair.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:16.80,1:18:19.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And initially we put the hair\Neverywhere-- even the top\Nof the penis.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:19.80,1:18:24.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it looked\Nlike my uncle Phil.\NLike, 'hey, how are you?'
Dialogue: 0,1:18:24.67,1:18:27.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we just went with\Na topiary thing,
Dialogue: 0,1:18:27.04,1:18:28.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was kind of fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:28.61,1:18:30.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the females went,\N'we'll go down there now.'
Dialogue: 0,1:18:30.81,1:18:32.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, ladies.\NThank you.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:32.81,1:18:35.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is cool because you\Ncan start the penis orally--\Nthank you;
Dialogue: 0,1:18:35.82,1:18:39.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Manually-- thank you, Manuel,\Nfor finding that out;
Dialogue: 0,1:18:39.15,1:18:42.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,finger in the ass--\NTed found that out.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:42.16,1:18:45.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said it was\Nan accident.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:45.19,1:18:47.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kidder.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:47.16,1:18:50.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you play with the balls,\Nthe penis likes that.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:50.53,1:18:51.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:51.87,1:18:54.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we did find out a negative\Nthing about the balls.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:54.07,1:18:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you hit them\Nreally hard,
Dialogue: 0,1:18:56.04,1:18:58.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a total\Nsystem reset.
Dialogue: 0,1:18:59.81,1:19:03.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like...
Dialogue: 0,1:19:03.24,1:19:05.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if it was a slot machine,\Nit would pay. It was\Nkind of rough.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:05.64,1:19:08.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's essentially\Nthe design for the penis.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:08.58,1:19:10.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Initially we gave the male\Nabout 800 sperms
Dialogue: 0,1:19:10.88,1:19:13.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and those were gone\Nin a millisecond.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:13.22,1:19:16.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now we give him\N8 to 9 billion, and he\Nshoots them everywhere:
Dialogue: 0,1:19:16.42,1:19:18.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tits, drapes.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:18.79,1:19:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We found some on the ceiling.\NThose are the overachievers.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:22.30,1:19:24.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We hope some make it\Nto the vagina.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:24.80,1:19:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In terms of the vagina,\NCarl's in charge of\Nthe vagina project.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:27.33,1:19:29.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Carl, what did\Nyou come up with?"
Dialogue: 0,1:19:29.34,1:19:30.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, normally with\Nthe mammal vagina,
Dialogue: 0,1:19:31.01,1:19:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have the genital slit\Nor opening.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:32.74,1:19:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We decided to accessorize it."
Dialogue: 0,1:19:34.21,1:19:35.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what did you accessorize\Nit with, Carl?"
Dialogue: 0,1:19:36.01,1:19:37.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"curtains.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:37.94,1:19:41.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We just thought it makes it\Nless of an opening and more\Nof a show, really.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:41.78,1:19:45.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kind of-- we had\Nsome old lips lying around.\NWe said, 'try those!
Dialogue: 0,1:19:45.58,1:19:47.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's give it a go.'
Dialogue: 0,1:19:47.39,1:19:50.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And initially we made it\Nhorizontal, and...
Dialogue: 0,1:19:50.69,1:19:53.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the damn thing talked.
Dialogue: 0,1:19:56.16,1:19:58.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}It was weird.{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:19:59.83,1:20:01.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the first time it talked,\Nthe males were going,
Dialogue: 0,1:20:01.73,1:20:04.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'I'm not going down there\Nif it talks!
Dialogue: 0,1:20:04.34,1:20:07.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've already got\None opinion down here!\NI don't need a second one!'
Dialogue: 0,1:20:07.81,1:20:09.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fine.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:10.01,1:20:13.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now we made it vertical\Nand now it just farts.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:13.14,1:20:16.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So-- and the first time it went,\Nit was like... ( neighs ).
Dialogue: 0,1:20:16.05,1:20:18.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'easy, big fella.'
Dialogue: 0,1:20:18.08,1:20:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the asshole got offended,\Nsaying, 'that's my job!'
Dialogue: 0,1:20:20.12,1:20:22.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'okay, hold on.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:22.32,1:20:24.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yours will smell.\NNot to worry. Not to worry.'
Dialogue: 0,1:20:24.76,1:20:28.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we needed something\Nkind of special--\None last little thing
Dialogue: 0,1:20:28.06,1:20:30.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that would really work.\NAnd Clint came up with\Na brilliant idea.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:30.89,1:20:33.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think we're\Ngonna name it--\Nit's kind of wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:33.76,1:20:35.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Clint, what was your idea?"
Dialogue: 0,1:20:35.10,1:20:37.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"a doorbell."\N"thank you, Clint.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:37.10,1:20:40.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You ring the doorbell,\Nthe curtains open.\NIt's kind of fun.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:40.44,1:20:44.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some guys can't find it.\NOthers don't know when to\Nstop ringing it.
Dialogue: 0,1:20:44.34,1:20:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you ring the doorbell,\Nthe curtains open,
Dialogue: 0,1:20:47.58,1:20:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the penis goes inside.\NAnd Tom worked out\Nsome choreography
Dialogue: 0,1:20:50.78,1:20:53.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the balls that's\Nkind of fun. That's really...
Dialogue: 0,1:21:00.66,1:21:02.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it gets everything\Nready to go.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:03.03,1:21:05.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the sperms fly out up into\Nthe human female.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:05.96,1:21:07.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She carries the egg.\NNormally we gave it--
Dialogue: 0,1:21:08.03,1:21:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we tried first giving\Nthe egg to the male.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:09.93,1:21:12.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He kept losing it.\NAnd we went, 'fine.'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:12.14,1:21:14.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We gave it to the female.\NShe carries it.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:14.34,1:21:17.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then we thought,\N'the male will be in charge\Nof feeding the infant.'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:17.11,1:21:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We gave the human male\Ntwo breasts.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:19.61,1:21:22.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the male is like, 'ha!'\N'okay, nipples. That's all.'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:22.34,1:21:25.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We thought, 'the female\Nwill be in charge of feeding\Nthe infant too.'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:25.58,1:21:27.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we gave her six breasts\Nlike a mammal.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:27.55,1:21:29.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the male was like,\N'ha ha! Ah ha ha!'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:29.95,1:21:32.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'two hands, two tits!\NThat's it.'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:34.09,1:21:37.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so the female will,\Ncarry the infant to term'
Dialogue: 0,1:21:37.66,1:21:39.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it will come out\Nthrough the curtains.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:39.96,1:21:42.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they get wide...
Dialogue: 0,1:21:42.23,1:21:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like Broadway.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:45.64,1:21:47.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she'll also\Nfeed the infant.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:47.77,1:21:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The male will assist.\NHa ha!
Dialogue: 0,1:21:51.14,1:21:54.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we do have one major\Ndesign flaw.
Dialogue: 0,1:21:54.14,1:21:56.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've tried to wire\Nthe penis to the conscience
Dialogue: 0,1:21:56.68,1:21:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it keeps\Nshort circuiting."
Dialogue: 0,1:21:58.85,1:22:01.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's weird too--\Nthe whole thing.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:01.38,1:22:03.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, every since I was\Na little boy, it was like,
Dialogue: 0,1:22:03.32,1:22:05.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first time\NI was cleaning it,\Nit went off. "I'm sorry!"
Dialogue: 0,1:22:05.69,1:22:07.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then later on\Nit was like, breasts.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:07.72,1:22:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"breasts breasts!\NAha ha ha!"
Dialogue: 0,1:22:09.86,1:22:11.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Vagina.\N"vagina vagina!"
Dialogue: 0,1:22:11.86,1:22:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the time you get\Nto be 58,
Dialogue: 0,1:22:14.76,1:22:17.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it gets a little\Nmore difficult.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:17.26,1:22:19.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"okay, here's what\Nyou gotta do:
Dialogue: 0,1:22:20.03,1:22:22.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You put a sparkler\Nin your ass.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:22.70,1:22:25.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll set my pubic hair\Non fire.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:25.87,1:22:28.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You put on a German\Narmy helmet.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:28.91,1:22:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You jump off the couch\Nyelling, 'fire in the hole!'
Dialogue: 0,1:22:31.88,1:22:34.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That might work.\NI don't know."
Dialogue: 0,1:22:36.75,1:22:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then...
Dialogue: 0,1:22:39.28,1:22:42.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If that doesn't work,\Nthere's always pornography.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:42.19,1:22:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the definition of\Npornography is quite simple:
Dialogue: 0,1:22:44.35,1:22:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Erotic is using a feather;\Npornography is using\Nthe entire chicken,
Dialogue: 0,1:22:47.69,1:22:49.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is weird.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:49.56,1:22:51.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've been watching\Na little bit of porn since\NI've been on the road.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:51.93,1:22:53.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"a little?"\Nshut up. That's fine.
Dialogue: 0,1:22:53.76,1:22:56.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with porn movies, they\Ndon't have coming attractions
Dialogue: 0,1:22:56.23,1:22:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause if it was, you'd be like,\N"oh, done. Thank you. Fine."
Dialogue: 0,1:22:58.74,1:23:01.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With porn movies,\Nwhen you're watching them,
Dialogue: 0,1:23:01.14,1:23:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's basically, they're\Nan hour and a half long.
Dialogue: 0,1:23:03.47,1:23:06.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who watches an entire\Nfucking porn movie?
Dialogue: 0,1:23:06.38,1:23:09.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One guy up there going,\N"I do."
Dialogue: 0,1:23:09.58,1:23:12.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But an entire porn-- an hour\Nand a half long?
Dialogue: 0,1:23:12.21,1:23:15.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even with fast forwarding--\Nfast forwarding you're like,\N"ahhhhh!
Dialogue: 0,1:23:15.52,1:23:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!"
Dialogue: 0,1:23:18.85,1:23:21.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,1:23:21.72,1:23:23.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No!
Dialogue: 0,1:23:23.19,1:23:24.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the one thing you don't\Nwant with porn
Dialogue: 0,1:23:24.86,1:23:27.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is basically slow motion,\N'cause it's like, "haaa."
Dialogue: 0,1:23:28.43,1:23:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Prrrggh! "ahhh!"
Dialogue: 0,1:23:31.23,1:23:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( slow groaning )
Dialogue: 0,1:23:39.48,1:23:42.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the acting--\Nthe acting in porn movies
Dialogue: 0,1:23:42.58,1:23:44.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is always so bad.\NThere's always that\None girl who's like...
Dialogue: 0,1:23:44.88,1:23:46.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( giggling )
Dialogue: 0,1:23:47.75,1:23:49.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not Miss America.\NStay with the dick!
Dialogue: 0,1:23:49.88,1:23:52.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you doing?
Dialogue: 0,1:23:52.42,1:23:54.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do they always have to\Nhave such bad actors?
Dialogue: 0,1:23:54.92,1:23:58.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're always like,\N"I'm going to fuck you...
Dialogue: 0,1:23:58.16,1:23:59.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so hard."
Dialogue: 0,1:23:59.93,1:24:03.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even my right hand is going,\N"I don't believe him."
Dialogue: 0,1:24:03.70,1:24:06.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's scripts.\NThere's scripts for porn movies.
Dialogue: 0,1:24:06.10,1:24:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Somebody's writing this stuff\Ngoing, "'I'm going\Nto fuck you...
Dialogue: 0,1:24:09.00,1:24:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So hard...
Dialogue: 0,1:24:15.24,1:24:18.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You little whore.'\Nokay, that's it for today."
Dialogue: 0,1:24:18.51,1:24:21.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then they're on a\Nporn movie set going, "'I'm\Ngoing to fuck you...'
Dialogue: 0,1:24:21.15,1:24:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Line?"
Dialogue: 0,1:24:23.42,1:24:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"fuck you hard,\Nyou little whore."
Dialogue: 0,1:24:25.05,1:24:27.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"thank you!\NI just need a moment."
Dialogue: 0,1:24:27.22,1:24:29.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's fucking weird too.\NAnd there's been porn\Nfor centuries.
Dialogue: 0,1:24:29.89,1:24:32.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was there radio porn?\NWas there George Burns going,
Dialogue: 0,1:24:32.76,1:24:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, tea-bag me, Gracie."\NI don't know.
Dialogue: 0,1:24:35.30,1:24:38.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did John Wayne have a "Brokeback\NMountain" moment of going,
Dialogue: 0,1:24:38.30,1:24:41.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, stuffy, we're going up\Nthe old jizzom trail right now.
Dialogue: 0,1:24:41.67,1:24:43.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God damn it,\Nhere we go."
Dialogue: 0,1:24:43.80,1:24:47.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Walter Brennan going,\N"oh, duke, you're tearing\Nmy ass apart! Gad ya!
Dialogue: 0,1:24:47.54,1:24:50.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't quit ya!\NI can't God damn quit ya!"
Dialogue: 0,1:24:50.28,1:24:52.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was Gregory Peck going,
Dialogue: 0,1:24:52.11,1:24:54.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm going to glaze you\Nlike a danish."
Dialogue: 0,1:24:57.19,1:24:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did Jimmy Stewart\Nbasically go,
Dialogue: 0,1:24:59.02,1:25:02.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"well, just play with my balls.\NJust a little bit. Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:02.33,1:25:04.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just dangle\Nthe twins around.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:04.66,1:25:08.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And put a finger in my heinie\Nif you're a friend. Yeah!
Dialogue: 0,1:25:08.13,1:25:11.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two if you're a pal.\NYeah."
Dialogue: 0,1:25:11.97,1:25:15.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's one guy who\Ncould do porn and I think\Nwe all would watch.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:15.58,1:25:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That guy is\NChris Walken.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:17.41,1:25:19.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh God, yes.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:19.05,1:25:21.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh my God,\Nhe would be amazing.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:21.08,1:25:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Chris would be up there going,
Dialogue: 0,1:25:22.62,1:25:25.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm... inside you.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:27.59,1:25:31.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So deep inside you now,\Nfucking you now,
Dialogue: 0,1:25:31.46,1:25:34.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,inside you,\Ndeep inside you now, yes, now.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:34.96,1:25:38.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I came...\Nan hour ago."
Dialogue: 0,1:25:40.50,1:25:43.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not bad enough\Nthey make porn movies.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:43.31,1:25:45.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They make porn movies\Nof my movies.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:45.48,1:25:48.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They made "Goodwill Humping."\Nit's okay.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:48.88,1:25:51.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wet Dreams May Come."\Nall right.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:51.88,1:25:54.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Snatch Adams."\Nthat was scary.
Dialogue: 0,1:25:54.35,1:25:57.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A clown with a strap-on.\NFuck off!
Dialogue: 0,1:25:57.65,1:26:00.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, "Popeye"\NI would watch.
Dialogue: 0,1:26:00.59,1:26:03.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Popeye would be like,\N"oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl,
Dialogue: 0,1:26:03.06,1:26:04.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on now, yeah!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:04.62,1:26:06.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Blow me now. Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,1:26:06.76,1:26:09.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah.\NYou got no tits and a tight box.
Dialogue: 0,1:26:11.36,1:26:15.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack!\NYeah!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:15.46,1:26:18.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ahhh! Ahhh!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:18.60,1:26:20.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh!\NI creamed me spinach!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:20.76,1:26:22.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah."
Dialogue: 0,1:26:22.46,1:26:24.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good night!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:24.43,1:26:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}( cheering ){\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:26:28.33,1:26:31.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoo! Oh my God.
Dialogue: 0,1:26:53.15,1:26:56.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoo!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:56.82,1:26:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoa!
Dialogue: 0,1:26:58.66,1:27:00.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sit down quick!
Dialogue: 0,1:27:00.49,1:27:02.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,1:27:02.59,1:27:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn. Shoo!
Dialogue: 0,1:27:04.66,1:27:06.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}- Thank you. Wow.\N- Oooh!{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:27:06.46,1:27:08.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is-- "oooh!"\Nwow!
Dialogue: 0,1:27:08.30,1:27:11.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}- ( cheering )\N- oh!{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:27:13.37,1:27:15.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, baby!
Dialogue: 0,1:27:15.14,1:27:17.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is weird. Right now\NI feel like,
Dialogue: 0,1:27:17.17,1:27:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what are you gonna do now,\Nsmart ass?
Dialogue: 0,1:27:19.44,1:27:24.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You just did, 'ack ack!'\Nno, follow that.\NGood luck, boy."
Dialogue: 0,1:27:24.08,1:27:26.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's weird. Some people\Nsay I look like Bono,
Dialogue: 0,1:27:26.38,1:27:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going,\N"what the fuck are you on?"
Dialogue: 0,1:27:28.55,1:27:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it said that Bono was\Nonstage recently in Scotland
Dialogue: 0,1:27:31.42,1:27:33.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it got very quiet\Nlike right now.
Dialogue: 0,1:27:33.49,1:27:35.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he started\Nclapping his hands.
Dialogue: 0,1:27:35.49,1:27:37.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said, "every time\NI clap my hands,
Dialogue: 0,1:27:37.62,1:27:39.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a child in Africa dies.
Dialogue: 0,1:27:39.56,1:27:41.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And from the back of\Nthe Scottish audience,\Nsomebody went,
Dialogue: 0,1:27:41.46,1:27:44.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"then stop fucking\Nclapping your hands!"
Dialogue: 0,1:27:49.74,1:27:51.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's weird though.
Dialogue: 0,1:27:51.80,1:27:54.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to do something\Nkind of special right now
Dialogue: 0,1:27:54.11,1:27:55.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and dedicate it to\Na friend of mine.
Dialogue: 0,1:27:55.91,1:27:58.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a man I knew--\Na very interesting guy--
Dialogue: 0,1:27:58.58,1:28:00.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Walter Cronkite.\NIncredible man.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:00.41,1:28:02.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we worked together on\Na Disney project years ago.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:02.95,1:28:05.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}( applause ){\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:28:05.48,1:28:08.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he was a very\Neloquent
Dialogue: 0,1:28:08.95,1:28:11.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and elegant man, but\NWalter had another side.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:11.46,1:28:13.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, he liked\Nhis jokes
Dialogue: 0,1:28:13.32,1:28:15.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like he liked his ocean,\Na little blue.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:15.19,1:28:17.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I would like to do\Na joke right now
Dialogue: 0,1:28:17.13,1:28:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for Walter as Walter\Nin his memory.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:19.53,1:28:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,( as Cronkite )\Na man and his wife
Dialogue: 0,1:28:22.90,1:28:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are having sex.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:25.64,1:28:28.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're going at it\Nhot and heavy.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:28.87,1:28:32.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Suddenly they\Nhear a noise.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:32.68,1:28:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's their little\Nson Timmy
Dialogue: 0,1:28:34.81,1:28:37.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,standing in\Nthe doorway.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:37.22,1:28:41.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Timmy is shocked and\Nruns out of the room.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:41.22,1:28:42.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The father goes,
Dialogue: 0,1:28:42.95,1:28:46.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'll go talk\Nto Timmy."
Dialogue: 0,1:28:46.29,1:28:49.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes to Timmy's room.\NHe opens the door.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:49.99,1:28:53.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And little Timmy is\Ngiving it hot and heavy
Dialogue: 0,1:28:53.16,1:28:55.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to grandma.
Dialogue: 0,1:28:55.26,1:28:56.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The father goes,
Dialogue: 0,1:28:57.03,1:28:58.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh my God."
Dialogue: 0,1:28:58.83,1:29:00.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And little Timmy says,
Dialogue: 0,1:29:00.47,1:29:04.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"not so funny when\Nit's your mother, is it?"
Dialogue: 0,1:29:05.00,1:29:06.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good night!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:06.67,1:29:08.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, D.C.!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:08.88,1:29:11.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God bless you!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:11.08,1:29:12.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}Buenas noches!{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,1:29:12.48,1:29:13.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The peeps in the top!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:13.68,1:29:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you!\NMay we have health care!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:16.35,1:29:18.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God bless you!\NHave a good night!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:20.35,1:29:21.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoo!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:23.95,1:29:25.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh!
Dialogue: 0,1:29:26.52,1:29:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,-- Sync, corrected by elderman --\N-- for addic7ed.Com --