1
00:00:01,883 --> 00:00:04,883
Robin Williams
Weapons of Self Destruction
Original Air Date on Decemer 6, 2009

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<i>( audience cheering,
applauding )</i>

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<i>( rock music playing )</i>

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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for addic7ed.Com --

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<i>Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

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<i>Please welcome
Robin Williams!</i>

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( cheering )

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No!

9
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Please.

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Sit down!

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Thank you!

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Thank you!

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What's up, D.C.?

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Yes, indeed!
Yes, indeed!

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<i>( cheering, hooting )</i>

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Wow, thank you.

17
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Mmm.

18
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Thank you. Please,
I've had heart surgery.

19
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Thank you.

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It's nice to be in Washington,
where the buck stops here.

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Way to go.

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And then it's
handed out to A.I.G.

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and many other people.
Now...

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I have the new
Timothy Geithner $20-bill.

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It's just been printed,
kind of neat.

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Instead of
"in god we trust,"

27
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It just says
"trust me."

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And it says
"spend before Tuesday."

29
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And also
instead of Andrew Jackson,

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it has the little man
from monopoly going--

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and I know many of you
have been looking

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for Sarah Palin's book.
It is a bitch to find.

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Good luck.

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I found it somewhere between
fiction and non-fiction

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in the fantasy aisle.

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It was kind of fun.

37
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Wonderful.

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Do you get-- do you get
the feeling with Sarah Palin,

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In high school
she was voted least
likely to write a book

40
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and most likely to burn one?

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Do you think
that might've been--

42
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she's pretty wild.
Baby, I love her.

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And also, Oprah--
Oprah has retired--

44
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Is gonna retire her show.
Please say it isn't so!

45
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Oprah's gonna
retire her show.

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I hope she's not bummed out
about losing the Olympics.

47
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I hope that's not it.

48
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It wasn't really fair.

49
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Chicago sent
Oprah and Michelle,

50
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Brazil sent 50 strippers
and a pound of blow.

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It's like, what?

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Do you think the Olympic
committee was going

53
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"Oprah? Shaved pussy?

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Oprah, would you--
okay, we're gonna
have to go this way."

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And who the fuck thinks

56
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that Rio is safer
than Chicago?!

57
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My God.
They're gonna have to make

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kidnapping and waxing
Olympic events.

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Degree of difficulty: 5.3.
( mimics ripping noises )

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But it is interesting.
They have the Winter Olympics
in Vancouver

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and the torch is heading
across Canada right now

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and already in B.C.
they're lighting torches going--

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( choked )
"we're waiting."

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Come on, you folks who
just came from Capitol Hill.

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Come on down.
Where do you go?

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How are you, my friends?
Grab some seats.

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- You were caught in--
- ( audience shouting )

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What?

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<i>- ( woman shouts )
- that's your old boss?</i>

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Did you fuck him?

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Sorry. Okay.

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Not an inappropriate
question to ask in Washington.

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No. And he's
going, "no! No!

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She was just a page,
it's okay!"

75
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And it was weird.
In California this summer

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all the State Parks
caught on fire

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which was sad

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because these parks
are full of weed.

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It's bad news.

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It's like-- even the guys
fighting the fires

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are like...
( laughing )

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"fuck! Oh my God!

83
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Make another
rainbow, Tommy!

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Oh my God!"

85
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It's weird.

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Even Smokey the Bear
was going,

87
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"only you can--

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Shit, I knew this.

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Fuck."

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And California weed
is kick-ass fucking weed.

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This is weed
that even Jamaicans go,

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"oh, don't smoke
that weed, man."

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It's California catatonic.

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It's the type
of weed you hit it
and it's like...

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Fuck! Shit!

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I'm not doing something.

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What is it?

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Oh right, breathe!

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( exhales )

100
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And you get so stoned,
you end up sitting on your couch

101
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for a week to the point
where your cat's going,

102
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"get up, you asshole!

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I've been eating my own shit
for the last two days!

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I know I'm mellow,
but this is fucking ridiculous!"

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And if they legalize it,
they're going to have
to regulate it

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and they're going
to have to a warning
on a box of joints.

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It's going to have to say,
"Surgeon General has determined

108
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<i>this will make
your music awesome.</i>

109
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Even Yanni.

110
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And if you thought you
enjoyed cartoons before..."

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and if they're
gonna have ads--

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they're gonna have ads
and it'll be like

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instead of the Marlboro man,
it'll be the Mendocino man.

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It'll be a cowboy
on the back of a horse going,

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"shit, am I thirsty.
God damn."

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Even the horse will be going,
"I don't know where
the fuck I am.

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God damn, I got a little
cotton mouth here.

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God damn it."

119
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And the weird fucking thing
with these weather systems--

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the storms right now
have been fucking insane.

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Kick-ass tornados
in the midwest.

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It used to be in the midwest
when you had a tornado,

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it was like everybody
get in the root cellar.

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Not anymore. You fuckers
are like "get a video camera!

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Get outside!
Film it, Bobby!"

126
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How's the tornado?
"it just blew my pants off.

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Keep shooting.
Fuckin'-a!"

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You know the difference
between a tornado

129
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and divorce in the South?
Nothing.

130
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Someone's losing
their trailer, number one.

131
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It's like, mmm!

132
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God damn!

133
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The hurricanes have been getting
bigger and fucking bigger.

134
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And they usually
give them names that
don't really inspire fear.

135
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Like hurricane Terrence
does not inspire fear.

136
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This sounds like
a slightly gay hurricane.

137
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Where are you going?

138
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"I might go to Boca.
I might go to South Beach.
I don't know.

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All I know is
blowing is involved.

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<i>Yes!"</i>

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And they should name
the hurricanes

142
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After the people
it's gonna be fucking with.

143
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If it's going to Texas--
hurricane Billy Ray.

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Come on now.
What are you gonna do?

145
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"fuck shit up!
That's what goes on."

146
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If it's off the coast
of Miami-- hurricane Bernie.

147
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"hello!

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He took our 401k.
The goniff's coming back
for the house.

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Move out!
Let's fucking go!"

150
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And when they
named a hurricane

151
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Hurricane Ike,
I went, finally,

152
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they have the balls
to name a hurricane

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after a crack-smoking,
wife-beating motherfucker.

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Yeah!

155
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Even Tina Turner would go,
"you'd better get your shit

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and get out of the house.

157
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'cause Ike never
does anything nice
and easy. Never."

158
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And the hurricanes
have been getting so big

159
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that even the guy
on the weather channel

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is freaked out.
He's going, "okay,

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let's go to our new
hurricane weather map--

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<i>Fuck!</i>

163
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<i>This is hurricane Shavon.</i>

164
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The map is
the entire South

165
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<i>The asshole in the middle
is Dallas.</i>

166
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Um, crazy.

167
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Back to you, Ted.
I just shit myself."

168
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And they always
go down to some poor fuckers

169
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on the coast
in the middle of the storm

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hoing, "carl, how's it down
there on the coast?"
"not bad!

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Seems to be kicking up!"

172
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And then there's always
the aftermath

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where they interview
some family

174
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standing in the wreckage
of their beach house

175
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and they're always going like,
"hurricane came

176
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and tore everything up.

177
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And we had just rebuilt."

178
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Time out.

179
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How often do you rebuild?

180
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"every year."

181
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Why do you rebuild here?

182
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"we love the view."

183
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Well, you may want to get
some styrofoam furniture

184
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that goes up
and fucking down.

185
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Some things that you
can hose off maybe.

186
00:08:22,922 --> 00:08:26,757
But the weird thing is,
I can't give them shit.

187
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I like in California.
I live on God's etch-a-sketch.

188
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It's crazy.

189
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We have earthquakes
every other day.

190
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And you get kind of blasé.
Like, "oh, fuck.

191
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2.5, not bad.

192
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Oh, shit!

193
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5.8. Maybe we should
have drinks outsides.

194
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Let's go."

195
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And they always talk
about the big one.

196
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I was in a 7.5 earthquake.
That was a "fuck me" moment.

197
00:08:53,279 --> 00:08:54,746
That was a--
( screams )

198
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And they went,
"that was not the big one."

199
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Really? Well, what will
the big one be?

200
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"well, in the big one,
if there is the big earthquake,

201
00:09:00,918 --> 00:09:03,586
Nevada will be wine country,
number one."

202
00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:06,555
And when will
the big one be?

203
00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:08,089
"well, we have a window
of opportunity."

204
00:09:08,124 --> 00:09:10,891
Well, what will that be?
"could be tomorrow...

205
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:12,760
or 10,000 years from now."

206
00:09:13,962 --> 00:09:16,663
Well, thanks
for the fucking heads-up

207
00:09:16,697 --> 00:09:18,364
The only warning you have
is if your cat

208
00:09:18,399 --> 00:09:21,067
Is spread-eagle
in the doorway like--
( howls )

209
00:09:21,101 --> 00:09:23,902
Get the fuck out.

210
00:09:23,936 --> 00:09:25,570
And if your parrot
starts going,

211
00:09:25,604 --> 00:09:28,539
"pack the car!
Pack the car!

212
00:09:28,573 --> 00:09:30,441
Food and water!
Food and water!"

213
00:09:30,475 --> 00:09:32,876
Also, if you
have a parrot,

214
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:34,711
do not leave them
in the bedroom.

215
00:09:34,746 --> 00:09:37,880
They hear everything.
All of the sudden you'll
have guests over for dinner

216
00:09:37,915 --> 00:09:41,117
and the parrot will go
"not the ass." whoa-ho-ho!

217
00:09:41,151 --> 00:09:44,452
Petey!

218
00:09:44,487 --> 00:09:46,755
( chuckles )
he's been watching porn again.

219
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:49,657
"fuck me, Teddy!
Fuck me hard!"

220
00:09:51,093 --> 00:09:53,427
Honey, who's Teddy?

221
00:09:54,663 --> 00:09:56,897
Hmm.

222
00:09:56,931 --> 00:10:00,567
And the weird thing is

223
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,869
you try and do
your part to reduce
your carbon footprint.

224
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,171
And if you have a hybrid,
God bless you, sweet cars.

225
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:09,441
But especially if you drive
them outside a major city,
you get into little cities

226
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:11,676
especially in the South,
it becomes kind of interesting.

227
00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:13,478
you pull into a small
gas station, it's like,

228
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,413
"what the fuck is this?

229
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,648
Bobby, get over here.
It's one of them new inbreds!

230
00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:20,751
Look at this
motherfucker.

231
00:10:20,785 --> 00:10:23,052
Shit, looks like Volkswagen
fucked a golf cart.

232
00:10:23,087 --> 00:10:25,120
God damn.

233
00:10:26,188 --> 00:10:28,456
I did not
hear you come in.

234
00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:30,958
You may want
to put some cards

235
00:10:30,992 --> 00:10:32,660
in the spokes
of your wheels

236
00:10:32,694 --> 00:10:35,395
so you make
some fucking noise."

237
00:10:35,430 --> 00:10:37,731
That's why there's not gonna
be any NASCAR hybrid race.

238
00:10:37,765 --> 00:10:39,933
A NASCAR hybrid
race would be like,
"here they come."

239
00:10:39,967 --> 00:10:42,835
( blowing softly )

240
00:10:42,869 --> 00:10:44,936
And I love
the guys who say,

241
00:10:44,971 --> 00:10:46,471
"I watch NASCAR
for the racing."

242
00:10:46,505 --> 00:10:48,072
Yeah, I watch porn
for the acting.

243
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:50,440
You liar!

244
00:10:50,475 --> 00:10:52,475
You watch NASCAR
to see team viagra

245
00:10:52,510 --> 00:10:54,244
spin out in flames
and the guy get out

246
00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:56,845
with his pubes on fire
going, "I'm okay!"

247
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,380
And there was a guy
in the South who said,

248
00:10:58,415 --> 00:11:00,148
"they should have
NASCAR in the Olympics."

249
00:11:00,183 --> 00:11:02,517
And it was like, mm-hmm.
At that moment ever Darwin

250
00:11:02,551 --> 00:11:04,952
was going,
"come with me."

251
00:11:06,555 --> 00:11:08,088
This is the ascent of man.

252
00:11:08,122 --> 00:11:09,823
You stand here.

253
00:11:11,592 --> 00:11:13,592
But it's weird too.
If you recycle, God bless you.

254
00:11:13,627 --> 00:11:15,660
You recycle, good for you,
congratulations.

255
00:11:15,695 --> 00:11:17,462
But if you recycle,
there is one group

256
00:11:17,496 --> 00:11:20,232
who is really pissed off.
That group are the raccoons.

257
00:11:20,266 --> 00:11:22,933
They are going through
your recycling like,

258
00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:25,202
( irish accent )
"what the fuck is this shit?

259
00:11:26,571 --> 00:11:28,471
Where are the hefty bags?
The piñata of life

260
00:11:28,505 --> 00:11:31,407
that used to feed an entire
fucking family?

261
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,909
This is glass and plastic.
I can't digest this shit,

262
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,378
you green asshole!

263
00:11:36,413 --> 00:11:39,281
I'm spreading this shit
all over your lawn!

264
00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:41,616
I'm taking a dump
in your pool too."

265
00:11:42,884 --> 00:11:44,718
I don't know why I made
the raccoons Irish,

266
00:11:44,752 --> 00:11:46,620
but it works.
Now...

267
00:11:53,259 --> 00:11:54,993
and they're ballsy
little motherfuckers too.

268
00:11:55,027 --> 00:11:56,661
You turn on the light,
they look at you like,

269
00:11:56,695 --> 00:11:58,762
"what the fuck
you gonna do?

270
00:11:58,797 --> 00:12:01,464
I got a skunk as backup.
Don't make me call him."

271
00:12:01,499 --> 00:12:03,800
And they've got those
little jazz paws.

272
00:12:03,834 --> 00:12:05,368
"jazz paws!"

273
00:12:05,402 --> 00:12:07,069
They can open
doors, cabinets.

274
00:12:07,104 --> 00:12:09,238
I'm amazed you don't
come home and find them
on the computer

275
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:11,773
going, "I'm ordering shit.
How you doing?

276
00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:13,573
The dog knows I'm here.
I locked him

277
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,841
in the fucking closet.
He's an idiot. Too late."

278
00:12:17,276 --> 00:12:19,644
And the deer in California
have total amnesty

279
00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:21,246
'cause they know no one's
gonna cap their ass

280
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,082
and strap them to the front
of a Ranger Rover

281
00:12:23,116 --> 00:12:24,549
and go downtown
for a mocha.

282
00:12:24,583 --> 00:12:26,784
They walk through your yard
like supermodels with hooves.

283
00:12:26,819 --> 00:12:28,820
Like, "hi.

284
00:12:33,124 --> 00:12:34,825
Are these your roses?

285
00:12:37,795 --> 00:12:39,329
Oh my God,
a deer fence."

286
00:12:39,363 --> 00:12:41,831
( makes whooshing noise )

287
00:12:48,837 --> 00:12:50,538
And I love
the five point buck

288
00:12:50,572 --> 00:12:54,274
that jump out
in front of your car like,
"I hope you're insured.

289
00:12:54,309 --> 00:12:56,009
'cause I'm taking you out.
This is revenge

290
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,710
for my brother who's hanging
in a bar in Tennessee.

291
00:12:57,745 --> 00:12:59,479
Fuck you."

292
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,816
And we have coyotes,
which are like dogs on crack.

293
00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,084
They come into your yard
looking like, "hey! I'm a dog.

294
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:09,488
Ooh! Ooh,
I'm a fucking dog.
Hey! Psst, listen.

295
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,157
Do you have any small
animals you don't need?"

296
00:13:13,625 --> 00:13:15,726
And I'm sure your cat
is sitting in the back going,

297
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,628
"I will shit in the box!

298
00:13:19,163 --> 00:13:21,531
Don't send me out there.
Those things eat pussy!

299
00:13:21,566 --> 00:13:23,133
Don't send me out there!"

300
00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,135
( hisses )

301
00:13:26,270 --> 00:13:28,638
And if you have
a cat a a dog...

302
00:13:30,039 --> 00:13:32,073
and they live together,
do you think your cat

303
00:13:32,107 --> 00:13:34,041
mind-fucks your dog?

304
00:13:34,075 --> 00:13:36,377
I don't think it's fair.
I think the moment
you go to sleep

305
00:13:36,411 --> 00:13:37,844
the cat's like,

306
00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:39,412
"Scooby!"
( hisses )

307
00:13:40,514 --> 00:13:42,281
"yeah yeah?"

308
00:13:42,316 --> 00:13:44,383
"hey, Scooby,
are you man's best friend?"

309
00:13:44,418 --> 00:13:46,218
"oh God, yeah.
I love him. I love him!"

310
00:13:46,252 --> 00:13:49,855
"really? Then where
are your balls?"

311
00:13:52,224 --> 00:13:54,559
"shit, they were
there yesterday.

312
00:13:54,593 --> 00:13:56,895
I wondered why my ass
tasted differently."

313
00:13:58,197 --> 00:13:59,764
"I'm just saying
that's weird.

314
00:13:59,799 --> 00:14:01,833
You know, I'm just saying--"
( hacking )

315
00:14:04,369 --> 00:14:06,470
"I'm just saying that's
weird, that's all I'm saying."

316
00:14:08,073 --> 00:14:11,073
And people in California
give their cats prozac.

317
00:14:11,108 --> 00:14:13,742
How much more mellow
can a fucking animal be?

318
00:14:15,810 --> 00:14:18,142
But that's California,
where animals have
better healthcare

319
00:14:18,177 --> 00:14:20,377
than the rest
of the country.
It's fucking insane.

320
00:14:20,412 --> 00:14:22,279
And if the whole
healthcare debate--

321
00:14:22,314 --> 00:14:24,782
If you want to know how your
congressman and senators
are gonna vote,

322
00:14:24,816 --> 00:14:27,618
we should actually--
maybe they should be
like NASCAR drivers.

323
00:14:27,652 --> 00:14:29,652
They should actually
have to have jackets

324
00:14:29,687 --> 00:14:32,054
with the names
of all the people
who are sponsoring them.

325
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,789
Wouldn't that be cool?

326
00:14:33,823 --> 00:14:36,391
Fuckin'-a!
Yeah, baby.

327
00:14:42,163 --> 00:14:44,198
Then you might have a clue

328
00:14:44,232 --> 00:14:46,066
to why the fuck
they voted that way.

329
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,802
"big drug company."
got it! Thank you.

330
00:14:48,836 --> 00:14:50,436
And I have an alternative
healthcare plan.

331
00:14:50,471 --> 00:14:52,805
It's called cash-for-clunkers-
for-older-relatives.

332
00:14:52,839 --> 00:14:54,606
It's kind of fun.

333
00:14:54,641 --> 00:14:58,342
You sell grandma
for parts.

334
00:14:58,376 --> 00:15:00,009
Grandma, you've
got two kidneys.

335
00:15:00,044 --> 00:15:03,045
We need a porch.
Let's do this.

336
00:15:03,079 --> 00:15:05,147
And do not
sell grandma's kidneys

337
00:15:05,181 --> 00:15:07,249
to that Hasidic Rabbi
in New Jersey.

338
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:10,084
Fuck. Who buys organs
from a Hasidic Rabbi

339
00:15:10,119 --> 00:15:12,852
Going, "I'm crazy Itzhak.
Come on down.

340
00:15:12,887 --> 00:15:14,587
I'm verklempt
with values.

341
00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:16,322
Come on down!
I've got kidneys.

342
00:15:16,356 --> 00:15:18,857
I've got livers.
How's the liver? Fresh!

343
00:15:18,858 --> 00:15:20,559
Come on down!

344
00:15:20,593 --> 00:15:22,661
and if you order now,
you'll get this lovely wallet

345
00:15:22,695 --> 00:15:24,362
made from a Hasidic foreskin.
You rub it,

346
00:15:24,396 --> 00:15:27,297
It becomes a suitcase.
Come on down!

347
00:15:27,331 --> 00:15:30,400
Come on down!
I'm open 24/6 for you!

348
00:15:30,434 --> 00:15:32,635
<i>Come on!"</i>

349
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:35,404
And if you have an older
relative living with you

350
00:15:35,438 --> 00:15:36,938
That has dementia

351
00:15:36,972 --> 00:15:38,606
And the temarketers
are calling,

352
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,675
put her on the phone
with the telemarketers.

353
00:15:42,044 --> 00:15:44,045
It works.

354
00:15:44,079 --> 00:15:46,247
After two hours
she thinks she's talking

355
00:15:46,281 --> 00:15:47,814
to your long-lost
cousin Carl

356
00:15:47,848 --> 00:15:51,484
and the fucking
telemarketers will
never call back again.

357
00:15:51,519 --> 00:15:53,686
And it's weird too,
'cause I had open heart surgery

358
00:15:53,721 --> 00:15:56,621
Which lets you know exactly
what the fuck it is--
open heart.

359
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,622
An angiogram does
not let you know

360
00:15:58,656 --> 00:16:00,590
What they're going to do.
An angiogram is where they

361
00:16:00,624 --> 00:16:02,358
go through your groin
to your heart.

362
00:16:02,392 --> 00:16:04,960
And how knew that
the way to man's heart
was through his groin?

363
00:16:04,994 --> 00:16:06,628
And the women--
many women are going,

364
00:16:06,662 --> 00:16:09,430
"we've known that forever.

365
00:16:09,464 --> 00:16:11,066
Yes.

366
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,568
Simple. You grab
a man's balls,

367
00:16:13,603 --> 00:16:15,837
his heart will follow."

368
00:16:17,005 --> 00:16:18,639
And I found out
I had a bad heart

369
00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:21,008
because they did
an echocardiogram
and my heartbeat was like--

370
00:16:21,042 --> 00:16:23,744
( mimics irregular beating )

371
00:16:23,778 --> 00:16:27,146
My cardiologist went,
"that's not good."

372
00:16:27,181 --> 00:16:28,914
My latin friend said,
"no, you could dance to that.

373
00:16:28,949 --> 00:16:30,449
That's kinda cool."

374
00:16:30,483 --> 00:16:32,751
And then they did
the angiogram and I heard my--

375
00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:34,919
( blowing raspberries )

376
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,687
I had a blown valve
which makes me sound

377
00:16:36,722 --> 00:16:38,956
like a Chevrolet.
Like what the fuck?

378
00:16:38,990 --> 00:16:40,891
And they started
offering me choices

379
00:16:40,925 --> 00:16:42,458
about what type of valves
I could get.

380
00:16:42,493 --> 00:16:43,959
And here were
some of my choices:

381
00:16:43,994 --> 00:16:45,594
Number one--
a porcine valve

382
00:16:45,628 --> 00:16:47,429
Which is a pig valve,
which is kind of cool

383
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:50,732
because you're
already inoculated
for swine flue, number one.

384
00:16:50,766 --> 00:16:52,933
And one of the side effects
is you can find truffles,

385
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,435
which is kind of cool.

386
00:16:55,470 --> 00:16:57,537
I was hoping to get
an equine valve

387
00:16:59,473 --> 00:17:02,240
'cause then you
can hang out of your
shorts like, "oh my God..

388
00:17:03,442 --> 00:17:05,209
Baby, I'm sorry.
I just got excited."

389
00:17:05,243 --> 00:17:06,676
You know?

390
00:17:06,711 --> 00:17:08,377
To get out of the house,
you have to have a midget

391
00:17:08,413 --> 00:17:11,012
jump on your back going,
"we're going outside right now.

392
00:17:12,315 --> 00:17:15,951
How many months since
the surgery?" five.

393
00:17:15,984 --> 00:17:18,920
And they offered me
a mechanical valve

394
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,521
which is kind of cool.
I thought,

395
00:17:20,556 --> 00:17:22,990
maybe I can get
the new Apple iheart.
That would be great.

396
00:17:24,425 --> 00:17:26,492
It comes with 20,000 emotions
and that would be--

397
00:17:26,527 --> 00:17:28,261
and I thought,
wait a minute.

398
00:17:28,295 --> 00:17:29,796
if I could get an iheart,

399
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:31,897
ladies, how about this?
Instead of breast implants--

400
00:17:31,932 --> 00:17:34,767
Speakers.
Wouldn't that be cool?

401
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,435
We'll call 'em blue tits,
they'll be compatible
with the heart.

402
00:17:38,571 --> 00:17:40,171
And if you can't
afford speakers,

403
00:17:40,205 --> 00:17:42,039
just put in a squeak toy.
We're that simple.

404
00:17:42,073 --> 00:17:43,740
That'd be great.

405
00:17:43,775 --> 00:17:45,375
A lot of you men
would be going--
( squeaks )

406
00:17:45,409 --> 00:17:47,276
"oh yeah, baby."

407
00:17:47,311 --> 00:17:48,977
( squeaking )

408
00:17:49,012 --> 00:17:51,780
( laughing )

409
00:17:51,814 --> 00:17:54,015
And I'll put
a whistle in my dick
so when you blow me--

410
00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:55,883
Whoo!

411
00:17:57,285 --> 00:18:00,287
Kind of fun, but...

412
00:18:00,321 --> 00:18:02,922
I ended up getting a bovine
valve which is a cow valve.

413
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,157
Which is kind of cool,
'cause you can shit standing up.

414
00:18:05,192 --> 00:18:06,725
That's great.

415
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,128
Great to be here.
Nice to be here.

416
00:18:09,162 --> 00:18:12,132
But after the surgery,
you get very emotional.

417
00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:14,169
It's like-- it's like weird.
People go, "how are you?"

418
00:18:14,203 --> 00:18:16,505
( crying )
God, thanks for asking.

419
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:19,207
And I got so emotional,
I thought instead of a valve

420
00:18:19,241 --> 00:18:21,575
They gave me a tiny vagina.
Which is like-- what?

421
00:18:22,877 --> 00:18:25,043
"how are you?"
much better now, thank you.

422
00:18:26,078 --> 00:18:28,511
Mmm. Oh God.

423
00:18:28,546 --> 00:18:30,813
Don't use the paddles,
just rub me here.

424
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:33,282
There we go.

425
00:18:33,316 --> 00:18:34,850
And if this is
the symbol for men,

426
00:18:34,884 --> 00:18:36,951
Is this the symbol
for women?

427
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:38,551
Don't jerk me off.
I won't. God bless.

428
00:18:38,586 --> 00:18:40,686
Thank you.

429
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,789
And the surgery--
the surgery went amazing.

430
00:18:43,824 --> 00:18:46,758
I had a doctor who had
done 4,000 surgeries.

431
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,860
All of them fucking amazing.
That was great.

432
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:50,728
You don't want a doctor
who's done six surgeries,

433
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,097
three of them haven't
gone that well.

434
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:55,933
You don't want a guy going,
"let's see what happens."

435
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,603
And the surgery
was pretty amazing.

436
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,504
It went fantastic.
First thing to come back online,

437
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,073
Your heart--
( beeps )

438
00:19:02,107 --> 00:19:04,474
Great. And then your brain.
Last thing, asshole.

439
00:19:04,509 --> 00:19:06,109
( grunts )

440
00:19:06,143 --> 00:19:07,677
The drugs make you
so constipated,

441
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:09,545
I thought they were gonna
have to bring in a priest

442
00:19:09,579 --> 00:19:11,448
to do a rectal exorcism.

443
00:19:11,482 --> 00:19:14,351
Demon turd,
fall from his ass!

444
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,954
The power of fiber
compels you!

445
00:19:16,988 --> 00:19:19,957
The power
of fiber compels you!

446
00:19:22,193 --> 00:19:24,094
And after the surgery,
they put you on a little

447
00:19:24,128 --> 00:19:25,728
self-medicator,
which is fucking great.

448
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,997
You're like...
( laughs )

449
00:19:28,031 --> 00:19:29,498
I want to thank
my anesthesiologist,

450
00:19:29,532 --> 00:19:31,799
'cause I don't fucking
remember his name.

451
00:19:31,834 --> 00:19:33,401
And the drug they gave me
for the surgery

452
00:19:33,435 --> 00:19:35,469
was a drug
called propofol

453
00:19:35,504 --> 00:19:37,538
which is nicknamed
milk of amnesia.

454
00:19:37,572 --> 00:19:39,339
Fucking insane drug.

455
00:19:39,374 --> 00:19:41,274
I had that
in a surgical situation.

456
00:19:41,308 --> 00:19:43,609
Michael Jackson was
taking propofol at home

457
00:19:43,644 --> 00:19:45,377
To sleep.
Fuck off.

458
00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:49,147
A doctor said,
"taking propofol to sleep

459
00:19:49,182 --> 00:19:50,649
is like doing
chemotherapy

460
00:19:50,683 --> 00:19:53,851
because you're tired
of shaving your fucking head."

461
00:19:53,886 --> 00:19:56,454
It's like, no.

462
00:19:56,489 --> 00:19:58,322
And do you think
that when you die

463
00:19:58,357 --> 00:20:00,290
and you get
to the other side
in the afterlife

464
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:01,858
They give you things
you had in life?

465
00:20:01,892 --> 00:20:03,759
Like Michael got
to the other side
and it's like, Michael?

466
00:20:03,793 --> 00:20:05,227
( high voice )
"yes?"

467
00:20:05,261 --> 00:20:07,662
We have some
of your things here.

468
00:20:07,696 --> 00:20:09,497
"really?"

469
00:20:09,531 --> 00:20:12,232
One african-american nose.
Is this yours?

470
00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:15,569
"yes."

471
00:20:15,603 --> 00:20:17,637
We have four others here.
Are these yours?

472
00:20:17,671 --> 00:20:20,772
"three of them are mine.
One's Latoya's."

473
00:20:20,806 --> 00:20:23,808
But you can't blame Michael.
We're a heavily medicated
society.

474
00:20:23,843 --> 00:20:26,545
All the drugs we take--
prozac, effexor, valium.

475
00:20:26,579 --> 00:20:28,180
I thought for
the last 10 years

476
00:20:28,214 --> 00:20:30,683
we've been on some
weird fucking drug--
the whole country--

477
00:20:30,717 --> 00:20:33,352
A drug called fuck-it-all.
What a weird fucking drug.

478
00:20:33,386 --> 00:20:35,954
And we're just coming out of it
and we're kind of waking up.

479
00:20:35,988 --> 00:20:39,223
It's like fuckin'-a.

480
00:20:39,258 --> 00:20:42,326
It's weird.
It's like you're going,

481
00:20:42,361 --> 00:20:45,328
The last thing I remember was
the economy was working

482
00:20:45,363 --> 00:20:47,263
And there was
a budget surplus.
Yeah.

483
00:20:47,298 --> 00:20:49,632
Where's Clinton?
"we impeached him."

484
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,534
Fuck!

485
00:20:51,568 --> 00:20:53,135
For what?
"a blowjob."

486
00:20:53,170 --> 00:20:55,904
What?
Who did he blow, Putin?

487
00:20:55,939 --> 00:20:57,572
"no.

488
00:20:57,607 --> 00:20:59,374
No!

489
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,014
He got blown by
a Jewish girl." wow!

490
00:21:05,048 --> 00:21:08,116
He got head
from a Jewish girl?
Fuckin'-a!

491
00:21:10,086 --> 00:21:12,720
And they
impeached him for that?
"he lied about it."

492
00:21:12,755 --> 00:21:15,056
He's married.
Who wouldn't?
What the fuck?

493
00:21:15,090 --> 00:21:17,024
"no, he lied about it
to Congress."

494
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:19,526
And those fuckers
impeached him?!

495
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:23,162
That's like a group of lepers
judging a beauty contest.
What the fuck?

496
00:21:24,431 --> 00:21:26,799
Wow, that's nuts.

497
00:21:28,268 --> 00:21:30,169
No!

498
00:21:32,705 --> 00:21:34,606
"and then they
acquitted him."

499
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,541
Cool, who was president
next, Gore?

500
00:21:36,575 --> 00:21:38,275
"no, Bush."
he was already president.

501
00:21:38,310 --> 00:21:41,344
"no, this was his son."
oh, the one from Florida.
He's kinda cool.

502
00:21:41,379 --> 00:21:45,114
"no, the one from Texas?"
junior?! Fuck.

503
00:21:45,149 --> 00:21:48,083
My God, the one
who traded Sammy Sosa?

504
00:21:48,118 --> 00:21:50,118
Fuck yeah.

505
00:21:50,152 --> 00:21:53,820
How was he as president?
"kinda goofy.

506
00:21:53,855 --> 00:21:57,156
Really, he waved
at Stevie Wonder."
what the fuck?

507
00:21:57,190 --> 00:22:01,059
It's like wow.

508
00:22:01,093 --> 00:22:05,195
And then what did he do?

509
00:22:05,229 --> 00:22:07,396
"he took a lot of vacations."
and then what happened?

510
00:22:07,431 --> 00:22:08,797
"we got attacked."
by who?

511
00:22:08,832 --> 00:22:10,665
"Osama bin Laden."
the guy from Afghanistan?

512
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:12,967
Didn't we used
to send him weapons?
"yeah, I know."

513
00:22:13,001 --> 00:22:15,102
We went after him, right?
"yeah." did we get him?

514
00:22:15,137 --> 00:22:18,807
"almost."
what do you mean almost?

515
00:22:18,841 --> 00:22:21,743
"we went after Hussein
because he had weapons
of mass destruction."

516
00:22:21,778 --> 00:22:24,046
That guy from Syria.
I knew that fuck would do this.

517
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,049
"no, the one from Iraq."
Saddam Hussein?!

518
00:22:26,084 --> 00:22:28,586
Bush, senior, kicked his ass.
"yeah, he did."

519
00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:30,754
And we got him?
"oh fuck, we got him."

520
00:22:30,788 --> 00:22:33,657
And we found the weapons of
mass destruction? Because he
would tell you where they are.

521
00:22:33,691 --> 00:22:36,194
"well, they executed him."
fuck off!

522
00:22:36,228 --> 00:22:38,965
And did you get bin Laden?
"almost.

523
00:22:38,999 --> 00:22:42,367
We got four of his
number threes."
okay!

524
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:45,870
But he's in Afghanistan.
"maybe.

525
00:22:45,905 --> 00:22:49,140
He might be in Pakistan."
let's go after him
in Pakistan.

526
00:22:49,174 --> 00:22:52,743
"there's a problem there.
They're allies and they have
weapons of mass destruction."

527
00:22:52,777 --> 00:22:55,212
Oh no!
What about the economy?

528
00:22:55,246 --> 00:22:58,146
"well, we had
to bail out the banks."
again? "fuck yeah!"

529
00:22:58,181 --> 00:23:02,250
And now who's the president?
"a black guy." oh yeah, right.

530
00:23:02,284 --> 00:23:04,485
Yeah yeah.

531
00:23:04,519 --> 00:23:07,353
There's a black
president and there's a latino
on the supreme court.

532
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:11,320
"there is." oh my God!
Who's the president--
Jesse Jackson?

533
00:23:11,354 --> 00:23:15,022
"no, his name's
Barack Hussein Obama."
now you're fucking with me.

534
00:23:15,056 --> 00:23:17,256
Fuck off!

535
00:23:24,095 --> 00:23:26,229
And that's where
we find ourselves today.

536
00:23:26,264 --> 00:23:29,900
We have an african-american,
but he was not born in Africa.

537
00:23:29,934 --> 00:23:32,068
Even though the birthers are
going, "he was born in Africa!"

538
00:23:32,102 --> 00:23:35,003
Yes, and his campaign
was financed by a Nigerian
prince on the intenet.

539
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,305
Come with me, my friend.

540
00:23:37,340 --> 00:23:40,742
It's like their worst nightmare
would have been at the
inauguration going,

541
00:23:40,776 --> 00:23:43,844
"Mr. Obama, you are now
President of the United States."

542
00:23:43,878 --> 00:23:47,080
( African tribal chanting )

543
00:23:52,319 --> 00:23:55,754
Hillary, work the booty,
work the booty, work the booty.

544
00:23:55,789 --> 00:23:57,623
What the fuck?

545
00:23:59,326 --> 00:24:02,094
And you have
to break his name down.
It's Barack-- blessing,

546
00:24:02,129 --> 00:24:03,529
Hussein--
we know who that is,

547
00:24:03,563 --> 00:24:06,331
Obama-- it's an old Kenyan
word for Kennedy, cool!

548
00:24:08,268 --> 00:24:11,536
The moment he was elected,
caucasian guilt dropped lower
than the stock market.

549
00:24:11,570 --> 00:24:14,204
It was like a brother
be going, "my man, could
you spe a dollar?"

550
00:24:14,238 --> 00:24:16,239
I'm sorry, my good fellow,
but I voted for Obama.

551
00:24:16,273 --> 00:24:18,808
Good fucking luck.
Take care.

552
00:24:18,842 --> 00:24:20,409
( groans )

553
00:24:20,444 --> 00:24:24,179
And now you have Michelle.
Michelle-- oh my God,
girl, please!

554
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:25,346
Mmmm!

555
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:27,414
Yeah, baby, oooh!

556
00:24:27,448 --> 00:24:30,448
Like a combination
Jackie Onassis and
Serena Williams,

557
00:24:30,483 --> 00:24:32,117
Way to go.

558
00:24:32,151 --> 00:24:35,219
She is so elegant
and she's got guns too,

559
00:24:35,253 --> 00:24:38,321
Which is kinda cool.
But you get the feeling,
as elegant as she is,

560
00:24:38,356 --> 00:24:41,858
If you dis her man,
she will fuck your shit up.

561
00:24:41,892 --> 00:24:43,593
Mmm!

562
00:24:44,995 --> 00:24:49,364
She will.
She will open
a can of whupass.

563
00:24:49,398 --> 00:24:52,933
She will go from "yes, we can"
to "oh, no you didn't."

564
00:24:54,669 --> 00:24:57,604
And Obama got heckled
in Congress.

565
00:24:57,638 --> 00:25:00,706
What the fuck is that?
That would not have happened
if Cheney were there.

566
00:25:00,740 --> 00:25:02,274
If Cheney were there--
oh no.

567
00:25:02,308 --> 00:25:05,576
If someone had heckled "w"
Cheney would be like, bam!

568
00:25:07,312 --> 00:25:09,746
Yeah!

569
00:25:11,716 --> 00:25:14,851
( mimics cocking guns )
"anybody else got a problem?"

570
00:25:16,387 --> 00:25:20,055
Cheney shot a man
in the face hunting quail.

571
00:25:21,257 --> 00:25:23,225
I don't know about
east coast quail,

572
00:25:23,259 --> 00:25:25,760
but California quail
are this fucking big.

573
00:25:25,794 --> 00:25:29,663
You gotta drop kick them then
get them in the air going bam!

574
00:25:29,697 --> 00:25:31,831
"shit happens!"

575
00:25:31,866 --> 00:25:35,034
And I love Cheney
at the inauguration looking
like old man potter.

576
00:25:35,068 --> 00:25:38,771
Like, "good luck
with the economy, little
African prince. Ha ha ha!

577
00:25:40,773 --> 00:25:43,574
Take care, Simba.
Ha ha ha."

578
00:25:46,011 --> 00:25:48,978
And he was
transforming as we speak.
The last few years

579
00:25:49,013 --> 00:25:51,313
He's been turning slowly
but surely into gollum.

580
00:25:51,348 --> 00:25:55,249
Like, "they don't likes us.
Don't give a shit!
Not caring why.

581
00:25:55,284 --> 00:25:57,752
Halliburton is the precious.
It's the precious."

582
00:25:57,786 --> 00:26:01,088
And he's become
an archetype now.
It's the type of thing

583
00:26:01,122 --> 00:26:04,557
that if you want to
frighten a little child,
you just have to say,

584
00:26:04,592 --> 00:26:06,159
"if you're not good,

585
00:26:06,194 --> 00:26:08,294
The Cheneyman
will get you."

586
00:26:09,429 --> 00:26:11,497
( cackles )

587
00:26:11,531 --> 00:26:13,232
Nooooo!

588
00:26:13,266 --> 00:26:16,167
And what's "w" doing now?
He's a motivational speaker.

589
00:26:16,201 --> 00:26:17,835
Kinda cool.

590
00:26:17,869 --> 00:26:20,603
It's kinda
like having Lindsey Lohan
as a guidance counselor.

591
00:26:22,938 --> 00:26:25,772
Way to go.

592
00:26:25,806 --> 00:26:29,842
And I love-- I love
the fact that they're
talking about opening

593
00:26:29,876 --> 00:26:32,710
the George W. Bush library,
which I think, wow!

594
00:26:32,745 --> 00:26:36,713
That's kind of like
the Colonel Sanders
Culinary Academy.

595
00:26:36,747 --> 00:26:40,182
Just the concept alone boggles your mind.

596
00:26:40,216 --> 00:26:43,484
And they've already talked about
making it very interactive,

597
00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:46,520
which I think is code
for "not so many books."

598
00:26:48,222 --> 00:26:50,657
And I hope they have some
of his great quotes
on the walls,

599
00:26:50,691 --> 00:26:53,292
like, "a lot of our imports
come from other countries."

600
00:26:53,326 --> 00:26:56,261
Yes!

601
00:26:56,296 --> 00:26:59,998
"the question that's
never asked: Is our
children learning?"

602
00:27:00,033 --> 00:27:02,033
Didn't know that.

603
00:27:02,068 --> 00:27:06,271
"people misunderestimate me."
that's not even a fucking word.
Way to go!

604
00:27:06,306 --> 00:27:08,641
And you've got to cut "w"
some slack, man.

605
00:27:08,676 --> 00:27:12,345
He comes from a family
where the smart brother is
named Jeb, number one.

606
00:27:12,379 --> 00:27:15,013
And he had a wicked
coke problem.

607
00:27:15,048 --> 00:27:16,816
And why did
he have to stop doing blow?

608
00:27:16,850 --> 00:27:18,484
Because I believe one day
he was like,

609
00:27:18,519 --> 00:27:20,920
"shit, my mom's
on the dollar bill!
God damn.

610
00:27:21,988 --> 00:27:25,190
Gotta cut this shit out."

611
00:27:25,224 --> 00:27:28,659
And near the end of his term,
even world leaders were
dissing his ass.

612
00:27:28,694 --> 00:27:31,462
There'd be the world economic
leaders conference and they'd
all be up there,

613
00:27:31,496 --> 00:27:34,931
Going, "oh, shit,
here comes skippy.
Fuck off."

614
00:27:34,965 --> 00:27:37,866
And he'd be up there like
a kid at a graduation, like,
"nobody likes me.

615
00:27:37,901 --> 00:27:40,469
This is bullshit.
This is crazy-ass shit."

616
00:27:40,503 --> 00:27:43,938
But there was one guy
who treated "w" with kindness
and respect.

617
00:27:43,972 --> 00:27:46,140
And that man was Tony Blair.

618
00:27:46,174 --> 00:27:49,443
Tony Blair and "w" was like
the United Nations production
of "Rainman."

619
00:27:49,477 --> 00:27:51,911
It was wonderful.

620
00:27:51,946 --> 00:27:54,347
There was sweetness.

621
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,982
Tony--
Tony'd be going to "w,"

622
00:27:57,017 --> 00:27:59,051
"'w,' do you know
the price of gas?"

623
00:27:59,085 --> 00:28:02,321
"definitely don't
know the price of gas.
Don't know the price of gas."

624
00:28:04,223 --> 00:28:06,357
"do you have an economic
stimulus package?"

625
00:28:06,392 --> 00:28:08,459
"definitely have
an economic stimulus package.
Might work.

626
00:28:08,493 --> 00:28:11,660
Definitely might work.
Give each and every american
over the age of 20

627
00:28:11,695 --> 00:28:13,763
$1 million.
Tax them at a flat
tax rate of 10%.

628
00:28:13,797 --> 00:28:17,099
Gives back the government
$100,000, gives each and every
person $900,000.

629
00:28:17,133 --> 00:28:20,101
Might stimulate
locally and personally.
Definitely might work.

630
00:28:20,136 --> 00:28:22,202
Definitely might work."

631
00:28:22,237 --> 00:28:25,605
"but 'w'-- 'w,' do you
know the price of gas?"

632
00:28:25,639 --> 00:28:27,541
"definitely don't know
the price of gas."

633
00:28:27,575 --> 00:28:30,243
And the definition
of insanity is

634
00:28:30,277 --> 00:28:32,445
Repeating the same action,
expecting a different outcome.

635
00:28:32,479 --> 00:28:34,580
We elected
him the second time,
the whole world went,

636
00:28:34,614 --> 00:28:37,415
"what the fuck is going on
with you people?"

637
00:28:37,450 --> 00:28:40,418
But now we still
have comedy though.

638
00:28:40,452 --> 00:28:42,319
We still have
great comedy out there.

639
00:28:42,354 --> 00:28:45,489
There's always
rambling Joe Biden.
What the fuck?

640
00:28:45,523 --> 00:28:50,059
Joe says things that even people
with tourette's go, "no.

641
00:28:50,094 --> 00:28:51,827
No.

642
00:28:51,862 --> 00:28:54,029
What is going on?"

643
00:28:54,063 --> 00:28:55,864
Joe is like your uncle

644
00:28:55,898 --> 00:28:59,567
Who's on a new drug
and hasn't got the dosage right.

645
00:28:59,601 --> 00:29:03,102
"I'm proud to work
with Barack america."
he's not a superhero, you idiot.

646
00:29:03,137 --> 00:29:05,838
Come mere.
"when F.D.R was was
on television..."

647
00:29:05,872 --> 00:29:09,907
There was no TV back then.
Come here, Joe. Bzzzt!
Sit down.

648
00:29:09,941 --> 00:29:12,909
And then you always have
Senators willing to push
the comedy envelope.

649
00:29:12,944 --> 00:29:15,678
Like Senator Larry Craig--
a guy who tried to pick up

650
00:29:15,713 --> 00:29:18,114
a man in a men's room
by morse code.

651
00:29:19,650 --> 00:29:21,783
How the fuck do you do that?
How do you go,

652
00:29:21,818 --> 00:29:24,752
"will... You...
Blow... Me?"

653
00:29:24,786 --> 00:29:28,188
Maybe.

654
00:29:30,524 --> 00:29:32,892
And...

655
00:29:32,926 --> 00:29:35,494
There's always Governor Sanford.
He's a piece of work.

656
00:29:35,529 --> 00:29:37,596
"I'm going for a hike
on the Appalachian Trail."

657
00:29:37,630 --> 00:29:39,331
Where does it end?
"Patagonia

658
00:29:39,365 --> 00:29:41,266
Oh, fuck off.

659
00:29:41,300 --> 00:29:43,234
And if always,
if you want comedy

660
00:29:43,268 --> 00:29:45,903
there is always Sarah Palin.
God bless.

661
00:29:45,938 --> 00:29:48,606
She is wonderful.
Sarah...

662
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,608
Sarah is
a self-opening piñata.
She is a gift.

663
00:29:52,643 --> 00:29:55,644
How did they find her?
Was it "project running mate"?

664
00:29:55,679 --> 00:29:57,846
Is that how they got her?

665
00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:02,316
Did Ronald Reagan have
a kid with Vanna White and drop
it off in Alaska?

666
00:30:03,918 --> 00:30:06,686
And it was raised by wolves
and that's why she hunts them?

667
00:30:06,721 --> 00:30:09,021
"you're not my dad.
You're not my dad."

668
00:30:10,290 --> 00:30:12,057
And she says amazing things

669
00:30:12,091 --> 00:30:15,660
Like, "I know about Russia
because I can see it
from my backyard."

670
00:30:15,694 --> 00:30:18,395
You have super vision,
number one.

671
00:30:18,429 --> 00:30:21,064
I can see San Quentin
from my backyard

672
00:30:21,098 --> 00:30:22,865
but that doesn't qualify me
on prison reform.

673
00:30:22,900 --> 00:30:26,202
What the fuck?
And it's incredible too.

674
00:30:26,236 --> 00:30:28,604
She said, "polar bears
are not endangered.
They're just unlucky."

675
00:30:28,638 --> 00:30:30,405
Oh, really?

676
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:34,075
And who knew Katie Couric was
the cutting edge of journalism

677
00:30:34,109 --> 00:30:37,411
with ambush questions like,
"what do you read?"

678
00:30:40,681 --> 00:30:43,148
"well...

679
00:30:44,650 --> 00:30:48,585
Well, that's
a trick question."

680
00:30:49,487 --> 00:30:52,923
Not if you read, no.

681
00:30:52,957 --> 00:30:55,325
You know the basic difference
between her and Cheney?

682
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,060
She shoots you,
game over.

683
00:30:57,094 --> 00:31:00,797
She will have you gutted
and standing on the wall
next to Barbara Walters.

684
00:31:00,831 --> 00:31:03,766
In the last few days
of the election

685
00:31:03,801 --> 00:31:05,769
she got really sexy.
She let the hair down.

686
00:31:05,803 --> 00:31:08,304
I thought the last day
of the election she was
gonna pop the Prada

687
00:31:08,338 --> 00:31:10,005
And be like... "yeah!

688
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,509
How do you like my northern
slopes now, boys?

689
00:31:13,544 --> 00:31:17,279
Drill, baby.
Drill, baby, drill."

690
00:31:17,313 --> 00:31:19,614
And do you think the whole time
she was running for office

691
00:31:19,649 --> 00:31:20,982
Clinton was sitting
at home going,

692
00:31:21,016 --> 00:31:23,050
"where was she when
I was in office?

693
00:31:23,051 --> 00:31:25,019
Shit.

694
00:31:25,053 --> 00:31:27,020
God damn.

695
00:31:31,325 --> 00:31:33,726
She is hot.
Whoa.

696
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,229
That's a milf.
That's a mother I'd like
to filibuster. Yeah."

697
00:31:38,565 --> 00:31:40,566
And Bill did some
good work recently.

698
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:42,634
He went to North Korea,
got the two girls home.

699
00:31:42,669 --> 00:31:45,036
Way to go, Bill.
Way to go. Got them back.
Way to go.

700
00:31:45,071 --> 00:31:47,271
Good job.

701
00:31:47,306 --> 00:31:50,207
But I wanted to be in
the room when Kim Jong il
came in the room

702
00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:54,278
and went,
"so, Bill Clinton.

703
00:31:54,312 --> 00:31:58,013
You bring me the pictures
I asked you for?

704
00:32:01,684 --> 00:32:04,284
I have on my big boy
glasses.

705
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,254
I want those pictures
and Clay Aiken."

706
00:32:10,259 --> 00:32:11,659
"why do you want
Clay Aiken?"

707
00:32:11,694 --> 00:32:13,927
"you know why
I want Clay Aiken.

708
00:32:13,962 --> 00:32:16,196
That's how I 'roro.'

709
00:32:16,230 --> 00:32:18,731
That's how I 'rororo.'

710
00:32:18,766 --> 00:32:21,167
That's what I like."

711
00:32:21,201 --> 00:32:23,870
And you think when Bill
got back from North Korea

712
00:32:23,904 --> 00:32:26,305
And Hillary got back
from Africa, that was
a rough dinner?

713
00:32:26,340 --> 00:32:29,108
Hillary went,
"Bill, congratulations
on North Korea."

714
00:32:29,143 --> 00:32:32,445
"we'll baby,
it was a happy ending.
Shit, wrong words."

715
00:32:32,479 --> 00:32:34,780
"come again, Bill?"

716
00:32:34,815 --> 00:32:36,716
"not this time, baby.
Not this time."

717
00:32:36,750 --> 00:32:38,951
And people
got mad at Hillary

718
00:32:38,986 --> 00:32:40,820
that she didn't go
trailer park on Bill's ass

719
00:32:40,855 --> 00:32:42,322
during the Monica
Lewinsky thing.

720
00:32:42,356 --> 00:32:44,490
That she didn't start throwing
his shit on the white House lawn

721
00:32:44,525 --> 00:32:47,593
Like, "Bill Clinton,
you lying sack of shit!

722
00:32:47,628 --> 00:32:50,496
How could you find the only
Jewish girl who couldn't
get a stain out?

723
00:32:50,531 --> 00:32:53,433
You asshole!

724
00:32:53,467 --> 00:32:54,968
Damn you!"

725
00:32:55,002 --> 00:32:57,436
And he'd be on the lawn
like an episode of "Cops"

726
00:32:57,471 --> 00:32:59,472
Going, "I love you, baby!

727
00:32:59,506 --> 00:33:03,342
Depends on what your
definition of is is.

728
00:33:03,377 --> 00:33:05,444
And when Hillary
ran for president

729
00:33:05,479 --> 00:33:08,147
there were a lot of guys
going, "I don't know about
a woman president."

730
00:33:08,182 --> 00:33:09,982
What are you worried about?
You worried every 28 days

731
00:33:10,017 --> 00:33:12,651
She'll be going,
"I can't talk to Putin.
Not today.

732
00:33:12,685 --> 00:33:17,185
I'm just gonna balance my budget
and watch my stories."

733
00:33:17,220 --> 00:33:20,453
She's in her 60s.
She has her own global
warming right now,

734
00:33:20,487 --> 00:33:22,422
Number one.

735
00:33:22,456 --> 00:33:24,858
She is one tough ass woman.

736
00:33:24,892 --> 00:33:26,559
And you don't necessarily
want sexy.

737
00:33:26,593 --> 00:33:29,428
I know when Sarah ran
a lot of guys are going,
"she energizes my base."

738
00:33:29,463 --> 00:33:31,963
Yeah, all right.
But necessarily--

739
00:33:31,997 --> 00:33:34,765
Sexy and world leaders,
not necessarily the case.

740
00:33:34,799 --> 00:33:36,233
Especially with female
world leaders.

741
00:33:36,267 --> 00:33:38,967
Throughout history--
Elizabeth I, Catherine
the Great,

742
00:33:39,002 --> 00:33:40,469
Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi--

743
00:33:40,503 --> 00:33:42,003
These are women you may
not want to fuck,

744
00:33:42,037 --> 00:33:44,204
but you definitely don't want
to fuck with them.

745
00:33:44,238 --> 00:33:47,672
They are scary women.
Oh my God.

746
00:33:47,706 --> 00:33:49,940
Whoo.

747
00:33:49,975 --> 00:33:53,442
And if you don't think a woman
can handle a military situation,

748
00:33:53,477 --> 00:33:55,777
ask the argentineans.
They were going,

749
00:33:55,811 --> 00:33:58,246
"Margaret Thatcher, that crazy
coño sank a battleship.

750
00:33:58,280 --> 00:33:59,881
She is nuts."

751
00:33:59,915 --> 00:34:02,016
She was Julia Child
on steroids going,

752
00:34:02,050 --> 00:34:05,585
"I will sink your shit
right now.

753
00:34:05,620 --> 00:34:08,588
I will open a can of whupass
on you little brown men.

754
00:34:08,621 --> 00:34:11,724
I will do it right now."

755
00:34:11,757 --> 00:34:16,094
And you have to look
at the English Royal Family
and realize

756
00:34:16,130 --> 00:34:19,098
all that money
and no dental plan.
How sad.

757
00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:23,168
So sad indeed.

758
00:34:23,203 --> 00:34:26,204
But if you want
sex in politics

759
00:34:26,237 --> 00:34:27,906
the French are always
there to top everyone.

760
00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:30,342
The French have
a president, Sarkozy,

761
00:34:30,376 --> 00:34:32,877
whose wife fucked Mick Jagger.
Way to go.

762
00:34:32,911 --> 00:34:36,447
The French look at
the Americans like, "top that,
little puritans.

763
00:34:36,482 --> 00:34:38,550
Take care."

764
00:34:38,583 --> 00:34:40,418
And I believe there's one man
we could run for office

765
00:34:40,453 --> 00:34:42,219
that even the French
would go, "fuck off."

766
00:34:42,255 --> 00:34:45,523
That man is Jack Nicholson.
Yes!

767
00:34:46,525 --> 00:34:48,859
Oh yeah, baby.

768
00:34:48,893 --> 00:34:51,928
He's nuts.
You'll never have a sex
scandal with Jack

769
00:34:51,963 --> 00:34:54,929
because he has
fucked everyone.

770
00:34:54,963 --> 00:34:59,632
I had Angelina Jolie
and afterwards she adopted me.

771
00:35:01,267 --> 00:35:03,566
What?

772
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:06,035
And he's done every known
drug known to mankind.

773
00:35:06,069 --> 00:35:07,904
He'd be the only guy
in the world that Keith Richards
would go,

774
00:35:07,938 --> 00:35:10,673
"I have to go home now, Jack.

775
00:35:13,108 --> 00:35:15,208
No, I really do.
It's fucking over."

776
00:35:16,477 --> 00:35:19,412
Where you running, you pussy?
Get back here.

777
00:35:19,446 --> 00:35:22,081
It's so weird too.
If you elect celebrities

778
00:35:22,115 --> 00:35:23,382
it's always not a great idea.

779
00:35:23,416 --> 00:35:26,151
Because in California
we are a 60% hispanic state.

780
00:35:26,186 --> 00:35:28,620
We elected
an Austrian Governor.

781
00:35:28,654 --> 00:35:31,956
Even old nazis are going,
"that's weird."

782
00:35:34,092 --> 00:35:36,427
He has a hard time
even saying the name
of the state.

783
00:35:36,461 --> 00:35:38,795
Arnold, where are
you Governor?
"Caforna."

784
00:35:40,131 --> 00:35:42,531
What?
"Cafornaa."

785
00:35:42,566 --> 00:35:46,234
And he's married
to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver,

786
00:35:46,269 --> 00:35:49,604
Who has been getting thinner
and fucking thinner
and smaller.

787
00:35:49,639 --> 00:35:53,173
I believe he is sucking
the Kennedy out of her.

788
00:35:53,208 --> 00:35:55,175
Shh.

789
00:35:56,944 --> 00:36:00,913
Slowly but surely becoming
a Kennedy by assimilation.

790
00:36:00,948 --> 00:36:04,016
Which is kind of cool.
That's how you get a liberal
Republican, which is neat.

791
00:36:04,050 --> 00:36:05,685
It's like a Volvo
with a gun rack.

792
00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:07,653
You don't see
a lot of them.

793
00:36:07,688 --> 00:36:11,590
And in terms
of energy policies--

794
00:36:11,624 --> 00:36:14,492
21st century.
Stem cell research--
21st century.

795
00:36:14,527 --> 00:36:17,161
Immigration--
Arnold's a little old school.

796
00:36:17,196 --> 00:36:19,030
Arnold, how will you
handle immigration?

797
00:36:19,064 --> 00:36:20,665
"I will build a wall."

798
00:36:20,699 --> 00:36:24,301
And even the Chinese go,
"that will not fucking work.

799
00:36:26,637 --> 00:36:28,504
They will go around
around your wall.

800
00:36:28,538 --> 00:36:30,639
And who will build the wall?

801
00:36:30,673 --> 00:36:33,007
The people you are trying
to fucking keep out."

802
00:36:34,542 --> 00:36:37,809
So maybe you want to invent some
self-picking fruit real quickly.

803
00:36:37,843 --> 00:36:39,610
Come with me right now.

804
00:36:39,644 --> 00:36:41,844
And...

805
00:36:41,879 --> 00:36:45,080
In California we barely
balanced the budget.

806
00:36:45,114 --> 00:36:47,415
They were coming up
with weird alternatives
to balance the budget

807
00:36:47,449 --> 00:36:50,750
like selling San Quentin
as real estate.
What the fuck?

808
00:36:50,784 --> 00:36:54,286
Is this like, are you going to
open some sort of severe spa?

809
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,687
These are the lovely
sodomy suites.

810
00:36:56,722 --> 00:36:58,089
Come with me over here.

811
00:36:58,123 --> 00:37:00,324
Don't sit in that chair...
Zzzp... Too late.

812
00:37:00,358 --> 00:37:02,259
Thank you.

813
00:37:02,293 --> 00:37:04,260
And they're gonna
close Guantanamo.

814
00:37:04,294 --> 00:37:05,761
And I go, what are you
gonna open there?

815
00:37:05,795 --> 00:37:07,962
Maybe an amusement park.
We'll call is Muslim Mountain.

816
00:37:07,996 --> 00:37:11,064
It'll be cool.
What will the water slide be?

817
00:37:11,099 --> 00:37:13,201
We strap you to a board
and send you head first
in to a pool.

818
00:37:13,235 --> 00:37:14,969
Good luck.

819
00:37:15,004 --> 00:37:17,840
And where are they gonna send
all those guys from Guantanamo?

820
00:37:17,875 --> 00:37:21,043
People in Texas are going,
"we'll take 'em."

821
00:37:21,077 --> 00:37:24,479
Zzzp... No, you can't--
zzzp... No!

822
00:37:24,513 --> 00:37:27,314
And the whole budget crisis,

823
00:37:27,349 --> 00:37:30,451
The whole manic recession,
we've just come through this
manic recession.

824
00:37:30,486 --> 00:37:32,620
Remember the banks saying,
"we're too big to fail"?

825
00:37:32,654 --> 00:37:35,323
It's like saying
too fat to diet.
What are you doing?

826
00:37:35,357 --> 00:37:39,127
Remember they came to us going,
"we need $500 billion"?

827
00:37:39,161 --> 00:37:41,696
We went, okay, here you go.
A week later...

828
00:37:41,730 --> 00:37:43,865
"we need some more."

829
00:37:43,899 --> 00:37:46,535
You fuckers are economic
freebasing.

830
00:37:46,570 --> 00:37:48,070
What are you doing?

831
00:37:48,104 --> 00:37:50,672
They're like a group of junkies
who've relapsed and are going,

832
00:37:50,707 --> 00:37:52,308
"oh my man, listen.

833
00:37:52,342 --> 00:37:55,711
I just need some liquidity,
you know what I'm saying?

834
00:37:55,746 --> 00:37:59,214
I just ran into some bad
subprime, you know?

835
00:37:59,248 --> 00:38:01,283
We had some complex
formulas.

836
00:38:01,317 --> 00:38:03,751
We just didn't factor
in greed and panic.

837
00:38:03,786 --> 00:38:05,653
Yeah.

838
00:38:05,687 --> 00:38:09,423
I just need $805 billion
by Tuesday.

839
00:38:09,457 --> 00:38:13,426
I would not fuck you again."

840
00:38:13,460 --> 00:38:16,294
My God, it was insane.
In the midst of all this,

841
00:38:16,329 --> 00:38:17,629
there was Bernie Madoff.

842
00:38:17,663 --> 00:38:20,464
An embezzler named
"made-off."

843
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,667
Hmm. Yes.

844
00:38:27,136 --> 00:38:29,637
Was the name not a clue?

845
00:38:29,671 --> 00:38:32,105
Did he have to be with
the accounting firm

846
00:38:32,140 --> 00:38:36,075
of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe?

847
00:38:36,109 --> 00:38:38,243
And now Bernie's in prison

848
00:38:38,277 --> 00:38:40,478
where insider trading
is a whole other game.

849
00:38:41,946 --> 00:38:44,081
The bull market is what your ass
will bear, motherfucker.

850
00:38:44,115 --> 00:38:46,283
Let's do this.
Mm-hmm.

851
00:38:46,317 --> 00:38:48,685
Payback's a bitch.
Yeah.

852
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:51,087
And then the automobile
companies needed help.

853
00:38:51,121 --> 00:38:52,422
And I thought,
wait a minute.

854
00:38:52,456 --> 00:38:53,657
Wouldn't it be cool
is the oil companies

855
00:38:53,692 --> 00:38:55,393
gave a little money to
the automobile companies?

856
00:38:55,428 --> 00:38:57,261
I know it's like your dealer
paying for rehab,

857
00:38:57,296 --> 00:38:59,161
but why not?
Give it a shot.

858
00:38:59,196 --> 00:39:01,565
And now we're trying to get
off the petroleum titty.

859
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:03,634
It's like
we're trying to kick it.
And how are we doing this?

860
00:39:03,669 --> 00:39:05,469
We're looking for
alternative fuels.

861
00:39:05,503 --> 00:39:08,705
Some of the alternative fuels
are a hydrogen powered car.

862
00:39:08,739 --> 00:39:11,042
Cool idea.
If you're thinking of
a hydrogen powered car,

863
00:39:11,076 --> 00:39:13,776
I have one word for you--
Hindenburg. Good luck.

864
00:39:15,179 --> 00:39:17,546
A more interesting gas
and a lot more fun is helium.

865
00:39:17,581 --> 00:39:19,848
Number one with helium,
you could float over
the potholes.

866
00:39:19,882 --> 00:39:23,217
And if you get into an accident
you get out of the car
with road rage going...

867
00:39:23,252 --> 00:39:25,519
( high voice )
I'm gonna kick your ass.

868
00:39:25,553 --> 00:39:28,455
What?
Oh my God.

869
00:39:28,489 --> 00:39:31,424
I've got a fuel leak.
How weird is that?

870
00:39:31,458 --> 00:39:34,027
I can't kick your ass.
I sound like a chipmunk.

871
00:39:34,061 --> 00:39:35,495
This is nuts.

872
00:39:35,529 --> 00:39:37,930
Look at all the clowns getting
out of the trunk of my car.

873
00:39:37,964 --> 00:39:39,964
Fuck off.

874
00:39:39,999 --> 00:39:41,533
And I've found another
alternative fuel.

875
00:39:41,567 --> 00:39:43,568
And I found it by accident.

876
00:39:43,602 --> 00:39:46,403
I was having my morning coffee,
and I have my morning coffee
for two reasons.

877
00:39:46,437 --> 00:39:49,506
One, to kick start my brain.
Number two, and more
importantly,

878
00:39:49,540 --> 00:39:51,874
to jumpstart my colon.
More importantly.

879
00:39:51,908 --> 00:39:53,809
The moment I have my morning
coffee it's like,

880
00:39:53,843 --> 00:39:56,678
morning, everybody.
Fire in the hole!

881
00:39:56,712 --> 00:39:59,714
Son, open
the bathroom door.

882
00:39:59,748 --> 00:40:01,582
I don't care if
you're rubbing one out,

883
00:40:01,616 --> 00:40:04,817
I've got to drop a resume.
Open the door.

884
00:40:04,852 --> 00:40:07,753
And even the dog is going,
"he's leaking methane!"

885
00:40:09,822 --> 00:40:12,456
There's a dead canary
in the corner like...

886
00:40:12,491 --> 00:40:14,723
And I went, wait a minute.

887
00:40:14,758 --> 00:40:16,925
I'm leaking methane.

888
00:40:16,959 --> 00:40:18,860
I'm my own fuel source.

889
00:40:18,894 --> 00:40:20,528
How about this
for a new car?

890
00:40:20,562 --> 00:40:22,963
The new ford colon.
How about this?

891
00:40:22,997 --> 00:40:25,265
Here's the ad:

892
00:40:25,299 --> 00:40:27,767
Me shirt, no pants,
tube in my ass.

893
00:40:29,203 --> 00:40:31,203
Hi, I'm Robin Williams.

894
00:40:31,237 --> 00:40:33,306
I've just had
a black bean burrito.

895
00:40:33,340 --> 00:40:37,777
That's right,
I'm gonna drive all the way
from San Francisco

896
00:40:37,811 --> 00:40:40,112
to Washington, D.C.

897
00:40:40,146 --> 00:40:44,449
Yup, the shit's hit the fan
and it's powering my car.

898
00:40:45,951 --> 00:40:48,986
Won't you join us?
Fuck green, go brown.

899
00:40:49,020 --> 00:40:50,687
Come on.

900
00:40:50,722 --> 00:40:53,156
Come with us now.

901
00:41:00,129 --> 00:41:02,697
Another alternative fuel
is ethanol.

902
00:41:02,732 --> 00:41:05,066
And people from the South
are going, "that's moonshine,
motherfucker."

903
00:41:05,100 --> 00:41:06,701
Damn right.

904
00:41:06,735 --> 00:41:08,403
And ethanol is pure
grain alcohol.

905
00:41:08,437 --> 00:41:11,239
No better car in the world to
drive if you're an alcoholic.

906
00:41:11,273 --> 00:41:14,476
If you get stopped by
the police you can get out
of the car going,

907
00:41:14,510 --> 00:41:16,911
"officer, I've had
a few cocktails.

908
00:41:16,945 --> 00:41:20,214
My car, however,
is totally fucked up."

909
00:41:21,949 --> 00:41:23,716
Even the cheap gas
in the car is going,

910
00:41:23,751 --> 00:41:25,585
"I don't know where
the fuck I am

911
00:41:25,619 --> 00:41:29,154
a God damn tree just
jumped out at me."

912
00:41:30,457 --> 00:41:34,460
And Hyundai makes a car
that can park itself.

913
00:41:34,494 --> 00:41:36,995
I'm going, where the fuck were
you when I was drinking?

914
00:41:37,029 --> 00:41:38,762
God damn!

915
00:41:38,796 --> 00:41:41,664
What a great car.
You get in the car
a little loaded going,

916
00:41:41,699 --> 00:41:43,833
Shall I drive home?
Fuck yeah.

917
00:41:43,867 --> 00:41:47,336
And before you do,
blow me.

918
00:41:47,370 --> 00:41:50,839
And what a great new car.
The new Ford fellatio.

919
00:41:50,873 --> 00:41:52,373
That would be a car.

920
00:41:52,408 --> 00:41:55,276
It gets you off
before it gets you there.

921
00:41:55,310 --> 00:41:59,112
And most cars now have G.P.S.
which is kind of cool.

922
00:41:59,146 --> 00:42:02,182
I have a G.P.S. in my car.
I was driving across
the Golden Gate Bridge.

923
00:42:02,216 --> 00:42:04,283
I was halfway across and all
of a sudden the car went,

924
00:42:04,317 --> 00:42:07,084
"take a right turn."

925
00:42:07,119 --> 00:42:08,852
What?

926
00:42:08,887 --> 00:42:11,922
No can do, Hal.

927
00:42:11,956 --> 00:42:15,458
I'm not that
depressed really.

928
00:42:15,492 --> 00:42:18,460
And the car went,
"really, Robin? I saw
'Bicentennial Man.'"

929
00:42:18,495 --> 00:42:20,629
Shut the fuck up!

930
00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:22,798
Damn you.

931
00:42:26,502 --> 00:42:28,436
And it's a bitchy
english voice too.

932
00:42:28,470 --> 00:42:31,038
It goes, "in one quarter mile,
take a right turn.

933
00:42:31,072 --> 00:42:34,941
In one eighth mile
take a right turn.

934
00:42:34,976 --> 00:42:38,044
There it was.

935
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:42,181
You missed it, Magellan.

936
00:42:42,215 --> 00:42:44,116
Shall I reroute?

937
00:42:44,150 --> 00:42:46,051
I who has access
to 12 satellites?

938
00:42:46,085 --> 00:42:48,353
You who doesn't look at
a fucking piece of paper?"

939
00:42:48,387 --> 00:42:51,822
And maybe they should have
a G.P.S. that ages with you.

940
00:42:51,856 --> 00:42:53,690
It becomes age appropriate.
So eventually the car's going,

941
00:42:53,724 --> 00:42:56,059
"there's your turn!
Hello!

942
00:42:56,093 --> 00:42:58,162
No no, that's not it.
Maybe the next one.

943
00:42:58,197 --> 00:42:59,962
That could be it.
That might be it.

944
00:42:59,996 --> 00:43:03,398
Yeah, that's the one.
There used to be a gas
station there, yeah.

945
00:43:04,533 --> 00:43:06,266
<i>Yeah.</i>

946
00:43:06,301 --> 00:43:07,934
Right.

947
00:43:07,969 --> 00:43:10,603
That's when gas was
a nickel a gallon.

948
00:43:10,637 --> 00:43:12,706
That's it, yeah."

949
00:43:12,740 --> 00:43:17,043
I want a Scottish G.P.S.
'cause I think that would
be an honest G.P.S.

950
00:43:17,078 --> 00:43:19,145
It would be going,
"there's your turn.

951
00:43:19,179 --> 00:43:22,214
You fucking missed it,
you idiot.

952
00:43:23,516 --> 00:43:25,383
Take another fucking
right turn.

953
00:43:25,418 --> 00:43:27,118
Take one more
fucking right turn

954
00:43:27,152 --> 00:43:29,119
Take one more fucking
right turn.

955
00:43:29,154 --> 00:43:32,052
Ooh, there's
your fucking view.

956
00:43:32,087 --> 00:43:34,087
Yeah!"

957
00:43:37,724 --> 00:43:40,993
They say that Bob Dillon
is gonna be making a G.P.S.

958
00:43:41,027 --> 00:43:43,662
I want that G.P.S.

959
00:43:43,696 --> 00:43:47,632
"driving down the road.
Up ahead there's a light.

960
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:50,801
Very soon very soon you're
gonna have to take a right.

961
00:43:50,835 --> 00:43:52,202
Driving along,
driving along,

962
00:43:52,237 --> 00:43:53,837
Driving in the land
of the free.

963
00:43:53,871 --> 00:43:56,440
So remember to pull off,
you have to take a pee.

964
00:43:56,474 --> 00:43:58,208
Do it now.

965
00:43:58,242 --> 00:44:00,510
Pull up ahead.
Don't try to stop.

966
00:44:00,544 --> 00:44:02,712
Oh God, oh God.
Look out, there's a cop.

967
00:44:02,747 --> 00:44:05,715
Look out.
I'm just trying to direct you

968
00:44:05,749 --> 00:44:08,317
As one wealthy hebrew."

969
00:44:14,426 --> 00:44:17,593
And it's cool now.
If you see someone driving alone

970
00:44:17,627 --> 00:44:19,728
Talking like this...

971
00:44:19,762 --> 00:44:23,098
Hopefully they're
hands-free and not out
of their fucking mind.

972
00:44:23,132 --> 00:44:27,001
'cause in the old days
if you saw someone driving
and talking like...

973
00:44:27,035 --> 00:44:30,304
And they're alone you go,
change fucking lanes.

974
00:44:31,773 --> 00:44:35,008
And hands-free means hands
free to talk on the phone.

975
00:44:35,043 --> 00:44:38,578
This does not mean find another
activity for your hands,

976
00:44:38,612 --> 00:44:41,713
Like text messaging.
No no.

977
00:44:41,748 --> 00:44:44,115
Texting and driving
at the same time

978
00:44:44,149 --> 00:44:47,317
is like jerking off and juggling
at the same time.

979
00:44:47,352 --> 00:44:50,253
Too many balls in the air,
if you catch my drift.

980
00:44:50,288 --> 00:44:54,123
And unless you're gonna develop
an eye like a chameleon

981
00:44:54,158 --> 00:44:56,358
where one looks down
and one looks ahead,

982
00:44:56,393 --> 00:44:59,961
your brain will eventually go,
"I can't do this!

983
00:44:59,996 --> 00:45:03,498
I am intextificated.
This is insane."

984
00:45:03,532 --> 00:45:05,633
And when you get out
of the car

985
00:45:05,667 --> 00:45:08,035
take out the bluetooth,
o, Seven of Nine.

986
00:45:08,070 --> 00:45:11,005
Join us.
Come back, yes.

987
00:45:11,039 --> 00:45:14,040
Oh please.
It's all right.

988
00:45:18,679 --> 00:45:20,714
'cause you'll be wearing
the bluetooth and deaf people
are going,

989
00:45:20,748 --> 00:45:22,816
"are you hearing?
No, you're just an asshole
with a bluetooth.

990
00:45:22,850 --> 00:45:24,985
Fuck you."

991
00:45:25,019 --> 00:45:27,187
And then there's always that
awkward bluetooth conversation.

992
00:45:27,222 --> 00:45:29,289
You're in an elevator,
you can't see the bluetooth

993
00:45:29,323 --> 00:45:30,524
and some guy's going,
"hi, gorgeous."

994
00:45:30,558 --> 00:45:32,692
Thank you.
"not you. Fuck you.

995
00:45:32,726 --> 00:45:34,494
No, fuck you.
No, I want to fuck you.

996
00:45:34,528 --> 00:45:36,998
I don't want to fuck you.
Fuck you, God damn it."

997
00:45:37,032 --> 00:45:40,635
The homeless people are going,
"that's my act, you asshole.

998
00:45:40,670 --> 00:45:42,671
I talk to people.
I hear voices.

999
00:45:42,705 --> 00:45:45,206
I just don't have
call waiting. What the fuck?"

1000
00:45:45,241 --> 00:45:47,675
And if you wear
a bluetooth 24/7,

1001
00:45:47,710 --> 00:45:49,410
I'm sure there are no
long-term effects.

1002
00:45:49,445 --> 00:45:51,179
( mumbles )

1003
00:45:55,251 --> 00:45:58,118
And thank you for not filming
me with your phones tonight,

1004
00:45:58,152 --> 00:45:59,752
Because phones
now are cameras.

1005
00:45:59,787 --> 00:46:01,988
There was a lady
filming me the other night.
You could see 'em.

1006
00:46:02,022 --> 00:46:04,823
There's a fucking
red light, bitch.
I see it.

1007
00:46:04,857 --> 00:46:07,458
And I said, turn it off.
And she went, "how will
I remember?"

1008
00:46:07,493 --> 00:46:09,693
I went, the old
fashioned way.

1009
00:46:09,728 --> 00:46:13,063
You will have to tell
people what you saw.

1010
00:46:13,097 --> 00:46:16,633
That you saw
a hairy comedian.

1011
00:46:18,635 --> 00:46:20,836
Because you see,
it's not big brother anymore.

1012
00:46:20,870 --> 00:46:22,671
It's little snitch.
It's like, I see you.
I fucking see you.

1013
00:46:22,705 --> 00:46:24,273
I see you.
I fucking see you.

1014
00:46:24,307 --> 00:46:26,441
And it's also too weird.
Because your phone--

1015
00:46:26,476 --> 00:46:27,809
You can google
on your phone.

1016
00:46:27,844 --> 00:46:29,343
I googled
the word corkscrew

1017
00:46:29,378 --> 00:46:30,844
And it said,
"did you mean cocksucker?"

1018
00:46:30,878 --> 00:46:33,012
No.

1019
00:46:33,046 --> 00:46:35,781
But while you're there...

1020
00:46:35,815 --> 00:46:39,050
And texting--
the whole texting thing--
I walked into a Starbucks,

1021
00:46:39,084 --> 00:46:41,318
There were all these little
girls sitting around like
a cyber witch's coven.

1022
00:46:41,353 --> 00:46:43,520
They were like...

1023
00:46:43,554 --> 00:46:45,988
Not saying a fucking word.
Just...

1024
00:46:48,058 --> 00:46:50,626
Finally one of them looked
up and went, "I know."

1025
00:46:54,129 --> 00:46:56,496
And you twitter.
Twitter, or tweeting.

1026
00:46:56,531 --> 00:46:58,699
It's not the root word.
It's not twit, it's tweet.
Okay, cool.

1027
00:46:58,733 --> 00:47:00,601
Is it rude to twitter
during sex?

1028
00:47:00,635 --> 00:47:03,003
To go, O.M.G.
O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.?

1029
00:47:03,037 --> 00:47:05,872
Is that rude?

1030
00:47:05,906 --> 00:47:07,473
And is there something
called clittoring

1031
00:47:07,508 --> 00:47:09,842
where you play with the little
button on your Blackberry?

1032
00:47:12,311 --> 00:47:14,912
What are you doing?
I'm clittoring. Ha ha ha!

1033
00:47:17,114 --> 00:47:18,816
And Twitter broke
the other day.

1034
00:47:18,850 --> 00:47:21,618
Twitter went down.
What the fuck happened to all
those people then?

1035
00:47:21,652 --> 00:47:24,120
Where they like,
"my thumbs!

1036
00:47:24,154 --> 00:47:26,422
My thumbs are moving
for no fucking reason!

1037
00:47:26,456 --> 00:47:28,624
What the fuck is that?"
a book.

1038
00:47:28,659 --> 00:47:30,527
( hisses )

1039
00:47:33,797 --> 00:47:36,465
"who are you?"
dad.

1040
00:47:38,134 --> 00:47:40,034
I'm miss you.

1041
00:47:40,069 --> 00:47:43,104
Let's talk.

1042
00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:45,707
When you walk
into their room--

1043
00:47:45,741 --> 00:47:47,508
my son has four screens
going simultaneously.

1044
00:47:47,543 --> 00:47:49,243
He's got a game on here,
he's playing a move over here.

1045
00:47:49,278 --> 00:47:50,878
He's also downloading,
he's texting.

1046
00:47:50,912 --> 00:47:53,114
He's got all this stuff
going and people go,
"that's A.D.D."

1047
00:47:53,148 --> 00:47:55,950
I go, bullshit,
he's multitasking.
Fuck off.

1048
00:47:55,984 --> 00:47:57,685
And then suddenly
I've become my father.

1049
00:47:57,719 --> 00:47:59,253
Your mother
and I weren't online.

1050
00:47:59,287 --> 00:48:02,356
We did lines, my friend.
I'll tell you that.

1051
00:48:02,390 --> 00:48:04,959
You do 50,000 hits,
we did five hits.

1052
00:48:04,993 --> 00:48:06,594
That's how much we needed.

1053
00:48:06,628 --> 00:48:08,329
And we didn't have Twitter.
We had shitter.

1054
00:48:08,363 --> 00:48:10,265
That was my chat room.

1055
00:48:10,299 --> 00:48:13,735
We had useless conversations.
We just didn't fucking share
them with the world.

1056
00:48:13,770 --> 00:48:16,039
What are you doing?
Oh, you're playing
with your wii.

1057
00:48:16,073 --> 00:48:18,073
Oh, you got a joystick.
Yeah.

1058
00:48:18,108 --> 00:48:20,809
I had a joystick growing up,
except mine was fucking
attached.

1059
00:48:20,843 --> 00:48:23,077
Yeah.

1060
00:48:23,112 --> 00:48:26,080
And it was a first-person
shooter too, yeah!

1061
00:48:27,215 --> 00:48:29,249
God damn it.

1062
00:48:31,285 --> 00:48:32,651
I miss human contact.

1063
00:48:32,686 --> 00:48:34,386
Even on the phone
for directory assistance

1064
00:48:34,420 --> 00:48:36,621
It's like, "city
and state, please."

1065
00:48:36,656 --> 00:48:38,156
Washington, D.C.

1066
00:48:38,191 --> 00:48:40,292
"what would you like?"
Constitution Hall.

1067
00:48:40,326 --> 00:48:42,193
"did you say
Kennedy Center?"

1068
00:48:42,228 --> 00:48:43,828
No.

1069
00:48:43,863 --> 00:48:47,331
Constitution Hall.

1070
00:48:47,365 --> 00:48:49,066
"did you say
Congressional Ball?

1071
00:48:49,100 --> 00:48:51,168
No.

1072
00:48:51,202 --> 00:48:53,736
Consti-- and it starts to become
like "The Miracle Worker."

1073
00:48:53,771 --> 00:48:57,039
Constitution Hall.

1074
00:48:57,074 --> 00:48:59,508
"did you say cocksucker?"

1075
00:48:59,542 --> 00:49:01,443
No, I didn't say cocksucker!

1076
00:49:01,477 --> 00:49:03,677
"would you like to talk
to a person?"

1077
00:49:03,712 --> 00:49:05,078
Fuck yes!

1078
00:49:05,113 --> 00:49:06,913
"if you'd like to talk
to a person, press one.

1079
00:49:06,947 --> 00:49:09,481
If you'd like to talk to someone
in english press two.

1080
00:49:09,516 --> 00:49:12,217
Are you sure you don't want
to talk to someone in spanish?
Press three.

1081
00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:14,752
Press four if you'd like
to move to the next menu.

1082
00:49:14,786 --> 00:49:16,754
Press five if you're getting
somewhat irritated.

1083
00:49:16,788 --> 00:49:18,489
Press six
if you're my bitch.

1084
00:49:18,523 --> 00:49:20,123
Press seven.
You know you want to.

1085
00:49:20,157 --> 00:49:22,291
Press eight, daddy.
Do it. Press nine."

1086
00:49:22,325 --> 00:49:24,393
What are the chances of talking
to a real person?

1087
00:49:24,427 --> 00:49:26,194
"zero, press it!"

1088
00:49:26,228 --> 00:49:28,362
Beep!

1089
00:49:28,397 --> 00:49:30,365
Beep!

1090
00:49:30,399 --> 00:49:33,033
Beep!

1091
00:49:36,069 --> 00:49:39,338
( indian accent )
"hello. Did you want to talk
to a real person?"

1092
00:49:41,307 --> 00:49:43,342
Yes!

1093
00:49:43,376 --> 00:49:47,279
Oh, my God, yes!

1094
00:49:47,314 --> 00:49:49,948
Yes!
Where are you?

1095
00:49:49,982 --> 00:49:52,717
You're a real person?
"very much so."

1096
00:49:52,752 --> 00:49:55,921
Where are you?
"I am on the phone with you."

1097
00:49:57,190 --> 00:50:00,392
What is your name?
"Thomas Edison."

1098
00:50:00,426 --> 00:50:02,095
Don't fuck with me,
Thomas.

1099
00:50:02,129 --> 00:50:05,233
"don't fuck with me, mork.
I know who you are."

1100
00:50:05,267 --> 00:50:07,535
What?

1101
00:50:07,569 --> 00:50:10,572
"I know about you
googling cocksucker,

1102
00:50:10,606 --> 00:50:12,540
So don't piss me off.

1103
00:50:12,575 --> 00:50:14,675
And I have access
to a nuclear device.

1104
00:50:14,710 --> 00:50:17,645
And I can say it
unlike your former president,
so don't fucking piss me off."

1105
00:50:17,679 --> 00:50:20,314
Change a light bulb,
change a light bulb,
change a light bulb now.

1106
00:50:20,349 --> 00:50:24,117
( imitating chinese )

1107
00:50:24,152 --> 00:50:28,689
China is now outsourcing
many American products
as we speak.

1108
00:50:28,723 --> 00:50:30,792
You send us your cat food,
we send it back to you--

1109
00:50:30,826 --> 00:50:33,261
( gasps )
sorry about kitty.

1110
00:50:33,295 --> 00:50:36,230
We make your toys.
Oh, Timmy can't take lead?

1111
00:50:36,265 --> 00:50:39,401
How sad for him.

1112
00:50:39,435 --> 00:50:42,837
And now Chinese families
are adopting American lesbians.

1113
00:50:42,872 --> 00:50:46,274
Payback is a bitch.
Now...

1114
00:50:46,309 --> 00:50:49,244
China makes
a lot of money off us.

1115
00:50:49,278 --> 00:50:50,979
But we're gonna get
some money back soon

1116
00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:54,082
because they're gonna open
a Disneyland in Shanghai.

1117
00:50:54,116 --> 00:50:58,520
It'll be cool.
It'll have characters
like Mickey Mao.

1118
00:50:58,554 --> 00:51:01,656
There'll be
duck xiaoping.

1119
00:51:01,690 --> 00:51:04,125
You go down main street--
there'll be 12 Donald Ducks

1120
00:51:04,159 --> 00:51:07,028
Hanging
upside down in the market.
That'll be cool.

1121
00:51:07,062 --> 00:51:09,630
And there'll be
the village people's republic
going,

1122
00:51:09,664 --> 00:51:12,165
♪ young Mao,
there's a place you can go ♪

1123
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:15,468
♪ I say, young Mao. ♪

1124
00:51:17,371 --> 00:51:20,672
And before the Olympics

1125
00:51:20,706 --> 00:51:23,508
The Tibetans
were demonstrating
against the Chinese.

1126
00:51:23,542 --> 00:51:26,677
It was kind of sad too,
because the Chinese
accused the Tibetans

1127
00:51:26,711 --> 00:51:28,646
of being terrorists,
which is weird.

1128
00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:32,351
A Tibetan terrorist
is like an Amish hacker--
it just doesn't fit.

1129
00:51:32,385 --> 00:51:35,521
And then California went,
"we are gonna boycott
Chinese products

1130
00:51:35,555 --> 00:51:37,923
In sympathy
with the Tibetans."
then they went,

1131
00:51:37,957 --> 00:51:40,326
"fuck, they make
everything."

1132
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:43,462
And they even make
the "free tibet" stickers,

1133
00:51:43,496 --> 00:51:46,932
So it's fucking insane.

1134
00:51:46,967 --> 00:51:50,169
And the weird thing
in the Chinese Olympics,

1135
00:51:50,203 --> 00:51:52,737
Beijing-- one of the most
polluted cities in the world.

1136
00:51:52,771 --> 00:51:55,438
During the Olympics
no pollution. How did
they pull this off?

1137
00:51:55,472 --> 00:51:58,173
I believe they sent
one billion Chinese
into Beijing.

1138
00:51:58,208 --> 00:52:00,342
Everyone breathe in...

1139
00:52:03,012 --> 00:52:05,880
( exhales )

1140
00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:08,048
One of my favorite events
during the Olympics

1141
00:52:08,082 --> 00:52:10,649
was women's gymnastics,
which is kind of a misnomer.

1142
00:52:10,684 --> 00:52:13,351
These are not women.
These are Shetland females.

1143
00:52:13,386 --> 00:52:15,720
And some of the events
are a little...
( chuckles )

1144
00:52:15,754 --> 00:52:19,724
like the uneven
parallel bars is a bit like
horizontal pole dancing.

1145
00:52:19,758 --> 00:52:23,427
It's like, daddy would like
to watch this alone,
if you don't mind.

1146
00:52:23,461 --> 00:52:25,462
And who invented
that event?

1147
00:52:25,496 --> 00:52:27,430
Was there some German
at a playground going,

1148
00:52:27,464 --> 00:52:30,065
"here's my idea for girls
in tight clothing--

1149
00:52:30,100 --> 00:52:32,467
I want you
to put on spandex

1150
00:52:32,501 --> 00:52:34,168
And then spin around
on the upper bar,

1151
00:52:34,203 --> 00:52:36,470
and slam your vagina
into the lower bar,
spin around.

1152
00:52:36,504 --> 00:52:38,872
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?

1153
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,573
Spread your legs
and then dismount

1154
00:52:40,608 --> 00:52:43,109
and make it look
like you had a good time."

1155
00:52:43,143 --> 00:52:45,110
What?

1156
00:52:45,145 --> 00:52:47,078
Weird.

1157
00:52:47,113 --> 00:52:50,749
And they do all this
incredible stuff.

1158
00:52:50,783 --> 00:52:53,784
And if their foot goes
one inch to the right,
you're fucked!

1159
00:52:53,818 --> 00:52:55,719
And who invented
the pommel horse?

1160
00:52:55,754 --> 00:52:58,588
Was it a cowboy with A.D.D.
Going, "I'm on the horse,
I'm off the horse,

1161
00:52:58,622 --> 00:53:00,623
I'm on the horse,
I'm off the horse"?

1162
00:53:00,657 --> 00:53:02,358
No.

1163
00:53:02,392 --> 00:53:05,127
My favorite athletes
of any Olympics

1164
00:53:05,161 --> 00:53:07,095
are always the African
distance runners.

1165
00:53:07,129 --> 00:53:09,464
You never have to drug-test
an African distance runner.

1166
00:53:09,498 --> 00:53:13,067
Are you on drugs?
"no, I'm looking for food."

1167
00:53:13,101 --> 00:53:16,936
And I'm sure
in Kenya

1168
00:53:16,971 --> 00:53:21,807
There's a chicken that runs
a sub-two-hour marathon.

1169
00:53:21,841 --> 00:53:24,276
You just won
the New York marathon.
How do you feel?

1170
00:53:24,310 --> 00:53:26,711
( clucks )

1171
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:28,412
What did he say?

1172
00:53:28,447 --> 00:53:31,113
He's wondering where
the Ethiopians are.

1173
00:53:31,147 --> 00:53:33,448
One of my favorite runners
of all time

1174
00:53:33,483 --> 00:53:36,251
Was Abebe Bikila.
He was an Ethiopian
distance runner

1175
00:53:36,285 --> 00:53:38,486
and he won the Rome Olympics
running barefoot.

1176
00:53:38,520 --> 00:53:40,354
He was then sponsored
by Adidas.

1177
00:53:40,388 --> 00:53:42,189
He ran the next Olympics,

1178
00:53:42,223 --> 00:53:45,592
He carried
the fucking shoes.

1179
00:53:45,626 --> 00:53:48,094
No performance enhancement
there, no way.

1180
00:53:48,128 --> 00:53:50,796
Because always
people are looking
for performance enhancement.

1181
00:53:50,830 --> 00:53:53,831
Cut to the American swim team
with their new porpoise
foreskin swimsuits--

1182
00:53:53,866 --> 00:53:56,801
Full-body condom swimsuits.
What the fuck was going on?

1183
00:53:56,835 --> 00:53:59,370
These guys were shaved
like a Brazilian hooker
to begin with.

1184
00:53:59,404 --> 00:54:03,107
What was going on?
Was there one pubic hair like...
( blows raspberry )

1185
00:54:03,141 --> 00:54:05,709
And they put on that
full-body condom--

1186
00:54:05,744 --> 00:54:08,245
even the penis is like,
"I'm in here. Help me."

1187
00:54:08,279 --> 00:54:10,514
But I realized
the moment you do that--

1188
00:54:10,548 --> 00:54:13,083
No nutsack drag.

1189
00:54:13,117 --> 00:54:15,018
You're a Ken doll
all of a sudden.
Are you ready to swim?

1190
00:54:15,052 --> 00:54:17,421
( high voice )
I think so.

1191
00:54:17,455 --> 00:54:20,323
But no more--
no more nutsack drag.

1192
00:54:20,358 --> 00:54:22,325
.05 nutsack drag
with this.

1193
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:24,427
Then you get to the end
of the pool .05 faster.

1194
00:54:24,462 --> 00:54:26,830
Why?
No nutsack drag.

1195
00:54:26,864 --> 00:54:28,598
And the French
got pissed off going,

1196
00:54:28,633 --> 00:54:31,601
"they have no nutsack drag.
They're cheating."

1197
00:54:31,636 --> 00:54:35,205
And Michael Phelps is
on the box of frosted flakes.

1198
00:54:35,239 --> 00:54:37,207
Then he gets caught
smoking weed

1199
00:54:37,241 --> 00:54:39,308
and then take him off
the box of frosted flakes.

1200
00:54:39,343 --> 00:54:42,279
<i>- ( man boos )
- this is a failure
in marketing, my friends.</i>

1201
00:54:42,313 --> 00:54:45,881
Listen, if you're basically
having frosted flakes

1202
00:54:45,916 --> 00:54:47,749
and you're older
than 10 years old

1203
00:54:47,784 --> 00:54:50,319
and it's after 10:00
in the morning...

1204
00:54:50,353 --> 00:54:53,222
<i>- ( laughter )
- ...I'm gonna guess</i>

1205
00:54:53,257 --> 00:54:57,125
Weed may be involved.

1206
00:54:57,159 --> 00:54:59,761
And you can't tell me

1207
00:54:59,795 --> 00:55:01,863
Marijuana is
a performance-enhancing drug.

1208
00:55:01,897 --> 00:55:03,331
Fuck off.

1209
00:55:03,365 --> 00:55:05,100
It's only
a performance-enhancing drug

1210
00:55:05,134 --> 00:55:08,336
If there's
a fucking chocolate bar
at the end of the pool.

1211
00:55:08,370 --> 00:55:10,337
Then even a one-legged
swimmer will go,

1212
00:55:10,372 --> 00:55:12,239
"I will beat your ass."

1213
00:55:12,273 --> 00:55:15,708
But performance enhancement
doesn't always include drugs.

1214
00:55:15,743 --> 00:55:19,078
Cut to miss Semenya,
the South African
middle-distance runner

1215
00:55:19,113 --> 00:55:21,815
who turns out to be a he/she.
She's a hermaphrodite.

1216
00:55:21,849 --> 00:55:24,651
She can have her own biathlon--
kind of neat.

1217
00:55:24,685 --> 00:55:26,519
But this is not new.

1218
00:55:26,553 --> 00:55:28,921
The East Germans used to have
really butch female sprinters.

1219
00:55:28,955 --> 00:55:31,790
Olga, you just won
the 100 meters.
How do you feel?

1220
00:55:31,824 --> 00:55:34,024
( deep voice )
"really good

1221
00:55:34,058 --> 00:55:35,358
Is that a penis?

1222
00:55:35,392 --> 00:55:38,427
"no, just a very large
clitoris."

1223
00:55:38,461 --> 00:55:40,728
Oh.

1224
00:55:40,763 --> 00:55:44,065
And the Germans used to
give their athletes
pure fucking speed.

1225
00:55:44,099 --> 00:55:47,034
They would finish a race going,
"Hans, you just won a race.
How do you feel?"

1226
00:55:47,069 --> 00:55:48,536
"wonderful!

1227
00:55:48,570 --> 00:55:51,405
But the spiders are
crawling all over me again."

1228
00:55:53,509 --> 00:55:56,978
And the one drug they seem
to have the most problem with
is steroids.

1229
00:55:57,013 --> 00:55:59,914
And there are always
these poor fuckers who get
caught doing steroids

1230
00:55:59,949 --> 00:56:04,018
And they deny it,
and yet they look like
a Mardi Gras float.

1231
00:56:04,052 --> 00:56:06,153
Bubba, are you doing
steroids?

1232
00:56:06,187 --> 00:56:08,522
"no."

1233
00:56:08,556 --> 00:56:10,256
Where's your neck?

1234
00:56:10,291 --> 00:56:14,360
"I haven't seen it
for a while."

1235
00:56:14,394 --> 00:56:16,295
What about your balls?

1236
00:56:16,329 --> 00:56:18,263
"I don't know."

1237
00:56:18,297 --> 00:56:20,098
You're taking
horse genome.

1238
00:56:20,132 --> 00:56:22,500
"no!"

1239
00:56:22,535 --> 00:56:24,436
No.

1240
00:56:24,470 --> 00:56:27,339
And it's weird too.
Why would people take
steroids in football

1241
00:56:27,373 --> 00:56:29,274
When in football
the object of the game is

1242
00:56:29,308 --> 00:56:31,009
to be a big fucking
mountain of flesh

1243
00:56:31,043 --> 00:56:32,844
breaking past
another mountain of flesh

1244
00:56:32,878 --> 00:56:35,480
And grabbing the little guy
and going, "tell me
about the rabbits"?

1245
00:56:35,514 --> 00:56:37,015
That's the game.

1246
00:56:37,049 --> 00:56:39,016
But maybe if you get caught
doing steroids

1247
00:56:39,051 --> 00:56:40,584
instead of kicking you
off the team

1248
00:56:40,619 --> 00:56:43,254
you have to take
another drug like ecstasy
to compensate?

1249
00:56:43,288 --> 00:56:47,258
It's gonna make the huddles
a lot more fun.

1250
00:56:47,292 --> 00:56:50,961
You're gonna come
into the huddle like, "hi.

1251
00:56:50,996 --> 00:56:55,432
sorry about the long count.
I just felt such love."

1252
00:56:55,467 --> 00:56:59,137
And the other drug
that people are doing
is human growth hormone.

1253
00:56:59,171 --> 00:57:01,839
I first heard about
human growth hormone
from Nick Nolte

1254
00:57:01,873 --> 00:57:04,676
who was telling me
the advances of human
growth hormone.

1255
00:57:04,710 --> 00:57:07,312
He was like, "Robin,
human growth hormone
is amazing.

1256
00:57:07,346 --> 00:57:09,748
It's taking 20--
argh!"

1257
00:57:09,782 --> 00:57:12,417
He went fucking stiff
as a board.

1258
00:57:12,451 --> 00:57:15,219
And I went,
"I'll get back to you, Nick.
Good luck."

1259
00:57:15,253 --> 00:57:17,121
Insane.

1260
00:57:17,155 --> 00:57:20,190
But there was one guy--
one guy

1261
00:57:20,225 --> 00:57:23,359
who had an amazing
claim to fame in terms of
drugs and sport.

1262
00:57:23,394 --> 00:57:25,661
His name was
Dock Ellis.

1263
00:57:25,695 --> 00:57:27,664
And Dock Ellis did
an incredible thing.

1264
00:57:27,698 --> 00:57:31,334
The one person who knows--
thank you.

1265
00:57:31,369 --> 00:57:35,037
Dock Ellis pitched
a no-hitter on L.S.D.

1266
00:57:35,072 --> 00:57:37,372
Those who have
taken L.S.D,

1267
00:57:37,407 --> 00:57:39,841
tell the others
how hard that might be.

1268
00:57:39,875 --> 00:57:41,809
Fuck off.

1269
00:57:41,844 --> 00:57:44,379
If I took L.S.D.,
I'd be talking to every
blade of grass like,

1270
00:57:44,413 --> 00:57:46,414
"sorry sorry."

1271
00:57:46,449 --> 00:57:49,984
To walk into a major-league
baseball stadium like...

1272
00:57:53,489 --> 00:57:55,290
the whole field
is like...

1273
00:57:57,159 --> 00:57:59,327
"fuck fuck fucfuck."

1274
00:57:59,361 --> 00:58:02,130
All the fans in the stadium
like...

1275
00:58:06,468 --> 00:58:08,703
the umpire walks out,
it's shiva...

1276
00:58:08,737 --> 00:58:12,040
( chanting )

1277
00:58:12,074 --> 00:58:15,343
The catcher steps out.
Instead of a mask he's wearing
a Samurai mask.

1278
00:58:15,377 --> 00:58:17,277
( imitate Japanese )

1279
00:58:17,311 --> 00:58:20,246
Instead of
a glove, it's a vagina.
"come to daddy!"

1280
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,014
The batter walks out.
Instead of cleats,
he's got hooves.

1281
00:58:23,049 --> 00:58:27,084
Yes, instead of a bat,
it's a cobra.
( hisses )

1282
00:58:27,118 --> 00:58:31,120
You walk out on the mound,
even your glove's going,
"this is fucking weird."

1283
00:58:31,155 --> 00:58:32,955
The ball--
"yes, I love you."

1284
00:58:32,990 --> 00:58:34,990
Let's do this.
"do it, daddy, do it."

1285
00:58:35,024 --> 00:58:37,192
( chanting )

1286
00:58:37,226 --> 00:58:39,794
( screaming )

1287
00:58:39,828 --> 00:58:42,262
Past the cobra,
into the vagina.

1288
00:58:42,297 --> 00:58:44,766
( chanting )

1289
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:47,335
For nine fucking
innings?

1290
00:58:47,369 --> 00:58:50,604
Fuck me.

1291
00:58:56,777 --> 00:58:58,711
It's like, wow.

1292
00:58:58,745 --> 00:59:00,913
He should have his own
black-light room

1293
00:59:00,947 --> 00:59:03,348
at the Hall of Fame.

1294
00:59:03,382 --> 00:59:05,850
When I was growing up
they used to say,

1295
00:59:05,884 --> 00:59:08,052
"Robin, drugs can
kill you."

1296
00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:10,654
And now that I'm 58,
my doctor's going,

1297
00:59:10,688 --> 00:59:14,523
"Robin, you need drugs
to live."

1298
00:59:14,557 --> 00:59:18,225
And I realized my doctor's
my dealer now

1299
00:59:18,260 --> 00:59:20,260
and a lot harder
to get ahold of.

1300
00:59:20,294 --> 00:59:22,595
And he's always giving me
free samples like,

1301
00:59:22,629 --> 00:59:24,563
"yo, Robin,

1302
00:59:24,597 --> 00:59:28,099
some lipitor, motherfucker.
Try it out.

1303
00:59:28,133 --> 00:59:30,534
That's all I can
hook you up with right now.

1304
00:59:30,568 --> 00:59:32,870
I got an H.M.O.
on my back, baby.
That's all I can do."

1305
00:59:32,905 --> 00:59:36,675
And it's weird too--
these drugs have
side effects

1306
00:59:36,709 --> 00:59:38,143
that go on
for fucking days,

1307
00:59:38,177 --> 00:59:41,312
Like tendency
to grow another head.
Oh my God.

1308
00:59:41,346 --> 00:59:44,347
When we were growing up
we knew the side effects
of the drugs we were taking.

1309
00:59:44,381 --> 00:59:47,249
Cocaine-- side effects were
paranoia and ninjas on the lawn.

1310
00:59:47,284 --> 00:59:49,018
I remember that.

1311
00:59:49,053 --> 00:59:50,687
Quaaludes--
side effects were

1312
00:59:50,688 --> 00:59:53,756
Talking in tongues,
english as a second language.
I remember that.

1313
00:59:53,791 --> 00:59:55,858
Marijuana-- side effects
side were laughter

1314
00:59:55,892 --> 00:59:58,294
and frosted flakes.
That's all I remember.

1315
00:59:58,328 --> 01:00:01,430
But now there are side effects
which fucking rival
the syndrome.

1316
01:00:01,465 --> 01:00:04,066
There's a syndrome called
restless leg syndrome.

1317
01:00:04,101 --> 01:00:06,769
What the fuck is that?
A tendency to break out
into a Riverdance?

1318
01:00:06,804 --> 01:00:09,672
Like, "oh, dear Christ.

1319
01:00:09,707 --> 01:00:13,642
Grandma's got fucking
restless leg syndrome.

1320
01:00:13,677 --> 01:00:15,678
Take care of kids.
I'm on my way to Dublin.

1321
01:00:15,712 --> 01:00:19,248
Take care."

1322
01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:22,585
And side effects include
compulsive gambling

1323
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:24,954
and obsessive
sexual behavior.

1324
01:00:24,988 --> 01:00:28,591
That's not a side effect.
That's fucking Vegas.

1325
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:32,527
They should just give you
a bus ticket and say,
"good luck."

1326
01:00:32,562 --> 01:00:34,496
And how soon before
they have a drug

1327
01:00:34,530 --> 01:00:38,700
where side effects may include
rectal ventriloquism?

1328
01:00:38,734 --> 01:00:41,202
If your asshole
starts talking,

1329
01:00:41,237 --> 01:00:43,738
call the doctor

1330
01:00:43,773 --> 01:00:47,242
or get friends over
'cause it's gonna be
a fun night.

1331
01:00:47,276 --> 01:00:50,344
And what a great side effect
for a politician.

1332
01:00:50,379 --> 01:00:54,248
"I was never with that woman."
"liar!

1333
01:00:54,283 --> 01:00:56,217
Liar!

1334
01:00:56,251 --> 01:00:59,987
He's an asshole
and so am I!"

1335
01:01:00,021 --> 01:01:02,856
And the one drug
they give you

1336
01:01:02,891 --> 01:01:05,659
that's kind of wonderful
before the surgery
was viagra--

1337
01:01:05,693 --> 01:01:07,794
A great drug,
amazing, a lot of fun.

1338
01:01:07,828 --> 01:01:10,529
After open-heart surgery--
not so much fun.

1339
01:01:10,564 --> 01:01:13,099
Taking viagra
after open-heart surgery

1340
01:01:13,133 --> 01:01:15,902
is like a civil war
reenactment with live ammo--
not good.

1341
01:01:15,936 --> 01:01:19,938
It's a duel to the death
between your dick
and your heart.

1342
01:01:19,973 --> 01:01:21,640
The moment you take it,
your penis is like,

1343
01:01:21,674 --> 01:01:24,509
"I'm 25.
Yes! Let's do this!"

1344
01:01:24,544 --> 01:01:26,879
And your heart's going,
"bullshit.

1345
01:01:26,913 --> 01:01:29,748
We're just back online,
you asshole.

1346
01:01:29,782 --> 01:01:31,683
Slow down.
I'm gonna put a cramp
in your calf.

1347
01:01:31,717 --> 01:01:33,718
Argh!"

1348
01:01:33,753 --> 01:01:36,087
And your penis is going,
"I've still got the hips.

1349
01:01:36,122 --> 01:01:37,722
Ramming speed,
let's do this."

1350
01:01:37,757 --> 01:01:40,125
And your heart's going,
"I'm throwing your back out.

1351
01:01:40,159 --> 01:01:42,160
Fuck off. Argh!"

1352
01:01:42,194 --> 01:01:45,263
And your penis
is going, "I'm still hard.
We're going in. Yeah!"

1353
01:01:45,297 --> 01:01:48,799
And your heart's going,
"I'm opening up your asshole."
( blows raspberry )

1354
01:01:48,834 --> 01:01:50,801
Argh!

1355
01:01:50,836 --> 01:01:52,303
"are you coming?"

1356
01:01:52,337 --> 01:01:54,905
"no, I think
I'm fucking dying."

1357
01:01:54,940 --> 01:01:58,942
And when you finally
do come after an hour--

1358
01:01:58,976 --> 01:02:02,445
And after an hour
even my penis is going,
"I got shit to do."

1359
01:02:04,615 --> 01:02:06,916
After an hour
when you finally come
it's like,

1360
01:02:06,950 --> 01:02:09,652
Argh! Agh!

1361
01:02:09,686 --> 01:02:12,021
One drop of sperm...

1362
01:02:14,457 --> 01:02:16,593
With two 50-year-old
sperms going,

1363
01:02:16,628 --> 01:02:20,097
"where the fuck
are we?

1364
01:02:20,132 --> 01:02:22,299
I never thought
I'd be called into action.

1365
01:02:22,334 --> 01:02:24,668
This is crazy."

1366
01:02:24,703 --> 01:02:28,005
I'm sure if you had
a microscope, they both
would have walkers, like,

1367
01:02:28,040 --> 01:02:31,075
"keep moving.

1368
01:02:31,110 --> 01:02:33,511
My tail is cramping,
God damn it.

1369
01:02:35,781 --> 01:02:39,651
Head towards the tits.
I know my way from there."

1370
01:02:39,685 --> 01:02:43,087
And I'm sure
there's two othesperms
in my balls going,

1371
01:02:43,122 --> 01:02:45,056
"wait here.

1372
01:02:45,090 --> 01:02:48,924
If she puts a finger
in the ass, then we go."

1373
01:02:48,959 --> 01:02:52,994
Yes, indeed.

1374
01:02:53,029 --> 01:02:57,531
But there's
another drug--

1375
01:02:57,566 --> 01:03:00,467
Another drug
they don't tell you
is a drug.

1376
01:03:00,501 --> 01:03:02,235
It's a class-4 narcotic--
alcohol.

1377
01:03:02,270 --> 01:03:04,637
And the only warning
they have on the bottle
of alcohol is

1378
01:03:04,672 --> 01:03:08,841
"don't drink this
if you're pregnant." bullshit.
That's how you got pregnant.

1379
01:03:08,875 --> 01:03:12,645
And alcohol
is especially dangerous
for people like myself--

1380
01:03:12,680 --> 01:03:15,715
Alcoholics,
or you can say
"ethanol-challenged,"

1381
01:03:15,750 --> 01:03:17,684
whatever you want
to call it.

1382
01:03:17,718 --> 01:03:20,219
And people go,
"now, Robin, how do I know
if I'm an alcoholic?"

1383
01:03:20,253 --> 01:03:22,855
Well, as one, let me give you
some warning signs.

1384
01:03:22,889 --> 01:03:25,357
Number one--
after a night
of heavy drinking

1385
01:03:25,391 --> 01:03:30,061
you wake up
fully-clothed going, "hey,
somebody shit in my pants."

1386
01:03:36,500 --> 01:03:38,401
Number two--

1387
01:03:38,435 --> 01:03:41,304
you have a couple of cocktails
and you find yourself
on the freeway going,

1388
01:03:41,339 --> 01:03:45,075
"what are these fuckers doing
going the wrong way?"--
number two.

1389
01:03:45,109 --> 01:03:48,276
Number three--
you get drunk,

1390
01:03:48,311 --> 01:03:49,944
you go out
for indian food,

1391
01:03:49,979 --> 01:03:53,681
you wake up in Bombay
with a camel licking
your balls.

1392
01:03:53,716 --> 01:03:57,418
Ta-dah!
You are an alcoholic.

1393
01:03:57,452 --> 01:04:00,921
And some people say,
"Robin, I'm a functioning
alcoholic."

1394
01:04:00,956 --> 01:04:03,790
You can be one.
It's like being a paraplegic
lap dancer.

1395
01:04:03,825 --> 01:04:06,459
You can do it,

1396
01:04:06,493 --> 01:04:10,330
just not as well
as the others really.

1397
01:04:10,364 --> 01:04:13,333
And they say alcoholism
is peer pressure.
Bullshit.

1398
01:04:13,368 --> 01:04:16,503
Peer pressure
for an alcoholic is,
"psst, come here."

1399
01:04:16,537 --> 01:04:20,206
And I believe alcoholics
are God's rodeo clowns.

1400
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:22,808
We're the ones
doing the stupid shit
nobody else will do.

1401
01:04:22,843 --> 01:04:25,478
We're the ones coming
out of chute number five
on a fifth of vodka like,

1402
01:04:25,512 --> 01:04:27,980
"yee-haw!"
looking for a woman
who's going,

1403
01:04:28,015 --> 01:04:30,550
"you're the one."
"yeah!"

1404
01:04:30,584 --> 01:04:32,818
And we're moody
little motherfuckers too,

1405
01:04:32,853 --> 01:04:36,188
'cause we'll be like,
"God damn it, man,
I love you.

1406
01:04:36,223 --> 01:04:38,190
I'll fucking
kill you.

1407
01:04:38,225 --> 01:04:40,059
Step outside.
I'll kick my ass.

1408
01:04:40,093 --> 01:04:41,894
God damn it,
let's do this.

1409
01:04:41,928 --> 01:04:44,696
Poor me.
Goddamn poor me.

1410
01:04:44,731 --> 01:04:48,166
Pour me
another drink."

1411
01:04:48,201 --> 01:04:50,169
And we think
we're sexy too,

1412
01:04:50,203 --> 01:04:52,170
'cause we'll come up
to women going like,

1413
01:04:52,205 --> 01:04:54,172
"hey, baby.
Were your parents retarded?

1414
01:04:54,207 --> 01:04:56,375
Because you sure are
special."

1415
01:05:01,047 --> 01:05:03,615
And we see
nothing wrong with that.

1416
01:05:03,649 --> 01:05:06,451
We've got backup.
If that doesn't work,
we go,

1417
01:05:06,485 --> 01:05:09,621
"hey, sit on my face.
I'll guess your weight.

1418
01:05:09,655 --> 01:05:12,458
Yeah!"
( barks )

1419
01:05:12,492 --> 01:05:15,328
And ladies, if you
take an alcoholic home
for the night,

1420
01:05:15,362 --> 01:05:17,997
oh, good luck.
You're in for a fun evening.

1421
01:05:18,031 --> 01:05:21,100
It's like
playing pool with a rope.
Good fucking luck.

1422
01:05:21,134 --> 01:05:23,802
He'll be like,
"I love you.
( retching )

1423
01:05:23,836 --> 01:05:25,770
I love you."

1424
01:05:25,804 --> 01:05:28,539
And the next morning,
that all-important question,

1425
01:05:28,574 --> 01:05:31,075
"who the fuck
are you?"

1426
01:05:31,110 --> 01:05:33,678
( bleats )

1427
01:05:33,712 --> 01:05:37,047
"oh my God.
Well, at least
I'll get a sweater.

1428
01:05:37,082 --> 01:05:39,483
Cool.
Fuckin'-a."

1429
01:05:39,517 --> 01:05:41,452
'cause, you see,
as an alcoholic,

1430
01:05:41,486 --> 01:05:43,821
you will violate
your standards quicker
than you can lower them.

1431
01:05:43,855 --> 01:05:45,989
You will do shit
that even the devil would go,

1432
01:05:46,024 --> 01:05:49,126
"dude."

1433
01:05:49,160 --> 01:05:51,795
And there's a voice
that tells alcoholics
we can drink.

1434
01:05:51,829 --> 01:05:55,832
It's the same voice you hear
if you can go up to the top
of a very large building

1435
01:05:55,867 --> 01:06:00,004
and you look over the side,
there's a little voice
that goes, "jump.

1436
01:06:00,038 --> 01:06:02,339
You can fly."

1437
01:06:02,374 --> 01:06:04,941
Even though your asshole
is going, "no, you can't."

1438
01:06:04,976 --> 01:06:08,144
And if you ever thought
about jumping off
a tall building,

1439
01:06:08,179 --> 01:06:10,480
there was
a guy who jumped off
the Golden Gate Bridge

1440
01:06:10,514 --> 01:06:12,582
and he survived.
And he said this--
he said,

1441
01:06:12,617 --> 01:06:16,720
"halfway down I thought
it was a bad idea."

1442
01:06:16,754 --> 01:06:20,590
And some things you may
want to stay away from
while drinking heavily:

1443
01:06:20,625 --> 01:06:23,026
Ebay-- not a good idea.

1444
01:06:23,060 --> 01:06:26,028
Ebay and alcoholism--
a perfect storm
addiction.

1445
01:06:26,063 --> 01:06:27,697
You'll find yourself
up to your ass

1446
01:06:27,731 --> 01:06:30,699
In George Foreman grills
and shamwows.

1447
01:06:30,733 --> 01:06:33,234
Another thing
you don't want to do
while really drunk

1448
01:06:33,268 --> 01:06:35,203
is get a tattoo.
I did.

1449
01:06:35,237 --> 01:06:37,605
I got really loaded.
I got a tattoo in mandarin
that says

1450
01:06:37,639 --> 01:06:39,440
"happiness and laughter"
right here.

1451
01:06:39,474 --> 01:06:42,075
I think it says that.
I've never had a chinese person
that close to my balls

1452
01:06:42,109 --> 01:06:43,709
Going, "that's what
it says."

1453
01:06:43,744 --> 01:06:46,246
But I had a friend
get really fucked up

1454
01:06:46,281 --> 01:06:49,349
and he got a tattoo in mandarin
that's supposed to say
"golden warrior."

1455
01:06:49,384 --> 01:06:53,184
And a chinese friend said,
"no, it says 'ass monkey.'"

1456
01:06:53,218 --> 01:06:55,185
Then the idiot went out
and got drunk again

1457
01:06:55,219 --> 01:06:57,554
and got a tattoo in hindu
that was supposed to say
"dawn of enlightenment."

1458
01:06:57,588 --> 01:07:01,357
And a hindu friend said,
"no, it says 'deliveries
on Tuesday.'"

1459
01:07:01,391 --> 01:07:03,859
So he is not the ass monkey
who delivers on Tuesday

1460
01:07:03,893 --> 01:07:05,527
for the rest
of his life.

1461
01:07:05,561 --> 01:07:07,762
And girls, if you want
to get that lovely tattoo

1462
01:07:07,797 --> 01:07:09,598
of the sunrise
rising out of your ass crack--

1463
01:07:09,632 --> 01:07:11,666
gorgeous when you're 20,
but when you're 50

1464
01:07:11,700 --> 01:07:15,903
It's an octopus
chasing a fucking starfish.

1465
01:07:15,937 --> 01:07:18,305
So no.

1466
01:07:18,340 --> 01:07:20,507
Be careful.

1467
01:07:24,145 --> 01:07:27,547
And if they made a drug
that allowed you to drink
and not get drunk,

1468
01:07:27,581 --> 01:07:31,017
an alcoholic would go,
"what happens if you
take two?" no.

1469
01:07:31,051 --> 01:07:33,920
'cause we have these things
called blackouts
as alcoholics.

1470
01:07:33,954 --> 01:07:36,856
It's not really blackouts.
It's more like sleepwalking
with activities.

1471
01:07:36,890 --> 01:07:39,525
Kind of strange.
I believe it's your conscience

1472
01:07:39,559 --> 01:07:42,027
going into
a witness protection program.

1473
01:07:42,062 --> 01:07:44,029
It's your
conscience going,

1474
01:07:44,064 --> 01:07:46,833
"you're about
to fuck a hobbit.

1475
01:07:46,868 --> 01:07:49,336
I gotta go.
Good luck."

1476
01:07:49,370 --> 01:07:52,739
I'm gonna leave the dick on
and after an hour I'm opening
up the asshole,

1477
01:07:52,773 --> 01:07:55,775
but that didn't
stop you Tuesday.
Good luck. Take care."

1478
01:07:55,810 --> 01:07:57,777
And alcoholics,
we're like assholes.

1479
01:07:57,812 --> 01:08:00,480
We can't wait
to shit on everybody--
family, friends.

1480
01:08:00,515 --> 01:08:03,350
We'll be like,
"fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you.

1481
01:08:03,384 --> 01:08:06,886
Go fuck yourself.
Fuck you. Fuck.

1482
01:08:06,921 --> 01:08:09,289
I'm fucked."

1483
01:08:09,323 --> 01:08:11,691
And they tried to send
my ass to rehab,
and I went,

1484
01:08:11,725 --> 01:08:13,660
"yeah yeah yeah."

1485
01:08:13,694 --> 01:08:18,197
And I went to rehab
in wine country just to keep
my options open.

1486
01:08:20,000 --> 01:08:22,868
And while I was in rehab
I read an article
in "The Inquirer"

1487
01:08:22,903 --> 01:08:26,238
about my being drunk.
It was like, "that poor fuck.
Oh, fuck, that's me."

1488
01:08:26,273 --> 01:08:28,374
And the weird thing too

1489
01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,977
about when you read articles
in "The Inquirer" or "TMZ"

1490
01:08:31,011 --> 01:08:34,014
and you're looking
at all these assholes going,
"those poor motherfuckers."

1491
01:08:34,048 --> 01:08:36,816
And only the Germans
could come up with the word
for that--

1492
01:08:36,850 --> 01:08:39,152
Feeling pleasure
at other people's misfortune.

1493
01:08:39,187 --> 01:08:41,854
It's called schadenfreude.
And only the Germans could go,

1494
01:08:41,889 --> 01:08:44,858
"we found
the fucking word for that.
God bless you."

1495
01:08:44,892 --> 01:08:46,859
I was once
on a German talk show.

1496
01:08:46,895 --> 01:08:49,062
And if you want to go on one,
it's a lot of fun.

1497
01:08:49,096 --> 01:08:51,465
It's really fun.
And I was on this
German talk show

1498
01:08:51,499 --> 01:08:53,867
and this woman said to me,
she said, "Mr. Williams,

1499
01:08:53,868 --> 01:08:56,636
why do you think
there's not so much
comedy in Germany?"

1500
01:08:56,671 --> 01:09:00,207
And I said, "did you
and ever think you killed,
all the funny people?"

1501
01:09:00,241 --> 01:09:02,207
( laughter )

1502
01:09:02,243 --> 01:09:06,580
And it was--

1503
01:09:06,613 --> 01:09:09,182
And here's what
got interesting.

1504
01:09:09,216 --> 01:09:12,585
She didn't bat an eyelash.
She just went, "no."

1505
01:09:12,618 --> 01:09:16,555
At that point
even God's going,
"do you get it?"

1506
01:09:16,590 --> 01:09:19,924
German comedy:
Knock knock, we ask
the questions.

1507
01:09:19,959 --> 01:09:22,627
It's like the French
production of "Anne Frank"--

1508
01:09:22,662 --> 01:09:25,331
"she's upstairs!"

1509
01:09:25,365 --> 01:09:27,299
And we have
a German Pope now.

1510
01:09:27,334 --> 01:09:29,768
How do you get
a German Pope?
Well, it's a tough gig.

1511
01:09:29,801 --> 01:09:32,104
they don't retire the jersey
like Magic Johnson.

1512
01:09:32,138 --> 01:09:34,106
You stay in the chair
to the bitter end.

1513
01:09:34,140 --> 01:09:35,875
Remember John Paul II?
It was like,

1514
01:09:35,908 --> 01:09:38,444
( imitates latin )

1515
01:09:41,881 --> 01:09:44,517
<i>in nomine patris, et filii,
et spiritus sancti.</i>

1516
01:09:47,888 --> 01:09:51,256
We're lucky
he didn't have dementia
in the Yankee Stadium, going,

1517
01:09:51,291 --> 01:09:53,893
"everybody gets pudding.

1518
01:09:53,926 --> 01:09:59,365
Chocolate pudding.
Chocolate pudding."

1519
01:09:59,399 --> 01:10:00,999
And when the pope dies,

1520
01:10:01,034 --> 01:10:03,669
the Vatican
finds out you're dead
the old-fashioned way:

1521
01:10:03,703 --> 01:10:05,337
They have a guy come
with a silver hammer--

1522
01:10:05,372 --> 01:10:07,806
not maxwell-- but he comes
and he basically comes in--

1523
01:10:07,841 --> 01:10:10,675
he basically
comes in and goes, pwap!
And if the Pope goes, "ahh!"

1524
01:10:10,710 --> 01:10:13,878
"one more week!
He's got another week!"

1525
01:10:13,913 --> 01:10:16,080
And the moment
the Pope dies,

1526
01:10:16,115 --> 01:10:18,049
they take him through
Saint Peter's Basilica

1527
01:10:18,083 --> 01:10:20,752
and 50,000 cell phones
are like... ( clicking )

1528
01:10:20,786 --> 01:10:22,820
and I'm sure that was
his last wish.

1529
01:10:22,855 --> 01:10:24,956
"when I die,

1530
01:10:24,991 --> 01:10:27,192
I want to be
a screen saver."

1531
01:10:27,226 --> 01:10:29,828
And then what happens?

1532
01:10:29,863 --> 01:10:32,665
The College of Cardinals,
they all go into
a small dark room

1533
01:10:32,699 --> 01:10:34,833
and the only thing that
comes out is smoke.

1534
01:10:34,868 --> 01:10:38,003
And I'm going,
"what are you doing in there?"

1535
01:10:38,038 --> 01:10:41,006
And I believe they have
da Vinci's hookah.

1536
01:10:41,040 --> 01:10:43,475
And they're inside getting
a little loaded, going...

1537
01:10:43,510 --> 01:10:46,343
( inhaling )
"I got a crazy idea.

1538
01:10:46,378 --> 01:10:49,179
No no no, wait wait wait!
Wait, listen, this is crazy.

1539
01:10:49,213 --> 01:10:50,681
No, wait!

1540
01:10:50,716 --> 01:10:52,317
The last Pope
was Polish, right?

1541
01:10:52,351 --> 01:10:54,687
Yeah, no, wait--
this is a good one! Hold on.

1542
01:10:54,721 --> 01:10:57,022
How about this?
No, wait, this is crazy.

1543
01:10:57,056 --> 01:10:59,025
How about this?
A nazi!"

1544
01:10:59,059 --> 01:11:00,793
( laughs )

1545
01:11:00,827 --> 01:11:04,496
"no no, Hitler youth.
It's like boy scouts
with artillery.

1546
01:11:04,531 --> 01:11:07,199
It's great! It'll scare
the shit out of the jews.

1547
01:11:07,233 --> 01:11:09,534
They'll be like, 'oy!'"

1548
01:11:09,568 --> 01:11:11,869
And I was hoping,
rather than a German Pope,

1549
01:11:11,904 --> 01:11:14,704
they would do something cool
like a latin american Pope, man.

1550
01:11:14,739 --> 01:11:17,874
That would have been cool,
like Pope Enrique.

1551
01:11:17,908 --> 01:11:19,742
Yeah!
That would be cool.

1552
01:11:19,777 --> 01:11:22,078
And he'd have
the cool pope-mobile

1553
01:11:22,112 --> 01:11:24,046
Like, "Ave Maria!

1554
01:11:24,081 --> 01:11:27,517
Check it out--
( scatting )"

1555
01:11:27,551 --> 01:11:30,887
or a Brazilian Pope,
'cause then you could have
the samba nuns in the thongs

1556
01:11:30,921 --> 01:11:33,223
Going, "come on back
to the church.

1557
01:11:33,257 --> 01:11:34,891
Come on back to
the church.

1558
01:11:34,925 --> 01:11:36,726
You know you want to come back
to the church.

1559
01:11:36,760 --> 01:11:38,394
Come on back to
the church."

1560
01:11:38,429 --> 01:11:40,597
I'm sure the kids would go,
"fuck the internet!

1561
01:11:40,631 --> 01:11:42,932
I'm going back to church."

1562
01:11:42,966 --> 01:11:44,634
But it's weird.

1563
01:11:44,668 --> 01:11:47,770
The Vatican and homosexuality--
oil, water.

1564
01:11:47,804 --> 01:11:50,973
The Pope is always,
"homosexuality is
an abomination."

1565
01:11:51,008 --> 01:11:53,476
Time out.
"you're the Pope?" "yes."

1566
01:11:53,510 --> 01:11:56,645
"you're dressed like
Freddy Mercury's stunt double.

1567
01:11:58,415 --> 01:12:02,050
Your purse is on fire
and you're surrounded
by hundreds of boys.

1568
01:12:02,085 --> 01:12:05,520
And you've had kind of a problem
in the after-school area."

1569
01:12:05,555 --> 01:12:08,690
And why is there
a problem with pedophilia in
the Catholic Church?

1570
01:12:08,724 --> 01:12:11,827
Well, it's a big deal.
You become a priest--
retire this.

1571
01:12:11,861 --> 01:12:15,230
And once a week, we're gonna
put you in a small dark box

1572
01:12:15,265 --> 01:12:19,100
and people are gonna tell you
their nastiest sexual shit.

1573
01:12:19,134 --> 01:12:21,302
"bless me, father,
for I have sinned."

1574
01:12:21,337 --> 01:12:22,938
"yes, my son?"

1575
01:12:22,972 --> 01:12:26,209
"last night I had sex
with two Thai twins,

1576
01:12:26,243 --> 01:12:28,378
a slip 'n slide,

1577
01:12:28,412 --> 01:12:31,047
a diving helmet,

1578
01:12:31,082 --> 01:12:33,183
and a ferret."

1579
01:12:34,820 --> 01:12:37,288
"could you say that
slower, my son?"

1580
01:12:38,691 --> 01:12:40,825
And I believe the Vatican's
gonna come out one day

1581
01:12:40,860 --> 01:12:42,627
and come out big.
It's gonna be...

1582
01:12:42,662 --> 01:12:43,862
<i>♪ in nomine patris... ♪</i>

1583
01:12:43,896 --> 01:12:46,731
<i>( loudly )
♪ et spiritus santi! ♪</i>

1584
01:12:46,765 --> 01:12:48,966
♪ one secular sensation ♪

1585
01:12:49,001 --> 01:12:50,635
♪ all the
folks you meet ♪

1586
01:12:50,669 --> 01:12:52,137
♪ da da da da
da da! ♪

1587
01:12:52,171 --> 01:12:55,206
♪ one singular salvation ♪

1588
01:12:55,241 --> 01:12:57,240
♪ every word on
the street! ♪

1589
01:12:57,275 --> 01:12:58,974
♪ da da da da da da! ♪

1590
01:12:59,008 --> 01:13:01,609
And there still will be
the evangelicals going,

1591
01:13:01,642 --> 01:13:03,742
"homosexuality
is a sickness."

1592
01:13:03,777 --> 01:13:07,211
And the same Reverend
will be caught buying crack
from a gay prostitute

1593
01:13:07,245 --> 01:13:11,347
going, "we were just
playing tummy swords."

1594
01:13:11,381 --> 01:13:14,449
And then he'll deny it going,
"I did not perform
a homosexual act."

1595
01:13:14,483 --> 01:13:16,618
"no, you didn't.
Elton John is a homosexual act.

1596
01:13:16,652 --> 01:13:19,387
You just blew that guy.
It's okay."

1597
01:13:19,421 --> 01:13:22,389
And this Reverend went to
rehab for homosexuality.

1598
01:13:22,424 --> 01:13:25,259
I'm going, "I was in rehab.
I didn't see that wing.

1599
01:13:25,293 --> 01:13:28,428
There was no cockenders
in my rehab."

1600
01:13:28,463 --> 01:13:31,131
And is homosexuality
a preexisting condition?

1601
01:13:31,165 --> 01:13:32,632
What the fuck?

1602
01:13:32,666 --> 01:13:35,434
And the other people that
come out against the whole thing

1603
01:13:35,469 --> 01:13:37,903
are the Mormons. They came out
against gay marriage big time.

1604
01:13:37,937 --> 01:13:40,104
And with gay marriage,
you couldn't even say
"gay marriage."

1605
01:13:40,139 --> 01:13:42,106
In California you couldn't
call it "gay marriage."

1606
01:13:42,140 --> 01:13:43,440
It was like,
"what do we call it?"

1607
01:13:43,475 --> 01:13:45,108
"we'll call it
'same-sex marriage.'"

1608
01:13:45,143 --> 01:13:46,910
And people who have been
married for a long time

1609
01:13:46,944 --> 01:13:48,512
are going,
"that's a little redundant.

1610
01:13:48,546 --> 01:13:50,547
If you've been married a long
time, it's always the same sex.

1611
01:13:50,581 --> 01:13:51,915
Shut the fuck--"

1612
01:13:51,949 --> 01:13:54,251
What?

1613
01:13:54,285 --> 01:13:56,120
And then they said,
"we'll call it a union."

1614
01:13:56,154 --> 01:14:00,357
Then the union guys
get pissed going, "it's not
a fucking union.

1615
01:14:00,391 --> 01:14:03,527
It's not
'local cocksuckers #69.'"

1616
01:14:05,130 --> 01:14:08,298
And you're going,
"wait a minute, Canada
has gay marriage.

1617
01:14:08,332 --> 01:14:10,634
Do you want all the gay people
to immigrate to Canada?

1618
01:14:10,668 --> 01:14:13,971
Then they'll win figure skating
for the next 200 years! No!

1619
01:14:14,006 --> 01:14:16,507
They're already the nicest
people on the planet.

1620
01:14:16,541 --> 01:14:19,811
Do you want them to be
the best dressed?
That's bullshit!"

1621
01:14:19,845 --> 01:14:22,647
And the whole thing--
and we talked briefly about
this before--

1622
01:14:22,681 --> 01:14:25,316
the other people that come out
against gay marriage
were the Mormons.

1623
01:14:25,351 --> 01:14:27,685
Basically the Mormons--
the people that used to
do polygamy--

1624
01:14:27,719 --> 01:14:29,520
they used to
perfect polygamy.

1625
01:14:29,555 --> 01:14:32,088
A Mormon giving marital advice
is like the octomom

1626
01:14:32,123 --> 01:14:34,924
Running a Planned Parenthood
Clinic.

1627
01:14:34,959 --> 01:14:38,295
And if the answer to "who's your
daddy?" is multiple choice,

1628
01:14:38,329 --> 01:14:41,031
come with me, my friend.

1629
01:14:41,065 --> 01:14:42,899
And who thought polygamy
was a great idea?

1630
01:14:42,934 --> 01:14:44,869
Who got married and went,

1631
01:14:44,904 --> 01:14:47,072
"my one marriage isn't
going so well.

1632
01:14:47,107 --> 01:14:49,241
I'd like to double down."

1633
01:14:49,275 --> 01:14:51,543
Fuck off, man!

1634
01:14:51,577 --> 01:14:53,879
And if you-- why would you
want another strong opinion?

1635
01:14:53,913 --> 01:14:56,381
Even if you marry a deaf
and a blind girl,

1636
01:14:56,416 --> 01:14:58,550
they will
fucking communicate!

1637
01:14:58,585 --> 01:15:01,553
And they will work out that
you are the asshole.

1638
01:15:01,587 --> 01:15:04,022
In marriage, I've learned this:
In marriage

1639
01:15:04,057 --> 01:15:07,693
there's penalties for
early withdrawal and deposit
in another account.

1640
01:15:07,728 --> 01:15:09,495
<i>Remember that.</i>

1641
01:15:09,530 --> 01:15:11,865
And alimony doesn't
stop people.

1642
01:15:11,899 --> 01:15:14,201
Alimony-- look at a guy.
You could call it all the money

1643
01:15:14,235 --> 01:15:16,503
and guys would still be going,
"I'm in. Let's do this."

1644
01:15:16,537 --> 01:15:18,871
Look at Donald Trump.
He's always going,
"this one's broken.

1645
01:15:18,906 --> 01:15:20,873
Bring me another one.
Ha ha ha!"

1646
01:15:20,907 --> 01:15:23,409
But maybe there should be
a three-strike law
with marriage.

1647
01:15:23,443 --> 01:15:26,444
If you want to get married
for a fourth time, you have to
give up a body part.

1648
01:15:26,478 --> 01:15:28,178
Then that might
slow people down.

1649
01:15:28,213 --> 01:15:29,946
Like, "Bob, how many times
you been married?"

1650
01:15:29,980 --> 01:15:31,514
"four times, Robin."

1651
01:15:31,548 --> 01:15:33,615
"Ted, how many times
you been married?"

1652
01:15:33,649 --> 01:15:36,217
( garbled )
"five times, Robin.
Five times."

1653
01:15:36,252 --> 01:15:39,787
Larry King would just be
a fucking head on a stick.

1654
01:15:42,824 --> 01:15:46,126
And...

1655
01:15:46,161 --> 01:15:48,295
You talk about
intelligent design--

1656
01:15:48,329 --> 01:15:50,631
look at the human body.
It's waste-processing plant

1657
01:15:50,665 --> 01:15:52,966
Near a recreation area.
How intelligent is that?

1658
01:15:53,001 --> 01:15:56,636
And they say the platypus was
an animal designed by committee.

1659
01:15:56,671 --> 01:15:58,472
Was the human body
designed by committee?

1660
01:15:58,506 --> 01:16:00,107
Was there a group of guys
who designed it?

1661
01:16:00,141 --> 01:16:01,909
Was the guy going, "Tom,
do you have those designs

1662
01:16:01,943 --> 01:16:03,310
For the human
reproductive system?"

1663
01:16:03,344 --> 01:16:05,079
"I do, Ted. Let's show you
what we came up with.

1664
01:16:05,113 --> 01:16:07,781
Normally with the mammal penis,
we have the retractable.

1665
01:16:07,815 --> 01:16:09,716
We decided to something
different for the mammal--

1666
01:16:09,751 --> 01:16:11,084
The male penis for the human.

1667
01:16:11,119 --> 01:16:13,320
We call it 'the collapsible.'
kind of fun.

1668
01:16:13,354 --> 01:16:16,824
And look at this: Murray
came up with the idea of making
the covering optional.

1669
01:16:16,858 --> 01:16:18,825
Thank you, Murray.
Way to go.

1670
01:16:18,859 --> 01:16:21,693
When we take the covering off,
it's a little sharp,
a little pointy.

1671
01:16:21,727 --> 01:16:23,427
We need something on the top
to soften it up.

1672
01:16:23,462 --> 01:16:24,728
Bob, what was your idea?"

1673
01:16:24,762 --> 01:16:27,363
"a mushroom cap."
"thank you, Bob.

1674
01:16:27,398 --> 01:16:30,032
We put the mushroom cap on
the top and it's kind of a tool

1675
01:16:30,067 --> 01:16:32,401
'cause when it's retracted,
it looks like a little
toad stool

1676
01:16:32,435 --> 01:16:35,502
and when it's erect like
a little soldier-- thank you.

1677
01:16:35,537 --> 01:16:37,135
And Tim put a piece of sting
up at the top.

1678
01:16:37,170 --> 01:16:39,070
Thank you, Tim. I guess to
tune it. Thank you, Tim.

1679
01:16:39,104 --> 01:16:41,871
And we run the semen out
the top and urine through--

1680
01:16:41,906 --> 01:16:44,073
We also run urine through there.
We call it multitasking,

1681
01:16:44,107 --> 01:16:46,642
or 'coming and going.'

1682
01:16:46,676 --> 01:16:49,144
Kind of a fun concept.

1683
01:16:49,178 --> 01:16:52,479
And initially we just
had the sperm stored inside
the penis itself

1684
01:16:52,514 --> 01:16:54,548
like a toothpaste tube--
pbbt! Gone.

1685
01:16:54,582 --> 01:16:57,351
So we need something to
store it in and produce it.

1686
01:16:57,386 --> 01:16:59,454
What was your idea, Carl?"
"nuts."

1687
01:16:59,489 --> 01:17:01,190
"thank you, Carl.

1688
01:17:01,225 --> 01:17:04,361
Initially we used walnuts.
We've had good luck with
those in the past."

1689
01:17:04,395 --> 01:17:06,864
And the human males are
going, "we can't sneak up
on the females."

1690
01:17:06,898 --> 01:17:10,067
"what do you mean?
Listen." ( clucking )

1691
01:17:10,101 --> 01:17:12,403
"got it.

1692
01:17:12,437 --> 01:17:15,205
Forget the coconuts.
Let's try something different!

1693
01:17:15,240 --> 01:17:17,674
Bob, what was your idea
to replace them?"

1694
01:17:17,709 --> 01:17:19,810
"balls."
"balls! That's it.

1695
01:17:19,844 --> 01:17:22,212
Who doesn't like balls?
What fun.

1696
01:17:22,247 --> 01:17:25,482
Initially we used three balls,
and here's some of the tests
with the three balls.

1697
01:17:25,517 --> 01:17:27,384
They were going
everywhere.

1698
01:17:27,419 --> 01:17:29,620
The male was, like,
playing with the balls,
playing with the balls.

1699
01:17:29,654 --> 01:17:32,356
And we went, 'we'd better
put those in a bag.'

1700
01:17:32,390 --> 01:17:34,624
So we decided to
make a bag

1701
01:17:34,659 --> 01:17:37,728
and the only thing we had
lying around was some old
turkey neck.

1702
01:17:37,762 --> 01:17:40,230
I said, 'use it!
Let's try it.'

1703
01:17:40,264 --> 01:17:44,466
So...

1704
01:17:44,501 --> 01:17:48,037
We put the balls in
the turkey neck and, um...

1705
01:17:49,606 --> 01:17:52,574
it's ugly.

1706
01:17:52,608 --> 01:17:55,577
I think...

1707
01:17:55,611 --> 01:17:57,979
Yeah.

1708
01:17:58,013 --> 01:18:00,782
Next to the asshole,
it's one of the uglier things
we made, really.

1709
01:18:00,816 --> 01:18:03,718
And we got some negative
feedback from the females

1710
01:18:03,753 --> 01:18:06,588
who were going,
'we're not going down there
unless you cover that up!'

1711
01:18:06,622 --> 01:18:08,923
'okay!' so we put
some garnish around it.

1712
01:18:08,958 --> 01:18:12,460
And initially we made
the hair straight.

1713
01:18:12,494 --> 01:18:14,661
The females: 'my eyes!'
'okay.'

1714
01:18:14,696 --> 01:18:16,763
Curly! We put curly hair.

1715
01:18:16,798 --> 01:18:19,766
And initially we put the hair
everywhere-- even the top
of the penis.

1716
01:18:19,801 --> 01:18:24,637
And it looked
like my uncle Phil.
Like, 'hey, how are you?'

1717
01:18:24,671 --> 01:18:27,006
So we just went with
a topiary thing,

1718
01:18:27,041 --> 01:18:28,575
which was kind of fun.

1719
01:18:28,609 --> 01:18:30,778
And then the females went,
'we'll go down there now.'

1720
01:18:30,812 --> 01:18:32,780
Thank you, ladies.
Thank you.

1721
01:18:32,814 --> 01:18:35,783
Which is cool because you
can start the penis orally--
thank you;

1722
01:18:35,817 --> 01:18:39,119
Manually-- thank you, Manuel,
for finding that out;

1723
01:18:39,153 --> 01:18:42,122
finger in the ass--
Ted found that out.

1724
01:18:42,156 --> 01:18:45,158
He said it was
an accident.

1725
01:18:45,192 --> 01:18:47,127
Kidder.

1726
01:18:47,161 --> 01:18:50,497
And if you play with the balls,
the penis likes that.

1727
01:18:50,532 --> 01:18:51,832
It's kind of fun.

1728
01:18:51,867 --> 01:18:54,034
But we did find out a negative
thing about the balls.

1729
01:18:54,068 --> 01:18:56,002
If you hit them
really hard,

1730
01:18:56,037 --> 01:18:58,837
it's a total
system reset.

1731
01:18:59,806 --> 01:19:03,209
It's like...

1732
01:19:03,243 --> 01:19:05,611
if it was a slot machine,
it would pay. It was
kind of rough.

1733
01:19:05,645 --> 01:19:08,547
But that's essentially
the design for the penis.

1734
01:19:08,581 --> 01:19:10,849
Initially we gave the male
about 800 sperms

1735
01:19:10,883 --> 01:19:13,185
and those were gone
in a millisecond.

1736
01:19:13,219 --> 01:19:16,388
And now we give him
8 to 9 billion, and he
shoots them everywhere:

1737
01:19:16,422 --> 01:19:18,758
tits, drapes.

1738
01:19:18,792 --> 01:19:22,261
We found some on the ceiling.
Those are the overachievers.

1739
01:19:22,295 --> 01:19:24,764
We hope some make it
to the vagina.

1740
01:19:24,798 --> 01:19:27,300
In terms of the vagina,
Carl's in charge of
the vagina project.

1741
01:19:27,334 --> 01:19:29,303
Carl, what did
you come up with?"

1742
01:19:29,337 --> 01:19:30,971
"well, normally with
the mammal vagina,

1743
01:19:31,006 --> 01:19:32,706
you have the genital slit
or opening.

1744
01:19:32,741 --> 01:19:34,174
We decided to accessorize it."

1745
01:19:34,208 --> 01:19:35,975
"what did you accessorize
it with, Carl?"

1746
01:19:36,010 --> 01:19:37,909
"curtains.

1747
01:19:37,944 --> 01:19:41,746
We just thought it makes it
less of an opening and more
of a show, really.

1748
01:19:41,780 --> 01:19:45,550
Kind of-- we had
some old lips lying around.
We said, 'try those!

1749
01:19:45,584 --> 01:19:47,352
Let's give it a go.'

1750
01:19:47,386 --> 01:19:50,655
And initially we made it
horizontal, and...

1751
01:19:50,690 --> 01:19:53,091
the damn thing talked.

1752
01:19:56,162 --> 01:19:58,329
<i>It was weird.</i>

1753
01:19:59,831 --> 01:20:01,699
And the first time it talked,
the males were going,

1754
01:20:01,733 --> 01:20:04,301
'I'm not going down there
if it talks!

1755
01:20:04,335 --> 01:20:07,771
I've already got
one opinion down here!
I don't need a second one!'

1756
01:20:07,806 --> 01:20:09,973
Fine.

1757
01:20:10,008 --> 01:20:13,109
So now we made it vertical
and now it just farts.

1758
01:20:13,143 --> 01:20:16,012
So-- and the first time it went,
it was like... ( neighs ).

1759
01:20:16,047 --> 01:20:18,049
'easy, big fella.'

1760
01:20:18,083 --> 01:20:20,084
And the asshole got offended,
saying, 'that's my job!'

1761
01:20:20,119 --> 01:20:22,287
'okay, hold on.

1762
01:20:22,321 --> 01:20:24,722
Yours will smell.
Not to worry. Not to worry.'

1763
01:20:24,756 --> 01:20:28,024
But we needed something
kind of special--
one last little thing

1764
01:20:28,058 --> 01:20:30,859
that would really work.
And Clint came up with
a brilliant idea.

1765
01:20:30,893 --> 01:20:33,729
And I think we're
gonna name it--
it's kind of wonderful.

1766
01:20:33,763 --> 01:20:35,064
Clint, what was your idea?"

1767
01:20:35,098 --> 01:20:37,067
"a doorbell."
"thank you, Clint.

1768
01:20:37,101 --> 01:20:40,404
You ring the doorbell,
the curtains open.
It's kind of fun.

1769
01:20:40,438 --> 01:20:44,308
Some guys can't find it.
Others don't know when to
stop ringing it.

1770
01:20:44,343 --> 01:20:47,545
But you ring the doorbell,
the curtains open,

1771
01:20:47,579 --> 01:20:50,748
the penis goes inside.
And Tom worked out
some choreography

1772
01:20:50,782 --> 01:20:53,584
for the balls that's
kind of fun. That's really...

1773
01:21:00,658 --> 01:21:02,993
it gets everything
ready to go.

1774
01:21:03,027 --> 01:21:05,929
And the sperms fly out up into
the human female.

1775
01:21:05,963 --> 01:21:07,998
She carries the egg.
Normally we gave it--

1776
01:21:08,032 --> 01:21:09,900
we tried first giving
the egg to the male.

1777
01:21:09,934 --> 01:21:12,102
He kept losing it.
And we went, 'fine.'

1778
01:21:12,137 --> 01:21:14,305
We gave it to the female.
She carries it.

1779
01:21:14,339 --> 01:21:17,073
And then we thought,
'the male will be in charge
of feeding the infant.'

1780
01:21:17,107 --> 01:21:19,575
We gave the human male
two breasts.

1781
01:21:19,610 --> 01:21:22,311
And the male is like, 'ha!'
'okay, nipples. That's all.'

1782
01:21:22,345 --> 01:21:25,547
We thought, 'the female
will be in charge of feeding
the infant too.'

1783
01:21:25,582 --> 01:21:27,516
So we gave her six breasts
like a mammal.

1784
01:21:27,550 --> 01:21:29,951
And the male was like,
'ha ha! Ah ha ha!'

1785
01:21:29,952 --> 01:21:32,721
'two hands, two tits!
That's it.'

1786
01:21:34,089 --> 01:21:37,625
And so the female will,
carry the infant to term'

1787
01:21:37,660 --> 01:21:39,928
and it will come out
through the curtains.

1788
01:21:39,963 --> 01:21:42,198
And they get wide...

1789
01:21:42,232 --> 01:21:45,602
like Broadway.

1790
01:21:45,636 --> 01:21:47,737
And she'll also
feed the infant.

1791
01:21:47,771 --> 01:21:49,939
The male will assist.
Ha ha!

1792
01:21:51,141 --> 01:21:54,110
But we do have one major
design flaw.

1793
01:21:54,144 --> 01:21:56,646
We've tried to wire
the penis to the conscience

1794
01:21:56,681 --> 01:21:58,814
and it keeps
short circuiting."

1795
01:21:58,849 --> 01:22:01,350
And it's weird too--
the whole thing.

1796
01:22:01,384 --> 01:22:03,285
I mean, every since I was
a little boy, it was like,

1797
01:22:03,319 --> 01:22:05,653
The first time
I was cleaning it,
it went off. "I'm sorry!"

1798
01:22:05,688 --> 01:22:07,688
And then later on
it was like, breasts.

1799
01:22:07,723 --> 01:22:09,823
"breasts breasts!
Aha ha ha!"

1800
01:22:09,858 --> 01:22:11,825
Vagina.
"vagina vagina!"

1801
01:22:11,860 --> 01:22:14,727
And by the time you get
to be 58,

1802
01:22:14,762 --> 01:22:17,229
it gets a little
more difficult.

1803
01:22:17,263 --> 01:22:19,998
"okay, here's what
you gotta do:

1804
01:22:20,032 --> 01:22:22,667
You put a sparkler
in your ass.

1805
01:22:22,701 --> 01:22:25,836
I'll set my pubic hair
on fire.

1806
01:22:25,870 --> 01:22:28,872
You put on a German
army helmet.

1807
01:22:28,906 --> 01:22:31,841
You jump off the couch
yelling, 'fire in the hole!'

1808
01:22:31,876 --> 01:22:34,711
That might work.
I don't know."

1809
01:22:36,747 --> 01:22:39,248
And then...

1810
01:22:39,283 --> 01:22:42,151
If that doesn't work,
there's always pornography.

1811
01:22:42,186 --> 01:22:44,320
And the definition of
pornography is quite simple:

1812
01:22:44,354 --> 01:22:47,656
Erotic is using a feather;
pornography is using
the entire chicken,

1813
01:22:47,690 --> 01:22:49,524
which is weird.

1814
01:22:49,559 --> 01:22:51,893
And I've been watching
a little bit of porn since
I've been on the road.

1815
01:22:51,927 --> 01:22:53,728
"a little?"
shut up. That's fine.

1816
01:22:53,763 --> 01:22:56,197
And with porn movies, they
don't have coming attractions

1817
01:22:56,232 --> 01:22:58,700
'cause if it was, you'd be like,
"oh, done. Thank you. Fine."

1818
01:22:58,735 --> 01:23:01,103
With porn movies,
when you're watching them,

1819
01:23:01,137 --> 01:23:03,438
it's basically, they're
an hour and a half long.

1820
01:23:03,473 --> 01:23:06,341
And who watches an entire
fucking porn movie?

1821
01:23:06,375 --> 01:23:09,544
One guy up there going,
"I do."

1822
01:23:09,578 --> 01:23:12,179
But an entire porn-- an hour
and a half long?

1823
01:23:12,214 --> 01:23:15,482
Even with fast forwarding--
fast forwarding you're like,
"ahhhhh!

1824
01:23:15,517 --> 01:23:18,819
Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!"

1825
01:23:18,853 --> 01:23:21,688
What?

1826
01:23:21,723 --> 01:23:23,156
No!

1827
01:23:23,191 --> 01:23:24,825
And the one thing you don't
want with porn

1828
01:23:24,859 --> 01:23:27,527
is basically slow motion,
'cause it's like, "haaa."

1829
01:23:28,429 --> 01:23:31,197
Prrrggh! "ahhh!"

1830
01:23:31,232 --> 01:23:35,002
( slow groaning )

1831
01:23:39,475 --> 01:23:42,544
And the acting--
the acting in porn movies

1832
01:23:42,578 --> 01:23:44,845
is always so bad.
There's always that
one girl who's like...

1833
01:23:44,879 --> 01:23:46,513
( giggling )

1834
01:23:47,749 --> 01:23:49,850
It's not Miss America.
Stay with the dick!

1835
01:23:49,884 --> 01:23:52,386
What are you doing?

1836
01:23:52,420 --> 01:23:54,889
And why do they always have to
have such bad actors?

1837
01:23:54,923 --> 01:23:58,125
They're always like,
"I'm going to fuck you...

1838
01:23:58,159 --> 01:23:59,893
so hard."

1839
01:23:59,928 --> 01:24:03,664
Even my right hand is going,
"I don't believe him."

1840
01:24:03,698 --> 01:24:06,066
But there's scripts.
There's scripts for porn movies.

1841
01:24:06,100 --> 01:24:08,969
Somebody's writing this stuff
going, "'I'm going
to fuck you...

1842
01:24:09,003 --> 01:24:11,004
So hard...

1843
01:24:15,243 --> 01:24:18,478
You little whore.'
okay, that's it for today."

1844
01:24:18,512 --> 01:24:21,113
And then they're on a
porn movie set going, "'I'm
going to fuck you...'

1845
01:24:21,148 --> 01:24:23,381
Line?"

1846
01:24:23,416 --> 01:24:25,017
"fuck you hard,
you little whore."

1847
01:24:25,051 --> 01:24:27,186
"thank you!
I just need a moment."

1848
01:24:27,221 --> 01:24:29,856
And that's fucking weird too.
And there's been porn
for centuries.

1849
01:24:29,890 --> 01:24:32,726
Was there radio porn?
Was there George Burns going,

1850
01:24:32,760 --> 01:24:35,262
"well, tea-bag me, Gracie."
I don't know.

1851
01:24:35,296 --> 01:24:38,265
Did John Wayne have a "Brokeback
Mountain" moment of going,

1852
01:24:38,299 --> 01:24:41,635
"well, stuffy, we're going up
the old jizzom trail right now.

1853
01:24:41,669 --> 01:24:43,770
God damn it,
here we go."

1854
01:24:43,804 --> 01:24:47,507
And Walter Brennan going,
"oh, duke, you're tearing
my ass apart! Gad ya!

1855
01:24:47,541 --> 01:24:50,244
I can't quit ya!
I can't God damn quit ya!"

1856
01:24:50,278 --> 01:24:52,079
Was Gregory Peck going,

1857
01:24:52,113 --> 01:24:54,882
"I'm going to glaze you
like a danish."

1858
01:24:57,186 --> 01:24:58,987
Did Jimmy Stewart
basically go,

1859
01:24:59,022 --> 01:25:02,291
"well, just play with my balls.
Just a little bit. Yeah.

1860
01:25:02,326 --> 01:25:04,627
Just dangle
the twins around.

1861
01:25:04,662 --> 01:25:08,098
And put a finger in my heinie
if you're a friend. Yeah!

1862
01:25:08,132 --> 01:25:11,935
Two if you're a pal.
Yeah."

1863
01:25:11,970 --> 01:25:15,540
There's one guy who
could do porn and I think
we all would watch.

1864
01:25:15,575 --> 01:25:17,376
That guy is
Chris Walken.

1865
01:25:17,411 --> 01:25:19,012
Oh God, yes.

1866
01:25:19,046 --> 01:25:21,047
Oh my God,
he would be amazing.

1867
01:25:21,082 --> 01:25:22,582
Chris would be up there going,

1868
01:25:22,617 --> 01:25:25,119
"I'm... inside you.

1869
01:25:27,589 --> 01:25:31,426
So deep inside you now,
fucking you now,

1870
01:25:31,461 --> 01:25:34,930
inside you,
deep inside you now, yes, now.

1871
01:25:34,965 --> 01:25:38,668
I came...
an hour ago."

1872
01:25:40,504 --> 01:25:43,273
And it's not bad enough
they make porn movies.

1873
01:25:43,308 --> 01:25:45,442
They make porn movies
of my movies.

1874
01:25:45,477 --> 01:25:48,845
They made "Goodwill Humping."
it's okay.

1875
01:25:48,879 --> 01:25:51,846
"Wet Dreams May Come."
all right.

1876
01:25:51,881 --> 01:25:54,315
"Snatch Adams."
that was scary.

1877
01:25:54,350 --> 01:25:57,618
A clown with a strap-on.
Fuck off!

1878
01:25:57,653 --> 01:26:00,555
You know, "Popeye"
I would watch.

1879
01:26:00,589 --> 01:26:03,023
Popeye would be like,
"oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl,

1880
01:26:03,057 --> 01:26:04,591
Come on now, yeah!

1881
01:26:04,625 --> 01:26:06,724
Blow me now. Yeah.

1882
01:26:06,758 --> 01:26:09,357
Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah.
You got no tits and a tight box.

1883
01:26:11,358 --> 01:26:15,425
Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack!
Yeah!

1884
01:26:15,460 --> 01:26:18,560
Ahhh! Ahhh!

1885
01:26:18,595 --> 01:26:20,727
Ooh!
I creamed me spinach!

1886
01:26:20,761 --> 01:26:22,428
Yeah."

1887
01:26:22,463 --> 01:26:24,396
Good night!

1888
01:26:24,430 --> 01:26:27,298
<i>( cheering )</i>

1889
01:26:28,333 --> 01:26:31,267
Whoo! Oh my God.

1890
01:26:53,151 --> 01:26:56,786
Whoo!

1891
01:26:56,821 --> 01:26:58,621
Whoa!

1892
01:26:58,655 --> 01:27:00,456
Sit down quick!

1893
01:27:00,490 --> 01:27:02,557
Thank you.

1894
01:27:02,591 --> 01:27:04,625
Damn. Shoo!

1895
01:27:04,659 --> 01:27:06,427
<i>- Thank you. Wow.
- Oooh!</i>

1896
01:27:06,461 --> 01:27:08,262
This is-- "oooh!"
wow!

1897
01:27:08,297 --> 01:27:11,798
<i>- ( cheering )
- oh!</i>

1898
01:27:13,368 --> 01:27:15,101
Thank you, baby!

1899
01:27:15,136 --> 01:27:17,136
This is weird. Right now
I feel like,

1900
01:27:17,171 --> 01:27:19,405
"what are you gonna do now,
smart ass?

1901
01:27:19,439 --> 01:27:24,042
You just did, 'ack ack!'
no, follow that.
Good luck, boy."

1902
01:27:24,077 --> 01:27:26,345
It's weird. Some people
say I look like Bono,

1903
01:27:26,379 --> 01:27:28,513
and I'm going,
"what the fuck are you on?"

1904
01:27:28,548 --> 01:27:31,383
But it said that Bono was
onstage recently in Scotland

1905
01:27:31,417 --> 01:27:33,451
and it got very quiet
like right now.

1906
01:27:33,486 --> 01:27:35,453
And he started
clapping his hands.

1907
01:27:35,488 --> 01:27:37,589
And he said, "every time
I clap my hands,

1908
01:27:37,623 --> 01:27:39,524
a child in Africa dies.

1909
01:27:39,558 --> 01:27:41,426
And from the back of
the Scottish audience,
somebody went,

1910
01:27:41,460 --> 01:27:44,163
"then stop fucking
clapping your hands!"

1911
01:27:49,736 --> 01:27:51,770
It's weird though.

1912
01:27:51,804 --> 01:27:54,072
I want to do something
kind of special right now

1913
01:27:54,106 --> 01:27:55,874
and dedicate it to
a friend of mine.

1914
01:27:55,908 --> 01:27:58,543
It was a man I knew--
a very interesting guy--

1915
01:27:58,578 --> 01:28:00,378
Walter Cronkite.
Incredible man.

1916
01:28:00,413 --> 01:28:02,914
And we worked together on
a Disney project years ago.

1917
01:28:02,949 --> 01:28:05,450
<i>( applause )</i>

1918
01:28:05,485 --> 01:28:08,920
And he was a very
eloquent

1919
01:28:08,954 --> 01:28:11,422
and elegant man, but
Walter had another side.

1920
01:28:11,457 --> 01:28:13,291
Basically, he liked
his jokes

1921
01:28:13,325 --> 01:28:15,159
like he liked his ocean,
a little blue.

1922
01:28:15,194 --> 01:28:17,095
So I would like to do
a joke right now

1923
01:28:17,129 --> 01:28:19,497
for Walter as Walter
in his memory.

1924
01:28:19,531 --> 01:28:22,867
( as Cronkite )
a man and his wife

1925
01:28:22,902 --> 01:28:25,603
are having sex.

1926
01:28:25,638 --> 01:28:28,840
They're going at it
hot and heavy.

1927
01:28:28,874 --> 01:28:32,643
Suddenly they
hear a noise.

1928
01:28:32,677 --> 01:28:34,778
It's their little
son Timmy

1929
01:28:34,813 --> 01:28:37,181
standing in
the doorway.

1930
01:28:37,215 --> 01:28:41,184
Timmy is shocked and
runs out of the room.

1931
01:28:41,219 --> 01:28:42,920
The father goes,

1932
01:28:42,954 --> 01:28:46,256
"I'll go talk
to Timmy."

1933
01:28:46,290 --> 01:28:49,959
He goes to Timmy's room.
He opens the door.

1934
01:28:49,993 --> 01:28:53,128
And little Timmy is
giving it hot and heavy

1935
01:28:53,162 --> 01:28:55,229
to grandma.

1936
01:28:55,264 --> 01:28:56,997
The father goes,

1937
01:28:57,032 --> 01:28:58,799
"oh my God."

1938
01:28:58,833 --> 01:29:00,433
And little Timmy says,

1939
01:29:00,468 --> 01:29:04,970
"not so funny when
it's your mother, is it?"

1940
01:29:05,005 --> 01:29:06,638
Good night!

1941
01:29:06,673 --> 01:29:08,841
Thank you, D.C.!

1942
01:29:08,875 --> 01:29:11,043
God bless you!

1943
01:29:11,078 --> 01:29:12,445
<i>Buenas noches!</i>

1944
01:29:12,479 --> 01:29:13,646
The peeps in the top!

1945
01:29:13,680 --> 01:29:16,314
Thank you!
May we have health care!

1946
01:29:16,348 --> 01:29:18,949
God bless you!
Have a good night!

1947
01:29:20,351 --> 01:29:21,651
Whoo!

1948
01:29:23,954 --> 01:29:25,521
Oh!

1949
01:29:26,522 --> 01:29:31,522
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for addic7ed.Com --